* * *
~ Three Small Words ~
By: Oy! Angelina
* * *
On the first weekend of February, Gryffindor and Hufflepuff were scheduled to play a match of Quidditch on the Hogwarts Pitch. Although a misting rain, chilled air, and rolling fog showed that the dreary weather was still favoring Winter over Spring, the stands were packed and the spectators were undaunted in anticipation of the event.
Fresh off their suspensions, Cassidy and James spent the few days prior to the match-up drilling and were relieved to discover that there edge hadn't dulled in the slightest. A decent team without resorting to the underhanded ploys of the Slytherin House, James coached his team on how a fair game didn't mean it would be an easy one and demanded top form of all the players.
Though his presence at the match had originally been questionable on account of his indefinite punishment, Sirius found himself sitting in a box next to Professor McGonagall watching the game along with the rest of Hogwarts. The Head of Gryffindor had claimed that she brought him along to be certain he couldn't take advantage of an empty school and lack of faculty supervision, however, Sirius suspected that she just didn't have the heart to make him miss out on watching their House play Quidditch.
The rest of Gryffindor cheered on their team enthusiastically, waving streamers with their House colors and they proudly displayed their red and gold scarves over the front of their robes. Peter scrawled illuminated print to flash GO JAMES/GO CASSIDY in support of their fellow 6th Year players.
Lily found herself far more enthralled with the sport than normal now that she was steadily seeing their Team Captain and kept her eyes fixed on James for almost the entire match.
What was it about loving someone that made the things they do seem all the more impressive?
Still conjuring a proper way to tell James her feelings, Lily decided that it had to be that evening after the match otherwise she'd begin to suspect she was stalling on the subject. Assuming their House won, there would be a huge party in honor of the victory. If they happened to lose, there was still a plan to throw a proper celebration for Arabella's upcoming birthday and Lily overlooked one, which would still be an affair.
Whatever the means and however the phrasing, Lily planned to tell James she was in love with him and prove to both of them that she was as mindful and invested in their relationship as he was.
It was the least she could do.
* * *
For those of Slytherin who were inclined to show any vocal support of the match, a majority were cheering for Hufflepuff on the sheer principle of the matter. Having little desire to listen to Aaron Lestrange and Walden Macnair berate every player on the Pitch and make imaginative claims about their superior skills, Snape sat with Winifred Wilkes since Quidditch was one of the few things they had in common that refrained from being morally ambiguous.
That and Snape wanted to keep at least one of his onyx eyes on his cousin.
A week and a half after he discovered Winifred's ruse, the motive of her deception remained a mystery to Snape. Possibly Winifred was aware of his scrutiny or possibly she was just biding her time. Either way, Winifred was refusing to tip her hand on the subject.
Snape still trusted his cousin was up to something.
Presently, however, Winifred was watching the match from behind a pair of binoculars.
"The Chasers are being good enough to keep the score very close. It looks like it's going to be a simple matter of who claims the Snitch first." Winifred observed with amusement. "They seem pretty evenly opposed, wouldn't you agree, Severus?"
"I save my enthusiasm for when our House plays, Winifred." Snape informed. "Of course we rarely get past the first match since Macnair chooses to run our Quidditch team into the ground with his astounding ineptitude at being Captain."
"This sour disposition wouldn't have anything to do with the fact Walden gave Aaron Lestrange the position team Keeper over you in 4th Year, would it?" Winifred raised a curious eyebrow.
Snape scowled.
"My personal qualms with Macnair have little to do with my opinions of the team's management." Snape assured, before shooting a glare at Lestrange. "However if I had made Keeper, I certainly wouldn't have allowed Potter to inflate his ego anymore with his accustomed 100 point gains against Slytherin in a single match."
"Potter is really good, now that you mention it." Winifred followed Potter with her binoculars.
Snape rolled his eyes and wondered if Winifred ever actually bothered to listen to him or if she just feigned such for his benefit.
"You would have made a grand Keeper though, Severus." Winifred glanced at him. "Or a fair Chaser, as I recall from when you went out."
"Pity you don't select the line-ups for our Quidditch team." Snape mused, slightly flattered by his cousin's compliments.
"In addition to my being in charge of disciplinary measures?" Winifred recited their conversation from when they headed to detention with a smile.
"Yes." Snape agreed with a smirk.
"Oh look!" Winifred pointed out suddenly. "Both the Seekers are on the Snitch!"
Following the action of the match, the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff Seekers sped on the trail of the golden Snitch, elbowing and kicking at one another for the advantage. Caught in a stalemate of strength and speed, it appeared that neither had a chance for the Snitch without risking being debroomed by the other player.
Distracting the Seekers from their joint pursuit, a Bludger screeched past the two and made its way towards James Potter who was attempting to score on Hufflepuff with the Quaffle in hand. Completely focused on his offensive tactics and shouldering off a rival Hufflepuff Chaser, James appeared to be oblivious to the Bludger and the just barely spared a probable concussion from it by Cassidy Kinkade's interception of the black ball with her short bat.
"KINKADE volleys the Bludger up into the air and GIVES CHASE AFTER IT?" The match announcer couldn't hide the confusion in his voice from Cassidy play with the Bludger as she sent it rocketing into the air and quickly darted on its tail. The crowed watched with curious eyes as none seemed to know what to make of the Beater's actions.
"The Gryffindor Beater has managed her way ahead of the Bludger and has smacked it straight down for the Green and - AND ON TOP OF THE HUFFLEPUFF SEEKER!" The announcer hollered over the pitch as the spectators watched the Hufflepuff Seeker get debroomed and tumble across the Pitch. A mixture of cheers and groans erupted throughout the stands as the Gryffindor Seeker pulled ahead and snatched the Snitch into her gloved hand triumphantly.
"SINCLAIR CATCHES HOLD OF THE SNITCH!" The announcer called out excitedly. "GRYFFINDOR WINS WITH 270 POINTS TO HUFFLEPUFF'S 110!"
The crowd applauded as they watched the Gryffindor House team fly up and start patting Cassidy on the back for her extraordinary assist that all but won them the game.
The Gryffindors were ecstatic.
"And you made fun of MY enthusiasm!" Winifred laughed as she kept her binoculars on Cassidy Kinkade. "I've NEVER seen someone properly execute a play like that one!"
"She could have injured her own House Seeker." Snape observed disapprovingly. "It was a needless gambit on the Kinkade girl's part and she's only fortunate that her glory-seeking happened to have a bit of luck attached to it."
Winifred shrugged as she threw her hair over her shoulder and a broad smile at Snape.
"He who dares wins, Severus." Winifred informed. "Or, in this case, SHE."
Placing her binoculars into her robes, Winifred and Snape followed the rest of Slytherin out of the box as the game had come to a conclusion and few had the interest to linger in the bleachers.
"I've been meaning to ask you." Winifred began as they waited to descend the stairs. "Who sent you that post by dove the other day?"
Snape's neck snapped quickly to shoot his cousin a prickly stare.
"I fail to see how that is any of your concern." He hissed.
"Just curious." Winifred replied innocently, as though anything were innocent with Winifred.
"Well invest it in something other than my affairs." Snape instructed.
"You must really be fond of whomever it is if you're willing to hide them from me." Winifred grinned in a teasing manner, but Snape couldn't help but sense a certain amount of sincerity implied in her words.
"Behave yourself Winifred." Snape warned in a silky voice. "I tolerate no one prying in my affairs. Even family."
Winifred considered this in silence as they moved with the other members of their House to the green of the Pitch.
* * *
On the Green of the Pitch, the entire Gryffindor House was rallied on the field as they swarmed around their Quidditch Team shouting peals of praise and admiration their way. Fighting their way through the excited younger members, the 6th Years made there way in to properly congratulate James and Cassidy on a well played game.
They caught sight of Cassidy first as James and the rest of their team hoisted her over their heads and paraded her around the Pitch.
"Let me down, ye pack of gits!" Cassidy demanded, but laughed along anyway. "If my feet are off the ground there better be a bloody broom under me!"
James accommodated Cassidy's wishes by pulling her down but took to spinning her around all on his own while beaming like a fool.
"THAT WAS BRILLIANT, YOU WONDEROUS WOMAN YOU!" James declared. "You snared the Bludger that was aiming to take off my head and took out the Hufflepuff Seeker with it! I couldn't have IMAGINED a better play than the one you pulled off! If you don't go pro, Cass, I'll swear off Quidditch, I mean it! And my first daughter, 'Cassidy Potter'!"
Off to the side, Lily watched James twirling Cassidy around, the two of them laughing over it and experienced a sudden discomfort over the scene. They had a right to be happy about their victory but the way James was carrying on didn't sit right with Lily. He was so euphorically thrilled over the win that Lily began to wonder if she had ever gotten that kind of reaction out of James in the times they had shared together.
"Next you'll be asking fer my autograph, Potter!" Cassidy deflected as she smiled at James who had finally seen fit to set her down. "I wouldn't have managed it if ye hadn't of trained me up the way ye had! And let's not forget that Sinclair was the one who actually CAUGHT the little bugger and won us the match!"
"Well thank you, for remembering it was a team effort!" Sinclair teased as she patted Cassidy on the back. "Now shouldn't we be celebrating properly?"
Meeting up with Remus, Peter, and the other 6th Year Gryffindor girls, James and Cassidy endured another round of congratulations from their friends. James shook Remus's hand and threw an arm over Peter while Cassidy attempted to shake off Gwen and Arabella who had firmly locked themselves around the tall girl's frame in a hug as Millicent smiled and commended her glowingly.
Lily was about to walk over to greet James when Sirius made his belated entrance onto the field, only just being released from McGonagall's watchful eye to be with the rest of his House.
"JIMBO! FABULOUS GAME, MATE" Sirius hollered as he raced onto the Pitch.
"Don't EVER call me that again!" James insisted with a laugh as Sirius tackled him down with an overly enthusiastic fraternal embrace.
Pulling himself off the Green and out from under Sirius, James eyes darted around until he found Lily.
"And YOU!" James grabbed a hold of his girlfriend. Dipping her dramatically before throwing on a firm kiss for good measure, James earned applause and hoots from the rest of Gryffindor as he pulled Lily back up into a hug. "Whew! That was officially the perfect end to a perfect game!"
"And they'll be a Cup at the end of the next one, Cap'!" Cassidy promised with a wink as the rest of Gryffindor cheered preemptively for winning that year's Quidditch Cup.
"Sounds tempting, but I think I'll just make off with my spoils of victory here and now." James decided as he picked Lily up and threw her over his shoulder exultantly. "As for the rest of you, I'll be expecting the lot of you in the common room for a bash in five minutes and we're not stopping until McGonagall puts her foot down!"
"How about setting ME down James!" Lily insisted in a shrill laugh.
"Can't do it." James shook is head regretfully. "Carrying off beautiful women is good for my image. You understand, complex politics of a reigning Qudditch star being what they are."
Exiting the stadium, Professor McGonagall turned away from the rest of the faculty to greet her team, but quickly shifted over to a disapproving glare as she saw James carrying Lily off slung over his shoulder.
"Potter, that's not the kind of example I would expect a triumphed Quidditch Captain should be setting for his House." McGonagall informed. "Place Miss Evans down before I'm forced to revoke chivalry from Gryffindor's virtues."
James accommodated his House head with an apologetic smile to her and the rest of the faculty.
"Sorry about that. Got carried away." James grinned.
"Actually I believe that statement would belong to Lily, James." Professor Dumbledore corrected with a chuckle to show no one was upset.
"To the common room with the lot of you. Before you make more of a spectacle of our House than you already have." McGonagall ordered with a smile. "I'll be along shortly."
With no further prompting, the Gryffindors were on their way back to their dormitories.
* * *
Decorations were strewn all about the Gryffindor commons as the bulk of the House was crammed into the area; talking, laughing, but above all, just having a good time. Just as they had during at their victory celebration over Slytherin, the Quiddtich team kept most of their uniforms on to honor their win as they spoke with friends and enjoyed the refreshments. A few banners wishing Arabella and Lily happy birthdays were draped along the walls with a large cake off in the corner.
All in all, if people weren't praising the Quidditch team on their success they were expressing fond wishes to Arabella and Lily.
As Professor McGonagall entered the common room, Sirius halted his dialogue with some of the 7th Year boys to approach her unenthusiastically.
"So you'll be wanting me to shove off to my room, I'd imagine." Sirius relented as he nodded to the stairs. He hadn't really expected McGonagall to allow him to attend the Quidditch match and very much doubted the woman's generosity would see fit to allow him to hang about with his partying peers.
"Mr. Black, I very much doubt spending an evening with your Housemates will do much to hinder your rehabilitation." Professor McGonagall smiled slightly. "Considering you've been as well behaved as the rest of your Year for the past month, I don't think singling you out today is necessarily called for."
Sirius's face lit up a bit at this gesture of understanding.
"I suppose I'd be pressing my luck in seeing about getting off probation all together?" Sirius had to try.
"Go have some cake, Sirius." Was all McGonagall would say as she walked off.
"Mmm, my first pastry whilst on parole." Sirius mused as he made his way over to the refreshments.
"Sirius, you got a minute, mate?" James beckoned his friend over to him.
"Sure thing!" Obliging, Sirius propped himself against the wall.
At James's side, like always.
"Game was bloody fantastic James!" Sirius beamed again. "I could kiss McGonagall for letting me see it if I wasn't so ruddy convinced she'd add on an extra month or so of probation."
"Actually, I didn't really want you in the stands today." James admitted with a shrug.
"What?" Sirius's brow furrowed with worry as he eyed James.
"I wanted you on a broom." James smiled.
Sirius gave off a relieved sort of chuckle before turning to James.
"Wait, are you serious about this?" Sirius demanded.
"Yeah, well I mean, you'll have to go out like everyone else for the team, but I'm going to have three position's opening up for next season: both my Chasers and a Beater." James explained. "I'll probably pull Fletcher off reserve and give him the other Beater slot since the only reason he's on the bench is because it's Welsh's last year, but that leaves two others free at my side."
"Damn straight I'll go out for it!" Sirius exclaimed, patting James on the shoulder appreciatively. "You just say when, Prongs."
"Probably in a couple weeks. I need to pull a few ideas out of my hat for Ravenclaw in the spring and once I've got them down on parchment, I'll have you and the rest try out as the team practices." James promised.
"That would be great!" Sirius could barely contain his excitement, before he caught sight of their House Head. "Oh, but what if McGonagall shoots you down? I mean, I doubt playing Quidditch has some how figured its way into my rehabilitation."
"Well, you wouldn't actually be playing until our 7th Year." James hadn't thought of McGonagall disapproving. "I'll try to talk her into it if she seems sour on the idea. YOU just worry about being the best applicant on the Pitch. I don't want to be accused of nepotism or have you whining because someone was flew circles around you."
"Not bloody likely!" Sirius snorted an overconfident laugh. "Still, it's Gryffindor's night and, more importantly, Arabella and Lily's. I'm off to wish them a bit of well."
"Send Lily my way once you're through with her!" James called after Sirius as his friend began to walk off. Glancing over his shoulder, Sirius raised his eyebrows as the implications behind such an invitation.
It suddenly occurred to James what that had just sounded like.
"Don't." James warned, pointing at Sirius with a knowing smile.
Sirius threw his hands up.
"It was too easy of one for me to pick up anyway." Sirius digressed as he strolled off before bumping into Cassidy. Dressed down from most of her uniform so as not to overheat in the crowded commons, Cassidy still kept the Gryffindor team sweater and slacks. Sirius looked her dead in the eyes since Cassidy was the only girl he knew that was tall enough for it.
"Stumbling about already?" Cassidy teased Sirius. "What brings you over to my end of the party?"
"I want to dance with a Quidditch star!" Sirius urged as he took hold of one of Cassidy's hands and her waist. "Let us be foolish and free!"
Verging on reckless, Sirius began swinging Cassidy around the common room with him as the other Gryffindor dodged out of their paths, laughing.
"Black, ye best get yer hands off of me!" Cassidy warned but the immense laughing made it not so intimidating. "Ye never take to shuffling when Potter manages a brilliant play!"
"I was holding out for someone a bit butch." Sirius shrugged, quickly side-stepping a pillow tossed from James's direction but unable to avoid Cassidy smacking him upside the head. "Best not to resist, you know. More innocents will only be hurt if you struggle."
"Potter, get yer daft friend away from me!" Cassidy ordered James, still laughing.
"You say it as though I have any control over him, Cassidy!" James returned with a smile as Lily joined him near the wall.
"What was it like being close with Sirius all these years?" Lily inquired.
"Distracting." James laughed.
"Certainly has a charm with the ladies, doesn't he?" Lily observed as he flipped Cassidy over his arm without informing her of it first, causing her to start yelling at him again while laughing. Several other Gryffindor girls stood off to the side with envious expression.
"Yeah, he pretty much just rolls into whatever angle he needs to win a girl over. Not that he's necessarily dishonest about it, Sirius just happens to be there for a person as they need him. Fortunately for him, most like him just the way he is. Unfortunately for Remus, Peter, and myself, Sirius makes for a hard guy to compete with." James explained and he pulled one of his arms around Lily affectionately. "I'm just glad you were somehow immune to it all."
"While I'm just as big a fan of Sirius Black as the next person, I'm far fonder of his best friend." Lily assured, slipping one of her arms across James's back as she rested into him. "From here, it looks like Cassidy and Sirius are getting along pretty well. You don't suppose something might come of it, do you? Sirius could sure use a tough girl to keep him in line!"
"I doubt it anything will happen." James countered.
"How can you be so sure?" Lily demanded as she watched their friends waltzing about. "They seem to be having fun now."
"Yes, well, I don't know for sure, I just don't see much coming of it is all." James awkwardly responded. Lily could tell that James was reluctant to talk about the prospects of Cassidy and Sirius dating but she wasn't sure why.
"Well, has either of them mentioned to you that they're just platonically interested in one another? You just got done saying that Sirius can sweep near any girl off her feet and it's not as though he's ever had a lack of interest when it cames to attractive and interesting girls." Lily pressed.
"I think both you and I can agree that our tomboy Beater isn't like the rest of the girls at Hogwarts." James replied knowingly. "A flash of his smile won't get Sirius far with Cassidy. She's too, well, sure of herself for that."
James attempted to pull the conversation around as he gave Lily a tight squeeze.
"Sort of like you."
"Well, you just seem so confident on the subject." Lily sighed as she searched James's face for a reaction. "Do you guys have some sort of code forbidding you from going about with one another's exs?"
"Pardon?" James stared at Lily after being caught off guard.
"I just meant you used to see Cassidy and Sirius would respect that." Lily rationalized.
"No, I meant where did you hear that?" James persisted with a blank expression.
"Well, Gwen let it slip by accident and Cassidy confirmed it." Lily confessed as she watched James grow slightly agitated. "It's not that big of a deal James if you saw one another girl a year ago. It's not like the two of you are quarrelling about it of having flings on the side."
"What did Cassidy tell you about it?" James insisted; his expression was completely serious.
"Nothing really." Lily honestly answered. "She just said you two wanted to see if there was anything between you and it didn't work out. You kept is a secret so people wouldn't talk and think you were misappropriating your position as her team Captain or something to the effect."
"That's all she said?" James verified.
"To me anyway." Was the most Lily could answer for.
James was so completely flustered it was almost unsettling to Lily. She didn't mean to rile James up but she hadn't anticipated that the conversation would take such a dramatic turn. He didn't seem as though he was cross or ashamed over his relationship with Cassidy, but there was a certain protectiveness evident in his regard of it. Between his failure to ever mention it and his urgent need to know what details she was aware of, Lily could be confident in one thing
There was something James was hiding.
"I didn't mean to upset you, James, I just didn't think it was that grand a secret." Lily spoke.
"I was - I just hadn't expected it to come up is all." James's voice was soft and he appeared to be slightly lost in thought.
His expression was ambiguous and it made it unclear if he was just a bit surprised or if the memories that resurfaced with the mentioning of him and Cassidy had wounded him a bit. Lily didn't know if James was still sensitive to the topic emotionally.
Or if he had unresolved feelings for his team Beater.
"What happened between you two? I can't imagine it was terrible considering you both get along so well when you're together." Lily wondered quietly. "Is that why you think things wouldn't work out between Sirius and Cassidy, because of personal experience with her?"
James sighed as his eyes drifted around the room to anyone but Lily.
"Lily, could we please not talk about what happened with me and Cassidy?" James requested awkwardly, running his hand through his scruffy hair as proof of how uncomfortable he was with the subject. "I just don't see much good coming of talking about our respective brushes with romance like this."
"You're right. I shouldn't have pried." Lily bit her lip apologetically.
"No, don't fret about at all." James flashed her an encouraging smile, but his tense demeanor showed he wasn't quite eased off the subject. "I'm going to grab us fresh drinks and you haven't even had a slice of the cake yet. I'll be right back."
Dashing off, Lily sighed at how impressively she was mucking up declaring her affections for James. What the hell had she been thinking when she has insisted on that conversation about him and Cassidy?
Was she jealous of Cassidy a bit?
Lily tried to tell herself that was positively ridiculous, but she recalled how perturbed watching him gush all over Cassidy after her spectacular performance on the Pitch that afternoon. It raised all sorts of anxious feelings in the pit of Lily's stomach when she saw how good the two of them got along so much of the time. And the fact that they had hidden their fling, or whatever they preferred to call it, a secret from everyone for over a year made Lily question if the real reason both James and Cassidy were so tight-lipped about the affair was so no one would suspect James of playing favorites in Quidditch.
Was that the only thing the two of them were keeping quiet about or was there more that had happened?
Was there more HAPPENING?
"Well if I'm going to be this paranoid, I may as well switch over to Slytherin!" Lily thought to herself, rolling her eyes at her overactive mind. She trusted James and knew that he was completely loyal to her. People don't just make a fool out of themselves in front of the entire school to win someone over just to make a fool out of them. James was positively sincere in his relationship with her and Lily refused to believe otherwise.
Still they really didn't know all that much about each other's past relationships or their experiences with the opposite sex. Not only that but wasn't it that Divination's homework from Winter Holiday that predicted any love between Lily and James would sputter out as James lost interest in her straight-laced attitude? And he and Cassidy seemed to have a lot in common with their senses of humor, love of Quidditch, and gallant natures.
Maybe James's eye was wandering.
"Stop it!" Lily chided herself. She was being utterly self-conscious but most of all ridiculous and resolved to abandon this skepticism immediately and allow whatever past Cassidy and James shared to remain right where they had seen fit to leave it.
In the past.
Lily would be damned before she started citing her Divination's homework as having any bearing on reality.
She also needed to tell James she loved him.
* * *
Overlooking the common room from the balcony above, Gwen McGinnis sighed as she watched everyone below. She probed her cake with her fork but didn't bother with taking a bite. In spite of the celebration all around her, Gwen couldn't help but feel a bit blue.
So much so that she hadn't even taken notice of Peter's presence next to her.
"What are you doing up here on your own?" Peter questioned as he peered over the ledge with her.
"Feeling mediocre." Gwen confessed. "Nothing like being surrounded by bloody brilliant people to make you appreciate how ordinary you are."
"I can relate to that." Peter admitted.
"Oh sod off." Gwen muttered. "I'm not taking gripes from one of the most popular boys in school."
"Correction; the boy who hangs out with the most popular boys in school." Peter pointed out. "I'm a step above a mascot."
"Well aren't we a pair." Gwen marveled unenthusiastically.
"Just curious, but why don't you think you're special Gwen?" Peter inquired.
"I suppose the same reason you think you're on the outside looking in with the boys." Gwen shrugged. "I'm not sweet and understanding like Millicent or brilliant and stunning like Lily. I'm not the bold athlete Cassidy is or likeable and funny like Arabella. I'm just the odd one out."
"I think the most difficult thing for a person to see is the thing inside them that makes them stand out." Peter divulged. "I'm sure if you asked any of the girls what makes them special they probably wouldn't be able to offer up much. Folk are always so hard on themselves."
"Well you seem pretty adjusted to it all if you're as mundane as you claim to be." Gwen noted, adjusting her glasses as though she were inspecting Peter.
"Well, maybe it's because I know I'm doing the best I can and my friends never fault me for it." Peter guessed. "I mean, I'd be lying if I wish I didn't have James's brains and charisma or Sirius looks and humor or Remus's good-nature and discipline, but I guess I really wouldn't be Peter then now would I?"
Gwen considered this with a thoughtful expression before she spoke up.
"Sometimes I paint." Gwen revealed as though she were admitting to a carefully guarded secret. "I charm the paints so they give vivid hues to the colors. It's about the only thing I can do that's unique."
"You any good?" Peter asked with interest. He had no idea Gwen was inclined in the arts.
"With sceneries, people are a bit tricky for me still." Gwen smiled weakly. "I guess I just don't have the patience for all the little details that need to go in."
"Well, you'll have to show me sometime." Peter nodded as he nudged his cup against Gwen's own. "Until then, why not join me in a toast?"
Picking up her drink and raising it a bit, Gwen raised an eyebrow to Peter.
"Alright, but what are we drinking to?" Gwen demanded.
"Oh, bugger, hadn't thought that far." Peter laughed. "Um, okay, how about 'to our talented friends, their vast shadows, and to the company misery can keep'?"
"That's a funny sort of toast." Gwen observed with a smile as she tapped her glass to Peter's. "But it was very well said anyway."
"I write poems whenever Sirius isn't about to tease me on the matter." Peter sipped his own drink as he and Gwen turned back to the crowd.
"You any good?" Gwen asked politely.
"Not especially, but I'm still proud of it." Peter shrugged.
"Well there's something to be said about that." Gwen praised.
* * *
* ~ *
1977, January 31st
~ Dear Severus Snape:
Greetings and I hope you are well. I promised I would write to you once things had settled a bit for me. Evidently, it requires a month of my time to accomplish this, leading me to assume that my life is either far more stressful and active than I ever gave it credit of or I'm a horrible procrastinator with appalling time management skills.
I'm hoping it is the former since the alternative is just woefully pathetic.
I suppose I should talk myself up a bit now, hm? There's talk circulating that I might soon be promoted to the Assistant Head of my Department. A lucrative position although it is a little more deskwork and elbow rubbing than I'd prefer. My job is currently very hands on and interpersonal, which is why it attracted me in the first place. Still, who can pass up the opportunity to have things run somewhat their way if given the chance? I know Lucius would be positively thrilled if I declined as a gesture towards not complicating his vast social networking.
I should probably seriously consider this position, shouldn't I?
Sorry, could never resist poking a bit of fun at Lucius. I think it's a defect in my line, teasing those whom are unlikely to give us a satisfactory reaction. It's incredibly juvenile, I'm aware. I'd imagine this is as much a reason Sirius antagonizes you as it is an explanation for why I am chronically single. I assure you a bizarre sense of amusement if the fastest route to dying alone. I urge you to avoid it if you can.
So what's new on your end of the quill? I could ask you a series of inane questions regarding your life, but I trust you possess the discretion to mention what you find worth informing of without my prompting. In any case, don't worry about boring me. I find vicarious living through others to be far more gratifying that seeking out my own life. Certainly reduces the stress on remembering birthdays and anniversaries.
Well it would probably be a waste of ink for me to insist you play nice with my younger brother, so I'll be sure to put that comment in his letter. I imagine it will be just as futile an effort but I have to try now don't I? I'll just bid you a good afternoon (at least from when I'm writing this post) for the time being and wish you well in your studies, Potion making, and the like. Feel free to send me a post if you're so inclined.
Fondly;
~ Aurora Black
Psychiatrist in Healing Arts by vocation
Brother's Keeper by recreation
* ~ *
After careful scrutiny of her post, Severus Snape had come to believe that Aurora Black was quite possibly a bit mad.
Still, she wrote letters unlike any other he had received.
That most likely accounted for why Snape was finding it impossible to formulate a satisfactory response back.
In the three days since it had come into his possession, Snape and his perfectionist nature had been unable to compose a decent draft. Glancing to the discouraging pile of discarded parchments, Snape reminded himself to burn them before he was finished. Staring into the empty heading of his most recent attempt, the lack of words was growing increasingly frustrating. Disappointed that he could scribe articulated essays and impressive assignments while a simple letter remained entirely elusive, Snape glowered at his desk.
Snape was accustom to writing brief letters home every so often, replying to specific questions or comments of his family or requesting the occasional supplies for his potion work. He couldn't recall a casual letter demanding nothing more of him than an update of his current life from anyone before now. Aurora was demanding Snape prescribe his own one-way conversation to her; mentioning random events in his life that he assumed would somehow enrich her life, or in the very least be worth her time, by reading.
What a frustrating guessing game.
Tempted to give up all together on the letter and resolve himself not to reply, Snape emitted a sharp exhale as he knew that wasn't an option. As baffling as it was, Aurora has actually written him in spite of his utter loathing of her younger brother. Snape was far more familiar with the notion of blood feuds; rivalries centered around names and relations. She had to be aware of how unorthodox this was.
Aurora was probably amused by it, knowing her family's sense of humor.
Rereading her letter once again, hoping something would provoke his quill, Snape poured over each sentence analyzing each word. Considering he had practically memorized the post at this point it was all he could do.
He noted how dry the content of the letter happened to be. The woman could barely manage a line without some self-deprecating joke or flippant remark. Snape was beginning to wonder if Black sister had issues with inadequacy she should seriously address.
Still, at least she wasn't as obnoxiously boastful in her respectable accomplishments as Sirius Black was with his mediocre ones.
Aurora mentioned both Sirius Black and Lucius Malfoy only in passing. She was most likely being respectful of his dislike of her brother and felt little good would come of pressing the matter other than her comment about them playing nice. If the rest of her letter hadn't been so tongue-in-cheek, Snape would have taken this as a jibe at his younger age and her regard of his and Black's animosity as a petty squabble.
At least she recognized it was complicated, if nothing else.
Snape was curious as to why she didn't discuss Lucius Malfoy at greater length. Aurora was aware that he was on friendly terms with Lucius and she appeared to be more than familiar. Maybe this was too personal a subject for her to politely discuss. Lucius had alluded to such during the conference after New Years.
Then again…
The only time Aurora bothered referring to Lucius was to comment on how she enjoys agitating him. Perhaps she didn't discuss her affairs with Lucius because she was sensitive to his friendship with Malfoy and didn't wish to say anything to reproachful about his friend. Recalling her demeanor around Lucius as being aloof and formal and Lucius's own admissions of their relationship as implied more than anything, Snape wondered exactly what did transpire between the two Hogwarts alumni that had once been inseparable.
Again, Snape thought of Aurora's famed slapping of Lucius Malfoy in Transfiguration class and all the unresolved questions orbiting.
Snape guessed that Aurora Black and Lucius Malfoy, likewise, shared a complicated relationship.
Snape was willing to wager probably more so.
Like when he had first spoken to her, Aurora said little about her own private life but expected him to reveal his own. Snape assumed this was most likely habitual of her profession; asking the right questions and listening carefully without distracting the other person with your own life. It was certainly an effective means to acquire information about those around you without offering much of your own. It left little exposure of and personal vulnerabilities.
It allowed her to remain guarded against others.
Snape picked up his quill and began to scrawl its tip across the page.
* * *
"I'd very much like to know what my present is doing up here." Arabella prompted Remus as he led her up to the attic in Gryffindor tower.
"Well, I wanted it to be a bit of a surprise and if I wrapped it, you'd never forgive me I'd imagine." Remus explained vaguely as he tried the door knob.
"Lupin, I certainly hope you're not going to pass snogging off as some grand gesture for my birthday." Arabella warned with a smirk. "I don't care how good you are it in spite of that shy demeanor; I'm a terror on my birthday if I'm not spoiled with attention AND material possessions."
"Ten strides ahead of you, Pet." Remus assured as he led her into the attic.
Directing her over to the corner of the attic, Remus used Arabella over by a box in the corner. Peering into the shadows, Arabella caught glimpse of a fair amount of fidgeting within. Reaching in carefully with two hands, Remus handed Arabella a small kitten with freshly grown charcoal fur.
"She's precious!" Arabella cooed so adorningly that Remus almost felt jealous of the cat. "If it weren't for the purring, she's so little you'd think she was something another cat coughed up!"
"I almost didn't notice her when I found her out in Hogsmeade last week." Remus agreed. "I have no idea where her mum is but she can't be more than a month old."
"Poor stray baby!" Arabella frowned sympathetically. "I'd guess she'd be the runt of the litter then. I hate it when people overlook a perfectly wonderful creature simply because it's not the most outstanding or healthy in the lot!"
Remus smiled a bit as though he had just been complimented.
"Anyway, I remembered you'd only been keeping about seven cats at school and assumed you wouldn't mind another about." Remus grinned.
"Don't tell me you're going to try and work me up to a baker's dozen! The other girls will have me thrown out of the room!" Arabella laughed. "Cassidy's hates how the rest insist on sleeping on her bed, Gwen keeps finding hair balls in unusual places, and Millicent shrieks each time one of my babies leaves her a dead mouse as a gesture of affection."
"Well, I don't imagine this one will be giving them much trouble." Remus ran a finger over the kitten's head. "She barely has the energy to keep her eyes open let alone annoy your roommates."
"I'll just have to train her up. I think I'll name her Bast." Arabella promised before smiling at Remus and kissing him. "This was a brilliant gift Remus."
"I thought you'd like it." Remus murmured modestly as he places a hand to her cheek and pressed his lips against hers in a deeper embrace. After a few seconds of indulgence Arabella pulled away and wagged her finger in a chiding fashion.
"Not in front of the impressionable kitten, you randy boy." Arabella teased.
"Fair enough." Remus relented. "I'm just glad you love her."
"Bast's not the only thing I love." Arabella whispered as her eyes drifted up to meet Remus's.
The silence was almost startling. Remus felt his lips part to reply, but no words came and he wasn't sure what he had intended to say anyway. The implications of Arabella's sentence wasn't lost on Remus. He knew what she intended to say.
Arabella opened her mouth to say something more but Remus silenced her with a kiss that she didn't protest. It was passionate, anxious, and a direct response to all the knots he felt being tied up inside of him that moment. The traditionally placid Remus had never been more rattled in all his life than he was in that instant.
And considering the sheer volume of tumultuous happenings in it usually, that was saying something.
Pulling his face away from Arabella's, Remus places the tips of his fingers over her lips to keep them from speaking.
"Just hang onto that thought a bit longer, Pet." Remus pleaded softly.
Removing his hand, Remus watched Arabella's response and saw the disappointment emerge. Still, she didn't challenge his request. Placing Bast back in her box, Arabella picked up the entire crate and cradled it in her arms.
"I should put her in my room. My other cats will look after her." Arabella announced softly. "Well, Tuesday is a bit of a bully, but Mitten and Faraday should be kind."
"Okay." Was all Remus could think to say.
"I have to ask." Arabella sighed, turning to Remus exuding all the things anyone could recognize as self-conscious and awkward. "Is it me? Something I've done or haven't done?"
"No and don't you DARE assume otherwise." Remus said sternly and completely sincere. "This is entirely my problem."
"The only problem here, Remus, is you fail to realize that I'm willing to make your problems my own." Arabella shook her head.
"I know." Remus nodded. He knew she meant it, but still something inside of him held back.
"Well, I'm of the disposition to eat a kilogram of cake." Arabella confessed with a sigh.
"You want me to leave you in peace?" Remus offered.
"No, you sodding prat!" Arabella pouted. "I can't guilt trip you if you're off sulking somewhere on your own."
Remus cracked a smile in spite of his complicated mood. Arabella joined him with one of her own.
"So you said you found her a week ago in Hogsmeade?" Arabella inquired.
"Yes." Remus confirmed.
"Two questions then." Arabella spoke with a raised eyebrow. "What were you doing in Hogsmeade and, most importantly, what were you doing without a gift for me a week before my birthday?"
"I'd rather not say since this conversation could become rather incriminating of me very shortly." Remus nervously chuckled.
She was relieved to see him laughing, even if it was only a bit. Remus always passed himself off as so introspective and silent-suffering. Maybe it was too much for her to demand such a reclusive personality to attach itself to her, but Arabella had to at least attempt it. It wasn't Remus's fault if he didn't love her back and she had knew the risks of falling for someone reserved like Remus Lupin some time ago. Arabella was also willing to wager that whatever reluctance Remus was harboring probably had something to do with the New Years, his quarrel with Sirius, and the breadcrumb trail Severus Snape was laying out.
Perhaps if she managed her way to the end, things would be different for her and Remus.
In the meantime, she was just content to get a giggle out of him now and again.
* * *
Lily put all her energy into enjoying the party considering a third of it was in her honor, but she found it to be somewhat taxing since she her inquisition of James. Although she was careful not to even bring up Cassidy again, James still seemed distant and uneasy around her. When it appeared to become too awkward for him, James would make some plausible excuse to abandon her for someone else in Gryffindor.
It was so obvious that Sirius took notice.
"What's James doing leaving you alone?" Sirius demanded as he sat himself on a section of floor near Lily's feet. It was about the only free place available to sit. "Doesn't he know there are randy blokes about hoping to catch a peek up your skirt?"
"I'm not wearing a skirt." Lily smirked, gesturing to her slacks for emphasis.
"Right pity, that." Sirius offered up a suggestive grin. "Still, James has been keeping himself busy tonight."
"Yeah, I think I might have said something to make him cross with me." Lily admitted glumly.
"Doubtful." Sirius shook his head. "The boy's entirely smitten with you. You could probably set his hair on fire all the while pointing and laughing and he'd still be head over heels. That and the fact of his outstanding pratness while courting you certainly doesn't give him much of a leg to stand on."
"So I shouldn't worry?" Lily eyed James's best friend and possibly the only living person who was most versed on all things James Potter.
"Worry about meteors striking you in the head or carrier Owls suddenly developing a taste for human flesh, but never worry about James being anything but thoroughly captivated by you." Sirius advised.
Lily wanted to thank Sirius for making her feel a whole lot better about her current standing with James, but instead she asked.
"Flesh eating Owls?"
Sirius's expression became suddenly perturbed.
"Yeah, worst sodding nightmare I ever had in my bloody life!" Sirius muttered. "I was about five or so when I had it and it bothered me so much that when Aurora, my eldest sis, went to get an Owl of her own, she picked out this Morning Dove instead to help me over my fear. Hard to be scared of a bird who hasn't got enough meat on him to be a Cornish hen. I still get a bit of the wiggins every time a flock of Owls fly overhead."
"That was considerate of her." Lily smiled approvingly.
"Well, you can tell her that in person over spring holiday." Sirius assured as he stood up. "Helios, her Dove, sent me a post mentioning that my parents are still throwing me a bash for my Birthday over Spring Holiday in spite of my questionable behavior."
"James mentioned something about it." Lily nodded.
"Yeah, I'm spreading word about to all the kids in our Year to show up for the event, save for the Slytherin naturally." Sirius rolled his eyes at the thought of their presence before reverting to his usual grin. "My Mum said I could make a weekend of it with the other Gryffindors staying at my house. Merlin knows we have enough rooms for it."
"Sounds fabulous." Lily tried to imagine what a weekend over at Sirius's house while he was celebrating his birthday would be like, but found she was probably too grounded to even fathom such a thing.
"What's fabulous?" James interjected as he strolled over to Sirius and Lily.
"Oh just telling Lily the sleeping arrangements for my birthday." Sirius explained, before turning to Lily. "Now, like I said, you'll be sleeping on the LEFT side of the bed because I'm just no good if I don't' get up on the right."
Sirius glanced over to James to check his audience's reaction.
"Funny, Mate." James replied with a tone that suggested he didn't quite see the humor. Still, it didn't appear as though James was taking his friend's advances all that seriously. "I think you should know flirting with the Quidditch Captain's girlfriend doesn't help your chances of making the team."
"Good to know!" Sirius laughed before patting James on the shoulder. "Alright well then I'll leave you two be then."
Sirius started walking off before he abruptly turned to Lily with an expression that was so solemn it was almost concerning that he could shift moods that fast.
"One question Lily." Sirius requested. "Did Snape mention anything about receiving an odd post or something to you?"
"Um, no." Lily wasn't sure what Sirius was talking about. "We don't speak all that much outside of Prefect meetings."
"Probably my fault." James shrugged not looking all that put out over the thought. He stole a suspicious glance at Sirius. "You're not pranking him are you?"
"No." Sirius sounded honest but looked entirely distracted. "I was just wondering about something."
Without another word, Sirius rejoined the party leaving James and Lily to exchanged bewildered glances.
"What do you suppose that was about?" Lily questioned.
"Who knows with Sirius?" James didn't even attempt a guess. He smiled at Lily while sweeping the bangs from his eyes. "Um, would you mind if we went to your room a bit? I want talk to you and it's a little too noisy to do that properly here."
"That's fine, so long as Professor McGonagall doesn't catch us." Lily agreed conditionally.
"I think she's clearing off." James craned his neck in an effort to locate his House Head. "Still, you go on up first and I'll follow along in a minute."
"Okay." Lily consented as she made her way up the dormitory stairs alone.
Feeling herself growing anxious, Lily wondered what it was James wanted to talk about as she entered her room and began summoning light into it. She tried to tell herself that it wasn't anything to be overtly concerned about since Sirius had made a pretty convincing testimony on James's behalf and it's not like James himself had been hostile to her that evening either.
Maybe he wanted to clear the air on him and Cassidy, taking the conversation into a more private setting so as not to attract any unwanted attention to what they were discussing. It would make sense since that's the only thing Lily could recall to recent memory that would necessitate a secluded talk. Whatever it was about, Lily decided she would allow James to speak whatever was on his mind, make sure they were on good terms, and tell him that she loved him.
Otherwise, Lily was liable to declare it in an explosive announcement to all of the Gryffindor Commons in a desperate fit to get it off her chest.
Lily jumped a bit as she heard the door shut behind her. James stepped into the middle of the room and exhaled in audible relief.
"I don't reckon McGonagall saw me come up here and if anyone else did, they'll have the sense to keep their mouths shut I'm sure." James informed as he approached Lily. "Let's sit down, shall we?"
Lily nodded as she sat herself on the edge of her bed, James joining her at his side. Taking one of her hands into both of his, James smiled awkwardly. Lily felt as though something inside her was fluttering about like a butterfly trapped in a jar, desperate to escape.
"I'd like to apologize for being a git half the night to you." James began, as his eyes uneasily drifted from the top of her hand to searching the expression on her face. "I don't really have an excuse, but I have a reason."
"James, really you don't need to - " Lily insisted in an understanding tone until James cut her off.
"Lily, please just allow me to unburden myself here for a moment then you can say whatever you want." James pleaded gently as he kissed the top of her hand to prompt her silence.
"Alright." Lily agreed.
"As I was saying, I was acting a bit off today because I've been grappling with this restless feeling for a while now." James confessed, urging himself to not start raking his fingers through his hair.
Lily waited, feeling as though the breath had been stolen from her.
A restless feeling?
"Being around you can be such an overwhelming thing for me, Lily." James attempted to explain. "I want to just say and do the first things that pop into my head whether or not they're appropriate and if I was acting bizarre it's because I was trying so hard to restrain myself from doing something rash with something I sincerely feel."
James lifted his wand hand to Lily's cheek and traced circles over the flesh with his slightly clenched fingers.
"I love you." James whispered so quietly Lily almost didn't hear him.
Lily's mouth dropped slightly.
James had beaten her too it again.
Every first in their relationship was initiated by James. Organized by James. Executed perfectly by James. Once again, Lily felt as though she wasn't in a partnership with James. Their relationship was comprised of James making everything work while she just smiled and reacted as he figured she would.
Lily loathed herself for being so indecisive and hesitant.
"I know I said that to you back in October and I haven't said it since. That's not because I somehow stopped loving you between here and there, I just had to be sure. I wanted to know that the next time I said it, I wouldn't have to think about it and would never take it back." James felt Lily's silence weigh on him, provoking him to press on self-consciously. "And I wanted it to be here because that first night back to school, the one I spent underneath my cloak, that was when I first started to fall in love with you so I thought I'd bring things full circle."
James squeezed Lily's hand once with his own before placing it on her shoulder and leaning in closer to her.
"And it's alright if you're not sure how you feel about me yet so you don't have to feel compelled to say anything back to me." James assured. Swallowing hard, James attempted to keep his voice even as his mouth drew closer to Lily's. "All you need to do is know that I love you. With that being said, I'm going to kiss you now as I fear I'll just keep prattling on otherwise."
"I love you, James." Lily whispered back.
James's mouth was so close to her own that Lily's lips brushed across James's as she formed the words. James lingered for a moment in the position, closing his eyes as thought to process the words she had just said. Without another word, Lily tilted her head and embraced James's mouth with hers in a deep and heartfelt kiss that he accepted.
Drawing her closer, James held her as though he expected her to abruptly leave him. The motions of Lily's mouth were passionate, desperate to show James what she felt in her heart through physical gestures and he met her with the same intensity she showed him.
The disappointment of not declaring her love first to James flickered ad died like a candle in the wind for Lily as she broke her mouth away from James long enough to say:
"It doesn't matter which of us says it first or where we utter the words, so long as you and I are both sincere when we say I love you, everything else is just pretty scenery and moot points."
"I love you." James repeated without fear the words would lose their meaning. "And it's entirely Deperire."
Before Lily could ask what the word meant, James's mouth took hers again and made the question lost in countless sighs and soft moans as they continued to kiss.
She would just have to ask James some other time.
* * *
* ~ *
1977, February 4th
~ To Dr. Aurora Black:
I must admit a certain measure of surprise in receiving your post. My family's past interactions with yours did little to encourage any notion that you would freely seek contact with me. I would question your motives but sincerely doubt you'd bother yourself with a straightforward answer. However, if you are writing to entertain some lingering feelings of obligation or guilt because of your brother's behavior during New Years, I recommend you don't burden yourself or I with your pity.
In response to your post, I'll have to recommend that you live vicariously through someone other than myself. I typically strive to keep my life as uneventful as I can manage and when I find it deviating from its preferred seclusion I do what I must to keep my business from becoming that of others. Presently, I keep myself occupied with my responsibilities as a student and Prefect and amused with my work in potions. Anything beyond such is either inconsequential or preferably kept private.
I suppose congratulations are in order for your success in your department at the Ministry, although I shall save any formal praise if and when you actually obtain the position as Assistant Head of Magical Catastrophes. As I have nothing positive to say on the topic, I will refrain from discussing your brother as a courtesy to you.
Considering your elusive manner of discussing yourself while thoroughly probing others, I fear I cannot trust your discretion in what is of value to know concerning your life. Perhaps I've spent too much time in Slytherin; regardless I feel as though you have me at a disadvantage concerning how much knowledge you possess of me in contrast to what I know about you. As such, I'll simply ask you specific questions and would prefer you to be as forthright with your responses as required.
Why have you taken it upon yourself to be your Brother's Keeper? While I can understand how someone like Sirius Black would require constant supervision I fail to see why you feel either compelled or obligated to be the one to provide him with it.
How would you define your relationship with Lucius Malfoy? I traditionally refrain from prying in the affairs of others; however, Malfoy is a close confidant of my family and I would very much like to avoid any misunderstandings or presumptuous interpretations of yourself and Malfoy if it can at all be helped.
Lastly, have you no one of your own age to keep correspondence with? Not that I particularly mind receiving the occasional post from you, I am merely curious as to what circumstances in your life has compelled you to find a seventeen year old wizard a gratifying source of conversation.
As I draw this letter to a close, I shall wish you good health and fortune in obtaining your perspective promotion.
Sincere regards,
~ S. Snape.
* ~ *
Considering this to be the most satisfactory draft he had composed, Snape made his way to the Owlry to have it sent out. It revealed little about himself, about his thoughts, his feelings, or his personal regards about anything or anyone.
With the exception of Snape's much founded suspicions toward Dr. Black's intentions.
It was a possibility that Aurora had no ulterior motive in contacting him other than to inquire how he was getting along. Perhaps that was just the kind of person she was, someone who made a point to remember and check in on those who have passed through her lives.
Then again, perhaps not.
Any reluctance to answer his questions would serve as more than enough proof for Snape that this was psychoanalyzing under the guise of casual correspondence. They had terminated their relationship as Doctor and patient one month ago and Snape saw little appeal in going back to it. It was possible Dumbledore had asked her to do a follow up but Snape had already been blindsided once by his Headmaster and the good Doctor and he refused to be caught off-guard again.
If Aurora Black was looking for civil conversation, that was one thing; but if she wanted to throw one more case on her workload she could do so elsewhere.
"I wonder what her reply will be." Snape thought as he sent off the carrier owl.
* * *
After an uncertain period of time consumed in one another's affections and embrace, James left a moderately exhausted Lily to catch a bit of sleep. Enveloped in the lingering euphoria of telling Lily his feelings for her while demonstrating them in a manner that toed the line of gentlemanly behavior, James had no intention of going to bed that moment. Swaggering into the common room, James found it was deserted save for Remus who was dispelling decorations and debris with his wand.
"Everyone leave you to clean up the mess?" James inquired as he pulled out his own wand to assist his friend.
"Well, I imagine our Prefect would have helped if I didn't suspect she became suddenly indisposed." Remus smiled knowingly at James. "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you Prongs?"
"Not a thing." James lied unconvincingly while he smirked. "So why didn't Arabella help you?"
"She's feeding the kitten I got her for her birthday." Remus explained. "Besides she shouldn't have to clean up after her own party."
"Oh, but it's okay for Lily too?" James demanded with a laugh as he waved away a cluster of streamers.
"You know I wouldn't have let her." Remus stretched a bit.
"Yeah, you're decent like that." James nodded. "I told Lily I loved her."
"And the déjà vu firmly sets in." Remus teased, recalling the last time James confessed his love to Lily. "I'm truly happy for you, James. Wait, did she say it back?"
"Yes." James assured.
"That's grand for the both of you then." Remus replied, slightly relieved that he didn't have to improvise a speech on how complicated and mysterious woman are for his friend's benefit.
"How about you and Arabella?" James turned the conversation over to his friend. "Are you two spinning in the daisies, sun on your faces, head over heels in love yet?"
Remus chuckled a little to the forthright nature of the question and hope it would mask his uneasy expression.
"I - " Remus struggled for something to help rationalize his complex emotions about his relationship with Arabella and how strangled it was by the life he knew before it. "I think we're still sorting it all out for ourselves."
That was a lie.
A lie to James, no less.
Arabella knew what she felt.
He was the only one amongst them sorting.
"Well it's not like there's a deadline on it, Remus." James extended a bit of comfort with a sincere smile. "Plus, you're the only one around here with more than his fair share of decency and sense. Arabella will see that soon and once you know for sure yourself, well, I imagine you can't muck this sort of thing up to the spectacular level Sirius, Peter, and myself are capable of."
If James only knew.
"Thanks James. You always know what to say. I'll finish up here." Remus offered, wanting desperately to be alone. "Just be a mate and make sure that Sirius isn't snogging some girl in my bed like he so thoughtfully promised to earlier."
"Good to see you two are getting along famously again." James quipped with a grin as he headed towards the stairs.
"Makes one almost wistful for when I hated the git." Remus joked as he waved James off.
Sighing, Remus resisted the urge to pull out his gray dusted hair in clumps.
James was right.
This breed of anxiety and indecision was beneath him.
Settling onto the couch, Remus hugged his arms to him as he skipped over disappointment and went straight for his carefully hidden depression.
If he had been honest with his good friend, Remus would have told James that he did, in fact, love Arabella Figg and has for sometime around the first Quidditch celebration party last October. Deciding that if he could still be fond of the girl after seeing her in her most disheveled and vulnerable state as Arabella was after consuming Peter and Sirius's Potions experiment, Remus figured he was pretty much in love with her.
Actually being with her as more than a friend only confirmed this assumption.
Remus thought being in love with Arabella and having her love him as well would make him happy. Instead, he found himself completely fearful and insecure.
Having a lifetime to slowly harden himself to the likeliness of spending his days without the sort of intimacy so many others had the luxury of seizing, Remus had always been so careful to keep just out of reach for the rest of the world. It was all Remus could do being what he was come every full moon.
He feared the pain that always came when he was shunned, rejected, and insulted by the ignorant and scared.
The only thing he feared worse was the pain he could unconsciously inflict on those who accepted, cared for, and stood by him out of love and loyalty.
It was one thing for his family to know what he was.
And he had come to terms with James, Peter, and Sirius finding out.
Arabella was different.
His family had loved him before he was bitten and if he had been rejected by James and the others, Remus wagered he wouldn't be that much worse off than he had been before attending Hogwarts.
Arabella was different
Remus couldn't tell Arabella he loved her or hear her tell him that she loved him without her knowing that he was a Werewolf. And Remus couldn't tell Arabella that he was a Werewolf without risking her rejecting him.
Her fearing him.
Her hating him.
Remus almost found this desirable to the alternative. The alternative meant a potential lifetime of worrying that he might harm her or worse. New Years had rattled Remus to a near maddening state. The idea that he could have slaughtered half his friends without a second, feral thought haunted him with dreams he couldn't speak of and still pretend to be perfectly fine in spite of. Remus wasn't adjusting as he had expected. Things were best when he portended how fine he was with everything and it was hard to make-believe when people keep shoving the reality of things in your face.
Briefly but seriously considering breaking things off clean with Arabella before they became more invested in one another, Remus thought it would be better to part ways so she could find someone to make her happy and he could not burden anyone. He refused to do that to her as long as he stood a chance of being the one to give Arabella that kind of happiness. It was just the "how" that was presently getting to him.
Falling in love with Arabella had caused Remus to stumble further than he could have ever anticipated.
It wasn't the fall he particularly dreaded.
It was what would happen once everything met a sharp and sudden impact.
* * *
* * * * * *
* * *
AFTERWARDS
Bast = the Egyptian Goddess of Cats
This song pick is probably one of my more complimentary of a chapter (they're all wonderful, what am I talking about). Anyway, the reason I say this is because I think it manages to describe more than one of the principle characters in this story.
Still, I'm sure you can all come up with at least one character to think about when you read/hear it. (I won't mention mine since I'd hate to skew things)
* * *
21 Things I want in a Lover
By: Alanis Morissette
* * *
do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
do you have a big intellectual capacity
but know that it alone does not equate wisdom?
do you see everything as an illusion
but enjoy it even though you are not of it?
are you both masculine and feminine?
politically aware? and don't believe in capital punishment?
these are 21 things that i want in a lover
not necessarily needs but qualities that i prefer
do you derive joy from diving in
and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
are you funny? à la self-deprecating?
like adventure? and have many formed opinions?
these are 21 things that i want in a lover
not necessarily needs but qualities that i prefer
i figure i can describe it since i have a choice in the matter
these are 21 things i choose to choose in a lover
i'm in no hurry i could wait forever
i'm in no rush cuz i like being solo
there are no worries and certainly no pressures
in the meantime i'll live like there's no tomorrow
are you uninhibited in bed? more than 3 times a week?
up for being experimental? are you athletic?
are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
are you not addicted?
...are you curious and communicative?