The Last Kefsen by Jardyn39
Chapter 22: The Waking Forest
Staring down at the new grave, Harry said quietly, "I'm sorry, Hermione."
Hermione looked deep in thought and didn't answer at once but then said, "Hm?"
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I wanted to. Jen wanted me to. I just couldn't."
Hermione looked up and said, "Let's sit for a while," and went over to an ornate timber and iron park bench seat nearby.
"I didn't see this before," commented Harry as he sat down next to Hermione.
"It wasn't here before. I think Dumbledore must have done it before he left."
They sat for a while, taking in the noises of the waking forest. Harry took a deep steadying breath.
"I told you before how Jen attacked me at Grimmauld Place."
"Yes."
"There is something I haven't told, well a couple things actually, that I have not told anyone. They are the reasons why Jen was so special to me. I wanted you to know but I couldn't find a way to tell you."
Hermione waited.
When Harry did not continue, she said, "I came down to the common room earlier. I was worried about Jen but I found Professor Dumbledore. He told me he had got a message from Hagrid, but I think he knew something was wrong before then. We talked for a while and then he suggested we should go and find you."
"I wish they could have met. Jen and Dumbledore I mean," said Harry sadly.
"They did."
Harry looked up in surprise. "I didn't know. When?"
"He told me this morning that if Gryffindor was to have a guest, then he felt obliged to satisfy himself that they did not present a risk to the students. He …"
Hermione hesitated.
"What?"
"He said he didn't want you to think he couldn't trust your judgement." Hermione looked at Harry tentatively, trying to read his reaction to this.
"It was the right thing to do. For all he knew, she might have been dangerous. And I suppose I can't blame him for not saying anything."
Looking relieved, Hermione continued, "He also said he had been curious to know what really happened to you over the summer."
"Did she tell him?"
"He said they had a long conversation during the second day of term, and yes, Jen did tell him. I asked what she said, of course, but he just said ask Harry. Jen had asked him not to say anything but Dumbledore did say that he was sure she had told him the truth and consistent with everything he saw when he looked into your mind when you were at Grimmauld Place. He had been sure then, that Jen no longer presented any danger, at least to you. He said you've been blocking his attempts to read you since then, though."
"He saw? Everything?" Harry asked a little too quickly.
Harry took a deep breath and let out a deep sigh. He half wished Dumbledore had told Hermione, but at the same time he was uncomfortable: how much had Dumbledore seen?
"He just said ask Harry," Hermione said simply, "although he was wearing a funny sort of smile when he said it."
So he did see everything, Harry thought.
"When Jen and I attacked each other," Harry began, "we both went into a sort of a coma. While we were both unconscious, I was actually awake but awake inside my mind. I awoke surrounded by things from my memories. I thought they were real at first. The first thing I noticed was a framed print hanging on the wall. It was nothing special but that identical print and frame had been thrown away by my Uncle after Dudley had defaced it."
"While I was thinking about the print, Jen burst into the room telling me to get up so we could start revising for my OWL re-sits. When we left the bedroom, I was in a large room, a bit like a library with shelves and shelves of file boxes and books. Jen explained that the boxes appeared to be my memories and immediately set about reorganising!"
"Reorganising?" asked Hermione, trying to take in this new version of what had happened.
"Jen thought my mind was a bit cluttered. You know, I think she did some good too. I have been better at remembering things lately."
"Anyway," continued Harry, "I think the whole library thing was just a representation. Just a reality that my mind could accept while I was recovering.
"She followed me back here to Hogwarts. If she hadn't, I'm not sure either of us would have survived being torn apart. We remained linked, but that isn't what really motivated her to follow me. She was determined that I should accept what she had seen in me. She figured it out.
"Jen told me, after we were here, that I had affected her too. I wasn't aware of anything, but Jen said she had changed. She went from a creature who would kill without hesitation to one who genuinely cared for the wellbeing of others.
"Jen had a good time staying in Gryffindor this year, Hermione. She really enjoyed having all those laughs, the jokes, the teasing boys by kidding them she was someone else!"
Hermione gave a snort and nodded.
"She used to tell me every detail of her adventures," continued Harry. "She had been so very lonely and I don't think she could quite believe how much things had changed for her. The awful thing was that she knew she was dying. We were still linked somehow until she died a few hours ago. All year I have been literally feeling her pain.
"But the thing she loved more than anything else was helping people with their studies. She would glow with pride telling me how so-and so got such-and-such grade and she hadn't once given any of the answers."
Hermione smiled, remembering.
"You did that, Hermione."
Hermione's smile grew a little wider and then she asked, "So you took away Jen's predatory instincts gave her compassion instead?"
"Well, kind of. She said she thought it was 'the power he knows not' that did it. But, anyway, I think her instincts were overwhelmed not lost. It was the ambivalence of my feelings she could not cope with."
Harry took a deep breath before continuing.
"You remember, on the first night, I told everyone that Jen's second form was a bit scary?"
"Yes. What …?" said Hermione before Harry interrupted.
"Well, when I surprised Jen at Grimmauld Place, she took on that second form. Jen told me later that she could take the form that she could best defeat her opponent."
"Like a boggart?"
Harry gave a dry laugh, remembering Jen's reaction to his same suggestion.
"She said yes, to a point. Boggarts only present what will scare: they use their shape shifting as a defensive means. Jen used her abilities as an offensive weapon. She presented whatever it took to utterly destroy her opponent. She had the wisdom of age and was extraordinarily aggressive.
"Jen told me afterwards how sorry she was for attacking me. She also said that feeling sorry for any victim was completely alien to her. She had never failed to kill and consume any victim before.
"Jen presented to me a form to which she knew I had no defence and could not attack. It made no difference that I had no time to react and no wand. I was just finished."
"What form? Not dementors," Hermione started, "couldn't be Voldemort because Jen could only take female forms."
"No, Jen was more subtle than that anyway," Harry continued before Hermione could finish her train of thought. "The form she took in order to destroy me unfortunately was the very same form that gives me strength to never give up. Some subconscious part of me knew somehow how to fight back. Did you ever notice that Jen never once took your form all year, apart from last night?"
"Yes, I noticed," Hermione said a little stiffly.
"That was because I asked her not to."
Hermione turned her head suddenly and asked, "Why?"
"When I got back to Grimmauld Place I was in a terrible state what with Sirius and you and the Ministry. When we were in our coma and I fully remembered what had happened, I got in a bit of a state again. It was Jen who helped me and got me through it. She made me talk about things. Since she had access to all my memories there seemed little point not to."
Harry looked straight into Hermione's eyes and said, "Jen, in my coma, took your form. She was my memory of you. Jen knew that I only really listen to you and you're the person I trust more than anyone.
"Jen knew that just because she could look and sound like you, it didn't make me react the same way. But when she spoke of the things you are passionate about, that was when I found it difficult to differentiate between you. She made me talk everything through.
"That was why Jen loved the things you love. She felt my reactions and my emotions, and those reactions and emotions are strongest are when I think of you and when I'm with you. She loved being you."
"W-What are you saying?"
"You are the only person I trust to tell what creature Jen knew would utterly defeat me. I should have asked you a long time ago, but would you like to know now?"
"Yes, what was it?"
"It's actually more of a who than a what."
"Okay, who was it?" asked Hermione a little acerbically.
"You."
"What?"
"It was you. It was you with a truly awful look and saying some terrible things."
"What things?"
"That you didn't want to be my friend - that you blamed me for Sirius and Cedric - that I should have been expelled - that you'd never love me - that you thought I was just an attention seeking weirdo who made everything up - that …"
Harry stopped when Hermione placed her hand on his, feeling his throat tighten.
They remained quiet for a few moments.
The Hermione spoke quietly, "You know I don't think any of those things, don't you Harry? Well?"
When Harry did not respond, she continued. "Do you think I'm not your friend?"
"Of course not," Harry said firmly, "it's just … don't you see? … That's the point. It's you saying it that makes it so, so …"
"That is ridiculous. Are you really that insecure?" Hermione began, sounding exasperated.
"Okay, let me try to explain," he began.
"When I was in the graveyard and Voldemort was about to finish me, it was your face that made me keep some hope. When Dudley and I were attacked by Dementors, it was remembering you that helped me produce a real patronus. To be completely honest, you weren't the only one I was thinking of at those times. But when we were at the Ministry and you got hurt, I could not go on. Only when Neville felt a pulse could I even think about getting the others out."
"Harry, …"
"I know, you're thinking pathetic," he said with a small smile.
"Not entirely," replied Hermione. She was not smiling.
"Well, I think you should know that I can do pathetic too! When I'm playing Quidditch, I've only won when I've seen you cheering. I can't face the day unless I've had a good morning from you. I even leave some homework late in the hope of being scolded by you."
Hermione just rolled her eyes at this.
"Yeah, and I quite like it when you do that too."
Standing and holding out her hand, Hermione said, "You know, I'm not surprised Jen didn't want to stay in your head, Harry, it's quite a messed up place."
Taking her hand, Harry allowed himself to be pulled up from the seat and led over to the grave.
Harry wasn't feeling at all pleased with himself. He'd managed not to lie, exactly, but he certainly hadn't told her everything. The pain in his side, Jen's pain, was gradually subsiding and he was already feeling his scar prickle again. He had lost his link with Jen now. It was beginning.
The anguish he was feeling made it a little easier for him to push those thoughts away for a little longer.
Blooming forest flowers had begun to grow over the freshly placed earth already.
Harry and Hermione stood for a while in silence looking at the ornate carvings that had appeared on the stone headstone.