Chapter 29: A Weakness and Voldemort
James found himself being awakened by severe jolting beneath him.
"Wha-" He couldn't see a thing, other than a colorful blur moving up and down before him.
"Wake up, lovely!" Lily sang. James reached for the table next to his bed and grasped his glasses, then quickly jammed them on his face. He saw that the colorful blur was Lily, jumping merrily up and down on his bed. Groggily, he sat up, and when she saw this she threw herself down next to him.
"You've been sleeping a long time, darling." She gave him a kiss on the lips, and James, with some surprise, put a hand behind her head and returned it. It registered dimly that she must have been awake for awhile, because her breath already tasted minty. It was probably one of the longest kisses that they'd ever had, slow and sweet because, for once, they didn't think anybody would interrupt it. After a moment, she slowly pulled away, and James blinked.
"Er-" he said, running a hand through his hair, "what did I-I mean-good morning?"
"I just woke up knowing that today was going to be beautiful," she said, crossing her legs and smiling. "It's something I can just feel."
James couldn't feel anything special, but he nodded as though he understood. Lily stood up and went to his closet.
"We need to get dressed," she said, "because the day's already halfway through."
"Er…right. Lily, I don't know if my mum will exactly be…I mean, she wasn't exactly cheerful last night, and the Prophet might say something about it this morning…"
Lily pulled a pair of jeans and a tee-shirt from the back of his closet, glancing at James as she did so.
"Is it really something to worry about?" she asked him seriously. "Do you think your mum will do anything?"
"Well, she can't. I mean, Madame Delacour probably won't let me marry her sister now, and I think that…maybe I'm wrong, but my dad seemed on our side." He smiled, and Lily did too, tossing the clothes into his lap.
"Then stop worrying and get dressed."
"Of course, she could always-"
"Don't worry so much, Darling. Get dressed."
James checked the clothes she picked to be sure that he approved of them, and when he saw that he did, she looked over what she was wearing. She was still wearing the clothes that she'd borrowed from him the night before.
"You can't go out wearing that," James said. "Mum'll think you and I shagged, and then she'll have me castrated."
"You do realize," Lily said, inspecting some of the things in his room idly, "that she'll probably already think that when we come out of your room together."
James sighed.
"Oh well," he said looking down at his lap, "I'll miss it."
"You'll miss wha-" Lily saw where he was looking and groaned.
"James, you're so gross. Get dressed, you disgusting boy."
"While you're in here, watching? You disgusting girl."
Lily laughed.
"I'll be in your cupboard, then. There'd better not be spiders."
"Is that a weakness I hear?"
"No. Spiders are frightening creatures, and I'm almost certain you're frightened of them too."
"No I'm not."
"Is that so?" Lily smiled craftily and shut herself in the closet, and James, after quickly pulling on some clothes, spent the next half hour taking back what he'd said and declaring how much he hated spiders. Nevertheless, he knew it was too late. Lily had taken on the expression that James had beheld too many times on Sirius's face, and he knew he was in for it.
***
James and Lily had almost managed to sneak out the front door when he heard his mother's high pitched call.
"Jamie! Jamie, you'd better not be leaving!"
"Shit," James whispered. "Lily, just go. I'll meet you in a minute."
"What? James, I don't want-"
"Lily, my mum won't hesitate to transfer me to Durmstrang. I swear, I'll get out in a minute."
"Transfer you to where?"
"I'll meet you at the Leaky Cauldron, alright?" he said quickly. He gave her a swift kiss on the lips, shoved her out the door, and slammed it behind her, just as his mother came in.
"She was here, wasn't she?" his mother said as soon as she entered the entrance hall. "I heard her voice."
"Who, Mum?" James asked innocently.
"That-that Evans girl, or whoever."
"Well, if you're talking about my girlfriend, Lily Evans, then you're wrong. But if you mean some other Evans…" James shrugged, and his mother scowled.
"Don't be clever," she said, "I was right. Page nine of the Prophet, you'll be happy to know that you've been christened `Promiscuous Potter' by that Skeeter twit."
James laughed.
"Are you joking? `Promiscuous Potter'?"
"Silly as it might sound-"
"It's more than silly, it's fucking bullshit. She needs a new Quick Quotes quill."
"Would you listen?" his mother said irritably. "Silly as it might sound, now everyone will know about you and that-what's her name, that Lila."
"Lily."
"Yes, Lily, right, sorry," she said, not sounding sorry at all. "And when you two break up-"
"Who says we'll break up?"
"For the love of Agrippa, James, could you keep your mouth shut for one moment?"
James clenched his teeth, feeling more annoyed by the second. He had to fight hard to keep from shouting.
"When you break up, every available girl's mother will remember this whole fiasco. It'd become so bad that even the youngest Black girl-"
"Who's already engaged."
"-won't have a thing to do with you."
"Well, Mum," James said, opening the front door once more. "I suppose that that means you should have asked me if I wanted to be engaged."
"You don't know what you want," she said, running a hand through her hair. "You expect to inherit everything your father and I possess when we pass on, and yet you also want to have a long-term relationship with a Muggle?"
"Muggleborn."
"James, it doesn't matter! It's all the same to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, isn't it?"
His mother looked to be on the verge of tears, and James felt sorry for her. He wondered if that was indeed what it was all about. If, perhaps, the only reason she disapproved of Lily was because she did truly worry about his safety. It was certainly something to consider, and he knew that it was one of the few things he hadn't truly thought about. And yet, knowing that it was because of being with Lily that endangered him, it seemed the silliest thing in the world. Lily was probably the most stable thing in his life, and he didn't see how anything that had to do with her would put him in harm's way.
His mother couldn't understand that, though, and it made him walk across the hall and wrap his arms around her. He hadn't done it in such a long time that he was surprised by how tiny her frame was to him now. He'd always remembered being enveloped in her embrace, and now it was he who enveloped her. Somehow, knowing that he was bigger than her made her that much more human, and his anger melted away.
"I'm leaving now," he muttered in her ear. She looked at him and wiped the tears from her eyes.
"You're meeting her now, aren't you?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah, I am."
She touched his cheek gently and gave him a watery smile.
"Perhaps one day I'll understand you," she said, "and maybe, one day, you'll tell me where you got that terrible scar."
"All you need to know," he said, "is that I got it for Lily, and I'd do it again."
"Oh," she said, and she covered her face to hide how she was beginning to cry again.
"Mum," James said quietly, "it wasn't her fault. It was Snape's. And-and it's Christmas Eve. You should be happy." James didn't know what else he could say, so he just gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.
"I love you, Jamie," she said weakly.
"I know."
***
When James apparated to the front of the Leaky Cauldron, he was at once jostled back and forth by people who were running and screaming. Disoriented, he pushed his glasses up his nose and looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of red hair. He couldn't, and he began fighting to get nearer to the pub, afraid that there was something keeping her from getting out. He knew this scene too well; everyone in the Wizarding world had been well drilled in it. There was an attack taking place, right here in the bridge between the Muggle and Wizarding worlds. His heart began to beat faster, as the screaming seemed to grow louder in his ears.
"Lily!" he cried, "Lily!"
Someone grabbed his arm, and he whirled around, praying that it was Lily. It was Sirius.
"James!" he shouted above the din. "What the hell are you doing? There's Death Eaters in there!"
"Got to find Lily!" James shouted back, his heart in his throat. Sirius's eyes widened, but other than that his expression remained calm.
"She probably left already! She's not stupid!"
"But what if she's-" He didn't have to say anything more. Sirius nodded.
"I'll go check if she's at my flat!" he yelled. "Don't go in until I get back, okay?" Not waiting for James to respond, he disapparated.
"Like hell I won't," James growled. Barely pausing, he continued to wade through the crowd of people, wondering, with some annoyance, why they weren't simply dissaparating. It took him a moment to realize that most of them were Muggles.
A bright red light flashed far ahead of him, and James began pushing forward more desperately, knowing that it must be a Death Eater performing unforgivable curses. His head swam.
"God," he whispered, "not Lily. Let her be at Sirius's flat."
There was no indication that any divine being had heard his prayer, because, try as he might, he could not see any familiar faces. He began wishing that he'd waited for Sirius, but he knew that he himself could not disapparate to his flat. He couldn't possibly leave knowing that he'd left Lily behind.
`I never should have pushed her out,' he told himself, `if something happens to her…God I'll never…'
They were the only coherent thoughts that went through his head. Everything else was obscured by worry, and, more than that, extreme fear.
James felt a hard shove at his back, pushing him to the ground. At once he was being accidentally kicked by the people swarming around him. He turned to shout at the person who'd pushed him and found himself looking not into the fear crazed face of some Muggle, but the blank, cold mask of a Death Eater. A chill ran through him, but slowly and deliberately, he stood up, careful to keep his hands balled tightly into fists so that his fingers would not be trampled.
The Death Eater pulled out his wand, and, too quickly for James to even have time to think, his wand had been summoned to the Death Eater's hand. They inspected it carefully and made a motion to try and break it.
"Shit," James hissed, and, without thinking, his fist shot out and punched the Death Eater in the stomach. With a groan, they fell to the ground, and James snatched back both his and the Death Eater's wand. He kicked the Death Eater as hard as he could to make sure that they couldn't get back up too quickly, and, after a moment's hesitation, he ripped the mask from their face. Sirius's face scowled back at him. James almost let out a shout of disbelief, but then realized that it was not Sirius but Regulus.
"Damn," James hissed. "Regulus, what the hell happened to you?" He realized the full of gravity of what it must have been like for Sirius to discover that his brother was a Death Eater. Staring at the face before him, it was impossible to believe that it was the same boy that used to tag along with him and Sirius to help with their pranks.
"I hope they kill her," Regulus wheezed. "I hope they beat the shit out of her and kill her, `cause you deserve it."
"Who?" James asked, chills going all through his body. "What're you talking about, Black?" But he knew exactly who Regulus was talking about, and Regulus grinned at him, his eyes cold and glittering.
"She tried to help some Muggles," he said derisively. "She didn't want to leave `cause she was waiting for you, but she tried to help `em go. What an idiot."
"What'd they do to her, you piece of shit?" James growled, putting his wand to Regulus's throat.
"Like I know," Regulus said, never taking his glittering eyes off of James's face. "It's the Dark Lord's business."
"You mean he-"
"That's right, Potter. Your girlfriend got captured by the Dark Lord himself."
"You're lying," James said, laughing maniacally. "You're a lying piece of shit, because Voldemort doesn't care about Lily."
"No," Regulus replied, his smile gone at the mention of Voldemort's name. "But Dumbledore does, and according to the papers, the great Potter family does."
"Liar. Voldemort doesn't read the papers." Someone bumped into James, knocking him to his knees, and in that moment Regulus scrambled away. James was left, sitting on his knees amid the flood of people, staring wide-eyed at the ground.
"He's a liar," James said to himself. "He doesn't want Lily. He couldn't-he doesn't-" But it made sense. Of course it made sense that Voldemort would want to hurt the one old Wizarding family that would not support him.
James felt tears prick at his eyes, and his heart ached in his chest. As Lily had when she'd heard her mother died, he gripped at his shirt, hoping that perhaps by doing so he could dull the way he felt it breaking.
Uncertainly he stood up, and he began to stumble in the direction that everyone else was going. He couldn't possibly disapparate, not in the state he was in. He half hoped that another Death Eater would appear and kill him right there. That way, at least, he wouldn't have to deal with the aching months or years of not knowing whether or not they'd killed her. At least then he wouldn't have to go through Christmas or her birthday, knowing that while he sat in relative comfort, she was being tortured.
"James!"
James didn't turn to look. He couldn't. He felt someone come up beside him and grab his arm.
"James, come on, we've got to go, they're coming!"
James froze. Slowly, he turned to look at the person who'd grabbed his arm.
It was Lily.
A nasty bruise was swelling around her eye, and she was sweaty and dirty, but it was Lily, alive and determinedly pulling at his arm.
"Lily?" His voice came out so ragged and hoarse that she paused.
"Yes," she said slowly. "James, are you alright? Did they-"
Without thinking about anything going on around them, James grabbed her and kissed her. He kissed her desperately, passionately, and his heart, which had previously been breaking, now felt as though it would explode from his chest. Without words, he franticly conveyed to her how frightened he'd been, and how much he loved her. She moaned softly, then regretfully pulled away from him.
"We've got to go," she whispered. "James, we have to get out of here."
"He said they'd gotten you," James said, wiping the tears he'd just cried from his eyes. "He said that Voldemort-that he-"
"They tried," she said, "and they almost did, but I-I don't know how, but I got away, there were so many people that I just-I-oh, we've got to get out of here now, they might still be looking and they'll get you too, can you disapparate?"
"Huh? Yeah, I can. I-just a second, I can."
"Me too. Your house?"
"Sirius's flat. He'll be wanting to murder me."
Lily smiled, obviously distracted by some screaming nearby, and without another word, they both disapparated.
James appeared at the door to the flat a moment before Lily got there, and when she did appear he saw that her bruise looked worse than he'd first thought.
"We've got to clean you up," James said, echoing words that his mother had uttered to him numerous times before.
"You too," Lily said, running her fingertips over his cheeks. "You're filthy."
"And you're alive," James said. She smiled at him and wrapped her arms around him.
"Of course I am."
"They almost got you though," James said, more to himself than to her. "And it was my fault. They wanted to get you because of me."
"Don't be ridiculous," she said sternly, "they were capturing everyone they could."
"But you shouldn't have even been there. I told you to go."
"Shut up," she said. "You're blaming yourself to make yourself feel better, and I don't want to hear it."
James was silent for a moment, not wanting to enter the flat quite yet.
"You remember," he said after a moment, "that you said this morning that it was going to be a beautiful day?"
"For me, it was," she said softly. "I'm so afraid for everyone else, and I'm-I hate that they did it on Christmas Eve. But I'm here with you, and fifteen minutes ago I thought I'd be in a cell somewhere."
James buried his face in Lily's hair, not caring that it was dirty or that Sirius was probably waiting inside for them. He wished, for what felt like the millionth time, that there was no such thing as Voldemort.
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