A/N: So here it is... It's definitely not the best... But I don't think it's the worst either... It's not very long, though, but I know exactly where the next chapter is heading so it should be out in no time. So sorry for all the wait, but I promise that I haven't forgotten about you all! I'm just very, very busy... So hang in there with me and we'll get to the end eventually!
Harry
Chapter Sixteen:
Breathing
"I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back into the arms of grace
"I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's all right, all right with me
'Cause I want nothing more
Than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
It's where I want to be
"I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And I'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these callouses off of me one more time...
"I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now..."
'Breathing'
-Lifehouse
Hermione is finally sleeping.
We sat here for an hour before she finally gave into the sleep that she denied needing. She's resting her head on the wall behind us and James is curled up in the chair at the end of the row. He's changed completely now. A mop of messy black hair falls over his eyes and he crinkles his nose like Hermione does when she sleeps.
Hermione sighs and lays her head on my shoulder. A twig of her hair escapes the messy ponytail and falls across her nose. I push it away with my finger and-
"So!" Ron storms into the waiting room.
Hermione and James jump out of their sleep.
"So, this is what I get!" As Ron approaches us, his entire face seems to turn the same colour red as his hair.
Hermione stands calmly and takes a step towards him. "You've been smoking."
"What does that have to do with anything, Hermione?"
"Let's go outside." She takes his arm and leads him toward the door. "Harry, please keep an eye on James..."
I nod and watch as she leads him through the door and into the damp night.
James sits up and blinks sleepily. "I'm named after you, you know."
I nod. "Yes, James... Yes, you are," I say quietly, picking at my thumbnail.
"They haven't done that in a long time..." he says after a minute.
"Who... done what?"
"My mum and dad... Fighting like that... They haven't fought in a long time." He picks at his thumbnail.
"They used to?"
He nods. "When I was little, I used to stay up and listen to them fight... They used to fight on my birthday and on their anniversary. It was tradition. They'd send me up to bed and then go back downstairs and fight."
"Oh..." I sit, stunned. "Well, do you know what they fought about?"
He nods and raises his green eyes to me. "You."
"Do you know why they fought?"
He shakes his head. "No... But... I think my mum loved you and dad didn't like it very much. He's very jealous. Mum says that's where I get it."
It hurts me to be talking to my son and knowing that he doesn't know...
"My earliest memory is of my mum tucking me into bed," he states simply. "She smells like-"
"Vanilla..." I say softly.
"Yeah!" He exclaims. "How did you know that?"
"Well..." I sigh. How much does he know about me? "You did know that your mum, dad, and I were friends when we were in Hogwarts, right?"
"Of course!" he nods. "Everyone knows that!"
"Well," I being slowly. "Your mum and I were a kind of special friends-"
"Have you kissed my mum?" He wrinkles his nose and looks up at me.
I nod. "Yes, I have."
"Eww... Girls are gross!"
I tousle his hair. "You won't always think that."
He smiles up at me as Ron and Hermione come back inside. Ron sits across from James and puts his head in his hands. Hermione turns her head to the side to hide her red eyes and nose and ducks into the toilet.
James tugs on my sleeve and motions for me to bend down. "I wish that you were my dad, Harry Potter..." he whispers.
My heart sinks. "Me, too, James..."
Luna steps into the room. "Harry... He's awake and asking for you... "
I nod. "James, sit out here with your dad, all right? Your mum won't be much longer."
He grins up at me and I follow Luna into Dumbledore's room.
It's dark, only illuminated only by the steady blue flash of light that serves as the heart monitor. "Yes, Professor?"
"Sit down, Harry. I have much to explain."
He looks so frail and weak underneath the bed clothes that I don't feel as if I'm talking to one of the most powerful wizards to have ever lived. I suddenly feel like I need to apologize. "I'm sorry, Professor, I-"
"I have asked you numerous times to call me Albus, Harry and there is no need for an apology. I truly brought this upon myself. Minerva and Poppy have been telling me for years that I'm far too old to be doing this and I see now that they were right... I am being kept alive by one of Miss Lovegood's sustenance charms therefore my time with you is limited. After our conversation, I will ask her to sever the charm and I will begin life's next and perhaps, greatest journey," he smiles up at me.
"You mean..."
He laughs. "I am going to, as the Muggles say, 'pull the plug'. I've had a full life, Harry... I'm tired of being here. I want to see what's next. Now, onto the matters of business that I called you in here to discuss. I know you feel very betrayed, but, Harry, please try to understand where I was coming from. I only wanted what was best for the wizarding world, and, at that time, I felt that pushing you toward the final battle would be for the best, but I will be the first to admit that I was mistaken."
"You mean you were being selfish?" I supply acidly.
He nods. "Yes... I did get a bit carried away."
"Tell me this... Why did you let Hermione marry Ron when you knew that I was alive? Why didn't you tell her? What happened to my letters?"
"I neglected to tell her because I didn't want her to have false hope."
"What?" That is possibly the worst answer he could have given me.
"Again, I was wrong... I didn't want her to have to deal with the stigma of being an unmarried mother in our society. And especially since it was your baby... Can you imagine? Even if you had defeated Voldemort, there would always be the Death Eater that got away. Had James been raised as Harry Potter's son, he probably would not have lasted this long. Another situation I considered was what if you hadn't defeated Voldemort but died trying. Voldemort would still be on the loose and gaining power. I thought about using your son... Can you imagine the possibilities? Harry Potter and Hermione Granger's son... James is immensely talented already."
"Then that explains that scene in your office..." Slowly, everything is coming together. "James shares Hermione's and my power... Which means that he shares a bit of Voldemort's powers also... Is James a Parslemouth?"
Albus shakes his white head. "We don't know yet. The opportunity has never presented itself." He chuckles. "I expected you to be a bit more upset with me, Harry."
"How can I be upset with a man who is about to die? I am very disappointed, though..."
"About those letters... All of them are in a box in my office in the cabinet with my Pensieve. And if, after tonight, you still seek answers, you may peruse my Pensieve to your heart's content. I shall never hear of it. Now, if you don't have any more questions..."
"Just one, Professor."
"Yes, Harry?"
"May I step outside and get Hermione and Ron? They need to be here too..."
He nods. "Of course. But do hurry. I'm dreaming of a land where you can never have too many woolen socks..."
I stand and step out into the waiting room. "Hermione, Ron... Dumbledore is having Luna sever his sustenance charm and he wants us all to be there."
Hermione nods. "James, sit right there and wait, all right?"
"Of course, Mummy..."
Hermione and Ron follow me into Dumbledore's room. Hermione sinks into the chair beside his bed. "Thank you, Professor..." she whispers, gently stroking his hand and I can see the tears forming in her eyes.
"Don't be sad for me!" he says jovially. "Merlin and I will be able to have very meaningful conversations! And I'll still be watching over you all... In my own way... Now, if you please, Miss Lovegood... Life does bore me... See you in the hereafter!" He takes in a deep breath and nods to Luna.
With a quavering hand, she mutters the spell to stop the charm and we watch as the blue flashes come farther and farther apart... Hermione is weeping silently and Ron stands behind her with his arms crossed staring at Professor Dumbledore.
The light flashes one last time and we are plunged into a world of darkness.
***
1 December
Dearest Hermione,
We buried Alastor Moody today. I think it shocked us all. It reminded us that we're not invincible and that someday we could all just as easily end up dead. I don't want to think like that Hermione... Please tell me that there's still some good left in the world...
Sometimes I just want to throw myself in front of Voldemort and let him fire unforgiveables at me... I don't even care anymore... If it weren't for you, Hermione, I might not be alive right now... Can you imagine that? Sometimes I wish that you would write me back... But I'm sure you're too busy to ever think about me, right, Hermione?
How is Ron? I miss him... Tell him that, will you please? Maybe I'll write him something when I'm done with this one... Yeah, that's what I'll do.
So have you thought any more about the children's names? I was thinking, what if we gave them all a 'J' middle name that way we could all have the same initials? Yeah, you're right... That would get confusing when it came time for school trunks... Well, then, what if we did it alphabetically? Harry James, Hermione Kae, Harriette Laura, Hermes Mitchell, Heather Nicole, Howie Othello, Hayley Paige, Harvey Quinton and Harley Rae. I think that would work, don't you? Or we could just number them, I suppose...
Anyway, if I'm going to write Ron then I better. Please see that he gets it.
I love you.
All my love always,
Harry
Dear Ron,
How are you, mate? I'm writing to you because I want you to promise me something. I want you to promise me that if anything happens to me out here you'll keep Hermione safe. Go to any means necessary (unless you have to marry her or something idiotic like that) to protect her. For some reason, I keep getting the sinking feeling that something is wrong.
We buried Alastor Moody today, Ron, and that got me thinking... I think that I've finally realised that I'm probably going to die out here. Don't tell Hermione that... It would just scare her, and Merlin knows that's the last thing that I want to do right now. See, I can tell you this stuff, Ron, because we're mates. I can trust you... I can trust you to take care of Hermione without being tempted by her... And I trust her. I trust both of you. I feel like you'll come through this all right... I only wish that I felt the same way for myself... I don't know why I all of a sudden feel so strangely... It's just a very surreal feeling. I almost feel like I'm walking through a very dense fog with no light.
Protect her, Ron. If you don't, I will find out. And if I find out, I will tear you limb from limb and feed you to Remus at the next full moon. No, I'm just kidding (about the feeding you to Remus at the next full moon part, not about the tearing you limb from limb part... Or I could find someway to get rid of you if you think that's too messy... Anyway, I've said it before and I'll say it again... I trust you. You know that. That's why I left you to take care of her. When/if I get back, I'll make sure she's taken care of, but I don't like being out here and not knowing...
Anyway, before I start rambling and going on and on about the same thing over and over again, which the healer says is perfectly normal for such a traumatic head wound, (don't tell Hermione that, especially... That would upset her.) though, so, I'm not too worried.
Goodbye, Ron.
Take care of her.
I mean it, Ron.
Take care of her.
No matter what.
Harry.