Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Ch42: A DIFFERENT VIEW
I'm standing still
I'm oh, so peaceful
I can't pretend that I'm fine
I get so ill, crazy, agitated
When I've not really died
I can't do this, I can't do this
I can't do this by myself
I can't do this, I can't do this
Oh God, I need Your help
(I Can't Do This by Plumb)
Harry was still angry, but after a few minutes he began to calm down a little. He knew he had overreacted and he knew McClaggan probably didn't deserve all those rude comments, but it had felt so good to give into his anger and frustration for a moment. Not using any Dark Arts really took its toll on him. His body and mind ached more and more each day to use the Dark Arts that it was so hard not to use them at times. It was so close to the surface, so close to suck him into an eternal abyss of darkness and violence...
Do what is right, not what is easy, Harry reminded himself stubbornly, clenching his fists. Do what is right, not what -
A little kid from Ravenclaw ran straight into Harry from behind and knocked out both his breath and train of thought.
"Hey, watch where you are going!" barked Harry to the annoying little girl, glaring at her. The Ravenclaw's eyes widened and filled with tears before she began to run away in the opposite direction, absolutely scared out of her wits. "Hey!" Harry called after her, "don't be like that, I didn't mean to scare you!" She was out of earshot already, however.
Wonderful, he thought.
Shaking his head in irritation, Harry continued his chant. "Do what is right -" Honestly, couldn't the first years EVER watch where they were going? They had eyes like everyone else for a reason. What is right ... what was right anyway? Oh right. Not being a Dark wizard was right. "Not what is easy -"
Again, Harry felt someone run into him from behind. Determined to be nicer this time, Harry forced himself to breathe slowly and he merely closed his eyes in irritation for a moment before continuing his stride, not looking back to see who it was.
Until someone, most likely the same person, shoved him roughly between his shoulders.
Harry lost the last shreds of patience he had left.
"Can you please pay attention to -" Harry began, but halted when he saw the person who ran into him twice was none other than Draco Malfoy. Harry narrowed his eyes at the Slytherin dangerously. "You!"
Draco smirked and mocked viciously. "Do what's right, not what's easy, nah, nah, nah."
Harry felt an angry flush creep up his chin. "Why do I have the feeling that it is not a coincidence that you are here?"
Receiving no answer, Harry scowled, turned away and started to walk in the direction he was originally headed. The Slytherin just smirked and followed side by side.
Draco sneered. "There's a reason they managed to get you, you know. It doesn't matter that I warned you, you still are the same weak and pathetic Potter as you've always been."
"Shut up, Malfoy," said Harry, not breaking his stride. He could almost hear Hermione whisper to him: Don't listen to him, he's not worth it ... To a certain extent, that helped him to keep his anger in check, and as long as he could do that he could stop himself from using any Dark magic.
"What? Are you embarrassed, Potter? You know I'm right. And I know you're scared. Not much of a Gryffindor after all, are you?"
Harry rolled his eyes and kept walking. Ignore it... He was tempted to reveal that the sorting hat had almost placed him in Slytherin, however.
"My father told me all sorts of things he did to you when you were held captive, and how you cried like a baby. I bet he'll do lots of the same things to your Mudblood girlfriend."
Harry quickened his pace. He knew he shouldn't let Malfoy's words bother him, but it became increasingly difficult to ignore. Pity he had to walk almost all across Hogwarts to reach his destination. Draco struggled to catch up on Harry's quick and long steps.
"Doesn't it bother you that she's a girl? I mean, I know she's a Mudblood and all, but I bet there're a few Death Eaters who're desperate enough to even go for someone like her. I know my father wouldn't sink that low, but I know of at least three or four who--"
Harry whirled around, furious. "Sod off, Malfoy! Don't you have anything better to do?"
Draco smirked and pretended to look around. "No."
Harry's body was itching to use some Dark Arts so badly it actually stung him on the inside. The Dark Lord's wand in his pocket seemed to radiate irresistible warmth. Harry realized that the chance of him making it all the way to Dumbledore's office without exploding was very slim.
"Not so tough now, are you? Did the Death Eaters break the Golden Boy? Did they scare you? Well, guess what, they're probably going to break Granger too, especially when they take away her clothes and-"
This was all Harry could take. With a furious growl he grabbed Draco's arm roughly and threw the Slytherin into an empty classroom. Draco stumbled to the floor, but before he could get up on his feet Harry had leapt over to where he was, and Draco was kicked harshly in the gut. "SHUT UP! Just shut up!" Harry screamed, making his throat dry. Then he withdrew his wand from his pocket and pointed it menacingly at Draco. "You don't know anything! ANYTHING!"
Draco gasped for breath, but he still wore that damned smirk on his face "Oh yeah? I know all about you and I also know you have picked the losing side in this war!"
Harry raised an eyebrow. "Oh, have I now? Who has said I am on anyone's side but my own?"
Draco's expression suddenly became abnormally guarded. "What do you mean?"
Harry threw his head back and laughed a dry and slightly hysterical laugh oddly similar to Bellatrix Lestrange's. When he finally got his laughter under control he bent down so he was at the same eye level as Draco. "What I mean," he whispered dangerously and very slowly, "is that I am on my side and my side only. I do not have any qualms for hurting someone anymore, especially those I do not like. You better remember that before you test my patience further."
Draco rose to his feet, looking shaken. "You know, if I didn't know better I'd say the Dark Lord didn't break you after all, he made you! Something about you has changed and I intend to find out what it is."
Harry's breath hitched in his throat and he straightened up. He suddenly realized that he had talked like a Death Eater would, and Draco had noticed. Without meaning to, Harry's eyes flickered to his left forearm. It was only for a second, but the Slytherin noticed.
"Wait a minute!" murmured Malfoy, reaching for Harry's arm with wide eyes. Harry threw his arm back and out of his reach. Harry's heart raced madly in his chest. He had to get out of the room!
Draco Malfoy didn't try to follow him this time. Harry raced up to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom instead of going straight to the Headmaster's office like he had promised to. He needed to be alone. He needed time to calm down.
He locked himself inside a stall and sat down on the toilet inside, not caring to check where the girl ghost was. He took a deep breath and put his head in his hands, rocking a bit back and forth as he struggled to calm himself.
He couldn't believe how stupid he had been. It was a weak comfort to know he hadn't used any curses. He shouldn't have let Draco's mocking affect him that much. Now the Slytherin knew Harry wasn't as light as he appeared to be.
Harry gritted his teeth and tried to tell himself that no one would believe Draco if he began to tell people that The - Boy - Who - Lived had the Dark Mark, but it didn't help much. Snape already suspected, and he would listen to Malfoy. The Slytherin ferret knew too much and he needed to be silenced.
-
"You wanted to see me, Headmaster?" inquired Harry, somewhat nervously a half an hour later. It didn't help that Snape was lurking in the shadows of Dumbledore's office either. Harry forced himself not to bite his lip - it wouldn't do any good to show that he was nervous. He hadn't done anything wrong that they could nail him for, had he? He had managed not to use any Dark Arts since he arrived at Hogwarts, so unless Snape had talked to Draco already and had voiced his suspicions to Dumbledore, everything should be fine right? Harry's stomach suddenly did a bad flip. What if they had bad news about Hermione?
Thinking about Hermione made Harry even more nervous, but he reminded himself that he had just talked to the Dark Lord. He didn't know her physical shape, but at least she should be alive.
"I did indeed," said Dumbledore, stroking his beard and looking at him over his glasses. "I believe you remember everything now?"
Harry nodded stiffly, his throat dry.
"Excellent. The potion worked then. Remarkable work as always, Severus." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he looked over at the Potions Master, who gave him a look which said `did you expect anything less?' Dumbledore turned his attention to Harry again. "I am sincerely sorry you had to go through it all again. It was necessary, however. This way we can finally find the last pieces to the puzzle." The older wizard waited a moment before he continued, like he was unsure of how to proceed. Harry put his hands in his lap so no one would see how much they were shaking. The withdrawal affects just got worse and worse...
"Perhaps you should start with the beginning," suggested Dumbledore. "Of how you got caught to what happened when you got there..."
Harry did tell, but not everything. He avoided telling that he had been marked, being looked upon as the Heir of the Dark Lord, and he avoided telling them about killing those innocent people. Most importantly it was because he didn't want to plead guilty in more than he had to, but it was also because it was very hard to talk about. However, he did tell that the Death Eaters first used him to practice the Dark Arts themselves, but then started to teach him what they knew. Then he started explaining what he knew about the potions he had to take. Snape and Dumbledore both paled dramatically when they heard that Harry had taken two doses already, and Harry realized that the two older wizards already knew about what kind of potion he was talking about.
A serious silence followed, before the raid on Diagon Alley was brought up. Harry knew he could not avoid telling them about that one, because he had been spotted and identified there.
"You were most likely Confounded," said Dumbledore suddenly, turning to Snape to see if the Potions Master agreed. Snape just shrugged.
Harry licked his lips nervously and said nothing. Didn't they know that he had killed several people, among them Dolores Umbridge? Umbridge was personal, they should know that. He was also partly responsible for Percy's death, and that had happened in public with a lot of Aurors.
Dumbledore got up from his chair behind the desk and picked up the Pensieve. He put it down in front of Harry, and picked up a bottle with silvery mist inside it.
"This is a memory from one of the shop owners that day. We first thought you were under the Imperius Curse, but Miss Granger told us you can throw that off. There are other ways to confuse a person and make one do things against his or her will, however. The Confundus Charm is one of them, but what you said about this potion is most curious indeed ... perhaps the potion combined with the Imperius curse was what did the trick..."
Harry plunged head first into the pensive, Dumbledore appearing next to him. Harry recognized the scene immediately; the Aurors would arrive in a minute and Dolohov had just told him to hold Percy under control as a hostage with his wand. This caused Harry to feel uneasy, watching himself with some interest and increasing fear.
"Come on, kill him!" ordered Dolohov's voice, echoing all around them. Dumbledore saw the real Harry gasp as he heard; the old instincts begging him to comply.
"Harry, no! It's me, Percy!"
Harry saw the misty version of himself hesitate and Percy made a new, desperate attempt to win him over. "Harry, please! I'm sorry for writing that letter to Ron! I didn't mean it, well, I meant it, but not anymore, I promise!"
Harry didn't dare to look at Dumbledore who was standing next to him as the version of himself made a confused sound. It did look as though he was fighting some kind of Imperius Curse, but Harry remembered the real reason for why he was hesitating back then ... he hadn't understood how Percy could know his name and talk like he knew him.
"KILL HIM!" barked Dolohov, bringing Harry's attention back to what was going on in front of him.
The Aurors had arrived and Dolohov had grabbed Harry's collar. Harry frowned as he closed his eyes and opened them again, making sure he imagined what he saw. He had wondered, back then, why Dolohov had grabbed him like that, but it couldn't be more obvious now: The older wizard had used him as a hostage! Harry felt as though his ground had been knocked from beneath him. They hadn't trusted him once, not even there. They would rather kill him than let the Aurors get their hands on him. Had they thought he would give away their secrets just like that? He had been a proud Death Eater, and he wouldn't even have considered escaping had it not been for the fact that he overheard his Lord and Bella discuss the potion!
"When I say now," said Dolohov, but not loudly, "run towards Knockturn Alley. Do you understand?"
"Yes," Harry heard himself answer, but Harry could see how he had swayed where he stood, so that Dolohov had to steady him as well as cast the Imperius Curse on Percy. Harry glanced at Dumbledore. Surely the old man wouldn't force him to see Ron's brother die all over again?
Luckily, that was not necessary. Dumbledore merely nodded and grabbed Harry's arm, telling him it was time to go. Once more, they were both in the Headmaster's office. They all sat down in their chairs again, even Snape, who smirked back at Harry.
Harry looked slightly ashamed of what they had just seen, but strangely, neither Dumbledore nor Snape made any comment that indicated they blamed him. Harry looked down at his feet, trying to find something to say. Suddenly, a hot soaring pain shot through Harry's left arm, and he jerked in his seat just as Snape did the same.
The Dark Mark! Harry's heart soared in his chest, but it was quickly drowned by another piercing pain from the mark. Through watering eyes, Harry saw Snape cover his left forehand with his right arm, and he struggled not to do the same. It hurt so badly!
Dumbledore looked at them both curiously over his glasses, and Harry felt faint from pain and worry that the cat was out or the bag for good this time.
Snape just confirmed the question in Dumbledore's eyes on whether it was the Dark Lord or not with a short nod. Then both looked at Harry. Dumbledore leaned across his desk, watching Harry closely.
"Is it your scar, my boy?"
Harry nodded quickly, although he did hear the question underneath those words: Or is it something else? He didn't trust his voice enough to speak. It took a lot of effort to not give away that it was his mark that hurt, not the scar, and he kept his hands completely still with difficulty so he wouldn't give it away. However, a new urgency had risen within him: he had to get out of the castle so he could be transported to Stone Edge before it was too late. He knew the Dark Lord wouldn't wait long, and if he saw that Harry didn't come after all Merlin knew what would happen to Hermione. He had to go right away.
"Erm, I have to go," he mumbled and rose from his seat, his words and knees shaky with adrenalin and pain.
Dumbledore looked alarmed. "I do not believe that is a good idea, Harry. It is better if you stay here in my office."
"No!" said Harry, a little too quickly, walking backwards towards the door. "There is something I need to take care of. It cannot wait!"
The Headmaster stood also and started to move towards Harry. "Surely it can. Whatever it is, it can wait. There are more important matters we need to discuss--"
"No, it has to be done now!" interrupted Harry, getting desperate. "I will be quick, honestly!" He was almost by the door now; if he just stretched his arm behind him he should surely be able to reach the handle...
To Harry's great surprise Dumbledore pulled out his wand. It was not a threatening move, but Harry recognized the warning behind it. Harry itched after his own wand, which was in his pocket. He took one more step back towards the door, but crashed against something soft.
Snape!
Harry realized he was trapped, and the panic wrapped around his mind like a blanket. He couldn't screw this up; Hermione's life was at risk!
"No!" he cried, making a sharp turn under Snape's outstretched arm and bolting for the door. Surprisingly Dumbledore didn't fire after him, but Harry supposed the Headmaster didn't want to violate his trust. Harry took the flight of stairs in only a couple of leaps, almost crashed into the gargoyle and sped down the hall. His feet felt so light it barely felt as though his feet connected with the stone floor at all. A few words repeated themselves in his mind like a broken record: Please don't let it be too late, please don't let it be too late!
And he ran even faster. He barely noticed passing McGonagall, or that she asked him where he was going. He was nearly there when -
"Stop right there, Potter! Where do you think you're going?"
Harry narrowed his eyes at the Defense professor as he ran, but he was not slowing down. McClaggan had his wand out, ready for use. Harry's mind was racing of possible ways to solve the situation, but it was difficult to make a decision.
"I said STOP!" shouted McClaggan in great despair.
As Harry got closer, it was suddenly clear to him what he had to do. He reached his professor a second later, letting an angry growl leave his mouth, just like a wild animal. The spell McClaggan had started to say died in his mouth as Harry shoved him roughly to the side, and the professor's head hit the stone wall with a sick sound. Harry looked back at him, seeing what he had done and how he had caused pain so easily. It hadn't been with a spell, but for some reason it still felt good. Harry shook his head, pushing his thoughts at the back of his head and jerked the heavy entrance door open and ran out to the school ground, heading towards Hogsmade. The Dark Mark still stung, but not as much. He still had a chance of making it.
Please don't let it be too late...
It was strange, being so terrified of not making it because of Hermione, and yet at the same time being terrified of actually making it because it would surely mean the end of him as a free person. The end of Harry Potter, the wizarding world's saviour.
"Time to do what is right," Harry breathed between his long steps. His whole body ached from the effort of running so fast, sweat running down his forehead, but he refused to acknowledge it. Rest was something he could do later.
Harry met no else who stood in his way, and he suddenly stopped as he reached the Apparation point. Surely the Dark Mark could be activated from there?
Breathing hard, Harry ripped up his left sleeve so fast that he tore the fabric. He pressed his fingers towards the skull of the Dark Mark. He could feel a slight tickling underneath his finger, as though the Mark was unsure whether or not to transport him. Had he been too slow?
"Come on!" Harry hissed, unknowingly speaking in Parseltongue because of the snake tattoo, "Come on, WORK!"
Nothing happened.
"Don't do this to me! COME ON!"
Then Harry felt the ground beneath his feet dissolve.
-
Authors Note: A new chapter ... should be a joke since it's April Fool's day right - it's been so long! Surely you thought I were dead or something by now? However, I promised you I wouldn't quit the story so I won't, even if I've lost many of you readers by not being able to get it done sooner.
In the end I got some help by Annick, who helped me string the chapter together. I highly doubt the chapter would be done yet had it not been for her. Then my beta Anna Rose did a wonderful job correcting it. I owe them both!
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