Chapter 28- Alone
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But its home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone
My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone
James sat alone in the Heads Compartment, watching the rain fall against the window pane. Lily was with her friends, as well as his. After leaving Maimee's home, the group had managed to reach King's Cross. Maimee and Remus had sent a letter to Dumbledore, explaining the details of what had happened in Miami.
He was beginning to wonder if he was cursed. He had a severe murderer out for his blood and the girl of his dreams was blaming him. His friends were scared of him, not knowing when he would crack. So, James sat alone, leaving everyone alone to have their fun without him.
When had he become the loner?
He rarely went off on his own. This was his first train ride with only the company of his own thoughts. It was a horrible feeling knowing that your friends were cautious of your every move. Sirius had entered, offering his companionship. James had brushed him off.
He knew Sirius would always be there for him, yet this time, he wasn't sure if there was any hope left in the situation.
He wished that Voldemort had found him alone, with no one else. No Death Eaters, no Marauders, especially no Lily. Just the two of them. It would have been easier to die that way, in battle, defending only himself and not having to worry about the safety of others.
Did rational people think like this? Did they find comfort in fighting alone?
James sighed to himself. He had found himself in yet another glorious disaster. He didn't deserve anyone. Not Lily, not Sirius, not anyone. His stomach turned and he banged his head against the glass window.
.X.
Lily was listening to the laughter of her peers.
Sirius and Addison were playing Wizards Chess and the game kept falling on the ground when the train swerved. Everyone seemed to find it hysterical as Sirius tried to pick up the falling pieces.
Lily only felt herself grow more and more weary. Was the wizarding world worth it? She could just live with her family, go to normal school, and live a happy, normal life, without complications such as Voldemort… and James Potter.
No one had pressured her to answer their questions. They had all seen James' face as he had left Maimee's bathroom that dreadful day. She had seen the look in his eyes; the empty, abandoned look. She had seen that look every night in her dreams; it was haunting her. She kept awaking in tears, unable to stop the emotion.
The reasonable part of her brain kept pushing James away while her heart was yearning for him. He put her in danger but was the only one she could feel safe with. The love-hate she hated for so long was returning. Her body could not reach a compromise. It was impossible to hate James.
.X.
Lily left the compartment, leaving silence behind her. Sirius spoke up first.
"Where is she going?" he asked the others.
"Probably to cry in the bathroom. It's all she's been doing at Maimee's house," Addison said.
"What's wrong with her?" Peter asked.
"She misses James," Maimee said simply.
"Then why doesn't she talk to him?" Sirius, Remus and Peter asked the girls.
"Such men," Addison muttered. "She is scared. How many situations has she been in like that?"
"Um, none?" Sirius asked.
"Bingo," Maimee said. "She doesn't know what to do. She's trying to be sensible and resist temptation. So, she's confused and she cries about it."
"Not a very useful way to spend her time," Remus inquired.
"I feel bad for poor James," Addison said. "Did you see the look on his face after she told him that?"
"It was scary," Sirius said. "He looked rejected."
"Because he was!" Maimee said. "Lily had no right to just forget about him after this. He saved her life."
"She has a right," Addison said quietly.
"What do you mean?" Maimee and Sirius asked.
"She's strong. He didn't let her fight and she's upset with herself. She wants to be independent. Always has been," Addison said.
"I hope Prongs get through this," Sirius said.
"We all do," Addison softly whispered.
.X.
"Thank you for your information, Mr. Potter, Ms. Evans," Dumbledore said.
The two nodded their heads. They had been asked to re-encounter what had happened.
"So he didn't mention why he was after you, James?" the Headmaster asked.
James shook his head. He glanced at Lily, the first glance in a week. She was a mess, just as he felt.
"Well, thanks again. We'll look into this. If you need anything, Poppy would be more than willing to offer a peaceful sleeping drought," Professor Dumbledore said.
They nodded and left the office in silence. The two walked side by side down the empty halls. Everyone was at dinner while the two of them hadn't had much of an appetite.
"Are you hungry?" James asked her; the first words he had spoken in a long time. She shook her head.
"Me neither," he said quietly.
"Thanks anyways," she whispered.
"Anytime," he said.
"Listen Lily-" James started to say.
"Don't say it, Potter. I don't want to hear it," she said.
"No, Lily. I am not going to let you go on hating me when I did nothing wrong. I protected you, something I was raised to do in times of danger. It's not my fault you showed up in Miami," James said, his voice rising.
"What do you mean? You two had to have shown up because you knew Addison and I were going to be there. You can't possibly believe it was a coincidence," Lily said.
"I may feel things for you, Evans, but obsession is not one of them. My mum sent us down there. And like I said before, it was not my fault. So, I don't know what your problem is," James said.
"I am tired of you being the hero, James. When am I ever going to learn for myself?" Lily asked.
"Why don't you go and find him, Lily. Go find Voldemort. Prove yourself worthy. I guarantee you won't escape alive. Not many have. You wanted to fight him alone? You would have died. I couldn't let that happen," James said.
"You know what Potter? I am tired of this. Why do I always have to feel something because you do too. When am I going to be able to willingly have my own feelings. You like me, sure. So you feel you have to win me over. I am tired of being a prize, James. Let me live on my own," Lily said, crying.
She ran down the hall, leaving James standing alone, once again.
I think I'm cracking up
Like I've lost my mind
I hurt myself again
Still don't know why
I end up the same way
Each and every time
I cant avoid the truth
There's just nowhere to run and hide