What is Love?
CHAPTER XX
Renconter
I woke up from my sleep to the sound of that voice
From the words that I heard I had no choice
They told me I had to turn around
My assurance slowly faded down
And I wonder
Will I ever make it home
Will I ever leave the ground
Leave this place so far behind
The plans that I had were quickly destroyed
The problem was one I couldn't avoid
They welcomed me to stay overnight
I'm too tired to complain so i just might
And I wonder
My weariness keeps growing inside
My patience is starting to subside
And I hope I'll be there soon
It can't be long or I'll fall through
Will I ever make it home
Will I ever leave the ground
Leave this place so far behind
Till there is no turning back
Will I ever make it home
Get to where I wanna be
Find the ones who wait for me
To the place where I belong
Will I ever make it home
(.-Will I Ever Make it Home
from 13 Going on 30 Soundtrack)
June 1998 - Hogwarts
Clases were now over. School was over for Harry and his friends. No one could really believe it; it was too good and too scary to be true. So much had happened in such little time, but it was over, for good.
Harry's eyes traveled to the teacher's table and made his very own Staff in his head. Dumbledore was sitting in the centre of the table, smiling softly, his eyes twinkling under the half-moon glasses. To his right, was McGonagall, Harry's Head of House, Hermione's favorite teacher. To Dumbledore's left was professor Slughorn, Slytherin's Head of House; despite everything, he had been good to them. Next to McGonagall was professor Lupin, his best ever professor and to his right, Hagrid... oh Hagrid, he really missed him; everyone did, but Harry especially. Hagrid had ALWAYS been there for him, no matter what, and he had lost his sanity and also died to protect him.
He blinked and found the current staff table, something started pressing on his chest and he looked down as he couldn't beat the tears from coming. A moment later, he felt a small hand in his shoulder; instinctively he reached over to touch it and had to take his own hand... this wasn't the hand he had expected. "Hey, Gin," he offered a faint smile and quickly wiped his face.
The redhead girl returned a pained smile, but it was reassuring nontheless. "Everything all right, Harry?"
Before looking up to Ginny, Harry looked around, to where Hermione and Ron were sitting, then his eyes went to the Slytherin table, to where Draco used to sit. He sighed. Everyone. From there, his eyes went to each of the empty seats in the tables, and he sighed again. Not in vain, he added mentally before turning to Ginny. "Yes, yeah, don't worry about me. Just some last day melancholy."
"I know what you mean, I'll be alone next year," she laughed a little.
"You won't. You have Luna..." he responded and laughed a little too.
"Right, and because she likes to sneak around SO much..."
"Can't help you with that," Harry shrugged with a grin, which faded a moment later when he heard the tap of a spoon against glass.
"Quiet, please," McGonagall called form the Staff Table and everyone fell silent. She did a very good job as Headmistress, if one had to be honest... "As it's tradition, the Head Boy and Girl will address a few goaway words to the student body." Her eyes fell to the two unconfortable teenagers. "Harry, Hermione? If you could please?" she said and sat down.
Hesitantly, Hermione stood, Harry followed her lead and they never broke eye contact, as awkward as it felt. They stayed silent for the longest time; a pin falling in the huge room could've been heard, then Hermione started talking, raising her glass.
"My fellow students, we stand here today, leaving school. The things we have learned in class throughout these seven years will help us for our future lives; no one will ever be able to break us down after everything we've-" she stopped for a moment, almost losing composure, but she looked down and then continued, adressing everyone in the Great Hall. "Everything we've learned. We will be able to come out, prepared to face anything, and we owe it all to this House of Knowledge."
"Hogwarts is more than just our school. For many of us, Hogwarts is a home away from home, and for some, it is our only home," her brown eyes fell on Harry, and she smiled at him softly. After a pause, she continued. "The companionships and friendships we've forged in these dark times will last us for life," her voice started quavering a bit, though only Harry noticed. "And what we have gained... and lost," she now made a long pause and looked away, her glass still in her hand.
Harry took this hint and quickly tried to continue, though he also had a knot in his throat. He finally managed to continue Hermione's speech, earning him a grateful smile from the woman he loved. "…will never be forgotten. Thanks to all of you, and what this school has given us, we can now go out and be sure that nothing will haunt our homes and our dreams."
"You see, when I came here for the first time, I was no one, I had nothing. But at Hogwarts, I found out that the world was not what I had always known," he forced a smile, and all the room laughed. "I found out that I could move things, I could create things… that I could fly! Change almost everything!" he added with a fond smile and looked at the professors.
After that, his voice dropped to a deep, melancholic tone. "But then I found out that wasn't so, that I couldn't change everything," Harry's green eyes fell on Ron and Hermione and he looked at them intensely. "That the things I wanted the most, couldn't be changed. That the past can't be changed." His gaze was intense, and then he turned to the room once more. "But that we could do something for the future, and that is what this marvelous house taught us. That we can work for ourselves and for the others, for the future, and that it can be better... and now it is," he finally stopped with a smile and raised his glass. Everyone followed and a burst of applause started.
This had been the first time they had heard Harry speak since Hagrid's decease and the Last Battle. Many were crying, others were merely smiling, but it was for certain that Harry and Hermione's speech had touched everyone in the room; even the Slytherins that were left at school.
2004 - Hermione's flat
"Who is it, Ron?" she asked, wondering who would come at this time; she wasn't expecting anyone… "Gin-" she stopped upon seeing who was at the door and gasped, all the blood rushing out of Hermione's face as she saw the sparkling green eyes at the door. Oh, Merlin… was her first thought.
Her eyes darted to Ron and saw his clear blue spheres easily throwing beams to the man in front of him. Oh bloody hell, what I've caused, she thought to herself. Hermione had had some time to think things over and again and though she knew she had been very guilty of charge, she had to admit that the three had brought this on to themselves.
She took a breath and stepped in front of Ron quickly. "Harry! Merlin! Harry, what are you doing here?" she said with honest shock in her brown eyes when seeing how disheveled he was. "Is everything all right?" she asked.
He took a breath and courage to look her in the eye. "Can I come in, please?" he asked as calm as he could.
Hesitantly, Hermione stepped aside, pushing Ron to the side as well in the way. "Uh… yes, sure! What's the matter?" she asked again, a little alarmed.
Harry entered and looked around, placing the picture of the three at the start of seventh year, in the corner. He sighed and turned to face the two. "Nothing is the matter, but we need to talk, and really talk," he said and looked at them.
"We have nothing to talk about, Harry, you know it," Ron responded coolly.
"No, exactly the opposite, there are way too many things we need to talk about," he retorted quickly.
"What is it you wanna talk about, eh? On how I stole your girl? On how it is her fault that you haven't been able to lead a normal relationship? Or perhaps about the fact that thanks to you, festivities at my house have to be divided?" Ron spat at Harry, startling him for more than a moment.
He blinked a couple of times, taking it in and digesting it, but all he could manage was to get even angrier at the redhead in front of him. "Actually, no. I wanted to talk about how you stabbed me in the back, how Hermione was with you all the time," his voice raised at Ron with every word he spoke, "and has always had the balls to come back, which is one of the reasons…"
"Hey! I am here, in case you didn't notice!" Hermione cut in on Harry's near-screams.
"Stay out of this!" the two boys told her.
"Didn't you read the best friend manual? Gee, maybe rule number one: NEVER betray your friend?"
Ron squinted his eyes. "Hm… lemme think. I think it was right next to the 'Don't be a git and trust your friend' rule. No, no… maybe it was next to the 'hero that is a prick to his friends does NOT get the girl' one."
Hermione was alack of words for a moment. So childish, so true, so... so confusing! She felt like blowing their heads off in the blink of an eye, she felt like curling into a ball in the corner and cry, she felt like just screaming at herself for even noticing these gits! As she thought all of this, sparks started erupting in the room and Hermione looked around, alarmed; all this power… and strong emotions… that couldn't be good. Luckily, her logical mind took control for just one second, and she cast an unplottable spell over the flat before exploding.
"Excuse me!" she yelled atop of her lungs. "I am not the 'girl' the hero gets. I am NOT the victim of some git, and I am certainly NOT a traitorous little girl! Is that clear?!" she snapped at the two as she walked towards them, knowing full well that she was adventuring into a battlefield that had been set a long time ago but had only been looked over; something that could no longer happen. "And quiet down before you make the whole building explode! Especially you, Harry!" she said and Harry and Ron noticed for the first time the sparks all over the room. The two stared for a moment and then took a deep breath
When the immediate danger was controlled, she continued, "Now, I wasn't exactly a lovely pie, you weren't, and you certainly weren't either," she told Ron and Harry respectively. "But we are supposed to be adults now!" she told the two and tried her best to not let her emotions start all the fireworks in the room again.
"As long as your boyfriend doesn't keep attacking me…" Harry said in what the rational part of his mind considered a 12 year-old tone of voice.
"As long as Mr. Allmighty gets out of our lives for good…"
"Shut up! Both of you!" She said and a lamp near her lighted up and then exploded. She gasped at the sound and had to close her eyes for a moment. One, to fight back the erupting volcano inside of her, and two, to control the sudden sickness that attacked her. She opened them again and glared at the two young men. "And to think that for one second I thought you were being mature…" she added to Harry.
"Well, he bit my head off as soon as I-"
"What part of keep quiet did you not understand?! Shut up, Harry!" she started saying something else, but stopped, and without looking back at the men, she added. "And you shut up too, Ron!" She threw her arms to the sky and made an exasperated sound. "Merlin! You are two babies! Who would even dare imagine that you are 24!"
Harry started saying something, but bit it back at Hermione's daggers, and then he looked down, staying quiet for a moment. "Look, I just came here to talk and settle some things for good, exactly what we-"
"You have nothing to say here. We are history!"
"And settle some things for good, exactly what we-"
"You have nothing to say here. We are history!" Ron repeated and Harry looked at him. For a moment, it seemed like he was choking, but when Hermione spoke, Harry was grateful he'd lost focus.
"You have history!" Hermione cried helplessly.
"And it is over!" Ron snapped back, baffled at the sensation a second ago.
"It will NEVER be over," Harry countered.
"You may be done with the past, but the past is never done with you, Ron," Hermione continued into Harry's train of thought.
"Wanna bet on that?"
"You know you are being a git, don't you?" Harry said, annoyed. Finally settling into a calm state of mind, thanks to his auror training and to Hermione's remark.
"Oh! I should most definitely take that into account; coming from the biggest git ever."
"You can go to hell, Ronald," Harry said and started walking towards the other man; fighting his best to hold his temper. "You simply can't understand it, can you?"
"Understand what? What, Harry, huh?"
"That you were wrong. That you should have never done what you did, and that it isn't my fault that things are like they are!"
Now, that wasn't what he had in mind fifteen minutes ago, when he had talked to Remus, was it? Back down there, he knew that for a good part, it had indeed been his fault. So what was coming out of his mouth right now?
"Now, wait a second there, Harry Potter. What have you just said? I think I might have heard it wrong. That it WASN'T your fault? That is, I think, the biggest rubbish that has come out of your mouth. Ever," Hermione echoed Harry's thoughts in defense of Ron and herself as well.
Harry turned to her, as if he had just noticed her, and shook his head. "Wha- what are you talking about?" he asked, bewildered. "So you're saying that this was my fault?"
"Uh… duh? Who started it in the first place?" Ron said.
"Oh, I am so sick of listening to the same story over and over again. Who started it? Who started it? It is childish!" Harry all but yelled.
"Might I remind you that you were the one that started it?"
"It doesn't bloody matter now, Ron!" Hermione entered the conversation once more.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!" the redhead spat back, getting redder in the face with every word he said.
"Like hell it doesn't matter!" Harry sided with Ron.
Hermione covered her face with both hands, hiding the one sole tear that escaped her eyes. She took a deep breath and looked at Harry, putting herself together and speaking in the most clam tone she could muster. "What did you come here for, Harry?"
"Yeah, what DID you come here for, Harry?"
He breathed as well, trying to follow Hermione's lead. It had worked before, why wouldn't it work now. "Things are different now," he simply said.
"Are they?" Ron asked defyingly.
The raven-haired man looked at his former best friend and really wondered if they had indeed changed or if it had only been a crazy outburst of his to even think that he could fix things.
"Yes! They are!" Hermione retorted firmly.
Harry started saying something; horribly torn between himself and... himself, but Ron irrupted in his thoughts. "They are not! He is still a git and obviously, he won't change," Ron said with anger etched all over his voice, but deep in there, in both pair of eyes, green and blue, Hermione could see a small glint that gave her a little hope… and dread.
July 1998 - Hogwarts
Things were crazy at Grimmauld Place. The Order was out now, but it was still a get-together place for the former members, and it had become Harry Potter and Remus Lupin's house after the first had left the Dursleys for good. There was a third roomate that didn't really spend much time there since last December. After Hermione Granger's parents had been killed, back in sixth year, she had moved to Grimmauld Place, to live with Harry and Remus and the rest of the Order. But since The Breakup, she had spent most of her time at the Weasley's, living with Ginny.
Now, just before their graduation, Order members had gathered after little over two months for Harry and his friends' graduation. It was historical that these mere teens had done so much even before they graduated school, so this definitely meant a lot for everyone.
Even the Weasleys, all of them (or the ones left) had come, and there had been a tacit agreement between the former Golden Trio to ignore their differences for this day. Voices were heard all over: last minute arrangements, congratulations, calls... in one word, craziness was all around the once grim old house.
"Harry! Is you whole outfit ready? Did you fix the hat?"
"Yes, dad!" he answered his former professor with a laugh and the two laughed.
"Mum! Where is my tie!"
"Right over the fridge!"
"What is it doing there?" Ron asked bewildered.
"Ask the pixies, hun."
"Remus! Do you know where the M-hair is?"
"The what?"
"The thing that I- Ah! Never mind, here it is."
"All right Mione, but hurry, we have to leave in a few moments!"
"Goodness! It is almost time!"
"We'll miss the portkey!"
"Kids, hurry!"
"We're not kids, mum!"
"Fine! Hurry graduates!"
"All because you are the one wearing the Graduation dress robes!"
"Yes! Is that a problem!" Ron answered his sister, annoyed.
"Fine! Don't bite my head off!"
"Then get off my back!"
"Leave her alone, Ron!" Hermione snapped as she came out of the restroom, all dressed up and ready.
Ron looked up. "You look beautiful," he told her with a smile, forgetting about his sister.
Hermione smiled back. "Thanks, you don't look half-bad yourself."
Ron winked and started to draw Hermione closer but pulled away in the blink of an eye when a familiar pace broke into the room. Harry's mood fell instantly. "Don't let me interrupt you, continue what you were doing," he said and quickly walked out. The two stared at each other and made a face, exchanging a quick and awkward kiss before they went to the sitting room to catch the portkey that would take them to Hogwarts.
The ceremony had been one of the most beautiful and celebrated in the last century. This wasn't any class that was graduating. It was a class of heroes, deceased heroes and fighters. Not one person of this class had stepped aside from the final battle or from the war. They were all powerful, brave, hard-working, cunning, intelligent; a class the founders themselves would have been proud of, and all the Staff couldn't be more grateful and proud of them all.
After the ceremony, they were asked to step out for a little show to give the elves and the room time to get ready for the dinner party. There were magical creatures everywhere performing the most perfect and beautiful show one could dare imagine... Hagrid had prepared it all for them before the final battle; especially for Harry, Hermione, Ron and Neville; the four heroes of the war.
As the trio enjoyed the show, there couldn't be a force that could stop them from weeping for his lost friend and this gesture of his. After what seemed like an eternity to all of the Class of '98, the former Golden Trio were standing together, holding each other up, like it was supposed to be.
After the display finished, everyone went back to the Great Hall, but they stayed behind for a moment; each pulling themselves together again to try and enjoy the evening. After a few minutes, they were able to break apart and for an awkward moment, they stared at each other in silence.
Harry was the first one to break the contact and he sighed. "We should better get back," he said, avoiding having to look at the couple in front of him and he started inside.
Hermione and Ron were still holding each other when Harry walked away. Almost immediately, Hermione broke free from her boyfriend and went after her former partner. "Harry! Wait! Please!"
He kept on going. If anything, he hurried his pace, but Hermione was running, and quickly, she caught up to him. "Harry, wait!" she said, panting and took his arm, abruptly turning the young man around to face her.
"What! Why do you want me to wait!" he said, jerking his arm free and glaring at her. "To see you two kissing and enjoying each other's company? No, thank you."
"No! I want us to talk."
"What do you want to talk about? There is nothing to be talked out! Go talk to your boyfriend!"
"I want to talk to my best friend!"
"I don't see anyone here," he said coolly just as Ron reached them with his long strides.
"I was talking about you," she retorted angrily.
"I am NOT your friend, Hermione."
This hurt Hermione like nothing else he had done and she flinched, staring at him with wide brown eyes. She said nothing.
Harry had to turn away to avoid her hurt look. "What did you expect? You cheated on me, with him!" he pointed accusingly at Ron.
"Hey! Don't dare do that again! And she didn't cheat!"
Hermione wanted to say something, but apparently her body felt otherwise because it wouldn't utter any word.
"Ah, she didn't? So how do you call it when your girlfriend goes on kissing someone else?"
"It would be cheating if you had been together, but you were all by yourself. That, for me, is breaking up."
"It is not break up until someone says 'it's over', and I don't remember saying it."
"You didn't need to! You said it when you-"
"Ron, stop, please," Hermione managed and looked at Harry. "You said 'it's over' every time you left without telling me. You said 'it's over' whenever you chose to go out and do whatever you were doing when you had promised to be with me. You said 'it's over' every time I asked you something and you wouldn't tell me, Harry!" she cried.
"If I hadn't, we would still be at war!"
"The war would've been over before if you would have come to us! Like you had always done!"
"I couldn't do that! You would've gotten yourselves killed!"
"We could have helped!"
"No you couldn't have. I had to do it. Alone!"
"There's that rubbish again!"
"Shut your mouth, Ron! You're the least one to tell me anything!"
"Maybe if you would have asked us to help, we could have told you what we had been told in the meeting you didn't attend and Hagrid wouldn't have had to go after you and-"
"Ron! That's enough!" Hermione interrupted.
"No, he has to finally see it!"
"No, it's not the way. Or the place!"
"Oh, yes it is. If you would've come to us, we would've told you, and Hagrid wouldn't have had to go after you and he wouldn't have gotten killed. Yes! It is the truth!"
Harry gasped at this; his heart crumbled, and a moment after, his warm green eyes turned icy. "That is the biggest rubbish. I can't believe you just blamed me for Hagrid's death!"
"Well, it is true."
"No it's not. I went because they would've killed you had you come with me. I was protecting you, you git! Both of you!"
"And what on earth made you think that YOU wouldn't get killed! It was stupid!"
"And selfish!" added Ron. "Because you KNEW that we couldn't do it without you! Argh! That's what- argh! So selfish!" he finished, his voice dominated by sadness and frustration.
"YOU, come telling ME, about selfishness!" he said as he came closer to Ron with each word.
"Harry, stop!" Hermione cried.
"You leave me alone!" he spat at Hermione and pushed her away, throwing her such a venomus look, that she drew back.
"You don't touch her!" Ron demanded, stepping forward, only a few inches from Harry.
"The nerve in you!" Harry pushed Ron away and for one second, he had to hold his fist back. He just turned around.
"You're full of rubbish! I don't want you close ever again! I can't believe I would have given everything for you!"
"Apparently, not everything, Ron," he stopped and turned around, then looked at Hermione, who looked away. "And that's fine with me, I don't want to see you again either. Either of you!" he finished and started towards the Forbidden Forest, not looking back at all as everything inside him came crumbling down. Everything he'd know and loved was left behind, and he didn't care; at least not right now.
2004 - Hermione's Flat
No, things weren't different, he had just confirmed that. They were different, but that wouldn't ever go away, would it? He would never be able to completely put that behind, nor would they.
He would always bethe one who shut his best friends off out of sheer stupidity; Hermione would always be the girl in the middle that chose wrong and wouldn't accept it; and Ron... Ron would always be the one that took his mate's girl; he would always be haunted by that same thing that had caused them problems ever since they met, he would always have that hidden resentment. No, there was no way they could fix this.
Harry's eyes traveled from Hermione to Ron and a deep sorrow took him over; his eyes itched and he swallowed. His look went back to Hermione for a moment, and apparently, what he saw there made that line that was itching to get out of his lips, stay inside his mouth. He just looked down and said nothing.
"Ron, you are being a git," Hermione said quietly after a rather awkward pause.
The redhead looked at the two and frowned. "What are you talking about?" he asked, finally catching up with the strange moment that had just taken place.
"We're talking about that you make everything harder," Harry continued Hermione's sentence.
"Harry Potter, I don't need you talking for me, all right?" she said coldly even though that was exactly what she wanted to say.
"What?! I wasn't-"
"Oh, yes you were," Ron said before Harry could finish.
"Shut up, Ron!" Harry yelled.
"Don't talk to him like that!" Hermione yelled back. "And don't dare say anything, Ron. I am not on your side!"
"Then whose side are you on?"
"What we have left of ourselves. That side," she spat at him with an intense gaze.
Harry closed his eyes and looked atthe picture once more, sighing. "Look, I just wanted to try and end this."
"I know, Harry. I knew it from the moment you walked into the room," she said in almost a whisper and a trace of a smile appeared in the corner of Harry's mouth.
"Hey, what is this, now you're with him?" Ron asked, feeling stupid when he heard himself saying that.
The two broke eye contact and turned to Ron. "No, not at all," Harry and Hermione spoke in unison and shut almost immediately.
"Oh, this is just rich. Only half an hour together and you are already thinking alike again," he said, unable to control his everlasting jealousy of Harry.
"Ron, please no, don't get like this," Hermione pleaded.
"Don't get like what?" he asked in defense.
Knowing there was a battle coming, Harry spoke up again. Just like old times, he told himself with inner resignation. "Look." What he had initially come here to do was far into oblivion, and now Harry felt more authentic than he had in a long time. "I'm- Hermione, this can't go on, it's been too long already. And I am tired."
"So you can leave already," Ron added.
"Please, let me talk," he said quietly, and not knowing why, Ron obliged. Harry sighed; if this was the only way, he would have to. "Ron, I'm sorry, all right?" he said.
"It's no-"
"Harry, you don't have to apologise to him," Hermione started, but Harry cut her off.
"Yes, I do owe him an apology, even though- nothing."
"No, you don't."
"Please, let me," he told the woman in front of him. "And," he took a breath. "Ron, you're not doing her or yourself any good with this."
"Who do you think you are to say that?" he said angrily.
"I used to be your best friend," he said with sadness.
"You stopped being my best friend the day you stopped trusting me and you started lying to me," Ron answered calmly, but it was obvious that this was finally getting to him.
"You lied to me too, Ron. But that's in the past. And we can't do anything about it."
"You bloody hurt us, Harry. That is not easily forgotten."
"I know, that's why I'm here," he stopped again and took a breath. "That and to say this one last time to Hermione," he turned to her. "I don't expect you to do anything with this but," he took her hand, "Hermione, despite everything, I haven't been able to get over you. We all know that. I just need this to get closure. I love you. I always have. Probably always will."
He then turned to Ron and stared at him for the longest moment. "Ron, again, I'm sorry. I did make a mistake, and I'm sorry. The but's here don't matter anymore. You've always been the best friend anyone could ever have in spite of everything that happened that last year, and these past years. And you have no idea how sorry I am that we're no longer best friends. That's all I wanted to say. I want this war between us to end, I give up, all right," he finished and let out a breath that told the other two that he was empty now, that he had nothing more to say. Harry had turned out to be the bigger man here, and none of the other two could believe it.
Hermione was speechless as his presence took her all in. Not fair, not fair for him, not fair for us. My fault, she repeated to herself with sickening frequency in those few seconds and she caught Harry's eyes, silently communicating all their feelings, like they had always done. The world was only the two of them for a single moment and she didn't know what to say, but to Harry, the look they shared was all he needed.