Chapter 4
I stumble less than gracefully out of the fireplace in my once happy home. I see a shock of red hair pass through the door to the kitchen and I smell the antiseptic scent of cleaning. I always told him it wasn't clean until it smelled clean. I laugh to myself as I sit on the couch and think.
My home. This is my home, or is it? I see my pictures on the wall. My children smiling back at me. My wedding picture sets on the mantle, a memory of a love now tainted. I love him. I always have, I always will. How can I still love him after all of this? I shake my head to jog myself out of my musing.
I look around the room once more, my eye catching a new hole in the wall next to the fireplace. I look at it quizzically, mentally picturing what, or more likely, who put it there. I am startled out of my musing by a soft voice; a voice that I love.
"Harry," he says plainly. My eyebrows furrow at him. What does Harry have to do with the hole in the wall? Realization starts to hit as Ron speaks again. "Harry stopped by to talk. He got a bit pissed at me and took it out on the wall."
I chuckle. I know Harry meant well, but he can't just fix this one, this between me and Ron. I look at my husband. His eyes are sunken and red. He looks worse than I feel. Good. He needs to suffer a little. I scoot over on the sofa, inviting him to sit beside me. He obliges, but there seems to be a cold wall separating us. I am not sure who put it up, or if it's been there for a while and I just now noticed it.
He turns to me and grabs my hand. Where there once were sparks and tingles. Nothing. Already, nothing. "I'm sorry," he whispers almost too softly. I look up and find his blue eyes shiny with tears. I suddenly feel my eyes tear up too. I can't cry. He can't see me cry. "I'm sorry, love," he says a bit louder and I cringe at the endearment.
His fingers come up to lift my chin so I can see the emotion in his eyes. My heart is cold. I don't want to see his emotion. I want to see his suffering. "I still love you, you know."
"I know, Ron." My voice is flat. I cannot let him in. He can't know how much he has hurt me. I won't give him the satisfaction.
A few moments of silence pass and I find myself staring off into the garden. I can remember the kids playing out there. I can see Ron teaching Arthur how to fly his broom and Candace how to chase the gnomes off, because she was too little to throw them. I see them laughing, happy. He was such a good father. What happened? He seems to read my mind.
"Hermione? When was the last time you were happy? With me… us?" I continued to stare out the window. We had our happy moments, but honestly I can never remember being truly happy. I thought I was, but looking back, I guess not.
"Honestly, I don't know."
"Neither do I." I look at him now. I see the pain in his eyes. I can feel his heart breaking along side of mine. "When did everything change, Mione?"
I shake my head. I don't know. It just did. "Ron…"
He stops me with a finger to my lips. "Let me say this, please. I love you. I always have, but somewhere we fell out of love." I nod dejectedly. "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for dragging you around these past few years. I'm sorry for everything. You started out as my best friend, and I still consider you that. I know I don't deserve it, but I pray that someday you will be able to forgive me."
His voice is so small, like a child that got caught doing something bad. Well, technically he did. Didn't he? "Ron, did you sleep with her?" He nods and I feel another bit of my heart break away. "Do you love her?" He nods again. His eyes search mine for reaction. I am numb. I don't let my face belie anything.
"Hermione, I know we can't help where the fates aim us. I didn't intend on falling in love with her. I didn't seek her out. I swear. But somehow, talking to her at lunch, working with her, we realized that we had a lot in common. I know it was wrong to take it further than that, and I will forever have to live with the fact that I hurt you in the process. I was selfish and didn't think about you, about my family. I shouldn't have let it go as long or as far as I did. Honestly, I was somewhat relieved last night when it came out into the open. I hated lying to you and the kids, to everyone. I just kept burying myself further in and couldn't get out of it. And in the process I dragged you down with me." Tears were flowing freely from his eyes. Obviously he has had some time to think about all this. I stay silent. I don't know what to say. I want to pour salt in his wounds and make him hurt like I do… no, did.
"Hermione, if you never want to speak to me again, I understand. I want to be a part of your life and the kids'. I don't know what I'd do without you as my friend. We've been friends since we were eleven. I can't imagine my life without you in it."
"It may take a while Ron." My mouth speaks before I even know it. My tears have dried up. I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I feel betrayed, hurt. But this time, I know I can heal. I guess that's the first step. I smile at him lightly. "It may not take as long as you think. But give me some time."
He smiles back at me with that lopsided grin of his. "I just want you to be happy, Hermione. I know that I can't do that." I smile at him thinking of how happy I felt last night in Harry's arms.
"I want you to be happy too, Ron. I'm hurt, yes. But I know that you can't help who you fall in love with. If you fell in love with Lavender, you can't change that. I understand." He looks at me and grins. It's not that little pleased grin of his. No, this is the 'I know something' grin. He reminds me of the twins when he looks like that.
I know my attitude has changed toward this. Why fight the inevitable? Neither one of us has been happy for quite some time, why prolong it? He pulls me into a tearful hug and I let my emotions flow. I love him. I will miss him. But I need to move on. This is the closure that everyone seeks at the end of a relationship. I know that Ron and I will be friends. I'm not real fond of having to include the Hogwarts whore in that, but if she makes him happy. That's all that matters.
Ron and I sit together talking for some time, like we used to. It felt good. I think, no, I know that it will all work out for the best. We reminisce about school and our family. He tells me a bit about Harry's visit earlier this morning. I can just picture Harry's temper flying off the handle at his best friend. I've seen his temper at its worst and I don't envy Ron one bit. I look again at the hole in the wall and smile. Harry.
Ron seems to notice as my mind begins to wander and I enter into my own little world. He follows my gaze and sniggers. "I guess Harry Potter gets everything again," he says sarcastically. I look at him curiously. "Oh, Hermione. Why do you think he came here this morning? Why do you think he is always there for you when I wasn't? He loves you and I mean he's in love with you." Ron is looking at me, obviously awaiting my shock, but it doesn't come.
I smile brightly, staring again at the hole. "I know."
"I was always jealous because he was always the center of everything. He always got what he wanted. Or so I thought. I know, now that I've grown up, that he didn't want any of it. I guess, in a sense I got the one thing he really wanted." What the hell did he mean by that? I look at him again and see mirth twinkling in his eyes. "You."
My heart swells at the fact that Harry wanted me. I know he loves me. I know that he didn't date because of me. I just didn't realize that it went that far back. My cheeks flush red, I can feel it. I look away and then a thought occurs to me. "Ron, you didn't use me to make Harry jealous did you?"
He laughs. I'm being serious and now he laughs? "No, Mione. I had no idea until this morning. After he left I started to put the pieces together. The last girlfriend he had was Ginny, six years ago. He barely dated in school. He defended you to all of the girls he did date. He was always there to pick you up when I hurt you. I realized that he probably liked you before I realized that I did. He just didn't say anything because of you-know-who."
"Oh, hell, Ron. The man's been gone for almost eleven years and you still can't say his name?" I tease him and then what he said sank in. Harry probably liked me before Ron realized that he did. Ron realized that he liked me during sixth year. That means… Oh Hell!
Ron chuckles at me. I guess he could see where my thoughts ended up. I can't believe this, my husband is telling me that another man is in love with me and has been for over twelve years. Is this really how couples split up? We are famous for our rows. But there was no row. This seemed too easy, too smooth, too… I don't know. I look at Ron again and eye him closely.
"It seems surreal doesn't it? Shouldn't we be hating each other right now? Threatening custody battles and fighting over who gets the house and such?" I shake my head lightly in disbelief.
"How do you always read my mind, Ron?"
"Lot's of practice, love." He pulls me into a hug. I sink in deeply. This is goodbye. Goodbye to 'The Weasleys.' Goodbye to 'Ron&Hermione.' We are now two entities again. Ron and Hermione. I squeeze him tighter for a moment before he lets me go. "We'll talk to the kids together, all right?" I nod. "Tomorrow?" I nod again. I know that that conversation is going to be a lot harder than the one I just had.
"Go on home." What? I don't have a home. My home is this house, that I could care less about living in. I never really liked it anyway. "He's your home now." He says softly into my hair as he kisses my forehead.
"Thank you, Ron."
"For what?"
"Everything," I say as I get up and head to the fireplace.
"I don't understand. You're thanking me for all of it?" I nod. He shakes his head, confused.
"Ron, I would have stayed blind to everything if you would not have done what you did. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I'm just thanking you for opening my eyes to all the possibilities." I wink at him as I step onto the grate and I see realization dawn on his face.
"I love you, Ron."
As I toss the powder and twist toward Harry's home, I hear a faint, "I love you too, Mione."