~ To Have or To Hold ~
By: Oy! Angelina
* * *
~~~~~~~ Lily ~~~~~~~
* * *
~ Fate is the Scapegoat of Insecurities ~
I just said something I can't take back.
Would I if I could?
I don't really have a choice.
Free will is an illusion people maintain until they manage to realize how little their lives resemble anything they had intended.
I didn't intend for a lot of things in my life to happen.
Not to discover I was a witch at eleven or to attend a school that was better suited for a storybook compared to the world I had previously known.
Not to enjoy soaring popularity amongst my peers or the grandest of expectations from my professors.
My tenitive friendship with Severus Snape, the unrequited affections of Sirius Black, or my bittersweet dealing with James Potter were all things I had never meant to happen.
In fact, if I had possessed any sway over the course of my life, James and I would probably be rivals; after all how else were a diligent Prefect and a brilliant rogue expected to get along?
Fate is such a simpler notion to entertain, especially when, in spite of every resistance and hesitation on both our parts, James and I had found ourselves stumbling through a mutually awkward attraction, far past a close friendship, and on the brink of something I can only imagine love would resemble.
I can certainly say I hadn't expected I would be spending a glorious Christmas day with James and our friends that seemed to make us exempt from the usual complications of our lives if only for a few hours. Or to have it all lead into a night where I finally confess my feeling to James himself and invite him to my room after an hour of snogging.
Most assuredly, the last thing I would have ever anticipated was wanting to experience something with James that I consider to be the most intimate of acts two people could share in all their lives, let alone after months of discord and uncertainty followed up by an evening of tribulation soul searching.
I had never meant for this, of all things, to happen, but it is.
James seems so surprised when I had alluded to what was in both our hearts. Of course, I bet it would surprise everyone to see Lily Evans like this.
I know how the students see me; I've heard whispers when people thought I couldn't hear. Most were meant to be compliments or observations; a few serve as slander. Still, the overall census of my peers at Hogwarts has me labeled as some unapproachable beauty that is gracious, but distant; charming, though somehow hollow. A candidate not only for Headgirl but perfection personified to be left upon her pedestal; unattainable to the world below.
The faculty is far less candid in their opinions; however they are still available to glean. A model student who serves as exemplary proof (or an obnoxious reminder in those rare instances) that Muggle-Borns can rise to become some of the most talented members of the wizarding community. I'm a fair and exacting Prefect and will go on to become a tribute of the education Hogwarts provides for fledgling witches and wizards.
The sentiments of my professors and peers are probably not all that far from how Severus Snape would describe me; however he would have a few unique insights of his own to contribute: primarily my pushover tactics in discipline and indecisive nature in anything regarding my personal life.
We cannot forget my family where I'm a medley of pride and shame. A daughter, praised and accepted; a sister, resented and ignored all in the same home.
How can so many eyes be on me, but not a single one can manage to see me for what I really am?
Or am I the one whose blind?
I can't be sure anymore.
What does James see when he looks at me like that?
Does he see me as everyone else would? As someone far too pristine to ever know or understand? A proper epitome of the excellence Hogwarts expects from its student? An unconfident girl who's too easily swayed? Or just some thoroughly accomplished freak?
I can't ask him. I'm too busy tasting James.
His hands are on my face, on my sides. He won't touch me anywhere else.
Is this because you respect me? Are you savoring the moment? Am I not attractive to you?
I'm so insecure.
Whenever we break our kiss, he's always trying to stare straight into my eyes. It's so piercing and knowing. I'd feel violated if I didn't trust him so much now. Why couldn't I always have trusted him like I'm willing to now? Maybe that's why we're still only kissing and holding one another.
I'm being punished for doubting him.
It's torture to be caught between two extremes like this. The stagnation connecting ecstasy and contentment makes every last moment stretch farther than either my patience or self-control. There has to be release somehow.
James seems hesitant, should I be too?
Is he going to reject me? I don't know if I can handle that.
Doesn't he want me? I thought he did.
He said he loved me once . . .no one has ever told me that before . . .that should mean something, right? There should be something tangible to prove that, shouldn't there?
Maybe he doesn't want to sleep with me.
My reputation is intimidating . . .he probably thinks that's me. How could he dishonor such an investment of the school? I'm nothing but a string of words echoing through hallways.
Who wants to sleep with concept?
The Lily Evans Hogwarts knows is an invention of public opinion. She has all the substance of the very shadow I cast and yet, it's impossible for me to ever be free of her since she dogs my every step.
She can't be real because then what does that make me?
A hapless puppet to follow through the motions as the world dictates them? Should I resign myself to a life under an Imperius Curse cast by everyone around me?
What does that make you, James?
An inconvenience? A distraction? A savior?
I think I could love you, James, I'm willing to prove that now. The connection, the chemistry, it wouldn't be here if it didn't mean something, would it? Why would I feel this way if it weren't right, if I didn't truly want this for myself? For us?
You broke away the surface of the proxy version of myself that everyone seemed so fond of and found something I don't think either of us expected.
Me.
I want to be close to you. I want to connect with you. To be intimate; of and with you in anyway either of us can imagine. The rapport is already there, as though it were born into us. Is this fate? I know you don't care for Divination, but maybe some things are ordained with or without our consent. Maybe I was meant to someday love you and, if that's true, then that would mean you would eventually know me as I've allowed no other to: physically or spiritually.
What does it matter if it all happens tonight or somewhere else down the line?
What does it mean that I want you to make love to me, James? Am I choosing this for myself . . .or is it just another motion of my life I'm expected to follow through on?
The debt I owe is so very long overdue. I will repay you for every gesture of kindness and admission of affection you have ever extended me with something I have never offered another and can never give again once you accept it. This is how things should be tonight because this is how things are meant to be many nights after this one has passed to morning.
After all, free will is for people who have yet to realize too much of their life has gone astray
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~~~~~~~ James ~~~~~~~
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~ What Can We Say With Certainty? ~
I have never felt more conflicted in my entire seventeen years of life than I do at that moment.
She's haunted me like some waking dream, something that is impossible to remember but I wouldn't ever allow myself to forget . . .
You've been with me since the beginning even though you never knew you were there: a glimpse in the hall, a body in a classroom, and a whisper in my ears.
What could I ever say to you? Of course we spoke, conversed, even laughed together, but was it ever about anything relevant until this past year?
Was it ever about us?
There are entire years of our lives we waste with silence.
My life has been a reflection through a broken mirror since my family died. I couldn't even be sure of what I was looking at, let alone expect anyone else to see clearly. Splintered with gaps awkwardly placed between, I was there enough to be noticed but impossible to understand.
It was then you walked up to me and gave me a sliver of glass to work with before walking away. You kept coming back to me, each time with another piece in hand. I found more of myself through you than with any other person who was ever there before you, but all I could do was hold what you had returned to me; cold, tarnished, and painful, because I didn't know where to begin. When I asked you to stay and help me gradually fasten the parts of myself back together that had long since fell apart, you accepted and I knew I would be fine from then on.
Never once did you look at my reflection until the last silver fragment was in place. You were the first person to ever see me so close to whole after I had lost so much and that was the only me you ever had to worry yourself with knowing. I will always be cracked in the certain parts of myself you never had the power to fix, but don't worry. You have given me back so much I thought I'd never see again and returned some things I never even knew I had.
I've found my voice.
I can't use it. Your mouth is over mine. I want it there.
Actions speak louder than words.
I think I love you.
Can you tell?
I've tried so hard to make you understand.
Did you notice?
Your hands are running through my hair.
I'll give you everything if you'd ask it of me. What more would you claim of mine?
You asked me for something I had assumed I would be the first to request when we found that point in our relationship.
Is that now? Did I miss it? Are you sure?
I wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend tonight . . .I wasn't going to ask to make love to you.
I'm holding you; your words linger in my ears as though you're saying them over and over. I can't breath.
How can I say no; I've gotten this far with you?
How can I say yes; I've gotten this far with you?
Are there rules to attraction? I think I may have broken some in chasing after you. I don't feel ashamed now. Is that wrong?
I wanted the girl by best friend had desired.
I'm disloyal. . .
. . .but I might be in love.
I kissed her behind his back; the taste of her mouth and tears stayed with me for weeks.
I'm duplicitous
. . .but I might be in love.
I refused to give in despite of my best friend's feelings.
I'm selfish. . .
. . .but I might be in love.
I told her we could be friends but didn't want that.
I'm a liar . . .
. . .but I might be in love
I said I was fine with her going to the dance with my rival, but I couldn't bear it.
I'm weak . . .
. . .but I might be in love.
I told her I loved her.
I'm uncertain. . .
. . .but I might be in love.
So does this mean love makes everything alright? That if I love you, then no one would care if I expressed it in the way you asked?
I find anticipating the rare movements you're flustered, disheveled, angry, crying, unsure, and vulnerable. It's not because I like to see you feeling these things or know that you're suffering somehow, but I want to feel needed. You don't need me in your moments of grace, charm, or strength.
You don't need anyone.
You're so many of these things at the moment, I can tell.
Do you need me now?
I want to be there for you.
Forget about everyone . . .just think of me.
I'll do the same for you. I've done it since we came back here.
I have a voice.
If I use it and say yes, even if it's silently, if I just undress you and myself and keep you close to me, will you think of me and know I'm thinking of you?
I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend tonight.
Does that make it alright then?
I might love you.
Can I be certain of that right now before things go farther?
I shouldn't unless I'm sure.
I respect you. I care about you. I can't hurt you anymore.
Why can't I be sure? Why do I have these hesitations?
Does this mean I don't love you after all? What am I doing to you then? What else would I do to you?
No, in my heart I know I love you.
That's why I'm hesitating.
How many times did I nearly lose you to something I did without thinking?
So much time. . .so much more to feel and experience with you.
The years won't be silent anymore for either of us.
Do I we need to say everything this moment?
I've found my voice.
* * *
James pulled away from Lily.
It had to be James, as Lily was offering no indication she was planning to slow things up. She searching his face, her lips slightly parted. She was expecting him to say or do something. After all, why else would he have stopped this?
James searched for words. Ones that would make sense of his feelings and make sense to Lily if she heard them. Why are such words always so hard to find when you need them?
James tried his voice.
"Lily . . ."
It's like his thoughts were sticky. Every time he tried to force one out, it would get caught on something. He didn't know how to say what he was feeling right that instant. It didn't help that every physical reaction of his body was adamantly protesting what he was preparing to say.
". . .I don't think. . .I mean . . .this is very sudden for me." James started, swallowing hard. Lily appeared to be contemplating this a little as she bit her lower lip, but it wasn't long before nuzzled her face against his.
"Since when has anything ever been to sudden for you, James?" Lily whispered as traces her mouth along the features of his face. "You've always been so straight forward, even brash with me in the past. Practically any time we've kissed, it was because you leaned in first and, if I recall properly, you were the boy brought up snogging and shagging back at Diagon Alley."
It's always nice when things come back to haunt you.
James groaned within.
He also groaned from aloud in response to the way Lily was kissing him. James had half a mind to surrender right there but managed to resist in spite of everything both his body and, seemingly, Lily wanted. Once again he pulled away, this time he kept a hand to Lily's face and a firmer one around her upper arm to hopefully keep her at bay until he had said his piece.
"That is a very excellent point, but those are also very different things." James labored in a pant. "Trust me, I'm warring with myself over this even as I'm speaking Lily. But, it's just so fast, so unexpected."
"So, you don't. . .you don't want to . . ." Lily found it difficult to attempt the words.
"Of course I do." James doubted he had ever meant anything more in his life. "But you can't always get what you want."
"But I'm telling you . . ." Lily persisted; a hurt expression had begun to surface on her face. "Do you want me to beg, James?"
James was stunned. Lily looked so vulnerable, so uncertain. He wanted to reach out and hold her, but knew he couldn't. That innocent gesture might sway him into less innocent ones. James was unsure if he could trust himself to do what was right if Lily found her way back into his arms before they resolved this. Rising to his feet, James faced Lily on the bed. Reflexively, he felt his hand start raking his hair nervously.
"Lily, I think we need to REALLY discuss this before anything else happens." James insisted. "I don't think we really understand what one another is feeling presently and, well, I want to know what you want and you should hear the same from me as well."
"Okay, of course." Lily still felt vulnerable and a little bit frustrated, but she was willing to listen. She didn't want to bully James into anything and maybe if they spoke from their hearts things would work themselves out for what was best.
Guessing he still had the floor, James spoke on.
"The thing is. . ." James started carefully. He didn't want to provoke any misunderstandings with this. "…Well things have always been so hot running with us, Lily. There's so much passion and emotion coursing through whatever relationship we've had at the time and I think we've both been responsible for some pretty rash decisions on account of that. I don't want this to be just the latest entry in things we could have gone about differently."
James wondered if he wanted Lily to say something that would persuade him over to her side of thinking. He had to say he was tempted to go along with her, but he couldn't do that unless she said something, anything that could compel him to believe this was the only rational thing to do.
"Don't you think I'm being sincere?" Lily asked.
"Absolutely!" James affirmed. "You're not the sort of girl who would be flippant about something like this, but I've never seen you so. . .well . . .impulsive about something either. I guess I'm not sure of what to make of it."
"Why does it have to mean anything more than what I said?" Lily demanded. Was James so transfixed by that image everyone had thrust upon her that he needed a petition with everyone's signature present before they could proceed? "Why are you so worried about whether or not this is like me? I thought you knew who I was?"
"I do." James confessed. "And, this just doesn't seem like the you I know and want to share something this significant with. I guess what I'm getting at here is, I'm not entirely certain of what your motivations are in all this."
Lily wasn't sure what she should make of all this. James was describing it as though she were somehow out of control. Some one doing things for all the wrong reasons.
Was that right?
"What do you mean my 'motivations'?" Lily looked at James quizzically. "You speak as though I'm trying to pull a fast one on you."
"No, nothing of the sort!" James insisted. "Look, I'm getting flustered and that's starting to make me phrase things as stupidly as I can manage them out."
James dared to approach Lily and sit next to her on the bed; he took her hands into his and looked her straight in the eyes. That exacting look was always so powerful to Lily.
"Lily, I care about you so completely I can't even begin to describe it." James confessed. "So much of me was hoping something like this would happen and when you met me in the common room earlier, a part was hoping it would be tonight . . .but that side of me hasn't done the most right by you in the past and that's why I HAVE to hesitate on this decision."
"Are you afraid you're going to hurt me?" Lily probed and she rubbed James's hands beneath her fingers.
She didn't want to ask.
She didn't want to know the answer.
She had to ask.
"Why, are you not sure you want to be with me past tonight?"
James felt as though he had just been winded out of nowhere.
"Lily, that's my entire point in all this." James spoke with in a quiet and earnest tone. "I'm not sure if I have you like this right now I'll be able to keep hold of you, and that's what's important to me. I want to make love to you; I just not need to this very moment. You're all I need, Lily. I can wait for anything if I have you."
Lily listened to James and heard what was important to him.
Them.
She thought about what she had been asking of him and felt foolish. Lily assumed she was so desperately trying to prove some kind of point to everyone that she forgot she had nothing to prove with James. His feelings for her and his desire to be with her were attached to all the very best reasons a person could want to connect with another. She had been difficult, distant, demanding, and combative; but James ignored all that and still found the energy to make things work between them. Only something deep and heartfelt could overcome all the obstacles they had thrown out at one another. And here they were, on the verge of something so consuming and relevant; something they weren't entirely ready for. Lily didn't want what she thought she had anymore.
She wanted what James wanted for them.
"I'm so sorry." Lily's eyes drifted from James. "You're right. I'm ashamed of what I've been putting you through."
"Don't." James soothed as he hugged her; relieved this wouldn't be the end of them. "Please don't apologize. You've done nothing wrong."
"So what do we do now?" Lily asked as she buried herself into James's arms, allowing all her senses to experience him at that moment.
"Does it matter so long as it's together?" James shrugged with a smile. Together . . .that's what they were now.
Together.
"You could still stay." Lily offered. "We could just hold each other. That wouldn't be so bad, would it?"
James felt his hands drift over Lily's back as he tried to somehow hold her closer to him than he had already managed. He thought about trying to leave her now, after spending all this time trying to be with her, just as they were, and realized it was a completely futile fight.
"I'd like to stay." James decided. Lily looked up at his and smiled. She gently kissed him on the chin, before pulling him by the hand toward the headboard of her bed. James rested at her side, refusing to let his arms relinquish her. He felt one of her arms cross over her waist while the other held his cheek.
They laid like that for hours, occasionally gazing or smiling at each other in the dark. Some times they kissed, not with the passion they had possessed before, but all the affection still alive in the gesture.
At some point they fell asleep in one another's arms.
At another point, they each awoke without the other knowing.
* * *
Lily studied James, breathing shallowly through his mouth with his hair more scattered than she assumed possible. Her eyes memorized his every feature as though she were afraid she might forget. Lily would have assumed this was a dream, but they were never this perfect or happy. She smiled at James in the darkness.
A smile he would never be able to see.
It's the kind of smile you can only give someone when you know they can't see it. People are most honest when they believe no one is watching. Just the slightest turn of the lips and entire illumination of the eyes as, when you're watching a person most dear, you're seeing every single quality that drew you to and kept you with them.
It's the only way someone can still manage to adore someone from afar when they are so completely enveloped in their hearts.
Lily felt James shift as he pulled her closer to him in his sleep. His cheek rubbed against her forehead as he sighed in his dreams. Lily closed her eyes and smiled once more, as she knew James loved her even as he slept.
* * *
When she stirred, Lily had awoke James unintentionally. He didn't mind. It meant he got to watch her sleep again.
Lily was on her back, hand still touching his face. Every so often, a muscle spasm would cause her fingers to caress him ever so slightly. Her long locks of hair snaked across her face and form like vines upon a statue. Lily's expression was completely placid save for the occasional fluttering of her eyelids, showing that she dreamed. James wish he could see her like this awake.
Lily was always so high strung and preoccupied with something that James wasn't sure he had ever seen her relaxed until this moment. Calm and without a worry to cross her face, James decided he would do everything he could to bring the serenity she showed while dreaming to her waking hours.
Not satisfied with having her no longer in his arms, James adjusted himself slightly and coaxed Lily gently back to is grasp, careful not to disturb her slumber. On his back, James held Lily slightly on top of him with both arms holding her to his chest. He felt her breathing gently across his neck and closed his eyes.
To have or to hold?
James knew what to say to that.
* * *
* * *
AFTERWARDS
I've got two song picks for this chapter: One for James's perspective of things (Tori Amos) and one for Lily's (Bjork). I think these songs say a lot about what they were thinking and feeling and these female vocalists have lyrics that make about as much sense as rambling thoughts half the time anyway so…~_~
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Silent all these years
By: Tori Amos
* * *
Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes I said sometimes I hear my voice and it's been
here
silent all these years
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker do you think it's enough
To get us there
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice and it's been
here
silent all these..
Years go by will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too
easy
easy
easy
Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
but baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you
here take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them
But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And it's been
here
silent all these years
I've been here
silent all these years
Silent all these
Silent all these
years
* * *
Bachelorette
By: Bjork
* * *
I'm a fountain of blood
in the shape of a girl
you're the bird on the brim
hypnotized by the whirl
drink me, make me feel real
wet your beak in the stream
game we're playing is life
love's a two way dream
leave me now, return tonight
tide will show you the way
if you forget my name
you will go astray
like a killer whale
trapped in a bay
I'm a path of cinders
burning under your feet
you're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street
I'm a whisper in water
a secret for you to hear
you're the one who grows distant
when I beckon you near
leave me now, return tonight
the tide will show you the way
if you forget my name
you will go astray
like a killer whale
trapped in a bay
I'm a tree that grows hearts
one for each that you take
you're the intruders hand
I'm the branch that you break