Chapter 34: Wonderful Things and Marriage
"So what you're saying is that you don't care that Peter called her a slag?"
James and Lily were the only two awake in the common room. Sirius, and the rest of the Gryffindors had stumbled upstairs, and Peter was lying in an alcohol-induced coma on the rug in front of the fire.
It took James a moment to remember what Lily was talking about, but when he did he groaned.
"Oh for Merlin's sake," he grunted, "it's not important."
"To me it is!"
"Look, Lily," James said, feeling rather exasperated, "sometimes you can't just…think about it. You can't just concentrate on some stupid remark someone made when their girlfriend dumped them."
"Oh, alright," Lily said, looking about as annoyed as he felt, "well then I'll just remember that the next time I consider breaking up with you. That way I won't be surprised if you call me a bitch or a slag or…whatever special insults wizards have come up with."
"Wait, what?" James shook his head in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"Nothing. Forget it."
"What d'you mean 'the next time you consider breaking up with me'? You mean you have? Are you trying to say that you want to? What the hell?" Questions kept spilling out of his mouth, and he couldn't stop them. The more he thought about it, the more angry and hurt he felt. He'd been nothing but good to her and now she was saying that she'd wanted to break up with him? She might as well have rammed a knife through his heart.
Meanwhile, Lily's expression became one of horror.
"Oh my goodness, no, that's not what I meant," she said quickly, putting her hand on his wrist. "I was just--no, that's not what I meant at all."
"So I guess it's alright for you to say something you don't mean and not Peter."
"I--what the hell, James, why do you always have to do that?"
"What?"
"Use everything I say to prove your point."
James snatched his arm away from her grip.
"Like you don't?"
Lily closed her eyes.
"I don't want to fight with you again," she said, sighing tiredly. "I really just want us to be alright."
James could barely look at her.
"I thought we were alright," he muttered. "I didn't realize that you wanted to break up with me."
Lily got off of the couch and began pacing back and forth.
"I don't want to break up with you!" she said loudly. "I was using an example, I didn't actually mean that I'd thought about it."
James crossed his arms.
"So you haven't thought about it?" He finally forced himself to look into her face, and he could see how upset she looked. He found it hard to really care, because he knew any pain she was feeling wasn't even half of what he felt.
"No!" She looked up, but she didn't quite meet his gaze. James could hardly believe it. A thousand thoughts began to zoom through his head. Did she fancy Sirius? Or Remus? Or--and it made his jaw clench to even think about it--did she fancy Snape?
"You're lying," James said quietly. Lily looked straight at him when he said that, and he could see the guilt written all over her features.
"My mum just died a few months ago," Lily said quietly. "I know I'm supposed to get over that quickly, but I can't. And sometimes I…I can't help it if that makes me confused sometimes."
James was repulsed.
"That's pretty sick, you know that?" he asked her. "Using your mum as an excuse for wanting to break up with me."
"It's not an excuse," Lily said angrily. "It's the truth. Everything I do is affected by that. She was my mum, you don't just get over that. I probably won't, either."
"So what does that mean?" James asked. "You're never gonna be sure if you want to be with me because you'll always be thinking about her?"
"No," Lily said. "Sometimes I think about how maybe it'd be better for me to be myself, because I'm never going to be the same person I was. And the only reason I've ever thought to break up with you is because it's really not fair. I can't give you anything, because I'm just keeping myself together."
"When did I ever ask you for anything?"
"You didn't." She began to bite her nail nervously.
"Then what the hell?"
"I'm sorry!" she said loudly. "I--God, why did I even bring it up? You're right, of course you're right, and I'm wrong, and God, I'm sorry." Lily began to head toward the stairs, but before he even knew what he was doing, James was up and had a hand around her arm.
"Where are you going?"
"Bed!" she choked. James could see that she was about to cry, but he didn't let go of her.
"You're not going anywhere," he said grimly. He put an arm around her waist and forcefully led her back to the couch. She chewed her lip and her eyes glistened with tears.
"Let me go, James."
"Like hell I will," he said. "You're not gonna run away from this. You're gonna sit here with me until you get it through your head that I don't fucking want anything from you except for you to just trust me."
"I do trust you!" Her voice came out on a much higher pitch than it was usually. He leaned forward and looked into her eyes.
"If you trusted me you'd know I wouldn't leave you. Even if you cried over your mum every single fucking day."
She'd been chewing her lip for so long now that James began to worry that she'd make it bleed. He put a finger to it gently to still her, and she slowly smiled. It was a smile that was filled with sadness and made beautiful by the fact that it was filled with love for him.
"We fight too much," she said quietly. She reached a finger up and traced his jaw line, reminding him of how he hadn't shaven in a few days. She didn't seem to mind.
"Yeah," James said, "we do."
"But you need to know," Lily said, bringing her face closer to his and giving him a look of utmost seriousness, "it's not because I don't love you. Because I do."
James sighed.
"I know." And he did know. He felt a little stupid for even having questioned it, because it was so clear if he just looked at her. When she was looking at him her features became illuminated, and it was almost impossible for him to tell himself that he could have been the cause of any of it. On a sudden impulse, he buried his head into the crook of her neck and shoulder.
"In fact," he heard Lily continue, her words sounding more like vibrations due to his position to her body, "I think it might be good that we fight. My parents fight--fought, sorry--my parents fought all the time. And they loved each other more than anything." She ran her fingers through his hair as she spoke, and he turned his head only slightly to reply.
"I've never seen my parents fight."
Lily looked down at him, uncertainty written on her face.
"It proves your point, don't worry."
She smiled.
"Well of course," she said, "because I know everything."
"Well aren't we just taking advantage of your status of Head Girl?"
"Indeed."
"Indeed," he repeated, lifting his head, "who says 'indeed'? Lily, my love, you have the heart of a shriveled old woman. In the body of a gorgeous eighteen year old of course."
Lily gave him a dirty look and pulled away from him to spread herself out on the couch.
"There are two counts on which you're wrong, Mr. Potter," she said primly. "Shriveled old women are in love with shriveled old men. Much as I find your ideas to be ridiculous, they have always been the thoughts of a teenage boy, and the thought that I am in love with you is nonnegotiable. So that's out of the question. And then you have made the mistake of calling me a gorgeous eighteen year old. While I think it's rude to deny a compliment, even if I disagree with it, it's still an incorrect statement. I am still seventeen years old, thank you very much."
"Oooh, yes," James said, raising his eyebrows and smiling mischievously. "I forgot that I was dating a youngling. Tell me, Love, is it altogether difficult to handle dating someone so much older and more experienced?" He leaned toward her, then laid on top of her, so that way he was pinning her body down with his own. She gave him a convincing look of mock-annoyance.
"You know," Lily said airily, "when I first met you, you were such a nice boy. So shy and awkward. I wonder what happened to that James."
"It was all a farce to make you think I was harmless."
"Hm. Well I liked him more."
"He thought you were rather off your rocker."
"Well in that case, perhaps I don't like him quite so much. Not that being odd matters, but I imagine it's very hard to be in love with someone who you think is off their rocker."
"I do imagine it's difficult, but possible," James said. "Nevertheless, I hate him. That other boy you're talking about, because if he'd had any sense he would've grabbed you and snogged you the instant he saw you."
Lily snorted.
"As opposed to you, who took ages to want to snog me."
"It wasn't a matter of want, it was a matter of timing. We can always make up for lost time."
"You know I have a condition for long bouts of snogging, darling."
"What's that?"
"When's my birthday?"
"It's the same day as my favorite day of the year, of course!"
"Good answer, but not quite." Lily began to smirk at him, which surprised him. He didn't even know she knew how to smirk, and it was undeniably attractive on her. "I want dates, Potter."
"I'd go on a million dates with you, Lily my love."
"Witty. Won't get you any snogging, though."
James sighed.
"Fine. It's February twenty third, alright? Can I have my snog now?"
Lily's eyebrows shot up in surprise. James was just disappointed that she still didn't have a look on her face that said she was inclined to snog.
"How in the world do you know that?"
"You told me. I love you. I remembered. Snog." He leaned down to get a kiss from her, but she swatted him away.
"You're crushing me far too much to snog. And now that you've reminded me, I forgot that my birthday is coming. What is it, three weeks away now?"
James sighed.
"So not only do I get no snog, but I also have to think of another present to give you. Bloody wonderful night this has turned out to be." He put his head down and sighed in exhaustion.
"James--Darling--" Lily said, sounding a bit choked. James's head immediately popped up, worried that she was about to cry again. There was no sign of sadness on her face, only that of intense discomfort.
"Hmm?"
"I wasn't joking. You're crushing me."
"Oh, sorry." He scrambled off her, and she moved into an upright position.
"It's alright," Lily said pleasantly. "If being crushed by you was the worst that could happen, there'd be nothing to get upset over. Life would be wonderful. As it is…" Her face fell as she remembered what their interaction had briefly helped her to forget. Fretfully, she scrunched the fabric of her robes in between her long fingers, as though it would help her relieve some of her troubles.
"It's not like you to be so pessimistic."
"You know, I think you have a false sense of my personality sometimes. I think you think I'm much better than I am."
"No I don't. If I did I'd think you were a sweet, obliging girl. As it is, you are, as I've said, a minx. And that's about the worst thing a girl can do, to tease someone like you do."
"Oh James," she sighed, "thank God for you. You're the one person in the world whose attempts to distract me from this sort of thing actually work."
"Good thing?" he asked. She nodded.
"Wonderful thing."
"Alright, good." He stood up, stretched his arms over his head and yawned.
"Well I think I'm going to go to bed now. Goodnight." James turned around and started toward the staircase. As he did, he remembered that Peter was still in the room, comatose before the fireplace. James had the urge to give the boy a swift kick in the side to revive him, but before he could, Lily sighed in exasperation.
"James."
"Hmm?"
"You've forgotten something."
James turned back around to look at her, feeling his pockets as he did so. He didn't think he was missing anything…
"Snog," Lily said simply.
"Really?" James asked, his face breaking into a grin. She nodded.
"Wonderful thing indeed!" James muttered, immediately going to occupy his spot on the couch once more.
***
In spite of what Lily had said about James's ability to distract her, there was very little that could distract them from all the horrible things that seemed to surround them. Between attacks reported daily in the papers, impending NEWTs, and the constant struggle to figure out where their place would be in the world when they left Hogwarts, it was as though the world outside was a dark cloud that was trying to penetrate the small, pure bubble that was Hogwarts. It was the one safe haven, and even then, it was clear that the enemy already had its recruits within its walls. One only had to look at the sneering face of Severus Snape to know that things weren't as safe as it might have appeared to the more naïve of them.
Perhaps it all might have been bearable if they didn't suspect that Remus was one of the enemies.
The change that had come over their feelings for Remus was amazing. He who had always been at once pitied and admired, the quiet and constant, was now a presence they came to positively dread. Sirius refused to speak to him, and whenever Remus sat down at the table, he would get up and leave. Peter followed Sirius like a lapdog. And though he always berated himself for it, James would often find himself making excuses for why he couldn't make the time to go play a prank or study or even play wizard's chess. It was not that he couldn't, but rather, a sickly feeling would arise whenever Remus asked. He was disgusted by his newfound repulsion toward him, but he was unable to quell it.
Even Lily, who had believed the most firmly in standing by their friend no matter what, was different toward him than she'd once been. They never spoke of it, but James noticed. Lily was the type of girl who believed firmly in eye contact; it was probably a consequence of having such brilliant eyes. And yet whenever she spoke to Remus, her eyes would always fix on something else, and she would speak to him the whole time with her eyes never once darting up to his face. Though she made the most effort to be nice to him, James thought that her treatment of him would probably seem to be the worst of all if he were in Remus's position.
Meanwhile, a change had come over Peter personally. His face had taken on an almost ashy tint, and a smile very rarely crossed over his chubby face. It was odd to see him so grave; it didn't suit his features at all. Marlene would sometimes make an effort to speak to him, but whenever she did he would look at her like she was a stranger. She quickly abandoned her efforts.
It was probably all of this darkness and uncertainty that made it seem especially important to James that he get Lily a wonderful birthday present.
"Sirius," James sighed one afternoon, lying on his bed and watching his best friend upside-down. "You're supposed to know everything about girls. What should I get her?"
Sirius was too absorbed in preparing for a date with Rosmerta to answer him immediately. He was standing before a full-length mirror with nothing but a towel around his waist. His hair was sopping wet, and he had a comb that he was using to part in a variety of different ways to see the different effects.
"Sirius. Sirius. Sirius, goddamn you, get your fat head out of your bloody arse and answer me!"
This quickly pulled Sirius out of his self-absorbed reverie.
"Sorry, mate. Er. I--what was the question again?"
James repeated it through clenched teeth, and Sirius let out a barking laugh.
"Well isn't that obvious?" he asked. "Get her a bloody wedding ring. Corny and unbearable, just like your relationship."
"Can't be that bad if you want me to give her a wedding ring."
"Well it's to the point, you're like an old married couple anyway. Might as well get it over with so we can have a great party where I get properly smashed."
"Like you don't already do that?" James said it coolly, but his heart was in his throat. A wedding ring. A rational part of him told him, quite calmly, that he was too young and inexperienced for that sort of thing. But something hot-blooded and crazy within him pounded blood in his ears and said yes!, forget that they were young and had just started dating, that they hadn't shagged and hadn't talked about it. He was in love with her and he took a sort of liking to the idea of that permanence and possession that marriage seemed to offer in all of its sanctity.
"I suppose you're right," Sirius said, flexing his muscles in the mirror. "But I'm just saying, normal relationships are like Rosie's and mine. We go around snogging and shagging and thinking about cheating on each other without actually doing it. If I cut my hair funny she wouldn't like me, and if she got fat I wouldn't like her." Sirius shrugged as though to say that it was tragic, but that's how it was. James couldn't believe that he'd once envied him. It just seemed really sad.
"That's very thoughtful of you," he said, "but I don't suppose that that's normal."
"Whatever it is, it's not that bad. Besides, my hair will always be fabulous, and I suppose that Rosie's got a few good years left before all of those chocolate frogs catch up with her."
"Mm." James thought some more about what Sirius had said about a wedding ring. Once the initial novelty of it wore off, he knew that it was much too soon for that; they loved each other, but he supposed that he wanted to wait a bit longer. After all, they'd only been dating for three months, and besides, he wouldn't want to do something like propose before he had a flat of his own and some idea of what he wanted to do when he graduated. He knew that he didn't have to have a job or a flat, considering that he'd inherit all the property of the Potters sooner or later, but he still wanted to be able to know, if he and Lily got married, that he could support her always, not just the Potter name.
But still, the feeling of excitement when he thought of marrying her was not something that he'd be soon to forget.