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Special thanks to Anna Rose for correcting (again, if you haven't checked out her stories yet, you should: www.fanfiction.net/u/919847/ ) And also a special thanks to Estarc who reviewed every single chapter of this story in less than 24 hours. I've never gotten that many reviews at once before!
Ch41: PUSHING THE LIMIT
Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide
(Here With Me by Dido)
"Harry?"
Harry lowered his wand. "Hermione?"
"Yeah…" she was panting. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you, but when you just-"
"It's okay," Harry quickly reassured her. "How did you find me?"
"I used a Tracking charm…" Hermione said as she stepped closer to him. Her hand reached out for his. Harry suddenly felt nervous and a chill went down his spine.
"Harry…" she said. "What happened?"
-
Hermione frowned slightly, as though she sensed he wasn't really sorry at all that she wasn't dating Ron. "Harry," she said, "I want you to know that you can tell me anything."
Harry was surprised. "I know. I haven't told the Prophecy to anyone but you."
She took his other hand and squeezed it gently.
-
Hermione hesitated for a moment, but finally nodded. "Alright, but then you have to promise me something: if Voldemort ever gets me, kills me or hurts me in any way … promise me that you won't blame yourself and do something stupid."
-
It was remembering those words that made Harry wake up. He instantly knew he had been dreaming memories again, not
merely making up some fantasy. He had been doing that quite a lot lately after taking Snape's potion. Harry
didn't mind this usually, except when he was reliving something that had been particularly horrible to him in the
past. Then he couldn't tell himself it had all just been a dream, because it had really happened.
Although it hurt to be reminded of happier days with Hermione, it was also a weird kind of comfort. While he was
dreaming about her, he could forget the reality for some time. He could even pretend that nothing had happened to
her.
Harry turned over in his bed, knowing he would not get any more sleep that night. The memories had felt too real, like he was experiencing them all over again. Waking up to the present was like having someone kick him roughly in the stomach.
Harry clenched his fists and opened them again a few times. He wanted to go back to sleep again so he could be with Hermione. Dreaming was much more tempting than the dull reality he was living in. However, Harry couldn't help but recall what Dumbledore had said in his first year: It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.
All right, so he wasn't going to waste his life dreaming about something that was all in the past, but he highly doubted he could ever enjoy his life the way it was now. Something inside him ached now more than ever for it all to simply end, so he didn't have to feel so much pain all the time.
It was always one thing after the other. He could remember (again thanks to Snape) his first and only year with his parents, and that year had been pretty happy - despite the evil and the insecurities lying in the shadows. It had all gone downhill from there. The years with the Dursleys had all been bad, and Hogwarts had therefore seemed like a heaven to him at first. A place where he could be free to be himself, somewhere fun and somewhere he could start a new and better life. Had he really been happy at Hogwarts, though? Every year had been filled with threats, difficult tasks, unstable teachers or monsters, and when Harry thought about it he realized he had used the entire time worrying or solving a mystery.
He could only remember being truly happy a few times in his life. He was always happy being at the Burrow with the Weasleys, pretending he was a part of their family, and he enjoyed winning Quidditch and riding a broomstick. The half hour where he thought he didn't have to go back to the Dursleys ever again and live with Sirius, and spending time with Hermione were just the joyous occasions he could ever remember being happy.
Was all the pain, all the worrying and all the suffering really worth it?
Harry didn't know. But he did know he didn't have much to lose.
-
"Come on, Harry, time to get up." Ron shook Harry's shoulder.
Harry opened his mouth to say he was not sleeping, but the silencing charm he had put on himself still worked and no sound came out. Sighing inwardly, Harry sat up and swung his feet down to the floor. Ron went to wash his face, and Harry used the opportunity to cancel the silencing spell. He had some training from the Death Eaters how to use spells silently, and the spell had weakened over time anyway so it wasn't much of a problem. His throat felt sore and dry, though.
Harry changed his clothes while massaging his neck, not really wanting to start a new day. "Your turn," said Ron when he came back from the bathroom. Harry nodded, went in and closed the bathroom door behind him. Harry allowed himself some time to simply look at himself in the mirror and study the dark mark a bit for any signs of activating.
There were no signs, but Harry hadn't really expected there to be any. He had been awake most of the night, too restless to sleep, and in all those hours he hadn't felt anything in the mark.
Harry looked back up into the mirror. He had to admit his reflection in the mirror looked awful. His hair was messier than usual, his face was almost as pale as the Dark Lord's, his lips were void of any colour and his eyes were a dull and lifeless dark green. How quickly everything a person knew could change.
Ron knocked on the door. "Coming?"
"Er, no," replied Harry, with a voice so hoarse that it was barely a voice at all. "You go ahead. I'm not particularly hungry."
Ron made a sound of disbelief, but after a few moments he gave it up as a lost cause and went away. The other Gryffindor boys had gone to breakfast a long time ago.
-
Harry skipped classes that day. The thought of dealing with Snape for two whole hours in potions and McClaggan in defense was not particularly tempting. Instead he sat down and tried to write a letter to Annie. He really missed her, and he longed for the sense of normalness he felt at her house. He missed her cool attitude. It was weird for Harry to admit, that in spite of the short time he had spent with her she had managed to become one of his best friends.
Had it not been for Hermione and what he had to do to save her he would return to Annie immediately like he in the ink and hovered over some parchment. He tried to decide how to start the letter. Hi Annie? Dearest Annie, or just Annie? Harry frowned, it was hard to concentrate. He decided to write the headline later and rather start on the letter.
This proved to be even more difficult. Harry's thoughts were such a mess he couldn't think of anything clever to write that would make sense to Annie, and his hands were still shaking rather badly so his handwriting was pretty hard to interpret.
It shouldn't be this difficult, it's just a letter, Harry told himself, before giving up on the letter. He could write it later.
Harry collected Akin from his dorm and took him up to the owl tower to visit Hedwig. He had to wear Akin around his neck, however, because the little thing complained that Harry's wrist was shaking so much it was hard to stay on. Combining Hedwig and Akin soon proved to be a problem as well though, as both pets considered the other as a threat. Harry decided to leave, and went somewhere he knew he could be alone - the Astronomy tower.
Harry breathed in the fresh air and tried to force himself to relax, all the while trying to get rid of the dark hole inside of him that grew bigger and bigger for each day. He walked over to one of the windows and looked out at the morning sky. It really was a beautiful view that he should have enjoyed, but all Harry could think about was how far down the ground was.
"Maybe I should just jump off the tower," suggested Harry half-heartedly in Parseltongue, his voice shaking slightly. He knew he would do no such thing, but he couldn't help entertaining the thought. Akin tightened his hold around Harry's neck in agitation. Strangely, the weight of Akin around his neck was more comforting than the view and the fresh air.
"No! I need someone to take care of me, and feed me! Others of your kind are scary!"
Harry remembered what Ron had said about Seamus and Dean joking about accidentally killing Akin. "They won't do anything to you," he promised. "I won't allow it."
Akin seemed unsure. "I don't like them; they wish me harm. You're not always there to watch over me. You're back now, but you were gone for an awful long time."
"I didn't have much choice," said Harry, and he told Akin all about the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord, and how they had used the Cruciatus curse so much Harry forgot all his memories and got confused enough to become a Death Eater. Then he told Akin about how he had felt uncomfortable killing someone at first, but how he had suppressed it enough for it to be second nature for him. He told how much he regretted killing all of the innocent people, especially the pregnant woman, and being partly responsible for Percy's death. Harry's stomach twisted to a very uncomfortable knot remembering that; what would Ron say if he ever found out about it? Ron may not have liked Percy, but the Weasleys were extremely loyal to their family.
Harry was very grateful that only he and the Dark Lord knew Parseltongue. Akin was the perfect listener that way; he couldn't tell anyone even if he wanted to.
Harry didn't begin to cry, but he did feel something break inside him as desperation took a new death grip on him with its cold hand. If only there was a way for him to contact the Dark Lord, then -
Wait. Hadn't he tried just that once at Grimmauld Place and partly succeeded?
Harry felt his eyes widen as his heart did a great jump. Of course!
"Akin!" he cried in excitement. "I know! I know how I can talk to my Lord!"
"I thought he wasn't really your Lord?" remarked Akin dryly.
"Never mind that!" Harry was too excited to care. "I can tell him I'm ready to come back!"
"But then you'll have to leave me again!" hissed Akin. "I don't want you to go. Not again."
Harry shifted guiltily. "I'm really sorry, but I have to do this. I can't live without -" There was no word for Hermione.
"Your mate?" suggested Akin.
"Yes, her," said Harry. "She'll take care of you if ... if I don't come back."
Harry untangled Akin from his neck and put him gently down on the ground a little out of the way. He knew this would be extremely risky. The last time he had tried had been a fiasco - as soon as the Dark Lord knew what was going on he had made Harry Apparate. Had it not been for the fact that Harry had been in Grimmauld Place at the time with Apparition wards, he would've been caught by the Dark Lord much earlier.
"I don't have much to lose anyway," muttered Harry quietly as he prepared himself for what he had to do. In fact, he was quite proud of himself for thinking of it in the first place. He didn't feel particularly scared either, just a calm acceptance of what he had to do.
He remembered what Hermione had said the last time he had tried to contact Voldemort: "You can't mess with Voldemort like that! No one knows what he could do!" She was right of course, but he was doing this for her this time, not just to save a random person he didn't know.
Harry closed his eyes and calmed himself again the best he could. He sought for the connection he shared with the Dark Lord in his mind, focusing only on finding the same sensation as he had last time, the feeling of being close to the Lord without actually being near him physically. He had done it before, so he could do it again.
He tried thinking of what the Dark Lord could be doing at the moment and how he felt. Willing himself to find out, he suddenly felt his mind doing some kind of shift, like a part of himself was transported somehow, and he could not feel himself sitting on the top of the Astronomy tower any longer. He was standing, with his left hand resting on a smooth surface. Harry couldn't see anything, and even though he badly wanted to see if Hermione was in the room with him, he couldn't take the chance of history repeating itself. Last time, the Dark Lord had only realised Harry was there when Harry forced his eyes to see what the Dark Lord saw.
Master? Harry whispered inside his mind. He forced down the bad taste he got in his mouth when he addressed the Lord as his own. He had to be respectful, or else he wouldn't achieve anything.
Harry felt the Dark Lord's body tense, and a second later he felt the awareness of another mind seeking out for his. Harry retreated slightly so he wouldn't get too close to the other mind, but he was tired already. He had to do this quick.
Master? He tried again.
Ah, Harry, Harry heard the Dark Lord say. I wondered when you would try to seek me.
I have been waiting for you to call me, my Lord, said Harry.
Have you now? The voice was dripping with sarcasm.
I have! Harry hurried to explain. But I was confused. My memories started to come back and then Bella told me about that potion you were making, and what it would do... this was a lie: Harry didn't think it would be a good idea to tell the Lord he had been eavesdropping.
She told you? pressed the Dark Lord dangerously.
Well, yes, Harry replied, doing his best to sound sincere.
You lie! Do you honestly think I cannot sense it when you do? You have always been bad in hiding your feelings, boy! You only want to come back so you can save your precious Mudblood.
Harry didn't know what to say. This wasn't going the way he had hoped, and he was so incredibly tired already from staying in control of his own mind... Look, I will come back if you activate the mark, my Lord. If you do not want me to, then there is nothing I can do about it.
Always the Gryffindor ... tell me, killed something lately?
Harry thought of all the birds he had played with while he had been staying with Annie and said nothing.
You have, remarked the Dark Lord with amusement. We have a lot in common, you and I. You are not the only one who has killed someone lately...
Harry felt himself go cold. You have not killed Hermione, have you?
Now, now, where would be the fun in that?
I swear, if you hurt her -!
You would do what? You better remember where you belong, boy. You are marked as a Death Eater, and that means you will be one for the rest of your life. You will always think like one, and you will always act like one.
I'm not like that! I was marked against my will! protested Harry, even though he knew it was pointless. Somewhere deep inside, no matter how much he loathed to admit it, the Dark Lord did have a point. Harry still felt as though a part of him belonged with the Death Eaters.
Harry felt a wave of irritation from the Dark Lord that Harry recognized was not from what he had said, but from how he had said it. Harry thought back to what he had said for a moment and hurried to correct himself. I am not.
The Lord had always made a point of sounding like an adult.
Denial is a dangerous thing, warned the Dark Lord. You know very well you were not marked against your will. I recall you were quite eager, in fact. You have always had a darker side in you, Harry, it was bound to come out sooner or later. The sooner you realise where you truly belong, the better it will be for both of us, not to mention your Mudblood friend. Although, I am curious of why you did not try to rescue her in the first place ... no matter. I will consider summoning you.
Thank you, my Lord, said Harry breathlessly, surprising himself. Why was it so easy to still call the Dark Lord for his Lord? It really shouldn't be.
Harry found he could no longer hold the connection with the Lord. Without warning, his head exploded in pain and his scar cracked open. A wave of dizziness forced him back to the Astronomy tower. He swayed in his sitting position for a moment, his eyes rolling up in his head, before he promptly passed out.
-
Harry came back to consciousness when he felt himself being lifted from the ground.
"Lemme `lone," he mumbled, trying to fight the invisible force holding him up with his arms and feet, but as no one was actually holding him he didn't have anyone to fight against.
Harry opened his eyes and saw the person who had found him was none other than McClaggan. The Defense teacher had his wand pointed at Harry, concentrating in holding a hover charm. Harry let his head fall back in defeat. Just great.
"We have been looking high and low for you, Mister Potter," said McClaggan gruffly. "We almost suspected you had been taken again or something worse. You did not come to classes today."
"I know," said Harry dryly. He refused to apologize. Trying to find a way to reach Hermione was much more important than classes so he didn't feel ashamed in the least.
"We didn't see you at breakfast either," continued McClaggan, frowning thoughtfully. "When was the last time that you ate something?"
Harry struggled to remember. "Yesterday morning, I think."
The Defense teacher made a disapproving sound. "No wonder you haven't been feeling too well! A growing boy like you needs nutrition!"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Harry grunted, wanting to make a comment about the teacher not being his father. Instead, he said, still with a rather raspy voice: "Put me down already!"
"Sorry kiddo, not yet. I have a hard time believing you were merely sleeping up there. You're going to Poppy, you are."
Harry groaned. If he went back there, the nurse would never let him go! "Really, I am fine," he said as convincing as he could. "I just tried this new form for Occlumency and I overdid it. Dumbledore will know what I am talking about."
"Will he? He approves of this?"
"Yes. Well, he wants me to do it with supervision. I forgot about that until now, it is a while since the last time we practiced." Again Harry lied with just as much truth to make it believable. He was getting quite good at it.
"I see," was all McClaggan said, and they were quiet for several minutes while McClaggan guided Harry down the stairs from the tower with the hovering charm.
Harry sincerely hoped no one saw him like this. They'd believe he was a rotten child who had misbehaved or something. Not seeing a reason to let himself be embarrassed by something like that, he took out the Dark Lord's wand to cancel the spell.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," McClaggan commented. "It'll hurt to fall down these stairs. And believe me, if you cancel the spell, you will fall."
Harry scowled, before remembering that Akin was still up in the tower. "Oh wait, I forgot my snake! We have to go up again."
McClaggan groaned. "No way!" Harry got a strange urge to laugh. Now who was the one acting like a child?
"I can wait here," suggested Harry, his eyes dancing with unconcealed amusement.
McClaggan looked over him critically. "Probably a good idea. I'll just freeze you so you can't go anywhere -"
"What will I do if someone comes by and try to hurt me then? I will be completely defenseless and it will be all your fault."
This caught the professor off guard and he seemed to be at loss for what to do. "Er, right. Do I have your word that you will not go anywhere?"
Harry rolled his eyes. "Why would I do that? I want my snake back. That is the whole point."
McClaggan's jaw tightened in irritation before he turned on his heel and walked back up to the tower with quick, angry steps that echoed back to Harry, who was now sitting on one of the steps.
Harry couldn't help but grin evilly in triumph, and he had to cover his mouth with his hands to stop the snickering that suddenly escaped him. He hoped the teacher felt really, really stupid.
McClaggan returned shortly after with Akin carefully between his hands. Harry rose and quickly put the little snake around his neck. Then he glared at McClaggan.
"Shall we go then? I do not know about you, but I certainly do not have the entire day to waste."
McClaggan's lips were just as thin as McGonagall's usually were when he mumbled something that sounded very much like: "You could say thank you."
Harry narrowed his eyes. "Oh yes. Thank you for flying me down here against my will like a silly doll and forgetting about my snake. Thank you so much. You are very generous."
"Why do you talk like that?" asked McClaggan sharply.
Harry instantly threw up the best Occlumency shield he could manage. "Talk like what, exactly?"
"Like a younger version of Professor Snape," McClaggan explained. "Like just now you said `you are' instead of `you're' like a normal teenager would. And you even say ` I do not know' instead of `I don't know.' How come? Isn't that to, er, exaggerate a little?"
Harry stared. As a Death Eater, he was expected to be proper in order to create more respect and even fear. He still wanted that kind of respect, but was it really a good idea to talk like that if it connected him to another Death Eater? Now it was Harry's turn to feel stupid and he got annoyed again. Of course it wasn't worth it.
"Why do you care?" asked Harry grumpily. McClaggan ignored that comment.
"You're extremely rude too. I realize you've had an extremely hard time the last few months, but it doesn't give you an excuse to act like a spoiled brat."
"I do not act like a spoiled brat!" Harry hissed, seeing angrily red spots dance before his eyes. He forced himself to put away his wand to keep himself away from using the Dark Arts. "Of all the spoiled kids in this school, I am not one of them!" he continued angrily, "in case you forgot, my parents are DEAD and the family members I still have DO NOT CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL! I have been on my own for my entire life and I have fought for the lives of my friends and my own more times than I can count, not to mention I HAVE THE FREAKING RESPONSIBILITY TO RID THIS WORLD OF THE DARKNESS YOU LIKE TO CALL DEATH EATERS - AND YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO CALL ME SPOILED?"
"I didn't say you were a spoiled brat, just that you act like one," the Defense professor lamely tried to defend himself, more than a little surprised by Harry's outburst.
"You know what?" Harry barked, forcing his sore voice to shout some more. "I DON'T CARE! I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING JUDGED BY EVERY LITTLE THING I DO! No one has the right to judge me, they don't know what I've been through! SO WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?"
McClaggan clearly struggled to keep his calm. "You obviously don't need to visit Madam Pomfrey. You look healthy enough to me. But you will see Professor Dumbledore young man!"
"FINE! I can find the way myself, thanks!" Harry gave the professor the ugliest glare he could manage.
"FINE! Have it your way then! No sane person would want your company when you're like that anyway. However, I will talk to Professor Dumbledore later, and if I hear that you have not been to see him I will give you so many detentions you won't see daylight until summer."
"Yeah, whatever," said Harry, giving the Defense teacher one last glare before strutting quickly away in the direction of Dumbledore's office. "Like I would come anyway," he mumbled under his breath, just as the school bell rang and small students began to scatter out of different doors, too busy to get out of the classroom to put their school stuff properly into their bags.
They must have Potions next, thought Harry to himself. He almost felt sorry for them.
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