What is Love?
A/N: Some of you told me you wanted to see more H/Hr fluff but I'd think that you knew "What is Love?" isn't fluff at all; it's drama and angst mostly (if you see the genre, it's Drama first, and then Romance). Of course we need some fluff, cause if not, it would be incredibly frustrating (even more, lol) but just enough to prevent us from that.
Some Lariana/Harry cute stuff ahead for the fans of these two unless you want to kill me right now for not making the chapter more H/Hr fluff lol, but there's also some H/Hr cuteness.
CHAPTER XXVII
Broken Arrow
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'Cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind
(.- Come Clean, by Hilary Duff)
2004 - Grimmauld Place, London
He didn't get the doctor-recommended sleep that night. What Lariana had brought up after so long had struck him hard. He spent the dark hours staring at the light beige of the ceiling; the same room he'd shared with Lariana for over a year; the same room he'd shared with Hermione for equally as long.
He examined the quilt that sheltered him from the early winter coldness… Hermione had sewed it herself the first Christmas they spent together. His eyes traveled to the ceiling once more; the one Lariana herself (with some help of her wand, of course, but still) had painted, and his head threatened to blow up any moment now.
It was intriguing how his mind worked, how everything had settled for things to happen as they did. He shuddered at the sole thought of all that had happened after the night he'd proposed. He had doubted for a second; he had noticed and remembered it, but then her scent had filled him and he'd felt that warmth only Lariana could inspire in a person.
Harry sighed and started to get up for a shower; determined that staying in that same trail of thought would eventually drive him mad, when the door knocked and he looked at his bedside muggle clock. "Seven a.m., they don't get up for another half an hour…" he mused. "Come in!" he called a little louder.
The door opened to reveal Lariana's slender form, in her PJs. She was smiling at him but there was this expression on her face that wasn't quite right. "Good morning! I was hoping you'd be awake," she greeted quietly and padded closer to the bed.
Harry smiled back at her. "Hello, why are you up so early?" he asked.
"I- wanted to talk to you before everyone else got up, you know? And I brought you breakfast."
He laughed contently. "Thank you, I could've made it myself, you know?"
"Right, because you are SO well to get up and do everything. You really ARE a terrible patient, you know that, right?" she commented with and eye roll.
He rolled his eyes back and smiled. "Whatever. What did you want to talk to me about? Listen, I-"
She sobered and lifted a hand to stop him from continuing. "Don't. For once, let ME do the talking," she commanded and he obliged, listening intently with a puzzled expression on his face.
"Look, I shouldn't have brought that up last night, just that having you so hurt brought back so many memories, and you know I- never mind. Well, it was just some nostalgic moment, but it's all gone now, all right? I'm sorry," she finished in one breath and looked at him expectantly.
Harry stayed silent for a moment, feeling terrible once again for having hurt someone as wonderful as her, and sighed. "Lar, I will never give you enough apologies for what I did to you, I really didn't mean to hurt-"
"Harry, stop. You don't need to. That happened years ago and now it's-" She paused for a moment and looked away so quickly it was barely noticeable. "Now it's all good and I am glad that things turned out the way they did," she said honestly but with a slight twinkle in her eyes that almost no one would recognize.
He sighed once more, knowing better than buying all she said. He stood and walked over to where she was standing; Harry looked into her deep dark-green eyes and spoke. "You didn't deserve that. You were good to me and I was a git, I never stopped loving you, honest. But one cannot give themselves full if-if they are not complete."
As her eyes were at level with Harry's, all the composure she had gathered was starting to fall apart, and she had to bit her lip and look away. "I know, Harry, I know. It just- it wasn't-"
"I know it wasn't fair, for either of us," he said heavily and closed his eyes. I can't keep on doing this to myself! Or to her! He thought inwardly as a ton more memories came back to him.
January 2002 - Grimmauld Place
The early sunlight filtered through the window. It was weak, but annoyingly enough, was coming straight to his eyes. He squeezed them shut, as to turn off the light. "Gotta… fix… window…" he muttered grumpily and gave up on turning the sun off.
Harry opened his eyes and turned on his side, to meet… an empty bed! His eyes widened and he shook himself awake, sitting up alarmed. The door to the bathroom opened and a dripping Lariana came out, all curvy under the thin towel that covered her body. He smiled relieved.
"Got to get that habit of yours under control, mister… it is quite annoying to have you all jumpy as soon as you wake and don't see me," she said with a smile and placed a wet good-morning kiss on his lips.
He laughed. "Sorry, can't help it. Has happened-"
"Too many times before, I know," she said and entered the walk-in closet, letting the towel fall to look for her clothes for the day.
Harry enjoyed the view from his place on the big four-poster and a lust-filled smirk drew itself on his face. "You make Halle Berry look like an old sack, I tell you!"
She stopped and turned around, facing him all naked with a hand on her hips. "Mister Harry Potter, isn't it a bit early for these remarks?" she asked with a satisfied sneer.
"It is never early for a good view," he argued and slumped back on the pillows, a little disappointed.
She laughed and shook her head. "So, ready for your reunion? 1998 Head Boy?" she called from the inside as she picked a skirt and a blouse, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible. The sole thought that he would be spending all day with Hermione, working together again, made her shudder.
Harry sighed and felt a terrible weight fall on his stomach. "Actually, no. But it's our year to make the preparations, so I've got no choice," he admitted.
"Oh, it can't be that bad!" she said, not really knowing why she was encouraging him to be all cheerful about meeting his old girlfriend.
"You would be surprised. I don't think you've met her before, have you?"
"Not personally, but I am sure that I know enough to be her bestest friend," she said a bit annoyed but not showing it.
"Ah, well. She's- she's one of a kind, really," he commented thoughtfully, a little idle of Lariana's presence.
She stopped dressing herself; she had the brown corduroy skirt and her light blue bra on. She walked out of the closet and to the bed, staring fixedly at him. "Harry, can I ask you something?"
He was sort of brought back to reality and sat up, forcing a smile at her. "Yeah, anything," he assured, smiling more naturally.
Lariana came closer to him, sitting as near as she could. "Do you love me, love me?" she asked like a little girl asking for a candy before lunch.
He stared at her and frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Do you really love me?"
"Of course I do! I wouldn't be marrying you in a month if I didn't," he told Lariana and kissed her softly on the lips, pulling away slowly. "Of course I love you, never doubt that."
She smiled at him and let out a small breath. Kissing him lightly once again, she went back to the closet to finish dressing up for work. "All right, I'll get off as soon as possible and will take the portkey to Hogwarts at eight, all right? You should be free and receiving the guests by then, correct?"
"Indeed, my love, indeed," he said and sighed as she went back to sit on the bed, kissing Harry good bye. "I'll meet you there and you better impress me, 'cause I will definitely impress you," she said playfully with a wink.
"Sure thing, my lady," he kissed her once again and then she walked out the door.
It was almost eleven, and Harry and Hermione's portkey would activate in five minutes. Hermione had a bag with her dress in one hand and her transfigurable purse on the other. She was sure she was shaking with a mix of anticipation, fear and nervousness. After almost two years, she would be seeing Harry once more.
It was absolutely outrageous that everything seemed to be coming together for a very awkward encounter. First, it was Class of '98's Head Boy and Girl time to put the whole thing together. Then, she and Ron had just had a huge fight and he had even left their place for a day now. And finally, Harry's fiancée hadn't been able to get the day off to go there early with him. She didn't know if to be scared or irritated at all of this.
She finally took a deep breath and apparated to the meeting point, where Harry was supposed to be waiting as well. When she opened her eyes to see the surroundings, Hermione was met by a pair of emerald green eyes and a mat of unruly black hair…. For a moment, she felt the usual content and calm he'd always given her, but then everything came back and the moment died down completely. She erased the smile that had started to form on her face and sobered. "Hello, Harry, it's been a while, hasn't it?" she said very diplomatically.
Harry had been dreading the moment that a pop would be heard in the room and Hermione, his- just Hermione would appear in front of him. It had been such a long time and so many things had happened ever since.
He couldn't help the smile as soon as she appeared, all beautiful as always, her long black skirt seemed to float around her, and the tight light blue shirt she wore made her look absolutely stunning. For a moment, he was almost sure he'd seen the same expression he was positive he'd had, on her face before she sobered and spoke. He forced himself into the same attitude as her. "Hello, you look good," he responded.
"Thanks, you too. Green was always your color."
Harry managed a smile at her with an inner sigh. It's going to be one hell of a long day… he thought heavily. "We should get going, we don't want to miss the Portkey," he said quickly and walked to the pipe tube that had been made for them to go to their old school.
The two touched it at the same time, and Hermione felt the familiar sensation of being pulled as the world around her began swirling quickly, to come together again in the huge oak front doors of Hogwarts.
They let go off the pipe tube and looked up at the place that held so many fond and also bad memories for the two. At the same time, they sighed and looked at each other.
"We're here. It's been quite a while," Hermione commented.
"Is it me, or it seemed much bigger when we were at school?" Harry asked pensatively.
"No, it did seem much bigger back then," she responded and walked into the Entrance Hall as the doors magically opened, welcoming the two.
Minerva McGonagall, current Headmistress, was inside, waiting for them with a big grin and bright eyes. "Harry! Hermione! It is so good to see you again," she exclaimed and gathered her two former pupils into a big embrace that they received and returned happily.
Harry was the first to pull away, grinning broadly at his old professor and Head of House. "Profes- Minerva! It is wonderful to see you too. How have you been?" he asked.
She laughed at him almost calling her professor. "I have been doing just fine, thank you very much. It's rather hard without Albus around." A quick flash of sadness crossed her dark eyes but then she continued. "But Severus has been of much help."
"Snape is Deputy-?" Hermione asked with wide eyes.
"Poor lads," Harry commented.
"Potter!"
"Back to the roles," he teased her and they laughed.
"Please come in, there is much to do. I'm sure you'll do a great job," she said with a smile. "You always have…" she added not too subtly.
Harry and Hermione were a little taken aback, and for a quick moment they felt terribly uncomfortable but had to get over it when McGonagall ushered the two into the Great Hall, where it'd all take place.
As they set up the Country environment they'd decided to play the reunion with, Harry was taking care of the ceiling and walls, while Hermione did the tables and catering in general. They'd been told to just summon things up, that Hogwarts had everything covered and that they needn't worry about it at all; just set it up beautifully for all of the alumni that was to come that night.
Harry floated around with a gravity spell he'd cast on himself, placing everything exactly where and how he wanted. Every now and then, he would trail off and just stare at her as she hummed and tried different plates, decorations and stuff for the tables. Problem with that was that the spell lost stability if his focus went away, and he nearly fell more than once.
Hermione was too busy trying to find the perfect match that would go with the wall and ceiling decorations. Every so often, her thoughts would trail away to 1996 and 1997, when she and Harry were happy together, and then they would drift off to why they broke up and back to Ron and their fight.
Ron hadn't been able to go early to the reunion because he had a big case to settle with a Quidditch Team from Taiwan that wanted to team up with the British one so they could all play in the World Cup together. It was a first, but it was worth trying because they had a few very good players, namely a Keeper and two Chasers. But he didn't want Hermione to go and work with Harry all day; he'd tried to convince her to make Ginny (Head Girl of the '99 class) go instead with very little success.
Hermione, of course had told him that it wasn't likely and that he shouldn't worry. But he had his mind set on that and wouldn't let it go. Finally she had brushed him away and he'd blown up at that, telling her that she could sod off and go with whomever she wanted, and he'd walked away… It was the subject that had caused most of their fights, and he would still not let it go.
She came back to reality when a vase nearly slipped from her hands. Luckily, she had been quick enough to cast a suspending charm before the pale green vase hit the floor and she stared at it, frozen in mid-air, for the longest moment.
She studied the orange and brown colors of the flowers, and how they contrasted with the green of the leaves and the white of the smaller flowers that were sprinkled throughout the whole arrangement. She smiled and a terrible void took over her chest, pressing hard, almost too hard to breath.
Hermione didn't realize she had actually stopped breathing for a moment as the flowers reminded her of Harry… and Ron. The latter always gave her orange flowers, rather big ones, while Harry always kept it simple. More than once, Harry had given her a small bouquet of the little white flowers, adorned only by their respective leaves. She sucked in a breath without really noticing and a moment later felt a silent tear running down her cheek.
Harry heard a small gasp from where Hermione was standing and he turned to her, studying the woman he'd loved for so long; she was frozen in the spot, spaced out with some flowers in her hand. Carefully, Harry put the Gravity spell out, but his calculations failed and he fell on his arse a good four feet to the ground.
Hermione turned abruptly at the loud sound and frowned when seeing Harry wincing in pain and rubbing his behind. She had to contain the laughter as she hurried to him. "Harry! What in the nine hells!" she exclaimed and forgot she still had trails of tears down her cheeks.
Harry opened his eyes and forced a smile at her as she ran to him but it faded when he saw the wet paths on her pretty face. He willed himself out of his own pain and half-stood, for Hermione was half-kneeled besides him. "Mione, why are you crying?" he asked concerned, taking her gently by the shoulders.
She quickly shook herself from Harry's grasp and brushed her tears away, deliberately ignoring his calling her of their school nickname. "Nothing! I just- it was very funny, that's all," she said promptly.
He frowned again, not even realizing he'd called her by the name they used to treat each other when everything was fine between the three. "Hermione, you don't fool me, what's the matter?"
She yanked herself from where he was and turned around; fighting back the tears that were threatening to come again. "I told you! Nothing is wrong!"
"I can see through you, Hermione. Don't ever forget that…" he called from behind her, a little resentment in his voice. "I've always have," he added.
Hermione stopped in mid-step and looked ahead, the flow of tears immediately stopping. She wetted her lips and swallowed. "You're right, but I don't want to tell you, honestly," she said barely above whisper; only loud enough for Harry, who was a few feet away, to listen and then resumed her way out of the Great Hall.
Harry watched her go through the grand oak doors and blinked, sighing. "I knew something like this would happen…" he told himself and turned to Dobby and the rest of the house elves. "Guys, if you could please place the decorations all around the exact way they are here…" He pointed at the right hand wall. "I would appreciate it. And leave the white tablecloths, but add a square one on top. Oh, and put these flowers arrangements in the center or each table. We'll deal with the silverware and drinks later, all right?" he told them all and they nodded excitedly.
"Yes, Harry Potter, sir. You go after sir's girl," Dobby said gleefully and Harry glared at him but said nothing.
"Thank you Dobby," he said darkly.
"Uh… yes Harry Potter, sir. I'll make no mistake."
"I hope not," he replied and swiftly moved across the Great Hall and out the door. She probably was in her favorite spot; where she used to go every time they fought or when she just needed time to think, or duel over things, or anything of that sort.
Harry saw her slender form against the dying sunlight of early January and sighed. She was sitting on the white rock; the one she used when she was sad or disturbed and he didn't quite know if he wanted to know what got her like that, because it was most likely to be something to do with Ron.
It was no secret that they'd had gone through very rough times more than once; that's what you got when you'd been key part on the Final Battle against the Dark Side and when you'd invented, less than six months ago, a device to permit muggle artifacts in a magical environment.
Harry'd known that right after they left school and she and Harry were completely done (in theory), she had left Ron for about two months. Hermione had been staying with her cousin and he'd gone to see her in hopes of- he hadn't even known what he had expected that day. She'd blown him away quicker than the blink of an eye, and now, Harry realized, he'd had at least that one very much deserved… but still, that didn't justify-anyway.
After that breaking up, and Harry's little visit, Ron and Hermione had got back together and maintained a rather silent relationship for little over a year, when he'd left her after who knows what. And the last time they'd been said to break up had been just after Hermione's invention and prize; something along the lines of her not having enough time for her boyfriend and him getting mad and jealous about her going to several places by herself.
Harry trailed off all that as he reached his former girlfriend's place and made attempt to get closer, with little success. Instead, he just stared at her for a moment, pondering what to do.
"Will you just stand there, Harry?" Came Hermione's shaky voice, but it was obvious that she was trying to make it sound as an amused tone.
Harry opened his mouth to speak, but laughed instead. He'd been foolish when thinking she wouldn't notice him standing there. She'd always had that ability; Harry could never peek without the blasted woman knowing he was there. He chuckled at the memory and came to her side, sitting on the spot he'd always taken when trying to talk to her while in a similar situation.
He drew his knees to his chest and held them with both arms crossed over them, looking at the horizon; the chilly wind ruffling his hair even more. He shivered a little and pulled the collar of his cloak higher to block the wind. He looked at Hermione from the corner of his eyes and noticed she was shivering too; for a moment, he thought of putting his arms around her but thought better not to. Instead, he brought out her own cloak and offered it to her. "Thought you might need it," he said as nonchalantly as possible. If she wanted to tell him, she would; but if not, then he'd just stay there till she felt better or until the guests started arriving, in about an hour and a half… that had always worked as well.
Hermione took the cloak gratefully and wrapped herself around it, not able to help the smile at her former lover and best friend. "Always so precise…" she commented with a smile as she pulled the collar up too.
Harry chuckled. "Nah, just that we're in the middle of the winter and it's just what any gentleman would do…" he replied with a sweet smile, turning to her and finding her smiling yet sad eyes.
Hermione reached out her hand and patted his leg. "Thanks, Harry," she said softly.
He smiled back at her and placed his hand over hers. "Anytime. You know that," he replied, not really wanting to spoil the moment but having no choice. "So, do you want to- talk about what's bothering you?" he asked hesitantly.
She looked down and claimed back her hand. "You had to, didn't you?"
"Wouldn't be me otherwise, would I?" he asked, trying to keep the mood as casual as possible.
"You're right, you wouldn't. But I really wouldn't-"
"Don't- don't go there… please?" Harry asked pleadingly and Hermione nodded with a slight huff. "Thank you."
"You probably know, why would you want me to tell you?"
"Because… I want my former best friend to try and act civil with me and trust me with any problem she might have…" Harry argued.
Hermione sighed. "I guess you have a point there."
"So?"
"Ron and I had a terrible fight the other day. He left, dunno if he's coming back… dunno if I even want him to come back," Hermione said sadly.
First, Harry felt his heart being squeezed painfully, then a wave of relieve and then guilt, but he did quite a nice job when managing to not let any of it show. "Why?" Was all he asked.
"The usual…"
"And that is?"
"You," she simply answered, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
Harry was taken aback and it took him a couple moments to react. "Me? Why would he? Doesn't he know that I-?"
"Are engaged?" Hermione asked, with a little edge in her voice… a barely noticeable one.
Harry stopped short and then let out a breath. "Yes, engaged…" he said and somehow felt terrible when telling Hermione… his Hermione, that but he decided to brush it away for the sake of peace and his own mental welfare.
"Yes, he does know, but he still won't let it go!" she started in a frustrated voice that grew louder and more desperate with every phrase. "And I am tired of telling him that it's over, that you probably hate me!"
She was nearly screaming now and her eyes were pooling over. "That after what we did, that door was completely closed and, and that I- that I lost you last time-" she trailed off and covered her face with her hands, crying into them.
Harry stared at Hermione for a moment, not really knowing what to do. He finally hit on putting his arm around hers and rub them; a thing that somehow had always had a soothing effect on her. But she was inconsolable; she cried and said unintelligible words that went from "you deserved it" to "I'm so, so sorry," which Harry wisely decided to ignore while he slowly wrapped his arms around her and gathered her in a tight hug. "Shhhhh, shush baby, it'll be all right…" he said over and over again.
After several minutes of the same almost useless attempt, Hermione finally calmed down and looked up at Harry over slightly puffed eyes. "I- I'm sorry, Harry. I shouldn't have… I- I dunno what got into me!"
He shook his head repeatedly. "No, no, it's all right honey. You needed to let it out, and I-well, I just happened to be in the wrong pace at the wrong time," he said with a slight smile.
Hermione smiled. "You were always good to me…"
"So was Ron," Harry said, not really knowing why he was defending his former best male friend.
"Yes, but you-"
"Hermione, you chose him for a reason, and despite that it is hard to forgive, I can understand it. You're just saying these things because I'm here and he's not," Harry stated calmly but inside him was some weird feeling he couldn't really place. He thought of Lariana and felt terrible, but tried not to focus on that.
"I was mad, I was stupid… and so were you! Very much!"
"Yes, Mione, I was," Harry agreed with an inner eye roll. If only she'd known it all… Harry trailed off in his mind with a mix of dignity, lingering arrogance and remorse.
She stared at him for the longest moment and then her hand went up to his cheek, caressing it lightly. "I missed those eyes," she said with a chuckle.
Harry endeavored to grab her hand and just get it away from his face, because there were too many things at stake to blow it for one moment; Harry was sure she and Ron would make up soon enough, but instead his hand rested on hers and they locked gazes. "Hermione, I-"
"Please don't, Harry. Let me enjoy this moment."
He looked at her in an expression of longing and sadness. "You know I-"
"Yes, and you know I never really stopped-"
He stood up abruptly and looked away. "No, please don't do this to me," he said pleadingly, his heart breaking, and he turned around. "Don't you even dare say what you were going to… that is just plain mean."
She stood up with a gasp. "Harry, no! Please listen to me!"
He was starting to look away; this was seriously the last thing he'd ever expected, though it confirmed something he'd always wanted to know and that somehow made him feel a little better. He stopped at her words and turned around, looking at her sternly. "What, Hermione?"
She took a deep breath and finished wiping her face. "I never stopped loving you, but things just didn't work out for us… It probably was just- too much for either of us to handle!" she said quickly.
Harry fixed his eyes on her for a moment. "How can you say something like that?" he asked shaking his head.
"Something like what? You told me to be honest!" she defended.
"No, something like saying it just wasn't meant to be, that it just didn't work out for us?" he asked and took one step towards her. If one thing, he'd never doubted what she'd just said and despite it all, he had to make that clear.
"Well, you did this and I did that, and then we- and then you moved on. Apparently it really wasn't meant to be… and it hurts like hell to know that so much love was just- not enough," she finished.
"Love shall never be lost in thy pure eyes," Harry quoted a poetess Hermione liked very much. It wasn't a very renowned one, but she had liked her a lot… and to be honest, even though he wasn't much of a poetry man, he rather liked the woman.
Hermione looked up at her former lover and it seemed as if a freshly healed wound had been open again, air touching the open cut, caressing it gently, bitterly. "Harry…" she started but trailed off, getting lost in the words and in his brilliant emeralds. She started to stand on tiptoe, coming close to him.
Harry got lost in her brown eyes for a moment and saw her tormented yet strong soul through open glass. He put a hand on her cheek and smiled. "You were always-" he began and leaned closer to her.
"The one, it's a shame that we didn't-"
"Didn't have enough time," he whispered and could smell the fresh scent of her hair; he felt her skin crawling through his fingers and taking him over. The shape of her perfect lips; they had always been so perfect…
Before any of the two could notice, their mouths had claimed the other's as theirs, and it came so natural, that one would think none had had over four years apart from the other. As their arms started desperately to reach for the other, the two were whispering words none could make out, but they knew they were old lovers' words, remembered after so long.
After a minute, Harry stopped short… Hermione stopped short at the same time. They pulled apart and stared at each other in disbelieve. Harry's eyes were wide and he shook his head, repeating in his mind that he was engaged and that he loved the woman he was going to marry… but she isn't Hermione, his own head responded and he snapped at it.
Hermione swallowed, not able to believe that she'd let those feelings arise again… and even more; that she'd told Harry! The man was to announce his engagement that night and she'd just unveiled old feelings, not thinking at all of her boyfriend's or Harry's fiancée's. She bit her bottom lip and took a step back. "I- am terribly sorry, Harry!"
"Hermione. I- really don't know what to say, this shouldn't have happened," he stuttered.
"I'll- go greet the guests, all right?" she said and hurriedly went back to the castle.