Monday 10th March
It seems I am not the only one with womanly woes. Today Peter fulfilled his promise by asking out Helena Hodge, but she didn't seem keen on the idea. She said she'd think about it. I advised Wormtail not to ask a girl running into the loo with a pained expression next time, but to wait for a better moment. I felt very much like Moony.
Remus's birthday was today. Sirius had a chat with him before breakfast, and they're all sorted out now. I wasn't sure what to get Moony for his birthday, but I remember hearing that you should get someone something you'd like to get. All I want for my birthday is a date with Evans, but there was no way I was getting that for Remus. I'm still hoping I'll get that in a couple of weeks. Perhaps it's worth putting off the poison until after then. If I don't get it, I expect I'll be dead ready to die. In any case, I originally couldn't think of anyone, so I asked Rhonda Roper. She didn't seem to keen on actually dating Remus, as he is apparently "not intelligent enough, judging by his companions." I took great affront to this. Still, I had no more ideas until Wormtail suggested Evans's friend Beatrice Booth. He thinks he saw her checking out his arse the other day. I had no better suggestions, so I asked her first thing this morning. She agreed, thankfully, or I would've been without a present. Maybe my desperation leaked through enough to persuade her.
I told Remus he'd have to wait until tonight to get it, and then I disappeared under the Cloak until Padfoot told him to go meet "me" outside the Entrance Hall. He hasn't come back yet, so I expect things are going well.
In anticipation of my upcoming tragic death, I went through my possessions again so as to rewrite my will, properly this time. In my trunk I found the photos of Evans, which only broke my heart more. I want to return them to her, but at the same time I'd like to treasure them, as they're all I have. I can't very well leave it up to my will because then she'd think I stole them. The injustice is tearing a hole in my soul.
Algernon just returned. The poison plan did not go over well. I asked him to go fetch poison, but he brought back a plate of haggis instead. I was desperate enough after the photos to try it, but it only gave me bad breath. Nothing ever goes right for me.
---
I am so clever! Algernon just came into the common room with a plate of treacle tart and headed towards Potter's dorm, but one simple Switching Spell later and Algernon was carrying a plate of haggis. Emily said that it was genius of me, but it would have been better to put a potion to relieve constipation in the treacle tart. I told her that Potter doesn't, to my knowledge, suffer from constipation, and she said, "That's the point, isn't it?" Thanks to her, Karl is now talking about whether or not we need our bowels. I wish Beatrice was here to shut him up, but she's gone missing.
Remus liked the card I gave him this morning and after a lot of badgering, I got him to admit that there are rolls of parchment in Diagon Alley that don't roll up when you're writing with them, and that he wants some of those. Remus says that it really irritates him when parchment rolls up at the ends. I was secretly hoping that he would ask for something more birthday-ish, but if that's what he wants, that's what he'll get. I am also going to order him a new quill and a pot of self-replenishing ink (Bea and Emily say that they'll put some money towards it). I might throw in some chocolate, too. Oh, and some Butterbeer! Yes, I think that will amount to a most satisfactory birthday present. I didn't and won't tell Remus about the little additions I will be making. He very slyly asked me what I would be getting Potter for his birthday. Oh ho, how witty of you, Remus. I told him that I didn't know when Potter's birthday was and that I didn't want to know. I lied, Potter's birthday is on the 27th of March (Oh, but how I love that stupid bastard), and I will certainly not be getting him anything. It's not like he did anything for me. In fact, out of all the Marauders, I only got something from Remus on my birthday. I told Remus so and he said that he would berate Potter for his forgetfulness.
Helena Hodge is dating Terry Heaney. I find this sick for several reasons, not least because Terry is three years younger than her. They were holding hands in the corridor. Emily told me that Black told her that Peter is really eaten up about it, but I asked Peter and he told me that he's actually not that bothered, he only asked Helena out because Potter told him to. Apparently, he now automatically does whatever James tells him. Peter also told me that he was sorry about the photos, and asked me if James had given them back yet. I hadn't the foggiest idea what he was talking about, but then Peter said that he thought I looked quite pretty in them, so I know they are of me. I am disturbed. Does Potter have photos of me that he has started to show around to people? I would ask, but I am ignoring him.
Wait, wait, wait….. Potter has photos of me?! But how?! What?! And when?! He has just entered the common room from his dorm. I am going to walk over to him now and slap him right in the face!!
I'd like to hear what excuse he has for this one. And I'm not accepting anything that doesn't involve him kissing me. Hah. Slap time!
Tuesday 11th March
Evans broke her silent treatment last night with a slap. At least it was contact with her, I suppose. She asked about the photos, but I feigned ignorance rather skillfully. At the end of our brief conversation I hinted that she'll know more come the 28th. Right now I'm planning my death-by-poison for that Friday during Herbology. (Payback for the detention Sprout gave me third-year. Completely unfair.) It seems fitting. I've yet to convince Algernon to poison me. I think he knows what I'm planning to do with the poison, and is refusing to bring it to me. I might have to go look for some myself.
Today started off poor enough with a sour letter from Mum about how her sister has won Great Aunt Gertrude's silverware. There was a short note from Dad attached with a reminder to stay well away from the opposite sex, and also a premature Birthday Wish. I asked for something sweet, and the note turned into a delicious bar of chocolate.
Things got worse when Remus came in late to breakfast. He looked right murderous and refused to talk to me all day. I take it his date did not go well. I should've found someone actually interested in him. I felt dead guilty about how little effort I put into his gift. After Transfiguration I finally convinced him to tell me what happened. All he'd say was that he's never been more confused about his scars, and that he would appreciate it if I did not try to set him up with anyone else, ever. I said I'd back off.
None of the Marauders are good with women, it seems. Poor Peter. Helena is now dating Terry Heaney (the Quill has since worn off, unfortunately). Wormtail didn't look as put out as I'd expected.
Possible last words: "Alas, poor Evans, I knew her not well enough."
---
Beatrice is insistent that she is in love with Remus Lupin. We can't get any more details out of her. She went on a date with him last night (!) and told us, and by us, I mean Emily, myself and Karl, that it did not go very well. Remus, she says, may never want to talk to her again. It serves her right, I think. She should stick to her own boyfriend.
Potter will not tell me why he has the photos. I will get it out of him by the end of the week if it kills me.
Wednesday 12th March
I cornered Potter outside the dungeons after our Potions class and, wand pointed at his throat, warned him that he had one more chance to explain why he was ferrying creepy photos of me around before I hexed his Adam's apple out of his neck. Sadly, I came off worst in this spat, because instead of skirting around the issue he actually started to semi-explain. He muttered something about poison and teaching his cat how to write wills (or something to that effect, anyway), but then he actually mentioned that he wanted to keep them! I didn't hear him properly after that, he was mumbling a lot, but I swear on Merlin's legacy that he said he thought I was pretty, I swear it! I can't have imagined it, because I wouldn't have thrown my arms around his neck and kissed him if I had. Or maybe I would have. Oh….. Oh dear.
I only kissed him for a second, anyway! He probably didn't even notice it, or thought it was a fly landing on his mouth or something. I came to my senses a split second later, when Severus Snape walked around the corner and made some kind of strange, strangled animal noise, I suppose to indicate that he was there. I stole away from Potter then, skipped Defense, and that partially leads me to where I am now, in my dorm room.
I went kind of crazy a few minutes ago, but of all people, Karl managed to calm me down. Emily and Beatrice were trying to make me feel better, but then in a stroke of genius, Karl suggested that we just modify Potter's memory. As simple as that! Beatrice says that she would happily jump out from behind a suit of armor and Obliviate his arse. And if that fails, we have another plan! I will simply deny that I kissed him and act clueless if anybody asks me about it. Then Bea and Emily will stage a noisy conversation in front of one or more of James's friends, wondering aloud why on earth Helena Hodge ripped out a few of my hairs the other day. It did occur to me that lying about Helena could lead to Terry Heaney's heartbreak, but frankly, diary, I don't care. Their relationship is way too creepy to be allowed.
I hope the Obliviate plan works. I don't see why it can't work. Unless Potter keeps a diary or something, but what are the chances of that?
---
The suicide is off. Am too elated to write more.
Thursday 13th March
She kissed me!!! Lily Evans kissed me! After Potions she asked about the photos, and my Remus voice told me to tell her, but I couldn't seem to find the words. Mentioning Algernon may have been a mistake, as that seemed to throw her through a loop. I did tell her she looked dead pretty, and meant to ask if I could keep just one of them since she was so dead set on getting them back, but then she kissed me!!!!!!!!!!! I skipped Defense in order to better preserve the memory. Sirius found me after class blissfully sprawled out over a sofa in the common room. He sat on my stomach, the tosser, and he didn't share my enthusiasm. I wasn't bothered, because nothing could bring down my mood.
Except until just now, at breakfast, when she denied all knowledge of it. Crap, crap, double crap. I fear I may have hallucinated it. Or perhaps it was the haggis. I can't die prematurely! I still have to write my will!
"Et tu, Evans?" I think this is my best line yet because only she will understand what I mean. To snog me and then reject me…. I'm dying on the inside.
---
Karl fucked up both of our wonderful plans in one go. Bea and Emily sat down in front of Sirius and started discussing the Helena Hoax that we agreed upon, but then Karl, the dopey bugger, came along and told them that nobody was going to believe that Helena Hodge had taken Polyjuice Potion to turn into me when she already had another bloke and that they should have just done what he said in the first place, and removed Potter's memory. Beatrice told me that Sirius dissolved into triumphant cackles and started shouting all over the common room that I was snogging Potter outside the dungeon yesterday. In fact, he slid into the seat next to me at lunch and started asking me if I'd be giving Potter a repeat performance any time soon.
Most people think that I might have reacted a tad too harshly with my wand, but really, I'm glad that the wanker's rash is back. He'll be in the hospital wing for the rest of the day. Ha ha.
I managed to get through all of our afternoon classes under the pretence of not knowing what Potter was on about, but now that Sirius knows, Potter will most definitely know too. And I have Astronomy with him tonight! Shit!
Karl has broken up with Beatrice. Bea says that he'll take her back in a couple of days and Karl told me the same thing, but he said he needs a break to concentrate on `learnin' things an' that.' It seems to be a bad day for love all round, Helena Hodge broke up with Terry Heaney, too. I wasn't there to hear it, but she screamed at him outside the Gryffindor common room that she was sick of loving men who were too busy being obsessed with `that stupid tramp' to notice her. Emily says that the stupid tramp is supposedly me, and she has just left to tell Potter about it. Emily does not take kindly to people insulting her friends. Maybe she is hoping that Potter will turn Helena into a goat again?
I want to kiss Potter again. There was something about him that reminded me of chocolate. I do not mind telling you how much I love Potter and his lips, dear, lovely diary of mine, but I just wish I hadn't told Emily.
Remus has started to shudder every time he sees Beatrice, and that reminds me, I have to order his presents. Bugger.
Friday 14th March
Good news: I kissed Lily Evans today. Bad news: She is not speaking to me, supposedly ever again.
The whole school now knows that she snogged me (quite a picture, I imagine, as we're both dead attractive) on Wednesday. The information cost poor Sirius his skin, and I'm off to visit him once I finish quilling this. She avoided my eye all during Charms, but I found myself overtaken by a sudden burst of bravery, and cornered her after class. (This unexpected mood may have been my mother's letter this morning with more dating advice. I didn't read most of it, but I found it inspiring all the same.) I remembered the first rule, though, and asked if I could kiss her. She didn't answer, but I figured by then I'd asked, and that's really all I needed, so I kissed her rather passionately. We snogged for a bit, but then Snivellus walked in on us again. My first instinct, which I followed, was to turn him into a goat. This didn't go over well with Evans, unfortunately. She's never got over that protective bit. Why I love her, I suppose, but I wish she would talk to me.
Tripped in Charms and may have possibly set Baxter Miggles on fire.
Wormtail is now dating Helena Hodge. Good on him, except I feel a bit lonely now. I'll go commiserate with Padfoot.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so is your mouth." Hmm. Perhaps not. I'm pants at rhyming.
---
I've been up in the hospital wing all afternoon with Severus Snape. Potter kissed me after Charms class (he asked first!). Severus caught us at it again, and Potter, instead of acting like the kinder and slightly more mature person that I thought he was, turned him into a goat. I took pity on Severus and brought him up to the hospital wing, but if he thinks that this is going to reestablish our friendship again, he has another thing coming. As for Potter, I am sickeningly angry with him. I can't believe that he would resort to such childishness! It's not like Severus was doing anything, he just happened to walk in on us while we were snogging. With his wand aloft and pointing at Potter, yes, but since when does that prove anything?!
I was snogging James Potter. That is such an odd, but yet lovely, thing to write. After his behavior today, however, I will never write it again. I just wish he weren't so good at it, or so handsome, or so stupidly endearing all of the time. And I wish that his hair wasn't so sexy. Fucking idiot.
In other news, Remus told me that his date with Beatrice was going reasonably well until she started badgering him about his scars. She wouldn't stop asking Remus where he had gotten them and if she could touch the ones on his face. No wonder he got frightened. She also told him that she finds his scars sexy. This was especially disturbing for Remus because his dittany went missing the other night and we suspect that Bea might have taken it in order to prevent his scars from healing. I don't think she would, though. I asked Karl when he'd take her back and he said that he might do it after dinner, if there's chicken. He doesn't like being emotional on an empty stomach, he says.
I think I am going to go up to Potter's dorm and take my photos back. They are of me, so I feel like I have a perfect right to them. I may also destroy all of his belongings while I'm at it.
---
That did not go so well. I think that kissing him again was a bad move. Especially right after I'd smacked him in the face.
I'm going to bed. Hopefully I'll never wake up.
Saturday 15th March
Suicide may be back on. It's hard to tell. One minute I'm elated because Evans apparently will snog me whenever she pleases, but the other I'm frustrated because it doesn't seem to work the other way round. Unfair, I say, but I'll take it for now. If it keeps up much longer, though, I will go poison hunting myself.
First weekend without Apparition lessons since January. It was nice to enjoy a long, full Saturday moaning about Evans to Sirius. He got a bit bored, I think, but Remus was hiding in the library and Wormtail was off with Helena. Lucky sod.
Evans came to get the pictures last night, but I still have them. I'm considering demanding payment of the snogging sort.
Just in case I go through with it: "You should wash behind your ears, Evans." It's true, but I can't think of a way to tell her now without ending up hexed to pieces.
Sunday 16th March
Beatrice just came in. As we planned, she used Expelliarmus on Potter and got his wand. The problem is that she has left it in Karl's care. Karl has lost three wands in the past two years because he keeps forgetting that he has a wand in his hand and dropping it. I am going to ask him if he will let me keep it.
---
I have Potter's wand, and therefore I have leverage. He can have it back if he gives me the photos, otherwise I shall leave it to Helena Hodge who will surely never give it back and guard it with her life. Beatrice does not agree with my plan, and because of her I know have vivid images of Helena Hodge trying to violate herself with Potter's wand. It doesn't matter, in any case. If he wants it back he can pay the price. Now I just have to find a way to communicate this message to him without actually communicating.
Nobody has seen Remus all day, and Beatrice says that she didn't take his dittany. I wonder who did?
---
My wand has been stolen. I feel surprisingly emasculated. Evans had best get it back to me before Charms tomorrow morning. Non-verbal isn't an issue with me, but I haven't mastered wandless magic. Yet….
Talked to Wood at Quidditch today. She seems to be warming up to the idea of me dating Evans, as she advised me to "take advantage of her, you idiot." I said, quite cleverly, that it would be easier if I had my wand. She said she'd see what she could do about it, but warned me that it may have been lost by Karl Pilkerson. I don't like him. If he's lost my wand, I'll turn his head into an orange. Human Transfiguration is fun, but I suspect McGonagall is ruing the day she taught me how.
I asked Algernon to bring me Remus so I could talk to him about Evans, but all the cat brought was a steak. Not quite what I was after, although it did mean I could skip dinner to hunt for my wand.
Ugh. Have just seen Wormtail snogging Helena Hodge. I could've died happily without ever seeing that.
"My wand will always belong to you, Evans." Hah. Hahaha. Definitely not.
---
Potter's wand has disappeared from my room, and somebody has turned Karl's head into an orange! Surprisingly, it doesn't look that different, as he still has his mouth, nose and eyes. He was already bald and round-headed to begin with, it's just weird to see juice pour out of his nose whenever he sneezes.
More importantly, somebody has taken Potter's wand, and now it is lost out there somewhere in the Gryffindor common room. I must not let Potter know that I lost it because then he would have reason to be angry with me, which is definitely something that I want to avoid right now. It is Potter who should be trying to get into my good books, and not the other way around.
I've hunted around the dorm and I can't find it. Crap.
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