Well… I do want to apologize for it taking so long. I've actually had this chapter written for quite a while, just no computer to put it up with… But today is my birthday and I was given a laptop for it so, this shouldn't happen anymore. I really feel horrible for making you all wait so long (and I really regret all the flames… technical difficulties can't be helped, darlings). So, here's the last chapter. I really hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I would also advise you to reread from beginning to end (as I did) if time allows you. But anyway… Please enjoy!
Chapter 21:
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
"I have climbed the highest mountains
I have roamed through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have roamed
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for…"
'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'
--U2 or Damien Rice (I prefer the Damien Rice version)
My sister is married.
And to Draco Malfoy of all people.
It really was a beautiful service.
I tried to make myself watch… But, somehow, I just couldn't concentrate on what was going on. I kept sneaking looks at Hermione, who, with a contented smile on her face, kept glancing between James (to make sure he was behaving himself) and Harry. But the entire service made me nostalgic. Throughout the wedding, I kept thinking back to my times with Hermione. Our engagement announcement and honeymoon… James's birth and Hermione's depression in the months that followed. The first time I made love to her… My desperate pleas for more children… It's not the first time in the past few weeks that I've thought of happier moments, but it's definitely the first time I've replayed every kiss, every touch, every glance, and every word to myself. My entire life for the last eight years has been devoted to making her happy… But I guess that I never really succeeded. And I never really had a chance. I knew all along that there was only a tiny part of her that would ever belong to me. She had given her heart and soul to Harry long before he had to leave. I suppose Hermione said it best to Harry, 'We were both in love with other people.' She was still very much in love with a Harry that was gone and I was still very much in love with a Hermione that I would never have. By the time I pulled myself out of my reverie, Draco was kissing Ginny and they had been officially pronounced man and wife.
Neville catches me on the way toward the reception tent. "Well… What a week, huh?"
I nod. "What a week."
"Ron," he touches my shoulder. "I just wanted you to know that... Well, I'm here is you need someone to talk to."
"Thanks, Neville. I really appreciate it." But I think I'm okay…
After the cake cutting, Ginny dances with Draco and Dad, and I cross the floor to her. "I know that it's probably supposed to be Bill next, but I'm stealing you before he can."
She laughs and takes my arm. "He and Phlegm are more than like too busy fighting to notice."
I chuckle. "You look beautiful," I tell her as I lead her onto the floor.
Her eyebrows knit together. "Hey, you okay, brother dear?"
"Yeah," I reply quietly. "Who'd've thought that my marriage would be ending as your's began?"
She shakes her head. "Ron… I'm very sorry about you and Hermione."
I shrug. "I left her, Gin… I drew up the divorce papers… I can't feel sorry for myself. But this is your wedding," I smile at her, "and I shouldn't be bringing down the mood for everyone. Congratulations, Gin… I hope he makes you very happy." I kiss her cheek.
"He will," she reassures me.
I lean close to her ear. "But if he doesn't, tell him I know and excellent transfiguration spell." She narrows her eyes at me in question. "How do you feel about penguins, Gin?"
She laughs as Fred and George approach on either side of her and extend their arms at the same time. "I think that's my cue, Gin," I smile, walk over to a bench on the edge of the dance floor and sit quietly to just watch. James has one of Charlie's twins, Hilaree, I think, and is twirling her around and around. Morgan and Charlie are swaying so slowly, they're almost stationary; a fine example of two people who are still very much in love. Mum has Charlotte asleep in her lap and she sits at a table, talking with Angelina and Katie, Fred's and George's dates. Even Bill and Fleur have set aside their differences long enough to make their way onto the floor and cling to one another.
Suddenly, I feel very alone here.
Harry and Hermione dance. Her head is nestled into the crook of his neck, a smile plays at the corner of her mouth, and her eyes are shut as they sway in place on the dance floor. His arms hold her body to his, and I realize for the first time that she's happy. And, truly, that's what I want; her happiness. Well, and a dance. As the music fades, I stand, cross over to the dance floor and tap Harry's shoulder. "May I?" I ask.
He nods, kisses her hand, and heads toward Ginny and Draco.
I offer my arms to Hermione. "A waltz, milady?"
She nods and takes my hand in hers. We dance in silence for a while before she speaks. "You know, I never really thanked you for what you did, Ron…" she mutteres against my shoulder.
I shrug. "You never really had to."
"Well, thank you just the same."
Uncomfortable silence between us.
"So…" she says quietly.
"So…" I sigh. "Hermione… We need to talk about something."
She narrows her eyes, questioningly at me. "About what?"
"I need to tell you something." I take her by the hand and lead her off the floor toward the dimly lit fairy garden. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Harry watching her carefully. She gestures to tell him that she'll be right back and I see him nod and turn toward Mum. We sit on a bench, the dim light from the fairies reflecting off her hair. I notice that her cheeks are pink for the first time in a while.
She puts her hand on my knee. "Now, what did you need to talk to me about?"
I sigh. "I'm leaving for awhile."
She jerks away from me in awe. "What?" she exclaims. "Why would you want to do that?"
"Hermione, you and Harry need time together." I take a deep breath. "You and Harry and James need time together. And I need to get away and exorcise some demons."
"Why can't you do that here?" she asks, staring up at me.
"I need to deal with my internal demons. By getting away, I can let things settle down a bit… And I can finally get over you…"
"I suppose it is best to make a clean break…" she agrees.
I nod. "This is for the best, Hermione… For all of us."
"Well, I guess I can understand that." I can see her turning this bit of information over in her mind. "Where? Are you going, I mean?"
"Africa. Well, Egypt, actually. On Sabbatical. We've had reports of Dark Magic down there and I volunteered to go. To give you some space."
She places a hand on my arm. "Ron, you don't have to take care of me anymore."
"Yeah, actually, I do… I always will."
"When are you leaving?"
"In a week," I answer her.
She closes her eyes and rests her head on my shoulder… Just like she used to. "Ron, will things between you and Harry and me never be the same again?"
I shake my head slowly and take her hand in mine. "I don't know. I want them to be, but… We both loved you too much."
"There's someone out there for you, Ron…" she whispers against me.
I shrug. "I'm not really sure I want there to be. I really always knew that you and Harry were meant to be together. I… I'm sorry for the way I've treated you-"
She shakes her head and stares up into my eyes. "You've never treated my anything but wonderfully. It's really me that should be apologizing. I spent the better part of our marriage wishing you were someone else."
"I loved you too much to care about that," I admit. "I'm just happy that I got to have you at all." I wipe a tear off her cheek.
"I just want you to know… that James still loves you…"
I nod. "I know… And I'll always be around for the both of you."
She chuckles. "So, what do we do now?"
"Well," I sigh. "I think we adjust. It'll be easier for you with me gone…"
I watch her eyes fill with tears. "Ron…" She whispers.
"You're with who you should be with…" I stand, plant a kiss on her forehead and head back toward the party. It's not too soon to start distancing myself.
Harry runs up to me as soon as I get back to the tent. "Where's Hermione?" he asks in a panic.
"Over there." I jerk my head in the direction of the garden, and he goes to her. I cross over to the deserted drink table and pick up a cup full of butterbeer. I slosh it around in the glass without drinking it. Somehow I'm just not in the mood.
"It hurts, doesn't it?" says a voice from behind me.
I turn and see Luna Lovegood's huge eyes staring at me. "What hurts?"
She steps behind me. "Losing the one person you ever cared about to the one person you always wanted to be."
"I don't…" I run a hand through my hair. "I don't want to be Harry."
She nods. "I understand. I never really wanted to be Hermione, either."
I look down at her. "Really?"
She shakes her head. "No, I did… When the two of you were together…" She blinks away tears. "I tried everything in my power to make myself more like her. She takes a deep breath and sighs. "But… I guess we just weren't meant to be."
"My whole life's not meant to be…" I snort.
She grins. "Well, you're still here. Obviously, you haven't fulfilled your purpose yet."
"Purpose?"
She nods. "Before my mother died, she told me that everyone was put on earth for a purpose and it's impossible for someone to die before they've fulfilled that purpose."
I chew on my lip. "So, you believe she fulfilled her purpose…"
Luna shrugs. "She must have. Or she wouldn't have died so soon."
"How could I not know all of this about you?" I breathe.
"Maybe you never really listened before." She sets her empty glass on the table and heads toward Ginny.
"Luna?" I call after her.
She turns. "Yes, Ronald?"
"Erm…" I stammer. "Well… Would you… Would you like to dance… with me?" I motion to the dance floor.
She's silent a moment, then she nods and takes my arm. "I'd love to."
THE END