Chapter 30: Extreme Make Over: Castle Edition
A/N: First off, now that I've hit the 30 chapter/100k word mark, I actually took the time to lay out a timeline for the rest of the summer. Looks like it will take another 25 chapters before the Hogwarts Express leaves Platform 9 ¾ on 1 September, but at least I now have the route to the station mapped out. I hope that the story stays interesting enough for my faithful readers to join me on that ride. Second, a few reviewers have asked for more details about Windsor Castle and the surrounding area. I've decided to accommodate that request by using a bit more description, combined with selective hot links that connect with some of the web sites that I've used in my research. Please let me know if this helps, or distracts.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, no money being made, etc., etc.
Thursday, June 21, 7:35am
Round Tower, Windsor Castle
It took Harry Potter a few seconds to realize that it was his badge that had woken him, and not his alarm clock. A charitable observer might forgive this disorientation, noting that he was in a darkened room, on a new bed, and wearing a short kimono instead of pajamas. And a discreet observer might overlook the sweet confusion that came with him waking up tightly spooned against Hermione. But Harry was too frightened at that moment to think about either charity or discretion. He groped for his glasses, and with newly focused vision made a snitch-worthy lunge towards the Order of Arthur badge that was flashing on the floor.
"Sir Evan," he exclaimed, "what's wrong?"
"Erm, nothing, Sir Harry," the elderly night replied via badge phone. "I was checking to see if you and Dame Hermione were safe…her parents are having trouble finding you."
Harry's movement had woken Hermione, who had found the magical light switch. "What?" she asked, as she turned towards Harry, "where are they now?"
"Erm, one second," was the reply, "got them on my mobile…ah, they are the base of the Round Tower, and they say that they couldn't find you in your new quarters. Your mobile wasn't working either."
Hermione grabbed her mobile from her nightstand and double-checked the charge. When she looked back up Harry guessed that she had made a realization similar to his.
"Erm, Sir Evan," Harry asked (rather sheepishly), "will you tell them that we're fine and that we'll meet them at the base of the tower in ten minutes?"
"Consider it done," Sir Evan replied.
"How are things on Privet Drive, by the way?" Hermione asked.
"Oh, bit of a mess still, but Number 12 is in fine shape…your friends are pretty handy with their repairing spells...looking forward to your return, though."
"Oh..well, yes," stammered Harry. "We'll talk about that with you soon. Thanks again for your help, Sir Evan."
"Your very welcome, Sir Harry…Evan out."
"Arrgh," Harry lamented, once he "hung up" his badge, "He thinks we're moving back still…and I can't believe we forgot about the Confundus spell on the tent flap…good thing that it wasn't an emergency."
"Yes," agreed Hermione as she wiped sleep from her eyes. "No worries at all, other than what mum and dad will say when we explain why they couldn't find us and give them a tour of the tent."
"What?" Harry asked with alarm, as he looked around at the room. "Oh Merlin, that would look bad...do we have to?" He quickly stood and pulled at the obi that was tied around the waist of his short robe.
"Yes, we probably do" Hermione replied with a smile, as she watched Harry retrieve his boxer shorts from his clothes pile. "But don't pull those up into a twist just yet."
"Hermione," Harry said reprovingly, "your parents have been amazingly accepting of our relationship and current living arrangements, but really…do you want to push our luck?"
To emphasize his point, he opened his nightstand drawer, pulled out a pair of velvet-lined handcuffs, and started swinging them around on one finger.
Hermione crawled over to Harry's side of the bed on all fours. Tracking how poorly her kimono kept up with her thighs as she moved, Harry failed to notice as Hermione caught the swinging handcuffs with one hand, quickly wrapped her arms around him and used the cuffs to drag him down on top of her.
"If this is all that you worry about today," she told him in an unusually husky voice, "then I'll take my chances."
Harry gulped as Hermione raked the handcuffs up the length of his back and pinned the back of his legs down with the heels of her feet.
"Erm, Hermione?"
"Yes, Harry."
"Would you like to go out a second date with me tomorrow night?"
"Thought that you'd never ask."
+++
It only took Harry and Hermione a few minutes to resist temptation, change into trainers, and run down to meet her parents. After apologizing for the Confundus charm (which Hermione claimed she now used almost reflexively after sharing a house with Dudley Dursley), Harry and Hermione led her parents out of the Castle and along the running route that they'd used the night before. From the Castle it was exactly three miles down The Long Walk to The Copper Horse and three miles back, with a four-mile long loop in between that took them past Cranbourne Tower, Cumberland Lodge, and Frogmore. Hermione was amazed at how well her parents kept up, despite knowing that they had started their training at the same time that Harry and she had. She said as much as they cooled down with a walk around the outer perimeter of the castle walls.
"Well somebody has to keep up with you two," Roger Granger explained with a smile, "or else there's no telling what sorts of mischief you two could get into."
Harry and Hermione responded with nervous laughter. "So was everything alright last night downstairs?" Harry asked.
"Yes," Emily said, "it was like we were camping, what with the army cots and kerosene lanterns…though I'll admit that the chamber pots were a bit off-putting,"
"Which reminds me, young lady," Roger said, "We didn't hear you two come down last night to use the facilities across the way. Please tell me you have some sort of magical water-free toothbrush."
"Erm, something like that, daddy."
"Well good," Roger replied with a smile. "Just because your mum and I aren't practicing dentists anymore doesn't get you off the hook when it comes to proper oral hygiene."
"Speaking of your new jobs," Harry said quickly, trying to change the topic, "I don't think I ever told you both how amazed I was whilst watching you train this past week."
"Thank you Harry," Roger said. "I was a little amazed myself at how easily Emily took to flying…she usually leaves her lunch behind when she hops down off of carnival rides."
"Well," Emily replied in mock indignation, "maybe that was only because I had somebody so big and so strong to hold on tight to during that ride."
"Oh, mum," Hermione said with a bit of exasperation while Harry laughed.
"Seriously, though," Roger said, "I'd have to say that even with all of the scary bits that I couldn't think of a better way to have spent the past few weeks."
"So even when the bits get scarier?" Harry asked, "because you know that they will."
"Hermione Jane," Emily said with a smile, "it sounds as if your boyfriend is trying to get rid of us."
"Oh, no" Hermione replied, "it's just his saving-people-thing kicking in."
"Well that's good," Roger replied, as they signed back in at the guardhouse in front of the George IV Gateway and walked into the Upper Ward's courtyard, "because we've got business to discuss this morning."
"Erm, that might have to wait," Harry said, as he spied a flock of owls perched patiently on the Round Tower's battlements. "Looks like Hermione and I have some mail to defuse first."
With promises to meet the Grangers in a half-hour's time for breakfast, Harry and Hermione climbed up to the tower's addition to take on the assault of mail. Having made it a point not to have The Daily Prophet delivered to Windsor, they relied upon the breath of commentary to gauge just how caustic Rita Skeeter's hack-job had been. From the looks of things, it was every bit as bad as what they'd expected, but not more so.
Hermione expressed encouragement at seeing some supportive letters from Ministry workers who had experienced the truth first hand. A few had even chosen to sprinkle their remarks with disparaging comments about the Minister of Magic and his staff (using personal parchment, of course).
"Could have been worse," Harry opined, "looks like only seventy percent is negative, and only half of that lot are howlers."
"Well hello, Mister Optimism," Hermione replied. "Certainly a welcome change from how surly you were last night."
"Well what can I say," Harry replied as he gazed fondly towards the Love Shack, "you just washed all of that anger off of me."
"Right," Hermione replied, "best you find another way of calming down …I'm not about to carry that scrub brush around with me."
"That's too bad," Harry said, "because it was my focus on those bristles on my back that helped me clear my mind. I was quite serene there, for a moment."
"Only for a moment?"
"Well, the cold bucket of water over my head was rather harsh for my concentration."
Hermione laughed. "If that's the case maybe some scrubbing would help with your occlumancy skills."
Harry thought about that off-hand remark more seriously than Hermione expected.
"Yes, I think you are right… certainly bound to be more effective than anything Snape taught me."
Hermione stared up and off to one side in what Harry recognized as one of her classic thinking poses.
"So a single-point focus….like a labyrinth almost, or a rosary…makes sense, actually…don't know why I didn't think of it sooner."
"Think about what?" Harry asked.
Hermione cast an Accio spell, and a few moments later handed Harry the Love Shack's scrub brush.
"Think that it's time for you to take a Zen shower," she replied. "By yourself," she added, quickly shooting down Harry's expectant look.
+++
As the loser of a game of rock-paper-scissors, Harry reluctantly grabbed some fresh clothes and made the short hike to the castle guard's changing room. Harry was happy to see that Mr. Granger was still there to document his propriety…it was even worth the good-natured ribbing that he took (e.g. "So Harry, I imagine you use magic to keep from having to shave each morning, right?"). Harry showered and dressed in a white shirt, Gryffindor rep tie, mauve linen suit, and loafers. They then made their way to the Royal Mess, where they joined Emily and Hermione for breakfast.
The "Royal Mess" was, for all intents, a company cafeteria - a place where Castle employees could grab a free meal without having to navigate through crowds of tourists and security checkpoints. But this was Windsor Castle, and the Queen took care of her staff,, so it was as much a company cafeteria as a Rolls Royce was a commuter car. The hall was large and ornate, with hardwood floors, oriental carpeting and walls covered with paintings not of monarchs, but of those who served monarchs over the centuries. The tables were covered in linen, set with real silver, and dressed with fresh flowers.
The Mess manager greeted Roger and Harry at the door as if he were welcoming guests into his own house, and led them to a table where Hermione and Emily were already scanning a menu whose entrees ranged from haute cuisine to comfort foods.
"So, Harry," Emily said after the two men were seated, "It seems that you are already turning heads and making friends within the Castle."
"How's that?"
"The manager mentioned your insistence on taking meals here, instead of within one of the private state rooms…said it was 'refreshingly humble for a member of the peerage'."
"Well…it wasn't just my decision," Harry replied, as he took note of Hermione's glowing smile. "And I don't see why anyone should make a big deal…after all, I am a employee of the Crown, right?" To emphasize that point, Harry grabbed the Staff ID that hung from his jacket lapel.
"And walking into the kitchens to thank the staff?"
"Seemed the right thing to do…and Hermione's got me well trained not to take Hogwart's house elves for granted." That comment earned a laugh from the table, as a waiter arrived to take their order. "I also wanted to give them an update on Brian's condition…a lot of his old co-workers were there and word had gotten around that he'd been injured."
Emily nodded. "I called the hospital while we were waiting…he's been moved out of the Intensive Care Unit."
"That's great…has he regained consciousness?"
Mrs. Granger shook her head. "They think it still may take a few days…it was a rather nasty concussion that he suffered."
"And they won't know until he wakes just how bad the spinal cord injury was?"
After Emily nodded the conversation dropped for a few seconds as they all thought about (and silently prayed for) Brian's prospects for a full recovery.
Roger broke the silence by providing Harry with an initial cost estimate from Privet Drive. Had there really been a gas main explosion, the utility company would have been liable, but given the circumstances, it was understandably reluctant to accept responsibility. MI-5 ¾ did have a secret fund for these sorts of things, but Harry had insisted that he cover the costs, arguing that the attack involved wizard terrorists. As a handshake compromise, the charges were to be split down the middle, with Harry providing payment in kind; rather than directly repay the Crown he would use his funds to support wizard forces fighting against Voldemort. With an estimate now in hand, Harry told Roger that he would create a "war funds" account within his Gringott's portfolio, and transfer a galleon-equivalent amount.
Emily then raised a Clan Potter issue. Plans had been made for a summer solstice party that weekend, with an expanded guest list that included every muggle-born Hogwarts student and their family. She had made arrangements to cover travel expenses for those students that lived outside of Greater London, but was uncertain what to do now that Privet Drive was a construction zone. Harry replied that bringing all of the muggle-borns together was more important than ever, given the Ministry's actions. Hermione pointed out that there was plenty of room within the Castle, but that it might not be prudent to flaunt his position as Queen's Wizard. Harry agreed, and mentioned sight of some sort of amusement park when he was up on the Round Tower's roof. Emily promised to look into that possibility and to have a list of potential alternatives ready for Harry by dinner.
Harry had just poured a second cup of tea for Hermione when Wally entered the hall and approached their table. He asked, "Lord Gryffindor, Dame Hermione, would you allow me to interrupt your breakfast?"
Harry smirked at Wally's formality as he nodded in response. Wally explained that the Prince had instructed the Household Staff to fast-track the renovation and refurbishment of the Round Tower. To that end, there was a delegation of people that wanted to meet with Harry and Hermione for a tour. They immediately agreed, on condition that the Granger's come along as well (as they might have an interest on the ground floor living quarters). And so it was that fifteen minutes later Harry, Hermione and her parents were introduced to the Castle Superintendent, the Royal Architect, the Castle's Maintenance Chief and the Royal Curator of Art. The Royal Historian, whom they'd already met, was there as well.
It took almost an hour to complete the tour. As they made their way up through the various floors it became clear to Harry that there were competing interests within the group. The Maintenance Chief was almost embarrassed that the Queen had offered such spartan quarters to her guests, and took every opportunity to suggest how the floor plans could be changed, elevators installed, and modern conveniences provided. In contrast, the Royal Architect wanted to leave the tower the way it was, in the name of historic preservation. Whenever his colleague started to discuss knocking down walls, or adding an HVAC system, the Architect would argue (politely, of course) that the Queen's guests would be much more comfortable elsewhere within the castle. The Curator took a middle course, asking that the changes be kept to what was absolutely necessary, and that they be done with an eye towards historic accuracy. And while the other staff members were trying to make their points, the Royal Historian provided more information about the tower's history.
Windsor Caste was one of a series of fortifications built within a day's march of London, and the Round Tower was one of the first structures built within the Castle. Its foundation stones were placed on top of an artificial hill that was constructed using the rubble from a previous structure.
"Who lived in the Tower besides the occasional Royal Wizard?" Harry asked.
The historian replied, "When there wasn't a wizard in residence the tower belonged to the Superintendent's predecessor."
"His title was Castellan," the Superintendent added, "though he was also identified as a governor. He lived in the upper apartment, while his lieutenant-governor had the ground floor quarters."
"So this Castellan…was it a military or a civil post?" Hermione asked.
"Both," the historian replied. "He was the local judge, chief forester and warden of the Windsor forest…at the same time, he was in charge of the castle's defense, and of any prisoners kept within the tower's cells."
The tower's detention area was sandwiched in between the upper and lower living quarters, with confinement space allotted based on the prisoner's rank and gentry status. The first level had twelve small cells; the second level, four. The third level had only a single cell; this "King's Suite," was the historic home of jailed monarchs and regents.
Each of the two separate living areas had three rooms spread over two levels. The first floor of each apartment was a large open common room, with fireplaces spaced evenly along the circular walls. This was the main living area, and was also used as a dining room. The floor above was divided into bed chamber and dressing room. Since the ground level also had a guard house and storage room for weaponry, the lower apartment's rooms were necessarily smaller.
In keeping with its main purpose, the tower's living quarters were all opened to the circular staircase, providing easy access to its narrow windows for the Castle's archers, and (later on), musket men. In fact, the only interior doors within the Tower were attached to the jail cells. This openness became an issue when the group discussion hit upon privacy concerns; anyone climbing the tower's stairs to raise and lower the Royal Standard had to walk through each of the living quarters.
Harry's worry about explaining away the Love Shack once the tour reached the addition proved baseless; Hermione had taken it down after her morning shower. The posts Harry had used for sword practice were still there, though, prompting him to provide cryptic comments about their use in a new illusion that he was developing.
After finishing their tour the group moved to a castle conference room to hammer out a renovation plan. Harry and Hermione scored points with the Architect and Historian by severely limiting the scope of work. Walls would be built to separate stairwells from living quarters, a stone-encased pipe chase would provide water and sewer service throughout the tower and electrical service to the lower apartment. Small W.C.s would also be built within each dressing room. Plans to build modern kitchens and install centralized heating were shelved; they would take their meals in the Royal Mess, and rely upon the fireplaces to provide heat in the winter.
When asked about potential reuse of the detention levels, Harry decided to leave it in its present condition; his only request being that the cell doors have modern locks installed. The Superintendent jokingly asked whether Harry had plans on housing any prisoners; when Harry smiled and replied "That's exactly what I'm planning to do," Hermione was the only one to realize that he just might be serious.
Once plans were finalized the meeting broke up with the Castle's superintendent and art curator asking for separate meetings with Harry and Hermione. Wally tagged along as the Superintendent gave Harry and Hermione an overview of the Castle's security systems.
The bulk of the Castle's defenses were arrayed to defend against tourists, rather than terrorists. The Castle was one of Britian's most popular tourist attractions, particularly after the devastating fire of 1992, when the Queen opened for public display many of the rooms that had been restored at taxpayer expense. As the Superintendent led them through Castle grounds he pointed out various checkpoints and queues, where Castle visitors were checked to ensure that nothing dangerous was brought in, and nothing valuable taken out. He further noted that, after an embarrassing series of incidents, great care had been taken to keep uninvited guests from gaining access to the private portions of the Castle. Most of that effort was done remotely, as he demonstrated by walking them through a monitor-filled control room similar to what had been housed upstairs at Number Five Privet Drive.
The Superintendent's tour ended just before lunch, leaving time for Harry and Hermione to privately discuss their security concerns with Wally. Hermione stated her intent to develop an anti-apparation field large enough to encompass the Castle, but noted that public access within parts of the Castle would still be an issue. Harry agreed, pointing out that a Death Eater's wand wouldn't trip a metal detector, and that wacky clothing couldn't be trusted as a tell-tale indicator of magical ability. Wally asked if there was some sort of magical equivalent of a metal detector to identify magical devices. Harry mentioned the Sneakoscope, but said that it probably wouldn't be focused enough to pick one wizard out of a crowd. He promised Wally that he'd have Fred and George look into the matter.
Wally then asked about protection wards for the Round Tower itself. He recognized the need to keep the general muggle population out of the tower, but worried that muggle repellent charms would be too obvious, and keep c-mugs like him from entering. He suggested that a muggle electronic entry system might work, but Harry, recalling Slughorn's pre-Hogwarts accommodations, thought that they might be too easy for a wizard to disarm. As usual, it was Hermione that thought of a practical solution…a security ward that was keyed for only certain individuals to pass, combined with a dummy key card device that an authorized visitor would go through the motions of activating.
Harry and Hermione next told Wally about the Daily Prophet article that had identified him as Queen's Wizard. Now that this knowledge was out within the wizarding world, Harry was afraid that the Castle would become a Death Eater target. He mentioned that the Prince had described some secret escape routes within the castle, and asked him to find out more about these passageways. They then discussed how the Castle should be defended from physical attack. Wally noted that there was an army barracks a mile away from the castle with troops nominally designated for castle defense, but noted that there weren't any c-mugs within those ranks. While MI-5 ¾ could easily plant a few of its agents within the Castle's security team, they agreed that the Castle defenses should be no less robust than Privet Drive's. Harry and Hermione decided to raise this issue the next time that they met with the Prince or Queen.
After lunch Harry and Hermione met with the Royal Art Curator to discuss Round Tower interior design. The Curator told them that the Castle had a large supply of antique furniture, carpeting and wall hangings that they could pick and choose from, and led them to a basement-level storage area underneath the State Apartments. Along the way, the curator tried to manage expectations, noting that within their inventories "modern" was used to describe anything made after the eighteenth century. Hermione surprised the curator when she replied that Harry and she had lived in a castle that lacked electrical service for most of the past six years, and would therefore be quite comfortable with even the simplest of accommodations. Encouraged by this response, the curator helped Harry and Hermione select several pieces of antique furniture and oriental rugs that would have been right at home within the Gryffindor common room. They also picked out large armoires and cabinets for the dressing room, and a four-poster bed, two desks and matching chairs for their bed chamber. Harry and Hermione then asked that her parents be allowed to similarly furnish the ground level living quarters.
With furniture and floors covered, the Curator took them to a fireproof climate-controlled storage room that housed a small portion of the royal art collection. Hermione was thrilled when told that they could decorate the Round Tower's walls with any of the stored works. Again, the curator tried to manage expectations by noting that all of the Rembrandt's were already hanging on royal walls. With more than a thousand pieces to choose from, Hermione asked to use the Collection's e-gallery to narrow the field, while Harry asked if artwork had historically hung on the Round Tower's walls. While the Curator excused herself to research that question, Harry and Hermione clicked through the e-gallery, cross-referencing possibilities against a list of works currently on display.
"So what are we looking for?" Harry asked.
"Wizards," Hermione replied, "or, at least, something that might have been painted by a wizard."
"Why?"
"Because I'm curious," Hermione replied with a tad of defensiveness. "And because you never know what a magical painting might be able to tell you."
"Oh….erm…Hermione, wouldn't you think one of the muggles around here would have noticed a magical painting?"
"Not if it was dormant," Hermione replied.
Harry confessed his ignorance on the topic of sleeping magical paintings, which prompted Hermione to dive into a lecture based, of course, on the material that Harry should have known had he ever bothered to read Hogwarts, A History. Had he been taking notes, Harry's short version of the presentation would have read: "Paintings need magic to stay alive. Wizard artists paint magical pictures of food, and the portraits "eat" this magical food. No magical food = no energy = paintings become dormant."
"How will we know if a painting is magical if it's dormant?" Harry asked.
"Well, without a magical still life to offer as a meal, we have to make some educated guesses, then zap each potential painting with a magical spell. That would probably provide enough energy for a portrait to at least stretch its legs."
"But why would a wizard artist paint pictures for a muggle king or queen?" Harry asked.
"Because they were the ones with the money," Hermione simply replied. "And it's always possible that the Royal Family purchased a magical painting that had long gone dormant."
It took Hermione just a few minutes to search through the computer database, arriving at a list of twenty different paintings similar in style to those hanging in Hogwarts. With Harry keeping watch for the Curator, Hermione retrieved these works using several variations of "Accio Portrait of Burkhard von Speyer". She was disappointed that after magical transport none of the paintings gave signs of being magical, though they were all marvelous to look at. With the Curator still out of the room, Hermione decided to goose the paintings with some additional magic, and cast levitation spells. Again, none of the portraits moved, though Hermione though she might have seen an eyelash flutter in Portrait of a Young Man by Giovanni Bellini. She set that work aside, along with a similarly titled work called Portrait of a Man, (not because it appeared magical, but just because she liked it.)
Harry helped Hermione return the other paintings to their cubby holes, finishing just before the curator returned the room. She first complemented Hermione on her selections, and promised to have them brought to the tower along with the furniture. The Curator then told Harry that she had located a journal account that described Round Tower wall hangings during the Eighteenth Century, but that none of these works were within the collection's database. She thought it possible that this artwork had remained in the tower, and had been stored with the other material that Harry and Hermione had helped remove from the Tower's addition. They asked for and received permission to poke though these storage boxes.
Harry and Hermione spent a half-hour opening boxes and banishing dust-bunnies as they rummaged through the Tower's past. They found swords and halberds and battle-axes, copper plates and goblets, moldy bedding and, finally, a box of unframed art. Having been trusted to work alone within the storage room, Harry unrolled each piece and used sticking charms to hang them up against a wall for closer display.
There were eleven different works, covering a variety of styles, media, and (frankly) skill levels. They ranged in size from an eight-by-twelve-inch piece of paper to a wall-sized tapestry eight feet long and ten-feet wide.
"Interesting," Harry said with a wide grin, "Now this…this lot I could see hanging on our walls…what do you think, dear?"
It took Hermione all of three seconds to determine the unifying theme that had turned Harry into an art lover. Whether woven or painted, Baroque or Byzantine, intimate in detail or grand in scale, they all had one thing in common:
Naked ladies.
All artfully posed, mind you, but naked nonetheless.
"Oh, honestly, Harry!" Hermione said with a bit of disgust. "I'd have expected that response from any one of the Weasley boys, but from you?"
Harry looked at her with mock indignation. "Ah, the perils of being a patron of the arts."
He laughed as Hermione scowled. "Ah, come on, Hermione, don't you get it? This stuff was hanging in a guard house full of soldiers…not much different than some bloke having a page from a girly magazine hanging in his locker."
"And your point is?"
"Erm, don't have one, I guess," Harry replied with a grin. "Just thought we ought to check if any of these were magical…since there have been wizards in the tower, you never know…."
"You never know how in touch they were with their inner perv?"
"Now Hermione, you were the one that said a magical painting might tell us something valuable."
"Yes, yes, I get the point," Hermione replied with exasperation. "But your sticking charms were magical and nothing happened."
"Well your painting needed an extra boost before you thought you saw fluttering eyelashes, right?"
Hermione reluctantly agreed and cancelled all of the sticking charms. The artwork fell to the floor in a heap. She then used the same levitation spell that had been placed on the other artwork.
"Hey, I saw that," Harry exclaimed excitedly, "that one there…she wiggled her bum a bit…you saw that, didn't you?"
It took most of Hermione's willpower to reply truthfully.
"Yeah, yeah, I did," she muttered, pointing towards a painting depicting a group frolicking nude within a mountain spring. "Would have to be the one with the most women in it, wouldn't it?"
Harry grinned. "Why don't we goose them with some more magic…we want to be sure, right?"
Hermione shook her head with resignation, and then joined Harry in shooting a variety of harmless magical spells at the painting. After a thirty second barrage the painting's spring began to flow and all nine of the bathers began to move in a series of wiggles, winks and grins. One figure, wearing a crown of roses in her hair, fixed her eyes on Harry and began to bend and stretch in ways that rendered useless the tree branches and leaves that had been strategically placed by the artist for modesty purposes.
Hermione put hands on hips and scowled a bit at the figures within the painting. "You do know that you're all pushing your luck, don't you?" Focusing on the one that had taken interest in Harry she said, "Let me guess, your name is Erato, right?" When the figure nodded her head regally Harry asked how she knew the figure's name. Hermione pointed towards a pile of clothing and objects by the water's edge.
"Those robes are Ancient Greek in design," she replied, "as are the lyre, the flute, and the masks used by actors in Greek tragedies and comedies. Each of those objects are historically associated with one of the Nine Muses, and, well, there's nine women there, isn't there?"
Harry replied, "So how did you guess this muse was named Erato?"
"She's the muse that inspires poets to write erotica."
"Oh…well I certainly see how she could be inspirational."
"Get your mind out of the painting, Potter," Hermione chided.
"Erm, yes…dear?" Harry replied, with a somewhat guilty-looking expression.
Hermione sighed as she stepped towards the canvas and address the figures. "Alright, ladies, bath time is over, if you have any interest in hanging within a magical household again."
Though the muses lacked enough magical energy to verbalize a reply, the fact all stepped out of the water and started to get dressed indicated that Hermione had gotten her point across.
"Right then," Hermione said. "You'll need to strike a pose…we're going to have to show you to muggles. Behave, and I might just might arrange a magical meal for you…understand?"
The Muses nodded in agreement as they each grabbed their distinctive prop and arranged themselves in the poses and positions originally given by their creator. Just to be safe, Hermione case a Finite Incantatum spell on the canvas before rolling it up.
The Curator was understandably excited about Harry and Hermione's discovery. As one of the foremost art experts in Europe, she was able to identify the artists for almost all of the works. That she knew nothing about the bathing muse painting beyond it's Italian Renaissance style didn't dampen her enthusiasm; she labeled it a masterpiece upon inspection. A bit embarrassed that such a magnificent work had been allowed to fester in non-archival quality storage under her watch, she was amazed that her careful inspection found no evidence of damage. Harry and Hermione told her that her secret was safe with them, and that they'd take good care of the painting while she looked into the painting's provenance. With that convenient arrangement reached, the grateful Curator told Harry and Hermione that after obtaining an electronic image of the painting she would frame it herself and deliver it to the Round Tower.
As they walked back towards the Round Tower, Harry apologized for acting his age in front of Erato. Hermione cocked her head slightly, and then took his arm and smiled. "You're forgiven, but only because I've seen that lustful look on your face before."
Harry furrowed his eyebrows. "You mean some time that Fleur was around?"
"No, silly," Hermione replied demurely, "I mean last night."
+++++++++++++
References
Charles Knight's "Guide to Windsor" provides a detailed description of the Round Tower circa 1811 (i.e. before Wyatville's comprehensive castle makeover in the 1820's).
The Nine Muses painting I describe is fictional, so don't go looking for it in the e-gallery. My ideas on the magic behind magical paintings are explored in more detail in a separate fanfic, "Portrait of a Wizard as a Young Man." Young readers should mind the rating difference.