Hopelessly Addicted
Chapter 21
"And so it is..."
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Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are (...)
Summer has come and past; the innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends...
Green Day, "Wake Me Up When September Ends"
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"James, have you seen Lily?"
He glanced at Leylann half-dazedly. "She's already left."
She let out an exasperated sigh, knowing he wasn't paying full attention. What was he thinking about? Indeed, what was he thinking, getting Julia pregnant and shagging Lily on the side? James was stupid, stupid, stupid - inconsequential as it was -, and so outrageously irritating... He was about to break Lily's heart again; did he have any idea?
If not, Leylann didn't want to be the one to give him the bad news. Let him face Julia - let him deal with the situation as he wished. On the other hand, Lily had to be informed. It was imperative, urgent; how would she react? Perhaps it would be better to have James tell her, but no; they were both overly emotionally involved.
Leylann needed to think, think... Knowing James, he'd take full responsibility and marry the pregnant girl. She groaned, massaged her aching temple, and felt sadness overcoming her for what was about to happen.
James was giving her a weird look; she avoided meeting his eyes and Disapparated. It was impolite, she knew; Leylann didn't really care. Lily, Lily... where could she be? Her first guess was home - her own apartment, that is, not James', for obvious reasons. Then she'd go to the office, and perhaps Valerie's... No, she was bound to be at the office.
James knew where Lily had gone, of course, but Leylann hadn't exactly asked him. He went to the kitchen to get something to drink, wondering how, exactly, he would tell Julia he didn't love her anymore. It wasn't as if he never had - actually, that was precisely what it was.
He sighed. He couldn't dump all this on her, not out of the blue. On the other hand, she was perceptive enough to notice something the whole wizarding world took for granted: Lily and James were married and in love.
People made small talk with him; James answered mechanically, his brain working at full-speed. It wasn't Julia's fault; she had done nothing wrong. She didn't deserve this - she didn't deserve him.
"Hey," he breathed out when Julia entered, taking him by surprise. It was a decent start, he figured. Did she already know what was coming? Could she tell from the empty looks, the nervous fidgeting with the dishrag?
"Hey."
Julia seemed calm, surprisingly so; James was relieved... or maybe not. That meant she hadn't realised what was about to happen. Not even the heartless bastard who parades his marriage right in front of me, she'd figured, would end our relationship on my birthday. Well, she was wrong. He felt even guiltier now.
"We need to talk."
She acquiesced. "Yes. We do."
He almost raised an eyebrow, almost asked her to react properly. This wasn't standard Julia behaviour - sweet, emotive, caring Julia...
"I think -"
"I'm pregnant," she interrupted him abruptly with a half-smile. She expected no delighted reaction, it seemed; it was a fact of life, a simple, trivial fact, with predictable consequences. It was an invisible punch in the stomach; he nearly doubled over, feeling an exquisite, steely pain.
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Who made up all the rules? We follow them like fools
Believe them to be true; don't care to think them through
And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry it's like this
I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this...
Jem, "They"
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James was numb, stunned, and uncomprehending. What had just happened? Ten seconds ago, he'd been worrying about how to break up with Julia in a not-so-cruel way. What, how, why had this happened?
Oh, he knew how. Even in his current mind-boggled state, James wasn't entirely stupid. He didn't remember any occasion when they'd forgotten the Infertility Charm, but did it even matter now? He had to make a choice. He had to decide what he was going to do about it, and it would change his life for good.
A child wasn't like any other temporary relationship. James knew he would never want he or she to grow up without his constant presence. He was also sure that he didn't want to lose Lily; he didn't want to keep Julia. She wouldn't be a burden if Lily weren't in the picture, of course... Nothing could restore that balance, now that his wife was back.
"What - what can I -"
"James," Julia said soberly, boring into his eyes with bothersome certitude. Should he cling to her, now that his confusion was overwhelming? He couldn't; she would never understand... "I have no one's support. My mother knows about your marriage with Lily; she considers this a child born out of wedlock, a shameful thing. I can't -" she almost sobbed, "do this on my own. You know that."
He did know. Julia wasn't strong enough to go on with this alone, and he couldn't possibly ask it of her. But Lily, what about Lily?
"I - I have to - think -" he stuttered, avoiding her eyes, cringing inside, life and determination flowing out of him more and more every second. "I need time to think..."
Julia shook her head. "Your child needs a father!"
"But -"
"There are no buts, James!" her exclamation bordered on pure hysteria. James was trapped inside a nightmare, terror-struck, helplessly cornered. He wasn't old enough to have a child. He wanted to have fun; he didn't want to be tied to Julia forever - not Julia!
She looked angry, perhaps disappointed. He couldn't deal with her wacky hormones at the moment. Lily, he needed Lily. She would sort this out; she would tell him everything was going to be all right, wouldn't she? She had to!
Lily was - where again? He'd forgotten. Ah, yes, she'd gone to her old apartment in Paris. He ignored Julia and Disapparated, much like Leylann had done, instantly arriving at the front door. He hadn't given the location half a thought; he remembered it at once. Perhaps it was one of those little magic events that happened when wizards were in trouble; perhaps sheer instinct had guided him to Lily.
Yeah, great! Now James was becoming melodramatic, on top of it all. The thought of losing Lily was unbearable, ever-present. The enormity of the fact itself - he was about to have a child - shocked him much less than what her reaction would be, and what he would have to do now.
James knew that he couldn't possibly break up with Lily. Unless she showed him another option, however, that was precisely what he had to do now.
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Every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you die?
But you're still alive! And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you ran away
It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know...
Alanis Morisette, "You Oughta Know"
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James rang once, twice; no one answered. It was well past midnight, but he hadnÕt remembered to check his watch. Where was Lily? He considered entering the apartment anyway, and Apparated at once.
All lights were off. There were a few boxes here and there, bags, trunks, children's stuff - James felt a strange pang, like an unpleasant memory trying to come through - it didn't make sense; Julia's pregnancy was all he could think of, really. Huddled in a corner was the confused shape of a kneeling woman; it was Lily.
"Leylann sent me an owl," she announced unnecessarily, glancing at him. He could see it in her eyes; yet again, he was causing her pain. Lily knew James had made his choice, even if he didn't. She knew him; she knew him...
"I didn't -"
"I know you didn't," she intervened impatiently. "But you did."
"Lily, I -"
"Will you bother arguing, James? You know what you want to do, even though you really wish you didn't..."
He gave her a frail smile. "This would probably be easier if you didn't know me that well."
She bit her lip and dodged his apologising, pleading eyes. "Right."
"I can't," he stated firmly, staring at the wall ahead and sitting beside her. Something steely in his eyes melted; his gaze bled, froze, cut through her own.
She shrugged blankly. Lily's heightened defences and forced self-control revealed more than her hidden tears. "You will - again."
"It's different, this time. I don't want to leave you."
Lily laughed humourlessly, a dry, nervous cackle. Life was a joke - this situation was a prank - he was the only one who still hadn't caught on. "You wanted to leave me back then? That's... good to know, James, really. I didn't; I still don't. But you've always seemed to deal with this sort of thing better than I."
"You know that's not true. It's something - beyond our will, this time."
"Sure. It feels familiar, though, doesn't it? Only - there won't be another chance for us this time. It's for good. Last time, I promised I'd return..."
"This time, you're promising not to?" James asked, lips ironically twisted - no one would call that a smile. "It's beyond our will, remember? I may divorce one day; we'll meet... Well, who knows? I'm not saying I won't come back to you, that's all."
She laughed again, mocking him, her spiteful eyes disdaining his ridiculous position. Lily hated him right now, more than anyone could have - and to this he clung fiercely; this situation had broken her, changed her. She still loved him. "I wondered if we'd ever learn - if I would ever learn... We'd inevitably get hurt again."
"We're not meant to be, are we?" he demanded, his voice quivering with caustic, white-hot pain. Lily wanted to show him how hurt she was. So be it; James would do the same. She'd cried all her tears, it seemed; he had yet to shed his, far from her.
"It doesn't matter anymore. I just - didn't think it would happen so soon. I didn't even know if I'd be able to leave you again."
"Well, you're pretty good at it. We seem to enjoy leaving precisely when it hurts us the most."
She frowned, unsure of herself, desperately wanting to be strong and not knowing how to go about it. "How will you deal with this?"
James smiled. "I didn't, last time, and look where it got me... I know how to get rid of this as well as you do. That is, I don't."
"You do realise we'll still be seeing each other every day at work, right?"
"Hmm, yes. That should be lovely."
Lily leaned against the wall, closing her eyes. James knew what was going on in her mind - thoughts, regrets, longings - and felt sorry, desperately sorry. This was his fault, again; he brushed his fingers against Lily's cheek almost in a reflex. He wanted to tell her everything was going to be all right...
"Stop!" she exclaimed suddenly, glowering. "Do you want to see me miserable? James, do you need to see me crying around the corners for some twisted reason of your own? Are you sadistic enough to demand despair as proof of my love for you? Isn't it enough to know I'm - I'm -"
James examined her sadly. He could identify and understand the transition going on in Lily's mind; he read it in her eyes - furious, hollow, hurt, desperately neutral. He knew she was about to cry, but she didn't want him to see it, Merlin knew why.
He knew she was vulnerable. He knew he'd completely shattered her illusion of control. Restraining her appearance, how far he could see her pain, was all she could try to do. He wasn't sadistic enough to appreciate her pain; it was too close to him; it hurt; this was James at his most masochistic.
Oh, there she went again. With a supreme effort, Lily had once more mastered herself. When she spoke, James already knew that she wouldn't mean whatever it was that she was going to say, or the tone with which she said it. It still hurt; it made him wonder just how many years of her otherwise good life Lily had wasted with a bastard who always broke her heart in the end.
"I suppose we need to file for divorce," she stated, taking a deep breath and staring at her left hand. "I'll do that first thing Monday morning. I'll find some kind of excuse; it shouldn't be too hard. We'll have to tell the press, too."
"We will."
"I suppose you'll... want this back?" Lily asked, nodding towards the wedding band.
He shook his head firmly. "No. It's yours - has been for a long time."
"Can you leave?"
"Yes, I suppose that's better."
Lily nodded, avoiding his eyes again. What was she thinking now? Did she simply need some space to cry, to punish herself for being foolhardy enough to fall for James again - for still loving a guy like him, despite everything?
He stood. "You know, I came here hoping you'd offer me an alternative."
"What, you wanted me to say you could continue cheating on Julia?" she sighed. "I would do so, really, but... no. I could never be your 'other woman' - not you, not after all this."
"You would never be the 'other one'," James replied lamely. "She would, no matter what the rest of the world thinks."
"And that's not fair for her, now is it?" Lily's cynical laugh made him frown. "She must've had a hard time getting pregnant despite your carefulness. It's only fair you reward her accordingly."
"What? You think she -"
She rolled her eyes. "Please. Of course she did it on purpose."
James had not thought of that. He hadn't had time to think it through; now, however, he realised that this theory made perfect sense.
"It doesn't change a thing, though. She played dirty, I guess, but she does get to keep you."
James surveyed his soon-to-be ex-wife's facial expression with disgust. He hated himself for this; he'd never forgive Julia; he regretted everything, everything... If Lily had remained in France, he wouldn't have been as happy, but she wouldn't have been as hurt.
Had it been worth it?
"I wish you'd never come back," he muttered bitterly, meaning every word. "I wish I'd never laid eyes on you again. Now that everything is said and done, however, I only wish you deal with this mess better than I will."
Lily acquiesced.
"If you need me, Lily-"
"I won't."
"All right, then."
Suddenly, Lily found herself alone again. It was a new, cold anxiety creeping in, suffocating her, and she hated it.
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Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now, it looks as though they're here to stay (...)
Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now, I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday...
The Beatles, "Yesterday"
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The sound of the door opening startled Sirius; he looked away from the girl in his arms to see his best friend's silhouette. It was grave, crestfallen. Sirius held his breath for a second, closed his eyes - not again, not when everything seemed to be working! -, and didn't hesitate.
"I have to talk to James," he muttered, disentangling himself from Karen. No one, least of all this girl, whom he'd only been seeing for a week or two, would prevent him from finding out what had happened. In truth, Sirius didn't really want to know. Things had been perfectly fine the way they were...
She seemed offended, and threw James an indignant glare. He didn't shrug it off as usual, but didn't bother acting apologetic. He simply absorbed the feeling - it was one of those the-world-hates-me moods Sirius abhorred.
After a moment's angry realisation - Sirius wouldn't get back to what they'd been doing; he definitely wanted her to leave -, Karen collected her clothes and strode into the bathroom, slamming the door.
James stared uninterestedly ahead. "I'm sorry to have interrupted," he began, with a strange kind of humour that was entirely lost on Sirius.
"What happened?"
James sighed and closed his eyes. It was hard for him to put it into words; it made everything much worse - so real... "Julia's pregnant."
Sirius' tone was almost bored, as if he'd been expecting this predictable turn of events. "And you decided to be responsible about it and leave Lily."
He nodded, trying too hard to seem dignified and sacrificial. He wanted pity, perhaps. Well, he wouldn't get any. Sirius felt an angry turmoil inside him; but that could be merely a selfish feeling - after all, who wanted to deal with miserable, heartbroken James again?
"Fuck, James! How bloody stupid are you?"
He grimaced. "It was a bad decision, you think?"
"Come on, Prongs - this is entirely unnecessary. Give the kid some money, see him on weekends, but you don't have to waste your entire life because of that!"
"I couldn't live with myself if I did that. You know that I-"
"You know what will end up happening," Sirius interrupted him levelly.
"No. I don't."
Sirius raised a sceptic eyebrow, but instantly realised what James' point would be. "But now youÕve seen Lily. Now you do want to be with her. It won't be like before!"
"It can very well be."
As his friend, Sirius probably had to support James' choice; as Prongs' best friend, Padfoot couldn't fail to express his annoyance, and repeatedly hit James over the head with it.
Sirius wanted to punch James, make him realise how utterly unreasonable his decision was, but he knew he wouldn't succeed. Prongs was stubborn, he told himself sadly; he would never listen.
"If you want sympathy, Prongs, go talk to Peter, or Remus," he said tiredly. "You're a daft prick for insisting on this."
James could've asked why Sirius was acting so harsh; he could've complained and argued that his friends were supposed to be helpful in times like this. Nevertheless, he knew that Sirius would be there for him, eventually - but, right now, he had to make a point. No one else would put it so bluntly.
And James wanted to accept his suggestion, he really did. He just... couldn't.
"I don't want sympathy, but I hate myself enough for this. I don't really need to be lectured."
Sirius shrugged. They were silent for a while; suddenly, he said, "All right. So we're not blaming Julia for this, aye?"
"No. It's entirely my fault."
"Prongs, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but -"
One glance at James' facial expression made Sirius change his mind. He could never remain angry with his friends for too long. In the end, he was a softie inside. And he did pity the poor guy.
"Good luck, mate."
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Get the hell out of this town; find some conversation
The low-fuel lights been on for days; it doesn't mean anything (...)
We'll never have to listen to anyone about anything
'Cause it's all been done, and it's all been said
We're the coolest kids and we take what we can get...
Brand New, "Soco Amaretto Lime"
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The room was dark when Lily Apparated, but it didn't take her long to identify Leylann sitting on the main couch. It took the brunette only a glance to realise what had happened; she'd been expecting it and fearing it, much like Lily herself.
"Oh," Leylann said, less eloquently than she would have hoped. She never knew what to say in these situations; past experience indicated that Lily preferred to be left alone, but perhaps things would be different this time.
"You don't have to -" Lily waved vaguely towards herself, her trembling hand reflecting what little light came from the hallways. The gestured denied itself; Lily did need support; why else would she have come here, of all places?
Leylann wasn't sure she knew how to deal with this. Naturally, she'd done her share of helping -girlfriends who'd -been dumped, but nothing this... extreme.
"How was it?"
"Pretty good, actually," Lily shrugged. "We've broken up. You know."
Leylann nodded. Of course she wouldn't ask how Lily was, or anything self-evident of the sort. How should she act? She had no idea; she never did, actually. Each break-up was different, had its own depressing peculiarities... It was often better just to be there.
"It was bound to happen," Lily breathed out, sitting on the sofa, gazing ahead with a strange mix of bravery and nonchalant fatalism. "I knew it; I've always known it; why was I so surprised?"
They were silent. Leylann conjured two mugs of steaming hot tea, and waved her hand over them - the peculiar kind of small wandless magic all wizards were capable of doing -, cooling the drink.
"You would much rather lose him - in a different way, I guess?" Leylann prodded gently. "The fact that itÕs Julia makes it much worse.Ó
"Does it?"
Lily sipped her tea, trying to examine herself from a careful distance. Was she jealous of Julia? Did she resent her former friend intensively enough to hate her? It wasn't hard to find an answer. Yes.
But why else would she have lost James? They loved each other. They wouldn't have broken up otherwise; he had asked her to move in with him, for heaven's sake! It was useless to wonder why she had to lose him - she just did. She'd done something wrong from the start.
They had been wrong. They shouldn't have done all that; she knew it now. This mess with Julia wouldn't have happened, for one...
"Yes," she mused out loud, not entirely aware that Leylann hadn't followed her trail of thought. "See, it would have happened anyway, somehow, eventually. But I do hate her. I hate her for doing this consciously. I hate her for ruining my life with James on a whim. I had no idea that Julia would be so vindictive. I thought she was... meek."
"She is. But - well, you kind of pushed her limits, Lily."
"Oh, yes. I was wrong. It doesn't mean I'm not supposed to feel miserable, does it?"
"Of course not."
Lily slid to the floor and hugged her knees, burying her face in her arms. Her voice sounded muffled; she seemed about to cry; it had taken her long enough.
"I'm supposed to mention that I miss James' strong, comforting arms right about now, right?"
Leylann smiled.
"Well, I do, but I don't feel as awful as I thought I would."
"I know."
Silence again. Lily thought about everything that had happened so far; she knew - she was absolutely certain that her mood would worsen later. She was still startled; the night's events hadn't sunk in properly yet.
She didn't need to glance up at her friend to know her facial expression: Leylann was concerned. She'd help Lily, even though the latter had often ignored her in the past few days. A sudden pang of guilt overcame the redhead; she had neglected her friends because of a guy who'd already broken up with her.
Where was Valerie? She'd been staying at Leylann's - so had Gin, actually -, and Lily hadn't even bothered to ask...
She looked at the hallway; the lights seemed be coming from her room. Valerie was probably staying there. She'd want to know what had happened, too...
Lily would have plenty of support. This wouldn't be too hard.
"Leylann?"
"Hm?"
"Thank you."
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I was too weak to give in, too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again, but I'll break loose (...)
Has someone taken your faith? It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love, you die to heal; the hope that starts the broken hearts
You trust - you must confess...
Foo Fighters, "Best of You"
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It had been hard to decide whether or not to come to the office. Ordinarily, James wouldn't have hesitated; it was the best place to think during weekends and late at night. The familiar lonely environment helped him concentrate and think properly. The problem was that Lily thought so, too, and he could run into her here.
She could assume that he would go and not do so, of course. Or she could think that he would think that she would be there and not go, so she would be able to. Or he could stop conjecturing and take the chance of meeting her. It wouldn't be that awful, James reasoned, ignoring how much he truly dreaded the possibility.
He had quickly decided not to speak to Julia again tonight - she certainly thought that he needed this time to cope with the news - and leave. Naturally, there was someone at the office when James Apparated.
It didn't take him long, however, to realise that it wasn't Lily, but Fabian. He was busily stirring a potion, and barely looked up when the Chief Auror entered.
"What are you doing here?" James asked, genuinely surprised. None of his colleagues - other than Lily, of course - had ever had the habit of working until late at night.
"Working," Fabian replied curtly. It was evident that James wasn't the only one having a bad day. He decided to ignore his own predicament for a while and find out what Fabian was going through; perhaps it would help, even. What good could come of constant sulking?
"What's wrong?"
"I - had a fight with Gideon, nothing serious."
James sat at the front desk, suddenly unwilling to work. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"
"I don't mind." Fabian sighed, and kneeled beside the steaming cauldron. "I just - ugh. I hate arguing with him. We're so different, but we know each other unnervingly well... We always say too much."
James nodded understandingly; he hated arguing with Sirius, too.
"We're arguing about whose turn was it to do the dishes, you know - and it's nothing bad, for Merlin's sake, it's just a bloody spell, and suddenly he hates my girlfriend, we're complaining about things that had happened years ago, and Dad, and-" he sighed again. "I was upset, that's all."
"I see."
"So what about you?"
James shrugged. "The usual," he replied with a hint of a smile. "Found out my girlfriend's pregnant, just broke up with my wife."
Fabian stared at him for a few seconds, stunned. "What? You and Lily - oh."
"I'll live."
"Of course you'll live; how you'll do that is what concerns me. Bloody hell," he muttered darkly, frowning.
James suddenly remembered that Fabian had shared much of his misery a few years ago, mourning over Amelia Bones - married to another man, and later expecting a child. It was a different situation, of course, but even though Fabian and Lily didn't get along particularly well, James knew that Prewett truly sympathised with his current situation.
"We'll need to find a replacement for her," James said quietly. "I have to talk to Dumbledore."
Fabian nodded. He wasn't part of the Order, but all the other members of the team were, and depended on the Hogwarts Headmaster's approval before adding anyone to the group.
They were silent for a few minutes; the youngest Prewett added a sickly green powder to the potion - James knew what it was, but couldn't be bothered to concentrate -, and busied himself with it for a while.
"Damn!" Fabian exclaimed out of the blue, clear worry and revolt in his pale brown eyes.
James then realised that he didn't want pity. He was sad, yes, but hated to see others being careful around him, as if afraid that he would break down any time. He needed anger; he needed to cling to the certainly that this situation was unfair; he needed loud cursing, kicking things, and blasphemy-inducing rage. He didn't deserve it; he really didn't.
Of course guilt had long since begun creeping in; it was only natural. Had it all been his fault? If he'd done things differently - if only he'd broken up with Julia the moment Lily had come to London...
"Playing what-if is really quite worthless," Fabian shrugged, knowing that look on James' face all too well. "You should know better."
"Do you?"
He nodded. "I have my moments, but -,yes. I do. It's a waste of time."
"Oh, that, I know." James laughed throatily. "It's just... Fabian, I really thought things would work this time. I don't want to spend my entire life with a woman I don't love - not when I could've been with Lily. And I miss her already; she'll have someone else soon, or, even worse, she'll be depressed and suffer for a long time because of me. Do you want me to accept this fate quietly?"
Fabian didn't answer.
"I'm ranting; I'm sorry." He sighed. "I'll be upstairs if you want anything."
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Baby, I've been here before
I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor
You know, I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah...
Jeff Buckley, "Hallelujah"
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"And then, of course, he got fired - and ended up moving to another state," Virginia finished, grinning. "Everyone despised the jerk because of what he did to me."
The girls laughed. Lily was lying with her head in Valerie's lap; Leylann and Virginia took turns bashing mankind for the soon-to-be-former Mrs. Potter's benefit.
"Men are despicable creatures," Valerie said incisively, not for the first time. "How dare he?"
"Did you consider forgiving him?" Leylann, out of mere curiosity; she had lost contact with Virginia over the years and, now that the New Yorker was around, it was important to get to know her as well as possible.
"I did. I really liked him back then, but - I just couldn't. She was my boss, for Merlin's sake! And he did it so that he would get promoted instead of me!"
She wasn't pretty, Leylann thought suddenly. No, Gin was plain in every way possible - pleasantly so, perhaps, but there was nothing extraordinary about her. What did Remus see in her? She hadn't had much to do with him back when the two of them had dated, and Leylann definitely didn't see anything coming out of the old flame now.
Gin was too - shallow wasn't the proper word - the closest thing Leylann could think of was 'un-Remus-ish.' Yes, that neologism said it all; the girl seemed to lack... humanity. It was, of course, impossible for someone to be as utterly human as Moony; he incarnated the race's every weakness, every irrational strength.
Valerie stroked Lily's hair with a small, worried smile. It wasn't hard to understand what she was wondering: was this conversation upsetting Lily - rubbing salt in the wound, so to speak? Leylann didn't think so. She'd felt that kind of pain, and she was certain that many friends bubbling around would only help (for now).
Leylann knew Lily well enough to perceive that the break-up hadn't sunk in yet. The girl was trying to put off dealing with that mess of feelings - undoubtedly already threatening to drown her, pull her down...
The resolution wouldn't last long. Being around people forced her to keep up the act for longer; Leylann wondered if she should ask the other two to leave Lily alone for the moment.
"Valerie, you haven't said anything," Gin noted, looking at the French girl.
"I - don't have much to say," Valerie replied, her accent seeming much worse now. It was a dead-on telltale sign of her nervousness, Leylann knew; she was about to interrupt, when Lily's gaze locked with hers.
Let her be, the green eyes seemed to ordain. She needs this.
Leylann could never understand why she always obeyed Lily so promptly. It was almost instinctive; if the matter was important, Lily invariably took the lead. Plus, Leylann tended to make all the wrong decisions in situations like these.
"I've been talking about me for a long time! It's your turn, come on."
"I - er -"
Valerie hesitated, tugged her hair behind her ear, frowned; she had several interesting stories of past relationships, but it was obvious that all she could remember was her Bernard, her last boyfriend: wonderful, gorgeous, jealous, and abusive.
Finally, she spoke. "I have this guy, Charles - we haven't dated in years, but we're still sort of involved. In a way," she added, after noticing Lily's stupefied stare. "I mean, I broke up with him, and I know we can't be together, but -"
Valerie shrugged. Lily waited.
"I just can't rule out being with him for the time being. I need time to - heal."
"Have you talked to him lately?" Leylann asked; she barely knew Lily's French friend, but her intuition was honed enough to understand what was happening here.
Valerie nodded. "I saw him this afternoon."
Lily didn't seem surprised; she merely looked at the girl inquisitively, and Valerie complied.
"We didn't - well, we went out with his son and the kid's potential girlfriend."
"How did that go?"
"We got along better than usual - the boy and I, that is. I'd forgotten how disastrous teenage dating is!" she laughed. "I gave him several tips, and he was surprisingly thankful. I thought he'd hate me for saying it, but it wasn't bad at all."
"I would've hated it if one of Dad's girlfriends gave me any tips," Leylann muttered, old memories resurfacing. "But then again, I never liked any of them."
"He likes me well enough; he just doesn't want another mother."
"And you understand that."
"Of course." Valerie sighed. "I sometimes wish I didn't, but I agree with him more often than not. I want to be with Charles, but - it would be too complicated! Plus, he doesn't want to."
"Do you think that if-"
"Hey," called out a new female voice, approaching from the hallway.
Lily immediately sat up straight, her eyes sizzling with angry anticipation.
What on earth was Julia doing here?
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I've played all my cards, and that's what you've done, too
Nothing more to say - no more ace to play
The winner takes it all, the loser standing small
Beside the victory, that's her destiny...
ABBA, "The Winner Takes It All"
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The girl had once been more than welcome in their little circle; there was a time when Leylann, Lily, and Julia had been the best of friends. Obviously, things had changed; at the moment, Julia was probably the person everyone there least expected to see.
She seemed uncomfortable - good. Julia was the minority here. Everyone regarded her with open hostility.
"Lily, can I talk to you for a second?"
The redhead wordlessly stood and followed Julia into the living room. What did the girl want? What in Merlin's name did she expect from a confrontation with Lily?
It was still dark; Julia switched on the nearest lamp and walked to the dark blue couch. Lily sat in front of her, waiting.
Julia seemed torn between wailing and punching her, perhaps leaning towards the latter. "What you did to me..." she began, her voice broken and sharp. "It wasn't right."
Lily remained calm, strangely so; she felt detached, more curious about Julia's motives than anything. "No, it wasn't."
"I love him."
She nodded. "I know. So do I."
"Well, I'll keep him."
"Good for you."
Julia frowned. "I mean it."
Lily leaned back on the couch and yawned. "Of course you do; who's saying otherwise?"
"You are!"
She paused. "I am?"
"Yes! You're always sarcastic and embittered! You act as if you're the victim, instead of me!" Julia replied at once.
"Hm." Lily thought about it for a few moments. "You're right."
"I kno-"
"But," she continued, "all things considered, you won the dispute, not I. All that's left for me is a divorce certificate. Have you thought of it that way, Jules?"
She was offended, outraged. "I'm pregnant!"
Lily shrugged. "And you're going to marry a great guy because of that - exclusively because of that," she added with a ferocious smirk. "I don't know why you decided to do it; I would've thought you'd value a loving, reciprocated relationship -"
"James does love me," she interrupted, glowering. "I don't understand what you've done to his head, how you've seduced him and whatnot, but he does!"
Julia was categorically delusional; it was useless to argue now. Lily felt tired, immensely tired; it was pathetic that she should be defeated by her; it made little sense, and, in a way, that justified everything.
When had they made sense? When had James' presence in her life allowed her to think properly?
"Why are you here?" Lily asked. She didn't want to know anymore; the safe predictability of hiding alone in a room and staying up all night seemed much more appealing.
Julia fidgeted with her hair, not knowing what to say. She looked small, Lily thought, small and defenceless. Some nostalgic memories of times when they'd been friends resurfaced; no, Lily didn't hate her - in fact, she pitied this lame rival of hers.
"Are you leaving?" Julia blurted out suddenly.
Lily stared at her, confused.
"The - London, I mean," she stuttered. "You're not going to keep working with him, are you?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
In truth, Lily hadn't given the matter much thought. Sure, it would be awful to continue seeing James, but perhaps it was for the best. They did work well together. Would it be worth it?
One thing was certain: she didn't want to return to France. She belonged here, in the British Ministry, regardless of its many idiosyncrasies.
"It doesn't matter," Julia said hurriedly, seeming anxious to leave. She stood up and straightened her robes; Lily remained seated, staring ahead and thinking. "I should go."
The girl walked away; the door slammed shut.
Lily thought of the girls worriedly waiting for her in the bedroom. She didn't want to talk to them, discuss the break-up or avoid mentioning it in such an obvious way that it made the situation even more pressing in her mind. She wanted to be alone, toss-and-turn, think things over - she needed space.
The thought of going to the office crossed her mind, but she quickly dismissed it. James was probably there, after all. She had to go somewhere else - the Leaky, perhaps.
Lily Disapparated. Her friends would understand.
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And so it is, just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze, most of the time
And so it is, the colder water, the blower's daughter, the pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off you; I can't take my eyes off you...
Damien Rice, "The Blower's Daughter"
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A/N Right. I'm sorry it took me so long, once more... But anyway! Only one more chapter to go! I'm actually relieved that this fic is ending - I've had it for about a year now, andÉ well, the plot's almost over. :)
The beta version of our new archive is up - go check it out at unknowableroom.org.
See you!
-Chris