Chapter 18: A Sister and a Coward
When James shuffled out of his dormitory, yawning, he almost stumbled over Lily, who was sitting with her legs tucked under her and was reading a book.
"Lily? What're you doing here?" he cried, bewildered. He glanced behind him and saw that Sirius was still in the process of getting dressed. Quickly, he slammed the door shut.
"Oh, hello," Lily said, smiling faintly and pulling herself up. "I was, you know, I was going to go in and fetch you, but that's rude. So then I went downstairs, but everyone was downstairs, so I just--"
"It's okay," James said, seeing she was getting flustered. "How was it?"
"Fine."
"You're lying." He could tell from the way her shoulders and her expression sagged.
"It won't bother you?"
"So it's bad."
"No! It's--"
"Liar. What happened to all that shit you told me about expressing myself? Hypocrite."
"Stuff," she corrected him gently.
"What?"
"That stuff I told you." James realized, after a moment of staring blankly at her, that she was reproaching him for swearing. He grinned.
"Excuse me, I'm expressing myself."
Lily laughed, then rubbed her eyes.
"I missed you."
James's stomach lurched, but he pressed,
"What happened?"
"I--"
The door to the dormitory opened.
"James, what--oh, it's Evans." Sirius raised an eyebrow and looked at the two of them amusedly.
Lily nodded.
"Sirius."
Sirius nodded, as though they had reached a temporary understanding.
"So it's Lily, then."
"And I'm Peter and he's Remus," Peter said from inside the room, clearly exasperated. "We all know each other, let's eat!"
"Shut up, ratface," Sirius said loudly, pushing past James and Lily and going down the stairs. Peter followed, and Remus came last, giving them both curious glances. After they'd disappeared, James gestured toward the room.
"Want to sit down?"
"Sure," Lily said, a small smile on her face. No dimple in her cheek, James noticed with some disappointment. As soon as he'd closed the door to the dormitory, Lily flopped onto his bed.
"I'd rather just sleep," Lily said, pulling the pillow under her head. "I don't want to go to class, I don't think."
"What happened?"
Lily opened her mouth, then shut it.
"Come here," she said, patting the bed next to her. "I can't talk when you're all the way over there."
James complied, and Lily moved so that her head was near his legs. He noticed that, if she had moved a few feet further, her head would have been in his lap. She stayed silent for so long that he thought she'd fallen asleep.
"Lily?"
"Hm?"
"What happened?" His voice came out gentle, coaxing. Lily sat up, crossed her legs, and pulled his pillow into her lap.
"Well, I went," she said, slowly. "And it was nighttime and I--do you want to hear all of this?"
"Everything."
"Right. Everything." Lily nodded, as though mentally noting it, then continued,
"It was nighttime, and I flooed over to my house. And nobody was awake, and I thought it was sort of funny, because usually mum--" She took a deep, rattling breath and continued. "Mum and Dad have tea late at night and read, they l-love reading…well, she loved, he loves, if you know what I--"
"I know."
"Alright. So everyone was asleep, and I went upstairs to my room and went to bed. Nothing-- nothing worth talking about, really." She gave out a forced laugh. "But the next morning, I woke up in my bed and I thought that it was s-summer time again, and I thought sh-she was downstairs, making breakfast, because I smelled it. And I was so happy, I has halfway down the stairs before I knew that--that she wasn't."
Lily had begun to cry, but she shook her head when James put an arm around her.
"No, I'm alright just let me… So I went downstairs and Petty was there and so was Daddy. Petty was making breakfast, but Daddy was sitting there, and he…James it was so horrible, he looked so sad." Lily's sobs became harder, and, forgetting her protests only a second before, put her head into his chest. He could feel her taking deep breaths, then she pulled away, swiping at her eyes furiously.
"James, don't let me cry like that anymore," she said firmly.
"Lily, you can if you--"
"No!" Lily said loudly. Taking a few breaths she said, more calmly,
"I'm going to finish telling you what happened, and all the crying makes me feel like vomiting."
James couldn't stand seeing how pathetic she looked as she struggled to regain her composure, but he nodded.
"And so Daddy was sad, and I-- I won't talk about him any more. And Petty turned around from the stove, and she just looked so…emotionless. Not like she was sad, just that she didn't understand why I was standing there crying. And then she just said--God, I was stupid not to know she would--she told me that I wasn't to come to Mummy's funeral."
James frowned.
"What? Why?"
Lily smiled ruefully and began playing with her shoes.
"Petty doesn't…like me much."
"She doesn't?" James was honestly surprised. Every time that Lily had ever mentioned Petunia, she always did so fondly, as though she was the best sister a person could ask for.
"No, not really."
"Why?"
"This will--this will sound really horrid," Lily said, abandoning her shoe and beginning to play with her hair. "But Petunia always believed in magic, ever since we were really, really small. And I didn't, I always wanted to be a pirate." She smiled at that, and James did too. "But Mummy and Daddy always told her it was ridiculous, and she was always so sad because she loved magic so much. She always told me she believed in it."
"And then you got your Hogwarts letter," James said, comprehension dawning on him.
"Right. And Mummy and Daddy were so happy about it, even though they'd told her magic was ridiculous. She was happy for me at first, she said that hers must have been forgotten, but it wasn't. I was the only one to get one."
"And she's still mad at you for it."
"Sort of. That and because her school was rather miserable, and I'm always writing about how happy I am here…"
James pulled the strand of hair that Lily had been twisting to keep her from knotting it.
"So she's mad at you, still."
"Yes."
"Bitch. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"Stop it," Lily said. "She should have gotten a Hogwarts letter, not me."
"No."
Lily didn't respond.
"But she still sends you letters telling you about what happened on Coronation Street!" James said. He knew, without having met her, that he didn't like Petunia, but he was desperately trying to make Lily feel better.
"Mum made her write them."
"Oh." The defeat in both of them seemed palpable to James. They sat in silence, until he rubbed her shoulder comfortingly.
"D'you want to finish telling me about the funeral?"
"I didn't go."
James tightened his grip on her shoulder.
"What'd you do?"
"I left the house with all my things, and I took my bike and I just began to pedal forever…" Her eyes clouded over, and unconsciously she tilted her head toward James's shoulder. "It seemed like days and days, and I found myself…well, I ended up at your house, somehow."
"My house?"
"Yes. I didn't go in. I just sat on the porch like we did that one day. And I thought for a really long time." She stopped talking, and James realized that was all she had to say.
"Just…thought?"
"Yes."
"About what?"
"Lots of things." Lily got up and moved toward the door. "Things I would like to say to people, and all that."
"Oh. I understand."
"No you don't," Lily said, laughing softly. She went ahead of him, and he thought that he might have heard her say, "If only you knew what I'd say to you."
He wasn't quite sure what to make of that.
***
"Today we will be discussing N.E.W.T.s." Professor McGonagall declared after entering the classroom.
James groaned, putting his head down on his folded arms. He was not the only one. At least half a dozen groans rang out in unison with his own.
"That's quite enough. These are some of the most important tests you shall ever take, and let me assure you that I refuse to let it be said that anyone in my Advanced Transfiguration class got anything less than an `Exceeds Expectations'."
James rubbed his eyes. It was not that he was worried--he'd passed all his O.W.L.s, receiving an O in Transfiguration. He simply did not want to acknowledge that the N.E.W.T.s even existed, let alone that he himself would be taking them at the end of the year. The rest of the class was spent drifting between listening and not listening as McGonagall delved deeper into what effect these tests would have on their futures.
"She's got me scared shitless, and I'm only half joking," Sirius muttered in his ear near the end of class. James had to change his laugh into a hacking cough.
When they left on the way to lunch, James noticed that Lily was walking not far away. He purposefully began to walk in step with her.
"How are you?" he asked. She gave him a small smile.
"Fine. How are you?"
"Excited about those N.E.W.T.s!" James said jokingly. Lily laughed half-heartedly.
"I actually sort of am. They'll tell us so much…everything we need to know about what we can do when we've graduated."
"Oh, yeah, that's--"
"Lily?"
James and Lily both stopped walking and stared at Snape. Lily moved a little closer to James, and he could feel her shaking slightly.
"What d'you want, Snape?" James asked, furious.
"Shut it, Potter," Snape said, his eyes dwindling on his scar. James glanced at Lily, who was watching Snape's reaction with narrowed eyes.
"Leave me alone, Severus," she said, her voice colder than James had ever heard.
"I need to--"
"No." James had said this.
"Potter, do you need another warning?"
"Shut up!" Lily said. "Goodness, who do you think you are? I don't want to talk to you!"
"Please."
Lily looked at Snape, whose expression looked utterly imploring and desperate, then sighed.
"Fine."
"I'll go too," James said stiffly. Snape opened his mouth, but it was Lily who put a hand on his arm and said something.
"It's fine," she murmured. "He was my best friend once." She glanced at Snape, and it was obvious that he'd heard her. Lily began to walk away with Snape, and James looked down at the ground, clenching and unclenching his fists.
"Well, damn," he said to himself, a moment later. "I'm going anyway."
He walked into the direction that they'd gone and soon heard their voices coming from an empty classroom, neither of them bothering to be quiet. James stood against the wall and listened.
"--that you're different," Snape was just saying.
"My mum died, Severus." An uncomfortable pause.
"I was busy that night. I didn't realize what I was saying."
"You were distracted."
"I'm sorry about what I said."
"It's not just what you said!" Lily said angrily. "It's that you're changing too! You're--you're--" Her voice lowered. "I've heard what people are saying. Please don't tell me that you're one of…one of…"
"I'm not!"
"I don't believe you."
"Evans, don't even--"
"I know what you did to James. That's dark magic, Severus."
"That bastard!"
"He didn't say a word."
"Then how did you know that I--" There was a pause, as though something was being understood nonverbally.
"You didn't," Snape finished softly.
"You are one of them."
He said nothing. James had to grip the stone wall to keep himself from going into the room and killing Snape right there. He knew what Lily was talking about; Death Eaters. He'd always expected it of Snape, especially after hearing that Sirius's younger brother was one, but to know that he was in the room with Lily, seemingly alone, made him sick.
"How can you expect me to talk to you?" she whispered, so softly that James had to strain his ears to hear. "They kill people like me."
"I wouldn't let them."
Lily made a sound of frustration.
"It's not just me, it's anyone! Innocent people!"
"Most of them deserve it."
"No more than I do!"
Another uncomfortable pause.
"Did they kill my mum?"
"You can't be serious."
"Did they?" Silence.
"Severus, did they? You have to tell me if they-"
"NO! They fucking did not!"
"Then what were you doing that night? Why didn't you care?"
"I couldn't care! I'd just--"
"Just what?"
"Just-j-just killed some Muggles," Snape said, his voice cracking. James's nails were digging into the palms of his hands so hard that he thought they might bleed. When Lily began to talk, James could hear her voice shaking.
"How many?"
Snape sighed.
"Five."
"What sort?"
"A man, a woman, three…three children."
"How old?" her voice was trembling more.
"Do we have--"
"TELL ME!"
"The adults were in their forties. The children were…about five. They were triplets."
"Oh, God," Lily moaned. James could hear a banging sound, and he could imagine Lily falling into a desk. "How could you?"
"I had to. He instructed us to."
"You had a choice. There's always a choice."
"No."
"YES!"
"Lily, I wanted to talk to you about--"
"I never want to see you again. I thought so much of you…I thought you were brilliant! But you're a coward!"
"Lily, please--"
"Don't talk to me."
"But--"
James could hear Lily abruptly getting up from her desk, then came face to face with her. She was shaking horribly, and he put an arm around her.
"Did you hear him?" she asked as they quickly walked away.
"Yeah. I'll murder him."
"Don't," Lily stopped, and made him stop too. "I know you're not serious, but--"
"I'm dead serious."
"Don't you dare. You're a brave Gryffindor. You're not like him."
"I told you that before."
"When?"
"When we cooked at your house, remember?"
Lily's face formed a shadow of a smile, and they started to walk again. James found himself wishing he could put his arm around her again, but couldn't bring himself to do it.
"He makes me sick," she whispered.
"Don't-don't let him bother you. He's an arse." James said this as he himself had a wrenching illness in his stomach that made him want to vomit. To have encountered someone who had the capability of such murder in cold blood was almost unfathomable. He could only imagine how it felt to Lily. He didn't think his words could be any help or comfort to her, so he was surprised when she spoke again, all bitterness gone from her voice.
"Mum liked you." she said softly.
"I liked her."
"We should do it again," Lily said. "Cooking, I mean. I think--it'd be good."
"When?"
"When's your birthday?"
"The fifteenth."
"Of what?"
"This month." Beside him, Lily literally jumped.
"What? Why didn't you tell me?"
"When would I have?" James found himself remembering what Sirius had said-- between wiping her nose and snogging her. The idiot.
"True," Lily's eyes were wide. "I'm so sorry. I feel so bad, I've been so miserable that I've been neglecting your birthday!"
"It's alright, you don't--"
"On your birthday, meet me in the kitchens."
James would have argued, but her eyes were lit up and a smile was on her face. He wouldn't do anything to take them away, not now.
"Alright."
Author's Note: Sorry it took so long. Thank you all so much for your patience ;)
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