Chapter 19: A Dinner and a Confession
Meet me at eight tonight. Whatever you do, don't eat dinner!
-Lily
It was James's birthday and he was skiving again (much to Sirius's disgust-- "I am not doing your homework for you, and neither is Moony," he'd said indignantly), so when he received the owl in his dormitory he'd been alone. He watched the barn owl fly away, and then he continued to stare at the scenery outside the window. The sun was bright and reflecting off of the layer of snow that already accumulated on the ground. He liked the snow, and the fact that it was there, along with a clear sky, seemed almost as though the world was celebrating his birthday with him.
He looked away from the window and down at the paper again. He'd only received one other note from Lily, the one telling him to meet her in the astronomy tower that she'd given to him on the first day of school. Back then, he had simply crumpled the letter up. Now he studied this letter, trying to memorize Lily's handwriting. It was messy, made worse by the fact that she was obviously in a hurry when she wrote it. He considered keeping it, but then shook his head. He knew he fancied her, but keeping her letters? James knew that that was pathetic, and he quickly threw it on The Floor.
Once things landed on The Floor--which others might have simply called the floor, but not the Marauders, who knew better--generally they didn't come back again. He watched with mild regret as he watched the note fall, knowing that it would end up coming to the same demise as countless numbers of Remus's sweaters, Sirius's dungbombs, and Peter's homework. At least, that was where Peter claimed his homework went. The rest of them never bothered to tell him that they knew better.
He turned back to what he was doing--studying Remus's notes of all the prefect meetings. After getting over the initial shock that somebody actually took notes, he'd insisted upon looking at them. He was glad for the welcome distraction of Lily's owl, though, because he'd been reading the same line for the tenth time and was just moments away from falling asleep. After realizing that the effort would be no more successful now than it had been two minutes before, he threw the notes down, though he was careful to make sure they did not fall to The Floor. He got up and started pacing the room, running a hand through his hair.
That morning, Sirius had begun eagerly rattling off all the things they'd do for James's party--much to Peter's dismay, as he watched how much more excited Sirius got over this birthday than he had over Peter's. James had grinned and nodded, but he knew, deep down, that he didn't want a party. He'd decided several years ago that birthdays weren't very important, at least not his own. It had been Sirius and Sirius alone who'd kept that particular tradition alive, and he found, for the first time, that he rather dreaded going to his own birthday party. The idea of getting drunk and having to make a thousand excuses for the steam pouring out of his ears just made his stomach turn.
He'd much rather just make a quiet dinner with Lily and skip the party altogether.
As soon as the thought crossed his mind, he knew it wasn't even worth thinking about. He couldn't do that. He and Sirius had just made up, and he didn't need anyone tell him that that would make him look like a first class bastard. It wouldn't just make him look like one--it would simply make him one.
"I am not a first class bastard," he said aloud. He pulled his hand away from his hair, and began gripping around for something in his pocket. He didn't know what it was until he pulled a cigarette from his pocket. He held it idly in his fingers. It had been almost three days since his last one, and as soon as he saw it, he was overwhelmed with the need to have it. A tiny voice in his head told him that he didn't want to, that he would have to explain to Lily about it, but he found that it got smaller and smaller as he stared at it. He jammed it back into his pocket, hoping that by putting it away he'd stop wanting it, but it was too late. He could practically feel it burning a hole in his pocket. The next thing he knew, it was lit and in his mouth, and he breathed deeply as a calm relief washed over him. Without even thinking about it, he smoked a second one, and it wasn't until his third one that he realized what he was doing.
"Shit!" he said. He opened the window, threw the half smoked cigarette out, then stuck his own head through the window. He was overcome with guilt, thinking of how Lily would react if she knew. He didn't know if she'd remember to ask, because she hadn't been lately, but he couldn't get rid of the paranoid little feeling that she knew whenever he did smoke. He shook his head and concentrated only on what was happening here and now, knowing that he'd have time for guilt later when he ran out on his own party to make dinner with Lily. The cool air whipping around his head was a welcome relief from the sun-warmed dormitory, and he let out a small sigh. Guilt or not, it was a beautiful day.
***
At eight o'clock, James managed to slip away from his own birthday party after telling Sirius that he was out for a bit of air. Sirius, who was on his third firewhisky, smiled and winked jovially. When he got to the kitchen, Lily was already there, all of the ingredients set out on one of the long tables that stood there and several of the brass pots and pans that were usually heaped around the stone walls placed neatly before her.
"You're here!" she said. "Good! The house-elves are making the cake, because I know that Sirius wants you back at your party soon, and we're going to make vegetable soup." Seeing how he looked around for the hundred or so elves that were usually there at his beck and call when he visited the kitchen, Lily said,
"I told them they didn't have to help. I didn't want you to cheat and get them to do it for you."
"Will I even like this?" he asked, knowing that he would.
"What sort of question is that?"
James smiled and shook his head, then helped Lily prepare the many ingredients she poured into a giant brass pot. She made sure to delegate the job of onion slicing to herself.
"I'm capable of doing that, you know," James said resentfully.
"I know. But it's a birthday treat for you."
A silence settled over them, and James found himself remembering when they had done this at Lily's house, when her mother had been there. What if this was a mistake to be doing this so soon? He glanced over at Lily, but while she looked sad and happened to be chopping onions, she wasn't crying. James decided that if she could cut onions and not cry, that couldn't mean anything bad. He broke the silence by saying,
"Did you get me a present?"
Lily gave him a smile.
"You'll see after dinner."
He liked how that sounded like something his mother would say to his father. It reminded him of when he was small, before he resented his mother.
The soup was finished in half an hour, and though James had been enticed by the rich smell, he still found himself amazed when he took the first sip. He burnt his tongue on the hot soup, but he barely noticed, saying proudly,
"This is really good!"
"Mmhmm."
"I mean it really is. It's like a house-elf would make!"
"…I'll assume that that's a compliment."
"It is. Damn, this is good!" Lily smiled, though she barely took any herself. When James gave her a questioning glance, she said, simply, "I'm not very hungry."
After dinner was finished, five small house-elves brought in a giant platter with an enormous chocolate cake on it. As they set it down on the table, James could see that there were eighteen red and gold candles on it.
"Happy birthday, Mr. Potter!" they all exclaimed in various tones of squeakiness. After Lily quietly thanked them, she lit the candles with a wave of her wand, then warbled a rather off-key version of `Happy Birthday'. When she finished with a rather drawn out `happy birthday to youuuu.', James said, grinning,
"That was terrible, you know."
Lily glared.
"Thank you very much, Mr. Potter. Your criticism only reaffirms your own lack of confidence in yourself."
"No, you're really terrible."
Lily picked up a giant knife and cut into the cake with an unnecessary amount of force, which made James shut his mouth quickly. Once she'd cut his slice, she said,
"Now you get three wishes."
"Three wishes? That's fu-- messed up. You only get one for birthdays."
"From your cake, yes. But your three wishes are things I can give you. You know, like a gift? I didn't have much time to get you something, and while I will buy you something later, this is something I can do for you today."
"Oh, so I can't wish for a harem of veelas?"
"What?" Lily had been idly spreading the frosting on the cake to make it smoother, but when she heard this, she looked up slowly, eyes wide.
"Er--never mind. Stupid thing that--"
"Did you say a harem of veelas?"
"No."
"Yes you did!" Lily was smiling, though it was one that was torn between amusement and disbelief. "I'm really…goodness, James, a harem? What would you do with--never mind, don't answer, please don't answer." Lily turned deep red and looked back down at the cake.
"Joke! It was a joke!" James yelped. He didn't want Lily to think…well, he didn't want her to know about the harem fantasy. He just wanted to seem impressive and idealistic to her, not a womanizer.
"I know," Lily said, her blush beginning to fade. "You might want to hurry though, Sirius'll be upset if you don't go back to your party soon."
"Who cares?"
"You do."
"Whatever." James rolled his eyes, and he began to think of what he could ask Lily for. He didn't want to ask her to buy him anything--honestly, what could she give him? He couldn't wish for a kiss or something of that nature because he wasn't that brave and she didn't seem ready. He realized that the only thing that she had that he wanted was in her head. He had questions to ask, and he began to grin as he realized he might get the answers to things that had been floating in his head begging to be asked for weeks and weeks.
"Er-- alright. First wish is…tell me what you were thinking about the day of your mum's funeral, out on my porch?"
As soon as he said it, he wished he could take it back. She visibly deflated, and he began to think that perhaps she hadn't told him for a reason.
"Unless, you know, you don't want to tell me, which then--er--sorry, never mind, I--"
"No, it's fine," Lily said softly. Her eyes were free from tears. She took his slice of cake off the platter and put it into a plate that one of the house-elves had put on the table, then handed it to him.
"I thought of a lot of things. Any particular part you want to hear?"
"Anything you don't mind telling."
"Well…I was thinking a lot about how I was being sort of selfish about my mum. She'd be one of those people who would have gotten mad over people crying over her. Which of course, makes me want to cry even more." Her forehead crinkled into a frown. "But after a while, you just can't cry. Stiff upper lip, you know."
"It's only been a few weeks. You don't have to--"
"I want to, though. Not forget her, but sort of honor her more. Crying is just something I do for myself, and I can't feel sorry for myself, there's too many other people that need my sympathy. Especially now with people like…well, people like Severus, I suppose."
James took a bite of his cake, and noticed that Lily hadn't taken any for herself. He didn't try to question her further, either about her eating or what she'd been thinking. He was almost afraid to shake her out of her dreamlike state, but she continued of her own accord.
"And then, of course, there was you."
His heart began to pound faster, as he realized that she had no idea what she was going to say. He wanted to imagine that she would confess her fancy for him right then and there, leaving him only the happy duty of kissing her. But it just as easily could have been that she wanted to get away from him, that she didn't like that she was spending more and more time with him and making him her best friend.
"Really," he managed to croak. He put his fork down, his appetite waning.
"And I feel really, really horrible. Because I realize now that when we first met I was completely unfair to you."
"How?" He was genuinely bewildered.
"I…well, I was trying to change you. You knew that, you were right when you called me a--an effing shrink. I tried to be grown up, and I'm not grown up, not at all." James stared at Lily in disbelief.
"You're more grown up than I am," he stated bluntly.
"How so?"
"You gave Snape a chance when nobody else would."
"Because I was stupid."
"Because you were fair. And you told me to stop smoking, and it's really bad for me, and I'm trying to quit, and--"
"You're rambling, dear."
"--And you're more fucking grown up than anyone I know, because you can still smile when people call you the m-word." There were a million more things James wanted to say, but Lily silenced him with a bitter smile.
"Sometimes naivety can be misconstrued for intelligence."
"And that's not a grown up thing to say?"
Lily rolled her eyes.
"That's not the point. The point is, I like you just the way you are. Even if you smoke and curse and have horrible birthday parties where everyone gets drunk, you're still the nicest boy I know, and it was terrible of me to try to change you to make it more obvious."
James couldn't resist a smile. I like you just the way you are. The warmth in that gave him hope, and it made him feel that he could tell her right then exactly what he thought of her. The moment passed with silence, and he realized, suddenly, that the time to say it had come and passed. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated.
"Well, that was the first wish," Lily said. "Second one."
"What? Oh, right. Second wish. Er. Halloween. Did you eat the sweets or not?"
Lily looked him straight in the eye.
"I had a bite. Make of that what you will." She kept her eyes steadily on his, and it was as though she was urging him to realize what that meant--or as though she dreaded what would happen if he did.
"You were the same as you always are, though."
"Mm. Third wish."
James felt like an idiot for not quite getting what it meant. He felt as though he should, and something told him that he knew what it meant, but there were no words that he could think to phrase it with.
"You told me that you fancied me since fifth year because of some personality that you picked out for me. And you couldn't tell me then if it was the same as mine or different, but you could now, so…was it?" His heart was pounding as he asked the question, screaming at him that this could be the end of everything that had been built between them in the past three months. Lily frowned and sucked in her breath.
"You're asking very difficult questions, aren't you?"
"You only get birthday wishes once," James said weakly. Lily sat in quiet for such a long time that he began to get worried.
"Are you mad at me? I can go if you--"
"Some parts are the same," Lily said slowly. "There's…well, I always imagined you as kind, for one thing. And you're smart, too. But…" As soon as she said `but' his heart dropped. How could she say `but'? It wasn't one of those `but's where a person confessed that you were a thousand times better than what they imagined, it was a `but' that said, well, sorry, but you're really not the sort I fancy, after all.
"You're really quite different than what I imagined. Very much. I think that at the beginning I was trying to turn you into the personality I picked out for you, which, as I've already said, is something I regret doing."
"So you like me better than you liked me before, then?" There it was. He'd practically admitted it to her.
"No, not really."
His heart sank to the bottom of his stomach, and he felt like she had just slapped him. Lily must have seen this too, because she said,
"James, no, it's not--"
"I understand," he said, smiling falsely as he thought of all the different ways he'd try to avoid her. He'd never be able to look up in History of Magic, for one thing, because she was right there. The more he thought about it, the more he realized how much he looked for her and how many times in a day he spoke to her. How had he lived for six years without knowing she existed?
"No you do not," Lily said sternly.
"It's alright, it's--"
"Would you kindly stop it for one moment?" Lily said angrily. "You didn't let me finish!"
"What more is there to say?" James asked irritably.
"I said I didn't like you more than I did. James, of course I don't! I was bloody in love with you before I met you!"
"What?" The words `I' `love' and `you' made him freeze in his tracks. "You just said you fancied me in the astronomy tower, you didn't--"
"Right. Like I was going to tell someone who already thought I was crazy that I was in love with a personality I made up?"
"Which means, of course, that you couldn't feel that way about me because I'm different than him." It was so strange to James that he was talking about a personality made up for his own self like a different person. It was even stranger that he was making his jealousy of that made up person known. He decided that it was because, if she really didn't fancy him, there was nothing more to lose.
"To be honest, I hate that personality that I made up for you now. He could have been made out of cardboard, for all the complexity he had."
James didn't say anything.
"And, I sort of…well, to be honest, when I was thinking about things on your porch that day, I felt guilty about more than just trying to change you. I felt guilty because even though I was supposed to be sad about my mum--which I was and am, and always will be, in one way or another--I still couldn't help feeling things for you."
James swallowed hard.
"Things." His voice sounded high-pitched but he didn't care, because here was Lily and she was saying words that sounded more beautiful than any he could have dreamed up for her himself.
"She liked you," Lily said, echoing what she'd said a week earlier. "And I realized on the porch that she'd want me to tell you that I--I like you as well. Because she and I are alike, we hate sidestepping things when they're obvious."
"So does that mean," James said slowly, comprehension dawning on him as he felt lighter and lighter with each passing second, "that you ate some sweets on Halloween, but you fancied me anyway, and you didn't act any different because you…you already fancied me?"
Lily nodded.
"Well, then what does that mean for us?"
"I can't say. You're out of wishes."
"Well," James said, feeling suddenly brave from the way she was looking at him, "I suppose that means I'll have to take matters into my own hands, hm?"
Lily smiled.
He didn't kiss her on the lips, and he didn't tell her everything he thought and felt about her in a rush of adoring relief, but he did hold her for a long time, and he did press his lips to her hair, and he had no more wishes to make because he felt that this feeling surpassed any sort of wish that he could have thought of.
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