Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Note: Even though I have gotten a few beta offers, this chapter is not corrected by anyone but me. However, this chapter can't wait forever so I decided to post it. I'm tired, and I'm taking my driver's license exam tomorrow, so forgive me if I overlooked something. I really am trying.
Oh, Egypt was great by the way. We stayed in Hurghada, and I took the scuba diving license there. Really cool. Merry Christmas!
- .
Ch30: THE DECISION
I change my mind
I change my life I want to leave it all behind
'Cause I don't have a mind of my own
I am influenced by everything that I see
And I can't help it now
Everything in my life just thinks for me
(Mind of My Own by Strung Out.)
"So soon?" asked Harry, his voice very unlike the one he was used to. He swallowed a large lump that had created itself in his throat. "I just took a damn dose! It practically killed me, I won't wake up again if I have to take another one so soon! How can you possibly expect me to?"
Bellatrix quickly whipped out her wand, her eyes blazing. Harry had already drawn his. They both held each other at wand point, silently daring the other to take the first move. Harry stood still; refusing to even blink. Just a moment without absolute attention could be enough for him to lose, and that was the last thing he needed. He sneered.
"I am in no mood for games, Bella! Leave me the hell alone."
"Do you have any idea of what I can do with this thing?" asked Bellatrix smoothly, looking swiftly at her wand. With a flick of her left hand - that almost startled Harry into firing a spell - she whipped her hair over her shoulder. "I have learned a few fun things. Tell me, Harry, how you would feel to lose all your clothes in an instant? In front of the Dark Lord, perhaps? Or what would you feel to wet yourself in a particularly important session? It would not be pleasant, would it? So - tell me again - do you really want to mess with me?"
"I know a few tricks as well," Harry only half-lied, eying her coldly.
Bellatrix grunted and surprisingly she slowly lowered her wand. "Whatever. Go on then. Our Lord will not appreciate us being late."
Harry almost crumpled in fear. Stealing a quick glance around him in search for a way out, he turned to her and looked at her pleadingly. "I really do not want to. Can we not wait a little longer, a day perhaps? I still feel weak, and ... uhm ... I really think it is a bad idea."
Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "Come on. We will make sure you do not die this time."
Sure she would, he thought dryly to himself, more than a little bitter.
"Come on!" urged Bellatrix, "You know that if our Lord wants you to come immediately, then you must."
Suddenly Harry realized exactly what she meant. He could feel a part of him wanting to go, as though his instincts were somehow connected to the Dark Lord's. It scared him, because the urge to follow the Dark Lord's bidding was so strong and powerful that it took his breath away.
Oh no.
Harry knew he did not have much choice. Even though he had his wand he could never hope to escape or win a fight over Bellatrix. She had decades of more experience than him, and even if he did escape she could easily inform the Dark Lord, and he would seal the castle before Harry had the chance to get halfway out. It was a lose - lose situation.
He silently followed. It was a strange feeling; he was scared out of his skin to reach the Dark Lord's chamber, but an other part of him wanted to go. Harry wondered how it would be after he had taken the last dose. Would he still be able to think, to do something on his own when he did not have any direct orders? Or would he just sit somewhere, staring blankly at nothing until the Dark Lord needed him?
Time seemed to be teasing him, because they were inside the chamber almost before Harry could see it. Suddenly Harry was bowing in front of the Dark Lord, who peered down at him with those creepy, crimson eyes of his.
Harry felt as though the ground had been kicked beneath him; he was that scared. The fear - that he had almost lacked earlier because of his pure respect - was now so big it seemed like the air itself was shivering. Would his life end here? He did not know what he preferred; living another's life or not living at all.
The Dark Lord could feel his anxiety as well, no doubt. The man was a master at that stuff.
Harry's eyes fell on the potion besides his Lord. He could smell the terrible stench clearly, and its content made him sneeze. He could feel his eyes watering, not from crying, but from the effect the potion had on him. Harry knew then that if he took the potion it would be the last thing he ever did, and suddenly dying did not seem like a bad option after all.
Harry did not want to live the way he had for the last weeks anymore. He wanted something else, something more than what the Dark Lord and the Stone Edge had to offer. He did not want to answer for anyone; he wanted to be his own master. A master of his own body, his own life. His own blood.
How fast things could change! Only the day before he had had everything a man could dream of: power, protection, health, a woman, and belonging to something great. Not just that - he had been the Heir of the most powerful wizard the world had seen in a long time as well. He could still be the Heir in a way, but he would not be himself anymore so it was not the same. How could it be? This had turned completely different from what he had hoped and expected.
Harry knew that the decision he took now was very likely the last one he would ever make. However, he wanted to make the right one. Not for everyone else, but for himself.
He wanted to die with pride, not of cowardice.
Suddenly, Harry thought he remembered being at a dark grave yard, surrounded by Death Eaters and the Dark Lord in the middle. He saw himself moving in slow motion and appearing directly in front of the Lord, and then they both raised their wands at each other, shouting something...
The Hell?
Harry shook his head in order to clear it and the image faded from his mind. The potion had to make him imagine things. He could not afford to let his attention wander.
The Dark Lord seemed pleased, but on edge. Something had obviously happened and Harry guessed it had something to do with what he had overheard earlier that day. He knew that if the last dose of potion was all he needed to be under the Lord's control, then it was no wonder the man was on edge.
"Boy."
"My Lord," answered Harry carefully.
"Our goal is just beyond our reach. Something great is waiting for you, my Heir, and you are going to make us proud. Are you Death Eater enough to take the last part of the potion?"
"My Lord," said Harry again, and bowed one more time, his heart beating wildly in his chest. "The second dose was only an inch from killing me completely. I have to question the timing, my Lord. If I take this again so soon it is unlikely I will wake up again."
"YOU DARE TO QUESTION OUR LORD?!" shrieked Bellatrix, horrified. Harry could detect a small glimmer of annoyance beyond the man's red eyes and knew that the time was running away from him. The Dark Lord did not want to wait, and he was going to make Harry pay for it.
"You are going to be just fine, boy," said the Dark Lord dangerously. "It should not be so hard for you to trust us when we assure you that we are not going to let it happen. You are, after all, an important asset of our group."
"Thank you, my Lord," said Harry hesitantly. "But I still think it is best if we wait a little longer before -"
"Crucio!"
The pain was breath taking, terrible and unbearable. For every second he was under it he felt as though something inside of him was breaking. Whether or not that was his body, will or his mind he could not tell. All he knew was the pain, a pain that made every drop of his blood boil and seemed to fill every particle of his being. Yet, at the same time it felt as though he was falling into something black and cold. He instinctually knew he had to keep himself out of it, no matter the cost. It was like another person inside him helped him through.
Then, the pain was gone and Harry found himself on the floor. He could scarcely breathe. The usually faint, blue lines in his hands were now standing out like neon lights.
There was something only too familiar with this...
Harry used a few minutes to collect himself, but in the reality he was not paying attention to what he was doing. He knew something like this had happened before. Several times - maybe even at the end of the Dark Lord's wand. When though? Could it possibly be the reason he had lost his memories in the first place?
Harry's head swam. If it was because of the torture or of the direction his thoughts led him he did not know. The possibility that he had been fooled into this was almost too much, and made him want to kick, scream and curse. He wanted to hurt everyone in sight. Badly. He did not notice the red and gold sparks that shot out of his wand.
"Get up," the Dark Lord commanded, and Harry immediately complied without really thinking about it. "I assume you are done playing games? I want you to take the rest of the potion, Harry."
Harry took a deep breath, and exhaled. He counted to ten. However, his voice still shook when he said what was going to change everything he knew: "I do not dare to, My Lord. I honestly fear for my life. At this moment it is not worth the risk. You will have to wait."
Bellatrix gasped. No one ever said that the Dark Lord would have to wait for something without being punished!
The crimson eyed man sneered. "Very well." Suddenly a beam came out of his wand. Harry moved too late and the unknown curse hit him in the chest. A second later he was laying on the floor again, completely unable to move. They had summoned his wand from him. His eyes stared up at the roof, and he felt a cold shiver down his back. What if they forced him the potion? He would never be able to stop them...
However, that did not seem to be what they had in mind. To strong Death Eaters - probably Crabbe and Goyle Senior - came, and picked Harry up as though he weighted little more than a doll, and walked out with him. They seemed to take extra care to bump Harry against hard objects on their way. Harry did not know for certain if it was planned or not, but he was thrown into a small cage - the same as the one he had woken up in all those weeks ago, exhausted beyond imagination and without memories. The death eaters and the Dark Lord had been kind to him then ... they had given him food and helped him recover.
Obviously he was no longer on the Dark Lord's good side.
When he was inside the cage the spell was lifted from him, but he lay still nevertheless. A huge feeling of hopelessness and loneliness washed over him, making him sad and depressed. He could not remember feeling so unworthy and lost before. His only allies had turned against him and no one could help him. He also had a raging war inside his head, and on top of that he had betrayed his Lord, something that he had swore to never do in his lifetime. He had even taken the Dark Mark to prove it.
He had really messed things up.
He did not know how long he was there, as the room had no windows and no one came to check on him. Harry barely moved at all. No longer did he have any hope that things were going to work out for him. He was doomed and he had been it from the start.
-
Harry woke up later by a scratching sound somewhere near his cage. Harry rose slowly from the cold stone he was laying on, feeling as though he had bruises all over his body, which he probably had. When he stacked himself on his feet he felt a wave of nausea come over him and he lost his balance. Back on the floor he let his cold hands cover his temples on both sides in an attempt to still the spinning world around him.
His attention returned to the present when he heard the mysterious sound again, and he peered out of the cage. At first he saw nothing, but soon he saw something move not too far away from the bars of his cage.
A rat ... curiously, one of its paws seemed to reflect the light as though it had a foot that was made of metal or silver ... he had seen that rat before!
"Hey, Wormtail!" he called out, and smirked slightly when he saw the rat jump several feet up in the air of surprise. The rat quickly transformed into a human and moved slowly towards Harry's cage. He was obviously not meant to be there.
"M - master Harry!" said Pettigrew shakily when he finally reached Harry. "You - you remember! You remember everything don't you? Oh no, no, no ... what will the Lord say? And now you probably want me to repay your life debt too! Well, guess what? It's not going to happen!"
"Life debt? What are you talking about?" asked Harry suspiciously. "Hang on ... you owe me one, you say?"
The rat man paled. "I - I thought you knew! You recognized me! I have never transfigurated in your presence since you lost ... er...."
"You haven't?"
"I really should go now, Master Harry," said Pettigrew, looking panicked. However, an idea was forming in Harry's mind and he realized that it could be his only chance.
"No!" He hissed, "Stay! Tell me about this life debt."
"Merciful Harry, you really need to rest right some more, we could talk about this another day when -"
"Now, Pettigrew. I do not have other days!"
"Oh well, it was nothing really, just a coincidence and you decided to protect me against some people. Nothing important at all."
Harry sighed, knowing that he probably would not get any more answers from the rat Animagus. "Whatever. I want you to repay that debt now. I want you to open the door and get me out of here. I need my wand first though."
"W-what?" stammered Pettigrew, "You expect me to be able to do something like that? Impossible! The Dark Lord will surely notice - he notices everything!"
Harry rolled his eyes, in an attempt to hide his increasing anxiousness. "You can be a rat right? I bet you can do it just fine. I need you to do this. If not I'll be as good as dead and then it will be your fault. You do not want that, do you?"
The small man was practically pulling out the last remaining hairs on his head at this point. Both knew that if you owed someone a life debt and you let them die on purpose, then you would die with them. Harry had learned that in one of his many lessons with Dolohov, who had told him that several times to highlight the importance of loyalty and protection among the Death Eaters and especially to the Dark Lord.
"N - No..."
"Then go," ordered Harry, and urged the man away. Pettigrew promptly changed back into the rat and scurried away, terrified. Harry hoped he would see the man again, but he dared not to think too much about it.
To wait, however ... wait for a life, wait for death, not knowing what the outcome would be ... was unbearable. He wished he was an Animagus himself. He had a feeling that he had tried to become one before, or at least thought about it, but it did not help him much. He did not even know the animal he would become, and he had to know that before he made an attempt.
A snake would be a good form, though ... then he could just slide between the bars. It would not be out of place and it would fit his personality as well.
Harry sighed and leaned his back against the cell wall, stretching his legs out so the sole of his shoes just touched the bars.
It was a very small cage.
The minutes ticked past slowly, like years. It already seemed like an eternity since Pettigrew had disappeared. Harry was not sure how loyal the rat was, either to him or to the Dark Lord. However, in this case the rat would have to choose between his life and a betrayal against his Lord. At least he had a some chance to survive if he helped Harry.
Harry wished he could sleep, but he was too cold and too nervous to even think straight. His thoughts went back and forth like waves against a shore, and he could not really grasp them. Maybe he simply wasn't thinking at something special at all.
Suddenly, after waiting for a long time, he became aware of a small, black shadow in the corner of the room close to where the door was. On a second look he realized it was Pettigrew, and that he had a wand in his rat mouth.
Only it wasn't his wand. It belonged to the Dark Lord.
Harry gasped, and still had his mouth open when Pettigrew changed back to human form. Obviously the man had not seen which wand he had, because he gave Harry the scary looking thing casually and without taking a second look at it. Instead he was looking at Harry expectantly, as though waiting for something.
Harry stared at the cream white wand like it was hurting him. However, the sensation he got from it was anything than hurt...
It felt like a taste of power, like the one he would get after using one of the Three Most Powerful curses. Like having someone at his mercy. Like being in control. Harry loved it instantly. "Thank you, Pettigrew," he said. "Maybe I'll have a chance to get out now."
"So the life debt is off then?" the older man said with round eyes, looking very nervous.
Harry looked up. "No. I do not want you to blab to the Lord. If you manage to keep your mouth shut until I am out of reach then it is alright." He was not going to let this opportunity run from him. He would need it.
He turned to the so - called - lock on his cage. It looked like the original one had been burnt off at some point, and replaced with a new one. He could do the same, but it would take too much time and he needed all the time he could get.
"Turn me into a small animal and change me back when I am through the bars," ordered Harry Pettigrew. Harry did not like the thought of trading his safety to a man that would do anything to save his own skin, but he did not have much of a choice.
Pettigrew pointed his wand at Harry with a shaking hand, and muttered something under his breath. The floor under Harry suddenly seemed to race up to him, and he had to close his eyes in anticipation of being hit. However, when he was only a few inches from the ground the air stilled, and he found himself on all four. All four, brown haired paws. Harry turned his head and saw a big, bushy tail behind him. It was the strangest thing.
The rat had turned him into a squirrel!
However, Harry knew that this was not the time to argue, so he quickly snatched the wand that lay beside him and took a few trying steps forward. It was hard, but it worked, and soon he was out and back in human form.
"Thank you," said Harry again, more sincerely. "I have to hurry now. The Dark Lord can find out that his wand is missing anytime and then it will be too late."
The man paled drastically. "His wand?! I thought it was yours! It was dark! I had to pick one!"
"Bye Wormtail."
"Wait! We have to change it back! When the Dark Lord sees he will kill me for sure! He will know it was me!"
"Then run with me," suggested Harry, secretly hoping the rat would turn the offer down. The man shook his head.
"Oh no, no ... what to do, what to do?"
"Well, I'm leaving now. Bye." Harry did not wait for the rat to make up his mind. Instead he quickly cast a disillusionment charm on himself and ran out of the door.
It was the only chance he had.
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