Unofficial Portkey Archive

What is Love?

A/N: This chapter's rating goes up, just thought I'd let you know beforehand cause I know how sensitive some tend to be in regards of these things. If you want the cut scene, write to me and I'll send it. Happy reading!

CHAPTER IX

Will it ever be over?

Would you mind if I hurt you?

Understand that I need to

Wish that I had other choices

Than to harm the one I love

What have you one now?

(.- What have you done by Within temptation)

2004 - Grimmauld Place, London

A tearing inferno was going on inside her; she saw faces come and go. Happy faces, angry faces, hurt, sad, pained, proud, guilty… and all those faces had names: Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasley.

She opened her eyes with a gasp and found herself in a room that seemed vaguely familiar, and a very familiar tee soaked in sweat. She focused her eyes and her head started thumping fiercely, she moaned and closed her eyes again, willing the ground to stop spinning.

A moment later, a pair of green eyes came into the room with a mug in hand and her heart soared. She was feeling dizzy and light headed, and for a second there, she was lost in that sight.

"Got me Lemon Green Tea?" she asked with a smile.

Harry looked up at the voice and his eyes widened in surprise. He so wanted to follow that fantasy, but a part of him was still shattered from so many years ago. He frowned. "Glad you're awake," he said dryly and gave her the mug full. "Drink it, it'll make you come back."

She stared at him in surprise. "Why are you upset about, Green Beast?" she asked seductively as she took the mug.

Harry froze for a moment. Had she just used his given sexual games name? She must be really burning up, he thought, knowing this wasn't real. "Drink it," he just said.

Frowning, she drank it and felt as if she swallowed ice. She felt it running down her throat and freezing it all, as reality struck in. Her eyes widened and she had no words.

"Feeling better yet?" he said moodily.

"Uhm… yes, thank you." She tried to play it cool.

"You were bloody mental staying out there all night. If you needed a place to crash, you could've asked, you know Tonks and Remus would've let you anyway."

Tonks and Remus, he had said. Not him, not Lariana. "I guess you went along with that madness then," she stated, more than asked.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Harry felt his temper starting to rise. "Excuse me for seeking happiness after you. And if you must know, no," he said rather flatly.

"I needed my story," Hermione changed the subject, hiding the relief at his words.

"So you camp at the door of every person that won't give you an interview until they feel sorry for you and decide to talk to you? So that's the secret to the success of grand Hermione Granger, star journalist for The Daily Prophet," Harry stated sarcastically.

Hermione tried to ignore this. "No, actually, only in the doors of the ones that are complete jerks for seven years straight." She narrowed her eyes at him.

Any politeness and distance he was trying to put up between them was quickly vanishing. "Even so, it was stupid to stand there under the rain," he said with a tense voice.

"You would have a lot of experience down in that field, wouldn't you?" She finished her mug, thinking maybe she was pushing this too far.

This was it, he was losing it very quickly and there was no turning back. "Excuse me? I think cheating on a faithful boyfriend counts on the top ten of stupid things to do. And you climb at least three positions when adding that the affair was the boyfriend's best friend!" he almost yelled and threw his own mug to the wall, starting to walk out of the room.

"Oh, no! You're not doing that again, Harry Potter!" she yelled back and with a swift motion, she had her wand in hand and was already sitting straight on the bed. She waved it and the door slammed shut before Harry could get out.

He stopped and closed his eyes, doing his best not to lose it, but he feared it was already too late for that. The lion had been released and there was no turning back now. He turned around and spoke in a low voice. "Hermione Granger, you've got the losing cards here," he warned.

"I do, do I?" she inquired as she released the leashes that held her own lion.

"Actually, you do. You want me to make a list?" Harry said, all his anger bottled in a few cold, very calculated words, hitting exactly in the right spots.

"I believe my list is shorter but much intense." Hermione stood, her voice even and calm but full of rage.

"Let's see, shall we? Cheating, breaking a heart over and over again,' he put down a finger with each thing he said and his voice grew louder with every syllable. "Running away with my best friend and turning him into my worst enemy!" He yelled the last two words as he strode to her while speaking.

"Maybe you should've seen that coming, Mr. Almighty! If you had even used me as more than a sexual object and a receptionist of all your rubbish the last two months, maybe you'd have seen that your best friend was actually the one holding me when I cried over my parents for one!"

"I was trying to get things for us! I was trying to track down the bitch, I was trying to know what was going on so I could finally end it!" He gestured wildly with his hands and pointed somewhere in the wall -outside, probably- as he yelled.

"What for, huh? So that you could beat the shit out of her because she killed your godfather!? You knew you would get to her eventually, but NO! You had to obsess over it and throw everything away, didn't you?"

"She could've come after you! Or Ron for that matter! And I wasn't-."

"And I wasn't about to let that happen? Oh get a new lame excuse Harry; I've heard it all before! We could take care of ourselves; we didn't need great grand Boy-who-lived to make a safer world for us!"

"So you expected me to just sit and wait while he took you down one by one, did you?"

"Didn't it occur to you that maybe what we needed was for you to be there with us? That in the end it would've come inevitably and you didn't need to rush it but enjoy whatever time of peace we had left? No it didn't. You had to run for it by yourself and leave us all behind!"

She took some steps towards him, her long and slender legs making a perfect rhythm with the way her hips moved as she walked. Harry's eyes scanned her from head to toe. The fact that she was drenched with sweat made the t-shirt stick tightly to her body, her curved waist, her champagne-cup sized breasts. The fact that she was angry and that she had just come out from the warm bed made her nipples stand, and Harry felt the itching between his thighs again.

His anger faltered a moment because of lust, but then it came back and he continued. "Y- You wouldn't want to come when I told you to!"

"Maybe we tried to tell you to relax and deal with it when it came. But you would always take it the wrong way," Hermione snapped, leaving Harry open mouthed.

After a moment, he seemed to have regained the ability to speak. "But that doesn't take away the fact that you decided to cut me away from you and leave me, does it?"

"That is so not the point."

"It is the whole point of this stupid war between us! A war that has extended way too long if you ask me," Harry replied finally with a tired tone she hadn't heard in so long.

Hermione sagged at this and took a step closer to him, the man she had loved and hated so passionately for what felt like all of her life. "You pushed us away Harry, you shut me out of your life and made it your quest, which took it all from us! I was supposed to be your girlfriend, I was supposed to be your best friend, and all of a sudden you became this-" she gestured with her hand, looking for a word, "-being that was completely foreign for me and him too."

"Hermione, I-" Harry seemed to be seeking in the deepest of his being for a word to describe it all; finally his face fell and he looked down. "I was afraid."

She studied him carefully and all the anger she might've been feeling vanished slowly at seeing his eyes so naked from honesty. "I know you were, you'd told me that. But do you remember what we said that day?"

Harry looked up at her, "that no matter what, we would always be there for each other and we would go through everything together. I remember it as if it'd been yesterday, it was the happiest-" he stopped all of a sudden, realizing what he'd been about to say.

An internal fight was taking place inside him. They were adults now, talking about the events so many years ago, but he still couldn't help the bittersweet sensation of having her in front of him right now.

Hermione got the clue and a small hope rose inside her chest. When she realized it, she smiled to herself. Here's the answer you've been looking for. It only took you a ten minute talk with him. You never stopped loving him.

She snapped back to reality and moved along with the conversation, ignoring what he'd been about to say. "That's exactly it. And you did the precise opposite. Plus, you got all sucked up and it seemed that we were suddenly not enough to be worth spending your time with."

Despite the words, her voice wasn't as accusing anymore. She continued, "you would rather be out there signing autographs, or negotiating some new acquisition in exchange of something to do with your name. You became someone else until you saw us, and then- then it was too late."

Harry looked away and seemed to be pondering several things at the moment. Hermione examined him, having absolutely no idea how he would react. He had certainly changed these past years and it hurt like hell to know she didn't know this new facet of her Harry.

After what felt like forever, he looked at her with intense emerald-green eyes. "Hermione, even when I was too dumb to see it, the first time that I saw you, I saw love. And then, when you were finally mine; the first time that I touched you, I felt that love," he said with utter honesty etched all over his face.

He came closer to her and they were face to face; even now it felt so familiar and perfect to have him so close; he continued to talk and she just stared at him. "It went so deep that it was my route, the one I would always come back to. I- I practically had to reinvent myself after what you did. I didn't know how to even be Harry without you!"

He grabbed her gently by the shoulders while saying the last phrase, his eyes intensely set on her as they started to get over-bright. "It wasn't fair what you decided. It wasn't fair to say that one day you would trade me for my best friend and leave me with nothing!" He let go of her and stepped away. When he looked up to speak again, he was interrupted.

"And, Harry, was it fair to take me for granted? To think I would always be there? That you could take me when you needed someone, and then throw me back to my corner for the next time?" she almost yelled as a tear made its way down her perfect cheek. But they were not angry yells, they were deeply hurt yells, one that cried she had needed him so bad back then and he had just forgotten that she had feelings.

"That's not what I-," Harry started but sagged at the lack of a valid argument. "I never stopped loving you Hermione, you know that. You were almost the only thing that kept me going through those last years, and all of a sudden you took it all away! I had naively thought more than once that we could make it work again, but now-" he shook his head. "Now I fear it might be too late for that… there has been too much damage done."

Hermione darted to him and put her hands over his chest. "No Harry! It is not! We could, if we wanted!" She knew this wasn't what she'd usually do in front of anyone, but it was Harry right here, right now and whatever flame or hope he- they might've had was pending from a thread.

Instinctively, he put his arms around her and looked down into her big brown eyes. "I don't know what to say Hermione." He wanted to hold her, to tell her how much he loved her, to make love to her like he had never done… but apparently his mind wouldn't forgive her.

When she felt his strong arms wrap around her she shivered and warmth invaded her. Her fingertips recognized every inch of his body without even touching it completely. It just felt as if it was a puzzle whose pieces were falling in together again. "We can try and give it a chance…" she said barely audible.

His hands rubbed her back and he rested his head on hers for a moment. After a while, he sighed and looked down at her, taking her face in his hands gently. "Hermione, you hurt me real bad, you know it's true."

She moistened her lips and looked into his intense green eyes. "So did you, Harry," she whispered, their faces inches from the others'. "But, can't we get past it?"

"I… don't… know…" he leaned closer, driven by the habit and a crazy desire for her; all of her.

She barely heard his last words, she was concentrated in the situation at hand; his face coming closer and his warm breath surrounding her, hypnotizing her. Before she knew, they were passionately kissing, as if they hadn't touched the other in forever… which they hadn't.

His hands wrapped themselves desperately around her, like a cat grasping for a branch in hopes to save his life from an unending hole of darkness. One hand cupped the back of her head, and the other one was strongly encircling her waist, stroking her sides gently.

She pushed herself as close to Harry as she possibly could, wanting to become one with him. Oh, how badly she wanted to make love to him! Feel his whole body against hers, breath in his scent, always so natural and wonderful. Her arms were around his neck and she had no way of controlling herself… nor she wanted to find one in spite of their `slightly bumpy' relationship in the past.

Harry stumbled backwards under her weight and they fell back to the bed. None seemed to care too much; as a matter of fact it had suited them perfectly because otherwise they wouldn't have found their way to lie down and continue. He stroked her breasts over the half pulled out tee as his lips trailed from her cheek, to her mouth, down her neck and then to work on her belly button and up to her breasts and slightly freckled chest again. He knew every single freckle her bare chest had; he had counted them so many times in such wonderful moments, moments that he was remembering now.

Hermione didn't know in what moment, she had managed to get his black t-shirt off of him and at the same time, watch her bra fly across the room until it hit the desk and knocked down the small lamp that stood there.

This all seemed like a dream to him; he had dreamt of this so many times… But this was definitely better than the dream… ten thousand times better. He managed to get her underpants out just in time to meet her sensuality in its entire splendor.

She was starting to remember that feeling, of extreme pleasure and tiredness at the same time. She remembered how she had never felt like that with any of her lovers; not Jack, not Evan; not even Ron.

As they become one for a few blessed heavenly minutes, her rational mind -which had completely lost charge with the first kiss of the night- told her they weren't on spells, nor she had any protection, but that impression only lasted a few seconds before they reached the ultimate pleasure in each other's arms.

December 1997 - Hogwarts

The door to the Head Boy's Chamber opened with a slam, caused by two tangled bodies trying to get to the closest place to… get closer. He kissed her with all he had, completely forgetting about Voldemort, the systematic murders of members of the Order that worked in the Ministry, the blasted Order of the Phoenix that would still not let him in after everything… it all was gone in a torrent of passion between her arms.

She was led only by lust right now, the feel of his arousing close to her things was unbearably pleasant and his panting on her neck drove her mad. But despite the reactions her body was having, her mind was elsewhere… back in the seventh years' dorms.

He started on her school robes, pushing it away desperately as he searched for her naked body under it. "Oh Hermione, I love you so much!" he groaned. His hands roamed around; like a radar looking for a treasure chest… which he found seconds later. He heard a gasp and then a moan and he smiled at himself.

When he reached the place, Hermione arched her back as if he had pressed a button that sent electric shocks straight to her head. "Harry! I love you… I love you so much!"

"You have no idea how much I needed this… how much I needed you!" he moaned and flinched when sensing an unexpected change in her current growing state of ecstasy.

Those words hit her like an arrow going through soft meat. She suddenly stopped, all of the shocks gone from her mind. He just needed me right now… she thought heavily. She moved away and got off her bed slowly, feeling around for her clothes and looking everywhere but at him as tears ran down her face.

Harry supported his weight on an elbow and looked at her utterly bewildered. "Hermione? What's the matter?" he asked.

She continued looking away, "nothing Harry, I'm just- not in the mood right now."

"You were a minute ago!" he protested.

"Well, I am not now!" she snapped, looking at him for a split second.

He noticed the trails on her cheeks and frowned again, this time in concern. "Why are you crying?"

"I am not, all right?"

"No, it's not all right. Normal people don't cry when they are about to have sex!"

"I just- I'll see you tomorrow Harry. Good night," she said, swallowing and walked out of the room, leaving a extremely puzzled Harry behind her.

2004 - Grimmauld Place, London

When he opened his eyes, he though he was in one of those dreams again; one of the ones that revived those wonderful times and where he didn't he hurt her. Luckily for him, it was way past ten in the morning, so none of the flatmates were home, and if he was right, none had the day off.

When the world started to make sense again, he felt a weight next to him. Please don't tell me we did it again, he thought sleepily but then his eyes flew open when the events of the previous night came back to his head. He turned abruptly to the right and held himself from gasping very loudly.

Gently, he disentangled himself from her and got off bed. He would look at the woman that had been his torment and his eternal love for so long and started pacing. He would stop and look at her again; all peaceful and beautiful… damn beauty. Shaking his head, he would start pacing again.

"All right Harry, calm down. You face Death Eaters that could kill you almost daily and you can't manage an old girlfriend that comes back saying you can try to make it work again. Of course I can't! I just stun or kill Death Eaters, this-is different," he argued with himself.

He couldn't bring himself to grasp the concept that Hermione had come back to him, and even less that a fight of sarcasm and name-calling had ended up with them having sex. It just wasn't right and he was angry at himself for having given in to temptation when he should've only taken care of her and send her back to her `lover'.

Just then, she stirred and scrunched up her eyes at the morning sunlight. When finally opening them, the first thing she saw was a very distressed-looking Harry Potter across the room. She stared at him for a split second more, wondering what on earth could this be. And then it clicked, her heart soared, but now her mind had regained full control. She gasped and fought to pull the sheets, which were only half-covering her, to cover her body.

Harry turned and rolled his eyes. The last thing he thought of right now was that she was naked in the bed they used to share. Apparently, other parts of his body didn't agree with this and he tried unsuccessfully to fight it down. "Save it, it's not that last night we didn't get intimate…" Harry said moodily.

Hermione frowned. "What's the matter with you? One would think you'd be satisfied…" she said half-joking but still annoyed at his reaction.

"What on Merlin's name do you expect?!" Within the past hour, Harry had seriously worked himself up to an almost paranoid level on why this couldn't be happening. "You come here, unannounced, stay out there a whole night, get sick, I take care of you, then you say things and after that you have sex?!" He motioned with his hands as he spoke. "Is this some twisted way or torture or it is just a sick little tradition you and him have developed?"

Hermione didn't have the set of mind to read between the lines of this; all she felt and knew now was a huge anger towards this man that was throwing in her face all these things and using lame movie lines to speak. She stood and walked towards him, a hand still holding the sheets to her; when she was in front of him, she regarded Harry with a glare and hurt eyes and then slapped him hard across the face. "You can take your blasted dick and stick it up your ass!"

Harry took a hand to his injured cheek and glared back at her. "Why do you have to come and mess everything up? I've built a life away from you! Why do you have to come and- and- be you! And make me believe you love me, and make me almost fall again for you? And you even try and propose to `pick the pieces up'… What are you playing at, Hermione?"

She opened her mouth to speak a couple of times, indignant at this accusation of his. "I just came here to find something out. And you have just very kindly responded it to me," she said in a fake sweet voice.

"Ah, so as usual, you were only looking after yourself. Saving your arse so you can pretend you're happy. Is that it? And conveniently, I'm the one you're using this time to get to your goal, right?" He knew it was stupid, what he was saying, but that didn't take away the fact that he felt those things, as stupid as they sounded.

She looked at him once more and couldn't manage to say anything; he had definitely killed her with those words. But she wasn't about to give him the pleasure of seeing her crushed… oh no! That wasn't happening. She just started to look for her clothes around, "Accio clothes!" she cried desperately and moments later, what she'd been wearing the first night she got there, came flying to her.

Harry didn't say anything as she got dressed. There were so many more things he wanted to tell her… mostly hurtful things, but he couldn't bring himself to say them after the look he'd seen flash through her brown eyes at the last phrase. But he wasn't going to apologize, he still had dignity and an ego, and he would save at least that.

When she was done, she turned to him with an accusing finger pointed at his face. "Harry, I just came here to tell you some things and to ask you something else, which you obviously already answered. You never loved me as much as I loved you, and-"

"Excuse me? But who was the one to cheat here?"

"I- didn't- we were on a break!" she cried rather lamely.

"Usually a break means that we're just giving each other some space, not that we are free to go snogging best friends on our way!"

"You have no idea-," she shook her head and looked at him again. "I owe you no explanation at all! And besides, you've made it perfectly clear today that you have no interest whatsoever in picking any pieces at all!" she said and slammed the door shut, walking downstairs to the apparition zone of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place.

Harry growled and ran out the door after her. "Hermione, wait! I didn't mean to-." But she was gone. Harry let his head fall to his chest and shook it.

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