Hopelessly Addicted
Chapter 8
"Giving Off Sparks"
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(How do you know when love is gone?) There's so much more within me…
(How do you know the passion's gone?) I know I just can't feel it!
(How do you know when love is gone?) Oh, baby…
(How do you know the passion's gone?) I know we have to move along!
Someday you'll forget me…
The Corrs, "Someday"
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"What's it going to be, Miss Evans?"
Lily sighed. She wasn't in the mood to decide anything. "Firewhisky's fine, Tom."
"Firewhisky it is, then."
Lily would have liked to talk to Leylann now, but her boyfriend was at her place, and she probably wouldn't have appreciated the interruption. Especially considering that Lily didn't have any real problems…
Except that she did.
And James… Lily sighed. James had had to go back home, to his stupid girlfriend. And now she was alone. Everyone was too busy; everyone had other things to worry about. And Lily was all alone.
For the first time in years, she hated that feeling. She needed someone - anyone.
No. Not just 'anyone'. She needed him.
The bartender brought Lily her drink. She sipped on it and made a face. Lily didn't like Firewhisky much, but it got her drunk reasonably fast. For a moment, she considered going to Paris to get some good absinthe, but the idea didn't seem all that pleasant. It would be likely to run into someone she knew there - and she'd had enough of unexpected encounters today.
"Lily?"
She closed her eyes and snorted. Of course. Again. Fate had clearly established Pick-On-Lily Day. She turned to see who it was.
"Oh, hi, Mel. Have a seat," she invited, somewhat relieved. Amelia wasn't unpleasant; it could have been much worse.
As soon as Amelia sat, Lily noticed that the girl looked definitely miserable, and was about to start crying.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I -" Amelia resisted the sobs, and bravely went on. "I just need a drink."
"Firewhisky?"
"That'd be great."
Lily motioned for Tom to get her a refill and a cup for Amelia. He left the whole bottle with them - surely the two girls would manage to drink most of it tonight.
"What happened?"
Amelia took a deep breath. "I have to quit. I can't be an Auror anymore."
"Why is that?"
"I can't work with - with him. I can't risk seeing him all the time."
Lily's heart skipped a beat. "Who?"
"Fabian. He comes over all the time, and I always have to hide… I'm so sick of it! I want to work somewhere I can be in peace… And there's Gus, too; I can't risk dying and leaving an orphan behind."
Lily stared at her, wide-eyed. Of course she'd noticed Amelia's avoiding Fabian Prewett, but she had never bothered to find out why.
"Edgar's already in that - thing of yours," Amelia continued, looking at her significantly. Lily nodded. "We're practically all the family Gus has. My parents are already too old to take care of him. My other brothers work far away. I can't continue being an Auror. It's too dangerous."
"James and I will need a little time to find a replacement, but we'll manage. Where are you going to work?"
Amelia shrugged and finished her cup. Lily pushed the bottle closer to her.
"You're very good at this, Mel - would you at least consider, say, Law Enforcement?"
She seemed thoughtful. "I don't that would be too bad."
"I know some people there; I'll try to pull some strings, then."
"That's very nice of you. Thanks, Lily."
"Would you - can I -?" Lily hesitated and sighed. "What happened with you and Fabian? I remember you two used to date at Hogwarts…"
Amelia grimaced.
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to -"
"No, no," she interrupted. "It's fine. I need to talk to someone anyway, or else I'll go insane."
Lily poured herself and Amelia some more Firewhisky, and waited.
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Goodbye, there's just no sadder word to say
And it's sad to walk away with just the memories
Who's to know what might have been?
We'll leave behind a life and time we'll never know again
Please remember, I was there for you and you were there for me
And remember, please remember me…
LeAnn Rimes, "Please Remember"
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"Fabian and I fell in love back at Hogwarts. Oh, Merlin," she breathed out with a sad smile. "I loved him. I was so sure he was my soul mate… We graduated two years before you. We had already made all sorts of plans - I was going to start Auror training, and he was going to work in Gringotts. After a few years, we'd get married…"
Lily bit her lower lip, easily recognising the similarities.
Amelia's tone was now bitter. "His father was an Auror, too. I don't know if you met him. Mr. Prewett was one of the most influential Chief Aurors ever - he had been a personal friend of all the Ministers for Magic in the past decades, and was a necessary acquaintance for anyone who wanted to do well in British politics. Anyway, he - he didn't like me. He forced Fabian to break up with me shortly before Graduation."
Tears welled up her eyes, and Amelia blinked rapidly. "Of course, Fabian didn't take his father's determination very seriously. He really loved me; he didn't want to let go of me so easily. We continued seeing each other. Every time Mr. Prewett found out, he forbade Fabian of meeting me again; and Fabian kept disobeying him. We tried to break up a few times - but it hurt too much… And then one day…"
Amelia choked, and started sobbing. She clenched her jaw resolutely and her nostrils flared - she couldn't cry, she wouldn't… Her shaking hand clutched her glass tightly and brought it to her lips.
"One day, a few months later, Fabian and he had an exceptionally fierce argument. Mr. Prewett kicked Fabian out of the house. He quickly bought an apartment for himself, and asked me to move in with him. And then - before I could get there, before anything else could happen… Death Eaters murdered Mr. Prewett while he was out on a mission."
Lily held her breath. Amelia's misery touched her - she could understand the girl's pain. But she never could've guessed that her work colleague had been through so much…
Lily met Fabian every once in a while - he was one of the bravest Aurors she'd ever met. His refusal to join the Order had always seemed strange, but now she wondered whether that had anything to do with Amelia.
"Fabian was wrecked with guilt. He - he broke up with me; he knew that would have probably been his father's dying wish. I was absolutely devastated. Eventually, I ended up marrying a distant cousin my mother had chosen. I just didn't care anymore. Only God knows how I finished Auror training."
"But Fabian became an Auror, too - how did that happen?"
"He wanted to fight Death Eaters - he blamed himself for his father's death. He started training one year after I did."
"You haven't talked to him since then?"
Amelia smiled manically. "Oh, no - I talked to him. Once. I can't have him anymore, even though he still loves me," she said, and then continued in an excited whisper, "but I have him, Lily. I have him!"
Lily blinked, frowning. The change in Amelia's behaviour had been extremely sudden and unexpected. "What do you mean?"
"I have a part of him… It belongs to me - and no one can take it away! I have his son…"
Lily's mouth hung open. "And… he doesn't know?"
Amelia shook her head, giggling. "I was married at the time - my son has my ex-husband's name. I divorced him soon after I got pregnant. I'd had Fabian again - I had his son… I had a reason to live."
Lily was stupefied beyond words.
Amelia sighed, and sobered. "Please don't tell anyone about this."
"Of course."
Amelia stood and smiled. "Thanks, Lily. I really needed to talk to someone. I'll continue working with you guys for the next few weeks, don't worry."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Bye."
Amelia waved and left the Leaky Cauldron, and Lily stared after her.
That could've been her. If Lily had dwelled on the memories of James all these years - if she hadn't managed to get over him… She would've been that miserable.
Merlin, she couldn't possibly fall for him again! What if he destroyed her life again? What if she became like Amelia, clinging desperately on to the memories of the past? She couldn't risk it…
No, she couldn't fall for James again. Never, ever, ever!
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Hey, kids, rock'n'roll, that's how I lost control
Hey, kids, go get high, I can't remember why
Up all night, I waste my time - I'm fine, but a day behind
Up all night feeling stupid and happy, but the days are overlapping…
Aimee Allen, "I'd Start A Revolution"
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Lily woke up on Monday at five-thirty in the morning with a splitting headache. The previous day seemed strangely surreal. Had she really done all that? Had she really fooled around with James, had a date with Ben and nearly passed out at the Leaky Cauldron after drinking too much?
Merlin…
Her head hurt like hell… She desperately needed some Hangover Cure Potion…
The bitter taste in her mouth made her sick to her stomach. She remembered throwing up the night before, in the middle of the Leaky… She could have killed herself right then, just to end that searing pain and the nausea, but at the same time Lily knew that she hadn't felt this alive in years…
She could feel life pulsating in her veins - life, excitement, desire, challenge… She was at the same time ashamed of her actions and proud of herself, depressed and keyed up, bound and free…
'Stop thinking about it…' she told herself sternly.
Indeed, it hurt to think… And there was also that strange, void feeling in the pit of her stomach telling her she was missing something… someone…
Lily went to the kitchen and tried to find some Hangover Cure Potion. Oh, great - there was none. Oh, well… surely Marlene would be able to brew some at the office.
Unfortunately, her mind still felt slightly fuzzy, and she still wasn't thinking properly. It was painfully hard to remember what had happened last night… Suddenly, she remembered that she'd smoked the night before. Aw, what an awful combination, cigs and alcohol - she really shouldn't have done it… She definitely hadn't been thinking straight.
Lily almost laughed. Smoking was a habit she undeniably associated with Ben; she hadn't done it since their last meeting. He'd taught her that it was an excellent way to unwind, especially after in the middle of a rough work day or on a hectic night.
Ah, yes… that's what she needed right now! She had to smoke, to clear her mind a bit.
Too lazy to go look for the pack she'd bought the night before, she simply transfigured a napkin into a cigarette, and lit it with her wand.
Breathing out smoke contently, Lily began to relax.
Yes… She wanted James? Well, she'd get him in time. And she wouldn't fall in love with him! She just wouldn't, period. She was tougher now - she knew how to protect herself against those feelings.
Absent-mindedly, Lily found an ashtray and rested her cigarette on it, pondering that she would have to force herself to eat, or at least drink something now. Ugh, no, no way.
Her headache was slowly beginning to diminish, but she cursed herself for not remembering to drink some water the night before, which would certainly have helped her feel better now.
Oh, she had to hurry, or else she'd be late… Lily had no idea of how she'd behave around James today… She had to think about it, but her speed of thought still seemed to be a little damaged, and she would heed a while to get back to normal.
Of course the lack of sleep didn't help her situation at all, but -
Boy, Lily hated hangovers.
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Here I am again, somewhere in between
Trying to find reality in a dream
I'm afraid to say I need someone like you
Hate to love…
Shania Twain, "Hate To Love"
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What to wear, what to wear? Lily didn't want to look too serious - she didn't want James to think that she'd put what had happened behind her -, but she couldn't be inappropriately indecent, either. Oh, she wasn't really in the mood to make such a vital and horribly difficult choice…
With a grin, Lily remembered James' comments yesterday, while she'd been trying to pick an outfit for her date with Ben. 'I think you always look hot no matter what. If you want help picking lingerie, though…'
Lily smirked. Alain usually had something tasteful to say about what she wore - sophisticated, experienced comments… They were so different, he and James… how would she manage to deal with both of them at once? And why did she have to keep leading her boyfriend on, if she was completely sure of whom she really wanted?
She was wrapped in a towel, leaning against the windowsill, smoking. Her closet was open behind her but right now she definitely lacked the -
"Lily?" called Valerie from the living room.
She grinned. Valerie knew better than to hesitate before Apparating to Lily's living room, especially in the morning. Alain was never awake this early… and, being the awfully conservative guy he was, of course he had never appreciated most kinds of spice in their sex life, even one as mild and, well, normal as fooling around in places other than the bedroom.
Why was Lily with him again? Oh, right… She had affairs for that kind of thing. What she wanted from Alain was only security. Of course his canine faithfulness and protectiveness annoyed her often… All in all, she knew that she wouldn't endure him much longer.
"I'm in my room, Val!"
After a few seconds, Valerie entered.
"You're smoking?" she asked, staring.
Lily breathed out some smoke; it took her a while to answer. "Does it look like I am?"
Valerie blinked a few times, trying to understand what had happened. "You… met that guy? What's his name again? Ben, right?"
She nodded.
"Did you sleep with him?"
Lily laughed dryly, and continued smoking in silence.
"I'll take that as a 'yes'… By the way, where's Alain?"
She sighed. "No idea."
Valerie checked her watch, puzzled. "Don't you always like getting to work early?"
"I can't decide what to wear," Lily replied quietly.
"You have quite a few nice clothes."
"I don't want to look nice," she muttered, scowling. "I don't need him to see me as 'nice'."
"Who?"
"Guess, Valerie."
Val blinked a few times, startled. What on earth was going on? "Okay, Lily, come on. Tell me what's happening. I haven't seen you in a few days, and apparently a lot has changed since then. I'm really in the dark here."
She took another drag from her cigarette, and frowned. "Short version? I'm screwed. My love life is quite possibly the most ridiculous, pathetic and senseless one in the history of the universe."
"And… long version?"
"I can't stand to look at my boyfriend's face anymore," Lily replied impatiently, tapping off the ash. "I'm totally in lust with a guy I can't have… Oh, and Ben's married, too. I'm just so utterly frustrated that I had to go out last night and get totally sloshed. So right now I feel like shit. And I have to go to work and meet James."
Valerie was still confused. "You're in lust with… Ben?"
Lily glared at her. "No! I couldn't care less about him!"
"Then who -"
Lily's laugh was hollow and ironic. "Think, Val. Who could I possibly be talking about? What kind of guy can't I get?"
"Well," Valerie replied pensively. "I'm probably supposed to deduce that he's someone with whom you work - that's always been one of your major no-nos… Right?"
"Perhaps… Merlin, you're thick sometimes. What else?"
Val frowned. "Someone whom a friend of yours likes, I guess… And… Let me see… Well, a guy who doesn't like you, or doesn't want to be with you for some reason - maybe an atypically faithful guy? Euh… Am I missing something here?"
Lily half-smiled. "It doesn't matter. Most of the things you say apply to him just fine."
"Who is he?"
"You still don't know?"
"How am I -"
"James, Val!" she exclaimed. "James bloody Potter!"
Valerie gaped. "But… But you - I thought you hated him!"
"No, I didn't!" Lily snapped. "The day I hate James Potter is the day pigs fly! I just… I'm attracted to him, that's all. Too much for my own good."
Valerie stared at Lily. "Does he know that?"
"Of course he does," she muttered, walking to her closet. "And it's killing him, too."
"So - he likes you?"
Lily shrugged. "I'm not sure he does. He wants me - that's all I know. And all I care about, really."
"But you work with him! It'll be a distraction! And what's going to happen after you dump him?"
"I have no idea… But that doesn't really matter. It's just lust; I'm sure it won't be a messy break-up."
Valerie was slightly sceptic. But then again, Lily's break-ups were never messy… for her, that is. She had left quite a few guys broken-hearted along the way.
Val definitely couldn't understand her friend's looking down on commitment and love. Personally, she thought that, deep inside, Lily was still waiting for Mr. Right. It wasn't possible to disdain love that much - just to avoid being hurt.
"I see. Well, I hope you have fun. And - who knows? Maybe this one might actually become something more than just a fling… You've been in love with him before; what if you fall for him again? Wouldn't that be great?"
Lily's eyes widened.
If Valerie didn't know better, she would say that Lily was terrified. But of course that couldn't be it.
Lil wasn't afraid of anything; she was the bravest, toughest person Val had ever met…
"I - I won't," she stuttered. "It wouldn't be great, not at all." Lily glanced at her watch, and added, "I really have to go."
Lily threw her closet a contemplative look. It was now or never.
With a smirk, she picked up the minuscule slutty dress James had liked and got dressed. Wordlessly, Valerie chose some shoes, not understanding fully why Lily had chosen such a provocative outfit.
Some handy spells replaced make-up and hair gel; after a few seconds, she was ready to leave.
"Can I ask you something?"
Lily turned to face Val, and waited.
"Why are you still with Alain? I mean, really? You keep leading him on, and, to be honest, I feel sorry for him sometimes. He thinks you love him!"
Lily sighed. "I - I don't really know. I just like having someone in whom I can trust, to an extent. I kind of need the safety. Alain is really calm, he'll always be there when I need him and he'll never cheat on me."
"Well, yes, but he's so not your type!"
"Exactly! He's horrible in bed, dull and absurdly boring! That is why there is absolutely no chance I'll ever fall in love with him!"
Val seemed surprise. "You're afraid of falling in love?"
Lily clenched her jaw. "You have no idea of what I've been through because of infatuations like that, Valerie. Believe me, I really am not at all anxious to fall in love again."
"You can't really control things like that, you know," Val muttered, frowning. "If you're meant to fall in love, you will. There's nothing you can do about it."
Lily bit her lip.
"Yeah," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "I know that."
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Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do, and I'm always in the dark
We're living in a power keg and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight…
Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
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"Spill it."
James looked up, startled to meet Sirius at this time of the morning, and reached for the cream cheese, putting some on his toast. "What?"
"I didn't say anything last night because Julia was here, but… come on, Prongs. Where were you?"
"What do you mean?" James asked, trying to buy himself some time. Would Lily be angry if he told Sirius what had happened?
"What do I mean? Well, for starters, you went to work on Saturday and only returned late on Sunday morning, which is quite unusual -"
"I always -"
"Yes, but not this much. You never spend this much time there. Plus, you were sort of weird and distant for the rest of the day - the brief hours you spent away from the office, that is. As soon as you got back home, Leylann - Leylann! - called, and you left in a hurry. You came back all disappointed and sulky, making it abundantly clear that you really wished you were somewhere else. There. Would you mind telling me what on earth is going on, Prongs?"
Oh, what the hell. James had already made the mistake of hiding his relationship with Lily from his friends twice - he'd learned his lesson. He wouldn't do that this time; he'd be honest from the start.
"I was with Lily," he admitted, hoping that Sirius would perhaps interpret his statement innocently.
Obviously, no such thing happened. Sirius immediately looked up to meet his gaze, his dark grey eyes earnest and preoccupied. "Prongs -"
"It was nothing," James hurried to clarify. "I just - we agreed that we can't risk a messy break-up, so we're not doing anything."
An incredulous snort was Sirius' only reply.
"I'm serious, Padfoot. Really. I can't -"
He groaned impatiently. "Oh, come on, James. Who are you trying to kid? Are you really going to keep on pretending she's not in your head all bloody day long? Do you think she won't notice? Lily's not Julia!"
"You think I don't know that?"
"Do you think we hadn't noticed it? You talk about her all the time… You bury yourself in work because that brings her closer to you… You're so frustrated you've started to snap at Julia -"
"She - I - I didn't even yell at her last night or anything! She's just so - annoying sometimes!"
"It's not her fault she's not Lily!" Sirius retorted sharply. "Honestly, Prongs, can't you see that Julia's really a victim here? It's not fair, what you're doing to her."
"What do you suggest? That I break up with her?"
Sirius sighed. "Am I supposed to assume that you'll manage to keep your hands off Lily?"
"Well," James hesitated, "yeah. I guess."
Padfoot shook his head. "I wish I could believe you, Prongs, but I don't. Break up with Julia - you don't even like her. You'll just end up breaking her heart at some point. It's better to do it now than -"
"Lily won't let me in her pants now - we really have an agreement."
"Her self-control is as good as yours! You two just go nuts around each other, and you know it!"
"There's nothing I can do, Sirius!" James exclaimed, frowning. "The girl just - you have no idea what it's like! She likes the chase; she likes making me drool after her. You'll see… She's not going to let me shag her any time soon. We'll just keep running around in circles."
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "She'll give in, eventually. Don't do anything you might regret, that's all I'm saying."
James ran his fingers through his messy hair. "Lily's a real tease, Padfoot. She's great at this taunting thing… I've never met a woman who likes the chase as much as she does. One would think she wouldn't waste her time torturing me, but she will. I should have gone all the way this morning - she'll be vindictive now."
"I'm sure she won't protest if you -"
"She won't let it come to that. She'll make sure we're never alone in the room. Oh, God…"
Sirius laughed. "If she's nearly as helplessly attracted as you are, the chase won't last too long."
James looked at his friend soberly. "I sure as hell hope it won't."
"Don't worry, Prongs. Really."
He stood up, glancing at his watch. "I have to go, or else I'll be late for work."
Sirius grinned. "Can't wait to see her, right?"
"No, Padfoot, I just hate being late for work, that's all."
"Oh! Don't forget that the Most Attractive Auror elections are this week! Tell Lily to pass by the Ministry to show off a bit - and please don't bother to accompany her. I really do want to win this year."
James raised an eyebrow. "You won last year; you can't win two years in a row."
"Oh. Right. Well, then… Go flirt with the Ministry girls as soon as possible. We don't want to risk Gideon or Fabian winning, can we?"
"They haven't won in years, Sirius. It's always between the two of us."
"Well, yeah, but still."
"Lily's going to win this thing very, very easily."
"So will you, if you show up at Headquarters before the voting starts. People have probably forgotten you exist, Prongs. You hardly ever go there anymore! Lily's keeping you too busy."
James smiled. "I wish, Padfoot. I really do."
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