Chapter 8- Are You Happy Now?
Lily's POV
He'd gotten to me and he knew it. I went to my room and I knew that I had been wrong this time. All those times I could honestly say that 99% of the time Potter was to blame, but this time I overreacted. I knew it, he knew it. Of course, both of us were too proud to confront each other about it.
Never in my life had I honestly heard James Potter speak so deeply on a subject. It made me wonder. Did he think like that often? Was there a tiny chance that James Potter was an actual human being? Of course there was a chance if you wanted to be literal about it, but never had I imagined that he had a heart. Did he hide his feelings away and keep them locked up in a deep, dark chamber? I don't exactly know how that feels.
Well, maybe I do. Now that I think about his words, his words of passion, maybe I have been denying our incredible determination, our incredible chemistry. I don't think about him often, but living with him pretty much eliminates a chance of ignoring him. He's right. I have never in my life fought so hard with somebody in my life. Never. He is the only one who causes me so much torment. But normally, wouldn't that be considered a bad thing?
Is he honestly expecting me to forget six years worth of his behavior, and finally give him the chance he feels he deserves? I can't do that. It would go against all my morals, all my standards. Dating James Potter is the epiphany of my hell. I can't imagine ever coming home to him and feeling his arms wrap around me like a blanket. As I have said before, I am looking for the real thing, not some bogus one-shot fling.
You don't take risks.
Don't I? Don't we all? Wasn't I just proving his point by not going out with him? I don't take risks. I am the definition of a prude.
Why couldn't we just go along hating each other? It made life so much simpler. Now his lopsided grin and unruly black hair are always in my mind and it makes me want to throw something. I hate it. He makes me so angry. Angry beyond belief. He feels that just because he's good at something that he has to rub it in. Sure, he said he wanted to "help" me. But really, isn't that just another way of him showing me he is better at something.
I have tried so hard to fit in since I came to Hogwarts. I don't need help. I have to prove to everyone that I'm just as good because I'm a Muggleborn. Asking for help would just deflate the already bruised Muggle name. Of course he doesn't understand that as he's pureblooded and it worshipped by everyone. I don't have those luxuries.
I have to stick it out for my kind. My blood. Damn Salazar Slytherin for creating all this hype about pure blood. It drives me insane sometimes. I have to live up to the standards James Potter and Sirius Black set. I have to work hard to try and even come close to their reputation. I had to work for my position as Head Girl, unlike James. But, maybe he did have to work. I don't hang around him, how am I supposed to know whether he studies? And wouldn't he have failed if he hadn't done any homework?
Damn the thought of Potter working. The only time he even remotely tries to work is on the Quidditch field, and where is that going to take him? To be an out of shape ex-Quidditch player who can say he had some glory in his teens. That's not the sort of ambition I pride myself on.
He wonders why I won't give him a chance. I see people's good qualities, I really do. Potter just brings the bitch out of me. I feel like his bad qualities surpass his good and that is not the sort of person I want to fall in love with.
I hope he's happy. I hope he knows how much I hate our fights. I hate them. I hate being so rude to someone. The fact that it's him doesn't make it any better. I wanted to be nice, I really did, but some sort of anger fills in me when I hear his name, when I feel his touch, when I hear his voice, when I see his face. I just feel so upset that someone like that could possibly think they know me. He doesn't.
Perfect? Lily Evans? Ha. I wish. If I was perfect I wouldn't have as many messed up thoughts. I wouldn't be failing Transfiguration. I wouldn't have to deal with Potter. I wouldn't feel such anger?
But isn't that the passion he was talking about?
A/N: Please review