Monday 24th February
I moaned on a bit about Evans to Sirius today. He suggested I get over her, but I said it wasn't all that easy. He doesn't fancy anyone, he doesn't understand. I said I'd be willing to try something drastic, though, so he suggested cutting off contact with her. So, for the next week, I'm not going to mention Evans at all, or even think about her. I expect this to be dead challenging, but I'm up for it. I'm not in Gryffindor for nothing, after all.
I've just told Remus my plan. He looked down at some parchment in his hand, shook his head, and walked off. I think he was astonished by Padfoot's and my ingenuity.
Why does Algernon smell of vomit? It would be normal except it doesn't smell like his.
---
Remus came in to see me with the letter I wrote for Potter and told me that although he loves his friend very, very much, he would have no problem whatsoever if I punched him very, very hard the next time I see him. Potter has apparently decided to ignore me for the next week, so Remus, Emily, Beatrice and I decided that it would only be prudent of me to ignore him back and appear unaffected by his coldness. Remus said that the more I act as if I dislike Potter, the more chance he seems to think he has with me. Then he left. His rather bizarre parting statement resulted in an hour long conversation between Bea and Emily about the male mind and the amount of empty space that the male brain must contain. Normally, I would have joined in but today I merely pulled the bedclothes over my head and curled up into a ball. I knew, of course, that their debate would lead to argument. Emily is a strident feminist and Beatrice, being more like a boy than like a girl most of the time, has more to say in favor of men. I didn't, however, ever think that their debate would lead to a flock of seagulls flying into the Great Hall and dropping excretion on everybody's dinner. I hope Emily got those cuts tended to.
Terry Heaney came in today and told me that he noticed how my feet are always hurting me these days. He offered to give them a massage, and I would have been sorely tempted under normal circumstances, diary, but I declined. This angered him, and he sprinted from the hospital wing muttering asides. I have been checking under my bed every ten minutes to make sure that my shoes are still there ever since. I hope Terry Heaney does not decide to join forces with Helena in an effort to bring me down. I knew that she'd try something with the contract, but I never expected that Winifred Barnes would end up in St. Mungo's just because she said `Good morning' to Potter as she passed him in the corridor.
It is nice to have the hospital wing to myself, but at the same time I miss having Sirius here. He was an irritant, but at least his frequent murmurs about padded-feet and stags and motorbike wheels gave my brain something to chew on. I don't know if he's right in his mind. Also, Algernon came back in again today, but this time he was carrying a small bottle of Butterbeer. I have forgiven him for his past misdeeds. He sat in my lap and I petted him for a while, it was quite nice, actually. He smelled of soap, somebody must have bathed him recently.
Madame Pomfrey just gave me another potion to drink and says that I can leave in five minutes. Huzzah!
Tuesday 25th February
Day One of ignoring Lily Evans has concluded, and with semi-satisfactory results. I pointedly refused to look her way during all of breakfast and Herbology. During Transfiguration, though, I wanted to show her how much I was ignoring her, so I had Sirius throw some quill nibs at her. When she looked over, I was going to pretend I didn't hear her, but she didn't look over. Long story short, it appears as though she's quite upset with me and is reciprocating my silent treatment. This is most off-putting. I don't know if I can finish out the week at this rate.
To make matters worse, Snape attacked me in the corridor on my way to lunch. Luckily Wormtail was there - he sent up a Shield Charm. I'm quite glad I've reaccepted him as my friend, or I'd be in the Hospital Wing right now without any toes.
Changing nose-shapes? Please. Transfiguration is only good for practicing things when McGonagall's back is turned, like turning Peter into a goat.
Quidditch match this weekend against Hufflepuff. I'm dead excited. Their star Chaser, Bertram Aubrey, is well scared of me and Sirius ever since November. I expect being on the pitch with me will send him into fits. He has every reason to be scared, as the last time we encountered one another, his head nearly blew up. His own fault for insulting Evans. She can't help that she's got ginger hair! And it's quite pretty, so he must be daft.
Terry Heaney kept sneaking looks at Evans during lunch. If he keeps up with it, he'll go the same way as Bertram Aubrey.
---
Severus Snape tried to talk to me today at breakfast. I came down early in order to avoid Potter, who always wakes up late, and Sev was there with a plate of toast. I declined the toast and told him that I wanted to be alone, but he wouldn't listen. He kept insisting that he wants to be friends again, but I stood my ground. He's still chummy, more than chummy, with Mulciber and Avery and he is still set on joining the Death Eaters. I refuse to associate with Death Eaters. Particularly since I am sure that Voldemort would kill me as soon as look at me. I felt rather sorry for Severus, but it is his own fault. He started firing questions about Potter at me then, so I walked out of the hall. I didn't get to eat any breakfast, but I made up for it at lunch as they had copious amounts of pancakes.
Potter threw quill nibs at me today during Herbology, or at least, he got Sirius to do it. If Potter doesn't want people to know what he's up to, he should really learn how to whisper quietly in class. Even Professor Sprout heard him. I didn't look around once, though. I'm very proud of myself.
Emily won't shut up about the Quidditch match this weekend. I am debating as to whether or not I should go, as it would surely annoy Potter if I couldn't be arsed to even watch him play Quidditch. Yes, that is a most excellent idea. I will just go and tell Beatrice that I have a date on Saturday and can't go to the match. She will have told Remus within five minutes, I'm sure. Beatrice will use any excuse to talk to Remus, she once told me that she finds his scars very erotic. She's a disturbing girl, is Bea.
Algernon has been here for the past hour, curled up in my lap. It's quite nice to have him around for company. I wonder if Potter misses him?
Ah, here's Beatrice. Time to put my plan into action.
Wednesday 26th February
Algernon has been notoriously absent these past few days, so I went and confronted Helena Hodge about him. She swore she didn't know where he was, and Remus, who'd tagged along with me, seemed to think she was telling the truth. I wish people weren't so obsessed with my cat. Also, I'd got quite used to late-night food deliveries, and now I have to wander down to the kitchens myself. Dead annoying. Don't know how I got by before Algernon.
On the upside, his disappearance kept me good and focused on something that wasn't Evans, so I barely stared at her all day. Plus, I had Defense today, and that's always engaging. I fear a little each time I walk into the classroom, but Hallosheth hasn't fallen ill again, thank Merlin.
Today's practice only solidified my belief that we will trounce Hufflepuff on Saturday.
I could really go for some bacon. Damned cat.
---
I have a date with Bernard Chitock on Saturday. Beatrice refused to tell anybody that I was going on a date until I found a date. She says that I could be found out too easily. So I asked Bernard if he wanted to give it another shot after Potions. He seemed very eager, and actually suggested Saturday! I didn't even have to try! Of course, if Bernard was a Hufflepuff there would have been no chance of that happening, but he is ideally placed in Ravenclaw. Slughorn saw me asking him and seemed very pleased about it. I think he likes the idea of two of his Slug Club members dating. Helena Hodge overheard me, too, and actually hugged me during dinner. It was weird.
I just spoke to Beatrice, and she says she will put the story about.
Algernon has been keeping me company since Potter went to Quidditch practice, and he hid under my chair when he and the rest of the team came back. Emily says that Potter accused the rest of the team of being obsessed with his cat, and now everybody is confused and worried about his sanity. Potter hunted around for a while, I assume for his cat, but Algernon stayed well hidden. I don't know what the cat is playing at, but I'm quite happy about it.
Terry Heaney is the only other person in the common room now, apart from me and Algernon. He keeps looking from me to my shoes and then back again. I have my wand ready if he comes near, and Algernon, although he is snoozing peacefully on my knees, does not welcome Heaney's presence either, so I am sure he will attack if needs be. He brought me some bacon from the kitchens and there isn't even any saliva on it because he carried it in a little bag! He must have struck a deal with the house-elves. This bacon is delicious.
Somebody is coming down from Potter's dorm. Bugger.
---
Traitorous cat! All this time I thought someone had stolen him, but really he's taken a shining to the girl I've been ignoring all week. (Note how I cleverly avoided quilling her name.) I was going to go to the kitchens to get some bacon, but in the common room I saw She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named eating some already! And Algernon was with her! The scoundrel! I accused her of stealing him, but as usual, I was wrong. She said he's been following her around of his own accord, and honestly, I can't blame him, but I'm still wounded by his betrayal.
Sirius has just come in to tell me Evans She-Who-Must-etc. has a date. With The Berk. On Saturday. Things cannot get any worse. I hope she marries The Berk, with his stupid useless smelly tongue, and that they move away with Algernon so I'll never have to see the lot of them again.
Not really.
Padfoot's gone off to round up Wormtail and Moony so we can properly thwart this date.
Thursday 27th February
Sirius Black has been calling me She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named all morning. I don't want to know why.
Potter accused me of stealing his cat last night (so much for ignoring me), but I told him, quite truthfully, that Algernon has been following me around all by himself and stalked off. Algernon greeted me outside my dorm door this morning and I told him that he should go back to Potter, and perhaps bring him some bacon. Maybe that will wipe the scowl from his stupid face. He has been storming all over the castle like a Hippogriff with a sore beak all morning, and throwing me angered, evil looks. He got his bloody cat back, what else am I supposed to do? I am continuing to ignore him as planned.
I sat with Bernard at lunch today, ignoring Emily's protests that he is a stupid berk (Who uses the word `berk' anymore?). He was very nice to me, and apologized for his less than gentlemanly behavior at Slughorn's party the other week. He says that he will never do it again without asking first. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was merely a pawn in my attempt to make Potter explode with jealousy. And you know what, diary? It made me feel good and rather vixen-ish. Maybe I was a bitch all along, and never knew.
My feet have been killing me all day, so I asked Remus if he had any other creams besides dittany. He said no, but he used some kind of odd spell on my bare feet and they feel much better now. I noticed Terry Heaney glaring at Remus when he touched my foot. I am now afraid to be in a room alone with Heaney.
I have lost my Astronomy homework and I need to find it before class, which starts in an hour. I think I may have left it in the common room, so I'll go back down.
---
Emily has just told me that Terry Heaney told her that he saw Remus and I in a very compromising position earlier. What??!! That is not true, and even worse, I shall lose my date on Saturday if this gets out. I will kill Terry Heaney!
---
Haha, things are proceeding quite excellently! Wormtail suggested using Terry Heaney in our thwartations, and I have to say, that was a stroke of genius. Two Snitches with one grasp! Moony offered to help She-Who-etc. with her sore feet, and Wormtail sent Heaney downstairs by mentioning that She-Who-etc. had her shoes off, where Heaney encountered Remus and She-Who-etc. in a "compromising position." Obsessive that Heaney is, I expect that this will be all over the school by morning, and will have definitely reached the ears of The Berk
Helena Hodge looked dead pleased with herself during Astronomy. I wouldn't have noticed, except Remus pointed out to me that she was staring at my arse again. Damn it, I thought I had fixed that. Maybe I should really get her to date Wormtail. That would cheer the both of them up, I expect. Better yet, I should have Remus do it. He seems the type to be good at that sort of thing.
One more practice before the match! I've got out my practice Snitch to hone my reflexes. Not that they really need it.
Algernon has returned to me, but I am refusing his advances to teach him a lesson.
---
Cat has just brought me treacle tart. All is forgiven.
Friday 28th February
Bernard Chitock kissed me today.
Actually, he cornered me outside Charms and asked me what the deal was with me and Remus Lupin. I explained to him that Remus was merely casting a spell on my sore feet and that Terry Heaney, being the insane foot-lover that he is, got the wrong end of the shoe. This mollified Bernard, and he became quite friendly afterwards. I didn't want him to kiss me, but as Potter was watching us very closely at the time I thought that it would be beneficial to allow him. At least he didn't use his tongue, and he asked this time.
Helena Hodge saw the kiss, too, and has now started offering to carry my books and bring me food. I am sorely tempted to let her, because Algernon used to be my food-bearer but he has gone back to Potter, and I now have nobody. I did offer Helena some friendly advice, though. I told her that the best way to make Potter fall for her is to follow him around at all times and ask him the rules of Quidditch. There's nothing Potter hates more than somebody who doesn't understand Quidditch, and that's something I know for a fact. Also, she should tell him that she thinks that bacon is vile, because he'll just love that.
Speaking of Potter, I saw him messing around with that Snitch earlier. He looked quite handsome. Very handsome. So handsome, in fact, that I forgot to not fall for him all over again. I wish I could have just told him straight that I like him, but I might as well keep on with what I'm doing.
Terry Heaney attacked Remus in the Great Hall today, and I'll say this for Remus, he sure does know how to fight back. Beatrice said at dinner that she's had to fan herself every twenty seconds ever since. I'm getting rather sick of listening to Beatrice go on about how she wishes Remus Lupin could fulfill her sexual fantasies. It's especially unfair that she said it while she was sitting beside poor Karl Pilkerson, who has been her boyfriend since third year.
I don't think Karl noticed, though. He was trying to handle his knife and fork and eat his dinner without using his thumbs.
---
If it weren't for the Quidditch match tomorrow, I might off myself right here and now.
One, She-Who-etc. was snogging The Berk in the corridor today.
Two, Helena Hodge could not possibly be any more annoying.
Three, the plan backfired and resulted in Heaney trying to kill Remus.
All right, so that last one doesn't make me want to off myself, but it's still unpleasant.
At least my reflexes are as sharp as ever. And it'll cheer me up to see Bertram Aubrey tremble in fear tomorrow. All the same, I've written out my will for after I kill myself tomorrow afternoon.
The Last Will and Testament of James Lancelot Potter:
To my best mate, Sirius Black, I leave my Invisibility Cloak, so as to aid in all future conquests. Pull one on Snivellus for me.
To Remus Lupin, I leave the Marauder's Map. It's not technically mine, but I have it now, and I want you to be in charge of it. I don't trust the other two not to lose it.
To Peter Pettigrew, I leave my cat so that he might always have easy access to food.
The rest of my belongings may be fought over at will, including my broomstick, my Snitch, and my favorite quill, should the latter ever turn up. I expect there will be much dueling over these precious objects.
Oh, and to She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I leave my shoes, so that she might hide her feet from that pervert Terry Heaney. I always loved you. Evans, not Heaney. I hope you choke on a fish bone and die.
I plan to hide it under my pillow tomorrow morning, win the Quidditch match in a blaze of glory, and then die tragically, yet handsomely. Haven't decided how yet, but I expect I'll come up with something.
Saturday 1st March
Today was one of the strangest days I've suffered through, in recent memory. Bernard brought me to the fucking Quidditch match for our date. I could have killed him, especially since I stood out like a sore thumb amongst the Ravenclaws, who were all wearing their blue scarves, whilst I was wearing red. The one good thing about this was that I saw rather a lot of Potter, who spent a lot of the match near the Ravenclaw stands, for some reason. I suppose it's a tactical thing. Bernard soon fell out of my favor by trying to snog me again, but he was hit in the head by a Quaffle as he leaned in with his mouth hanging open like he was trying to catch flies. He still has green lumps on his tongue. Whoever hit him with it really needs to work on their aim. I didn't get to see who it was, as all six of the Chasers were in the immediate area when I looked up. I don't mind admitting that I clapped and cheered for whoever it was. Bernard went to the Hospital Wing after that. Serves him right.
The worst thing was that after the match, when we had won and I ran out on the pitch to congratulate Emily, I accidentally managed to hug Potter. Actually, it was completely intentional, but I think that if I keep insisting that I didn't mean to do it, I might end up believing my own lie. Like psycho killers do. Anyway, I hugged him, and I am quite hurt to admit that he didn't hug me back. He just stood there. He has paid no other attention to me all day, apart from during dinner, when he kept grabbing the plates of fish and moving them away from me whenever I reached for them. Maybe he got hit in the head with a Quaffle, too.
I still have a burn on my arm from where Helena Hodge hit me after the match. She should be locked away. Happily, Karl Pilkerson has been distracting Terry Heaney from me by asking him questions about his family. It turns out that Terry comes from a long line of cobblers. How odd.
I think I will leave now, as Potter has just entered the common room with his friends, loaded down with goodies from the kitchens.
Oh, and I Apparated three times today! Potter still can't do it even though all of his friends can! Justice!
---
Decided not to kill myself. Today was the happiest day of my life. More later.
---
She hugged me! She kept repeating she hadn't meant it, that she'd meant to hug Emily Wood, but Wood was yards away. The last time I had contact like this with her was when she'd got into that brawl with Helena Hodge. She was as lovely as ever. I was quite overcome with joy, but then I remembered my plan to off myself. I suddenly became quite paranoid that someone had discovered my will hidden under my pillow, and would show her the part where I hoped she died via fishbone. My shock prevented me from hugging her back, but I admit it was also partially because I feared if I grabbed her I'd never let go. This one moment, however, made me hopeful enough for my future that I decided not to off myself. I'd cleverly planned to leap from my Cirrus and crash into the ground after the match, but as is quite plain, I opted out of that.
Quidditch match was brill - we're well in the lead for the Cup now. Needless to say, we won, 430 to 120. Bertram Aubrey was well off his game as soon as he saw me. I laughed. Game would've been better, maybe, if Evans hadn't showed up with The Berk. Even with me distracted by Evans's radiance, I was still the best player on the pitch by far. Perhaps Evans is my lucky charm. I shall have to force her to go to every match from now on, for sure, and this will have the added bonus of keeping her away from green-tongued fiends like The Berk. On one of my few passes over the Ravenclaw stands I caught glimpse of him leaning in to snog her. I couldn't allow this to happen, so I looked at Wood and jerked my head at the pair. She cottoned on right quick and threw the Quaffle right at The Berk's head. Hah! Wood and I agree that The Berk is, well, a stupid berk, and that Evans can do much better (although I've yet to convince Wood I'm the one for Evans, I'm sure I'll succeed in time).
The now ever-present and ever-dreadful Helena Hodge had the nerve to attack Evans from behind after the game. She meant to send more hexes, but I surreptitiously turned her into a goat. Apparently, though, I need to work on my stealth skills, as I have detention next week with Weber. Bad, but not the worst, and well worth it.
I have burned up my will. Good thing, too, as I forgot to leave Algernon anything. I'd hate to see what he'd do to my tombstone if he knew I'd left him nothing at all, not even that squeaky toy he likes so much.
Sunday 2nd March
Remus says that he is quite worried about Potter. Apparently he found a will underneath Potter's pillow yesterday morning. In it, Potter apparently left me his shoes, proclaimed his love for me and then announced that he wanted me to die. I don't believe Remus, especially as he can't find the will today and prove it. Did Terry's attack addle his brains? I don't want to think about Potter anyway, I am still humiliated about the hugging, or lack of hugging, that went on yesterday, and even worse than that, Emily fired a trip-jinx at me today and sent me flying into his lovely-smelling self. We toppled right into a suit of armor and I ended up trapped beneath him (Potter, not the armor, which Potter was technically trapped beneath). I was kind of hoping that he'd kiss me or something, and I may have unconsciously moved my head towards his a bit, but I was brought to my senses by Helena Hodge (she has been turned back from a goat, but she still has hair growing from her ears) who saw us, burst into tears and shoved poor, unsuspecting Davey Gudgeon at the window for no reason. If it hadn't been for Remus and his quick wandwork, I'm sure that Davey would have crashed right through it and fallen to his death. Beatrice has been bleating in my ear about it ever since.
Honestly, if I were Karl Pilkerson, I would be really upset, but Karl is not bothered. He was watching a beetle crawl around the common room today and didn't seem to be interested in much else. He asked Beatrice if she thought that beetles had pension schemes but she said that she had to go and write a letter to her parents, the old excuse. She merely crossed the room and sat down beside Remus with a flutter of her eyelashes and I don't think that Karl even noticed.
Here is Algernon! With a bar of Honeyduke's chocolate for me! I honestly love this cat.
Sirius Black just walked up to me, pointed at my spiffing new quill and said, "Thief!" I don't understand why, it's not like I stole this from Helena Hodge, I found it under her chair. Bleh.
---
Every time I think I'm one step closer to being with Lily Evans, something happens that forces me to hate her. Today, by some miracle, we were both entrapped under a suit of armor. Luckily Helena saw, and I'm hoping this will put her well off me. Evans kept fidgeting about underneath me, which was dead sexy, but by yet another miracle I persevered and kept my wits about me. The first thing you do with your mouth is ask, after all, and it didn't seem the moment to ask if I could kiss her, what with everyone and Davey Gudgeon standing about. That poor bloke needs to learn to tie his shoes properly. He nearly fell out the window, and he was so grateful to Remus that he gave him a large stash of chocolate. Moony has unknowingly decided to share this with me. Anyway, I was grinning all day after the incident with Evans, but Padfoot has just informed me she has my favorite quill. After all we've been through, and she resorts to common thievery! This has put me well off her, probably for the next few days. She'd best give it right back.
Moony was giving me strange looks all morning. I swore I saw him rummaging about my bed this morning. I blame the upcoming full moon. He always gets barmy this time of month.
Algernon stole my bar of Honeydukes! Stupid cat. He doesn't even have thumbs, so I've no idea how he's planning to eat it.
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