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Hopelessly Addicted
Chapter 18
"Falling"
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Wednesday, November 22nd, 1978
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On s'est aimé, n'en parlons plus, et la vie continue
Ça va pas changer le monde, ça va pas le déranger
Il est comme avant, le monde; c'est toi seule qui a changé
Moi, je suis resté le même - celui qui croyait que tu l'aimais
C'était pas vrai, n'en parlons plus, et la vie continue...
Joe Dassin, "Ça va pas changer le monde"
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"Maman, maman!"
Charlotte d'Épernay glanced at her daughter with exasperation. She loved the little enchantress, there was no doubt about it - it was impossible to resist her genial smiles - but life would be so much easier if Fleur didn't demand constant attention!
At the moment, the one-year-old was extremely annoyed, and wouldn't be easily appeased. A man whom she did not know had simply entered the room and monopolised Charlotte. Of course the little girl couldn't stand by and let him do that!
Fleur in a temper was not a pretty sight. Charlotte could recognise the signs easily, and hurried to pick up her child.
Alain watched them, transfixed. Mme D'Épernay was a Veela, and had passed the gift of mesmerising people on to her daughter and granddaughter. Charlotte had always taken advantage of it; he knew that she was captivating him on purpose right now, but didn't really mind.
She ran her fingers through her long blonde hair and smiled amiably at Alain. He grinned instinctively; it was always like this with her. Looking deep into her blue eyes, he wondered what it would have been like to marry such an enticing woman. Would he have been happy? Would he have even remembered to ask himself that question?
Well, Alain had already made his choice. He had defied his entire family by breaking up with Charlotte and dating Lily Evans instead… She was Lily Potter now, who had ditched him to be with her husband, the same Lily Potter whom he had dumped just because he couldn't bear the thought that his girlfriend's heart belonged to another man.
And now here he was, with Charlotte again. Oh, no, not like that! He was just visiting. She had called Alain, presumably after hearing that he'd broken up with Lily. The once self-important Mlle D'Épernay had fallen from her high horse less than a year after she and Alain had broken up - she had been knocked up by some guy whom she hadn't married.
Oh, the scandal! Poor Mme D'Épernay had been shocked. The family couldn't alienate the elderly couple's only heiress, so they had convinced her to get rid of the baby. However, Charlotte had changed her mind after discovering that she was expecting a girl.
She did not regret that decision. Fleur d'Épernay was everything for which Charlotte could have hoped… But he half-Veela's reputation had been tarnished. And that, Alain suspected, was why he had been summoned to her today.
Fleur was still looking at him with distrust, but the reassurance of her mother'sarms made her less wary.
"'Ello," she greeted.
"Hello, Mlle D'Épernay," he replied in French. The mere sound of English unnerved him these days.
Fleur flashed him a radiant, glittery smile before turning to her mother, and Alain groaned inwardly. Charlotte was clearly an efficient teacher; the girl was already quite capable of enchanting others. "Veux manger!"
"What's the magic word, darling?"
Fleur sighed impatiently, and Alain was stunned. He had never met a toddler this reactive before. The girl was certainly very premature.
"Lucy!" she called in a surprisingly loud voice. Charlotte rolled her eyes, but wasn't surprised at her daughter's irritation; this was clearly a usual occurrence.
A maid entered the room after a few seconds, and took Fleur to get nourishment. Charlotte and Alain stared after them for a few seconds before once more turning to face each other.
She softened visibly when gazing at him, and he couldn't help noticing that the Veela in Charlotte was much stronger than in her daughter. Perhaps that would come with time to little Fleur, but it was unlikely.
"She's got a bit of a temper," Charlotte said with a benevolent smile.
"Yes, but she's very adorable - it's easy to overlook it."
She grinned broadly.
"Fleur looks a lot like you," Alain continued. "She'll be a heartbreaker when she grows up, too. Of course you haven't been doing that much these days -"
She scowled. "I've had enough sermons about the consequences of my actions, Alain. I don't need any more."
"Okay."
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I loved you endlessly when you weren't there for me
So now it's time to leave and make it alone (…)
I don't wanna be the loser, and I've had enough
I don't wanna be a fool for you in this game for two
So I'm leaving you behind…
NSync, "Bye, bye, bye"
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"So, how have you been?"
Alain smiled sadly. "I'm pretty sure you know the answer to that."
"Right. Yes, I do. I felt truly sorry for you when I heard about the thing with that British Auror."
He knew she didn't mean it. "Thanks."
"You really liked her; anyone could see that."
"Yes."
"But she didn't love you back… That was also awfully obvious to everyone else but you, Alain."
He grimaced. "Is this where the 'I-told-you-so's begin? Merlin knows I've already heard plenty of those. I don't need a sermon either, Charlotte."
"Of course; I'm sorry. He was British too, you know - Fleur's father."
He was surprised by her revelation - no one knew much about Charlotte's mysterious ex-boyfriend -, but feigned indifference. "British? How interesting."
"Isn't it? What is it about those people that we can't resist?"
"Well, for me, it was really - I don't know. I've always detested the English; I only liked Lily."
"I see."
"You're already teaching the kid to speak English?"
"Yes, I figured it would be useful for her."
Alain shook his head. "Don't. If her father ever wants to reclaim her -"
"He will do no such thing," she intervened dismissively. "And that's why I wanted to talk to you."
Alain leaned back on his chair and closed his eyes. He was pretty sure of what Charlotte would propose.
He was almost positive that the child's father wasn't even aware of Fleur's existence, and Charlotte wanted to keep things that way. There was an easy way out of the uncomfortable situation for her.
She had given birth to Fleur almost ten months after breaking up with Alain. It would be perfectly acceptable for him to acknowledge the child as his… And Charlotte's renewed aura of respectability - not to mention the rich, desirable husband - would regain her unlimited access to Parisian Society.
And Alain… Well, he would gain a perfect trophy wife, and a great way to get back at Lily, not to mention that his family would be relieved to see him following their advice again. His tardiness in acknowledging Fleur could be explained by demonising his ex-girlfriend's temper.
"We were never deeply in love," she stated calmly. "And we never needed that. You know that our parents decided to marry us when we were small - and it would have been better for everyone if we had followed their wishes."
"You wanted freedom as much as I did, Charlotte. We broke up without resentment precisely because you wanted to see what it was like out there."
"Yes. And look what happened to that," she gestured towards the door with a smile. "I've had enough of this, Alain. My child needs a paternal figure."
Alain almost grinned. How hypocritical. She was perfectly capable of raising Fleur by herself. She was the one who needed that marriage, not her daughter, and they both knew it; but it was unnecessary to state the obvious truth.
"So your suggestion is that we should marry, and that I should register Fleur as my daughter?"
"Yes."
He seemed to ponder the issue for a while, and Charlotte held her breath. What now? If he refused, it would be hard to lay the groundwork to try again. If he said yes… Ah, that would be the solution to all her problems.
"I'm - not sure, Charlotte."
She frowned. "Alain, I -"
"Listen, you can't be in such a big hurry. You've waited for over a year; you can wait a week or two. Just give me a little time to think this through."
She knew better than to push him more now. "Okay."
Alain sighed. Yes, marrying Charlotte would be a wonderful way of getting back at Lily, but it would also mean losing her for good. With an inner shudder, he weighed the two girls' explosive tempers - and the half-Veela bombshell was the worst, by far. He would never dare to cheat on her or anything.
Not that he would ever have cheated on Lily, either. Frowning, Alain remembered that Potter's interest in her was only temporary. He was sure that it was only a matter of time before Lily dumped him, or vice-versa.
But that was beyond Alain's control. He had a choice to make now, one that didn't involve Lily - at least not for now.
Would he manage to move on, and let Potter have Lily?
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Thursday, November 23rd, 1978
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You see through, right to the heart of me
You break down my walls with the strength of your love
I never knew love like I've known it with you (…)
I won't hold it back again, this passion inside
Can't run from myself - there's nowhere to hide…
Whitney Houston, "I have nothing"
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Lily didn't need to open the blackout curtains to see what the weather was outside. She could guess. A dull, foggy morning just like any other… The softly tinkling drizzle announced another cold day, and no Londoner in his or her right mind could have hoped for anything else today.
Yawning, Lily hugged her pillow tightly. For some reason, waking up alone hadn't been a pleasurable experience. Why had she expected James to be there? She had never minded it when her boyfriends had left before dawn - in fact, she'd always preferred it when they did so.
Glancing at her watch, she was stunned to find out that it was past three. Merlin, Lily had really given up on routine, hadn't she? Such a radical transformation, so fast… She wondered when things would get back to normal.
Normal. Lily chuckled. She had yet to find out what 'normal' meant in this new situation. That would come with time; she wasn't worried about it.
Lily was just living one day at a time. Not worrying about the future was a pleasant novelty - even though she was pretty sure that it was a direct result of her denial.
Well, it wasn't really denial, since Lily knew that the preoccupation was there, buried deep inside. She just… ignored it. She pretended that she didn't care about whether or not she and James would have a future together. She tried to shrug off any thoughts about staying with James for good; they weren't important, she kept telling herself.
Lily hoped that she was getting better at convincing herself of that. After so many years, one could only hope.
She buried her face in James' pillows and hugged them tightly, remembering what it felt like to have him there with her. Where was he now? Why wasn't he there with her?
Well, he had probably left to have lunch or something. She couldn't expect the poor guy to wait over twelve hours for her to wake up…
Suddenly, Lily heard fast steps coming from the hallway. She felt the bed sink as James sat beside her and waited for her attention. She didn't turn to look at him.
"If you missed me this much, you could've just called, you know,"he joked. "You don't need to make out with my pillows; I'm available, sweetheart."
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Whatever you want, whatever you need
Anything you want done, baby, I will do it naturally
'Cause I'm every woman - it's all in me, it's all in me…
I can read your thoughts right now, everything from A to Z (…)
I consent your needs, like rain on to the seeds
I can make a rhyme of confusion in your mind
And when it comes to some old-fashioned love, I've got it…
Chaka Khan, "I'm every woman"
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"I didn't know you were home, honey," Lily replied, facing him with a grin.
"And where else could I be? It's three o'clock!"
She shrugged. "Out to lunch with the Marauders, maybe. Or perhaps you could've realised you missed Julia, and gone to visit her."
James chuckled. "I know we're crazy and all, but not even the Marauders have lunch at three AM, Lily."
"Oh. It's - oh… I've barely slept, then."
"Uh-huh. You must've dozed while I was in the shower."
"Shower. Right. You were with Julia, I can tell," she said, pouting and looking away. Anyone could tell she was trying hard not to smile.
He laughed. "Obsessive jealousy doesn't suit you."
"You'll see what suits me or not after you give me a good reason to be jealous," Lily replied at once. "Your behaviour has been irreprehensible so far."
"You mean other than breaking our marriage vows on a weekly basis for the past seven years?"
She seemed to ponder the question for a moment. "Well, we didn't actually take any vows."
"Good point."
"But you're trying to distract me from the real issue here. Did you or did you not Apparate to Rome for a quickie?"
"I did. In fact, I cast a sleeping spell on you, spent twenty-four hours in bed with my girlfriend, and then came back here to pretend nothing had happened."
"I knew it!"
James grinned and kissed her forehead. "You're a genius, did you know that?"
"Uh-huh," she agreed, pulling him down to lie beside her. "Maybe you should have tried to marry someone who would be more submissive to you."
"Nah. I love it when you defy me. I couldn't imagine marrying anyone else. You're the most important person in my life, and the one woman I've ever needed… You know that, don't you?"
Lily nodded, and gave in to his kiss, feeling strangely light-headed.
Yes, she knew. And she cared more about it than she would want to admit. She needed to hear him say that… She was sure that he meant it; James didn't need to use cheap lines to get into her pants, and they both knew it.
James was the only man she'd ever needed… But she didn't need to tell him that. He knew it, too.
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Par le temps que je prends pour ne penser qu'à toi
Par mes rêves de jour où tu règnes en idole (...)
Par la contradiction de ma tête et mon coeur
Par mes vingt ans perdus qu'en toi je réalise
Par tes regards lointains qui parfois me suffisent
Et me font espérer en quelques jours meilleurs
J'en deduis que je t'aime...
Charles Aznavour, "J'en deduis que je t'aime"
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"We have time," Lily whispered with uncharacteristic shyness.
He nodded, and moved back a little, lying beside her. There was no need to rush things tonight. They were both quite tired.
Propping herself up on one elbow, Lily put her leg around his midriff. James stroked her bare thigh almost absent-mindedly - they hadn't bothered getting dressed yet -and glanced at her.
Lily was looking at him with a strange expression. James couldn't quite place it; she seemed torn between worry and satisfaction. He slid his arm forward, and she rested her head on it, perfectly content to stay like that for now.
Lily closed her eyes, and James held his breath, staring at her. Every once in a while, he realised that he was impossibly lucky. Why had she come back to him? Did he deserve to be this happy after all that he had done?
She hadn't been the only woman whose heart he had broken. James had cheated on countless girls in the past few years, and was more than used to emotional break-ups. He'd even missed quite a few of the women afterwards, but he'd always known from the start that none of those fast relationships meant a thing to him.
Lily,however,did. He knew that perfectly well. James had already worked hard to get to some women who liked tobe difficult before; but none of them had required as much effort as Lily Evans had. And she had been worth the chase.
From the moment he'd managed to first get her, in Sixth Year, James knew that he never wanted to lose her. But he had. And now James had her again - he had been fortunate enough to get a second chance. He was terrified of losing her once more; the very thought of it made him nervous.
James admitted without difficulty the obvious truth. He had never forgotten Lily; his feelings for her had never really gone away.
All right, he thought with an inner grin. That wasn't so hard.
That much was evident. So he liked Lily. What a brilliant deduction.
Was he still in love with her?
His first response was an emphatic no. It didn't make any sense.
James should have moved on, and forgotten Lily. The love he'd felt for her should have waned with time. When seeing her again, all he was supposed to have felt was a bit of melancholy, or maybe some physical attraction.
No such thing had happened.
Well, of course he was attracted to her. And yes, he had initially thought that lust was all there was between them. But not anymore; now he knew that there was more, much more.
James knew better now than to think that what he felt for Lily was reasonable. It wasn't supposed to make sense.
He wanted her back - for real.
He was happy. Lily made him happy. He had never felt this before - it was a blissful thrill he associated with his teenager years.
James wasn't an innocent little boy anymore (had he ever been?); he was much older. He had matured… And his feelings for Lily had matured with him.
She was the one with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life. He would even say that he wanted to marry her - but that had already been taken care of, all those years ago.
So he wanted to continue to be married to her. Buy a house. Get house-elves. Have kids someday. Grow old together.
The idea had always horrified him, but now it didn't seem so terrible. What could be so awful about sharing your entire life with someone else?
Oh, Merlin. James could barely believe he had actually just thought that. Had Lily housebroken him in so little time?
He didn't even know if that was what she wanted! Lily kept saying that she wasn't looking for commitment… Of course, knowing her, he was sure that she was just afraid; but, besides that, what if she really didn't want to be married to him?
Was that possible? Yes, it was. It was likely.
Lily was only twenty-four years old… She probably wanted to enjoy life a bit more before she settled down.
It didn't matter. He would wait for her.
Lily opened her eyes and smiled at him. James smiled back, and encircled her with his free arm. She moved closer to him, and he idly toyed with her hair, not really knowing what to say. He wasn't sure that there was anything to be said.
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Yahweh, Yahweh, still I'm waiting for the dawn
Take these hands; teach them what to carry
Take these hands; don't make a fist
Take this mouth, so quick to criticise
Take this mouth, give it a kiss (…)
Yahweh, Yahweh, why the dark before the dawn?
U2, "Yahweh"
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"This is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. Happy are those who are called to his supper," the priest recited calmly, lifting the host to the mass attendants.
"Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed," everybody replied obediently.
"The body of Christ."
"Amen."
Julia took a deep breath. It had been long since the last time she had attended mass, and now she felt very guilty. Mrs. Rutilia had given her quite a lecture earlier that morning before leaving to church, but that had been unnecessary. The mere sight of the statue of the Virgin Mary already mortified her.
Strangely enough, Julia liked going to masses. Most people thought they were boring, but listening to the priest's constant cadence soothed her for some reason. So there really was no excuse for her absence - other than the fact that her boyfriend wasn't Catholic, of course.
Mrs. Rutilia had told her many times that it was her mission to bring James to God, so that they could marry properly. But it was hard for Julia to convince him to go to church. For that matter, it was incredibly hard for her to convince him to do anything against his will.
Julia felt a sharp elbow against her arm and lifted her eyes to meet her mother's. It was time for communion, and she was supposed to enter the line to receive the host from the priest.
But Julia didn't feel clean. She had failed God somehow; she knew it from the bottom of her heart.
She shouldn't have let go of James like that; he would not be able to deliberate freely with that woman so close to him. Lily had probably been waiting for an opportunity like that for a while to approach him.
Oh, no… Julia had to go back. If she didn't return now, she would lose him for good. Lily would take advantage of her absence to seduce James even more. Damn!
She slapped herself inwardly for using such language in the house of God. Well, she hadn't said anything out loud, but she'd thought it - and He was certainly listening.
Julia needed to confess. She had to talk to her mother, too; Mrs. Rutilia always had great advice.
What would she say? What would Carla Rutilia do in that situation?
The answer was quite simple. She would not have let it come to this point. Carla would have solved the problem long ago. She would've identified the danger in Lily at once, and eliminated the threat posed by the treacherous false friend.
All of a sudden, Mrs. Rutilia knelt beside her, fervently praying after having received the host. Julia could hardly make out the whispered prayer, but she focused for a few seconds, and was impressed by her zeal.
"The Lord be with you."
The priest's calm, certain voice startled Julia. She hadn't realised that the mass was already over; she had certainly spaced out for much longer than she'd intended.
"May the almighty God bless you, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit."
"Amen," she replied, along with everyone else.
The priest drew a vague cross over the group. "Go in the peace of Christ."
It was a wonder she still remembered how to answer everything… Julia silently promised to herself that she would never again spend this long without attending mass.
She sighed. "Thanks be to God."
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Every other day, I would call, you would say "Baby, how's your day?"
But today, it ain't the same - every other word is "uh-huh," "yeah, okay…"
Could it be that you are at the crib with another lady? (…)
Just this question - why do you feel you gotta lie?
Getting caught up in your game, when you cannot say my name…
Destiny's Child, "Say my name"
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"Hello?"
Julia was almost sure that she'd heard a muffled laugh, and a woman's voice - but that could have been just her imagination.
"Hey," James replied. Did he sound tired and breathless or was she really imagining things? Well, it was very early in the morning; he had just woken up, perhaps. In fact, it was even likely that the phone had woken him.
"How's everything?"
"Fine."
"Er… Have you been working much?"
"Yeah, kind of."
"Is everyone okay?"
"Uh-huh."
He was clearly distracted, and unwilling to talk. Julia bit her lip angrily. Was she there with him? Oh, the nerve of James Potter! How could he speak to his girlfriend on the phone when the other woman was right beside him?
"I think Mum will come to my birthday."
"Okay."
"The party will be in your apartment, right?"
"Right."
"What's wrong, James?" she asked irritably. "Why can't you talk properly? Is someone there?"
"No," he answered at once. "It's nothing, I'm just busy."
This time, Julia undoubtedly heard a distant laugh over the phone. She closed her eyes. This was a nightmare, and she had to wake up somehow. James had probably called Lily the minute Julia had left… Well, damn him!
"I have to go."
"All right."
"Bye, James. I love you."
He hesitated for about five seconds before reacting. The cretin hesitated. "Me too."
Julia didn't bother hanging up; she just threw the phone against the wall with all her might, and it broke.
One of the maids warned Mrs. Rutilia, and she came running to the living room, where her only child was curled up on the floor, crying.
Feeling immensely sorry for her baby, Carla sat on the floor and hugged Julia, rocking her until she stopped sobbing.
"What's wrong, darling?"
"It's - James. I called his apartment, Mama, and there was someone else there with him!"
"Doesn't he have a roommate? Perhaps this person wasn't there because of him."
Julia laughed bitterly. "Oh, no, believe me. Lily is after James, not Sirius or anyone else."
"Lily? Lily Evans, your friend?"
"That harpy is not my friend anymore," Julia replied, pouting.
Carla ran her hand through her daughter's hair soothingly. "Perhaps you should have asked James to come here with you."
"We're - going through a bad phase in our relationship. Lily's really trying hard to break us up, and his resolve is waning."
"She is a very attractive woman," Mrs. Rutilia mused. Julia threw her a dirty look, and she half-smiled. "Of course I'm on your side, darling. Tell me something - do you really think fighting for your relationship is worth it?"
"Yes," Julia replied quickly. "Beyond any doubt. We're meant to be, Mama. I've never loved another man like I love him."
Carla sighed. "Well, then you must pray about this, Julia. Pray and ask the Virgin for a solution. Ask the Mother to rekindle the love in his heart, and to give you a way to get rid of that viper."
Julia nodded mutely. She couldn't see a way out, but she trusted her mother, and she trusted God. She was the good girl here; and good always prevailed.
"Remember, darling: all things work together for good for those who love the Lord. This trial is happening for a reason - to strengthen your relationship. You two will come out of this better than you were when you went in."
"I know, Mama."
Carla kissed Julia's forehead, and smiled. "I love you, dear. And James does, too - he will remember that soon."
Julia grinned despite the tears. Everything was going to turn out okay.
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Friday, November 24th, 1978
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Quarter moon, always makes me think of you
Are you thinking of me too, when you see it shine?
It's kind of sad, but I'm smiling - imagine that
'Cause we're lucky to have had what we had, even for a time
Didn't we set the nights on fire? Did ever a flame burn any higher?
Wasn't it so sweet, wasn't it? Didn't we love?
Tamara Walker, "Didn't we love?"
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It was wonderful while it lasted, no doubt about it.
She wasn't the problem; he was.
Of course they could still remain friends, if she so wished.
Sylvie sat on the windowsill and blankly stared at the dark sky. She wouldn't cry; it had been long since she'd shed tears because of men.
But she hadn't managed to harden herself against fate's unpleasant surprises yet. So many tragedies, so many heartbreaks, and still she hadn't reached the point where she didn't care anymore.
At least Sylvie didn't cry. She dealt with the pain and moved on; she already knew all the stages through which she had to go, and expertly sped past them.
So here she was. It had to be some kind of record - she had gone from heartbroken and depressed to indifferent in about two hours, and was now already feeling nostalgic.
Yes, her relationship with Remus had been wonderful. That idyllic romance from the first few days hadn't even worn off, so they had been very happy together.
The break-up speech had come as a surprise to her. He had caught her completely off-guard - all of a sudden, it was over. That simple. No explanations, no begging, no tearful goodbyes… Just an amicable parting of ways.
Why?
Sylvie couldn't possibly have let Remus leave it at that. She had eventually convinced him that it would be easier to come to terms with the whole deal if she knew why he was doing it. Now, a part of her wished she hadn't asked.
A werewolf. He wasn't even a human - he was a beast, just like the one that had killed her sister. A bloodthirsty, ruthless animal… Just like her father, he would be capable of murdering his own children.
Sylvie grimaced. No, she couldn't be with someone like that. She would never look at him the same way again.
It was a stupid prejudice. She knew it made no sense; after all, werewolves were normal human beings most of the time. But that irrational fear was buried deep in her heart; it was impossible to get rid of it now.
Well, at least he hadn't expected her to accept the truth calmly. At that moment, she was far too shocked and hurt to say anything, thankfully. Next time she met Remus, however, she was bound to snap, or say something cutting. So she had to avoid meeting him; it wouldn't be too hard.
Sylvie threw the moon a bitter look, hating the source of all her troubles.
She pitied Remus, in a way. Living with lycanthropy was hard; there was no doubt about it. But Sylvie hated him for giving her false hopes, approaching her and winning over her heart before telling her the truth. He should've told her that he was one of them from the beginning.
Maybe not. If he had done it, she would never have had this short, sweet relationship with him.
Yes, it had been wonderful while it had lasted. He was the problem, not her… Literally. The very essence of his being was the problem.
But she was pretty sure that she never wanted to see Remus again, let alone remain his friend.
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You're my reason for reason, the step in my groove
And if you say this life ain't good enough, I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood, because you're so smooth…
It's just like the ocean under the moon, that's the same emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of loving that could be so smooth
Give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it…
Santana & Rob Thomas, "Smooth"
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Lily woke up with the soft brushing of James' lips against hers. She didn't open her eyes, and continued enjoying the gentle kisses down her neck.
"Good afternoon," he muttered with a smile.
Lily looked at him, grinning. "You're spoiling me. I could get used to this, you know."
"Is that supposed to be a bad thing?"
Lily shrugged. They had gone to sleep long after sunrise, and woken up at four PM. She had long since given up trying to maintain a balanced schedule around James.
"Are you hungry?"
Well, now that she thought about it… she hadn't eaten anything since lunch, the day before. Yes, she was famished, actually.
She nodded. James left the bed and picked her up with a mock-resigned sigh.
"James!" Lily giggled. "Let me go!" she complained, not too emphatically.
He turned her a little, and she wrapped her legs around him, encircling his neck with her arms. When they arrived at the kitchen, he put her down on the counter.
James looked at her in a naughty, unmistakeable way. "Are you sure you're hungry?" he asked, brushing her hair off her face with a lazy grin.
Lily smiled. Not taking his eyes off hers, James slowly unbuttoned her shirt - well, it was his, but it looked so much better on her! - and threw it far away from them.
She was really beginning to get used to this. It was utterly senseless, but Lily knew that at the moment there was nothing she wanted more than to continue living with James after the weekend.
He held her tightly, and she bit his lower lip, licking her way to his ear.
"What do you want?" Lily whispered, grinning.
James looked at her, mildly surprised, and shook his head. "Not now," he replied. "It's your turn."
Lily smirked. Okay, so maybe wanting to be with James wasn't that senseless.
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It's a secret that no one tells - one day is heaven, one day, it's hell
It's no fairy tale, take it from me! That's the way it's supposed to be…
You will fly and you will crawl - God knows even angels fall (…)
You laugh, you cry, no one knows why, but oh, the thrill of it all
You're on the ride; you might as well open your eyes…
Jessica Riddle, "Even angels fall"
.................................................
"Lily?"
She was absorbed examining a parchment against the light coming from the tip of her wand. It appeared to be impossibly coded. "Yes?"
"Is it all right if I go out with the guys tonight? Sirius has written me a letter complaining that I haven't talked to them in days - and I realised he's right. I don't even know where he's staying while you're here. Do you mind?"
"No, not at all. I might go home and spend some time with the girls, too… go out with them or whatever."
"You can call them here, if you like," he suggested, going to his bedroom.
"All right."
James returned to a few minutes later. Lily had just sent Myrie away to Leylann's, and had resumed working on the undecipherable parchment.
"Lil… Just don't bring any blokes here, please."
Lily was offended by his remark, but quickly realised that she had no right to be. She had made him believe that she was a slut; he was treating her as such.
Man, it hurt. Lily didn't want him to think that of her. She would never cheat on him with any other guys. But, of course, he had no way of knowing that he was different from all the others.
"Right, because I'm that much of a slut," she snapped. "Don't worry, James. I won't bring any guys to your apartment."
"I'm just saying!" James replied defensively. "I wouldn't like to come home and find another guy sleeping-" he hesitated.
"Go on," she dared. "Continue."
"Sleeping with my wife on my bed."
Lily laughed bitterly. If she weren't so annoyed, she would have even appreciated the craziness of the situation. But she had been working in an impossible problem for ages, she hadn't been getting much sleep lately, and James was leaving her all alone in the apartment for the rest of the night. So her day wasn't really improving.
"I see. You definitely don't have to worry about protecting your marriage. You can even bring a girl home with you if you want - I won't be here when you return."
"Merlin, Lily, stop being so childish!"
"I'm going out with the girls; I'll sleep at home! I'll be fine!"
"Why will you sleep on the couch, if you can sleep here?"
Lily shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe you'll want to bring someone over, and your wife's presence in the house annoys you."
"I'm not bringing anyone!"
"Well, since I'm a slut and you're a man-whore,we get along marvellously well - but not when it comes to seeing other people."
"Damn straight. I don't want you seeing any other guys," he retorted, clenching his fists. It was true. This wasn't the time to say it, and he was expressing himself in the worst way possible, but it was the complete truth. He didn't want Lily to be with anyone else - and he needed her to know that.
She glowered. "I won't. Not in here, like you said. I'll make sure to take him to the elevator hall, just in case."
James ran his fingers through his hair, clearly furious. "Whatever, Lily."
.................................................
If I had known the pain I'd make you feel
I would've stopped this thought of us, and turned upon my heel
Go, you should leave me - time will make it be all right (…)
Believe me when I tell you, I would love to love you like you do me
But there's a pillar in my way, you see…
The Corrs, "Love to love you"
.................................................
The doorbell rang, and James left to the answer it. Lily stayed in his room, seething. Why had she said those things? She was being an inconsequential, immature brat - but James had that effect on her sometimes.
Lily went to the living room, and got there just in time to see James glaring at a very confused Charles Friedrich. She rolled her eyes.
Oh, Merlin, she groaned inwardly. He's jealous of Charles?
James knew perfectly well that the guy was in love with Valerie. But when they were in the middle of a fight, he never considered the facts before overreacting. That was just the way he was.
James gestured for Charles to enter, and threw Lily an irritated look before Disapparating. He would probably forget about this later on; as usual, they would only remember their anger, and not its cause.
"Valerie told me she was coming here," Charles said earnestly. "Do you know when?"
"She should be here any minute now."
They sat on the couches, and Lily examined him curiously.
"You've heard of what happened with Bernard, I presume."
Charles grimaced. It was easy to see that he felt guilty. "Yes. I got home from an undercover mission this afternoon and then I found out… I oversaw his obliviation, made sure he wouldn't remember a thing about her, and then I wrote her."
"She's better now."
"When was the last time you saw her?"
"Wednesday night. But I called Valerie a few times since then… Leylann's helping her. She's a Healer; she has experience with all sorts of traumas."
"What should I do, Lily?" he asked, burying his head on his hands. "It was my fault. If I hadn't come to her -"
"No, Charles, it's not your fault. And it's not Val's fault for telling him everything, either. Bernard is a coward, and it was awful of him to hit Valerie. Period."
"She must blame me…"
"No, of course not. She's already accepted that he's a pathetic, screwed up guy who doesn't deserve her."
Charles sighed. "Good. Merlin, I was so scared! I just started thinking - I could have lost her. He could have raped her or whatever. I - I can't risk it, Lily."
"Then why don't you stay with her?"
He grinned sadly. "Everyone asks me that. It's so obvious, isn't it? But she wants me to marry her, and I can't. Do you remember what happened to Aline?"
Lily shook her head. Of course she knew what had happened. Charles loved telling that story… And, by the looks of it, he wanted to tell it again now. "No, I wasn't in France when that happened, but I've heard of her. You two were married for how long?"
"Fifteen years, almost sixteen. And then, all of a sudden, she takes off with the kids… We weren't even going through a bad phase or anything! She just decided that she wanted to see the world, and have fun. I discovered later that she'd found someone younger. She broke my heart - she ruined my life. I loved her so much…"
"Valerie would never do that," Lily said softly.
"I didn't think Aline would, either. I thought I knew her. But she did, and I swore to myself that I wouldn't marry again. I can't, Lily…"
"What does Nicholas think?"
Charles snorted. "What would you think if your mother suddenly got bored of you and sent you to live with your father, a man you hadn't seen in years? We're only beginning to get along. He likes Valerie and all, but he doesn't want me to remarry any time soon."
"Have you talked to him about it?"
"No. But he's almost her age, for goodness' sake! Of course it's an uncomfortable situation. I can't marry her - and she should understand that."
"Do you love Valerie?"
"Of course I do. More than anything."
"Then you should try to understand her side of the story, too. She's young, Charles. She's always dreamt of getting married - white dress, flowers, Wedding March, the whole deal. It's hard for her to give up on that, even though she loves you. It's difficult to devote yourself to a relationship that has no future."
"But we can have a future! We can stay together! I just don't want to marry her! Why is that so hard to understand?"
Lily didn't know. She understood both sides of the situation, and it was evident that one of the two would have to compromise. But Charles wouldn't change his mind any time soon…
Would Valerie be willing to put aside her dreams and be happy with him?
.................................................
Mesmo querendo, eu não vou me enganar
Eu conheço os seus passos, eu vejo os seus erros
Não há nada de novo; ainda somos iguais
Então não me chame, não olhe pra trás
Você diz não saber o que houve de errado
E o meu erro foi crer que estar ao seu lado bastaria...
Paralamas do Sucesso, "Meu erro"
.................................................
All of a sudden, the two girls Apparated right between Lily and Charles. Valerie had her dark brown hair up in a ponytail, and she was wearing one of Lily's robes. Obviously, Leylann hadn't let the girl go home to get some of her own.
"Leylann," Lily said, standing, "have you met Charles?"
"Yes - Gideon's party, remember?"
"Right."
Leylann smiled. "It's nice to see you again."
"Likewise."
Valerie gazed into Charles' eyes; their warmth comforted and reassured her. Oh, she was glad he'd come. She needed him right now - she needed to feel loved.
"They told you what happened, right?" Valerie asked, sitting beside him.
"Yes."
"Did they get a hold of him?"
"Yeah, I was in charge of the obliviation. Everything went well; are you sure you don't want to have your memory wiped as well?"
"I don't think the best way of dealing with issues is to get rid of them, Charles. It's not the end of the world; many women go through this on a daily basis."
"I see. Let me stay with you, Valerie," he asked earnestly, squeezing her hand. "Please. I'd never do something like that."
"I know that. But nothing's changed, has it? You still think the same way."
"Yes, but -"
Val sighed. "We have nothing else to say to each other, Charles… Let's not go there again."
"Valerie, I love you. Please…"
"That's not enough," she replied sadly. "I need more than pretty words. I want a home, Charles. Commitment. Maybe kids, one day. I have to have some kind of future to which I can look forward. I can't handle this now."
He ignored her words and kissed her, taking her by surprise. After a few seconds of shock and indecision, she backed off, furious.
"I - can't, Charles. Not now, don't do this, please. Not when I'm vulnerable, not when you know you can play me effortlessly. It's just cruel."
He shook his head, disappointed.
"I've made my choice. And, regardless of what Bernard did, I'll stand by it."
Admitting defeat, Charles stood, and said goodbye to the girls. He Disapparated; Valerie didn't look back.
Lily was torn between pity and admiration for her friend. Part of her wished that she were capable of turning down her own addiction - namely, James Potter - just like that. But another part reminded her that Valerie was missing out on a lot by rejecting a man whom she loved.
"Well," Valerie said pensively, "that wasn't too bad."
Leylann took a deep breath. Someone had to make her talk - it wouldn't be hard. "Why were you so angry, Val? He -"
"Charles is trying to toy with my emotions again!" she snapped, frowning. "I can't let him get to me!"
"His situation is very complicated, Valerie. Have you stopped to think that maybe he really does love you? He just can't marry you, sweetie. Maybe it's worth it."
"Oh yeah, this coming from you is almost a joke, Lily. I know he loves me! I know he can't - or won't - marry me! And I can't live with that - I don't want to spend the rest of my life without giving love one more chance. The perfect guy for me is still out there, somewhere… I'm sorry, but not all of us have had the fortune to meet our soul mates at the age of eleven, and get married to him before graduating!"
Lily was silent. That was typical of Valerie; she was always dreaming of some ideal guy, and complaining about the pretty nice one she had at the moment…
Well, Lily was a bit like that, too. But she would never let go of her husband to chase some guy who, for instance, would never break her heart. She had already tried that, and it hadn't worked.
But things would be different for Valerie, hopefully.
.................................................
Saturday, November 25th, 1978
.................................................
For once in my life, I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed for so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong
For once, I can touch what my heart used to dream of…
Stevie Wonder, "For once in my life"
.................................................
The girls had left a few hours ago, but Lily hadn't slept. James hadn't arrived yet, and she couldn't help but trying to imagine where he was, what he was doing, and with whom.
It was silly to obsess over this, she kept telling herself. He had just gone out with his three best friends, after all. James already had a wife and a girlfriend - she should admire his vigour if he managed to maintain any other affairs.
Lily rolled her eyes. Yeah, right. Why did she bother pretending she didn't care when she was obviously anxious?
She heard the noise of the keys on the door, and felt relieved, preparing herself for one of those tiresome but necessary conversations. James had an excellent resistance to alcohol; Lily had seen him seriously drunk very few times.
Her guess was entirely mistaken. It took James a while to fit the keys into the hole, but he eventually wobbled in, obviously wasted.
"I shishn't shrust myshelf shoo Apparaysh," he announced with a goofy grin. "'Ellooo!"
James was having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other, and Lily chuckled, hurrying to help him.
He gave her a wet, sloppy kiss, and she grimaced. "You're slobbering."
"Shrunk," he shrugged.
"That's no excuse," she replied. Except that it totally was. Oh, Merlin… He was far too sloshed to cast a Sobering Charm on himself - and the spell didn't work unless the drunkard himself cast it.
The idiot who had invented such a complex Sobering Charm - full of Ts, Ds and Ls - had obviously never drunk a drop of alcohol.
"I'm sho shorry for whaz I shaid, love…"
"No problem; we'll talk about that some other time. Come on," Lily said with a sigh, pulling him towards the room. "You need to get some sleep."
He would have undressed a lot faster if his fingers didn't keep missing the buttons. By the time he was done, Lily had already arranged the blankets and dimmed the lights.
James obediently lied down, and patted the space beside him. "Shtay," he asked, looking at her with an expectant smile.
Lily could never resist that puppy-dog look - and James was always so adorable when he was drunk!
He pinched her backside, winking, and she grinned. "You have to sleep!"
"Later," James said, tickling her without mercy.
After a while, she managed to hold his hands and stop him. James knew she was awfully ticklish, and took advantage of that as often as he could.
He lowered the strap of her dress, and his hand leisurely went up her thigh. Lily shifted uncomfortably. "You need sleep…"
"I want -"
"Not tonight," she replied seriously, tenderly kissing his forehead. "Tomorrow."
He accepted the rejection with a smile. James would not have given up this easily if he were sober… But he knew he wasn't thinking straight at the moment, and he trusted Lily to make decisions.
"I love you, sheesh you know zat?" he mumbled, kissing her shoulder and resting his head on her chest. "I love you sho much…"
Lily froze.
A few minutes later, James was fast asleep. She had barely breathed.
He was drunk, anddefinitely not in his right mind. He would never have said such a thing if he were sober. Never.
Because he didn't mean it. He couldn't mean it. Well, of course he could. But he didn't. Did he?
Did it even matter? Why did she have to worry about putting a label on what they had together?
Well, if James thought they were in love… It had always been easier for him to accept these things than her. She had always been more afraid of facing her feelings than him.
James loved taking risks. He loved loving. He loved feeling stupid and foolish, and being able to return a girl's feelings for him with inexhaustible passion. Like Lily, he feared the aftermath; but that probably wouldn't be enough to prevent him from feeling.
Lily, on the other hand,hated loving. She hated losing control of her life, feeling vulnerable and irrational. But if she were in love with James, none of that would matter. She would be swept away despite her fears and insecurity.
Lily loved loving James.
.................................................
I'll do anything - make it stop, please!
I've got the worst hangover ever
I'm crawling to the bathroom again
It hurts so bad that I'm never gonna drink again
I'll probably never drink again; I may not even drink again
At least not till next weekend…
Offspring, "Worst hangover ever"
.................................................
"Bad, bad, bad hangover!" was the first thing James said when he woke up, even before opening his eyes.
Someone touched his forehead tenderly; the contact of ice-cold fingers was a momentary release from the throbbing, sickening dizziness. He started trying to think, but it hurt. Bad idea.
"Aah. How much did I drink?" he managed to utter.
"I wasn't there, remember?" said a familiar voice. No, he didn't remember. He was having a hard time remembering his name right now, let alone the previous night's events. Whose voice was that again? Oh! Lily! Lily was here. Why was Lily here? "Come on, sweetie. Drink this."
James didn't want to swallow anything. Thinking of it made him nauseous. He shook his head slightly - actually, he just considered doing it. And the pain worsened. No, thinking was definitely not an option.
"Please."
"I don't want to!"
Even the sound of his voice made him want to scream. Naturally, he knew that the pain would be absolutely unbearable if he did so. Speaking was also a bad idea.
"It will make you feel better."
James resigned himself to the fact that he would have to endure listening to his voice one more time. "No."
He shuddered. Make it stop…
Lily sighed. "I don't know what you did yesterday, James, but I have to admit I'm curious. I've never seen you this bad before."
"Please - please, love - ssh," he begged in a desperate whisper, making frantic, rickety gestures. "Please…"
Lily was still for a while. It was useless to ask that of her, James knew; he felt awful even without any movement, noise or light. Merlin, he was most certainly never going to drink again. Ever.
She gently opened his mouth a little, and poured some liquid inside. James could probably figure out what it was if he stopped to think about it - but he knew better than that now. Lily then pressed his neck in some specific place, forcing him to swallow.
He would have grimaced. But it hurt to do that, too.
All of a sudden, the pain lessened a bit. His stomach didn't seem like it was going to implode anymore, and he didn't feel that extreme needto getrid of his eyes and ears just to prevent sound and light from reaching him.
It took him quite a while to connect this improvement to the potion his wife was once more trickling down his throat. She had rested his head on her chest now, and was gently wiping the cold sweat off his forehead.
"Thank you," he whispered hoarsely.
She smiled a little, but James didn't see that. He just made the enormous effort of opening his mouth wider and swallowing the life-giving concoction faster.
Oh, Merlin. He felt good.
.................................................
Si Dieu ne t'avait modélé, il m'aurait fallu te créer
Pour donner à ma vie sa raison d'exister
Toi qui es ma joie et mon tourment, tantôt femme et tantôt enfant
Tu offres à mon coeur chaque jour tous les visages de l'amour (...)
Viens, fais de moi ce que tu veux: un homme heureux ou malheureux
Un mot de toi, je suis poussière, ou je suis Dieu...
Charles Aznavour, "Tous les visages de l'amour"
.................................................
James hadn't thought it would be possible for that to happen any time soon. Ten seconds ago, even death would have been a welcome relief. But now he didn't feel sick or dizzy anymore. He still had a minor headache, but that would fade with time.
James wanted to say something to Lily, but she put a finger to his lips, and reached for another potion on the nightstand. This one, he imbibed willingly, with astonishing speed. He couldn't wait to get back to full form.
Clarity suddenly returned to his mind. He sat up, opened his eyes, and began understanding what was happening.
"Feeling better?"
James turned to look at Lily. She was beaming at him with delicate tenderness - she hadn't looked at him like that in a long time. He smiled.
"Wonderful. Thank you."
"What happened last night?"
"You tell me. The details are still fuzzy."
"Well, you told me you were going to meet Sirius, Remus and Peter -"
James grimaced. He had just remembered under what circumstances he had left the apartment.
"Listen, I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have said all that, and I'm sorry."
"No, no. I overreacted. I realise my behaviour justifies your concerns."
"I know you better than that. Your behaviour doesn't necessarily reflect what you really feel, and who you are. I was angry, I was jealous - you know how possessive I can be sometimes."
She nodded.
"I just… don't want to lose you again. Ever," he confessed, caressing her cheek with an affectionate smile.
Lily suddenly remembered what he'd told her last night. I love you. How could three simple words have disturbed her so much?
Well, she had decided not to think about them… Not unless he said it again - sober, this time.
"Thanks for taking care of me. I would have suffered for much, much longer if you weren't here."
"What did you drink?" Lily asked curiously.
He shrugged. "It takes a lot more alcohol to get me tipsy than it does any of the others. So Sirius usually pours some kind of… alternative potion in my drink, unbeknownst to me, of course. When I notice what happened, I'm far too wasted to care. But he always promises he'll never do it again."
Her mouth hung open; she'd thought that none of Sirius' prankscould surprise her again. Clearly, he still had a trick or two up his sleeve. "That's illegal."
"And since when has he cared about that? It's not like I'll denounce him or anything."
"True."
"The effects of that potion are terrible, though."
"I can see that. Why didn't Remus stop him?"
"Oh, Moony was depressed. He broke up with Sylvie the day before yesterday, I think… He's really down."
"Poor thing! Why did he do it?"
"He told me last night, but I don't really remember… She has something against werewolves, if I'm not mistaken."
"I see. What about Peter?"
"Oh, he was drunk before any of us got there."
"Right."
"Anyway, I'm going to talk to Sirius later on - but of course he'll just laugh and say the same thing he always does."
"Why didn't he at least come home with you? You were in a pretty bad state."
James shrugged. "Remus brought me here, I guess. Sirius left earlier on, with some girl he picked up at the bar."
"Just for a change."
"Exactly. So, what are we doing today? No more nights out with Marauders for me."
Lily smiled. "We need to go shopping. Your refrigerator is almost empty."
He made a face. "I don't like shopping."
"I know that. But I'm going with you; it won't be that bad."
James cocked his head to the side, and his eyes glazed over. He was clearly trying to remember something. "I seem to recall some kind of promise regarding today…"
Lily laughed. Of course he would remember that. It was probably the only part of the evening he wouldn't forget under any circumstances.
"After we come home," she said, grinning. "That way, you can look forward to that and not complain much about the shopping."
"Oh, but on the contrary. Actually, let's just do it before and after shopping, just so I won't get too impatient."
Lily acquiesced. She had once heard that married life was all about compromises and companionship.
Why wouldn't she want to continue to be married to him? It was definitely an awesome lifestyle.
.................................................
Even without clucking like a hen, everyone gets noticed now and then
Unless, of course, that personage should be invisible, inconsequential me (…)
A human's made of more than air; with all the bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human being is unimpressive, undistinguished you-know-who
Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane, should have been my name, 'cause you can
Look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I'm there…
John C. Reilly, "Mr. Cellophane"
.................................................
"Listen, Pettigrew," Pamela Avery said irritably, "you're running out of time. The Dark Lord has his ways of knowing when one's loyalty is wavering - and you're walking a very thin line right now. Both Dumbledore and he know that you're too much of a coward to betray either side completely… But you have to make your choice."
"I - I have, Pamela," Peter stammered, looking around with suspicion. The bar was full of people; how could she know that they wouldn't be overheard? "I'm working for the Dark Lord. I will pass on information to him."
She snorted. "We want the real information, Pettigrew. Not what that old fool allows you to tell us."
"I tell you everything!" he exclaimed, fearful. How did they know that Dumbledore gave him information? Oh, the Dark Lord just knew those things - one never asked how. It didn't matter anyway. "Dumbledore has no idea -"
Pamela waved dismissively, rolling her eyes. Her ice-blue eyes were opaque; she was clearly bored. She wished she didn't have to deal with despicable, weak traitors like Pettigrew, but it was necessary for anyone who wanted to become somebody among the Death Eaters, and come closer to Voldemort's inner circle.
Her brother was part of it… And if he - an incompetent, clumsy fellow - could get that far, then she most certainly could. All she needed was some great information from one of the many people she was currently recruiting or blackmailing, leading to a beautifully effective killing. Lord Voldemort would then promote her instantly.
Pamela had been working with Pettigrew for many years now. She had realised that he was the weak link in Dumbledore's chain soon after he and his friends had graduated from Hogwarts… And then she'd begun the painstaking process of winning his trust.
She regretted that awful waste of time now. Pettigrew had only agreed to betray the Order after a persuasive display of strength - about one minute of Cruciatus had accomplished what six years of tête-à-tête had not.
"There's an Order meeting tomorrow - everyone will be there. I'll tell you all about it, I swear!"
She nodded. In truth, it was like Pettigrew had been searching for an excuse to do the wrong thing all along. He adored, envied and hated his friends at the same time. It was probably a relief for him to side with Lord Voldemort, who would give him an escape for all that bottled abhorrence. Peter was finally accomplishing something - something Potter, Black and Lupin were incapable of doing.
From what she'd heard, those three were almost incorruptible. Sirius Black had decided to fight the Dark side a long time ago - Pamela had recruited hisyounger brother Regulus, so she knew his story well. Remus Lupin was a werewolf; he could be a valuable (though belittled) addition to their ranks, but, unfortunately, he was an extraordinarily tame, meek human. Lord Voldemort had no use for a wolf like him. And James Potter… Well, he was very dedicated to Dumbledore, and to his work. But he could join the Death Eaters someday, maybe, if they tempted his ambition and thirst for knowledge.
Pettigrew, on the other hand, was driven by fear, and a strangely powerful desire to please and follow. He appreciated living in the shadow of others, but hated himself for it. Pettigrew was a strange man, but in no way fascinating. Pamela considered him despicable and repulsive. Nevertheless, he served a purpose - didn't everyone?
Despite all that she had done to him, he still looked at Pamela with adoration. She was his superior; she had made sure to make that very clear. He followed, loved and hated her, too.
Pamela was mystery and ice to him, just like Lily was fire and passion. Not that James' oh-so-perfect wife had ever given him the time of the day, naturally.
Oh, in his dreams, she had often looked at him in the same way she looked at James - or even at Sirius. But in reality, Peter knew that she would never do such a thing.
No one would ever pay attention to him; he was simply unremarkable, insignificant, contemptible, unreliable Peter. He would never be great; he would never be noticed. Or so they all thought.
Peter Pettigrew would prove everyone wrong.
.................................................
So good on paper, so romantic, so bewildering
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game, it's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart; there's more room in a broken heart
It's coming around again…
Carly Simon, "Coming Around Again"
.................................................
"How many Death Eaters are watching the back entry to the camp, in your opinion?"
James sat up to look at the scenario on which Lily was working. In so doing, he moved the blankets, and caused several parchments to fall on the floor.
Before she said anything, he hurried to get everything. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," James said, throwing everything on the bed.
Lily shrugged. "Most of those were yours anyway. But you're bugging me now - stop tossing things so carelessly… You're going to spill my ink! James!"
He glanced at the dark blue ink spot on his blanket, and frowned. It was spreading quite fast; before they knew it, Lily's bare thigh was also getting stained.
"Oh, great," she moaned, reaching for her wand.
James Scourgified the ink before she could cast any spells. "I'm sorry, honey," he repeated, kissing her forehead. "What was it that you wanted me to see?"
Lily's anger faded instantly, and she smiled. "If you were Voldemort, how many Death Eaters would you set to watch the back entry to this camp?"
James stared at the parchment for a few moments. "None," he replied at last. "None at all. Unwelcome visitors would be received with open doors to an easy path free of interruptions. When they let their guard down, probably somewhere around here," he pointed at a specific place on the map, not too far from the entrance, "I would tell my men to attack."
"I thought so too. But it seems a bit too risky, beyond his usual standard. The place is perfect for that, though."
"I think he's learning from his past mistakes. Who requested that scenario? It's lovely, quite complex."
"Gideon. He received intel that they're going to use it for holding hostages - but no one's been captured so far, I think."
"It might not be much longer."
"I wonder who's next," Lily said with a heavy sigh. "It could be anyone, really."
James sat beside her and lightly stroked her blue thigh. "He's - getting stronger… It seems impossible to undermine him, despite our best efforts."
"Hey," she nudged him softly. "We can't despair. There's always hope. And we can always prevent him from getting much stronger; that's some consolation."
"I know," James agreed, rubbing her arm as if to warm her. "Do you think we'll ever get to stop him? For good, I mean?"
Lily shrugged. No one liked to be overly pessimistic these days, but… it did seem unthinkable to defeat the ostensibly all-powerful Dark Lord.
"I really don't know. But if anyone can succeed, it's Dumbledore - and we're doing all we can to help him."
"True. Sometimes, though, I wish he would just get his wand and challenge Voldemort to a duel."
"Who knows who would win? Voldemort is a great sorcerer. And we need Dumbledore."
"He would win."
"Voldemort uses dark magic."
"Albus uses ancient magic."
"Good point."
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I want to believe in a freedom that's bold
But all I remember is the freedom of old (…)
As darkness falls, I return to my bed
Don't ask me more questions; don't fuck with my head
I've been down in this world, down and almost broken
Like thousands of people, left standing in their shoe…
Flogging Molly, "Black Friday Rule"
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Sometimes, Peter felt a bit guilty. But he wasn't really betraying his friends, after all. It wasn't like they were going to get killed by Voldemort or anything… The Dark Lord knew that he would lose Peter's allegiance if he murdered any of the Marauders.
Peter was only going to prove to everyone what he already knew, deep inside: they would never see him coming, but he was capable of outsmarting them all.
Dumbledore was far too worried about his values and ideas to have any real power; Voldemort obsessed excessively over getting people to fear and worship him. Peter would slowly play one against the other, like he had been doing for the past few years, and eventually bring about their downfall.
Well, maybe his two masters were aware of his plan to some degree. But they, like everyone else, underestimated the potential of Peter Pettigrew.
It was exciting. This was his one chance to become a hero - a man everyone would look up to, even James and Sirius.
Oh, he could already see it! He would be universally considered a hero: Order of Merlin, First Class. How noble of him, they would say, to sacrifice several years of his life to the defeat of Voldemort and Dumbledore, two tyrants oppressing the wizarding world!
He'd come up with this master plan in the bitter hours after his initiation as a Death Eater. Alone and terrified, Wormtail had taken a long time to recover from the shock of torturing and killing a human being.
Neither Albus nor Voldemort knew what was in store for them. The first had accepted him into the Order out of pity and respect for the Marauders' friendship. The latter had simply instructed one of his lower-level Death Eaters to torture one of Dumbledore's pets for information.
What an unpleasant surprise that had been. There had been a time, Peter remembered well, when he had loved Pamela Avery. It was almost unthinkable for a woman so gorgeous to devote such attention to a man like him. But they had met a few years ago, one cold Christmas morning, and had instantly connected. Well, she'd listened - no one had ever really listened to him before. In time, Pamela became his friend, his confidante, someone whom he trusted completely. At some point, he had fallen head over heels in love with her.
Peter now understood her ill-disguised irritation after noticing the consequences of his lovesickness. He couldn't care less about her insinuations concerning the Dark side, not anymore. Her soft probing of his opinions and potential had been accomplished without difficulty, but it was hard to make him think or act coherently.
That was when she had made a harsh decision. The searing pain caused by the Cruciatus Curse had forced him to face reality. Pamela wasn't interested in him; she was just recruiting potential Death Eaters. And she wouldn't hesitate before killing him if he refused.
Naturally, he had accepted to become a servant of the Dark Lord. Peter didn't intend to die any time soon.
"This is your last chance, Pettigrew," Pamela hissed. Ever since his initiation, she always called him by his last name. No more intimacy; not even the slightest hint that they'd ever been friends. "Be careful. You know what we're capable of, don't you?"
He just nodded. There was no denying that, despite all his plans and mental boasting, he was very scared of Lord Voldemort and his minions.
There was no denying that, if he were forced to make a choice, Peter knew where his true loyalties would lie.
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Just when I thought I was safe, you found me in my hiding place
I'd promised never again, I wouldn't give my heart, but then
Closer, closer, I moved near you - the way I want you makes me fear you (…)
I find it hard to explain; it's crazy, but it's happening
And I'm falling again, much further than I've ever been…
The Corrs, "Love gives love takes"
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The past few days hadn't been flawless, but they had been perfect. To anyone else that would be a paradox, but not to Lily. She knew her interaction with James would always be a little bumpy, and they would always clash occasionally. They would never have an idyllic life of lovey-dovey romance - it just wasn't their style.
All of a sudden, James started moving, and tried to fluff his "pillow". Lily grinned, and tried her best to respond to his movements with the necessary flexibility in order to prevent him from waking.
Satisfied, he stopped, and was soon sleeping deeply again.
It was hard to believe that Lily was really concerned about all those little things regarding James. Her toothbrush was on his bathroom sink. They had cooked all meals together. They had been working in bed all weekend, with predictably frequent pauses. Lily had even fixed the buttons on his robes, for goodness' sake! They had definitely been spending a lot of time together… And she liked it.
Why? Why would she enjoy spending time with a guy who aggravated her that much? Sure, the sex was great, but this day-to-day life was something she really didn't need to experience. After all, her relationship with James was merely physical, right?
No. No, it wasn't, of course not. They were way past that now - it was useless to deny it.
And Lily liked the bloody routine. She enjoyed arguing with James about cleaning up, about who was going to cook what for dinner. She liked working with him in bed, and being around when he had those crazy fuck-the-world-let's-run-away fits. Lily needed that part of him, too. She wasn't just after his body… She wanted the whole deal. And that included his heart.
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I never felt this way
How do you give me so much pleasure
And cause me so much pain?
Just when I think I've taken more than would a fool
I start falling back in love with you…
Alicia Keys, "Fallin"
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Yes, she wanted to be loved. She wanted James to love her, and only her. Thinking of Julia made her stomach jolt unpleasantly. No, James couldn't go back to his girlfriend. He and Lily belonged together; she didn't doubt that anymore.
She had resisted, but it had been futile. James already had immense power over her. He had managed to return to her heart, despite her best efforts.
Could he break her heart again? Lily grimaced inwardly. Yes, he could. Easily.
Was she afraid of losing him? Ah, definitely.
"Oh, no," she muttered, biting her lip.
James' eyes snapped open and he lifted his head from her chest. "Is something wrong?" he asked drowsily.
"No, honey," she replied, lightly running her hand through his hair until he fell asleep again.
What was this thing that they had together, then? Was it love?
Lily still doubted it. Love seemed to be something huge, important and overwhelming, something that was definitely beyond them. But, at the same time, love was just a small part of their relationship - what they had was so much more than justsappy romance…
Merlin, she was going insane.
Was this love or not?
Lily hated James sometimes, she really did. She would wish thatshe could kill him. And then, one second later, they would be laughing together… He confused her sometimes, and constantly made her keep her impulses and reflexes in check. But that was just a part of them, an idiosyncrasy of their peculiar relationship.
Lily had given up worrying about those momentary uncertainties a long time ago. They never lasted long anyway.
The bottom line was that she knew she wanted to be with him, despite all his flaws. They were a part of him, and she had learned to accept them. Would it still annoy her a little if he were jealous whenever she talked to another guy? Yes, of course. But, in time, he would trust her more. James also put up with a lot, tolerating her temper and all.
Whatever it was that they shared… Lily wanted to continue sharing it. She didn't want this to end - and she knew that another break-up with James would nearly kill her, again.
Yes… She'd let him in too far.
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Said there'd be no going back, promised myself I'd never be that sad (…)
Just wish I had a crystal ball to show me if it's worth it all
'Cause I can feel it, baby, I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to let go; I'm scared, 'cause my heart has been hurt so
And I've got to be sure, 'cause it's been so long
And I cannot take the pain again if it all goes wrong…
Jem, "Falling for you"
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It was hard for Lily to identify what exactly they had together. It felt different from what they'd had back at Hogwarts… But then again, they had both changed quite a bit since then.
Had James done it all on purpose? She could see it clearly now - constantly angering her had been the fastest way to do away with her little façade of aloofness, the mask she'd learned to wear for the past years.
In just two months, James had turned her life upside down. He'd destroyed everything for which she'd worked for six years. And she'd liked it, and she'd been thankful.
James wasn't only her best friend and lover. He was now as necessary to her as the very air she breathed. Spending too much time without him made her feel cranky, and snappy… And seeing him always brightened up her day.
James was the first thought on her mind in the morning, and her last one before falling asleep. Of course, being around him all day was an excellent excuse for that fact. But Lily knew that nothing could justify the way she always hoped to see his hazel eyes looking into hers the moment she woke up, and the way she dwelled on the memory of his lazy, roguish smile every night…
Whenever they were together, a strange giddiness threatened to overwhelm her. The three days she'd spent in his apartment were, beyond any doubt, the most blissful and, well, happy time she'd had in years.
She wanted to continue living this way. She wanted to be able to spend the night with him whenever she wanted, and not worrying about being caught.
Lily loved to lie with him, just feeling the familiar protection and warmth of his embrace… She loved the way he ran his fingers through her hair, how softly he always kissed her goodnight, his smile, his laugh, that naughty sparkle in his eyes, the way he looked at her, making her feel unique and needed… She loved the way he knew her better than anyone, and could always push her buttons properly, improving her mood with the strangest methods… Oh, she could go on with the list forever, she loved just about everything about him…
Oh, no. Merlin…
Lily had tried to prevent it from happening, but that was useless. She knew it, she was sure of it, she couldn't possibly go on trying to deny it. Everyone had seen this coming - everyone but her.
Lily loved James.
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Opened my eyes today, and I knew there was something different
I saw you in a brand new way, like the clouds had somehow lifted
And if yesterday I heard myself saying these words, I'd swear it was a lie
I don't know why, but suddenly I'm falling…
Was I so blind? I was loving you all the time
And now I'm hopelessly addicted, helplessly attracted…
The Corrs, "Hopelessly Addicted"
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