Chapter 32-Anything But Ordinary
Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive
Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
"Prongs, is my left buttock larger than my right buttock?" Sirius asked, examining his rear end in the
mirror.
Remus sat on the bed, reading a new book while James sat upon his old bed, raising his eyebrows at Sirius. Peter was snoring in the his own bed, dead to the world.
"Padfoot, what on Earth provoked you to do such a thing?" James asked, purely disgusted.
"Well, we're not doing anything else to consume my time. You know I have a short attention span, Prongs. Look at Moony over there reading a book. You're yelling at my use of time? I mean, seriously, he's reading a book!" Sirius said, still looking at his rear in the mirror.
"I know, I know. I can't help it if he acts like he's ninety one years old. Sirius, you need to stop looking at your arse though, it could get stuck like that," James said.
"Stuck like what exactly?" Sirius asked. "So it is bigger than the other! I knew it. Thanks Prongs. I'll have to write to Witch Weekly. They'll know what to do."
At this, Remus put down his book. He slowly walked over to Sirius, nodding at James to do the same.
"Padfoot, I want you to know that I'm here for you in this distressing time. As your friend, I feel it important to inform you of this terrible and shocking fact," Remus said, choosing his words and putting emphasis on them. He knew Sirius had a fragile mind.
"You're not a witch," he said.
"I know that," Sirius said. He took one last look at himself in the mirror, muttering something along the lines of, 'So this is why I have a fan club,' and he looked for a scrap piece of parchment.
"How do you think I should address it? Dear Witch Weekly? To whom it may concern?" Sirius asked, looking for advice from his friends.
"Now, Sirius, we're here for you mate. You may be experiencing something of the nature of an identity crisis. It's normal for a boy your age," James said.
"Um, Prongs," Remus said. "No, it's not."
"Shh," James said, clasping hands on Sirius's ears. "He may be delicate, but he is not deaf!"
James released his hands and continued speaking to Sirius.
"Where did you get this magazine that you refer to as, Witch Weekly?" James asked.
"Oh, Addy was raving on about her sister was ordering subscriptions for her. So, instead of discouraging her, we took a peek together. She found it rather boring but I thought it was captivating, enticing, and miraculous," Sirius said.
"What has she done?" James asked, falling to the ground. "Mackenzie McKinnon must be penalized for her serious lack of judgment. That Addison McKinnon will get it too. Those conniving she-males. They're turning our precious Padfoot into one of- them," James said, hissing the last word.
"We can fix this," Remus said. He took the parchment away from Sirius and stared him blankly in the eyes.
"If you want, we can turn you into a girl. It's been done before. Do you really want to visit with your little friend called PMS again?" Remus asked him.
Sirius's eyes got wide and scared. He shook his head rapidly.
"Not the curse, not the curse, not the curse," Sirius chanted.
"This is not what I call fixing the problem, Moony," James said. "Now he's a raving lunatic."
"I can't help it if that's the way he naturally is," Remus said.
"Anyone up to some Quidditch? We can work out. Lift weights, drink Firewhiskey, play cards. Anyone? Anyone? We can sit around burping and shaving and snogging girls in broom closets," Sirius said, rambling off activities in which they could do.
"You're an absolute genius," James said. "I almost doubted his masculinity for a moment."
"My masculinity?" Sirius questioned. "You can't keep up with my masculinity. It's on fire. It's flaming, it's hot. It's burning this school down."
"Fire?" Peter asked, getting up from his slumber.
"Go back to bed Wormtail," James said. "Sirius set himself on fire."
"What a lunatic," Wormtail muttered before going into another fit of snoring.
Sirius started screaming, "Watch out for my masculinity," as he ran down the stairs. James and Remus followed.
The girls were sitting in the Common Room, Lily catching up with Maimee while Addison sat on the couch, hunched over Witch Weekly.
"Stupid witches," Addison muttered, flipping through the incessant material.
She turned to see Sirius running down the stairs, screaming about being on fire. Before she knew it, he had pounced on her and lunged into passionate kisses.
Lily turned to James with a smirk and said, "Why can't you ever be like that?"
Sirius got off of Addison, saw what was in her hand, and threw it on fire.
"Now my femininity is on fire," he said.
.X.
"I have called this meeting in order to take revenge on the cunning soul of a certain blonde whom I was so stealthily trapped," Sirius said.
Remus, Addison, and Sirius were in the Room of Requirement once more. They were not here as Team Lily/James but had set out for a new mission; one in which Sirius was about to introduce.
"I call it Mission Mac/Mc," Sirius said.
"Mac/Mc?" Addison asked.
"Oh yes, Addy. We're going after family now," Sirius said.
"What in the blazes are you talking about?" Remus asked.
"I am talking about the President of the Sirius Black Fan Club. I am talking about the number one subscriber to Witch Weekly. I am talking about the infamous Mackenzie McKinnon," Sirius said.
"She'll be thrilled you were even talking about her at all," Addison said.
"That is not the point," Sirius said. "She almost risked my masculinity by subscribing you to those magazines."
"What do you intend we do about it?" Remus asked.
"I don't know," Sirius said. "It took me a while to figure out the name. Addy's always been the better one at planning."
"Count me out," Addison said.
"Me as well," Remus said. The two of them were ready to leave when Sirius threw himself in front of the door.
"I need you two," Sirius pleaded. "You're the stamina to my brain. You're the soul of my waffle. You're the Moaning to my Myrtle."
"Moaning to your Myrtle?" Addison asked.
"I know, it was quite good wasn't it?" Sirius asked, grinning at his own cleverness.
"I like you Sirius, but our days as a threesome are over," Addison said. Remus nodded.
"Fine," Sirius shouted. "I'll find someone who is way more dependable than you two."
.X.
"So what do you say, Myrtle?" Sirius asked.
"I say you're full of waffle," Moaning Myrtle said, diving into the toilet.
"Oi! Peeves," Sirius sang, as he exited the girls bathroom.
A/N: I personally like that chapter. It's the goofy, stupid ones I prefer; you all may not feel that way. Sirius is my favorite to write. So, the next couple chapters are silly. Please review