Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don't know anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic.
Author's Note: Many of the reviewers were asking if I was British. Nope, I'm actually American. It's just a fact that there is way too many Americans popping up at Hogwarts and becoming important Gary Stus or Mary Sues. This concept will continue to be ridiculed, even though I love America! We just have a few idiots…as said by some of the reviewers. Now, last chapter, the "supposed author" was begging for reviews, so here's a bunch of fake reviews and their "responses."
IWannaHoldYourHand---Thanks for all the support, John! You're a real friend! Keep putting up those reviews.
KissMeImIrish---Trust me, the plot will get interesting. I know you're anxious, but it'll be speeding up soon. (At this point, the nose of the author takes a surprising and unexpected turn for the worst---growing six inches!)
OHYEAH---You're the best, OHYEAH! (Never mind that whenever I say your name, I keep thinking I'm getting some booty…if you know what I mean.)
And as for the one flamer…
Ihavenollifebuttogoandflamepeoplebecauseimastupidnerd---I'm sorry that you feel that way, but please keep flaming me! That way there will be more reviews, which will make my story look good! They're no more ratings, so nobody'll know what you think of my story! Keep it up!
Without further ado, the story!
Chapter Two---The Moment You've Been Waiting For---The Appearance of the Vapid American!
(Harry's staring at himself vainly in the mirror.)
HARRY: Potter, Harry Potter.
RON: What are you doing?
HARRY: Practicing my lines.
RON: For what?
HARRY: To introduce myself to the American babe/transfer we'll be meeting on the train.
RON: How do you know we'll be meeting an American babe/transfer on the train?
HARRY: It always happens. I know you're going to get her in the end, but I've got to make Hermione jealous for a little angst. The author of this story needs to make sure it doesn't get lovey-dovey too fast.
RON: Right.
(Weasley Home---Breakfast)
MRS. WEASLEY: Breakfast for everyone! Sausages, eggs, bangers and mash, pudding, porridge, treacle tart, Yorkshire pudding, kippers…(Mrs. Weasley keeps going as the author tries to infuse some British-ness into the story, failing miserably.)
HARRY: Oh boy! Thanks, Mrs. Weasley! You're like a mother to me!
(Collective "Aw…." that warms the author's heat and makes him/her hope for more reviews.)
MRS. WEASLEY: (misty-eyed) I know…it's hard to believe that only last year you were a normal boy! Now you're Super-Potter! You can do everything and you're handsome too!
HARRY: You know it.
HERMIONE: What's for breakfast?
RON: Don't ask.
(The trio begins to eat breakfast, Harry and Hermione stealing looks at each other because they're already irrevocably, inevitably, undeniably, irreversibly in love. Or something like it.)
HARRY: How do you think my hair looks Hermione?
HERMIONE: Same as always.
HARRY: No, it doesn't!
HERMIONE: I don't know…I don't look at your hair too closely.
(Author grins, hoping that the readers see some angstiness in the scene! Everyone knows that reviewer loves angstiness!)
HARRY: Oh. Wait…I know why. You're always looking into my beautiful eyes.
HERMIONE: Um, yeah.
(Mr. Weasley suddenly has the pull to get cars from the Ministry. *Cough*Stolen*Cough*… And of course, Dumbledore still hasn't said anything---knowing that Harry'll be safe in a Ministry car driven by the Weasleys. Um yeah, whatever.)
MR. WEASLEY: Here we are, the station!
(Everyone loads their luggage onto the train and they all go and sit in the back)
RON: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, Harry! I gave up my prefect's badge! You want to know why?
HARRY: Why?
RON: Because the author felt that if you and Hermione are prefects you'll get to hang out together. Plus, they want to right the perceived "wrong" that you were dealt by JKR in the fifth year.
HARRY: No problem with me. Now I can continue to becoming a perverted Super-Potter! I'll be able to see Hermione in her nighties!
(Harry and Ron do a secret handshake---even though neither probably knows what one is.)
(Harry and Hermione go to the prefect's meeting, receive their badges, blah blah. INTERRUPTION: These parts of a fanfics author's story are so boring that I can't even make fun of them….Anyway, back to the story!)
(Harry and Hermione return to the compartment where Ron is playing cards with himself, since he gets easily amused like that. Hermione begins to read, sticking to her canon character for a little bit, even though she is currently dressed in a halter top, capris, and sandals. You know---for those warm Scotland nights.)
HARRY: You look sexy, Hermione.
HERMIONE: How romantic.
HARRY: I know.
(Door opens and in comes…drumroll please…THE VAPID AMERICAN PRINCESS! A long description is provided, seemingly matching up with the looks of the author, if it is a girl (of course if it's a guy, they just describe their dream girl---blonde or brown hair, with "perky" breasts and a nice butt. Hmmm…something may be afoot.)
HARRY AND RON: (tongues lolling out of their mouths, drooling) What's your name?
VAPID AMERICAN PRINCESS: Sarah McCants. (Interestingly enough, the author's name seems to be close to that. Not that your humble teller of the story is suggesting anything.)
HARRY AND RON: Can we take you somewhere and shag you senseless?
SARAH: (with boldness the girl authors only wish they had) The three of us?
HARRY AND RON: Oh, yeah! (Remember the reviewer?)
HERMIONE: (sniffles) I hardly think you should all degrade yourselves like that.
HARRY AND RON: But she's the All-American, sexy, vapid, super-perfect, unrelentingly beautiful hottie from New York! We've got to try her out.
HERMIONE: But you're both virgins!
HARRY: (realizes that he's supposed to be with Hermione) Oh yeah, sorry, Mione. (Hermione growls) Ron, you can do it alone.
RON: All right!
(Ron and the American babe disappear, presumably to shag one another senseless. This, of course, conveniently ignores the fact that Ron is still a…drumroll please…VIRGIN! And I doubt he'd go and shag someone he just met two minutes ago…anyway, on with the parody!)
HARRY: So, Hermione, I guess it's just you and me, then, huh?
HERMIONE: We're not going to do what they're doing.
HARRY: But you're certainly dressed for it!
(Hermione slaps Harry. As Harry reels forward, he glimpses her creamy you-know-whats and he is satisfied with the endeavor.)
HERMIONE: Don't call me a slut, Harry Potter!
HARRY: That's Potter. Harry Potter.
HERMIONE: Whatever.
HARRY: Just like you're Mione.
HERMIONE: But I want to be called Hermione, like I told you earlier in the summer.
HARRY: We've been through this. I've got to have a cute pet nickname for you and this is the accepted one.
HERMIONE: We're stopping those flying lessons, though, aren't we? (Hermione on her knees, begging)
HARRY: We're going to have to have at least one flight around Hogwarts. Everyone does it.
HERMIONE: Fine…but no more after that?
HARRY: Depends on whether you kiss me that night or not.
HERMIONE: I guess that depends on where we are in the story…the closer we are to the middle or end, it's more likely. Can't ruin the author's story too soon.
HARRY: Of course.
(Ron and Sarah reenter, satisfied smiles on both their faces. Ron's hair is disheveled and Sarah's shirt is on backwards.)
HARRY: You guys are disgusting…
RON: (smugly) You're just jealous.
HARRY: Arggh! Go away, Ron! This is my fic!
RON: All right…(Ron makes typical lame excuse and leaves with Sarah, leaving the Dynamic Duo alone again.)
(The author decides that to continue to attract readers a kiss would be good soon.)
HARRY: So, whatcha readin'?
HERMIONE: Standard Book of Spells, Level Six.
HARRY: Sounds interesting.
HERMIONE: How would you know? You've never read a single one of them.
(Out of nowhere, Harry slowly turns Hermione's face towards his.)
HARRY: Hermione…
(Their lips touch and the kiss begins rapidly escalating---why? Nobody knows---and soon they're doing full tongue-on-tongue. Never mind that they just started kissing two seconds ago. Now…time for the blessed interruption.)
RON: I'm back for my ill-timed interruption!
(Harry and Hermione break up)
HARRY: Jeez, Ron, why do you always do that?
RON: Sorry, Harry. I can't help that I do the same thing in thousands of fanfics.
(Hermione runs away, so that the author can do a quick exit scene.)
RON: You better go talk to her.
HARRY: No worries. I will. After all, I've done it a thousand times.
RON: True, My Lord.
HARRY: My Lord?
RON: That's what the beloved fans of yours do to me!
HARRY: Oh well. Not my problem.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Author's Note: A bit shorter, but I hope that'll keep you laughing for a while!