All right... Well, here you are. Man, I can't believe it's been four months since I posted on this. I'm so sorry, but graduation and end of school activities swamped me. Then over the summer when I'm supposed to have endless time to write, I catch mono and get ordered to stay in bed for two weeks. But, after I convinced my mother that I was well enough to not sleep 15 hours a day, she gave me a notebook and told me to write away so y'all get this. Now, I'm here to tell you that's it's not the best, but I don't think it's the worst either. However, you can be the judge of that. And you actually get a cookie crumble from the next chapter because it's kind of written at the moment. Oh, and I'm well aware that as of Saturday, July 16, 2005 this story has become grossly AU, but that's all right, because I started this last summer before I knew so anyway... Here is Chapter 17. Do enjoy.
~Hermione~
Chapter Seventeen:
Beautiful Disaster
"He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with more damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take..."
'Beautiful Disaster'
-Kelly Clarkson
Two hours later, I'm sitting in the floor of Dumbledore's office sifting through a box of letters each addressed to me. "I don't believe this," I say quietly, rubbing my eyes. "I just can't see how he could do this to us..."
Harry shrugs and sinks to the floor beside me. "I don't know... But I never knew why Dumbledore did a lot of the things he did..."
We sit in an uncomfortable silence. "Look," I finally say. "I know that I've been... Well, let's just say that I would completely understand if you never wanted to speak to me again... I mean, I've not been particularly pleasant since you returned. But I won't make excuses. I won't try to blame Dumbledore or Ron..." I can feel the lump rising in my throat. "Because it's my fault. Nobody's but mine. And I accept full responsibility for my actions over the last week. The money, everything." I'm crying freely now and am surprised to find that I don't care.
Harry nods and clears his throat. "Well, I won't argue with you. You did seem to enjoy 'Pick-on-Harry' week... But I understand. I think that it's just as much my fault as it is yours. I should have tried harder to contact you. I shouldn't have waited so long to come back. I-"
"Where were you?" I interrupt. "I mean, after Voldemort. Where did you go?"
Harry sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "I went... Well, I went everywhere really. I was in the States most of the time finding the American equivalent to the Death Eaters. I went to Russia and China... I was in Australia for a while. I was just everywhere. I never stopped thinking about you, though."
I hug my knees to my chest. "And you had contact with DUmbledore the entire time?"
"No. We lost touch after the final battle with Voldemort."
"Oh."
His eyes land on James, who is curled up in a chair, his glasses askew and his dark hair sticking up in every direction. Harry sighs. "I wish I'd known..."
I nod. "Me too."
"You know," he says, turning to me, "I don't expect you to leave Ron for me, Hermione. I can see that you two are happy in your relationship... And I really don't want that on my karma."
I half-smile. "That's very noble of you," I say truthfully.
"But, erm..." He clears his throat. "I would like to know James. He can know me as an old friend or... I don't care, but I want to know my son."
I watch James sleeping. "We... I had always planned on telling him. The spell only works until he comes of age. I was going to tell him when he was ready."
"He seems like an amazing child," Harry says, and the way he says it almost breaks my heart. I can't stand to hear that trace of longing in his voice.
I nod. "He is... And he deserves to know that he has an amazing father."
Harry looks up at me and I see tears welling up in his eyes. "Thank you," he says quietly.
I practically tackle him. Before I know it, we're holding onto one another for dear life and crying. This is the most physical contact we've had since he left and as I realise it, I feel myself dissolve into him. Suddenly, all of this just feels right. Suddenly, I want nothing more than to feel his arms around me and to just know that everything will be all right.
I hear his voice in my ear; "What are you thinking about, Hermione?"
I pull away from him. "I'd forgotten what you felt like. I... I'd forgotten how you smelled... I'd forgotten what you were and how I felt when I'm with you. I'm... I'm still in love with you."
He shakes his head. "No... No, you're not. You're just letting your emotions run away with you. You're in love with Ron."
I nod. "I know. I love him too." I can't bring myself to look at him after my outburst. I sigh. "I... I'm sor-"
"No," he cuts me off. "Don't worry about it. I know. But maybe..." He nods. "It's fate. Maybe in another time and place. If we were meant to be together, we'd be together."
"Fate brought us here, huh?" I question him, shrugging.
"It just wasn't in the stars," he adds.
"Harry, I hated Divination, remember? I think it was the only thing I ever quit in my life."
He laughs. "Just because you couldn't learn it from a book."
I smile. "You're probably right."
He studies my face. "I really missed you, Hermione. I'm not half as smart without you." We laugh. "Hey," he says suddenly. "Are you hungry?"
I nod. "Yeah, a little."
"Me, too. I'm going to go see what the house elves can round up. I'll be right back."
I watch as he exits the office and I pull my knees to my chest, resting my chin on them. I sigh happily. Harry and I have had a rebirth.
"Mum?" James is awake.
"Hey, sleepy," I greet him. "Did you sleep well?"
He nods and I watch as he wanders around the room taking in the portraits of the previous headmasters. He comes to the end and stop, staring in awe. Then I realise that he's staring into a mirror and it's the first time he's seen himself since he changed fully. I can see the questions on his face... Ready or not...
"Mum?" he says quietly, fingering his hair.
"Yes, James?" I stand up and cross over to him.
"Erm..." He touches his glasses and turns to face me. "This is kind of weird but... Is Ron really my dad... Or is it Harry?"
"James," I lead him to a chair. "Now, I don't expect you to understand all of this right now... And you're eight years old, there's no reason you should have to-"
"Mum... Just tell me."
I rub my eyes and sigh. "Ron will always be your dad, but... Biologically, Harry is your father."
He nods. "When I was smaller, I used to wish and wish that Harry Potter was my dad... I just never knew how close to right I came. Erm... Well, why... Does he not love me like you and Dad-Ron do?"
I pull my son to me. "James... He... That's a story for when you're a bit older... But he loves you very much and he really wants to spend time with you... That is, if you want him to..."
James pushes away from me and nods enthusiastically. "Of course! I told you, Mum, I love Harry Potter! And... He told me that you used to kiss him..."
I laugh. "Yes, I did."
"Well, then, do you love him, too?"
I close my eyes and sigh. "I think so."
***
"Listen, Hermione," Professor McGonagall is saying to me. "You just have to bear down and push the baby out."
I can feel the hot tears coursing down my face. "I can't!" I wail. "It hurts too badly!"
"Hermione," she says sternly. "unless you can get past the pain, we're going to be here for a very long time. Tell her, Poppy."
Madame Pomfrey nods. "You're so close and you've done so well this far. Come on, Hermione, it's just another big push and there it is. Come on."
I whimper. "How long have we been here?"
"Thirty-eight hours," Ron says sleepily from my side. "Come on, Herms... Just do this so we can all relax."
"Yeah?" I ask him.
He nods. "Yeah."
"All right..." I sit up and allow them to coach me through the next contraction and before I know it, a little pink mess is laying in my arms screaming at the top of its lungs.
Professor McGonagall sinks onto the bed beside me and wipes her brow.
Madam Pomfrey sighs. "Date of birth, March 4. Time of birth, 11:23 pm." She smiles at me. "It's a boy, Hermione. Wonderful job."
I laugh and stare at the little thing in my arms that has quit screaming and opened his eyes to stare at me. He has a messy mop of dark hair and his eyes are blue now but-
"They'll probably turn green before long," Madame Pomfrey smiles at me. "What are you naming him?"
"I... I don't know... I hadn't even thought about it..." I just want to look at him. I count his fingers and toes... "He's... He's perfect."
Ron stands behind me. "Well... He has your nose, 'Mione..."
I stifle a sob. "Yeah... He looks just like Harry..."
Ron nods. "That he does... So what about it, Hermione? He's got to have a name."
"Harry," I say the first thing that comes to mind. "We'll name him Harry James after his father for honour. But let's call him James... Harry would be too hurtful."
Professor McGonagall nods. "I think that would be lovely."
"Well," Madame Pomfrey says quietly. "I think we should leave you three alone for a minute." She and Professor McGonagall smile at me and disappear into the entrance hall.
"Well?" I ask Ron.
He nods. "You did well. It... He's perfect, Hermione."
I smile. "Oh... I don't know what I would do without you, Ron. You're like my guardian angel."
He shrugs. "Can I hold him?"
"Sure." I hand the tiny thing to Ron and watch as his eyes light up when his arms are full of baby and blanket.
"Hi..." he says quietly to him. "I'm... I'm Ron... I'm your godfather and I just want you to know, that if you ever need anything to let me know because I'm... Well, I'm here for you." James chooses this moment to begin crying again. "What did I do?" Ron holds James at arm's length. "What's wrong with him?"
I laugh. "I think he's hungry. Hand him to me and I'll feed him." I hold my arms out.
Ron lays James in my arms and looks genuinely frightened.
"It's okay..." I reassure him. "He's just like you and gets cranky when he doesn't get food. He'll be okay now."
He kisses my forehead. "You've never looked more beautiful than you do right now, Hermione, and I mean that in the nicest way possible."
I scoff. "Right, my hair hasn't been combed in almost two days, I'm sweaty and not to mention, I still have to lose my baby weight."
He shakes his head. "I don't care. You look amazing with him. It's incredible. I just... I want you to know that I will take care of James like he was my own and I... Well, I'll always be here for the two of you."
I smile at him. "I know. That's one of the reasons I married you."
TEASER
She folds her hands on her lap. "Aren't you going to ask me what happened?"
I shrug. "I figured you'd tell me if you wanted me to know..." I'll never admit that I'm afraid of what might have happened between her and Harry.