A/N: All right... Thanks to everyone who reviewed! (I got about half of what I had last time. Come on people! I'm just kdding. :D) Yeah, anyway, erm... For those of you that hate Ron and Hermione, be relieved. This is a Harry chapter. *WoOt* So, read and enjoy and review! (Pleeeeeeeease?) Much thanks. ;)
~~ Harry ~~
Chapter 6:
Changes
"I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move, but I'm exhausted and nobody understands
I'm trying hard to breath now, but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to, and the pain inside is making me numb
I try to hold this under control
They can't help me
'Cause nobody knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world
I try to hold this under control
They can't help me
'Cause no one knows
Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes
I'm running, shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it
Through all these changes"
'Changes'
-3 Doors Down
I lazily push my fork around in the long ruined shepherd's pie and take another drink of Firewhiskey. I've been sitting here, drinking, staring at my hands for the last two hours, just soaking in everything that Ron said to me earlier. What did you expect us to do, clap you on the back and say 'Welcome home, mate?'
And I guess in some strange way I did.
I look over to the darkest corner of the pub where Justin and Colin are sitting with their heads together, talking quietly. What else don't I know about this new life? What else has changed since I alienated myself from the only home I ever knew... Speaking of home... The Burrow! I haven't seen Arthur since... Well, since last night... But we didn't get to talk then. I think I'll swing by there and see how they're doing.
I throw my money on the table and sweep out of The Snitch into the Apparating Alley.
The Burrow spins into focus and I knock on the door. Molly opens it and gasps. "Oh, Harry!" She sweeps me into a bone crushing hug. "I was wondering when you would be stopping by!" She pushes me away quite suddenly. "Harry! Where in bloody hell have you been all these years? Oh..." She smiles. "Never mind that!" She hugs me again, and, I swear, just broke three ribs. "You're home now! Oh!" She gives me one last squeeze and leads me over to the table. "Are you hungry? Oh, dear, you look so thin! Haven't you eaten over the last eight years?"
I shrug. "I was always small for my age, Molly."
She waves her wand and potatoes start peeling themselves. "I was just about to start dinner for Arthur and myself when-"
"Grandma!" The door flies open and in walk Ginny, Draco Malfoy, and a small, red-headed boy. "Grandma! Guess what!"
"Malfoy..." I hiss, standing.
Ginny pats me on the shoulder. "We call him Draco since he's going to be part of the family soon..." She grins wickedly at me.
Damn it... I forgot about them being engaged. But... That means... Poor Ron. Draco will be his brother-in-law.
Whoa. Hold up. Stop. Poor Ron? Poor Ron? Poor Ron my arse! He married Hermione. Let him have all the evil brothers-in-law he can stand! But... I do feel bad about the party last night. "Hey, about last night, Gin," I sigh. "I'm sorry for... hijacking your engagement party. I just wanted to come back at a time when I thought the spotlight might not be on me for a change."
She laughs. "It's fine, Harry, and I hate to break it to you, but there's never going to be a time when the spotlight's not on you. You're Harry Potter. You're The-Boy-Who-Lived!"
I nod. "Yeah... Don't remind me..." The little boy is jabbering excitedly to Molly. "Erm... Ginnny..." I mutter into her ear. "I didn't know you and Draco had kids..."
She scoffs. "Oh, he's not mine. I'm his aunt!"
"Uncle Draco let me get sprinkles!" The boy exclaims as Molly removes his snow covered garments. "The rainbow kind! Dad never lets me get sprinkles..." He purses his lips and thinks. "Mum says it's because he's cheap." The Boy sweeps his eyes over the kitchen and I see them land on me. He tilts his head to the side and walks over to me. He looks up at me and stares for a second before he speaks. "Who are you?" he asks, brightly.
Okay... I wasn't expecting this. This is definitely new. Someone who doesn't know who I am? Wow... "Erm... I'm Harry."
"Oh." He stares straight at me. "Harry who?"
I shove my hands in my pocket. It's sad that a six-year-old can make me nervous. "Err... Harry Potter."
A look of acknowledgment dawns on the child's face. "Ohh..." He nods. "I don't think my mum likes you very much."
What is this kid talking about? "Uhh... Sorry?" Excellent comeback, Potter. That'll really show him. I grab Ginny's arm and pull her over to me. "Gin, is there anything you might have forgotten to tell me?"
She stifles the laughter long enough to squeak out, "No... What did you have in mind?"
"Oh... You know... Maybe one of your brothers marrying Cho Chang."
Ginny laughs. "Cho? Look, I hate to break it to you, Harry, but she wasn't the only one who didn't like you."
"But... But... But..." I slump into my chair.
"Shut it, Potter!" Malfoy retorts from behind me. "Honestly, you sound like one of those Muggle motorboats. I'd best be getting off, love." I hear him kiss Ginny. "Molly..." See him hug Molly out of the corner of my eye. "Potter," he says, curtly, and there's a pop as he Disapparates.
Molly motions to the boy. "Ginny, why don't you take him on upstairs and get him ready for bed. I'll be up in a minute to tuck you in, dear."
"Okay, Grandma!" The Boy says, kisses Molly's cheek, and follows Ginny up the stairs. "Goodnight, Harry Potter!" He waves to me and climbs the stairs with Ginny at his heels.
"Lovely child..." I sigh.
"Ahh, well..." Molly serves the boiled potatoes and steak and kidney pie with a flick of her wand. "I expect Arthur and I, well, and his aunts and uncles have spoiled him. He's the eldest grandchild, you know."
"There are more?" I ask through a full mouth. I'm eaten almost half of what she gave me.
"Yes... Two younger than him," Molly says, her eyes full of pride. "Hilaree and Charlotte, Charlie's twins. They'll be two this summer."
I sigh contentedly. "I did miss your cooking these past years." I stand. "Thank you for dinner, Molly, I-"
She stands in front of me with her hands on her hips. "And just where do you think you're going?"
"Erm..." I point to the door. "Back to the Leaky Cauldron?"
She shakes her head. "It's absolute nonsense! You can stay here, of course! I don't know why you didn't come last night! It's not like we haven't got the room!" She lights a candle and leads me up the stairs to the room that Ron and I shared all of my summers here. "Well..." She hands me the candle. "You know where everything is, Harry, and if you need anything, well, don't be afraid to ask Ginny or me." She hugs me again. "Oh, it's good to have you back, Harry Potter."
I nod. "It's good to be back, Molly."
She winks at me and heads down the hall to what I guess to be The Boy's room. I can't put my finger on it, but something about the child seems strangely familiar... Something about the way he smiles and the way his red hair falls into his eyes. His sense of humor and the sense of logic that permeates from his young mind.
The realization hits me suddenly as Ginny walks past, flinging her hair off her shoulder. "Gin!" I call to her, running to the door.
"Yeah, Harry?" she asks, stopping in front of me.
"That little boy... What's his name?"
"James. Oh..." She looks like she wasn't supposed to tell me that.
"Is he... Is he... Ron and Hermione's?" I bite my lip, impatiently awaiting her answer.
Ginny sighs and I can see her fighting internally with herself. "Y... Yes," she whispers finally and takes the stairs two at a time on her descent.
* * *
27 July
Dearest Hermione,
This is a letter you will never read. I never intend for anyone to see it and since I can't send it to you, I'll just have to carry it around in my pocket until I come back. The only reason I'm writing a letter is to give my hands something to do. It's been murder this last month without you, love. I can't wait to go back home to you.
Things really aren't bad here. Well, not as bad as you might think. I can't tell you where we are in case this letter falls into the wrong hands. Just know that I am safe and that's all that matters. I hope you and Ron are well. Know that I never meant to hurt you by leaving, Hermione. You know I would have stayed... But I know you understand, so we'll not get into that.
Voldemort is running. He doesn't want to do battle yet. I wish he'd just grow a backbone (but that's kind of hard for a snake, isn't it?) and get it over with. I can see your face, dearest... You're smiling. I love it when you smile.
Strange... I keep talking about Voldemort or the War and always end up coming right back to you. Well, I think it's safe to say, Hermione Jane Granger, I am mad about you. There's never a time when I don't think about you. Never a night that I don't dream about you. Sometimes I swear that I can still taste you... Maybe it's just a cruel trick that my imagination is playing on me. Darling, I'll always remember your taste. You taste of rain and vanilla. Strange combination, I'll admit, but somehow it works for you, love.
Listen to how poetic I'm getting! I believe you have softened me! Now you're laughing. How I miss that laugh! Thinking back on our seven years together, I realize just how stupid I was to ignore all the signs. I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I knew I loved you in fifth year. In the Department of Mysteries. That bastard hit you with the curse... God, I'll never forget the look on your face as you sank to the ground with a hand on your cheek and your lips parted in that tiny 'O' of surprise. It felt like my heart was going to beat through my chest then, Hermione. And I knew that I couldn't live without you then. I knew that I'd die to protect you.
I knew in sixth year... When you dated Ron... I knew that I'd never have a chance. I knew that you loved him. So, when I saw the warning signs, I started looking for excuses. I couldn't get too close to anyone for fear of Voldemort discovering them. Then I knew at Christmas... Ron was going to visit Charlie with his parents and you were planning on going with him... But then you lied and said that you really needed to study for the N.E.W.T.'s. But you really stayed for me... And we almost had our first snog on the couch in the common room on Christmas Eve... But you... You were far too noble to do that to Ron. He'd been good to you, after all... Never done anything to hurt you. You couldn't betray him like that. But I knew then that you knew.
When he came back, you carried on for a while like nothing had happened. Then, one day, he came to me and asked me if I loved you.
Well, what was I supposed to do, 'Mione? Lie to him? Yeah, right...So I just told him. I told him everything I felt about you. Told him everything I'd ever even thought about. And do you know what he said, 'Mione? He said, 'You love her more than I ever could. And she loves you. She always has.' Wasn't that nice, Hermione?
Well, suffice it to say, I went running to the library and found you sitting there. I took your ink-stained, calloused hand and led you out to the beech tree by the lake. I could tell you were a little bit confused. But I didn't care. I just confessed everything. I didn't care if you thought I was completely nutters. I just wanted you. Do you remember what you did then? You just threw your arms around my neck and kissed me. That was our first kiss. We went from there. I knew it had to be hard for Ron, but after he and Luna started dating, I guess he really didn't mind all that much.
Then this past year... You were all that kept me going, love. You were my rock of Gibraltar. I never would have gotten through it all without you. All the late night chats in the common room. One of my favorite memories of you is the first time I woke up with you in my arms. You had your head buried into my shoulder and your arms wrapped around my chest. It almost seemed like we were made to fit together like that. Like our bodies were contoured to one another. It was amazing how you could throw your legs across my lap and nestle your head into my chest and we'd both be comfortable. Anyway, we must have been. We slept that way many times.
How I long for those days again, Hermione. You can't know how much I love you. In fact, I don't even think I know how much I love you. I've had a lot of time to think it over this past month, love. I think that we can't possibly feel how much we love the people we love because our bodies just can't handle it. If we felt all those feelings, we'd die. We couldn't survive knowing how much we love people. We become immune to it. Obviously, I know that I love you. I know that I want to be with you forever... But what constitutes that? How do I know that? There are some questions for 'Hermione-the-Great' to ponder and write essays about. I can see you grinning, love. Grinning through tears. Don't cry, darling. Please don't cry. It makes me want to be there even more.
I can't think of anything else to tell you, dear heart. So, do you remember primary school?
Harry loves Hermione.
Harry Potter loves Hermione Granger.
Harry James Potter loves Hermione Jane Granger.
I love Hermione.
I love her.
I love you.
Yeah... I like that last one. I love you... I love you... I love you... I love you.
With all my love always,
Harry