Monday 7th April
I'm leaving for the party in about five minutes. Beatrice's supply of mistletoe has been `stolen' from her, and is now in Emily's pillowcase. I'm so glad that they're coming with me! I'm wearing one of my new dress robes and I think I look rather pretty for once, actually. My mum was right all those times when she said that blue is my color. I feel quite good about myself, and I'm excited about later. It will be nice to relax with friends and know that Potter's not about. Remus and Peter are going with Nick, although Black opted out of going (lucky for me). Speaking of both of them, they've been acting strange all day, like they know something I don't. And Remus has been determinedly avoiding my eye.
I'm sure he'll tell me why later. I think I can hear Karl calling me from the common room.
---
Back at Hogwarts! And Isabella and I are officially not together anymore. Remus dictated the letter to me before lunch, and then I signed it, Charmed it, and sent it with Algernon to the Hufflepuff common room. Brill plan. I would've delivered it myself, but I'm too eager to hunt down Pilkerson. Peter told me Slughorn was having a party, and this seems the perfect opportunity to enact my plan of wooing back Evans. Moony didn't seem too keen on it, but I assured him my dad was all for it.
Come to think of it, I don't think I ran this part past him, but I'm sure he would agree. I have to defend Evans from leeches like Pilkerson who exploit her generosity.
Pilkerson will rue the day he made a move on Evans. Am off to crash the party.
---
Plan did not go exactly as I'd hoped. I'm in the Hospital Wing with a broken arm, upside-down ears, and no toenails. More later, here comes Pomfrey.
---
Potter turned up at the party. Nobody told me that he was coming. I didn't even see him until I saw Karl blasting somebody with his wand. It was Potter. He attacked Karl for absolutely no reason and wrecked the entire party. Remus says that he did it because he's jealous of Karl and came back specifically to win me over. Remus agrees with me that this plan was stupid and badly-timed. I am seriously angry. What right has Potter got to come barging into the party and attacking my fake boyfriend like that? He turned me down for Isabella Marks! He snogged me and then ignored me! He broke my bloody heart!
And why, if he really likes me as much as Remus is insisting, did it never occur to him to just break up with Isabella straightaway and tell me the real reason why he'd asked her out in the first place (I only found out that from Remus too)? I'll tell you why, because he's a lying bastard. I will never let Potter `win me over.' Also, Karl is unbelievably good at dueling when attacked. I am shocked, but thankfully not turned on like Beatrice is. Eurgh.
It is barely half past eight, and like an idiot, I am about to go to the hospital wing to visit Potter, of all people. I have deliberately not changed out of my dress robes because I have to look brilliant, of course. I am not, however, going to be nice to him. I am going to tell him to go and fuck himself for ruining everything, and make sure he knows that I hate him for his unprovoked attack on Karl.
I also kind of want to see him again, and part of me wants to kiss him, but mainly I just want him to go and fuck himself.
I'm confused and miserable and really, really pissed off.
---
Evans has just been in to see me. It went much like this:
Evans: I'm beautiful and hate you forever. Go fuck yourself.
Me: I'm sorry.
Then she ran off. I don't care if she hates me now, she can't hate me forever. It doesn't work that way.
Yes, I'm surprised by my optimism, too.
Tuesday 8th April
Yesterday might very well have topped my birthday in being the worst day of my life. It seems I severely underestimated Pilkerson, but I'll show him yet. Next time I'll bring Sirius with me, and Peter, if he'll come. Remus hasn't visited me yet, probably thinking I'll come to some grand epiphany while alone in the Hospital Wing. (I think he's sorely mistaken.)
Actually… where is Sirius? I don't think he's come to visit me yet. He barely spoke to me before the party yesterday, and now I realize I haven't the foggiest where he is. I'll send Algernon to fetch him, or if that fails, the Map.
---
Everybody is terrified of Karl and hitherto hidden powers of dueling. I happen to find it hilarious. Karl was utterly bewildered as to why Potter attacked him in the first place and even more bewildered when I told him why. I have told both him and Beatrice that our dating ruse is over, if only for Potter's safety. Karl could blow him to smithereens. Ha. Ha ha ha.
I walked in on Peter and Helena getting a bit… handsy in the second floor girls' bathroom. Peter made me swear not to tell anyone, but it's not me he has to worry about, it's Moaning Myrtle. I saw her spying out of one of the toilet cisterns. But good for Peter, I'm glad that someone is getting along well with their other half!
I going back up to see Potter and demand the photos of me back. This is part of my plan to ruin him. I'll pay enough attention to him over the next few days to make him think he has a chance, and then I'll pretend he does not exist. It will serve him right. Algernon has been hanging about for the past hour and trying to jump on my feet, so I can return him, too. First I am going to give Algernon a nice, big cuddle, though. I wish he were my cat.
Potter will give me the photos, or I will threaten to set Karl on him.
---
Potter says that he lost the photos. Lying wanker.
Wednesday 9th April
Owl from Dad. He wants to know how things are progressing. I'll write back tomorrow because I don't know what to tell him. Also got a short note from Isabella, who seemed a bit upset, but I think Remus's words soothed her. He really would make a terrific boyfriend if he'd only get over himself. I think we're all right, since she wished me better health.
Evans asked for her photos back, but I cleverly hid them in my house along with her letter. I felt a bit like Terry Heaney doing so, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I was happy that she visited me twice in the Hospital Wing.
Algernon never returned with the Map, or with Sirius. Wormtail ended up bringing the former, as he didn't know where Padfoot was, either. The Map said he was out by the lake for hours, so I figured he must be in one of his moods again. Once I stole away from Pomfrey I went out to find him, but he got cheeky, saying he didn't know why I bothered to pay attention to him now. I pestered him about it for a while until he let slip it had something to do with his brother. Couldn't get more out of him than that, but there's no way I'm letting him end it at that. He brooded all during dinner, and snapped at Peter when he asked for the steak and kidney pie. Something is definitely up.
Not only does the girl I love hate me, my best mate is hiding things from me, and my cat has gone missing. I asked Wood if she'd seen him around Evans, as he loves her nearly as much as I do, but she said she hadn't. He did look off-color when I sent him away yesterday….
---
Beatrice found the mistletoe in Emily's pillowcase. She happened to find it during an argument between them concerning whether or not I should forgive Potter, when she picked up the pillow to throw it at Emily. She is now not speaking to her. So I have been spending a lot of time with Karl so as to avoid them. This is fun, but people still think that we are dating and keep asking Beatrice why she doesn't hate me. I wish we had classes this week.
Terry Heaney asked me if I'd thought about it enough. I ran from the room, citing a need to use the bathroom. I decided to go hole up in the library instead, and I passed Black on the way. He looked really miserable. As much as I hate Black, I hope that nothing too bad has happened. Everybody knows that his family gives him a lot of grief. His younger brother is a little brat, in any case.
I could do with seeing Algernon today, but he hasn't been around. I'm absolutely ravenous. I wonder if I could teach him how to eat Potter's hair clean off his head. Or bring him poisoned food, or at least something laced with Amortentia so that he'll fall in love with Algernon and I'll be asked to keep the cat away from him for his own safety. And that's why you don't break my heart, Potter!
I wish I could talk to my mum about Potter. I miss her. It would have been her 42nd birthday on Saturday. I might buy her something anyway.
I think I'm going to go to the Prefect's bathroom and have a nice, long bath.
Thursday 10th April
Things are permanently ruined, I think. I finally managed to corner Evans outside the library this morning. I asked her if she'd forgiven me yet. She has not, and she shouted a bit, then stormed off, saying something about how I'd yet to even apologize, which is bollocks. I was making good progress, though, nearly had her talking to me civilly. I made to chase after her, only to be interrupted by Edwin Edwards, who said he'd found my cat curled up in the third-floor bathroom. Algernon wouldn't wake up, so he'd run all over the castle looking for me. I was very tempted to forget about Algernon and finish talking to Evans, but he's my cat, and I couldn't. I followed Edwards back up to his dorm, where he'd wrapped Algernon in a blanket. I owe him one.
Kettleburn is on holiday this week, so I brought Algernon to Slughorn, the only other person I knew had experience with him. He was dead surprised, of course, and didn't want to help me after I'd caused that ruckus in his party. I persuaded him by hinting at some crystallized pineapple in his future. He said he'd do what he could, and I'm to go back tomorrow.
At dinner I tried to tell Evans about why I'd given up, but she was having none of it. I can't believe I picked someone else over Evans again.
I've detention for the next week and a half. Some from the party, some from this afternoon when I turned Charlene Stebbins's shoes into stone and threatened to toss her into the lake. She had it coming, bothering Sirius like that. The more he broods, the more she stalks, the psycho. He doesn't need more on his mind right now.
---
Potter asked me this morning if I had accepted his apology. The thing is, he never apologized to me at all. I reminded him that when I went to visit him in the hospital wing and told him to go and fuck himself, he asked me if I thought his hair looked good. He said that it's his way of asking me if I'd forgiven him yet. I wanted to say yes, but my pride intervened and I stormed away with suitable haughtiness. He followed me for a bit shouting his apologies but then he walked off with Edwin Edwards without so much as a backwards glance. So much for wanting to `make things right between us.'
I think I might do something for my mum's birthday this Saturday. Not have a party or anything, but maybe just do something special with my friends (if they have started talking again by that time) to mark the occasion. This will be the first birthday my mum's had since she died. I think it's going to be strange. I could write to Petunia, but I doubt she'd bother to reply. I might send her a letter anyway, and let her know that I'm thinking of her. She's lucky she has Vernon to keep her company. The only person I want to be around is James, and you can see, diary, how well that is going. Maybe I should just forgive him. I don't think it's worth it to feel this crap all the time. I'm sure Saturday would be easier to bear if I had Potter to distract me.
I almost forgot, patrols tonight with Remus. Vera is such a disorganized Head Girl. I hope I get the job next year. I could kick her arse at Head Girl-ship.
Friday 11th April
It's official, then: Regulus Black is a Death Eater. I managed to persuade the story out of Sirius after breakfast. Regulus flashed his Mark to him Easter morning. I suppose he turned sixteen a couple of weeks ago, but that seemed very quick. I listened to Padfoot rant for a bit about stupid worthless brothers who still need their parents to wipe their arses, and tried to convince him that it wasn't his fault. It really isn't, Regulus is a dumb sod who loves pissing Sirius off. Padfoot is only letting him win by moping about, I said. That seemed to perk him up.
I feel dead awful for Sirius. I can't imagine having to go back to that sort of home for the summer. Must send an owl to Mum tonight. Last summer I barely saw Sirius at all, thanks to his sodding mother. I won't let her lock him up again.
Stopped by Slughorn's office, but no news yet. If Algernon dies… I don't know.
Couldn't bear to look at Evans today. If I didn't have to help Sirius I'd off myself.
---
I sent James off with a letter to Petunia today, just to say hello and ask her how she is doing, but again, I don't think she'll write back to me. I haven't actually spoken to her since the funeral and she was really frosty with me. I also tried asking Beatrice and Emily if they will spend all of Saturday with me, but they're still refusing to talk to one anther. What great, caring friends I have, eh?
I saw Professor Slughorn with Potter's cat today. He is ill, apparently. I hope Algernon doesn't die. I'd miss giving him cuddles in the common room and talking to him until he falls asleep on my lap. He was a nice, comfortable friend to have, and you know that Algernon would never talk about you behind your back. Because he is a cat. This just goes to show how stupid and unhinged I have become lately.
Remus and I got talking during patrols last night and I was reminded of my vow to set him up with someone. He asked me not to, very nicely, it's true, but there was a definite hint of steeliness in his voice. He is not keen on the idea. It's such a pity, too, because if I could just make myself fall for him, I think we'd make a lovely couple. Poor me. Poor Remus. Poor girls of Hogwarts, they are missing so much.
Helena Hodge has taken to writing Mrs. Helena Pettigrew all over her books and bag, or so Wendy Wilde tells me. I was sorely tempted to ask Wendy how her nails are, but I desisted.
I have an insane urge to go and jump in the lake again. I shall ask Karl if he wants to come with me.
Saturday 12th April
First thing this morning I pounded on Sluggy's door. He said Algernon had been fed an Elating Elixir, and then reprimanded me for continuing to feed my cat potions. Algernon will be fine, once I let him rest up a bit. He's under the bed right now, where he belongs. I've given him my best blanket and his favorite squeaky toy. Later I'll pop by the kitchens and fetch him some tuna.
I quilled another letter off to Mum, asking if she'd tried to give me potions on Easter. I realized I'd forgot to send a letter to Dad about Evans, so I sent a separate note to him. This only reminded me of how I don't deserve Evans because I'm so stupid as to pick my cat over her.
Tonight Sirius, Remus, Peter and I are all sneaking into Hogsmeade. I have to swing by Honeydukes to get crystallized pineapple for Slughorn, and maybe something from Zonko's for Edwards.
---
Happy birthday to Mum.
After spending two hours this morning trying to make Beatrice and Emily reconcile, I gave them up for lost. Especially Beatrice, she is annoyed because she saw Remus hugging me earlier. But he was just being nice because I was/am upset about mum. I don't want to talk to either of them anyway, they're being selfish. Surely they should be able to put their differences aside just for today? I have been forced to stay down in the common room to avoid them tonight, but I don't care. I like being in the common room this late, because there aren't many people here and I can have a good cry if I want to. Potter and two of his friends came out of their dorm a while earlier wearing that stupid cloak of his, and they snuck out. Like anybody cares where they're going! I couldn't tell who the other two pairs of feet belonged to, but I could definitely make out Potter's loud, obnoxious voice. Normally I would feel curious, but not today.
I might sleep down here tonight. This chair is comfortable. If Algernon were here it would be perfect.
Sunday 13th April
Falling asleep down here was not a good idea, as it happens. My neck hurts. And my shoes are missing again. I would hazard a guess that whoever took them left this bar of chocolate in my lap, perhaps as a trade. Terry Heaney is insane.
I am still going to eat it, though.
---
Last night was brilliant. I was able to forget about Evans and my cat, Sirius was able to forget about his stupid brother, and Remus was able to forget… well, all of his problems. It turns out Evans was also trying to set him up on a date, but she wasn't clever enough to keep him from finding out about it. Wormtail, of course, has no woes at the moment. Things with Helena are grand. Lucky, lucky bastard. We all got a bit pissed, even Sirius. The rest of us are all of age, and we ordered some for him. He was charming enough to Rosmerta so she didn't bother him about drinking Firewhisky. No more Transfiguring Butterbeer into alcohol for us!
Moony asked why I'd shut up about Evans. I said I'd realized I didn't have a chance with her and that I didn't deserve her, picking something as lowly as my pet cat over her. First he started to say something about how I didn't understand her, but then he said he'd be better suited to discuss it in the morning. Didn't happen. I'm hoping he forgot because I'm not in the mood to talk about Evans. Last night I gave her a bar of chocolate while she was sleeping as an apology. Not a very good one.
Can't believe we've got classes tomorrow. I still have to finish my Potions essay, and I feel I can't half-arse it after Slughorn helped me out. Going to him may have been a mistake because he's the sort of bloke to call in favors. On the upside, Quidditch will start up again. I made Sirius come out to the pitch with me so I could practice my Sloth Grip Roll. He could've played for the House team if he could be arsed.
Oh, Algernon, if you were feeling better I'd have you bring me bacon, but for now I'll go fetch some for the both of us.
---
Classes start tomorrow! The promise of having something for my brain to chew on other than Potter and my lack of parents is really cheering me up. Also, Emily met me in the Great Hall with a plate of toast and told me that she was sincerely sorry for how she acted yesterday, she says that she only remembered this morning that it was my mother's birthday. I should have told her yesterday, I suppose, but I didn't want to guilt my friends into making up again. Emily and I have vowed to spend more time alone together, as she is always with Rob and I have been spending increasing amounts of time with Karl lately. It would be suspicious if I was capable of ever having romantic feelings for Karl, but honestly, sometimes I wonder how Beatrice brings herself to kiss him without laughing.
I am going to spend today catching up on any homework I may have forgotten to do (although I don't think there's any) and looking over my next textbook chapters. Professor Hallosheth hinted at a test before the holidays. And of course, Professor Slughorn will be giving us some kind of quiz on Wednesday.
The chocolate this morning was delicious. However, I simply cannot allow Terry Heaney to feel like this entitles him to take my shoes. I am going to confront him about it once and for all.
Tomorrow, maybe. I mean, there's no point in rushing these things, is there?
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