Monday 24th March
Another Birthday Wish from Dad this morning. I asked for another chocolate bar. I would've asked for something else were I not so depressed about last night. Padfoot and I were interrupted mid-plotting by Evans, who had the gall to run into us. Long story short, she got my hopes up and then dashed them away again by throwing her flirtations with The Rat in my face. Web of temptation, indeed. It only strengthened my resolve to move on with the plan.
Of course, life was against me. I tried to track down Winifred Barnes after Charms, but she was nowhere to be found. I asked some of her friends, but none of them would tell me where she was. Dead strange. I poked my head into the Hospital Wing, but she wasn't there, either. She even missed dinner! My Remus voice said I should give up, but then Sirius came up behind me and said we should find another girl. I've made another list, one I will not hand over to Sirius.
The New and Improved List of Replacement Evans:
Maxine Goodwin - Two years younger, but does have ginger hair, even if it is too orange.
Isabella Marks - Plays Quidditch for Hufflepuff, older. Has weird knees.
Donna Pickford - Plays Quidditch for Ravenclaw, but as Beater, might be stronger than I am.
I despair of finding a Replacement Evans by my birthday.
Edwin Edwards has finally been convinced to do his Divination assignment. Thank Merlin for Eira Hubbard, although I pity her. I would never stick my tongue down his throat. I'd be too afraid of choking to death on his absurdly long tongue. Now that'd be a way to die.
Tuesday 25th March
I spent some time with Emily and Rob today, in between classes. I am beginning to tire of always being around Beatrice and Karl. I think that Emily may have regretted my presence and I know I did. She doesn't get much time alone with Rob, due to their differing houses. They're a very nice couple, far less fucked up than Beatrice and her boyfriend. Karl has been going on about the giant squid lately. He wants to know what its hobbies are and if it can speak.
Somebody was throwing quill nibs at me in Herbology again. I thought I saw Potter chucking them at one point. Why on earth is he suddenly so annoyed with me? I hope he doesn't think I like Remus. I was sitting with him and Peter yesterday and Potter kept glaring at us. Shit, shit, shit. Although it may have been Helena. I think she suspects something. It was mean of Beatrice to hex her eyelids shut today, though. And she could have done without the crusty warts.
Potter,
Giving you this letter instead of talking to you face to face is not very Gryffindor-ish of me, but perhaps you can understand why, given the past few weeks. The thing is, I really, really fancy you and I hope that you still like me. And that maybe we could, you know, do more of what we did outside Charms the other week on a more regular basis.
I swear on Merlin himself that this isn't a joke. I am completely serious.
Lily Evans
P.s. If you are having trouble making up your mind, I should just remind you that I can put my legs over my head. How many girls do you know who can do that, hmm?
That is the best it's going to get, I think. I'll copy it out again, and perhaps change the `Potter' at the top to `James.'
Edwin Edwards and Eira Hubbard are snogging in the corner. Eurgh. I could never let Edwin Edwards put his absurdly long tongue in my mouth, I'd be afraid of choking.
---
I would be utterly lost without Sirius Black. Today we debated Camelia Pinkstone versus Bonnie Grogan versus Isabella Marks, and Bonnie Grogan came out the winner. I confronted her before Herbology, but she didn't seem keen on it. I think she may know of my history with Evans, and therefore understand that she is a Replacement. Sirius then pointed out that Isabella Marks likely has no idea of my motivation, so tomorrow night I'll drop by the Hufflepuff common room on the way to the extra Chaser practice. (I'm hoping the sight of me in my gear will be enough to woo her, as I used up all my best lines on Evans.) I'm dead glad Austine Kempton is leaving next year. She's a good Chaser, but she's far too bossy considering she's not captain.
These past couple of days Remus has been content to let me and Sirius alone, but today he told us during dinner that he wanted to know what we were up to. I didn't want to lie to him, so I walked away under the pretense of going to the loo. Remus is clever, though, and I probably didn't fool him. I really just have to avoid him until I've got a girlfriend, as then it will be too late for him to do anything.
I hope The Rat falls down the stairs and dies. He was scurrying about the common room today alone. If life is fair, which it isn't, Evans will have broken his heart by leaving him for the Giant Squid.
Algernon's abilities are improving. I asked for some fudge and he brought it straight away. I like to imagine this is his way of wishing me a happy birthday.
Wednesday 26th March
I'm now dating Isabella Marks. It wasn't hard, really, probably because I look so dashing when I'm playing Quidditch. Sirius accompanied me to the Hufflepuff common room under the Cloak for moral support. Awkwardly, Bonnie Grogan was the one to let me in. I got away as quick as possible, but it was worth it because I now have a Replacement Evans. Isabella and I didn't get to chat much, as I had to run off to practice, but I've just come up to shower and change before running back down to meet her. This is a huge load off my shoulders. Now I can stop obsessing over Evans, and I can start speaking to The Rat and Remus again. Plus, I've made my deadline!
It has just occurred to me that Isabella will not have a present for me tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll ask her for a good snog because she does not need to go to Hogsmeade for that.
---
Potter is in his dorm, so I can't put the letter up there until he leaves. That way, I'll know what he thinks tomorrow. I've amended the letter so that it also wishes him a happy birthday.
Helena Hodge was crying today in the girls' bathrooms. I thought that it was Myrtle at first, but I saw that it was her when I went to investigate. She wasn't happy to see me at all. In fact, she tried to remove my nose, but once I subdued her, I managed to get out of her that (like I expected) she thought that I was having an illicit affair with Peter. I'm ashamed to say it, diary, but I took pity on her and promised her that I wasn't. She talked to me for a while, and I eventually got her to agree that it was unfair and unkind of her to use Peter for information on James Potter.
To cut a long story short, diary, Helena Hodge has started to fall for Peter Pettigrew. She really doesn't want to lose him. She has even promised to stop talking about Potter if he doesn't break up with her. I told Peter, and he was delighted! Huzzah! So our plan can cease. The last I saw of them, they were walking hand in hand towards the grounds. Peter says that he can't wait to tell James, he says that he will be delighted to have finally lost his stalker.
Speaking of James, I couldn't think of what to get him for his birthday, so I'm going to leave him a packet of fudge with the letter, along with a written promise to get him whatever he wants once he's made up his mind (within reason).
Professor Slughorn indicated another Slug Club party in Potions today. He also made vague references to some kind of competition that will be happening after the Easter holidays. I hope it's not another one of his `win a box of crystallized pineapple' theory quizzes, because I've won four of those and they always look half-empty.
Potter just left his dorm with Black. Remus may be up there but it's not like he'll be bothered. Here I go!
---
I've made a huge mistake. Have spoken quickly to Remus about it, turns out I am the world's biggest fool. Crap crap crap. Who knew Evans could put her legs over her head? Am utterly confused, must sleep on it.
I wish Remus had let Algernon eat the note.
Thursday 27th March
I've been in the common room since seven in the morning because I could not sleep. I don't know why I'm so nervous about James Potter of all people. I hope Algernon didn't eat the letter or anything. Everybody is being strange with me. Peter came down about ten minutes ago and dashed off, presumably to look for Helena Hodge. And Remus is over by the fireplace, but he is determinedly avoiding my eye. I know that everybody does not consist of Remus and Peter, but they are some of the few people who matter right now.
Crap, I bet Potter isn't interested. You are the world's biggest idiot, Evans.
I HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW! Sirius just came down the stairs and started imploring all of the girls in the common room to line up, because apparently he is going to surprise Potter with seventeen birthday kisses. I must es- Potter is here! I'm making a run for it!
---
I hate Potter. I despise Potter. At the next available chance, I am going to club Potter over the head. I am going to remove his eyeballs. I am going to kick him so hard in the crotch that he and Isabella will never, EVER be able to procreate. I am going to push him off of the Astronomy Tower tonight. I am going to shave his hair off and post it to the Queen. I hope he chokes on the fudge. I hope Algernon gives him rabies. I hope he falls off his stupid broom during the next Quidditch match. I hope that he gets trampled to death by a horde of angry elephants. I hope that a dove flies down his throat and removes his trachea. I hope his toes fall off. All in all, and more than anything, I sincerely hope that when Potter dies, I am around to witness it.
I'm going up to my dorm. I don't want to talk to anyone right now, not even Emily.
---
I want to die. Suicide plan is on stand-by.
I couldn't sleep last night, perplexed as I was, so around three I woke up the other Marauders, even Peter, whom I have since forgiven because it turns out it was all a ruse. Remus knew, too, the… well, I don't know. Everything's a bloody mess. After an hour's worth of discussion they all concluded it was my choice whether or not to proceed with Isabella or to ditch her for Evans. Friends are useless sometimes. Before heading back to bed, Sirius whispered in my ear that he thought I should pick Isabella. Then Remus came over and said I should forget anything Sirius said. Then Peter gave me a bar of chocolate, which was probably the best advice all evening.
On the way to breakfast I still had no clue what to do, and stupid Sirius tried to make me feel better by manhandling all the girls in Gryffindor to line-up to kiss me. I refused all of them, as the one girl I wanted wasn't there. Once I'd escaped that horror, things only got worse. Isabella was waiting for me in the Great Hall, and her hello was a forceful-but-nice-and-passionate morning snog. It was quite enjoyable, I just wish I hadn't been so depressed. I also wish Evans hadn't seen it, as that made my decision for me. (Plus, Isabella really should have asked first. It's only good form.)
I didn't want to lose both girls, so I let Isabella sit next to me while I opened my gifts. I can't really remember what I got - the whole morning's hazy, hazy with my guilt and melancholy. Evans skipped all her morning classes, so I skived off Arithmancy to find her. I don't know what I was thinking, really. I found her via the Map in the Owlery, but as soon as she saw me she was shouting at me to get out. I tried to shout over her voice that I was sorry, and that I'd get rid of Isabella if she really wanted me to, but I doubt she heard me.
Even Algernon hates me. I've no idea where he is. I'm alone, miserable, and I'll get a detention for missing class.
Happy birthday to me.
Friday 28th March
I'm just back from Astronomy. Ten minutes early. I'm ten minutes early because I started crying like an idiot and had to leave, feigning illness. Bear in mind, diary, that I haven't cried for many, many months before this. I am Lily Evans. Lily Evans does not cry, she stands up for herself and seeks revenge. Which is what I will do, as soon as I've gotten some sleep.
I hate that Potter saw me crying, I think it's quite possibly the worst thing that happened to me all day. The good thing was that Beatrice walloped him over the head with her telescope as hard as she could before I left and made him cry, too. Serves him right for making stupid puppy dog eyes at me over his map of Venus's moons.
I'm sure that he and his friends had a great laugh over the letter last night. I'm not talking to any of them, not even Remus.
---
Algernon returned with more haggis last night when I asked for some bacon to cheer me up. He must sense my desire to move on to the next world. Today was almost as bad as yesterday. At least today I didn't make Evans cry. Beatrice hit me, quite rightly, and I refuse to let anyone heal it. I deserve it. I could've gone forever without seeing Evans cry, especially because I made her do it.
I was not aware how into public affection Isabella was before today. I thought yesterday was a special event, considering it was my birthday and we'd been dating for all of twelve hours, but oh, how I was wrong. And how foolish! Luckily I was able to break away from her to go to Quidditch, and there's no way she could follow me there. I even brought up extending practice for a couple of hours. No one was interested, likely because it's Friday.
Have written an owl to Mum telling her I'm coming back for Easter hols. I couldn't stand to be here for two weeks with Isabella and see Evans moping about.
I'm dead depressed, but I have to say, snogging Isabella has a mild cheering effect because she's quite talented with her tongue. She also has some very good points about the Tornadoes's Seeker. Something positive about this, at least, but overall it is a very negative situation.
In case I do die from the haggis: `I'm sorry, Evans.'
Saturday 29th March
Potter has spent the last two days rubbing it in my face that he prefers Isabella Marks to me. He has, diary, the perfect right to turn me down and maybe he even should have, considering some of the things I've said to him in the past, but what he's doing now is worse than any insult I've ever thrown at him. He is just constantly snogging her, right in front of me. Sirius Black finds the whole thing hilarious, he keep snickering and shooting looks at me.
Potter cornered earlier me when I left the bathroom and tried to start a conversation about something, but then his pricky little girlfriend came over and mutilated his stupid ugly face again, so I left. Not that I would have listened to him anyway, but I had been about to hex him into oblivion.
Emily and Bea keep saying that I should hold my head up and pretend that I'm not bothered about it, but I don't see why I should. Potter knew for a long time how I felt about him, he let me kiss him twice, he flirted with me and he bloody well snogged me outside Charms! In short, he led me on and he is fully aware of it. So I'm not going to pretend that I'm not hurt, because I have been. And I told Remus as much too, when he tried to talk to me. He could have told me that Potter was going to ask Isabella out, Peter could have told me, but they didn't.
Beatrice is being wonderful about this, as is Emily. They have both ceased talking to any of Potter's friends, and Emily is rebelling against him during Quidditch practice. She's not trying to injure him or anything, but she's not listening to a word he says and that's a blow to him, because she's his best player (She is!). And Karl! Karl is being magnificent. His insane theories and statements are a welcome distraction lately. Also, he agreed with me that I shouldn't go around pretending to be happy and carefree. As he says, `If you're sad, be sad, yeah?'
Potter has just entered the common room, and therefore, I'm leaving.
---
Leaving tomorrow for hols. Thank Merlin, is all I can say.
Wormtail, whom I might point out apparently has the best luck with women of the lot of us, asked why I didn't just break up with Isabella. I tried to explain, but I couldn't. I don't know why I haven't, or why I feel I won't for a bit. Maybe I'm still testing out Sirius's theory? Peter might have a point, though. I chatted with Sirius about it, and he pointed out quite accurately that even if I did break up with Isabella, Evans wouldn't have me now. Remus couldn't help but join in the conversation from his bed, and he said it would at least help my future chances. He seemed more irritated by my relationship with Isabella than I'd have thought.
Oh no, Nick Crabtree has just brought me news that Isabella's at the common room entrance asking for me. Probably wants to say good-bye. If it weren't for Evans, I would gladly date Isabella. Too bad I can't have them both.
All right, so I want Evans. Isabella is exactly what I wanted her to be, but more so than I signed up for.
I wonder if we have any poison at home.
`I'm dead sorry.'
No. I am not going out on a pun.
---
Wormtail has just brought up the fact that full moon is this week. I'll be at home! Double damn. Moony said he'd be all right with Padfoot and Wormtail, and that he won't mind so long as I come back with a thoughtful, intelligent plan of action.
I'm bringing Evans's letter home with me. No clue what I'm going to do.
Sunday 30th March
Potter left for the Easter holidays today. I had no idea that he was leaving until I saw him come down to the common room at seven in the morning with his trunk packed. It was awkward, because I was on my own, practically. There were a few younger students there, but his friends and my friends weren't. I wanted to not say anything, but I really couldn't help it. I was dignified, at least, even if I did humiliate myself again. I merely said that I didn't understand why he felt the need to be so horrible to me when he knew how much I had liked him. I placed emphasis on the fact that I used to like him, which I don't anymore. Except I do.
Beatrice thinks that I was a fool. She says that I should have turned him into a garden rake and stuck the rake down Isabella's throat. But diary, it's not Isabella's fault, is it? Beatrice says that she's going to find me a new man who is ten times better than Potter. It wouldn't be hard to find one, but I think I'd be happier on my own. Beatrice is like a brick wall, however, so I might as well have been agreeing with her for all she cares.
I have forgiven Remus (after he swore on his life that he didn't know anything about Potter's plan to ask Isabella out), on the condition that he doesn't mention Potter to me over the Easter holidays at all. Peter still hasn't said anything, but I have technically forgiven him as Remus said that he also didn't know. They're nice boys. I honestly have no idea why Remus does not have a girlfriend. The girls in this school are crazy if they aren't interested in him. Maybe I should try to find somebody with whom to match Remus. It could distract me from Potter.
Girls for Remus
Bonnie Grogan - I have been told that she likes him. Maybe?
Donna Pickford - No, she's too freakishly strong.
Greta Catchlove - She smells of cheese, and I know Remus doesn't like cheese. Definite no.
Camelia Pinkstone - I like her pink hair, but maybe she's a bit too wild for Remus?
Beatrice - No!
Emily - Taken.
Me - It would be perfect if I wasn't in love with Potter. But I insist upon liking the wrong people. Poor me.
---
Evans spoke to me today. I couldn't think of anything to say other than I'm sorry, but if I said that I would've had to explain everything, and she wouldn't believe me. She also implied she no longer cares for me. Maybe I will stay with Isabella. I do like her, and she's never broken my heart or toyed with my emotions.
Mum was thrilled to have me home. Dad was happy because he said he liked having another man in the house. I told him how much I love my watch, as I realized I'd forgot to send him a thank-you owl in all the kerfuffle about Evans. It belonged to my grandfather. I miss him.
It's been less than a day and I already miss my mates. (Can't believe I'm missing full moon.) All I have is Algernon, and Mum refuses to let him muck about in the kitchen. No more bacon deliveries, and now I'll have to go search for poison on my own. My life is shit.
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