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Hopelessly Addicted
Chapter 5
"Don't even think about it"
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You're only just a dreamboat sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans of coral blue and red
Your smell is incense burning; your touch is silk and yet
It reaches through my skin, moving from within, it clutches at my breast
But it's only when I sleep…
The Corrs, "Only When I Sleep"
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Lily jolted awake, sat up, and glanced at the alarm clock. One-thirty in the morning. She could hear its soft ticking, and Alain's breathing beside her. Slowly, the peaceful surroundings calmed her.
'It was only a dream… Only a dream… only a dream,' her agitated mind kept trying to remind her.
Yes, it had only been a dream - but what a dream! She still vividly remembered every move, every sensation - the touch of his hands, the husky tone of his voice, his frantic kisses…
It had been a mixture of memories and some of her most secret fantasies. She and James had been working - a normal day. All of a sudden, he'd swept her off her feet. They had slept together right there, in the office… No questions asked. They both knew they wanted it - the tension had been mounting for a while, and it was released right then.
Oh, it had been great - so great that Lily found herself wondering if she wasn't exaggerating James' skills. He couldn't be that much better than everyone else, could he? But then again, he did know her pretty well; it was as if their bodies fit perfectly together… All in all, she was pretty sure that the dream had been realistic.
"Oh, Merlin," she groaned.
Lily already knew that she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about that ruddy dream whenever she was around James. Great - just great. As if she didn't have enough to worry about… Now she had to keep her mind in check; it wouldn't take James long to guess that she was thinking about him that way again if he caught her staring or daydreaming.
What if he continued flirting with her? It was actually likely that she'd end up giving in to his advances… Well, life at the office would certainly either improve or worsen drastically now.
'Wouldn't it be funny,' whispered a small voice inside Lily's head, 'if James weren't attracted to you at all? What if it's just your imagination?'
Lily frowned. Well, that was always a possibility - unlikely, yes, but possible nevertheless.
She stood and went to the bathroom. Her day was starting a little earlier today… There was no way she was going back to sleep. What if she had another dream?
In a sudden impulse, she filled the bathtub, making sure the door was locked. A few choice charms replaced the foam and started creating pretty, scented bubbles. She then soaked in the warm water.
It had been too long since Lily had had this sort of time for herself. She was always in a hurry, under the pressure of some deadline… Now she just wanted to relax, and forget all about the French Minister's visit, her issues with Alain, her even bigger issues with James…
But she wasn't quite able to. Since last night, her intentions were becoming increasingly clear. Lily wanted James, in a way she had never wanted Alain. In a way, she realised suddenly, she'd never wanted anyone else. At least not this much…
She didn't have any feelings for James anymore, she was sure of it. What she desired of him now had absolutely nothing to do with an amorous, holding-hands, New-Year's-First-kiss, muttering-sweet-nothings, dreaming-of-marriage relationship.
She wanted him. Period.
Lily closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. So now here she was, relaxing in a bathtub, daydreaming of him. The scene felt awfully familiar…
Well, this time, she'd keep things under control. Perhaps an occasional snog here and there, or even a brief affair, but that was it. James Potter would be just like all the other guys she'd dated in the past few years.
She wouldn't fall for him again. Ever.
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I'm working through the daytime, but when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed, listening to my breath, falling from the edge…
But it's only when I sleep - I see you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round, turning upside down
But I only hear you breathe somewhere in my sleep…
The Corrs, "Only When I Sleep"
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James put his glasses on the table, rubbed his eyes and glanced at the dark, starlit sky.
Good thing he'd remembered bringing those glasses… He would surely have gotten a blinding headache otherwise. He didn't need to wear them every day, but it was advisable to do it when he worked too hard for too long.
Tonight, he'd been at it for several hours. James loved working in the middle of the night, but was well aware that he never really did it properly at home. Therefore, he had recently started going to the office after Julia fell asleep so that his weekends weren't utterly wasted.
He was tired, yes, but he really didn't feel like sleeping. It was a waste of time, and there was much to be done. Jacques Neveu was arriving next Saturday; they had less than a week to secure Godric's Hollow.
It was undoubtedly better to secure one single place well than to apply a fallible security scheme to several different locations, but it wasn't necessarily easier. He and Lily would have to spend days trying to think like Death Eaters, figuring out ways to get around the Aurors' defences.
Meanwhile, they still had several other missions to plan, and the other Aurors in their team still had plenty to do on the field. Lily and James were going to be stuck in the office for the next few days - in fact, they hardly ever managed to do field work anymore, which frustrated both of them to no end.
His watch showed a quarter past four in the morning. Merlin, time really flew. James wouldn't even manage to eat breakfast; there was too much to do, and he wanted to be home before noon (which was probably when Julia would wake up).
Lily would soon be awake… She always got up early, even on weekends - he knew that well by now. They never managed to spend a day without talking to each other, and owls were constant. Speaking of which, he had to send her an owl soon.
He honestly couldn't remember how he'd managed to work without her for so long. It was impossibly hard nowadays for him to create a strategy without discussing it with her; he couldn't contemplate anymore what it would be like to make any everyday decision without all that arguing and nitpicking.
He had to admit that their arguments were fun - it was just their style of brainstorming. They were usually in a much better mood after some healthy yelling, and it helped them come up with a lot of ideas.
The result of this was that he actually missed work during the weekends - which, as Sirius pointed out often, was downright insane.
Well, the truth was that he didn't miss work, really. He took a lot of it home with him every day. James missed Lily. And he so wished he could take her home, too…
If only that boyfriend of hers weren't in the picture… he would certainly have paid her a visit a long time ago. He knew she had an apartment of her own; and, to be honest, he didn't think she'd mind the surprise much.
James reclined in his chair with a smile, imagining the scene. He let himself indulge in that fantasy for a few minutes, thinking… Oh, if only things between them were a bit different…
Lily was probably aware of his attraction for her. And she didn't seem to be trying to push him away. Well… did she really know? Was she waiting for him to make the first move? Would she to try to kill or do something equally unpleasant if he did anything?
'Maybe - just maybe, she feels it, too…'
His grin broadened, and he closed his eyes, seeing Lily in his mind's eye. He remembered her - he remembered them. To think that she was this close to him, within his reach, and that he could have her again if he wanted… Well, it was thrilling, to say the least.
He was so deep in thought that he didn't hear the footsteps coming up the stairs.
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I know I'm not around each night; I know I always think I'm right
And I can't believe that you might look around
'Cause I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try and try
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life?
Dido, "I'm No Angel"
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"I'm going to work, Alain."
"Okay."
"Send me an owl if you need me."
"Uh-huh."
Lily cast one last glance at her boyfriend. He was most certainly asleep, and he probably wouldn't remember what she had just said. But she had done the right thing - she had warned him of where she would be.
It wasn't her fault that he was unable to maintain intelligent conversation at four-thirty in the morning. She had tried telling him she was leaving. Alain just hadn't paid attention.
She went to the kitchen and drank some tea. She felt relaxed, and in a wonderful mood. Nothing would probably dampen it now, but, just in case, she was going to stay as far away from Alain as possible. If anyone, he would certainly manage to ruin her day with all his -
'No.'
Lily didn't want to think of anything unpleasant now. And Alain certainly qualified as an 'unpleasant thing'. Whereas James…
She could honestly say that she hadn't thought of anyone else since waking up. She'd tried working - she'd actually done a lot of work in the last hour and a half -, but she just hadn't concentrated fully. Memories of their time together kept coming back with surprising ease. She had fought so long and so hard to bury them or erase them from her mind … And yet here they were, teasing her, mocking her - "Who did you think you were kidding, Lily? This is what you wanted all along!"
Now she knew - now she was sure of it. Lily had felt this strong physical attraction to James ever since they'd met again, and that was why she'd decided to stay. If Kate Malshirn hadn't showed up, Lily probably would have repented and came back anyway.
She couldn't imagine herself returning to France anymore. Lily knew perfectly well that she would never be able to quit working with James now.
Even if she hadn't felt any attraction to him, she would still want to continue in his team. He was just such a good strategist, they worked so well together… Despite all the yelling - and maybe because of all the yelling -, they managed to come up with several exceptionally clever scenarios.
With a sigh, Lily put on a big coat and stuffed all the pieces of parchment on her desk into a satchel.
Alain would wake up some time soon, and she would have to meet him, talk to him, force herself to kiss him, behave nicely... No! She definitely couldn't stay at home.
Lily would go work at the office today; she had been flirting with the idea for a couple of weeks, and was convinced that it was the best way to get more work done during the weekends.
She Apparated to the elevator hall, the entranceway to the office. Automatically, she tickled the orange and opened the door with her personal key.
The place was deserted and silent. With a smile, Lily noted that it would be strange to work there without anyone around. She and James worked together most of the time, and were interrupted often by their colleagues. Whenever he was out working, Lily always kept the door open; it didn't disturb her much, for the team was small, and didn't make too much noise.
Lily went up the stairs and opened the door to the office. Much to her surprise, the lights were on, and James was at his desk.
So she wasn't going to work alone today…
Strangely enough, the fact didn't bother her at all.
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Take the time to think about it
Just walk the line - you know you just can't fight it
Take a look around and see what you can't find
Like the fire that's burning up inside me
There's magic running through your soul, but you can't have it all…
Def Leppard, "Two Steps Behind"
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Lily greeted James with a nonchalant "Hi."
He seemed startled to see her, and it took him a while to regain his wit. "You're acting like it's normal for people to meet at work at four-thirty on a Sunday morning."
Smiling, she observed him more carefully. A shiver ran down her back as she took in his appearance. Not only was he staring at her intensely, in a way that she found quite disconcerting - was he trying to read her mind or something? -, but his clothes were also the same as they had been in her dream. Down to his glasses, which he had never before worn to work. It was actually kind of creepy. And very exciting, of course.
"Well -"
"I know you missed me, sweetheart," James intervened with a sly grin. "We can't spend a day without talking to each other, let alone an entire weekend! I understand, I really do."
She laughed. "Oh, you wish, honey."
His grin broadened, and he motioned for her to sit down at her desk. "I'm actually glad you came. I was about to send you an owl."
"Is anything wrong?"
James shrugged. "Just usual stuff."
Lily sighed. "I couldn't sleep, that's all."
Their gazes locked, and for a few seconds Lily panicked: he knew! He would see it in her eyes; he would know what she'd been thinking about! James had always been able to read her with surprising ease…
Whether or not he noticed anything out of the ordinary, she didn't know. He just smiled boyishly and, with a raised eyebrow, supplied, "Boredom? We both know you work for fun, after all… Was it that - what's his name again? - that French guy you're hiding from me?"
She threw her head back and laughed. "I'm not -"
"You so are. What's his name?"
Lily shook her head stubbornly, but soon admitted her defeat. James was right, after all. "Alain."
"Was Alain boring you? Yesterday you complained he kept interrupting your work…"
"He wouldn't wake up this early if his life depended on it. No… I just wanted to - I've been thinking about coming here during the weekends for a while."
James stretched his arms, not taking his eyes off her. "Well, now you know. I come here every weekend."
She nodded slightly. "Yes, now I know."
"Are you going to come as well from now on?"
Lily smiled and didn't answer.
"All right then. Just in case you do -"
"If I do come," she interrupted him, "it will certainly spare Kayk and Myrie several long trips to Paris. I'm sure they'll know where to find me."
It was only then that it really hit Lily: they were alone. Like, really alone. There was probably no one on Earth who knew where either of them was. No one would interrupt them - not a chance. She bit her lip.
The corners of his mouth twitched, and Lily wondered why he was fighting back a smile so resolutely. "If we meet - well, I guess it'll just be a nice coincidence, then," James stated, and grinned at last. "Arguing with you face to face is much more enjoyable… I don't have to imagine the look on your face while reading your replies."
Lily had the distinct feeling that that wasn't what he'd meant to say, but she preferred not to think about it much now.
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Deep in Denial Ville, trying to fight the way I feel
I go jello every smile - I start blushing, my head rushing
If you stand too close to me, I might melt down from the heat
If you look my way one more time, I'm gonna go out of my mind
Whatever you do, don't even think about it - don't go and get me started
Don't you dare drive me crazy - don't do that to me, baby…
Shania Twain, "Whatever You Do! Don't!"
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'Work!' Lily commanded herself sternly. 'Work, work, work…'
She had to stop thinking about James - she just had to get him out of her mind somehow, at least for now. They were going to work together every single day, for goodness' sake!
"I guess we'd better start working, then," she said, standing and absent-mindedly grabbing all the pieces of parchment she'd been working on that morning. "I've already done a few things concerning Godric's Hollow, and I wanted to know what you thought."
Lily pointed her wand at the wall, and a blank screen immediately appeared. She then enlarged a few pieces of parchment and hung them there with a few more swishes of her wand.
James recognised the blueprints of the house in Godric's Hollow at once, and realised that those were the first drafts of the house security scheme. Oh, of course they'd still spend almost a whole week working on it, but this was a start. An excellent start.
She started explaining her ideas, and James often intervened with suggestions, which she either rebuffed vehemently or wrote down for further examination on a small scrap of parchment.
That little piece of parchment sparked James' curiosity for some reason, and he moved closer to examine it. He was right behind her now, watching with interest as she wrote the gist of his ideas, along with her preliminary line of reasoning against each one.
It didn't take him too long to get distracted. After a few minutes, he wasn't paying as much attention to her exposé as he should have been… In fact, he was paying no attention at all. How could he? He was so close to her he could actually feel his warm breath on her neck and shoulders…
This distant proximity was killing him. It took every ounce of self-control he'd ever possessed to keep him from biting her neck, running his hands over that pearly-white skin, and -
'Oh, stop, stop, stop… You're not listening to a word she's saying!'
It was a good thing that James wasn't paying much attention to her, because Lily was slowly starting to lose the capability of uttering logical analysis with that professionalism of which she'd always been so proud.
James was much too distracting - why was he so close to her? And if he really did want her, why didn't he just make a move right then? Couldn't he see that she wanted him, too? Couldn't he notice he was all she could think about?
All she knew was that he had to do something - anything… He was driving her crazy.
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Under the lover sky, gonna be with you, and no one's gonna be around
If you think that you won't fall, well, just wait until the sun goes down
Underneath the starlight, there's a magical feeling so right it'll steal your hide tonight
You can try to resist, try to hide from my kiss
Don't you know that you can't fight the moonlight?
LeAnn Rimes, "Can't Fight The Moonlight"
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Lily gradually stopped talking, and focused instead on trying to maintain steady breathing. She could feel James' heavy breathing behind her, and she could almost hear his heart beating faster… She could feel his hesitation -
Hesitation? What hesitation? James Potter didn't hesitate, he never did… He took chances, he loved the thrill of risking exposure, voluntarily putting himself in that vulnerable yet incredibly strengthened position…
And then she realised: if he really did want her - she hardly doubted it now -, he wanted her badly. And it scared him. She almost laughed out loud. James was scared of the power she had over him…
"Lily," he began hoarsely.
She closed her eyes and savoured for a few seconds that wonderful feeling. Yes, he wanted her. Yes, he would do anything to have her now. She'd done it - unconsciously, of course -, but she'd actually encouraged him up to this point.
James had been thinking about her when she'd arrived. He'd been thinking about her all this time, and she hadn't noticed. This could've happened so much sooner…
'This what, Lily Evans? What is 'this'? How far exactly are you willing to go today?'
Instinctively, she knew the answer to that question - a certainty beyond words, beyond reasoning and in fact against her better judgement:
'As far as he wants me to.'
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If there's no tomorrow, and all we have is here and now
I'm happy just to have you - you're all the love I need somehow
It's like a dream, although I'm not asleep
And I never want to wake up - don't lose it, don't leave it
So go on, go on, come on, leave me breathless
Tempt me, tease me, till I can't deny this loving feeling
Make me long for your kiss - go on, go on, yeah, come on…
The Corrs, "Breathless"
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James pulled her closer, and every muscle in her body tensed against his. She could feel him, already hard against her thigh. Inattentively, she pondered that he wouldn't be very patient today - but, in truth, she didn't need him to be.
His presence, his breathing, his voice, and his touch were already arousing her more than any other man's could have - she needed him now, like she had so many times before; she'd been yearning for him for six years… But now he was there, now he wanted her…
He stroked her thigh and waist over her clothes, sending shivers down her spine. Before she knew it, his hand had already found its way under her shirt, and the direct contact of his skin on hers made her moan and press her body against his even more. She couldn't fight it anymore - she didn't want to…
James expertly started caressing her breasts, squeezing them lightly, and the thin fabric of her bra didn't stop the warmth of his touch from getting to her skin. Lily closed her eyes and felt herself melt as he kissed her neck teasingly slowly, licking his way to her jaw and muttering something incomprehensible in her ear.
She then remembered that he knew her - he still knew what she liked, and how she liked it… And he was determined to do whatever it took to get her now, so… Oh, this was too much…
One of James' hands unbuttoned her shirt blindly, and the other turned her around. He stared at her for a few seconds, and she waited, breathing quickly. She could sense that he was holding back - a part of him still thought this was wrong somehow… But it wasn't, she knew it through and through now.
This felt right - this was right.
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You stop me in my tracks, my heart pumping to the max (…)
You got my heart under attack; you give me shivers down my back
Do you have to walk the way you do? I get weak just watching you…
Whatever you do, don't even think about it, don't go and get me started
Don't you dare drive me crazy…
Shania Twain, "Whatever You Do! Don't!"
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He backed off abruptly, taking a couple of steps back. Absurd tears of anger came to her eyes. So he didn't want her enough to overcome his stupid -
"You're - you're driving me crazy," he muttered, looking into her eyes - those gorgeous green eyes he knew so well were now glinting intensely, darker with want. She was angry at him for toying with her like this… He looked away, confused and uncomfortable. "I don't - I can't - you -"
When she spoke at last, the cold fury in her voice almost made him wince. "What the hell are you doing, James?"
He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. He might have succeeded, and his self-control training would have kicked in, if Lily hadn't been there, right in front of him, wearing that sheer black bra he was dying to remove… And she actually wanted him to do it…
"I - I'm just trying to do the bloody right thing," he spat, furious at himself for saying this, hating the fact that every cell in his body was ordering him to forget all about 'the right thing' and continue…
Lily's breathing had slowly stabilized, and her brain was starting to work. She fiercely swallowed that annoying lump in her throat - 'It just isn't going to happen today, period! Not a chance, not anymore!'
"Merlin, Lil, I -"
Lily shut him up with a look and started slowly buttoning her shirt. She was composed now, and, after a few seconds, felt detached enough to ask, "Is it Julia?"
James almost laughed. Julia? She had quite possibly been the very last thought on his mind! "Of course not."
She sighed. Of course not… Julia meant nothing to him - she should've known. James couldn't possibly have seriously considered being attached to a girl who had so little to do with him.
So the problem was them, their history, their so-called feelings for each other…
"It's us, isn't it?"
He nodded. "I'm just - I'm not sure we'll be able to -"
"I know."
Their work together was too valuable; they just couldn't risk another messy break-up… Plus, Lily and James wouldn't be able to work around each other normally after having sex. They'd keep coming back for more, and they both knew it.
She looked up at him, resigned, and their eyes met.
"I can't stop thinking about you," he confessed with a grimace. "In a way that I'm really not supposed to anymore."
Lily flashed him a knowing grin. "It sucks, doesn't it?"
He laughed, and she soon joined him.
"I can't believe this," she breathed out at last.
"Well, our little façade lasted for about a month… We tried pretty hard."
"We did," Lily agreed with a smile. "It's just useless. So - what are we going to do now?"
He made a face, and stared longingly at her half-unbuttoned shirt.
She gave a hearty laugh, throwing the bulge in his pants an amused glance. "Work, right?"
"Yeah… I guess so. I'll just - you know -" he motioned to the bathroom, and she nodded.
After a few seconds, she heard the cold water splashing. It didn't take James too long to exit the shower, and return, or so it seemed to her.
Rubbing his wet hair with a towel, he eyed her strangely when he saw that she was still standing in the same position.
"You've been staring at the wall ever since I left? You didn't get any work done?"
Lily scowled, mockingly offended. But it was highly uncharacteristic behaviour, and they both knew it. Oh, well… Nothing was very normal today.
James shrugged and opened the office door.
"Let's go have some breakfast," he suggested. "We'll work later."
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