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Hopelessly Addicted
Chapter 17
"Perfect world"
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No matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside
And I can't break through - there's no talking to you (…)
After all is said and done, you're gonna be the lonely one
Do you believe in life after love? I can feel something inside me say
I really don't think you're strong enough, no…
Cher, "Believe"
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Love was the most powerful of feelings.
Julia had learned that in the past few days, and she'd already understood why.
She had once heard that love covered a multitude of sins, and that was true. Her love for James made it possible for her to forgive several of his mistakes, and overlook his many little flaws.
"Love has long patience, does not impute evil, bears all things, believes all things, endures all things…" She wasn't so sure about those other attributes anymore.
Mrs. Rutilia, a very pious woman, had taught Julia that she should never judge anyone, and believe that everyone was essentially good. Julia wasn't certain that her beloved mother's advice could guide her right now. She had trusted James completely, refraining from speaking against Lily - and things had only gotten worse.
"Love never fails." Oh, Julia had lost track of how many times she had read the thirteenth chapter of the first epistle of Paul to the Corinthians… It had always been one of her favourite parts of the Bible. She had never doubted it before. She wasn't even sure if she doubted it now.
Was there still hope for them? Would James ever come back to her? Would things remain the same? Did he expect her to ignore what had happened with Lily, to pretend she didn't know about it?
Why did love never fail? Their love had failed, or so it seemed. Perhaps there was hope…
Julia didn't know why she was so keen on keeping James. Well, of course she knew - she loved him, and didn't want to lose him -, but she didn't know why she still loved him, despite everything.
In truth, love encompassed all sorts of feelings; she knew that now.
Julia had no doubt whatsoever that she loved James. But she also knew that, right now, she hated him more than she could ever hate another human being - including the bastards who had killed her sister, and even You-Know-Who himself.
How could he do this to her? How could he take their relationship so lightly? How could he simply ignore all that they'd shared together, and throw caution to the wind just to indulge in a lustful one-night-stand?
Was he really that heartless?
No, she told herself at once. James could be many things, but not heartless. She knew that, deep inside, he loved her.
But he'd cheated on Julia. He'd slept with Lily Ev- Potter. His bloody wife, not that they'd ever even lived together or anything.
Julia still couldn't believe he had done that to her. How could he? How could he?
Oh, he hadn't said anything to her, and neither had Lily. In truth, Julia avoided meeting her rival as much as possible these days … And to think they had once been great friends!
Not anymore. Lily had betrayed her in the worst way possible - she had stabbed her in the back without as much as considering the disastrous consequences of sleeping with James.
They thought they could hide it from her! Oh, Julia wasn't stupid. She hadn't paid much attention to their antics at first - she had pretended she couldn't see James only had eyes for Lily, and talked about her all day long…
Julia had managed to keep up the pretence that nothing was really happening for quite a while. She hoped James would come to his senses. She trusted that he would soon realise Lily was not the right girl for him.
Merlin, Lily's so-called qualities were nothing but a phony mask! In reality, she was nothing but a cold slut, whose favourite pastime was toying with people's feelings and screwing up their lives.
How could James think that she was for real? He was a warm, sensitive guy, who was always honest about his opinions and feelings… Lily only cared about what people thought of her; she just wanted to be worshipped by everyone. And she would stop at nothing to achieve that.
She put up a different façade around each person she knew. Julia had already noticed it; she had been stupefied to see how differently Lily acted around James, for instance. Or around Alain - poor guy! She had taken hold of him with her poisonous claws, and needlessly broken his heart…
Lily had never cared about him. She never cared about anyone, not for real.
Julia had already heard her making some wayward comments about Sirius, and she didn't doubt that the two of them had already had an affair at some point. If so, it had certainly happened behind James' back, while he and Lily were still dating.
Merlin, if Lily didn't care about hurting her best friend's feelings - Julia knew that Leylann really loved Sirius, deep inside -, then how could she ever have second thoughts before getting involved with James again, and breaking his heart once more?
Oh, Julia remembered his state after their first break-up! How could she not? All the Hogwarts students had been absolutely stunned by the Head Students' drastic change of behaviour after James' lethal affair with Kate Malshirn.
Now Julia doubted if Lily had even really loved James back then. No, she knew better than to believe that someone as heartless as Lily could ever feel real love. She had surely faked all that misery.
Why could James want to get involved with someone like that?
Julia was afraid of losing James, of course. And it would be even worse to lose him to someone who would only make him suffer more…
Yes, she loved him. She loved him, she hated him, she wanted to kill him, and she wanted to stay with him forever. Her heart yearned for him, her arms craved to hold him once more, and her eyes burned with the bitter tears she longed to shed…
Julia had been betrayed. She had seen it in his eyes, in his comfortable behaviour around Lily, in the intimate looks the two of them shared when they thought she wasn't watching…
Merlin, she hated him.
What did he want? What could he possibly want from Lily that Julia was unable to give him? What could he hope for in a relationship that would force him to pretend to be someone he wasn't most of the time?
Lily would never appreciate him for what he really was! James was really a gentle, unpretentious guy who enjoyed peace and quiet. He was surprisingly conservative at times, and always mindful of other people's feelings.
Oh, of course James could be a little controlling every once in a while, but for the most part he was really meek, and liked taking things slow. He wasn't possessive or jealous; he avoided arguing with Julia, and always apologised whenever he said something that hurt her.
Julia was sure that, like her, he dreamed of growing old with someone he loved. He wanted to stay with her; he needed stability. Lily would never agree to be with him for good. He couldn't possibly hope for that! Of all people, he knew that she was extremely fickle…
So was it only lust? Was that why he'd spent the night with Lily?
If that were the case, Julia would forgive him. Sharing his body with her wasn't half as bad as sharing his heart…
Oh, she couldn't bear the thought that James had actually fallen in love with that bitch. He couldn't have - he still loved Julia.
He still loved her… It was a comforting thought. He would forget Lily in time, and his love for Julia would remain untouched.
It was really very simple. She was exaggerating the situation - things weren't that bad. James was having an affair… big deal. Julia really expected to be in it with him for the long run, and there would always be other women.
Julia didn't mind; or at least she would force herself not to worry about it. He would still love her, no matter what. She would do whatever it took to keep James, and she would succeed.
"Now abide faith, hope, love, these three; and the greatest of these is love."
Yes, she would succeed. After all, love was the most powerful of feelings.
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Ils se sont cachés dans un grand champs de blé
Se laissant porter par le courant
Se sont racontés leurs vies qui commençaient
Ils n'étaient encore que des enfants (...)
Qui cueillerent le ciel au creux de leurs mains
Comme on cueille la providence, refusant de penser au lendemain...
Michel Sardou, "Une belle histoire"
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"So, what did I miss?"
"You left right after we went to the French Ministry, right?" Lily asked, grinning. Valerie nodded. "Merlin, you missed out on quite a bit."
"Really?"
"Yeah!" Leylann replied, chuckling. "Mrs. Potter here has done many… interesting things this week."
Valerie nearly fell off her chair - literally -, and started to laugh. "You're joking. Was that for real? I thought it was just a big misunderstanding with Rita Skeeter! You're really married to him?"
Lily laughed. The absinthe was already having quite an effect on them all. She could feel that characteristic light-headedness… "Yeah, it was for real."
"Oh, really? And how did that happen?"
"We -"
"Let me tell it!" Leylann interrupted. "It was the night before Valentine's Day, and the Marauders - that's the name of James' little gang, you've probably heard of it - decided to take their girlfriends to Hogsmeade, a village near our school. That, of course, included yours truly, and little Mrs. Potter here, back when she was Miss Evans."
Lily couldn't stop giggling. She had considered herself Miss Evans until one week ago, for goodness' sake!
"And then suddenly we realised that Lily and James had disappeared. They were just… gone. Knowing them, we dutifully ignored that - they were probably hiding in some dark corner, occupied with their own private celebration of Valentine's Day. So we decided to go out and walk around the village in pairs, waiting for the two lovebirds to meet us."
"Were you drunk?"
"No, just a little tipsy. Lily and James never needed alcohol to do these crazy things. We all ended up running into them more or less at the same time, near the outskirts of the town, shagging like bunnies out in the open."
Valerie guffawed. "How many of you were there?"
"Seven, in total, even though they didn't all see each other at once," Lily replied. "So of course we were automatically married. It never occurred to me I had to check the Registry… And now here I am - Mrs. Potter."
"When are you going to get a divorce?"
"I don't know."
"What do you mean, you don't know? You're just… okay with it?"
"She wouldn't dream of getting a divorce, now that her marriage is finally beginning to work!"
"You - you shagged him?"
Lily nodded smugly.
"All week long, anywhere, anytime. I feel like we're back at Hogwarts, except they don't live together anymore. But I'm sure that will be remedied soon enough."
"Lily and James lived together?"
"Well, almost. They were Head Students, see, and their rooms were connected."
"How… practical."
"Very much so."
Val emptied her glass, and gestured for Leylann to fill it again. "And what does Alain think about all this?"
"We broke up!"
"No, he dumped her."
"Yeah, that's more accurate."
Val stared at Lily, shocked. "Oh. My. God."
"Yeah."
"I can't believe it!"
"Uh-huh."
"I thought that was impossible."
"So did I."
"You - you shouldn't have waited so long to break up with him."
"I know."
"It must've really hurt your pride."
"It did."
"You're relieved, aren't you?"
"Of course."
"Yeah. But he shouldn't have been the one to do it."
"No, he shouldn't have."
"It's fair, though."
"Yeah, it's only fair."
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Lights go down; it's dark, the jungle is
Your head can't rule your heart
A feeling so much stronger than a thought
Your eyes are wide, and though your soul it can't be bought
Your mind can wander…
U2, "Vertigo"
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"Was he really as bad in bed as you used to say?"
"Oh, yeah. Or maybe worse."
Leylann grinned. "You know, the other day James asked me if you'd been faking it all these years."
Lily laughed. "Yeah, he happened to see Alain at my place. What did you say?"
"I suggested that you'd lied to him."
"Excellent."
Valerie raised an eyebrow. Just how intimate were Leylann and James? She didn't know, but in her opinion such matters definitely weren't normal conversation topics between two acquaintances.
"What do you mean, 'how intimate'?" Lily asked with a strange grin.
Valerie's eyes widened. She hadn't realised she'd said that out loud. "I - I mean -"
"I've already slept with him, if that's what you're asking," Leylann replied.
The poor girl was extremely shocked; Lily and Leylann started laughing hysterically again.
"How did Sirius feel about this? And - and what about Lily, was she around?"
"My guess," Leylann managed to gasp, still guffawing, "is that they both felt pretty damned good about it, since they were shagging just a few feet away as well."
"What?"
"We used to try different experiences like that every once in a while - you know, to keep things interesting."
"And the guys were okay with it?"
"Okay? Okay? It was their idea!" Leylann answered, shaking her head. "James is very handsome and all, but I'll always prefer Sirius. I wouldn't have suggested that if Sirius hadn't come up with it."
"It was his idea, then, not James'?"
Lily stretched lazily. The drowsiness was beginning to kick in, she realised all of a sudden. Oh, crap. It was much too early to go to sleep! "I suppose every guy fantasises about shagging his girlfriend's friends. James liked the idea when Sirius talked to him, but I'm quite confident he wouldn't have let any other man come near me."
"He's very possessive of you. I was a little surprised when he agreed, to be honest."
"Well, he trusts Sirius completely. Of course things might have changed a little since that stupid revenge of mine back at Hogwarts -"
"What revenge?" Valerie interrupted.
Leylann sighed, and explained, "After James cheated on her, Lily kissed Sirius right in front of him, leading him to believe she was having an affair with his best friend."
"Ouch. That must've been bad."
"It was."
"But why was he so mad, if he let Sirius sleep with you all the time?"
"For starters, it wasn't all the time. We only did it two or three times. Not to mention that those three times I had James' authorization, and he was close to us - it was a mutual agreement. It didn't bug me to see him with Leylann in that situation, and it didn't bug him to see Sirius with me. But I know that, if I'd caught him kissing Leylann on the grounds, I would have had a thing or two to say to them," Lily explained, glaring jealously at her best friend.
Leylann laughed. "Calm down, girl. That didn't even happen."
"I know! Good for you it didn't, or I would have mercilessly Disintegrated you and thrown your remains in the Great Lake."
Leylann grinned, and turned to face Valerie. "She gets very violent when it comes to James, see. He's not the only possessive one!"
"Oh, no, no, no. It's not like that at all. I'm not possessive, I'm just saying -"
"Of course you are," Leylann agreed sarcastically.
"You're lying."
"That's not the point. You got me to admit what you wanted. I have the right to believe whatever I want, and you will not convince me."
"All right, all right!" Lily threw her arms up, surrendering. "The prosecution rests its case."
Valerie laughed, and lifted her cup in a mocking salute. "Objection, Your Honour! I -"
"Overruled, overruled, whatever it is," Leylann intervened impatiently, reaching for the bottle.
"Shut up, Leylann. What is it, Val?"
The girl smiled sheepishly. "I want more absinthe."
"Oh." Leylann laughed, and gave her the bottle. "Sustained!"
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Do you wanna be somebody else? Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate? Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big, fake smiles and stupid lies, when deep inside you're bleeding
No, you don't know what it's like when nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like to be like me…
Simple Plan, "Welcome to my life"
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Remus Lupin liked living alone. Well, he'd learned to like it, at least, after a few years.
It was logic, really. If he had a roommate, he would have to choose someone who knew about his lycanthropy and had no problem with it. And it would be very, very hard to find someone like that.
There were the other three Marauders, of course. But Peter lived with his mother; she depended on his help, and refused to hire a professional nurse. As for Sirius and James… Remus would never have thought that those two wouldn't live together after Hogwarts.
He bore no resentment whatsoever. Sirius and James had known each other long before Hogwarts, and they were best friends. Naturally, they were very close to Remus and Peter as well, but it was a little different, and they all knew it.
James… James had always been the leader. Even when he was down, even when he was little but a wreck, the other three still looked up to him. It was something innate - a quality Remus couldn't describe. It seemed like he would always know what to do, and the best way to do it.
Everybody fell under James' spell with surprising speed. His entire world revolved around him; all his acquaintances experienced his magnetism, and only a few of them realised it. They could love him or hate him, but no one was indifferent.
It was fortunate that the three most magnetic personalities Remus had ever known - James, Lily, and Sirius, in that order - got along so well.
Remus couldn't help but grin. Yes, despite outward appearances, Lily and James did get along extraordinarily well. They both made too many concessions, if that was even possible. He worshipped the ground she walked on, and she was too spellbound to take advantage of it.
Lily would never take complete control of her life, not with James. No other man could have overpowered her this completely, and she knew it - and that was why she loved being with him.
Remus idly wondered what would have happened if Lily had stayed with Sirius instead of James. Would he have tamed her, too? Probably not… She was stronger than him; he didn't have enough natural authority to impose himself.
Suddenly, he caught himself, and shook his head. It wouldn't have happened. Lily and Sirius didn't have enough in common. It would kill him inside, little by little, to be domesticated by her, even if they loved each other.
Sirius had simple needs, and despaired when they weren't satisfied. Remus grinned, knowing that his friend resembled a puppy more than anyone he'd ever known. He remembered one specific busy day, not too long ago, when the poor guy had practically bounced around the place all afternoon until James, desperate, had offered to do Padfoot's part of the work, and begged him to go out and party.
Sirius had to have fun. It was really that simple.
Back in Auror training, he and James had been locked up with a few more people in a small space, and they had been forced to work together for a few days, with rationed food. Merlin… that had been a nightmare. Sirius had freaked out, and nearly failed the task. He couldn't stand to be confined; he couldn't stand not to have fun for too long. That was just who he was.
Sirius hadn't even bothered taking the elective Hostage 101 course. He knew that he could never handle being a hostage; it was useless to try and practice.
They were unlikely friends, all of them. Sirius' immaturity constantly exasperated the three of them. They were always trying to get Peter to be less of a pushover. James was the kind of guy who got along with everyone but never opened up to anyone; one would not have thought that he would have such a group of close friends.
As for Remus himself… Well, he'd never thought that he would have any friends, period. His condition isolated him from the rest of the magical community. Despite that, he was a gentle man - and he was trying hard to remain that way, but it was almost impossible.
Most people who learned of his true nature were scared of him. Either that or they gave him those patronising looks of fake pity. The uncomfortable smiles, the badly disguised frowns, the uncontrollable wincing! Oh, there were times when Remus hated the wizarding world.
And that was when he remembered that there were good wizards out there. Many, many of them. Wizards who had no prejudice against werewolves; people who would know better than to ignore him anytime other than the full moon.
Unfortunately, the woman he loved was not one of those people.
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I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes, but it's only me, and I walk alone
I walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps, and I'm the only one, and I walk alone
I walk alone, I walk alone…
Green Day, "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
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Remus threw a bitter look at the silver chains lying in a corner of his room - they had made him howl in desperate pain less than one week ago. Thanks to the soundproofing charm, the neighbours hadn't heard a thing… But the memory still made him shiver.
He hated spending the full moon locked in his room, bound to the wall by chains that burnt his skin and drove him mad. But he'd had no choice.
Remus didn't trust himself to face the full moon alone anymore. He'd gotten used to having Sirius and James there to control the Wolf; the prospect of meeting an innocent wanderer frightened him.
Last week, James had been too busy with work to come and be with him. That was fine; Remus could understand. But Sirius… Sirius had simply forgotten about the full moon, and had gone out with some girl.
Remus couldn't possibly have left the house alone with little Wormtail, who for obvious reasons couldn't control him. So he had been forced to remain at home and bear the torture of being restrained by the damned silver chains.
Oh, Sirius hadn't done it on purpose, and Remus knew it. It wasn't the first time that had happened. But it still had been a little hard to face him a few days later, at James' party, like nothing had happened.
Remus was learning to forgive. It was hard, without a doubt, but it wouldn't do him any good to hold grudges. Any accumulated hatred made it easier for the Wolf to take over - so he had to make an effort to remain moderate.
Sometimes he wished he could afford the luxury of holding grudges against people. That was a privilege most people took for granted.
But right now he only wished he weren't a werewolf. It was rather simple, wasn't it? His life would have been so much better if he hadn't been bitten all those moons ago, in that fateful December, 1962.
For instance, he would have been able to continue with Sylvie.
Remus took a sharp intake of breath, and tried to keep her out of his mind, just for a few more minutes. He had to save his grieving for after the break-up.
And he had only started going out with her three weeks ago! Oh, he got attached to women way too easily. It made him suffer, and it wasn't worth it. He just couldn't help himself.
Loving was part of being human. He hated it.
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I'm just another heart in need of rescue, waiting on love's sweet charity
And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams
Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone…
Whitesnake, "Here I go again"
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Remus walked to the kitchen and made some hot chocolate. He needed warmth; he wanted to feel comforted. He couldn't understand if he was indeed cursed to spend the rest of his life totally alone, but it certainly seemed so, and that disheartened him.
"Hey, Moony!"
As usual, Padfoot had quietly Apparated to one of the rooms and tried to surprise his friend. It was useless; Remus had heard him. It was amazing - even after all these years, Sirius still didn't know better than to try and trick his friend's sharp senses.
"Hello, Sirius."
"Oh, what's wrong?"
Remus took a sip from his cup, and maintained a carefully neutral facial expression. "Nothing. I'm fine."
Sirius shook his head, and pulled up a chair to sit next to him. "I can tell you're upset. Is it about last week's full moon?"
"No, of course not," Remus answered, drinking a little more. "It's fine, Padfoot. Really."
"I just forgot… I'm sorry. Things happen. And Prongs, you know he was busy. I'm sorry, Moony. It won't happen again."
"Yes, of course."
Remus looked preoccupied. Sirius could see it clearly, he just didn't know why. It was time to begin guessing.
"Is everything all right with Sylvie?"
"Yeah," Remus replied quickly - too quickly.
"Oh. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong."
"Moony -" Sirius began sternly.
"I'm breaking up with her soon, that's all."
"But why? You really like her…"
"I know. It's just - it won't work."
"She didn't believe your lie about the full moon?"
"She did. But… but she told me something that's bound to get in the way of our relationship."
"What?"
Remus smiled bitterly and finished his hot chocolate before continuing. "Her family was attacked by a werewolf while they were on holiday, many years ago. Her little sister died, and her father was heavily injured. They only realised he'd been bitten too late - he killed Sylvie's little brother before his wife managed to hex him. He died."
Sirius' jaw dropped. One couldn't tell that Sylvie and Dominic had had such a tragic childhood by looking at them. Poor things!
Oh, Merlin. The last thing she would want was to get involved with a werewolf. Remus was right - he had to end it, and soon, before she discovered his secret.
"I'm so sorry, Moony. That's awful."
Remus shrugged. Another heartbreak; more pain. Why did it still hurt to lose a partner, after all this time?
"I'll get over it."
Sirius looked at him with legitimate concern. But he knew Remus would rise above it - he always did. Moony was the only Marauder who dealt well with strong emotions.
Poor thing.
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It's just like we were meant to be
Holding hands with you when we're out at night
Got a girlfriend, you say it isn't right (…)
Why can't I breathe whenever I think of you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?
It's inevitable…
Liz Phair, "Why Can't I?"
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"So, what were we talking about?"
Valerie grinned. "Alain. And his tiny wiener!"
"Ah," Leylann said, also grinning. "I think we've talked enough about that."
"What about James, what's he like?"
Lily sighed. Damn, she missed him. Already. They had spent all afternoon together, but apparently that wasn't enough for her.
Did he miss her, too? Oh, he was probably with Julia, too busy pleasing his girlfriend to remember his lonely wife.
She chuckled. Had she just described herself as someone's lonely wife? Merlin, how depressing.
"Oh, he's better," she replied. "Much better."
"Bigger?"
Leylann laughed. "Val, even Peter Pettigrew is bigger than Alain. He's really that pathetic."
"You've slept with Pettigrew too?" Valerie asked, taken aback.
"No!" she replied at once. "He's totally not my type. No, James said that."
"Oh, I see. So, what about James? Is he bigger than Peter, then?"
"Yes, Valerie. Of course! Gosh."
The doorbell rang, and Leylann wobbled to see who it was. "Three to one it's Sirius," she stated cheerfully.
"Five to one it's James," Lily said at once.
"Right, as usual," he said, entering the room. "Hi, Leylann."
Noticing her state, he offered his arm as support until they arrived at the couch. Leylann sat down, giggling. "How chivalrous."
James grinned. "Hey, Valerie."
"Hi, James," she greeted, blushing. How could she look at him so soon after talking to Lily about him? "I'm sorry I didn't go to your birthday party. I was on vacation."
"It's all right," he said, sitting next to Lily and kissing her softly. "Hey, you."
"Hey," she breathed out, feeling all tingly inside. Oh, she was glad he'd come. He'd chosen her over Julia! Thinking of the credulous girl made Lily curious… What excuse had he used this time? "Where does Julia think you are?"
"Work," he replied, his voice muffled against her hair.
Lily contentedly leaned her head on his shoulder, and looked at the other girls. They were watching the couple benevolently, happy that they'd finally gotten back together.
"What am I interrupting?" James asked, wrapping a protective arm around Lily's waist and pulling her a little closer. "Should I ask what you were talking about?"
"You and your tiny wiener, actually," Leylann answered soberly.
"What?!"
Lily let out a soft chuckle. Valerie grinned broadly. Leylann soon started laughing too. James then realised that it had been a joke.
"We were comparing you and Alain; you know he doesn't stand a chance," Lily said, still smiling. "And Valerie was shocked to hear that you've already slept with Leylann."
"Ah, I see."
"Do you three have any plans of doing it again any time soon?"
"Why, Val, are you thinking of joining?" Lily joked.
"Nah, it's not really my kind of thing."
James threw Leylann a coy look, and she bit her lip. "I have nothing against the idea, you know."
Lily glanced at him. "You haven't done it in a while, right?"
"Since you left."
"Hmm, I wonder why you never suggested it to Julia."
"Are you kidding? The girl won't even accept -"
Lily interrupted him. "- I know. I'm her best friend, remember?"
"You are?" Valerie asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Well, I was."
"Yeah, you were. Not anymore," Leylann said, frowning. She didn't think Lily cared about losing that particular friendship. She and Julia had never had much in common anyway. "Never again. You can be sure of that."
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I will be waiting, always waiting for you to let me inside
Where your fire burns, in a city of angels
Just like a river rushing straight to the sea
I'm the one thing meant for you and you for me
Whatever you want, whatever you need
Whatever it takes, I'll do anything…
The Calling, "Anything"
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Minutes lazily turned into hours. The girls were getting more and more tired, but they didn't stop talking for a second. James would have fled the scene a long time ago if Lily hadn't made it quite clear that she wanted him there.
Listening to them was entertaining, in a way. James had never quite understood why girls always assumed guys had ulterior motives whenever they did or said something. But now he was beginning to wonder if the reason was that girls always had ulterior motives.
Oh, not Lily - not always, at least. Of course she manipulated him every once in a while, just like she toyed with everyone else's lives… He did it, too. But there were many times when the reasons for her actions were obvious - especially to him.
But right now, James wasn't sure why Lily wanted him there. He wasn't able to contribute much to the discussion, after all. Every once in a while, the girls required some male perspective on a specific situation, but it was rare.
His main function at the moment was being Lily's warm pillow, and he didn't mind at all. She was curled in his lap, leaning her head on his shoulder, and occasionally looked up and kissed him.
It was a very comfortable position, he had to admit. Naturally, he would much rather be shagging her in her room or something, but it felt nice to stay with her like this, just enjoying the closeness.
Lily clearly didn't want him to leave any time soon; she liked it, too. She probably wouldn't even have admitted that to herself, but she did.
"I didn't tell you that?" Leylann asked excitedly. "Right, I forgot. See, Jason gave me this really huge bouquet of daffodils - and you know what daffodils mean, right?"
The only problem was, he didn't know how much more girl talk he'd be able to handle. James sighed; there was only one solution to that.
"Val, pass me the absinthe, will you?"
.................................................
Amor da minha vida, daqui até a eternidade
Nossos destinos foram traçados na maternidade (...)
Por você eu largo tudo -- vou mendigar, roubar, matar
Até nas coisas mais banais, pra mim é tudo ou nunca mais
Jogado aos seus pés, eu sou mesmo exagerado...
Cazuza, "Exagerado"
.................................................
"I need to go back," James said quietly. "Julia might decide to check if I'm at the office or something if I take too long."
Lily sighed, and didn't answer. He was right.
"I'm getting sick of all this sneaking around… I have to break up with her," he stated, carefully watching Lily's reaction.
She seemed pleased for a second, but soon frowned. "Don't do it just because of me, James."
"By that you mean 'don't do it expecting me to get officially involved with you,' of course."
Lily grinned. "Exactly."
He nudged her playfully. "We're already married, honey. It doesn't get any more official than that."
Still grinning, she turned, kneeling on the couch and sitting in his lap. James embraced her and they kissed.
James didn't want to leave… Unfortunately, he hadn't broken up with Julia yet, so he was obliged to go now - and, if possible, get rid of her that same night.
"It's her birthday next week," Leylann called from her armchair. "It would be mean to dump her now, James."
"Good point," Valerie agreed.
They weren't entirely sure the couple had heard. Their initially gentle kiss had already become a shameless make-out session, and they definitely seemed very busy.
"I think you'll need to repeat that," Valerie said, grinning.
"I will, no problem. Aw, Val, don't they look perfect together? They're so cute!"
The two girls watched Lily and James with lenient smiles on their faces. They did look great together.
Valerie and Leylann couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous. Would they find someone that perfect someday?
.................................................
(You keep on denying who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying; hun, we saw you hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up! When are you gonna own up that you've got it bad?)
(…) You're way off base, I won't say it! Get off my case, I won't say it!
(Girl, don't be proud; it's okay, you're in love…)
Oh, at least out loud, I won't say I'm in love…
Hercules Soundtrack, "I won't say"
.................................................
"You love him."
Lily rolled her eyes. Not that again.
Leylann shook her head, annoyed. "It's obvious. It's so clear to everyone that I find it almost impossible to believe you haven't realised it yet."
"We're not in love, Leylann."
"So what, you hate him? Oh, yeah. Did you see all that hatred, Val?"
Valerie smirked. "Sure! They hate each other so much… It's scary."
"It's understandable why they think sex is the only possible release to all that detestation."
"Totally."
"It's not like that!" Lily wailed impatiently. "Of course I don't hate him!"
"Well, then what? You're just attracted to him?"
"Yes."
"And how do you explain the fact that you two were cuddling for hours here? That's not lust, Lily," Valerie stated categorically. "It's obviously way beyond that."
"Okay, so I like him. What's the big deal? Why do you insist on using that awful label? I'm not in love with him; I won't fall in love with him again, period. I just… enjoy being around him."
"You like spending time with him?"
"Yes."
"That's it?" Valerie asked one last time. "You don't think about being with him for good? Growing old and all?"
Lily grimaced. What was it with the two girls and their urge to know if she had suddenly decided to look for commitment?
"If I had to choose someone with whom I'd spend the rest of my life, of course I'd pick James. But that doesn't mean I want to stay with him for good now."
Leylann and Valerie grinned broadly. They had liked that answer; Lily was slowly beginning to accept the truth.
It was only a matter of time until she confessed her undying love for James.
.................................................
In a perfect world, this would never happen (…)
It makes no sense; I could just pick up the pieces
But to you, this means nothing, nothing at all…
I don't know what I should do now; I don't know where I should go
I'm still here, waiting for you…
Simple Plan, "Perfect world"
.................................................
James Apparated into his living room and was pleased to find all the lights off, and the flat peacefully silent.
He wasn't tired. The day hadn't been especially tough, and the prospect of spending four days without work was invigorating.
Turning on his bedroom light, he was stunned to find Julia sitting on his bed. Damn, the absinthe must have affected his senses. How could he not have noticed her presence?
She looked rather dejected, and James swore inwardly. Now he would have to deal with an annoying interrogation… And he couldn't even break up with her; Leylann had asked him to wait one more week.
Julia stood, and walked to him. She had clearly been crying; she morosely glanced at him, and he wondered just how much she knew about his latest escapades with Lily.
Once she was close enough, she noticed the scent of alcohol on his breath, and sniffed his shirt… Perfume. Lily's perfume.
Julia fought back tears with difficulty, knowing that her crying would only annoy him more. James had been with her; she was sure of it.
"Where were you?"
"At Leylann's," he answered at once.
Julia raised a sceptic eyebrow. "Right. You just decided to go to Leylann's for a drink or two. Merlin, James, at least come up with a decent excuse. You said you were going to work, if I'm not mistaken."
"I was there, but then I had to ask Lily something, so I went to Leylann's."
"You could've sent her an owl."
"Yes, but I wanted to discuss the matter with her, so going there was much more practical."
"How did you know she was at Leylann's?"
"She lives there now."
Julia was surprised by that information, but didn't show it. Well, why should Lily bother to inform her anything about her personal life these days? They weren't best friends anymore - they weren't even just friends. They were rivals.
"Oh. And why did you drink?"
"Well, I did what I had to do first. Leylann and Valerie were there, too, and we just drank and chatted for a while."
"What did you talk about?"
James sighed exasperatedly. "Random things. Come on, Julia. Enough with the third degree!"
"Oh, excuse me. I'm just not used to seeing my boyfriend come home in the middle of the night, drunk and smelling like another woman's perfume. Sorry!"
.................................................
It looks as though you're letting go; if it's real, I don't want to know…
Don't speak - I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining; don't tell me, 'cause it hurts
Don't speak - I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons; don't tell me, 'cause it hurts…
No Doubt, "Don't Speak"
.................................................
Julia clearly didn't mean the apology, and James grimaced. What had happened to meek, affable Julia? She was always snappy and clingy these days… Very annoying.
"I've already told you where I was."
Julia closed her eyes for a few seconds, taking deep breaths. She was clearly making a decision. "All right, James, listen. I'm willing to play dumb, I really am. It breaks my heart, but I don't want to lose you. I just need to know what kind of relationship you have with Lily - is it really only lust?"
James was truly shocked. He would never have expected such a selfless statement from Julia. What was he supposed to say? The truth, perhaps. But then again, he wasn't sure of what that was.
"She's seducing you, James; I can see it clearly. And you're falling for it."
"Julia -"
"I know, I know. You think your precious Lily would never be capable of such a thing. You think you know her. Merlin, she must be so glad she convinced you of that… Lily's a manipulative bitch, James. You can try to ignore it, but it's true."
"I -"
"I just want to make sure you know what you're doing," Julia continued. She couldn't hold it anymore - she started crying. "You're being a fool, James. You're trading someone who loves you more than anything for someone who doesn't, and can't, love you."
"I'm not trading -"
"I'm not stupid!" she shrieked, sobbing uncontrollably. "You've already slept with her, and we both know it. If you thought I wouldn't notice, well, then you've underestimated me! I'm not just going to sit around and let you cheat on me like that. We have a mature, deep relationship - let's talk about it, and figure out what we're going to do next."
James buried his head in his hands. After a few seconds, he decided to tell her at least part of the truth. "All right. I am attracted to her; I admit it. But -"
"I don't need to know," Julia hurried to interrupt him. Slowly, she was regaining her self-control; she'd already stopped crying. "Some things are better left unsaid."
He glanced at her, puzzled. Was Julia going insane? It definitely seemed like it.
"I just want to know if you're falling in love with her again, that's all. Do you still love me, James? Is it Lily's body you're after, or did she manage to get to your heart as well?"
James frowned, and his eyes betrayed his utter confusion. Julia seemed slightly relieved; if he wasn't sure, then there was still hope for her.
"I'm going to spend a week with my mother, in Rome," she said quietly. "I'm coming back for my birthday party, and we'll talk again. You spend some time thinking until then - think hard, James. And try to understand what that bitch is trying to get you to do. She has no real interest in you; she's just in it for the thrill of the chase."
"When are you leaving?"
"Now," Julia answered with a small smile. "You have seven days to figure out how you feel about Lily. I hope you manage to keep a safe distance from her during this time, so that you can achieve an objective, balanced view of the situation."
James nodded.
"Goodbye, James. I love you."
"Me too," he replied, as usual.
James immediately regretted saying it; those two words had never seemed so hollow. Julia didn't notice. After a quick kiss, she Disapparated, and he was finally alone.
Merlin, how wonderful! He was free for one entire week, and then he'd break up with Julia for good. Their arrangement couldn't have been more perfect.
.................................................
Isn't this the best part of breaking up?
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too
It's an itch we know we're gonna scratch…
Liz Phair, "Why Can't I?"
.................................................
Lily woke with a start, her heart beating quickly. She had heard a strange noise coming from the kitchen… Her brain had quickly interpreted the information and rang all the necessary alarm bells in her mind. There was someone in the apartment.
Lily glanced at the door leading to the hallway; it was closed. So the source of the noise definitely hadn't been any of the girls.
She silently reached for her wand, clutching it tightly.
There was a small flash of light, and Lily froze. Had she been caught? Soon, however, everything was dark and still again.
Trying hard not to make any sudden movements, she lowered one leg to the ground. The cold touch of the floor made her gasp. She suddenly felt very cold, and wished she had remembered to put on a jumper or something before walking around the house in a sheer nightgown; it was almost winter, and the weather was already very chilly.
The only sounds Lily could hear were her own heavy breathing and her heart thumping. Who could it possibly be? Well, a Death Eater, of course, but… Oh, she didn't want to die like this. Alone, at home, wearing just a skimpy black silk camisole. Cornered, defenceless, trapped. Alone.
'Oh, for goodness' sake, shut up.'
Right. So she was about to die, and all she could think of were her bloody clothes. And the sadness of dying all alone.
Great.
Squinting, Lily noticed there didn't seem to be anyone else in the living room… So maybe it was safe to stand up and run to the kitchen. But then again, the intruder could have gone to some other room - or maybe he was invisible.
Everything happened very abruptly. A hand quickly pushed her wand to the floor, while the other slipped underneath her back and pulled her up a little; there were suddenly warm lips kissing her, strong arms holding her… Reflexively, she wrapped her legs around the person's waist.
Lily groaned and lightly tugged James' hair to keep his face away from hers while she glared at him. Oh, of course it had to be him - no other man would have dreamed of doing this.
She couldn't see his face well in the dark, but she could feel his grin. Her chest heaved with irregular breathing. "Merlin," she said, sternly looking into his playful eyes. "Merlin, James, I -"
"Shh," he whispered, glancing at her nightgown, wondering if he should bother removing it now. "You don't want to wake the others, do you?"
"What do you want?"
James just smiled, and Lily rolled her eyes at her own stupidity. Indeed, it was a silly question.
"Why are you sleeping in the living room?"
"Valerie's sleeping in my room."
"Oh. Why?"
"Bernard was beating her up," Lily explained. She felt James' eyes flash; he clenched his jaw. If there was one thing he had never tolerated, it was cowardice. He'd never hexed people who weren't capable of defending themselves, not even back when he was a bullying toerag. "I filed for obliviation, and she has to stay here while the French bureaucracy processes my request."
"I see. You can stay at my place, if you want."
Lily looked at him with genuine surprise. "What about Julia?"
"She's in Italy. We're… sort of taking a break at the moment."
"What if she decides to come back all of a sudden, or something?"
"She won't."
Lily seemed thoughtful for a while. Valerie would be safe with Leylann. Julia… Well, Lily just didn't care enough about her to worry.
The real issue here was whether she wanted to spend four days with James. And the answer, of course, was enthusiastically positive.
Dutifully ignoring that small part of her mind yelling (just for a change) that getting involved with James for real like this was dangerous, Lily smiled.
"Yeah… Sure, I'll go."
.................................................
Watching every motion in my foolish lovers' game
On this endless ocean, finally lovers know no shame (...)
Through the hourglass I saw you, in time you slipped away
When the mirror crashed, I called you, and turned to hear you say
If only for today, I am unafraid...
Jessica Simpson, "Take my breath away"