Chapter 2 - Confusion
How did this happen? What am I doing here, lying in Harry's bed staring at his ceiling? My heart is bursting out of my chest as I think back to a few hours ago. He told me he loved me. I kissed him. God, I have never been kissed like that. I never wanted it to end. But like all good things, it had to end. We didn't say anything to each other afterwards except good night. I came in here and he slept on the couch, like always.
Every time Ron and I argue, I end up here, sleeping in Harry's bed while he sleeps on the couch. I love his bed. It's soft and warm and smells just like him. I have always loved his smell, like warm toffee with a bit of musk. Harry. How could I not realize what he felt? He's been my best friend since we were eleven, how could I miss it? Now that I know, what am I supposed to do?
I have loved Harry for a long time, but never took it anywhere. He was always so preoccupied with Voldemort. He never had time for girlfriends, even after Voldemort was dead. I think I can count the women he's dated on one hand. I remember when he dated Ginny. Everyone thought they would get married. When they broke up, I was shocked to say the least. I always assumed that he was still stuck on her and the fact that she was with Malfoy added to his pain. That was why he didn't date anymore. I guess I was wrong.
I never expected him to be in love with me. I'm married to Ron. Although it's not perfect, we've had our share of good times and bad. Harry always ends up getting caught in the middle. Oh God, he has been sitting there, listening to my marital problems for ten years, and all the while he was pining away… for me. My heart is breaking for all the pain I inadvertently caused him. It's because of me that he hasn't settled down. It's because of me that he's not happy. To tell the truth, it's because of him that I'm not happy, either.
Looking back, I fell in love with Harry long before I did Ron. I just threw it aside as mere hero worship, to begin with. He was the Harry Potter. Later when we became best friends, I never thought he would see me in any other light. I remember how his girlfriends used to get jealous because of me. Honestly, I used to be jealous of them. They were the ones that got to hold his hand or kiss him. I hated Cho Chang for giving him his first kiss. 'Wet' is not the best way to experience a first kiss. Last night's kiss was wet, but in such a good way. I can't dwell on that, I need to figure this out.
When Ron had asked me to the ball in sixth year, I went hoping it was only as friends. He told me how much he loved me that night; no one had ever said that to me. No one had ever paid attention to me like that. I jumped at it. We started dating and I was happy, or at least I thought I was at the time. Looking back, I don't regret it, but I know that something was always missing.
Looking back at all the momentous occasions in my life, Harry was there. Oh how it must have hurt him to give me away to Ron at our wedding. Poor Harry. I can't help the tears from falling at the idea of having possible happiness a breath away and not being able to have it. I cry at how many times Harry helped me back on my feet just to watch me go and fall back down again. But he still picked me back up time and time again.
Last night, when Ron hadn't denied his affair with Lavender, I wanted to leave and never look back, but with two children, that's hard. Now I have the chance to walk away. Leave him. Leave the pain. I want what I felt last night when I danced with Harry. I want what I felt when I kissed him. I have never felt so… complete.
I stare out the window into the dawning sky. I have been laying here for hours, unable to sleep. My mind and my heart won't stop. I want Harry. I've always wanted Harry, and now he's right there at my fingertips. Right there, in the next room, sleeping on the couch. Do I have it in me to go for it? Damn, I need a woman's advice right now.
I get up and dress, trying to be quiet as not to disturb my host sleeping in the living room. I apparate to Hogsmeade and wander aimlessly through the town. I know where I'm going, but I need to clear my head a bit first. Do I love Ron? Yes. Do I love Harry? Yes. Which one will give me happiness? Harry, maybe. But what about the good times that Ron and I have shared? I can't just throw that away for 'maybe.' Much faster than I expected, I find myself standing in front of 'la casa de Malfoy' as we all call it. I know Ginny should be up shortly. Little Annemarie should be waking for her feeding soon.
Ginny and Draco. Now there's something that no one expected. They've been married for four years now. Ginny just gave birth to Annemarie five months ago. They are so happy. I know I hated Draco at Hogwarts. But since his father was put in Azkaban at the end of our fifth year, Draco gained a better role model in Severus Snape to watch over him. Snape had pulled him under his wing and Draco became another spy for the Order. Voldemort never expected for his right-hand-man's son to turn against him. Draco later became an auror alongside Harry, putting his father's 'friends' in Azkaban. Poetic justice if you ask me.
I slowly walk up the stones to the house; the butterflies in my stomach are now feeling more like hippogriffs. I gently knock and smile at the sound of Annie giggling at something. Ginny answers the door in her dressing gown, her eyes still puffy from sleep. She knows that Ron and I had a fight, if only that were the real reason I was here. She offers me some tea and a seat on the couch. A few moments later she returns with Earl Grey, sugar instead of honey. Well, I'll live. I smile as I recall that Harry had made the same tea last night, but he knew how to make it my way. He was always that way. He always did things to please others. That's why he stayed on the sidelines for so long, he was more focused on my happiness, although happiness seems to be a foreign word to me.
"All right, Hermione, spill it," Ginny says as she plops down beside me on the couch.
"Gin, I need some advice." She smiles and nods.
"What did my prat of a brother do now?"
"Well, it's not all about him." I shake my head. Where do I start? "Let me start at the beginning." I proceed to tell her everything from the past twelve hours; everything from Ron not wanting to dance to Harry and I kissing. She is smiling. Why in the hell is she smiling? I hear a faint voice come from the other room and turn to see Draco rubbing his eyes as he settles into the armchair across from his wife.
"Morning, love. Hermione." His voice is husky from sleep. "And to what do we owe such early morning company today." Ginny shoots him a look. It wasn't a dirty look, but one more of concern, comprehension. "Oh, so I guess Potter has finally spilled the beans." I just want to smack that smirk off his face. Then I realize what he just said.
I look at Ginny and she nods. "Ginny, how long have you known?"
"I've known since your sixth year. Why do you think Harry and I split up? He was so stuck on you. I couldn't compete with his best friend. I loved him, but he was in love with you." You've got to be kidding me. This can't be happening.
"Did everyone know?"
Draco smiles and talks through the rim of his teacup. "Everyone but you and Ron."
I am dumbfounded. Now I feel utterly stupid. How could I not have known, when everyone else did? "All right. So everyone knows. What do I do?" My eyes are filling with tears that I didn't know were coming. I thought I had cried them all out last night and earlier this morning.
Draco stands up and offers me a handkerchief and sits down on the other side of me. The two of them exchange a look. I wish they would just stop that. I hate not knowing what is going on around me. Draco suddenly pulls me to face him. I'm staring into his blue-grey eyes that are full of concern, understanding and love. "Hermione, you have to follow your heart. Don't think about the past. Don't think about anything other than what you felt when Harry told you. Do you understand?"
I nod slightly. Ginny doesn't think I understand and she says so. "What my Dumbledore-wanna-be-husband is trying to say is this - what did you fell with Harry last night?"
"Whole. Content. Peaceful. Loved." The words come out before I even realize I said them.
"When was the last time Ron made you feel like that?" I look at my sister-in-law. Her eyes are glossy, I can see the pity in her yes. I don't want pity. But that's what this is. Pity. I have an ass for a husband and an angel for a best friend. I can't even remember the last time Ron made me feel all those things at once. I don't think I have ever felt whole with him. I softly tell her as much.
"Then, let my brother have his whore. He'll realize his mistake later, when it's much too late and you and the kids are happy with Harry." Oh God, the kids. They're at the Burrow with Molly. How am I supposed to face her? The tears flow a bit harder and Draco wraps me in a hug. I guess hell has frozen over. "Mum knows about Harry. Hermione, she is so angry at Ron. You have to remember that Harry is like one of her own too. She only wants everyone to be happy. If that means that you and Harry are happy and Ron has to suffer a bit, so be it." I feel Ginny's small hands rubbing my back consolingly.
I chuckle lightly at the idea of Molly sending a howler to Ron. Boy would I love to be a fly on the wall when that one comes. "I'm scared, Gin," I confess weakly.
She pulls me out of her husband's arms and wraps her own around me. "I know, Mione. But you have to do this. You have to look at what's best for you and what's best for Arthur and Candace. Ron is not giving you what you need. Harry will." God, I don't understand this. This is so unreal. How can she be telling me to leave her brother? Would Harry really make me happy? Would he be able to fill in where Ron has been lacking. I know the answer to that. I know that Harry would love me and the kids. I know that he would never hurt me. I know that he would make me happy. Why am I fighting this so much? A divorce is not necessarily a bad thing. If Ron wants Lavender, he can have her.
"Hermione, do you want me to go with you to get the kids from Mum?" Ginny knows that I'm nervous. Molly is not the best witch to piss off. Maybe a little company will help. I nod and she quickly leaves the room to get dressed. Suddenly, Draco is pulling me into another hug.
"I know, that we haven't been real close, Hermione. But I do want to see you happy, and my brother-in-law is an idiot. You deserve so much better than what he is giving you. I'm not saying to leave him because of Harry. But you need to do what is best for you. Harry may just be the one to pick up the pieces." Did Draco Malfoy just call him 'Harry?' All right, this either a dream, a bad joke or the people in hell are wearing mufflers and overcoats. I look at him disbelieving. He smiles that crooked smile that broke many hearts in Hogwarts. I know he's right. Maybe.
Ginny came back into the room with Annie in tow. With a quick kiss goodbye to her husband and a pinch of Floo powder she and her daughter were on their way to one of the hardest conversations I'm going to face. I thank Draco and he reassures me with a quick, "It'll all work out," and I'm off to face my mother-in-law.
Before I'm even out of the fireplace, Molly has me in a bone-crushing hug. "I'm so sorry, Hermione. Do you want me to send him another howler?" I try to laugh between sobs. Can I do this?
"Mum, let her breathe." Molly lets me go slightly and guides me to the kitchen table and yet another cup of tea. This time its right. Molly always tried to make it like home for me. I can't look at her. I can't breathe, let alone speak. Thank Merlin she starts.
"Hermione, I know that my son is an ass." Did Molly Weasley just curse? My world is turning upside-down and inside out. I never thought I would hear such a word escape her lips. "You deserve much more than this. I know what he's been doing. I just didn't want to see it. I didn't want to accept it. Last night I saw him go off in a corner with her and almost hexed him right then. I am so sorry, child." She is still hugging me as I sob into her shoulder. Was I so blind that I couldn't see Ron's infidelity? I guess I was.
After a few moments, I was able to calm down and Molly let me go from her embrace. I prayed silently that we were the only ones there. I didn't want to think about facing the twins or Percy at this moment. I take a deep cleansing breath. This is getting easier, I swear. "Molly, what am I supposed to do?" I ask weakly.
She looks at me lovingly. She has been my mother since my parents were killed during my seventh year. I knew I was just as much hers as Ron and Ginny were. Blood didn't matter to Molly. And what she said next only proved that. "Leave him. Let him fend for himself and live with his mistakes. Take the kids. You can stay here if you want." I see a glance between the two redheaded women. "Of course, Harry has room too. He would probably love to have you."
Oh God, she does know. I guess I didn't believe Ginny when she said so, but now I do. "Molly, you're not upset about this? I mean, if I leave Ron, you'd still help me?"
"Oh, Hermione. I love you like my own daughter. You have done nothing wrong. My son is the one who has to come crawling on his hands and knees to beg my forgiveness. I would take you in before I would him. Trust me. You don't need him. The kids don't need him. They barely know him. Arthur is nine and barely has seen his father. I think I see the boy more than Ron does. Candace is still so young; she thinks her daddy doesn't like her. That is no way for a child to feel. They need to be in a loving home. Ron is an imbecile, I'm not sue where I failed with him. He will never give you what you need. You need to do what will help you and your family, and if that means leave him to his own devices, so be it." I look at Ginny and smile. She hates to admit it, but she is exactly like her mother. They even sound alike.
So, everyone else in the free world thinks I should leave Ron. Am I really strong enough to do that? What about the kids? Ginny seemed to read my mind. Sometimes I think she is telepathic. "Mione, talk to Ron first. Then let the kids know. I will watch them for a couple days if you need me to. They've been bugging me to stay with Uncle Draco and me anyway. Why not?"
I thank her and take the last sip of tea in my cup. I can do this. God I wish I could talk to Harry. I need him right now. But that would make it worse, wouldn't it? I stand up sharply and nod as if to signify that I've made my decision. I step into the fireplace and say the name of our home. I always hated the name. He named it. "The Nest." In a swirl of green flames I am home.