Chapter 25: Bubbles and Love
James stared at the wall before him, surprised that he hadn't died of boredom. He was sitting in his bedroom, back against his door, trying to pretend that he didn't hear his mother and Adele in the next room discussing what she would wear to the Christmas ball.
What he really wanted to do was to just tell them everything; `Sorry, Mum, but I've already got a girlfriend, and she speaks English.'
Sirius, perhaps having sensed this, had pulled him aside the moment they had gotten home.
"I'm warning you," he'd said solemnly, "if you ever want to see Evans again, you should shut your mouth for once."
At the time, James had not understood what Sirius meant by `for once', but now, two days later, he was beginning to. If it was up to him, he would have blurted out the truth, yelled at his mum, and perhaps stormed off. But instead he was there, while Sirius got to be at his flat with Lily. James smiled at the thought of Lily. Somehow, he could already picture her at his mother's ball, dressed in elegant dress robes and proving every prejudice of his mother's completely unfounded. It was funny that it was easy to do that-slip the comfortable, sweet Lily into an elegant role. He didn't suppose that there was any other girl in the world that he would actually care about how she'd look at the ball, but then again, this wasn't just a girl. This was-
His thoughts were interrupted by a sharp rapping on the window. He craned his head to see Sirius's owl pecking at it. He couldn't help getting nervous; Sirius hated owling.
James opened the window, and the owl perched on the windowsill and thrust his leg at him. He pulled the note off his leg, and found not Sirius's scrawl, but Lily's significantly neater writing.
James,
Sirius has gotten terribly ill, I don't know what's wrong, he's vomiting but it's not normal, it's actually quite worrisome and it's…I'm rambling terribly, but he wants you to come, please. Would love to see you, Love!
-L
James couldn't help feeling pleased. Sirius being sick didn't bother him very much, but seeing Lily…he hadn't even been able to mention her for the past two days, and he had begun to realize just how many times his words and thoughts turned to her. He reread the letter, and couldn't help thinking it was cute how she had signed it simply L. Though he knew it was most likely because she didn't want his mother to know who it was if she read it, it had a familiar tone that he liked.
He opened the door and shouted into the room next door,
"Mum, Sirius is sick. Going to visit him."
"Oh, dear, I hope he's alright," she said, not coming out. "Send him my love, darling."
"Whatever, Mum." He rolled his eyes and hastened outside to disapparate.
When James finally managed to find the flat (no easy task, as he lived in a building that looked exactly like the twenty buildings around it), he opened the already unlocked door and knew at once that something was definitely wrong. Multicolored bubbles issued from the flat. Giant, sparkling bubbles that smelled distinctly of lavender.
"It's James!" James heard Lily say happily. He fought his way in, several bubbles popping in the process, and, closing the door, he could not believe his eyes. There, sitting on the floor, were Lily and Sirius, each holding large plastic buckets and wands with loops in the top.
"Lily?" James asked uncertainly. "Are you-is Sirius-"
"Told you he'd get his knickers in a twist," said Sirius, blowing a large green bubble nonchalantly.
"He's fine, James," Lily said. "Sirius said that we should ask you to come, and the only way we could get you without your mum getting angry was to…well, to tell a bit of a lie."
"Well, I was ill," Sirius corrected her. "I got that one red bubble in my mouth, and it was just horrid…" He trailed off, and James was shocked to hear Lily letting out real, lighthearted laughter. He couldn't help feeling wildly jealous. Here he was, having to sit at home miserably, as Sirius got to blow bubbles with Lily. It should have been he who got to make Lily laugh, not Sirius. He frowned, and said, in a surly voice,
"Well, it looks as though you were having a good time. Don't let me interrupt." He turned away, but he heard a shuffling noise, and in an instant Lily's thin arms were wrapped tightly around him.
"Don't leave, dear," she said quietly. "I've missed you."
James looked down at Lily and couldn't resist a grin. She had a wide-eyed, pleading expression, and before he'd even thought about it he had his arm around her shoulders and his lips in her hair.
"Oh, God," Sirius groaned. "You're ruining the fun, you bastard. Told you we shouldn't invite him."
Lily moved her arms up around his neck, and the next thing he knew, she had pressed her lips quickly against his. It was only for a second, but James's lips burned pleasantly, and a huge grin spread over his face.
"Everything seems alright to me," he said thickly. "Don't know what you're complaining about."
"Eurgh." Sirius shook his head and blew fiercely at a bubble, which grew to the size of his head.
"Sirius told me that you and he had these sorts of bubbles when you were little," Lily said, pulling away from James and stroking his cheek fondly. "I wanted to see what sort of things you did when you were little."
James grabbed her other hand, the one that wasn't on his face, and pressed it in his own. He didn't know how he could have felt so upset before; everything just seemed so bright and wonderful all of a sudden.
He sat on the floor between Lily and Sirius, and Sirius somehow managed to pull out a third plastic bucket for him. James blew a bubble, and at once memories came flooding back that he hadn't seen in years. He had forgotten how he used to spend hours on end blowing the bubbles in his room when he was lonely. He had liked them because they smelled like his mother, and when he blew them he'd felt closer to his parents.
"How'd you know I used to use these?" James asked Sirius, his voice sounding a bit odder than he would have liked. "You and I weren't friends then."
"We all did," Sirius said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "All the pureblood kiddies had these. Even I had them."
Lily watched the bubbles float in the air, her expression serene.
"They're beautiful," she sighed. "They're like lovely, giant ornaments." She continued to watch them for a moment, and then her face took on an odd, tight expression.
"Would you like some tea, boys?" she asked suddenly. James sensed at once that she was upset, but he knew, instinctively, that nothing he could say would help. Something told him that she would be better off alone.
"Sure," James lied, just as Sirius said the same thing. The two boys glanced at each other, and Lily seemed relieved.
"Alright." She hurried off to the kitchen.
"Well, that's odd," James said, "you're usually much more of a twat than that."
Sirius gave him a dark look.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You know what I mean. What's going on?"
Sirius shook his head.
"Can't help but feel bad for her," he said. "She keeps getting upset over her mum. Can't seem to get over it."
"Yeah." James felt helpless. He'd thought that Lily was making progress, and now, it seemed, all that progress had been imaginary. He would have given anything to make things better, but he didn't think there was really anything more he could do.
"She was crying when I came," Sirius said quietly, glancing at the kitchen. "I gave her some of these bubbles to cheer her up. Thought inviting you would help, too."
"Yeah." James swallowed a lump in his throat and looked around, being able to see the flat around him better without all of the bubbles still floating around. It was not at all bad-the paint on the walls was peeling, and the furniture was worn, but overall it seemed clean and tidy. James knew that that could not be Sirius's doing, and he suspected Lily had been occupying herself with cleaning.
"Tea!" Lily said cheerfully. She carried a saucer with a teacup on it to Sirius first, then ran back into the kitchen and fetched one for James. She sat back down and, putting her feet on his legs, she watched him eagerly.
"How is it?" she asked.
James took a sip and struggled not to choke. It was terrible; it wasn't warm enough, and whatever tea leaves she'd used had a funny taste. James swallowed it and grinned, hoping that he was pulling off a convincingly happy face.
"Wonderful," he said.
"Oh, James," Lily sighed, giving James a big hug, "you're the worst liar in the world. I love you."
James hugged her back, kissing her head, but a sharp pain in his upper arm caused him to pull away from Lily abruptly. Looking around wildly, James could see that it had been Sirius who had elbowed him.
"I've got to talk to James for a moment, Evans," Sirius said, his voice joking though his eyes were solemn.
"Should I be jealous?" Lily asked teasingly. Sirius didn't answer him, instead pulling James into another room with him. This room was much messier and smaller than the front room had been, which lead James to believe that it was Sirius's.
"Did you hear that?" Sirius hissed.
"Hear what? If it's rats, I don't want to know. I was just starting to think your flat was nice."
"James, why are you so stupid?" Sirius hissed. "She said she fucking loved you!"
James felt a swelling in his chest, but he heard himself saying stupidly,
"Well that's impossible. She'd never say the word `fucking'."
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Sirius cried, throwing up his hands. "You've been dating a month and she says she loves you? And you don't mind?"
"Well of course I mind," James said, still feeling odd, "but it doesn't-it doesn't bother me."
"Doesn't-doesn't bother you?" Sirius looked as though he might explode. "She said love! That's not something casual that you say to your next door neighbor! You-it-"
"I-well, I-" James felt a little nervous, but there was such an extraordinary roaring in his ears, and his heart felt like it was doing jumping jacks in his stomach and his throat, and he couldn't tell if he was going to start giggling nervously or vomit all over the floor. But whatever it was that was going on, he couldn't imagine hating it, because at the same time it was so very pleasant.
"Well, Lily was my neighbor," James said, "but she's my girlfriend now, and she doesn't live in the neighbor's house anymore, and I-I suppose it's alright. That she's said it, I mean."
Now Sirius looked ill.
"Please," he said quietly, "tell me you don't love her."
James started to feel acutely uncomfortable.
"Sirius," he began nervously, "you don't fancy me do you?"
"For the love of Merlin, James, I don't fucking fancy you!" Sirius kicked the wall behind him in frustration, and his foot made a hole in the wall as easily as if it had been made of paper.
"Shit," Sirius said. He pulled his wand out of his back pocket and fixed the hole.
"Lily's out there all by herself," James said. "She might start getting depressed again." Having realized that she was in love with him made him want to sit next to her and be with her for days and weeks in perfect solitude, taking pleasure in basking in the glow of her affection. It made him unbelievably happy when he thought of it.
"Just tell me, quick, if you love her."
James honestly didn't see how it mattered to Sirius. But something was so pleading in his expression, and he was in such a daze, that his mouth opened and said, almost completely of its own accord,
"I suppose I do."
Sirius sat down on the floor, aghast.
"James, you don't know what you're saying."
Something about that made James annoyed. He supposed that he knew his own emotions well enough to judge himself.
"How do you know?"
"You're eighteen. You've been dating a month. You haven't even snogged."
"Yeah, we have," James said defensively.
He didn't like that the points Sirius was making were ones that he imagined an adult making, and he didn't like that normally they were convincing statements that he would have agreed with. But could there be any word that could describe the feeling in his chest now other than love? `Fancy' was not strong enough, and `lust' couldn't be it, because he didn't exactly want to ravish Lily. `Well," he thought, `maybe a little'. But mostly it was simply wanting to be with her all the time and to learn everything there was about her, and to never, ever have to feel that there was the slightest chance that anyone else could get her.
"You can't," Sirius said firmly. "I know about women and how they work, and in a month you'll hate her."
"Look," James said, "just because you haven't had a girlfriend for over a month doesn't mean I can't."
Sirius laughed disbelievingly. All of a sudden, James couldn't believe that this was the person he'd been taking advice on girls from for all these years.
"I'm going back in there," James said, heading to the door, "and I'm going to tell her. That-that I love her." It sounded nice. He could say it again, and he almost wished that Sirius would ask him to repeat himself so that he could.
"You can't," Sirius repeated.
"Believe what you want," James said, shrugging. He opened the door and went back to the living room, where Lily was now sitting on a couch thoughtfully.
"Lily," he began, "I-" He couldn't say a word. The phrase which had come so easily to him not a minute before was now backed up in his throat, and he almost felt like crying from frustration. Why now, when Sirius was right behind him, waiting for him not to say it?
"I-God, why can't I-I-"
"James," she said gently.
"No, one minute, I can-"
"James, I heard every word you and Sirius said. You really should tell him not to kick through walls. It's rather unhealthy, I imagine."
"Oh," James said, "you did."
"Well, it's quite alright if you changed your mind from there to here. And if it bothers you we can just pretend I never said it. I didn't mean to say it. It just came out."
James felt his heart begin to sink.
"You didn't mean it?"
"No, I didn't." Lily smiled sweetly at him. "I just-oh no, sorry, sorry, I didn't mean-what I meant to say was I didn't-I didn't mean to say it, but I did mean it. Unless you've decided now that it upsets you. Which then, I'm really sorry." Her smile disappeared, replaced with utter anguish. James hated it, and he felt the need to alleviate it as quickly as possible.
"I meant what I said in there," James said, happy that he was able to get those words out. "And I-I l-love-"
"It's alright if you say it," Lily whispered, clasping her knees to her chest. "You can always change your mind later. How do you feel right now? That's all I care about."
"Right now?" James croaked. He knew how he felt right now; nervous. He wanted to banish Sirius to a distant land so he would no longer be witnessing this conversation. He wanted the whole world to go away because this was the only place in the world that he felt promised something nice for him at any time in the future.
"Right now, I love you." It was so easy to say, because right now it was true. It was the truest thing that he could think of. Lily unfolded herself and got off the couch, then put her arms around him, burying her head in his chest.
"I love you so much," she sobbed, and James realized that she had begun to cry again. "You're-" She continued to speak, but James couldn't understand her.
"What was that?" he asked softly. She looked up, tears shining on her face that had just begun to turn red and swollen.
"You're the only person in the world that I love," she said. "And I've loved you since I met you, and you don't know how-" she seemed to choke on the words that she said, but she pressed on determinedly, "how much it means that you-thank you for loving me. No matter how stupid that sounds." She laughed self consciously, but it made perfect sense to him. Not why she was thanking him; he didn't think he was worthy of thanking. But he wanted to thank her, and he wanted to kiss her. He did the latter, and she smiled into his mouth.
"I love you," he said when they broke apart. And he didn't just mean it for `right now', but he hoped that he would feel the same way forever. All of the silly things that people said and did when it came to love made such perfect sense now, and he felt that he had been let in on a giant secret that he had barely known existed. He sat down on the couch, pulling her into an embrace as he did, and she happily complied.
After what felt like a second but could have been forever, Lily pulled away from him.
"Where's Sirius?" she asked. James turned behind him, remembering that his friend was supposed to be standing there, but he was gone. James found himself only caring a little, and he didn't feel bad about it.
"Oh, goodness," Lily said, looking at a silver watch she had on her wrist. "James, you have to go. Your mum will worry."
"Yeah, right," James snorted.
"No, really, go. I'll see you tomorrow night. I don't want you getting in trouble." She pushed him away to reemphasize how much she wanted him to go.
He gave her a final, decisive kiss, then regretfully left, popping a lone magenta colored bubble as he went. He almost couldn't disapparate, because it was a difficult thing to do when it felt as though the ground you walked on was made of clouds.
***
"Jamie?" called his mother when he'd almost managed to slip into his room. "How's Sirius?"
"Wha-oh, he's doing better." James had almost forgotten the pretense under which he had gone to the flat in the first place.
"Come here," she said gleefully, "I want you to see the lovely robes we've found for Adele for the ball."
James never wanted to see Adele again, but he was in such a blissful mood that he did not want to spoil it by arguing. Reluctantly he went into the room, and saw that Adele did indeed look lovely, at least from the neck down. Her robes were ice blue with lace trim around the waist and cuffs, which suited her perfectly. However, her hair had been pinned up in an impossibly high fashion, and her makeup was too severe; it almost succeeded in hiding her beautiful Veela charm entirely. It was not that he wanted her to look nice; on the contrary, he wanted her to look as terrible as possible when she was inevitably compared to Lily the next night. But he couldn't help being a little unnerved at how she almost looked like a younger version of his mother.
"Er," he said hesitantly. "It's…nice."
"Is that all you can say?" his mother asked, as though expecting thunderous applause and reverence for her hard work.
"Er-yes?"
"Very well," she said, waving her hand in dismissal. "Go…go pick out some dress robes or something."
James hurried out, smiling so much that he felt as though his face would crack in half.
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