What is Love?
CHAPTER XIX
Odds of Ends
Cubrí mis ojos con mis manos
Y luego imaginé
Que estabas ahí de pie disimulando
Por mí
Cierra la puerta,
Ven y siéntate cerca.
Que tus ojos me cuentan
Que te han visto llorar
Llena dos copas
De recuerdos, de historias
Que tus manos aun tiemblan
Si me escuchan hablar
(.- "Cuidate"
La Oreja de Van Gogh)
I covered my eyes with my hands
And then I imagined
That you were standing here
Pretending… for me
Close the door
Come and sit close
Your eyes are telling me
They have seen you cry
Fill two cups
Of memories, of stories
That your hands still shake
When they hear me speak
(.- "Take care of yourself"
La Oreja de Van Gogh)
December 1997 - Grimmauld Place, London
She looked at the former trio and then nervously at the others in the room. After a moment of hesitation, she clapped her hands. "I believe we've all opened our presents!" she said, forcing a cheerful tone.
Ginny picked the hint, and with a sigh, she got up. "Yes, and I am starving!" she followed her mother's manner of speech.
"Hurry then, I have some wonderful pancakes ready to eat."
Remus got up from the couch as well. "I would love some pancakes, and hot chocolate!" he exclaimed and started towards the kitchen.
Slowly, the rest of the Weasley's followed, and soon, there was only Harry, Hermione and Ron in the huge room, with the marvellous tree and only five unopened gifts.
"I- guess we should open our gifts," Hermione started nervously and handed a package to Harry. "This is for you."
"Why?" Was all he asked.
"Well, it's Christmas…" she responded nonchalantly, doing a great job at hiding her pain.
He opened it and for a moment, his cold eyes softened and he gave her the slightest smile. "Thank you," he said in an emotionless voice as he studied the cloak she'd given him.
"It'll help you in your training," she said shyly.
"I know, thanks."
Then she gave Ron his present. It was a silver watch with a little quaffle telling the seconds, and hoops as the four main marks of the watch. "I thought you would like it. You'll need to be on time for the office," she said with a smile.
"Blimey! It's brilliant!" he said gleefully and started leaning to kiss her, but she flinched away and Ron pulled back with a sigh.
Harry watched with unperturbed posture and unblinking eyes at the scene as he sat on the overstuffed armchair.
Ron looked at him and presented him a small box. "This is for you."
"I don't want it," he said with words as icicles that made Hermione cringe.
"Harry, it's Christmas, please take it," Hermione pleaded with over-bright eyes.
He stared at her for a long moment, his green eyes piercing her as daggers. He let out a breath and took the present calmly. When opening it, he barely showed any recognition for the small stone basin. He looked up at him and nodded. "Thanks," he said and put the mini-pensieve on the table next to the armchair.
Ron smiled back and turned to Hermione with a grin. "Now, it's my turn," he announced and gracefully accio-ed a small blue box with a silver lace. "Merry Christmas, Mione," he said softly and kissed her cheek.
A gasp filled the room as she opened the package. The golden necklace sparkled as the light hit the small diamonds of the triangle shaped pendant. "It's beautiful Ron!" she exclaimed and pulled her hair up so he could place it on her.
He pleasantly did and Harry barely moved as the scene took place. When he couldn't take it any longer, he stood and gave Hermione a wonderfully wrapped present. "That's for you." he said coolly.
The unsure brunette hesitantly opened it to reveal an amazingly unique book bag. It was pale purple, with small parts of what appeared to be dragon-hide material. It had patches from all over the world and it was obvious that Harry had made it himself… probably before they broke up.
"It has a number of spells on it and it may be useful given the time. Thought you could use it when you start in the Prophet," he stated flatly.
"Harry, I-"
"Don't- it's just to remember me by," he said in a low tone and walked out the door with one last glance at Ron.
Ron felt his chest being pulled open by force; his heart crumble at that last look his former best friend gave him. It was pained, angered, sad… But the worst was that he looked- he looked defeated. Harry Potter looked defeated for the first time at Ron's eyes and it was more than he could take.
The tall blue-eyed boy choked the sounds of Harry's name before they came out, and sucked in a breath. He couldn't manage to say the word, nor could he get past his pride and the fact that Hermione, the girl he'd always loved so much was with him now. He looked at her and smiled sadly, that's what you cost me, my dear…
He looked away and then to where Harry had departed. The best friend one could've ever had against a woman that maybe would never be completely his, but at least she was there right now, there with him. That's what I gave up for you… he thought again and brushed her tears away gently, placing a soft kiss on her lips.
For the longest moment, she stared at the door that had just let through someone she'd probably always… a man that was now deeply buried into this person. Her Harry was gone; drowned by pain and sorrow, war and darkness. She sighed heavily and let Ron brush her tears away and kiss her… maybe he'll find peace away from us… maybe we'll all find peace after this is over, and maybe it is not together… she tried to convince herself and managed a small smile at the redhead in front of her.
"Happy Christmas, Hermione."
"As happy as it can be in times like this," she said, glancing once more at the door, perhaps in hopes of seeing Harry enter, smiling at them as if the whole scene had just been a bad joke. She shook the thought away and turned once more to Ron. "Happy Christmas, Ron." She kissed him once again and got up to go to breakfast with the rest of the Weasleys.
2004 - Grimmauld Place, London
The door to the Library closed with a slam on Harry's face and he let out a yelp of pain. "Hey! What the-" he started turning but stopped at the looks of his housemates. "It wasn't my-"
"Just shut up, Harry! Shut. The hell. Up!" Tonks was yelling, throwing daggers at her fellow auror with her now black eyes. "What in the blasted universe did you-"
"All right, all right! Time out! Tonks, quiet!" Remus bellowed from the far end of the room and waved his wand to cast a soundproof spell on the room. "Now," he started striding towards Harry, "I want some explanations, and I want them now," he inquired.
Harry wasn't sure he had felt this small since he was at school. Tonks' character was usually easy going and even laid back, but right now she could easily blaze fire flames if she had that ability. And Remus… when his calm demeanour was altered Harry could do nothing but cringe.
"Well?" His former professor spoke up after a minute or so of silence.
"What do you want to know?" he asked lamely and regretted it instantly because Tonks had darted his way and he was sure she would've attacked him clean handed had Remus not stood between the two.
"Gee, I don't know. Maybe the why Lariana asked me for protection in Merlin knows what godforsaken place. Or maybe the fact that I am not sure I had ever seen her so upset since I know her. Or maybe, only maybe… what in the hell happened in the past twelve hours that made this come to pass!" he finished, barely keeping his voice even.
"What did you do this time, Harry?" Tonks asked, apparently having gotten control over herself.
He jumped at the accusation. "Why do you immediately relate that to me?" he asked defensively.
Tonks let out a breath and rolled her eyes. "Uhm… let's see?" She started putting fingers down as she spoke next. "You are the only one able to break Lariana down like that. You broke up with her a few days before your marriage, because-" she stopped a second.
"It was her idea!" Harry responded, louder than he had intended.
"Can you tell me why?" Tonks retorted just as loud.
"I was going to marry her!"
"While being in love with someone else."
"It wasn't my fault! I am not still in love with Hermione!" he screamed and gasped when realizing what he had just said.
"Quiet! Do I need to keep doing this?" Remus asked, matching both their loud voices and the two young aurors quieted immediately, glaring at each other.
Tonks finally let out a breath and looked at Harry. "Look, I don't blame you for still being in love with her. It is obvious that it was really strong between the two, but- do you need to keep hurting Lar? How is it her fault?"
He flinched notoriously at this last comment and looked away. "You think I like this? You think I- you think I am such a terrible person as to make someone like her suffer? Well, I'm not!" Harry's voice almost pleaded.
Remus sighed and looked at the ceiling. Why does this have to be like this? He asked the gods. He put a hand on Harry's shoulder and spoke gently. "Look, no, we don't, all right? We just want to know what happened."
Harry sighed. "We were talking in the morning, and she made me remember… made me feel some things I hadn't felt in a long time. Next thing I knew, we were kissing and Hermione burst in the room saying she had some inside information…" he took a hand to his unruly hair, a sign of frustration. "Then she runs out of the room and into the restroom and she starts throwing up. I come out, and then she just dissapparates, just as Lariana tells me she's moving out!" he finished in a high pitched voice.
The two listened intently as Harry told his story and at the same time, they sighed. "Oh, brilliant," Tonks finished.
"We need to make her stay!" Harry pleaded.
"Harry, Harry, Harry!" Remus repeated his name as to calm the young man down. "You know we can't…" he stated, defeated.
"But- but there MUST be a way! I can't believe you'd just give up on her!"
"It's not that, you know it," Tonks told him as she looked away. "If Lar thinks that's what she needs, then she will continue with it…"
"At least until she sees it other way," the older man finished Tonks' sentence.
"You know how hard-headed she can be… and I can't say I blame her."
"Let's not go there," Remus warned.
"Well, it is true, baby, you know it!"
The man stood wordless for a moment and then sighed again, looking older than his 44 years old. "You're right," he agreed.
Harry stood open mouthed at Tonks' way of referring to Remus, he still wasn't used to it. "Excuse me? We're talking about a housemate here! I will go try and convince her, even if you don't agree!" Harry said defiantly and started striding towards the door.
"Hold it there!" Tonks raised her wand and Harry was paralyzed in mid-walk.
"Hey! Let. Me. Go!" he protested and fought back the spell, managing to do so a moment later, but Tonks was already in front of him. "If anyone at all is going to go talk to her, that'll be me, Harry. Definitely not you," she said vigorously.
"You've got to be kidding me! I was the one that almost married her, in case you forgot!"
"Trust me, I haven't forgotten," she said cooly. "And that's exactly why you shouldn't go. You're the main reason why she is leaving," she said with finality in her voice.
"Ouch."
"Sorry."
Harry sighed. "Fine, maybe you're right. But make sure you make her stay."
"Can't guarantee it, but I'll try."
2004 - Hermione's flat
For the third time in her life, Hermione understood the expression 'feeling like dying' because that was the exact definition of how she felt at the moment. Were Harry and Lariana getting back together? Ron hadn't called, nor he had flooed or established any kind of communication since that day in the hospital. Had he left her for good? Had she indeed pushed away forever the two people that had cared for her the most ever?
She was in automatic mode right now; she walked through her flat like an empty being wondering through the streets at night. Her legs were wobbly and her head was spinning and spinning nonstop. She stumbled to her room and had to lean on the boudoir to prevent herself from falling to the cold wooden floor.
"What the hell is the matter with me?" she wondered, looking at a pale and pasty-faced Hermione in the mirror. She was starting to get really worried now. "I've got to go for a general check." She made her mental note and managed to crawl to the big bed; it felt so empty and cold just then…
It hadn't even been five minutes of rest, when she was hit by another wave of sickness, just like the one at Grimmauld Place, and she had to race to the loo. "Great Merlin! This is going to kill me!" she protested and started walking back to bed when she heard someone call from the fireplace.
"Granger! You there?" the voice called and Hermione recognized it immediately.
"Malfoy? How did you-" she stammered as she made her way to the living room.
"How good to know people still recognize me," he continued, "come to the fireplace, I need to speak with you." The burnette's face appeared from the other room. "There you are, can I come over?" he asked.
"Wha- what? Of course you can't! How did you get my private floo?" she asked, between annoyed and amazed.
"Ah, little mudblood's brilliant manners again. It's a pleasure to see you again, Miss Granger. And I have ways of finding out…" he told her with a wink, answering her previous question.
"And again with the name-calling. Don't get me started, ferret."
"Goodness! I hadn't heard that one in ages…" he said with a lovely smile and then sobered. "I have to see you… in private. Are any of your lapdogs with you?" he asked, looking around from the flames.
"Shut up, Malfoy! I am not in a mood for your rubbish! And why would you want to see me? Didn't you finish your errand last time?"
"Oh, boy! And here I thought we ended in friendly terms the other day…" he said with a smirk and shrugged.
"Do I need to tell you to shut up again? Just apparate here, and make it quick." She had barely finished the sentence when there was an almost inaudible pop and the handsome, blond young man materialized in her living room. "You were planning on apparating here even if I told you not to, weren't you?"
Draco shrugged and winked again at her. "I am flattered to hear you recognizing my genius to get past your guards," he said satisfied.
Hermione just rolled her eyes. "What is it now?" she said in a tired voice and glanced at him, admiring his beauty for a moment and shaking herself mentally just like last time.
"Careful, I can legilimens, darling…" he said with a seductive sneer that vanished a moment later." Great Merlin! What happened to you, woman!" he said, a little alarmed at her pasty face.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"You look like a ghost!" he said, placing a soft hand on her cheek. "You look terrible."
"Well, I am not exactly having the best of weeks…" she stated.
"When was last time I saw you?" he asked out of the blue.
"Uh-I… am not sure, a month ago? Why?"
For a second, Draco stood in stunned silence and then he burst out laughing. "I can't believe this! I knew it!" he said between laughs.
"What? What is so funny, Malfoy?"
The man sobered for only as long as to give her a confused look. "You don't know? And you say you're so smart…"
"Your point being?" she stated, growing increasingly annoyed at him at not knowing something he did.
"So, you really don't know. Geez, I never dared imagine giving you, of all people, this news…"
"Draco!"
"Ah! First names! I like that!" he chimed. "You are pregnant, Hermione. I can't believe you didn't see it before! And you say you're bright…" he laughed. "The sickness, you being so pale, the extreme sensitivity…" he started naming and gave her a kind smile… an almost longing one.
Hermione only shook her head as she responded. "No… I am not-" she started nochalantly and stopped abruptly, her eyes widening. "I am what? I am NOT pregnant!" she exclaimed indignant and then stopped for a moment. "I can't be…" she added, more to herself.
Draco made a face and came closer to her. "Is that a problem? Won't the Weasel be happy?" he said, trying to lighten the situation and failing miserably, for she looked even sicker than before, if it was possible.
She turned to him with wide eyes that were quickly filling with tears. "No, no, no, that is not possible…" she muttered and looked down.
Draco leaned down a little to be at level with her face. "Why are you crying?" he asked. "I know he is no model, but heck! He is the father…" he said and stopped for a moment, pulling her head up and looking at her with big, grey eyes, "or he isn't…" he added carefully.
Hermione averted his gaze, which seemed to be drilling right inside of her. After remaining silent for a moment, she appeared to have regained the composure and looked at him. "What did you come here for? Do you have more information?" she asked in the journalist voice that had made her interviews inarguable for anyone, no matter how much they didn't want to talk.
His eyes remained nailed on her for a moment, and after a while, he had apparently dropped it because he was in the same business tone she had adopted. "Yes, I do. They are up to something in the next couple of days for sure. You might as well give him the information already so they can be prepared, I can come with you if you want… he can use ligilimens if he wishes…" he said with a shrug; he had a mission, one he had sworn with the Unbreakable Vow, and he would fulfill it.
Hermione frowned in surprise. "You, Draco Malfoy, are saying that you don't mind Harry Potter reading your mind? What is the matter with you?" she asked in shock. "Besides, he would want to use Veritaserum for sure, and I don't reckon you'd want to do that, would you?"
He narrowed his eyes. "Not in a million years…"
"So, you can't come."
"Fine. Suit yourself, though after you give him the big news I wouldn't put my money on his best faith…"
Hermione was astounded for a moment and then she got it and glared at him. "Don't do that again!" she demanded dangerously.
Draco smirked at her reaction. "Now, that is the Granger I know."
"Oh, sod off, Malfoy!"
"As you wish, m'lady," he said and bowed, stepping back a little so he could leave. "Guess that in the end it all goes back to the beginning, huh?" he said with what could be mistaken for the malice he used to have in all of his sentences, but it wasn't that kind of comment, and Hermione could tell.
"But, Draco-" she started but the almost inaudible pop filled the big room and Hermione sagged, letting herself fall to the ground in the same spot she had been for the last twenty minutes. "Oh, boy…" she said, covering her face with her hands and crying softly. A moment later, she stood up, determined. "No, it can't be," she told herself and apparated out.
She sat on the toilet, staring at two lines in front of her. To her right, a box lay on the sink, and right besides, a small cup half filled. She felt paralyzed, overwhelmed, frozen to the last bone.
"Oh, Merlin… what will Harry say?" she whispered. "Oh, gosh, and Ron!" Hermione closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip till she felt the bitter taste of blood in her mouth and a couple of tears rolled down her cheeks.
She jumped when hearing an unmistakable pop in her living room. "Oh, brilliant," she said, resigned and stood, washing her face and trying her best to look normal as she walked out to greet Ron in the living room.
2004 - Grimmauld Place
"Lariana, listen to me. Am I your best friend?"
"Yes, you most definitely are," she replied calmly but her eyes were still a little red and her bag lay open on her bed.
"Good. So I am asking you to please reconsider. Please stay, for me…?"
"I already told you, I can't. Try to understand, Tonks."
"Oh, sod Harry! Sod it all! I want you here! Lar!"
The pretty girl looked away and swallowed the lump in her throat. She leaned down and kissed the other woman gently on the lips, pulling away a moment later. "It has nothing to do with you, Tonks, you know that," she said kindly. "I have to move on for good… and so does he. That can't happen with me here," she explained, "it is true and you know it," Lariana pleaded.
At that instant, Tonks really understand at last and sighed, with over-bright eyes. "You're probably right," she said quietly and moved to the drawer to help her friend finish packing.
Lariana smiled, knowing that Tonks would always support her in whatever she did. "Thank you," she said softly and flew the things from the bathroom to a smaller bag. "I'm gonna miss this place…" she said.
Tonks stopped. "But you are coming back when this is over, right?" she asked.
"If it is ever over, yes, Tonks."
The pink-haired woman nodded her understanding and sighed as the last of Lariana's things were in the big bag. "Let me know where are you staying."
"I will be at the Cauldron tonight and then I'll look. You will be the first one to know."
Tonks smiled and bobbed her head. "Come visit," she said.
"I will."
The two walked down the stairs, Tonks carrying a bag and Lariana carrying the other one and both men were down in the sitting room, waiting. As soon as they heard the stairs, Harry and Remus stood, gazing up and half-expecting a smiling Tonks and an angry-looking Lariana but instead they found two women coming down with bags and their jaws fell.
Remus darted forward. "What are you doing?" he asked Tonks, who he had started dating not too long ago after a long discussion with himself and all the implications of the situation.
Harry followed instantly, looking at Lariana instead of Tonks. "I thought you said you would make her stay," he said a little cooly, now turning to his friend.
"I was… not anymore. She is right, Harry, and I am backing her in this," she said, avoiding his intense green eyes.
"Tonks!" Remus exclaimed, taking a hand to his ever more salt and peppering hair.
"Remus!" she imitated his tone and the man just sighed, resigned. "I'm sorry, Harry," he told the younger man.
"What? No! Lariana please don't leave! I am so sorry!" he tried his last resource, with catastrophic results because Lariana's composure started to fall apart and was only held together by Tonks' encouraging hand on her shoulder.
"Let's go Lar, this is not good for you."
Lariana nodded and they popped in front of the two men. Lariana left her bags on the floor and hugged Remus tightly. "Thank you for everything, I will be in touch," she told him softly, her eyes filled with tears, and then she turned to Harry.
He made a move to hold her but held back and swallowed. Lariana looked at him for a moment and sighed, hugging him as well. "It is not your fault, all right? You know I love you," she told him with a weak smile.
"I love you too," he responded and hugged her back, smelling her hair. Sweet vanilla, he thought. "Please come back when you feel like it," he said, "this is still your house," he finished and Lariana nodded with another smile; a more genuine one.
"I will be back later, all right?" Tonks told Remus and kissed him on the lips quickly. Remus nodded and sighed as the two dissapparated.
Defeated, Harry let out a sigh and his head fell to look at the ground. He stayed silent for a moment and then looked at Remus intensely. "This has got to end," he said and dissapparated a split second later.
"Harry, it is not that simple!" he called out and reached for him but Harry was gone. "Yet again…" Remus muttered and went back to the studio, closing the door behind him in hopeless hopes that when he came out of there, it would all be over for good.
He was now in front of Hermione's building again and shuddered at the thought of what had happened when he'd last been standing on that very spot. He prayed to the gods his wand didn't start vibrating… but it did and Harry would've jumped to the roof had he been indoors. "Holy crap, Remus!" he said and walked to the narrow alleyway close to Hermione's building, taking out the wand. When seeing it wasn't a red alert, he relaxed a little, "déjà vu", he said and cast the 'answer' spell. "Yes, tell me."
A head materialized in front of him and the older man appeared relived when hearing Harry's voice. "Thank Merlin you answer, Harry."
"What is it?" he asked, having a rather clear idea on what his former professor was about to tell him.
"Harry, please, this is not the time for doing things like this. You should stop a moment and calm down before you do anything you might regret."
"No. Like this, is exactly how I should be to finish things up, otherwise I won't be able to!"
"My point precisely. Don't you reckon there might be a reason behind?"
"Behind what?"
He let out a somewhat exasperated breath at his thickness. "Behind the fact that after all these years you haven't been able to close that book even though you've wanted to so many times?"
"Your point?"
"My point is that they are part of your life and they will always be part of it. You can't just cut them off; it would be like cutting a tree from its roots."
At this, Harry did stop for a moment, only to gather his own thoughts to give Remus the answer he sought. "I know what you mean, Remus, I really do, and you are right. But I keep hurting people I love, and myself too, and that can't happen anymore. I have to put a stop to it, one way or another…" he said truthfully.
"You think you will ever stop?"
"Loving her? Probably not. But I have to learn and I have to be able to make peace with them because-" he stopped a moment. "Because whether I like it or not, they are, as you said, my family, my roots. It is not fair to the Weasley's; I've made this too unfair for far too long, and it was my fault to begin with."
Remus looked at him with what could only be seen as incredible pride… fatherly pride; even through the image, you could tell he had tears welled in his eyes.
"You are my family too, Remus," Harry told his mentor with a smile. "But do you see what I mean?"
"Yes, I do, Harry. And I can only say I am proud of you…" he said, getting over the knot in his throat. "But do try and leave it well," he added. "Good luck." And he disappeared.
Harry looked up at the eighth floor once again and took an encouraging breath, walking out of the alley a moment later towards the red and amber building. He was about to ring the bell, when the door opened and a man walked out. "Good evening, sir," Harry greeted and entered, walking to the elevator and pushing the eighth floor button. "Here we go," he whispered to himself.
The elevator came to a halt and with the stop, Harry's heart skipped a beat and he stepped out, locating number 800 and walking there. He rang the bell and waited. Seconds later, he was greeted by a redhead that had once been Harry's biggest pillar of strength after Hermione, and he did not seem all too pleased to see him.
"Evening, Ron," Harry said and for a moment thought he remembered he'd felt him at St. Mungo's last time.
Ron looked at him and narrowed his eyes at him. "What are you doing here?" he asked hastily.