Hopelessly Addicted
Chapter 7
"Bridges of Stone"
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They say you're something I should do without
They don't know what goes on when the lights go out
There's no way to explain - all the pleasure is worth all the pain
Loving you isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't want to spend my time with you, and I should try to be strong
But, baby, you're the right kind of wrong…
LeAnn Rimes, "Right Kind of Wrong"
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Distant footsteps in the hallway woke Lily well after noon. It took her a few moments to remember where she was. Okay… she was at Leylann's house. And what exactly was she doing there? Suddenly, it hit her: James.
He was the reason for her presence. He was the one who had caused her mind to be this confused… As usual.
Oh, Merlin… What had she done? Just last night, her life had been a lot less complicated. All right, she had been attracted to him, but now she knew that he wanted her, too… Oh, no. What a mess.
James was really the only man who'd ever managed to unbalance Lily like this, and it annoyed her to no end.
"Li - Li - Lily?" Leylann called, yawning.
She sat up and looked at her best friend. Leylann looked positively sleepy: her short black hair was messy and she was rubbing her eyes. Lily smiled.
Leylann stared at Lily for a few seconds. Her facial expression had become alert, and alarmed.
"Oh no," she groaned. "Oh no, Lil, what have you done?"
Lily blinked innocently. "What?"
Her phoney naïveté caused Leylann to roll her eyes. "You have that look - the look on Sirius' face after he screws up, or plays a prank on someone. What have you done? Spill it."
"I - I -"
Leylann kept staring at Lily, waiting.
"I want him… oh, Leylann, I want him so badly!" Lily moaned at last, burying her face in her hands. "And I can't have him, and I have a date with Ben… But I don't even care…"
"Ben? You met Ben?"
"Yeah."
"How is he?"
Lily grinned. "He's great."
"And you're going on a date with him?"
"Yes. Partly to annoy James, of course."
"James? What does James have to do with anything?"
"He - oh, Merlin, we -"
Leylann stared at Lily. "You -"
"No… We didn't even kiss, but…"
"Lil, please, just tell me you didn't -"
"We did nothing, okay? We just fooled around a little, nothing serious. But the truth is I do want him, more than anything."
Leylann rubbed her temple with a pained facial expression. "When did this happen? How did it happen?"
"We were just… alone," Lily explained lamely.
"You guys work alone every single day."
"It was different - we both wanted it this time… He's irresistible, Leylann. A force of nature. I can't control him, and I sure as hell can't control myself when I'm near him."
"Okay, where did this come from? I'd really hoped you'd be able to resist him this time… Lily, he's Julia's boyfriend. Remember Julia? That innocent, gullible friend of yours?"
Lily sighed. "I know… And he might even like her - I don't think so, but I'm not sure. I just know that it's me he wants."
"And you want him, too. Despite everything."
She nodded.
"All right, let me get this straight: you spent six years trying to get over this guy -"
"I did get over him!"
"Right. And now, at the first opportunity, you are completely willing to give it all up and get back together with him?"
"I don't want to get back together with him…" Lily protested feebly.
Leylann raised an eyebrow. "Oh, sure."
"Really! We just want to have some fun, that's all… I'm not in love with him anymore; it's just lust, I swear."
Leylann sighed and sat beside Lily. "You sound like you're trying to convince yourself, Lil, not me."
"No, I -"
"Listen," Leylann intervened soberly. "You know perfectly well what you're getting into. I won't tell you not to get it on with him. I'm just - Merlin, Lil, do you remember what happened last time? Do you really want to go down that road?"
"It's not the same thing… It doesn't feel the same."
"It's just physical attraction?" Leylann asked, looking into Lily's eyes gravely. "Are you sure?"
Suddenly, Lily realised that her break-up with James had traumatized Leylann almost as much as it had her. Lily's depression and utter misery weren't easy to forget… But things would be different this time. She didn't love him anymore - she was certain of it.
"Positive," she answered without hesitation.
Leylann was silent, and then cracked a smile. "Do you reckon James and Sirius'll want to start planning those crazy -"
Lily laughed, remembering those times all too well. "It's likely."
"Well, then please hurry up," joked Leylann, grinning broadly. "We're missing out on a lot."
"I'll do my best," Lily replied, her eyes twinkling naughtily. "He won't even know what hit him."
…….…….…….…….…….…….…….
We don't need romance - we only wanna dance
We're gonna let our hair hang down…
The best thing about being a woman is the prerogative to have a little party
Oh, go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady - men's shirts, short skirts
Oh, really go wild, yeah, doing it in style
Oh, get in the action, feel the attraction…
Shania Twain, "Man! I feel like a woman!"
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Oh, if only Alain weren't so clingy! His endless talk of 'spending time with her' was so desperately boring! Couldn't he see that she needed some space? He didn't even live with her, why did he insist on being at her place all the time?
Deep inside, Lily knew she wasn't being very reasonable. Well, screw reasonable! What did she care if Alain loved her? It sure as hell wasn't her fault! In fact, right now, there was nothing she wanted less than to be with him!
Alain was the reason that she was at the office now. Lily had told him she would spend the evening working there (how could he possibly be so naïve?)… She was now getting ready for her date with Ben. She had just had a shower, and was trying to decide what to wear.
Lily was normally not a very indecisive person, but choosing an outfit for a date with Ben was always hard. She had brought an assortment of dresses, shoes, and jewelery.
The truth was that she couldn't decide how she wanted to look: warmly casual, aloofly elegant, utterly sexy… Lily shook her head. Why did everything have to be so complicated?
Well, one thing was certain: she definitely needed to buy some new clothes. She hadn't done so in over a month! To anyone that knew her, that fact was downright alarming.
Lily looked at her reflection pensively. No, this green dress showed way too much cleavage…
"Knock-knock," a voice said suddenly, startling her.
A voice. A voice. Yeah, right. She'd recognised that voice instinctively, instantly. It was his voice. She could never, ever mistake James Potter for anyone else.
Lily didn't turn, but she knew he was standing in the doorway, watching her.
"Hey," she said, scowling at the mirror. No, this dress was definitely not good enough.
"Oh no," he groaned, realising what was happening. "You're trying to decide what to wear, aren't you?"
She grinned. "Precisely. Do you want to help?"
He chuckled. "Nah, I happen to think you always look gorgeous. The dress you're wearing is great, by the way. If you want help picking lingerie, though -"
"No, thanks," she replied, laughing. "I've got it covered."
"Well, I'll be here at my desk if you need me."
Lily reached for the suitcase she'd brought from home (James rolled his eyes at the sight), and grabbed several other dresses, throwing them on her desk.
"Oh, I have nothing to wear," she moaned.
James shook his head. Julia knew better than to bother him with these existentialist anguishes women go through from time to time… Lily, on the other hand, had never cared enough about his mental sanity to refrain from talking about them when he was around.
"What am I supposed to wear, James?"
He closed his eyes, trying to avoid that dreadful feeling of déjà vu. This wasn't happening…
"What about that black one right there? You look good in black."
She lifted the dress and examined it. It was tiny.
"Are you sure you'd like to see me go out on a date with another guy wearing this? It's terribly slutty."
"You're right," he said thoughtfully. "I wouldn't mind if you wore it to work one of these days, though."
She grinned. "We'll see. Any more ideas?"
He shook his head. "I give up."
Lily turned to examine the pile of dresses. "I have no clothes," she complained again. "I need to go shopping."
"I'm sure you do," he replied tentatively, not sure of which statement he was concurring with, trying hard to keep the sarcastic tone from his voice.
"What do I wear?"
Resignedly, James decided to answer in the best way possible, trying to get Lily to 'wake up' and actually be more like herself - that determined, hot-tempered girl of whom he was so irrationally fond.
"Oh, come on, Lil - are you actually asking me to help you pick clothes so that you can look sexy for another guy?" he asked with annoyance he did not really feel. "Give me a break! If it depended on me, you wouldn't even go!"
Well, that was actually true. James didn't like the idea of Lily spending time with Benjamin, not at all.
She frowned; within seconds, her demeanour had changed drastically. "Well, I'm sorry, James, but I am going! I have a boyfriend, for goodness' sake! Why on earth are you jealous of Ben? You don't own me! None of you do!"
He suppressed a grin. "I know that… But, you know, if anyone did own you, it would be me."
"No, it wouldn't!"
"Yes, it would."
"No one will ever own me!"
"I'm just saying… If anyone did -"
"It wouldn't be you!"
"Who would it be, then?" he asked, looking at her with intense interest.
She hesitated. "Well -"
He grinned. "Me."
Lily blinked a few times, trying to think of a good comeback.
"All right… Look, it definitely wouldn't be Alain. I mean, who are you kidding? Seriously. You like this guy even less than I like Julia, and we both know it. So that leaves Benjy… and me."
"He hates it when people call him 'Benjy,'" Lily muttered inattentively. "And what makes you think I'd pick you over him?"
He grinned and looked her in the eye. "Oh, you would."
Lily clenched her jaw, annoyed at the fact that James knew her this well, that he toyed with her instincts in such a merciless way… Above all, the fact that he was right irritated her.
"Well, you know what? I'm just going to get dressed and go on my date," she said, grabbing the dress on top of the pile and going to the bathroom. "I'm almost late. And, James, keep this in mind - regardless of whatever there is between us, I'm going out with him."
"You're also going out with Alain," he replied at once. "Is that supposed to be a sign of anything?"
Lily sighed, exasperated, and slammed the bathroom door. When she left, wearing a long blue dress, he grinned.
"Okay, so no one owns you… But the one who's closest to it is me. We've established that fact, right?"
"Why is it so important to you anyway?"
He shrugged. "I just wanted to anger you a bit. I figured that would help you choose your clothes faster."
For a few seconds, Lily was frozen in place, stupidly staring at him. "Are you serious?"
He nodded, smiling. "It worked, didn't it?"
She laughed. "You're insane."
"I just know you too well."
"Yeah, that too."
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You can only push someone so far; you can only break so many hearts
We used to love one another; now it's lust for your lover
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone (…)
You can only wait for so long; in this game we play, can't tell right from wrong
You can only wait so long…
Hanson, "Bridges of Stone"
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The maitre d' smiled courteously.
"Miss Evans," he saluted, bowing his head slightly. "Please follow me."
The atmosphere of the restaurant wasn't particularly romantic. The lights weren't too dim, and the discreet candle on each table could have gone unnoticed if it hadn't been for the simple yet beautiful floral arrangement surrounding it.
Lily and Ben had met in this restaurant over five years ago. Not long after breaking up, they had met there again by accident, and had ended up settling their differences. Since then, it had been "their place." They never took any other dates there.
There was a jonquil - Lily's favourite flower - on the table, right beside her napkin. Ben's Armani was perfect, just for a change. Elegance was a part of him, so indissoluble that Lily couldn't possibly imagine him in a shabby outfit. His very presence suggested politeness, gentleness, and poise.
'Completely different, for instance,' Lily couldn't help but thinking, 'from James. He looks great in a suit, too, and he's quite a natural, but - ah, he has his own charms.'
Suddenly, Lily caught herself. Heavens, she was on a date with Ben and all she could think of was James!
Resolutely pushing away all thoughts of her attractive co-worker - 'Oh yeah, Lily Evans, like that's all he is to you!' -, she sat in front of Ben, noticing with satisfaction that his weren't the only eyes watching her every move. Many other diners were looking at her.
Lily knew she looked especially stunning tonight; she always tried to outdo herself whenever she met Ben. Her silken dark blue dress was strapless, and showed a lot of cleavage. Of course he couldn't help but stare.
"Hello," she greeted him, smiling.
"Hey," he replied. "You look fantastic."
"Thank you."
"So - you're working here now?"
"Yeah. I still live in Paris - I'm still dating Alain, actually -, but I work here."
"That's great."
She could tell that Ben was dying to ask what exactly was going on between Lily and James, but she really didn't want to make it any easier for him.
"With James Potter," he said after a while.
"Yes."
Benjamin frowned, obviously concerned. "I don't think -"
"He and I work very well together, Ben. Everyone knows it."
"How are things between you two?"
Lily paused to think about it. "Well… we don't really get along that well."
Ben sighed. "That wasn't the vibe I got this morning, Lil."
She bit her lower lip. What kind of vibe had he gotten? Had he noticed her attraction for James? Well, he had probably just sensed James' jealousy…
"He still wants you. And you know that."
Lily didn't answer.
"Watch out, Lily. That guy hurt you - the wounds were so deep that they still affect you. Don't get involved with him again. You're only going to get hurt."
"I'm a big girl, Ben," she said after a few seconds, lifting her chin proudly. "I can take care of myself."
"Of course you can," he agreed. "I'm just worried."
'No, I can't,' Lily thought immediately. 'Or so would have been James' immediate response.'
"Be careful, okay?" he asked, reaching out to hold her hand.
Lily froze. Something had glinted from his left hand.
Ben was married.
Lily held her breath. She'd lost him. Oh, boy… Of course she should have seen it coming. She couldn't possibly have hoped that he would've kept waiting for her, especially considering that she would never go back to him.
'No,' she reasoned calmly. 'It's fair. It's for the best.'
Lily had nothing against fooling around with married guys. In fact, she preferred to get involved with them, since they were about as willing to commit as she was.
But Ben's marriage signalled something: he was really trying to put his feelings for her behind him. Of course his presence on a date with her also meant that he wasn't being very successful.
Lily was beginning to realise that she didn't care. The real reason that she'd led him on for so long was -
Yes… Everything seemed so absurdly clear now that it was almost laughable. She wasn't in love with Ben. She had never been, and she never would be. Perhaps she had loved him at some point, but she had never really fallen in love with him.
His feelings had been so explosive, so passionate, that she had tricked herself into believing that she had held real feelings for him, too.
But she hadn't, and she didn't.
"You're married," she breathed out, looking at him.
He nodded, reaching for his glass of water.
"Angela?"
"Yes. That's why I went to France last Christmas… I wanted to invite you, but - well, you remember what happened."
She continued staring at him dazedly.
"You're a hard act to follow, you know," he muttered.
She took a few deep breaths, wondering what her reaction should be. What did he expect? Was she supposed to suddenly realise what she'd lost and beg him to take her back?
Well, if Ben expected that, he certainly didn't know Lily at all.
"You cold, heartless bitch," growled a voice behind her, a voice Lily knew belonged to Angela… Angela Fenwick.
Yes… Angela was right. She was heartless now. Losing James for the first time had hurt immensely, of course. But she'd learned her lesson well since then. Losing Ben hadn't hurt nearly as much; Lily had dumped him consciously, allowing logic to take full control of her life.
Now she was about to lose James again, to Julia, and that didn't bother her. She'd just lost Ben for good; only her ego had been wounded. Alain… Losing Alain would probably relieve her more than anything; he certainly wouldn't be missed.
Yes, she was heartless.
She'd been trying to get to this stage for years. She just didn't care enough about any of them - her heart was no longer her greatest weakness. It was great!
In the middle of her mental celebratory dance, Lily suddenly paused. Why did she feel so guilty about it?
…….…….…….…….…….…….…….
I never thought I'd be speaking these words
I never thought I'd need to say
But one more day alone is more than I can take…
Won't you save me? Saving's what I need
I just wanna be by your side… Won't you save me?
I don't wanna be just drifting through the sea of life…
Hanson, "Save Me"
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Lily turned to face the newcomer. "Hello, Mrs. Fenwick," she said with cold civility.
Angela's eyes flashed; though her fury was obviously directed at Lily now, she was also very angry with her husband.
"Honey -" he began.
She silenced him with a gesture. "I thought your - relationship with Benjamin was over, Miss Evans."
"It is."
"Then why on earth -"
"We met by chance this morning, Angela," Lily explained. "We just wanted to catch up, that's all."
"Get up and look at me in the eye, Lily Evans," she snarled. "Let's see if you have the guts to lie to me face to face."
Lily stood. When she did so, she spotted Leylann and her boyfriend at once, sitting not too far away.
Oh, this was no coincidence. Leylann was just being nosy; she had certainly guessed that Ben would bring Lily to this restaurant - he always did… Right then, she looked at Lily, and, though surprised, remained serene and waved discreetly.
Lily made a face she hoped Leylann would recognize as a desperate plea for help, and faced Angela.
"We're just old friends."
"Then why," Mrs. Fenwick asked angrily, "are you having a romantic dinner - candlelight, flowers, and everything?"
"We both like this restaurant," Lily answered simply.
Benjamin stared at her, amazed (as usual) by her extraordinary lying skills. How she managed to tell such shocking untruths with a straight face was beyond him.
Mrs. Fenwick also seemed to have realised that Lily would not falter in her adamant version of the truth. So she turned to face her husband instead, suspicion still in her eyes. The two of them would have to lie a lot more than that to pull the wool over her eyes.
"Do you have anything to add?"
"I was just telling Lily I'd gotten married," he said hesitatingly. "She has a boyfriend, too. I - I swear, honey, it's not like -"
"Oh, shut up," Angela interrupted him with disgust. "You make me sick."
Ben shrank and lowered his head. Lily threw him a look of scorn and disappointment, which Angela didn't miss, even though she didn't understand it.
In a corner of her mind, Angela started actually considering the possibility that Lily had been speaking the truth.
The anger in her voice started to wane. "And does your boyfriend know you're here?" she asked, glancing at her husband with contempt. "Because Benjamin here told me he was dining with co-workers."
Lily threw him the same look again, and Angela grinned.
"I'm sorry, Angela," Lily replied evenly. "My boyfriend does know I'm here. I assure you this is not a date."
"And who exactly is your boyfriend?"
Lily opened her mouth to answer, but heard a voice behind her that made her stop in her tracks.
"Lil?"
It was James.
Leylann had probably called him… Oh, bless her! There was no one else she would have rather seen right then.
She turned; the grin on her face when she greeted James was so broad and delighted that it caught him by surprise. He tried hard not to show it.
James had absolutely no idea what was happening. Leylann had just called him and said that Lily needed help with an uncomfortable situation that had come up in the middle of her date with Ben.
She slipped her hand into his, and faced Angela proudly. "Angela, this is my boyfriend, James Potter. James, this is Ben's wife, Angela Fenwick."
The look on Ben's face was priceless, but Lily ignored it. James was caught off guard once more, but he soon came to his senses and greeted Mrs. Fenwick. He'd already caught on; his perceptiveness was one of the things Lily liked best about him.
"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Fenwick," he said with a charming smile.
Ben cringed, and Lily knew precisely what he was thinking: 'Don't you dare flirt with both of them, Potter.'
Angela observed James with slight distrust for a few seconds, but soon decided that he was genuine. "Nice to meet you too."
"Well, honey," James said, looking at Lily with a twinkle of amusement in his eyes, "I'm sorry to interrupt your dinner, but duty calls - something came up at the office."
"Okay," she agreed with a smile.
"I'm sorry, Benjamin," he added as an afterthought.
"It's all right," Ben replied quietly, sulking.
"I apologise for this mess, Angela," Lily said with a slight smile. "Goodbye. Bye, Ben."
"Bye, Lil."
"Bye, Lily - I'm sorry, I really overreacted -"
"It was understandable," she interrupted dismissively.
Lily and James walked away together, still holding hands. When they passed by Leylann's table, Lily threw her a we'll-talk-about-this-later look.
But she wasn't angry with Leylann. In fact, she wasn't even angry with Angela.
The prospect of spending some more time with James was more pleasant than anything involving Benjamin.
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