Well, here it is... Oh, man.... I'm so sorry that it took so long... I've been so busy, you have no idea. Thank you all so very much for your patience. We're almost through and what a relief it will be. Almost two years of my life have gone into this story and you all have helped make it what it is. Right now, we're looking at 21 chapters and we're beginning to wrap everything up, so I don't think it will take very much longer, but please don't quote me on that because I don't want to disappoint you at all. Anyway... Please enjoy this and reply and I'll get you the next chapter as soon as possible (although, I don't have any school this week so I may be able to finish it up soon...)
And if you haven't seen HP4 yet, OMG, what are you waiting for???? Oh, the bathtubby goodness...
Chapter Eighteen:
Listen to Your Heart
"And there are voices that want to be heard.
So much to mention but you can't find the words.
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind...."
"Listen to your heart when he's calling for you.
Listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do.
I don't know where you're going and I don't know why,
But listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye..."
'Listen to Your Heart'
--Roxette
"Hey," Hermione greets me as she pops into the kitchen.
I swallow my last gulp of Firewhiskey. "Hi. Is James still with Mum?" I stand and cross to the counter as Hermione sits in the chair opposite my spot at the table.
She nods. "Yes... I, erm... Well, Harry took him. He said that you and I probably had a lot to talk about."
"Oh... So, how did things go at the castle?"
She sighs. "Fine. We... erm... We sorted a lot out."
I open the cabinet and take out another glass, unscrew the top of the Firewhiskey, and fill both glasses. "Well, that's good..." I turn from the cabinet and offer her the Firewhiskey. "Drink this."
She takes it hesitantly and raises an eyebrow at me.
"I didn't spike it this time," I say quietly, settling back into my chair across from her. She stares incredulously at me. "Test it if you don't believe me."
She shakes her head. "No... I trust you." She picks up the glass, takes a dainty sip and coughs as it goes down.
"It's an acquired taste," I chuckle.
She nods and takes a slightly larger drink.
"Hermione, there's something I want to talk to you about."
"Okay." She takes another drink, emptying her glass. "Can I have some more?"
I nod and reach for her glass. "Sure."
She folds her hands on her lap. "You're going to ask me what happened at the castle, aren't you?"
I shrug. "I figured you'd tell me if you wanted me to know..." I'll never admit that I'm afraid of what might have happened between her and Harry.
"Well," she starts, "I think that you deserve to know. After all... You've been the one here with me for the last eight years."
I nod. "I... You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, Hermione."
"I do want to, though - thank you - Actually... You need to know."
I take my place. "All right... I'm listening."
"There were letters. Boxes and boxes of letters... to you... to me..."
"So he did write?"
"Yes, but only until he lost contact with Dumbledore after the final battle five years ago. Anyway, I read all of the letters and I asked Harry where he'd been." She stops.
"And?"
"He was making sure the world was safe for us. All he wanted was for us to have a fighting chance..." She sighs and I can see the tears pooling in her eyes. "James..."
"He's changed completely, irreversibly now hasn't he?"
She nods. "Yes... He... He saw himself for the first time tonight, Ron..."
I feel a horrible knot grow in my stomach. "He did?"
"Yeah... He... Well-"
"He knows, doesn't he?" I stare at the table.
"He... He asked me, Ron. He asked me about it..."
I shrug. "We always said we would tell him."
"Not until he was older though..."
I look at her. "What does he think about it?"
"He took it very well. I don't think he completely understands yet."
"He shouldn't have to."
"I know... But he does. He wants to know Harry as a father too, Ron..." She puts a hand on my arm. "He will always love you, Ron... And so will I..."
"What are you getting at, Hermione?"
"I just... I just want you to know that I'll never leave you for Harry. I wouldn't betray you like that."
"Yeah... That's what I wanted to talk to you about... Hermione..." I pour myself some more Firewhiskey.
"What?"
I gulp it and pour another. "This isn't exactly easy for me to say this to you, Hermione..."
"Then don't say it," she replies.
I shake my head. "You can't keep doing this, Hermione..."
She looks confused. "Doing... what?"
"We can't keep lying to ourselves like this."
"What are you talking about?"
I bite my lip and weigh my words. I know that this is what she needs to hear and I know that she'll be reluctant to admit to herself that she's relieved to hear them. I glance down at my hands and my eyes land on my wedding ring. "Go to him..." I pull it slowly off my finger and set it on the table. Her eyes almost kill me so I look away quickly. I can see the pain in them.
"What?"
"Go to him..." I am suddenly aware of the lump that's grown in my throat. "I'm not so thick, Hermione... I realise that you won't ever be happy with me..."
She shakes her head. "But I've been with you for eight years-"
"But now that he's back..." I stand and start pacing. "I can see it, Hermione. I can see that little glimmer of hope in your eyes... I can tell by the way you smile... I can hear it in your laugh and I know that you've dreamt about him... I can see that you want to be with him and no matter how much you tell yourself that you don't..." My voice breaks. "You do... I know that you think that you shouldn't want to feel what you do for him, but it's going to kill us both if we don't do something about this... I'll... feel bad losing you... But I'll feel worse knowing that I'm holding you back."
She's sitting at the table, crying freely, staring at me.
I kneel beside her chair. "You have the opportunity to go and live the life that you always dreamed of... I'll still be there for James and you whenever you need me." I kiss her hand.
"Ron..." She cups my cheek with her hand. "This isn't fair to you. I can't just... desert you. You've been everything to James and me forever... He... He's never known Harry as his father. I'm scared for him."
I shake my head. "No... You're scared for yourself, 'Mione... Just admit it. You'd have to follow your heart to be with him... You can't let your head rule your life... I didn't want it to come to this, but..." I wave my wand and my suitcases come flying down the stairs.
"What are you doing?" she asks, panic stricken.
I sigh. "If you won't leave, then I will."
She closes her eyes, nods a few times, and looks at me. "What are you-"
"I'm staying with Luna for awhile, just until things settle down. After Ginny and Draco's wedding, I'll move back to the Burrow. You and Harry can keep Number 12. It's rightfully yours anyway."
She runs and wraps me in a bone crushing hug. Then she turns her tearfilled eyes up at me and smiles. "Thank you..." she whispers.
I look down at her. "Live, Hermione... No one's watching."
* * *
I am woken at 3:07 am by James screaming at the top of his lungs. I swing my legs out of bed and start down the hall towards the nursery. As I pass Hermione's room, I poke my head in and watch her throw a pillow over her head. I know she hears him and I know she doesn't want to. I pull her door closed and step into the nursery. I scoop James up into my arms and he opens his wide green eyes at me. "Accio, milk," I mutter and sink into Hermione's rocking chair, catching the bottle that zooms toward me with an outstretched hand. I offer James the milk and as he eats, he stares up at me. I suddenly feel the need to talk to him as my best friend.
"Erm..." I clear my throat. "Hey, James... You know... I'm not your real dad but... He'd be here if he could be, I know it. He would never leave you and your mum by yourselves on purpose... He's too noble for that..."
He blinks understandingly.
"I know that you can't understand anything I'm saying to you... Come on, you're a baby... You're just three months old... But somehow... Oh, I don't know... I guess you're kind of like a channel to Harry... He's your dad and your namesake... James, I only hope that I can be like a father to you... Because... Well... It's be a year..." I take a deep breath and glance to the clock on the table beside my chair. My eyes land on a photo taken by Colin Creevey shortly before Harry left for the War. It's incredibly candid of Harry and Hermione standing by the tree staring out at the lake, her head on his chest, his chin on her head, their arms wrapped around one another. It was probably one of the last moments they every had together.
It's staring at this picture that makes me realise something...
"He's not coming back..." I whisper, surprised at the sound of the words and the way they feel tumbling out of my mouth. "He loved her too much to stay gone this long... How am I to tell your mum, James? How am I supposed to be the one that tells her that? I don't think I'm strong enough..." I feel a wave of unshed tears for my best friend well up behind my eyes. I look down through the watery mess and see James sound asleep in the crook of my arms. "Poor little bugger..."
I stand up carefully so as not to disturb him, step into the hall, and open the door to Hermione's room. I sit gently on the bed.
She rolls over, her cheeks wet with fresh tears and looks at me.
She doesn't have to verbalize it; I can see the unasked question in her eyes. "No..." I shake my head and she reaches for James.
There, in the June moonlight, the two of us curl up around James and cry much needed tears into the soft black hair of the only piece we have left of Harry Potter.
No Teaser this time, as I haven't even started on the next chapter yet! Sorry, but I'll try to get the next one up soon!
Happy Turkey for those in America with me.
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