Monday 26th May
Lily looked like shit today. This has confirmed my suspicions that something is dead off, since normally she looks rather attractive when she's ill. Clearly this is not something natural. I actually was almost scared of her today when I asked her how she was doing. If she weren't so upset with me from Friday, I'd Stun her and drag her to the Hospital Wing myself. Wood slipped me a note in Charms saying she couldn't get anything out of Lily yesterday. Shit. Not sure what to do. Might have to consult with Remus on this. All my mates, if they can be persuaded, and I suspect they can, even Sirius. He's not blind, and anyone with half-decent eyesight could have seen Lily's demented behavior today.
No Quidditch tonight. Dead strange having all my nights open. Padfoot and I went out to the Shack for an hour or so to work on Comeuppance. Comeuppance of another sort will need to be enacted against those Death Eaters that tried to break apart the Marauders. I won't stand for it!
---
Lily has just shouted at Algernon for sitting on her lap and `making her too bloody hot.' This is ridiculous. I love her, and as such, I refuse to let this continue. Also, who shouts at a cat? Even I've never resorted to that. That's what forced diets are for.
---
Emily, Remus, Beatrice, Karl and Potter all pissed me off today. They all keep staring at me, whispering to each other and passing notes. I've been apprehended by each of them at different times. Emily and Beatrice walked with me practically everywhere, and Emily keeps touching my arm and pleading with me to talk to her. Karl annoyed me just because he was being Karl, but I placed the Full Body-Bind on him and that shut him up. Remus was probably the worst, he cornered me in the library and went all saintly on me, saying that I could trust him if I needed to talk, and that everyone is worried and they all love me. Nonsense, all of it. I asked him how I can be expected to trust him when he won't trust me and tell me certain things about himself that I already know. I know he understood what I meant, because he went really white and quiet. Probably afraid that I'm going to go blabbing to everyone that he's a werewolf. I left before he could say anything else, and then stayed in the girls' bathroom for a while because I felt like I'd seriously hurt the next person who came near me.
And then after I got back to the common room, bloody Potter came up and asked me how I was feeling. I've never felt more like killing him in my life, and I think he got the message because he looked pretty scared and backed away from me. His stupid cat kept jumping on me, too. I would have given it a kick, but Potter was looking and I didn't want to give him another excuse to come over.
Then, one of the suits of armor fell over in the corridor on the way to dinner, and would have hit me, only Black was walking nearby and yanked me out of the way, a bit bloody roughly, as it happens. He's probably the one who made it topple over and then panicked because he didn't want to get expelled, ergo, he had to `save' me from it He wouldn't be able to wet himself over Potter if he was expelled, would he? Ha. I shoved him away and he hit his head against another suit of armor. Deserves it.
I look shit. My face looks like it's been rubbed in grease. Rash has spread more, and is still oozing in certain areas. I have to wear my robes to hide it, as you can see it beneath my school blouse, which only makes me hotter. No longer care how I look. I hope I die in my sleep.
Beatrice is still sticking to her promise, which I'd be grateful for if she'd just stop bloody nagging me to let her break it and/or go to the hospital wing. I can take care of myself! I promised her that I'll go to Pomfrey later, after I have a nap. I'm too tired to walk all the way down there, to the hospital wing. It's too far. Beatrice should fucking well leave me alone!
And why is it so fucking hot in this stupid dorm?!
---
Found another note in bag:
Don't worry, it'll all be finished with in a few weeks. And when it is, nobody's going to care, Mudblood, not even your blood-traitor boyfriend. Nobody really gives a shit about filthy, dirty vermin anyway.
Rash is everywhere except on my face. Lucky that, I can still hide it. Really hot, going back to sleep.
Tuesday 27th May
Was too late to go see Pomfrey when I woke up last night, but I'll go later, I swear! I just pushed Beatrice's Transfiguration book off the table because she won't stop hissing in my ear about it.
Everywhere hurts. Very hot. Sleepy. McGonagall loves me, she won't mind if I close my eyes for a few secon minutes.
---
I've been cursed. There you go, diary.
Don't ask me how I was cursed or who did it, but Madame Pomfrey says that cursed I was indeed, and badly so. It's Dark Magic, of course, a way to seriously damage your enemy without being held in any suspicion. Mainly, it's designed to make the victim, in this case, me, get sicker and sicker until eventually their health gives way completely, by feeding on negative experiences, paranoia and stress. Also, in layman's terms, it turns you into a right bitch, too. I guess that explains why I've taken to punching, pushing, swearing and shouting at people recently. I've been walking around for the past week and a half under the influence of a potentially fatal curse and I didn't realize it! And I probably would have suffered on for another little while if I hadn't fallen asleep in Transfiguration. I was brought here when Beatrice couldn't wake me up.
When Emily, Beatrice and James (James?) brought me up to the hospital wing, Dumbledore was called and figured out pretty quickly that I had been cursed. Beatrice ran back up to the dorm and got the letters while Emily recounted everything that's happened to me lately (my owl, fingers, etc.). I don't really know what else happened then, but after everything had been revealed, Dumbledore did some weird magic that removed the curse from my body. He came into the hospital wing (I was woken up for that very reason) a little while ago and asked me why I hadn't come to him sooner. I didn't know what to say, diary. Why hadn't I? He is going to try his best to discover who did this to me, but said that he can't exactly throw all of the Slytherins out just because my friends (all of whom were very tearful, apparently. I love my friends!) and I have vague ideas about who it could be. I doubt anyone will get thrown out, everyone knows that Dumbledore doesn't like expelling his students. He gives people second chances all the time. I used to admire that about him, but now I think it's probably a sign of dementia.
Dumbledore also said that James seemed more upset than anybody else earlier, which makes me want to throttle someone. Or cry.
I suppose I should feel happy that I'm being taken care of, but I don't. I feel just as angry and upset as I did before. I really deserved what I got, didn't I? I've always been so cruel and mean and selfish. I treat everybody so badly. I've done so many horrible and evil things; I've had this coming to me, haven't I? Oh no, wait, actually, I haven't! This is all because my loving, kind, caring and dead parents were Muggles! Filthy, dirty Mudbloods, just like me! You can see how that renders me deserving of a slow and painful death.
Nobody has been in to see me since I woke up and I don't want to see anyone. I've been reading back on my recent entries, diary, and I feel terrible. I can't believe I said that to Remus! Sweet, kind, lovely Remus whom I've always admired so much. He's never done or said a thing to me to deserve that kind of treatment. Please, please, please tell me I didn't. He'll hate me. And Emily and Beatrice! My best friends on earth! Oh god, they were only trying to take care of me, and I threw it back in their face. I'm a horrible, horrible person, and I won't blame any of them if they never forgive me. Hate myself.
Pomfrey says that I still have some time to go before the effects have left my system completely, so she's putting me to sleep until well into tomorrow because the process will be quite painful otherwise.
Hopefully I won't wake up, ever.
---
Lily was cursed. I didn't notice. I tried to sleep with her, for Merlin's sake! I am a right fool.
After Lily was taken to the Hospital Wing, Pomfrey had to eventually kick me out. I refused to leave entirely, though, and ended up just pacing outside in the corridor until my mates dragged me away. I started in on one of my I Don't Deserve Her rants, but they stopped me. Remus pointed out that once I knew she was ill I tried to help, and that I'd worked with Lily's friends to figure out what was going on. Even Sirius refused to let me mope about, which was unexpected. Don't know what that's all about.
Regardless, I still think I was being dead stupid. Those fucking Death Eaters probably wouldn't have cursed her if I weren't her boyfriend. I can't believe she got the curse instead of me because I'm a pure-blood. Merlin, it makes me so fucking angry! I'm going to find out which Death Eaters were responsible for this, and I will murder them.
I need to go think things out, and then talk to Lily. I should take Algernon with me for protection in case she decides I was too much of an idiot and tries to curse me into nonexistence.
---
Lily is apparently sleeping until tomorrow. Have decided to camp out in Hospital Wing with the Cloak and Algernon. I've done none of my assignments for tomorrow, but I can't be arsed. The woman I love comes before schoolwork.
Wednesday 28th May
I woke up at eleven this morning to find Emily and Beatrice sitting on the end of my bed, neither of them annoyed or
angry at all. I started to apologize immediately, but they shushed me and told that I'm not allowed to. Their only
concern is that I feel better, they say, and that I get back to being my usual cheery self again. They were so nice and
kind, and even brought with them moisturizers and nail polish and various other things like that, which Emily used to
`make me look like Lily again,' while Beatrice brushed my hair, because she knows how my mother used to do that for
me when we watched television in the evenings, and how much I miss it. It made me want to cry, and it took a lot of
effort not to. Their obvious love and relief to see me recovering made me appreciate exactly how much they both mean to
me, which is something I've never done before. I think this experience has done quite the opposite of what I
feared, and brought us closer together. I love my friends. So much.
Both Emily and Beatrice are furious about what I've gone through, and quite obsessed with finding out who did it, but I can't share in their enthusiasm yet. It seems I've run out of anger. I don't want to feel or think or see anything negative for a while. As silly and storybookish as it sounds, I just want to be around the people I love, and do and discuss things that make me happy. Negativity, as anyone could probably guess now, diary, is not going to do me any good.
Anyway, as she brushed my hair, Beatrice started asking me about when I was planning to talk to James. I didn't know how to answer her, diary. I've been trying not to think about it, but as it happens, distraction came in the form of the very person. I was trying to think of something I could say to change the subject, when this god almighty snarl came from the middle of the room and Algernon jumped right out of what appeared to be thin air and on to my lap. That's when I started to cry, diary. I've never had a bigger shock in my life, and I already felt unsafe enough as it was. Understandable, I hope, considering that I was cursed and didn't know it. That doesn't do wonders for your feeling of security or anything.
Right after that, Madame Pomfrey came running out of her office to find the source of the commotion, slipped over and collided with James, who was standing there in his Invisibility Cloak! Which made me cry harder, because I was so happy to see him and also really upset, for the same reason. Naturally, Pomfrey assumed that it was he who had made me cry, not his cat, and went bananas, ordering the whole lot of them, James, Beatrice and Emily, to leave immediately. I told Beatrice to force Remus to visit me first thing tomorrow before she shoved them out, and she hugged me for the first time in years and promised she would. I could hear Emily and James bickering all the way down the corridor. How long was he in here? And why wouldn't he talk to me when he was? I'm too... how am I expected to figure out what he was doing?
It's been an odd day, diary.
---
Plan did not go as expected. I woke up when Wood and Booth came into the Hospital Wing, which meant I wasn't able to talk to Lily. Good thing, though, since I'd forgot overnight what I'd meant to say to her. I couldn't leave the Hospital Wing without being noticed, so I was forced into eavesdropping. Informative. Odd, too. Never seen Wood that, well, affectionate before. And Lily was back to her normal self! Thank Merlin. No lasting damage.
Things were fine until Booth asked Lily about me. I may have grabbed Algernon a bit too tightly (out of protectiveness, not nerves), and he went a bit psycho and ran to Lily. She started crying. Once more James Potter succeeded in making her cry. Fuck. I tried to apologize, but Pomfrey kicked us all out. Wood immediately started giving me shit for terrifying Lily, although I did partially deserve it. When she stopped shouting Wood, Booth, and I discussed how we could discover who'd cast the curse. They're joining us Marauders for a planning session later tonight.
After dinner I snuck back into the Hospital Wing. I pointedly forgot to take Algernon. (I've put him on a diet again to teach him a lesson about overreacting.) Lily wasn't overjoyed to see me. She also did not start hexing me on sight. I took this as a good sign and apologized for Friday. And for not noticing earlier. And for Algernon's behavior. All in all I probably apologized for everything I've ever done, and she accepted. She accepted! We're all right! It was a lot like the conversations I had this weekend, only better because I am in love with Lily Evans, and she at least doesn't think I'm a piece of shit. I'm rather inclined to believe she fancies me a whole lot, despite my errors in the past week. She likes me enough to make an agreement with me about our relationship, whatever it is. We came up with the following list of points we will both abide by:
1) James Potter and Lily Evans are not dating. They are not dating other people, but they are not an `item.'
2) Lily Evans and James Potter may snog as much as they would like, so long as they ask first. Things will not progress beyond this point without the express permission of both parties.
3) James Potter and Lily Evans should talk to each other directly and not use Remus Lupin, or any other person, as an intermediary.
4) Lily Evans and James Potter will attempt to communicate better. This includes eliminating misinterpretations and assumptions that both parties may experience.
5) James Potter will not start walks with Lily Evans, and then leave her to finish walking his cat.
6) Lily Evans will tell James Potter if she receives any more threats, note-form or otherwise.
7) James Potter will not provoke Severus Snape even if he is a disgusting Death Eater.
8) Lily Evans will not force James Potter to pick between her and his friends.
9) James Potter will not attempt to speak languages he has not formally studied.
10) James Potter will teach Lily Evans how to play Polish Pirate Poker.
The one we disagreed about most was the last item. Polish Pirate Poker is a Marauder game! I shouldn't have told her about it. Although it will be nice to have another default ally in the game, I suppose.
She also told me to thank Sirius for saving her from the suit of armor. I had no idea what she was on about, so she explained. Must confront him about this. He's probably embarrassed, the twat. I owe him quite a bit for that. He'd better not try to get me to let him win Poker, though, because there is no way he's getting away with that.
Thursday 29th May
James came back to the hospital wing yesterday evening to see me, sans his mad cat this time. Although I do love the
mad cat, I have to admit. I was apprehensive at first, but he was so sincere in his (many) apologies and seemed so
distressed about the whole thing that I felt myself relenting in spite of myself. It seems I just have to accept that I
have absolutely zero resistance against him, diary. It's not a nice fact, but at least I know now that my feelings
are reciprocated, and I could do a whole lot worse.
In order to ensure that James maintains his new resolution to be honest with me, I gave him a sheet of paper and point
blank ordered him to draw up a contract, detailing the things we are going to have to work on if we ever want to start
dating properly. Sounds a bit insane for two teenagers, I know, but I don't want us to become one of those couples
who go out for a few months and then split up. I think I've invested too much in him already to end up that way.
Therefore, I don't see the harm in making our relationship healthy before said relationship begins. You could call
it a head start, I suppose.
He agreed, of course, and eventually a contract was created, after a few minor arguments. I felt that some of his demands, for example, `James Potter should have Lily Evans's full permission to defend her honor by transforming any person who tries to flirt with or proposition her into a goat,' were unnecessary and refused to include them. Annoyingly, he would not include my request of `James Potter must stop staring at Lily Evans's breasts, as her eyes are situated in her head,' arguing that it's out of his control, and that if I wanted him to not look at my body, I shouldn't have let it become so appealing. Of course, I melted right after that, and let him leave it out. Weak, Evans. You'll have to toughen up.
We've got a month left in school, and I've decided that if by the end of that month, we haven't stuck to
the contract, we never will, and I'll then force my friends to force me to call the whole thing off. Fingers
crossed!
After I ate my breakfast this morning, six people came trooping into the hospital wing to see me. I'm not exactly sure why James's friends and my friends have suddenly taken to hanging around together, but I decided not to question it. Instead, I had to ask everyone bar Remus to leave as I needed to talk to him. Only James got all suspicious and didn't want to, so I had to let him sit there while I groveled to Remus about my previous actions. He accepted my apology at once and wasn't mad at all, which was very sweet of him. Still, I made sure he knew that even though I've known for a long time, thanks to Severus (although I never rose to his bait and acknowledged it to him. I'm not in the habit of talking about people behind their backs), I've never told anyone, never thought of him as anything other than the lovely person he is, and that I admire and respect him infinitely. Then I made him give me a hug, which scared him quite a bit. I don't think he's used to being around girls.
Pomfrey won't tell me when I'm getting out, which is irritating. Everyone keeps stopping by to ask me if I know when yet, so they can plan some sort of celebratory thing. James told me that if I'm out at the weekend, he'll bring me to Hogsmeade. No idea how he'd manage that as it's not a Hogsmeade weekend, but I presume he has some sort of a plan. As he says, he is a Marauder, after all.
---
There is a plan. Oh, is there a plan. Our revenge will be swift and just. Mulciber will get his just desserts. Poisonous desserts. That look tasty but will make you ill the next day. Yes, exactly like that. Only better.
I don't care what Dumbledore and McGonagall have told me. Those Death Eaters have crossed the line (they can't even see the line!), and I will not stand for it. Nor will I sit for it. In fact, I'm going to go plot some more. Also must visit Moony, as he's feeling ill. Full moon tomorrow.
Where's Algernon? Bacon will help my thought processes.
Friday 30th May
I'm out! Free! Recovered(ish)! Madame Pomfrey let me out this morning before breakfast. She gave me this potion
that I am to take before bed tonight, and a warning to come back in a couple of days so she can check up on me, and let
me out! Huzzah!
I went down to the Great Hall in search of my friends, and I found them sitting with the Marauders at the end of the
table, removed from everyone else. They were all leaning forward in their seats and whispering like they didn't
want anyone to hear them. I hope they're not planning to exact revenge or something, because they'll all end up
in serious trouble. Anyway, Beatrice and Emily started screaming when they saw me, and there was an embarrassing moment
where they jumped out of their seats, hugged me and danced around like the silly girls they are. You would think that I
had been gone for three years, not three days. I love them, diary. I also loved the way everyone started waiting on me
when I sat down. Hehe, I adore getting special treatment, so I might as well enjoy it while it lasts!
Beatrice and Emily are throwing me a little party in our dorm tonight. It was decided after a slight altercation at breakfast because James wanted to spend the evening with me too (Yay!). Beatrice started going on about how they should get me tonight because James is going to have the rest of his life to spend time with me (Is he? What?), and how he could have the whole day in Hogsmeade with me tomorrow. So she won. Only when that happened, Sirius and Peter said that they wanted to go to Hogsmeade too. And then the girls said that they couldn't trust a load of boys with me. So I guess we're all going. With the exception or Remus, who is `feeling ill' (code for `reason that I cannot explain to Emily and Beatrice, no matter how much the latter whinges about it'). I suspect that certain members of this group (all of them) actually aren't vying to spend time with me because they want to, but because they want to keep an eye on me. In case I'm attacked again, I suppose.
A house-elf has just turned up in our dorm with food. Now I know why Beatrice was so confident that she could get food from the kitchens even though she doesn't know how to find them. How did she get a house-elf to do that for her?
---
Travesty abound. Amongst other strange things that we got up to this evening, Emily came up with the idea of making a
list of the five best-looking boys in Gryffindor. See if you agree with this, diary, because I most certainly
don't.
5) Terry Heaney (they both think he's `dark and brooding.' Yick)
4) Evan McNamee (He's pretty good looking, and Emily agrees, but Beatrice thinks he looks like a beaver)
3) James Potter (I don't know what bothers me more, Emily's insistence that he's not attractive, or
Beatrice's insistence that he's a total sexpot. Will be keeping a close eye on her from now on)
2) Sirius Black (No! No! I was outvoted. He would have come third if I hadn't stupidly agreed that he wasn't
horribly disfigured. How could he beat James? How could anyone beat James?! Do people here actually have
eyes?)
1) Remus Lupin (The only person we could all agree on)
James should have come first, Remus second, and Terry and Black shouldn't even be on the list. Black is so plain! And James is so handsome, and he has that lovely hair. My friends are fools. Beatrice, at least, has some taste, but now I'm going to freak out every time she so much as looks at my man. Mine!
Must go, we're sneaking up to Terry Heaney's dorm and giving him a makeover. That'll be a nice surprise for when he wakes tomorrow morning. Ha. Hahaha.
Saturday 31st May
Hogsmeade visit today. Thanks to my cunning genius, the Marauders and Lily & Co. were able to go sneak into The Three Broomsticks, although Remus was still recuperating with Pomfrey. Poor bloke. The day was dead fun, though. Right up until Booth mentioned that she and the other girls decided I am somehow horribly unattractive. Apparently they have made a list of the most attractive blokes in Gryffindor. And who won? Remus! And Sirius came after him! Then me. I'm feeling dead unattractive. How could I lose to Remus?! And Terry Sodding Heaney was on the list! I don't want to be on any list he's on, especially not after his exotic get-up this morning. Don't know what that was all about - he's dead strange like that. In any case, I think I hid my shock and outrage quite well. Definitely better than Peter. Being beat out by Terry Heaney… that's painful. Especially since Lily and I agree we think he's pining after Helena Hodge.
Lily tried to make me feel better by snogging me a bit when we got back to the castle (we were both a little tipsy, and I don't think either of us asked first, but there was no question about consent, that's for sure). It helped, but now I'm curled up in bed. I've sent Algernon for comfort food.
Tomorrow night Lily is joining us for Polish Pirate Poker. My mates weren't best pleased to hear about it, but I semi-partially-explained the situation to them. Mostly I think they agreed so they can take advantage of her inexperience and take all of her shillings, the scoundrels.
Algernon has just returned. He's brought haggis. Clearly he's upset about this diet. I might have to reconsider it for my own sake.
---
What can I say about today, diary? Well, the Hogsmeade trip started out great, at least. The boys brought us down this secret passageway that led to Honeydukes cellar, and then James brought each of us out one by one under his cloak. We had a couple of good hours, during which time I actually made Sirius Black laugh on a few occasions. With me, not at me! So I was very happy, at least, until we went for lunch in The Three Broomsticks. Then the conversation went like this:
Beatrice: Oh, I know something that you just have to tell Remus! Last night, we made a list of the five most
gorgeous boys in Gryffindor, and guess what, Remus came first!
James: What? What!? Who came second?
Beatrice: Sirius, obviously. Then you, then McNamee, then Terry Heaney.
James: Who decided this?!
Beatrice: Oh, all three of us. It was a completely mutual agreement. Make sure you tell Remus that I told you,
yeah?
Emily: (coughs awkwardly)
Me: (mortified)
Sirius: (steals one of James's chips, uncaring)
James: (mouth open in disbelief and possible misery)
Peter: Well.... I've had sex (scurries off to toilet).
Everyone: (stares after Peter)
Beatrice: (pats James's arm) Don't worry, one day you'll get to have sex, too!
James would not talk to anyone for the rest of the excursion, as he was in a huge sulk. I snogged him a bit when we got back to cheer him up, but I don't think it worked, although he certainly got very into it. I can't believe Beatrice left out the important details, like, oh, the part where I wanted James to come first on the list! And it wasn't like I could shout out about it in the middle of lunch, it's not appropriate and I'm not crazy like Bea! Bloody Beatrice. He probably thinks I fancy Black and Remus now, and not him. Nonsense! If James had witnessed the dream I had about us last night (I won't say too much about it, but let's just say that we went much further in my dream than we ever did in his dorm), he certainly wouldn't think that I'm not attracted to him. I'll never be able to visit Emily in the Quidditch dressing rooms again without blushing. Ahem.
Will find and convince James of his own magnificence tomorrow. Will hopefully (but not likely) get some form of compliment in return.
Sunday 1st June
Rather genius idea on my part last night when I found myself unable to sleep. I went up to James's dorm, woke him
and pretended that I'd had a really bad nightmare in order to sleep in his bed with him. I don't feel bad about
the lie, as it worked to both of our advantages. Not only did I get to spend the entire night cuddled up with my man
(mine, mine, mine!), I also had the opportunity to explain the list to him properly, and compliment him enough so that
his enormous ego has now been restored to its normal state. So everyone wins. We even got to talk a bit, which was
really nice, but he went oddly silent after I told him about my dressing room dream (ahem!) of the night before last
and I couldn't tell if he was asleep or not. I don't think he was, somehow. Oh, I can be quite the bitch when I
want to be!
Polish Pirate Poker on Monday. Remus sent me a note asking me if I'd like to conspire against the others, as they are all sure to use my inexperience to their advantage. This is definitely something to consider, diary. I sent a reply telling him I'd get back to him later.
He smells so inhumanly nice, James does. I wonder why I never noticed before.
---
Last night Lily came into my bed. She was not naked, unfortunately, but it was still dead nice. She doesn't think I'm horridly ugly! And she stayed in my bed all night. Apparently she has been having lewd dreams of us together. It turned me on like a Charm. I had to carefully arrange my lower body so that she would not feel pressured (in either sense). She torments me so! I love the feeling of her hair. It's so lovely, even when I wake up with some of it in my mouth. I don't think she noticed, though, since I woke up before she did and was able to remedy the situation.
Spent the morning wandering around the grounds with Algernon. Didn't do much of anything, really. For a while I transformed into Prongs and explored the Forbidden Forest. It's already June, and I had some things I had to sort out.
-->