Chapter 16: A Fight and a Realist
A few days passed, and James was surprised to see that Lily managed to function as normal. It was as though the first day she had spent getting out as much of her sadness as possible; true, she still had a quiet in her voice and a gleam in her eyes that had not been there before, but she resumed classes as normal. The only other changes James noticed were that she barely ate anything at meals and that she steadfastly ignored Snape, though, curiously enough, Snape actually seemed to try to catch her eye quite often. James detected this with not a little annoyance, until finally, three days after Lily had gotten the letter, he cornered Snape after breakfast in an empty corridor.
"Leave her alone," he barked, already keeping his hand near his wand just in case. He never knew what to expect from Snape.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Potty."
"Leave. Lily. Alone."
"As far as I know, who I talk to is no concern of yours."
"It is if it's Lily."
"Aww," Snape said, his thin lips curving into a mocking smile. "So Potty fancies a muggleborn. How quaint."
`Damn right I do,' James thought to himself, but aloud he said,
"Shut up. You don't know anything."
"I know I'll talk to Lily if I choose to."
"You'll have to fucking get through me first."
"There's no need, you crass imbecile. Lily and I are quite capable of deciding who we talk to without your interference."
James gritted his teeth. He didn't like the way that Snape said `Lily and I', as though they were a couple. What right did he have to talk like that, after he'd proven himself to be such a first class bastard?
"You know what, don't even say her name," he said. "She hates you anyway, so I'm just doing her a favor."
Snape stiffened, then said coolly,
"You don't know what she thinks."
"I know a hell of a lot more than you do, Snivellus. She said she hates you. Lily Evans said she hates you."
Snape was quiet for a long time, then turned on his heel and began to walk away.
"Wait a second, Snivelly!" James said, chasing after him. "I'm not done talking to you. I actually have to ask you something."
"Don't even bother, Potter. I'm sure it's something as idiotic as you are."
"Oh, idiotic, am I?" James asked angrily. "I'm not the one who went and screwed everything up with the one person who actually gave a damn. That's what you did, you git."
Snape sniffed.
"She's a mudblood, Potter. What she thinks, and whether she hates me or not, is no concern of mine. I thought that I would speak with her, but obviously your stupidity has been rubbing off on her."
James stared at him for a second, then punched him in the stomach. As Snape groaned and fell to the floor, James said,
"That was the most pathetic insult I've ever heard."
"Sectumsempra!" Snape wheezed.
A burning sensation slashed across James's cheek and through his chest, and could tell that he was bleeding.
"Shit," James hissed, putting the sleeve of his robe to the cut on his face in an attempt to stop the bleeding. "Snape, you're an even bigger bastard than I thought."
"I wouldn't talk, Potty."
"What the hell could you have to say to her? Do you even--hell, do you have a heart?" It sounded weak, but James was beyond knowing what words to say. He couldn't even begin to think of a way to convey his disgust that someone could be so frustratingly unredeemable.
Snape got up, a hand balled at his stomach. Without a word, he hobbled away, and James pulled his hand from the cut on his face. It was bleeding heavily, and James began to feel a bit lightheaded.
"Shit shit shit," he whispered. He knew that he should get to Madame Pomfrey at once, but how could he explain a cut that deep? There was no way in hell that he'd resort to snitching--that was something that Snape would do, not him. Hurriedly, he headed toward the hospital wing, ignoring how everything was beginning to spin around him. He realized that his clothes were beginning to stain with blood as well, and his eyes widened.
"Damn it!" he grunted. But all the curse words in the world didn't seem to relieve the pain that was growing by the minute, and before he knew it, everything went dark.
***
"James, you git, if you don't wake up I'm going to bloody kill you." The voice that spoke, worried and cracking, was Sirius's. As soon as James's eyes began to open to the blurry world around him, Sirius wrapped him in a hug.
"Get off, you poof!" James said crossly. "And give me my fucking glasses."
At once the glasses were put into his hand, and once he put them on he could see that he was laying in a bed in the hospital wing. Sirius looked anxious, and James could see that it was dark outside.
"What--how long have I been here?"
"Two days, you bastard," Sirius said, bouncing from foot to foot. "We thought you were going to die, and--"
"Bet you would have liked that, wouldn't you?"
"Shut up, Potter. Pomfrey and Dumbledore didn't know what the hell was wrong with you…"
"It was Snape. He said something…I can't…I don't remember what it was…" James tried to remember, but details of what had happened were all blurred in his mind. He suddenly became aware of a dull, throbbing pain in his chest and face still.
"I was bleeding a lot. It hurt like hell, too."
"It was scary," Sirius said, shaking his head. "I thought…but damn, Snape did that?"
"Yeah."
"Damn. Almost makes me wish Moony'd eaten him."
"Sirius!"
"Well it's true. Even Evans isn't speaking to him."
At the mention of Lily, James frowned.
"Is she alright?"
"What about her?"
"Well, I mean, her mum just died, right?"
"James, you bastard, how the hell can you think of that now? You almost died!"
"I've been hurt worse falling off a broomstick."
"You're thick," Sirius said, shaking his head. "And the answer to what you didn't ask is twice."
"Twice?"
"She visited you twice."
James felt his heart rise slightly. Twice in two days wasn't bad at all.
"And to answer your actual question," Sirius continued, "I don't know."
"How do you not know?"
"Not all of us are watching her all day, you idiot!" Sirius cried. "You're so bloody thick, I can't even say."
"Shut up."
"You shut up. I can't even…God, James, I thought you died!" Sirius looked like he would have liked to hug him again, but James knew it would be awkward. There was a long silence, until Sirius said,
"Will we be like this forever, then?"
"Like what?"
"Half-friends. Will I always have to feel like I'm in the wrong?"
"What are you talking about?" James asked, though an unpleasant sinking in his stomach told him that he did know and didn't want to discuss it. Sirius seemed to know this too, but he explained himself anyway.
"Ever since the whole thing with Moony--I don't even know if that's when it was, it might have been before that--we're only friends half the time. The rest of it we're either insulting each other or avoiding each other."
"That's not true." But James knew that it was.
Sirius sighed, his face dejected.
"Well, if you--never mind. Forget it." He started to walk away, and though James called his name, he didn't turn around. James tried to get out of his bed, but at once he felt light-headed and fell to the floor. Sirius had already left, and there was nobody in any of the other beds.
"Damn," he said. He put a hand on the edge of the bed and attempted to hoist himself up, but it didn't work. He tried a second time, and he fell to the ground. Exhausted by this small effort, he laid on the ground and panted heavily.
"James, what are you doing there?"
He turned towards the door and saw Lily standing there, wide-eyed.
"Did you fall?"
James grunted in reply. There was no way that he was going to tell Lily that he had fallen from his bed. She seemed to know this, too, because a thin smile crept onto her face and she started forward.
"Let me help you up."
"No, thanks. I--I like it here. The floor's cooler." In truth, the floor was rather cold, and he had to struggle not to shiver a little.
Lily's smile widened, until it finally blossomed into a real smile. James couldn't help smiling at the sight of it.
"Well, in that case, shall I take the bed?"
James looked up at the bed with some regret, but he shrugged nonchalantly. Shaking her head knowingly, Lily perched herself on the edge.
"How are you?" James asked her. Her smile faltered, but it was fleeting.
"Don't ask me that. You nearly died." Her eyes grew as wide as they had been when she entered, as though she had momentarily forgotten, and she scanned him over quickly with her eyes. James looked at himself; he was dressed in clean clothes, so there was no sign of the blood that had covered his other ones. He noticed that her eyes lingered on his cheek, so he realized that he must still have a cut there. He wondered, faintly, how bad it would look.
"What happened?" Lily whispered, touching his face lightly. He winced; it stung.
"I'm sorry," she said quickly.
"Don't be," James said, just as quickly.
"Did somebody do that?" Lily asked, her face going pale. "Oh, we were all so scared…we thought you would die…"
"Yeah, that's what Sirius said too," James said jokingly. Lily didn't smile.
"Oh goodness, James, what happened? Who did this to you?" Lily bit her lip, and he had to fight to think as he became singularly aware of his heart pounding in his chest, both at how pretty she looked and because he didn't know what to say.
"I--" He thought quickly. He remembered, as soon as Snape had said the curse, that he had told himself he would not tell who had done it. Now he knew that, not only could he not tell the teachers, but he could not tell Lily.
"I don't know," he said. "I--I can't really remember what happened." His heart pounded harder, and he had to fight not to run his hand through his hair nervously. Lily watched him doubtfully, and he thought, for a long moment, that she would voice her suspicion, but then she sighed and hung her head.
"I was so scared, James," she said. "It was so terrible…"
"Well, I'm fine now," James said, laughing uneasily. "So no worries, hm?"
Lily slid off the bed to sit next to him on the ground, then sat in silence, lost in thought.
"What day is it?" James asked finally. Lily jumped, startled out of a daydream, then said,
"It's the sixth. You were here almost two days…"
James thought for a moment, then said, slowly,
"And tomorrow's the seventh."
"Yes." They looked at each other, both thinking the same thing.
"My mum's funeral," Lily said aloud.
"I'll go with you."
Lily laughed hollowly.
"I don't think so. You can't even walk."
"Yes I can. I'm relaxing!"
"On the floor."
James couldn't help smiling, though he persisted.
"I'll be fine. Pomfrey can fix whatever problems I've got."
"It's a miracle she stopped the bleeding, James."
"Well, if one miracle can happen, two can."
Lily ruffled his hair.
"You're so optimistic. When did this change happen, Mr. Potter?"
James remembered how she had called him Mr. Potter over the summer. It seemed like so long ago, though he knew it had only been a few months.
"Around the time you became a realist."
"I never said I was a realist."
"You're a hell of a lot more realistic than you were when I met you."
"Don't be ridiculous. People can't change that much in a few months."
James gave her a look, daring her to think about what she'd just said, and she covered her face, moaning in despair.
"I am changing, aren't I?"
"It's alright."
"No, it isn't." Lily put her hands down and looked at the floor.
"It's--it's just hard to remember what I'm supposed to be like now. I have to think about everything I do. I have to remind myself to smile and eat and all the things that are supposed to come normally. Do you know," she continued, a thin smile returning once again to her face, "that this morning, I forgot to put socks on? I just…I don't know. I guess they didn't seem so important."
"Your shoes are going to give you blisters."
Lily turned to him.
"Who's the realist now?"
"Shut up."
"Your overwhelming politeness staggers me."
"As it does everyone."
Lily let out a small laugh, then stood up.
"Let me help you up now."
James was about to protest but, seeing that she would be the last one in the room willing to help him for a while, nodded dejectedly. She put her hands under his armpits and attempted, weakly, to help him up. She gave him a meaningful look.
"Having your help would make this much easier. Even a little bit."
James pushed up with his legs and, after Lily almost dropped him twice, he managed to get on the bed safely.
"Thank you," he sighed, taking delight in the soft warmth his bed offered.
"You're welcome."
"I'm going to that funeral with you."
"No, you're not." Lily's face took on a hard look. "I wouldn't want you to go even if you were in perfect health."
"Why?"
"Because I'll have to concentrate on reassuring you that I'm alright instead of concentrating on not being alright."
"Wait--what?"
"I have to be sad, James. It's the natural thing to do."
"I never said you couldn't be sad!"
"But it bothers you so much when I am." Lily raised her eyebrows, daring him to challenge her, and he sighed as he realized she was right.
"Maybe you haven't changed as much as I thought. Do you have to be sensible?"
"Yes."
"You know, you can be sad in front of me. I don't--I mean--am I making it worse?"
"No." Lily's lips began to turn downwards at the corners, and she quickly covered her eyes with her hands.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said. "Ignore me. I--" She started to cry, and James found that he couldn't ignore her. Reaching a hand out as far as he could and cursing the fact that he couldn't get any closer, he touched her elbow lightly. She cried for a moment longer, and then it subsided, leaving her looking tired and worn.
"It's late," she said. "It's easier t-to get sad at n-night." She hiccupped, then patted his arm.
"Th-thank you, again," she said. "I'll see you in a few days." Quickly, after giving the cut on his face another long look, she departed, leaving him alone. James looked after her, then up at the ceiling.
Maybe Sirius wasn't so wrong to wish that Moony had eaten Snape, because James thought he might just be on the verge of killing him himself.
Author's Note: Happy (belated) New Year! I just wanted to let everyone know that with a new year comes new obligations, which is why, from now on, the updates might come a bit slower, and I won't be able to respond to every review as I did before. That is not to say every review is not read and appreciated; on the contrary, I love you guys. ;) Thank you to all of you who did review!!!
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