Hopelessly Addicted
Chapter 6
"What's Love?"
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And I can't stop thinking about the way things used to be
And I can't stop thinking about the love that you made to me
And I can't get you out of my head…
How in the world would I begin to let you walk right out my life?
(…) I can't stop thinking about the way my life would be
No, I can't stop thinking about it…
Toni Braxton, "Breathe Again"
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"Do you ever think of what would have happened if - if we hadn't broken up?"
Lily looked at James, startled.
He was staring at his cup of tea, and seemed thoughtful. The question certainly hadn't been asked lightly.
"Well, sometimes," she replied guardedly. "Not as much these days anymore, of course. But I used to think about it a lot… in the beginning, you know."
"Do you think we would've broken up eventually?"
Lily blinked for a few times. He still hadn't met her eyes. Why was he asking all these questions? What was his goal? Oh, she hated it when she couldn't identify James' trail of thought! She kept trying to guess what was coming, but none of the possibilities that had immediately popped up seemed likely.
Lily nibbled absent-mindedly on some toast, fully aware that James would interpret her silence correctly. "I don't know," she said after a while. "Maybe not - probably not. By now, I would probably be stuck running after a little mischievous Marauder most of the time, waiting for you to come home from work so that I could serve dinner."
He looked up at last, and smiled. "Do you really think so? What makes you think you wouldn't continue working if we got married?"
Lily bit her lower lip. She didn't like admitting this, not even to herself, but there was no other way now. "You're the only one for whom I would have done it," she replied at last. "If you'd asked it of me - back when I was young, foolish and in love with you -, I would have given up my dreams."
James' eyes bore into hers sharply. How had their conversation suddenly become so serious? And since when did they discuss their relationship this openly? They hadn't even mentioned it since her return…
"I didn't," he answered. "Exactly because I knew that. We were very… foolish, I guess. But I really did love you."
Unconsciously, Lily held her breath.
Where was he going? Why was he saying this? What was he going to say now? Why was he acting so strangely introspective? Why did he want to discuss their relationship now? Why was he talking about these feelings when clearly all there was between them now was physical attraction?
With horror, she began to understand what was happening. No… No, it couldn't be that, could it? Was James still -
No, she couldn't deal with this all over again - she couldn't get involved with James for real… But then again, if he really wanted her, he would have her. They both knew that well by now.
What Lily didn't know was if James was trying just to find out whether she still had feelings for him, or if his intention was to let her know something else - something far more complicated than their present situation…
Was James still in love with her?
"More tea?"
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Elle était ma dame, elle était ma came, elle était ma vitamine
Elle était ma drogue, ma dope, ma coke, mon crack, mon amphétamine...
Je repense à elle, femme actuelle, vingt ans, jeune et jolie
Remets donc le film à l'envers, magnéto de la vie
Pour elle, faut-il l'admettre, des larmes ont coulé, hémorragie oculaire
Vive notre amitié, du passé, du présent, je l'espère, du futur
Je suis passé pour être présent dans ton futur...
MC Solaar, "Caroline"
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Surprised, they turned to the elderly lady standing beside their table. Lily and James had completely forgotten where they were. All right, it was barely six o'clock in the morning, and there were very few people in the cosy café, but it was still a public place. They could easily have been overheard.
It took James a few seconds to come to his senses. "No, thank you."
The lady eyed them suspiciously. What kind of person drank just one cup of tea at this time of the day?
Anxious to hear what James had to say, Lily just smiled civilly at the lady. "Thank you. We'll call you later if we want any more."
She nodded, and left.
"You were saying…"
James shrugged. "I'm done. Nothing more to say."
"It's my turn, then?"
"Yes," he replied, watching her with obvious interest.
'Ah-ha!' she thought with relief. 'So that's what this is all about.'
"It took me a while to get over you, James," she stated soberly. "But I succeeded. I got you out of my mind and my heart. What happened today… - I don't know. It doesn't feel the same. It's not, er… unique. It's intense, yes, and overwhelming at times, but… Merlin, it has nothing to do with - with what I felt before."
He nodded slowly. "I don't love you anymore, and I don't think I'll ever fall for you like that again - for anyone, really. I think we've both learned that lesson well."
"Definitely."
"But I - you're very, very attractive, and I just… can't help myself," he hesitated and smiled uneasily. "I'm not used to being this forthright about this sort of thing. It's strange."
She chuckled. "I think we know each other well enough to justify this frankness, don't you?"
"I suppose so."
They were silent for a few seconds. Lily was painfully aware of their closeness; their thighs were almost touching. A part of her wished James would just take her right there and then… At least that would end her confusion. She hated feeling this way, she hated being so weak, so utterly helpless… But he wouldn't do it, and she knew why.
Had she made a fool of herself back at the office? Why didn't she feel bad about being rejected? Normally, it would have upset her immensely. But what had happened had been almost… expected. Natural, in some strange way.
"Ever since you came back," he muttered all of a sudden, "I've been - ah, Lil… I remember…"
She grinned. "It's impossible not to remember. But the thing is," she said softly, "There's nothing we can do about it. We can't risk it."
"Of course. But that doesn't mean - oh, come on, Lil. Stop stalling. You wanted it from day one. And that's why you chose to work here."
"No!" she protested, mockingly offended. "Of course not!"
"Why, then? Please don't give me any rubbish about Dumbledore and the Order. You didn't care enough about them to stay in first place."
She smiled and seemed thoughtful for a few seconds. James was right - as usual -, but she couldn't tell him that. So what could she say? It would be hard to come up with a plausible excuse, considering he was observing her attentively. He would notice if she lied, he always did…
"Why did you decide to stay after all? You didn't stay despite me. You complain about it non-stop, but the truth is you don't hate working with me as much as you say you do."
Lily laughed. "To be honest, James, I love working with you. I have met very few people who have opposed me this much, and even fewer whom I know well enough to profit from it. Obviously, that doesn't mean you don't annoy me sometimes."
"Obviously."
"And I don't have to pretend you're not cute just because you irritate me most of the time. I - oh, whatever."
James' eyes twinkled, and he threw her an amused look. "I think -"
"Lily?" a voice behind them called loudly. "Lily Evans, is that you?"
It was highly unlikely to meet someone at a café shortly before dawn on a Sunday morning, especially considering that Lily had spent a long time away from London and hadn't had much of a social life since her return.
But Lily knew that voice. She would never have mistaken it - not in a thousand years. It was interesting, to say the least, to find him now, after what had happened with James.
Lily had stopped believing in coincidences a long time ago.
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If you see me with a man, understand that you can't question me
The feelings that you call ain't my fault - can't help your jealousy
If you can handle the fact that what we have has to be commitment-free
Then we can keep this undercover loving coming, hitting underneath the sheets…
Christina Aguilera, "Get Mine Get Yours"
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Lily turned to look at Benjamin. Yes, there he was, standing by the door, staring at her… still drop-dead gorgeous, impossibly charming, and nicely aloof. There was something different about him, but Lily couldn't quite place it.
Ben had been her first infatuation since the break-up with James. Their relationship had only lasted two months, mostly because its intensity had freaked Lily out - she knew very well that things never turned out all right when the beginning of the relationship felt that overpowering.
Lily had dumped Ben before things had gotten too serious, and she didn't regret it. They had met a few times since then; it had always felt natural to have a date, followed by a friendly shag. Was this going to happen today, too? Her attraction to James didn't stop her from noticing Ben's good looks. The prospect of spending the night with him was not at all unpleasant, especially considering the fact that she couldn't have the one she really wanted.
She stood and smiled warmly. He approached her with an uncomfortable grin, his grey eyes darting towards James every few seconds. His eyes… yes, his eyes had changed. Some of the coldness that had attracted her in first place was gone. Maybe he'd fallen in love again…
Lily wished she could say that Ben's presence had made her forget James', but it was not so. She was very much aware of his questioning glances, even though he was now behind her. He soon resigned himself to observe the interaction between Lily and the newcomer instead of waiting for her answer.
When they were close enough, Ben leaned to kiss her cheek, but, as usual, she offered him her mouth. So far, so good. Everything seemed the same. James' being there wouldn't disturb her in the least.
Ben tucked some strands of hair behind her ear and stroked her cheek affectionately, gazing into her eyes.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his voice concerned and sober.
James felt an irrationally strong surge of jealousy. How dare someone achieve this level of intimacy with Lily, his Lily? How did this guy know her?
"Everything's okay," she replied after a brief hesitation. "How about you?"
"Missed you," he said in a muffled voice, kissing her forehead. "It's been too long."
"It has."
The familiar urge of letting herself go, seeking his embrace, and crying all her problems away was almost too much to bear, but Lily fought it tooth and nail.
She'd learned her lesson well. Ben was gentle and loving enough - but he'd certainly break her heart if she let him in too far. She had to keep her tough façade around him, too… She couldn't let anyone know how weak she really was.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, glancing at James once more.
She tossed her hair slightly and looked at James with a smirk. The expression on his face was carefully neutral, but Lily knew better than to ignore the hostile vibes he was sending Ben's way.
"This is James Potter. We work together - I'm an Auror here now. James, this is Benjamin Fenwick."
Lily's infamous ex-boyfriend's name obviously struck a chord, but Ben said nothing. The absence of details on the newcomer irritated James more than he let on - did Lily want this guy to think she'd already talked about him?
They shook hands in silence.
Ben turned to Lily. "Do you want to have dinner with me sometime, now that you're here in Britain?"
She looked pensive, and frowned. "This will be a remarkably busy week. I think… yeah, it's either next Sunday or… well, tonight."
He grinned. "We can meet at eight at the usual place. How's that?"
"Great."
"I should go, then," he said, and pecked her lightly on the lips. "See you tonight, baby."
"See you."
Benjamin didn't bother saying goodbye to James.
He probably wouldn't have answered.
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I know you've got issues - you've got a man
But you need to understand that you've got something with you
Ass is fat, frame is little, tattoo on your chest with his name in the middle
I'm not a hater, I just crush a lot; the way you shake your booty
I don't want you to stop; you need to come a little closer (…)
What's love got to do with it, babe?
Fat Joe, Ja Rule & Ashanti, "What's Love?"
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Lily sat and looked at James, waiting for him to start asking questions. He was usually very overprotective of his things… Even though she wasn't officially his, she knew that his possessiveness applied to her as much as it did to Julia.
"So," he said, visibly trying to appear nonchalant, "who is he?"
"He works in Law Enforcement."
James threw her a particularly nasty look, and she laughed.
"Oh, Merlin. All right. I went out with him for a couple of months several years ago, and I meet him every now and then. It's nothing serious."
"He -" James began, but was apparently having some trouble choosing the correct words. "He seems to know you pretty well."
"He does," she replied coolly.
"So - you're dining with him tonight."
"Yes."
"What about… Alain, is it?"
She grinned. "Oh, please."
James raised an eyebrow quizzically.
"I'm just not the marrying type. I don't see the point in being faithful to a guy when the relationship is obviously not going anywhere."
He opened his mouth to speak, but she interrupted him.
"And don't you dare lecture me on commitment. I know you better than that. You most certainly have your affairs here and there, too - I'm willing to bet my job on it."
James threw his hands up defensively. "I wasn't going to lecture you!"
Lily smiled. "Okay then."
"I pity the poor schmuck, that's all."
"Which of them?"
He laughed. "Alain. I guess Ben already knows you better than to expect you to commit."
"He does."
"Well, whatever," said James after a few seconds of silence. "Oh, look at the time… We should go back to the office. We still have a lot of work to do."
She shook her head, and for a moment seemed troubled. "No, I need to go to Leylann's."
James blinked a few times, frowning, and then stood. "Okay. I'll be right back."
Lily watched him walk away, dazed. James' irrational behaviour didn't bother her at all - in truth, she felt oddly proud of it. That was undoubtedly part of some reminiscent teenager reasoning: mighty, handsome, and popular James Potter liked her, was jealous of her, wanted her!
She shook her head, annoyed. Well, yeah, he wanted her - he had for a long time now. Of course that was great, awesome and all that, but the problem was that she wanted him back with the same intensity. And that was bound to cause a lot of trouble.
James paid the bill and returned to the table.
"We should get going."
"Yeah."
She stood and faced him hesitantly. Suddenly, James leaned closer. At first she thought he was going to kiss her on the mouth; he didn't. His hand encircled her waist, warming her and making her feel all tingly.
James bit her earlobe lightly, and kissed her neck. She closed her eyes.
"Have fun tonight," he muttered, terribly close to her ear. "Just… Come back to me tomorrow, okay?"
"Always," she whispered despite herself, knowing fully well that letting him know that made her even more vulnerable.
Lily just didn't care all that much anymore.
James smiled. "Until tomorrow, then."
"Yes."
Without another word, he turned and left. Lily stared longingly after him.
Yes, she definitely needed to talk to Leylann.
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We are taking it easy, bright and breezy, yeah
We are living it up, just fine and dandy, yeah
And it really doesn't matter that we don't eat
And it really doesn't matter if we never sleep
No, it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all…
'Cause we are so young now, we are so young, so young now
And when tomorrow comes, we can do it all again…
The Corrs, "So Young"
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Leylann loved the way Sirius' eyes sparkled with joy most of the time. Evidently, she'd already seen him angry on several occasions - that wasn't an easy sight to forget. But he laughed a lot, and liked having fun. He was a nice friend.
Of course, he and Leylann were friends with benefits. But in the end, despite everything else, that's what they really were: friends.
Leylann knew she could always count on him. She meant more to Sirius than any of his girls. She had already called him countless times in the middle of the night, when she felt especially depressed, in need of comfort. Well, all right, sometimes he wasn't available. But he was helpful whenever he was around… Their relationship wasn't just shagging. It meant something to both of them.
That didn't mean she loved him, either. Leylann had already fallen in and out of love with many guys in the past few years. Her feelings for Sirius were something different altogether. She couldn't quite place them, but they were somewhere between friendship and lust - perhaps closer to the latter.
Even though Leylann and Sirius were close, they ended up in bed together most of the times they met. It was just… normal. They'd known each other for many years, but she still lacked the ability - or willpower, for that matter - to say no to him.
Would she ever learn?
The bathroom door opened and Leylann looked him over. He had a towel around his waist, and his wet hair was uncharacteristically messy.
She stretched lazily and reclined on her pillows. He eyed her with a sly, unmistakeable grin, and she laughed. She didn't really have the energy to do much else right now.
"Any idea where my boxers are?" he asked, looking around.
Leylann shook her head.
Sirius searched in the bedroom and then walked to the bed. After looking under it - nothing there but dust -, he smiled down at Leylann, whose eyes were now closed.
"You really have no idea?" he asked softly.
Her eyes snapped open, and she jolted awake. Sirius chuckled, and she frowned. Yeah, Sirius could definitely be annoying at times.
"Check the hallway, the bathroom, the kitchen… I really don't remember!"
"Okay."
Leylann blinked slowly, falling asleep again. It took her a few seconds to realise she was almost dozing.
"Sirius?" she asked with puppy-dog, languid eyes. "I need to have a shower. Can you carry me there?"
He laughed. "You're that lazy?"
"Uh-huh," she replied, helplessly stretching her arms to him.
Smiling, he picked her up and took her to the bathroom. Sirius turned on the douche and undressed her - it wasn't hard to remove her tiny nightgown single-handedly.
When he was about to put her on the floor, she clutched his neck more tightly and snuggled closer.
"Leylann," he called gently. "Baby, wake up. Come on."
She sighed and made a few slurred sounds.
Sirius shook his head. Once Leylann fell asleep, very few things could wake her up for good; a warm shower was not necessarily one of them. He eyed the running water thoughtfully.
For once, he decided to do the charitable thing.
Leylann had to have a shower, and she was obviously too tired to do anything about it. So Sirius would have to do it for her.
He just hoped she wouldn't freak out later, since he had no idea of the order in which all those hair products had to be used…
Hm… 'Huîle pour le corps'? That looked like it was supposed to be the first one.
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I've got more than a girl could wish for
I live my dreams, but it's not all they say (…)
I've often wondered if love's an illusion
Just to get you through the loneliest days
I can't criticise it - I have no hesitation
My imagination just stole me away…
The Corrs, "All The Love In The World"
…….…….…….…….…….…….…….
Where on earth were those damned boxers?
Leylann was now cosily lying on her bed, and Sirius was busy looking for his underwear. Normally, he wouldn't have minded leaving them at Leylann's - he did that all the time -, but she'd told him that she was bringing her boyfriend to sleep over tonight, so Sirius couldn't leave any traces of his presence there.
He was so used to their arrangement that he didn't even notice the strangeness of that fact anymore. So what if Leylann was seeing another guy? She was habitually very faithful to her boyfriends - Sirius was the only exception. Naturally, she never told them that.
Nope, the boxers weren't in the hallway, either. Sirius had already checked the bathroom twice. His robes were still in Leylann's room; he hadn't bothered putting them on - there was certainly no one else in the house.
Forgetting about the boxers was a very appealing course of action, but he knew better - with his luck, the damned things were in an incredibly visible place, and Leylann's flavour of the week would notice them shortly after entering. Which reminded him - he still hadn't looked in the living room!
Yes… Now he remembered vividly...
The moment Sirius entered the room, he knew he'd made a mistake. Yes, the boxers were there - he could see them under a chair not too far away.
But he shouldn't have been walking around naked. He and Leylann weren't the only ones in the house.
Lily was there, too, standing in the middle of the living room, having apparently just arrived. After staring, shocked, for a few seconds, she grimaced, and turned around.
"I'm sorry," she hurried to say. "I shouldn't have -"
"I'm sorry," he intervened, grabbing his boxers quickly and slipping into them. "You can look now. But why the scowl? You've already seen -"
"I didn't - expect it, that's all," she said, slowly turning to face him. "Is Leylann here?"
"She's sleeping."
Lily frowned.
"Is something wrong?"
She shook her head. "No problem, I'll just wait for her to get up."
Sirius eyed her strangely. "All right then. Bye, Lil."
He hugged her and went to Leylann's room. After a few seconds, a loud popping noise indicated that he had gone. Lily lay on the comfy navy blue couch, and waited.
The green lounge had several orange lamps that clashed with the rest; the outcome was surprisingly pleasant. The walls were decorated with a few choice modern paintings that added even more colour to the room.
All in all, Leylann's décor clashed with Lily's in almost every aspect. It had been hard to find equilibrium while they'd lived together. Uncharacteristically, Lily had conceded to keep her influence on the decoration limited to her private quarters.
Lily's suite, which had glass and light marble furniture, soft lamps and pastel tones, had been the only place in the house signalling her presence. Out of nostalgia, or perhaps laziness, Leylann had changed very little in that room; it had become a guest bedroom since Lily's departure.
Looking at an especially vivid red painting, Lily scowled. She clearly remembered having endless arguments with Leylann about that one; in her opinion, it really ruined the careful colour equilibrium. It was just… too much. But, of course, Leylann didn't agree. The painting had returned to the living room wall shortly after Lily's departure.
Lily shook her head with a smile. They argued often… But they were best friends, no doubt about it. She usually took Leylann's advice very seriously, which was why she was here today.
Slowly, Lily calmed down. In truth, she already knew what Leylann was going to say, but she really needed to hear it from someone else.
Of course Lily was going to give in to James some time soon. Of course it wouldn't mean anything. Of course her attraction to James wouldn't lead to her falling in love with him again. Of course.
She just needed to be assured of it by someone who was free of her own biased reasoning.
…….…….…….…….…….…….…….