Chapter 15: Mothers and Madness
"Are you going to the funeral?"
James asked Lily the question hesitantly, afraid that it would make her start to cry again. They were sitting in the Gryffindor common room the same day, both of them having decided skipped classes. Well, James thought, for him it was a decision, but Lily hadn't even paused to think twice about it. Lily was leaning on him, and James was aware of her head on his shoulder, though the nervousness that her touch had once prompted was now replaced with a pleasant tingling.
"I don't know," she said thickly. "I suppose."
"You don't have to. That's what the letter said."
"No. I…I think I have…but I don't…" Lily sniffed, and James had to struggle to keep from stroking her hair comfortingly.
"D'you want me to go with you?"
"Don't ask me," she moaned, turning her head so it was buried completely in his shoulder. "I don't know. I d-don't know anything."
"Time for bed," James said briskly, hoisting her up with a small amount of regret.
"I just slept, James," Lily replied, but she had to stifle a yawn as she did so.
"Goodnight, Lily," he said, pushing her forward.
"G-goodnight," she yawned, hugging herself and climbing up the stairs. James watched her go and, after the door had closed, he looked at the letter, which he had brought along and was now lying on the couch. He picked it up and read it again.
"Damn letter," he muttered for lack of anything else to say. He threw it down, then ran up to his own dormitory and began to rummage through his trunk. After a moment he found what he'd been looking for; his two-way mirror.
"Sirius," he hissed. A faint tremor went through the mirror, but no face appeared.
"Sirius, I know you're there!"
After a moment, Sirius's face appeared, looking extremely annoyed.
"James," he said stiffly.
"Are you in class?" James couldn't tell from what little appeared besides Sirius's face if he had placed a silencing charm around him or if he was skiving.
"Yes."
"Look, don't be an arse--"
"You already said that," Sirius said. "Why don't you go talk to Evans, you two seem to be enjoying a romantic day of skiving--"
"Her mum just died, you bastard."
"Oh." Sirius's facial expression flickered, and in that moment James could see that he felt guilty.
"Listen, I need your help."
"What for?"
"I--look, can you get out of there?"
"Depends."
James glared at him, and Sirius sighed.
"I didn't really feel like listening to McGonagall today anyway…"
"Good chap." James grinned at him, and Sirius's face disappeared.
Not a quarter of an hour later, Sirius was standing before him proudly, flicking an invisible speck of dust from his robes.
"I must say, James, even you would have believed me," he boasted. "You should have seen McGonagall's face when I acted like I was going to vomit on her, it was classic."
"I'm sure it was."
"Now, what's all the fuss about?"
"I--It's a girl."
Sirius rolled his eyes.
"That's it?"
"Could you pretend to care for a second?"
"No. Her mum died, you haven't got a chance."
"I know but--wait." James narrowed his eyes at him. "How did you--"
"Well, you told me her mum died."
"But how did you know who--"
"You idiot, I've been saying you fancied her for weeks now."
"But I didn't--I--"
"Shut up. You're thick, and I know you more than you do."
A slow smile spread over James's face.
"You bastard."
"Don't say such nice things. I already said you haven't got a chance."
"Why not?"
"James, you insensitive git, her mum is dead."
"I know, I know." James began to pace and run a hand through his hair. He usually did it when he was lying, but was finding himself doing it more and more often to replace smoking.
"It's not like I don't care," James said after a long time. "I care a hell of a lot, it bothers the shit out of me. But I--damn it, I really--I really fancy her."
Sirius looked mildly surprised.
"Never heard you say that before."
"Never said it before," James muttered. He sat down on his bed and sighed heavily.
"This is pathetic," Sirius said. "Evans? Are you sure? She's friends with Snivellus and feeds House Elves sugar cookies! Forget that she's mad!"
"I like her," James said. "And I doubt she feeds House Elves sugar cookies."
Sirius gave him a look that clearly said that nothing should be put past Lily Evans.
"Please, Sirius?"
"I'm not saying I won't," Sirius said grudgingly. "But I want to make sure you're sane first."
"I am," James said, and he started to laugh, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. For the first time since he'd met her, he felt that he and Sirius were on the same side as far as she was concerned, and he was pleased that he would finally be able to mention her name without feeling like he was stepping into enemy territory.
"I still don't approve of her, I hope you know. I just don't want to see you a lonely virgin when you're 90 years old."
James felt that perhaps he'd expected too much too soon from him.
***
That evening, Lily finally came out of her dormitory, looking a good deal calmer. James looked up from his book, and as soon as she saw him she headed over, ignoring the small amount of people who tried to talk to her.
"Are you alright?" he asked her.
Lily regarded him for a moment, then said,
"No. But I can breathe again, I think." Her face contorted, as though she was about to start crying again, but her face quickly resume its normal position. She bit her lip and seemed to be fighting to keep her composure.
"Oh." James looked down at his hands. He didn't know what to say. Finally he asked, awkwardly,
"Are you hungry? D'you want something to eat?" He winced as he said it. What the hell was he doing asking her a question like that? She shook her head, a shadow of a smile appearing.
"I--I'm going to talk to Severus. I suppose he should know, as he's my best friend, right?" James felt a bit annoyed, in spite of himself, that she still considered Snape to be her best friend. However, he nodded and smiled at her.
"Right. Er--well, I hope he…well, never mind." James nodded again and turned back to his book.
"James?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you." As she breathed it out in a rush, she clasped her arms around his neck.
"I didn't do anything," James grunted, trying to ignore the flip-flopping sensation in his stomach.
"Even though I always say Severus is my best friend, I really do think you're the best friend anyone could ask for." She pulled away, tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'll be going now."
"Lily, it's fine," James said. "I don't--" He couldn't think of how to say what he was thinking. Finally, he said, weakly, "Anytime."
A real smile lit up Lily's face, dimples and all.
"I know."
"And--Remus. Remus knows, his mum died, and if you want, you two could--" `Could what?' a voice in his voice asked, `Talk about their mums being dead?' James quickly changed tactics, "Just don't--don't say sorry."
"Thank you," she said again, and with that she left.
"Poor kid," Hestia said at his shoulder. "I heard about her mum."
"How long have you been there?" James asked, alarmed.
"Long enough to know I won't make fun of you two. Not today, anyway."
"Where's Charlie?"
"Dumbledore's office," Hestia said, her face solemn. "You know all those attacks on muggles lately?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Charlie thinks--and I do too--that we should do something about it."
James gave her a skeptical look.
"What the hell can a bunch of kids do?"
"A hell of a lot!" Hestia said angrily. "I'm tired of being told that we can't do things because we're too young! I think some of those so-called adults have shit for brains, and it's time some smart people stood up to that bastard!"
"How?"
"I dunno," Hestia said, deflating, "I think Charlie has ideas, but he wants to discuss them with Dumbledore first." She began to fiddle with a gold bracelet that James had never noticed before.
"Where'd you get that?"
"Oh, this? Charlie gave it to me." Hestia smiled, and it caught James off guard with how tender it was.
"You--so you've been dating him a long time?" James didn't know why he asked, but it seemed a subject she was happy to latch upon.
"At least a year. And don't even tell me I'm too young." Her expression turned fierce. "Everybody always acts as though I don't know anything about how I feel, but I do."
"And you fancy him?"
"I love him," Hestia said proudly. She showed James the bracelet, and he caught a brief glimpse of a gold chain with a heart shaped charm on it. She pulled her wrist back and smiled smugly.
"I don't suppose any other boy in the universe has bought their girlfriend jewelry just because he fucking thought she'd like it. At least no boy who hasn't got money flying out of the seat of their pants," she said. "And can you believe my arse of a mum doesn't think I should speak to him anymore?"
"Yeah, I can," James said, thinking of his own mother.
"She wrote me this--this stupid letter," Hestia continued heatedly, "about how I'm effing growing up too fast… I hate her."
James opened his mouth, then closed it. He was, for what seemed the hundredth time, at a loss for words. Before today, he would have agreed wholeheartedly with her and expressed how much he hated his mother, but after seeing how torn apart Lily was at losing her mum, he didn't really know that he did. After all, he was sure that he'd be almost as distraught if his mum died.
At that moment, Charlie came in through the portrait hole and ambled up to Hestia, his expression defeated.
"We're too young."
Hestia made a loud sound of annoyance and buried her head into his neck.
"Why?" she cried, her voice muffled. Charlie patted her on the back.
"Dumbledore might be right, Hes," he said soothingly. "After all, we still have school."
"I'll quit school!" came her reply, though it sounded weak.
"Really?" Charlie asked. "Then you won't have me."
"So? You can quit too!"
"No, thanks. I'll finally be able to date the twenty girls who want me."
"Shut up, you dolt," Hestia said, hugging him.
"James can join, though," Charlie said, turning to look at him. James straightened in his chair.
"I can join what?"
"It's some order to help out against You-Know-Who. Did you tell him about…" He trailed off and looked at Hestia expectantly. She nodded, and Charlie turned back to James.
"Well, Dumbledore's been thinking along the same lines as Hes and I have, and he's going to ask people like you and Evans to join a…well, I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's against You-Know-Who, isn't it? Interested?"
James hesitated, then said,
"Yeah, I am." He felt something swelling in his chest, a mixture of excitement and fear at the very thought of it. Charlie looked like he would have liked to say more, but at that moment Hestia said,
"Let's go eat, I'm starving."
"One second." Charlie turned back to James and grinned widely.
"Brilliant Quidditch lately. I don't suppose that I might be able to get on the team?"
James shook his head.
"Not until next year."
Charlie shrugged.
"Never mind. Not worth it if the only decent player who'll be left is Ludo Bagman. Never met a bigger bastard." Charlie shook his head and joined Hestia, who had taken a few steps. He laced his fingers with hers, and giving her a look that spoke of affection much more mature than James would have expected, he pulled her after him.
James couldn't help feeling foolish that he was jealous of a pair of third years.
***
"I hate him."
James was jolted awake by this furious proclamation. He had managed to finish all the reading he needed for Potions, and had dozed off while waiting, as discreetly as possible, for Lily to come back. Now the common room was deserted, and James was surprised to see that the one who had uttered the angry words was Lily herself. Her eyes were glowing eerily, and her hair seemed to actually be aflame.
"What?"
"I hate Severus Snape," she said, her voice high pitched. "You were right, I can't--how could you have been right about him?"
"Lily, what--"
"I don't understand," Lily said despairingly, sinking into the armchair next to him. "Why…How could he just…"
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"I told him how my mum died, and he just--he didn't--he asked me why I'd interrupt him just for--" She started to breathe heavily, to the point where she was nearly hyperventilating. James put out a hand to support her, but she ignored it.
"I've been friends with him longer than anyone," she said. "And I've told him all sorts of things about my family. But--but now, after all th-the time w-we've known each other, wouldn't he--wouldn't you think he would care that my mummy… my mum…"
"He didn't care?"
"HE DIDN'T FUCKING CARE!" Lily screamed it, making James jump. Lily started to laugh maniacally, then gasped and stopped, clutching her head.
"Oh God, I'm going mad," she whispered. "I can't do this, they'll--James, am I mad, please tell me I'm not, maybe everyone's right, and I`ve never cursed before, but I just did, and--"
"You're not mad," James said, feeling a little frightened and not having any idea of what to do.
"I don't know," Lily said softly, glancing at the stairs to the dormitories as though afraid she`d woken everybody up. "Because I've never felt like this, it's like the world's pressing too far in, and I feel like I'll explode if I have to feel it for one more second. I've never--I've never wished I was dead," she continued, "but I'm so close to that, and I--"
"Lily, shut up," James said suddenly. "You're not mad, and I'm here, and just because Snape is a bloody fucking arse doesn't mean that people--I won't let you, I swear I won't."
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Don't be."
"But I am, anyway."
James was quiet for a long time, then said,
"At least you're talking. When Remus's mum died, he didn't talk. He wouldn't say anything about it for a week."
"I should be like that. I'll drive everyone mad with my crying and whining."
"Don't be an idiot."
"I won't if you don't let me."
"I won't."
They sat in silence for a long time, in which they both yawned and were illuminated by the crackling fire. Finally, one of them, though James couldn't remember which of them it was the next morning, got up, prompting the other to do the same, and they went their separate ways.
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