Chapter 33: Remus and Alcohol
James knew it wasn't right, but rather than hear what the letter to Remus had been about, he made every effort to avoid him. Nobody noticed; at least, he thought they didn't, until Lily pulled him aside in the Common Room.
"Hey," she said quietly, "is something wrong?"
"What d'you mean?"
Instead of replying, she took his hand and laced her fingers with his.
"Come on," she said, "let's go be a good set of Head students."
Though going on a patrol was not really his idea of a romantic thing to do with his girlfriend, especially if she seriously expected to do patrolling, it seemed to him a whole lot better than purposely keeping his eyes down in the crowded Common Room to avoid Remus's glance.
They walked the hallways in silence, neither of them looking at each other. Their hands swung slightly back and forth, and James sighed. He never stopped being surprised at how happy he could be doing nothing. Sensing that she was looking at him, he instinctively turned her way and leaned his head a bit closer to her. She just smiled.
"You have pretty eyes," she said, "did I ever tell you that?"
It seemed odd for her to say that. She, who had such striking eyes herself, seemed to be the last person he would have thought of to notice the eyes of others. But here she was, admiring his own mediocre hazel eyes.
"No," he said, "'cause it's not true."
"Yes it is!" she insisted, her eyes widening as though she couldn't believe that he didn't believe it. "They're gorgeous. They're like…like starbursts."
"What?" James had to laugh. "What are you talking about?"
"Like…because there's brown in the center, and then there's this dark green, and it looks like it's…don't laugh at me, but it's just like a dark star exploded in them."
He squeezed her hand.
"Didn't know you were a poet," he remarked. She leaned to the left so she was walking closer to him.
"I'm not," she said, sounding a bit embarrassed. "I'm just stupid because I love you."
"Oh," James said. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think you're stupid. You wouldn't be Head Girl if you weren't smart."
"Thank you," she said quietly. "But…but that's not what I mean. I mean that--and don't take this the wrong way--but until recently I always thought that I wouldn't need someone else to make me happy. And I mean I--I always did a good job of keeping myself independent of other people. But now, it seems impossible for me to keep myself happy anymore."
"Oh," James said again. He wasn't sure how he was expected to feel about that. "Well…I'm sorry."
"No," she said, shaking her head vigorously. "Please don't be sorry."
"Well, I mean to say, Lily," James said uncomfortably, "I don't want you to be unhappy."
Lily stopped, causing him to stop too. She stood on tiptoe to kiss him.
"Let me finish," she said gently. "The reason I'm unable to keep myself happy is because every time you're away from me I miss you dreadfully."
"Oh," James said, for the third time. "I'm never away from you long, though."
"I know that," she said, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head against his chest. "But I miss you, all the same. That's why I said loving you has made me stupid. I depend on you much too much to make me happy."
"I'm sorry," he said again, putting his arms around her. He suddenly felt a huge amount of pressure. Was he honestly worth depending on for happiness? He didn't know how anybody could truly care about him enough that they were only happy when he was around.
"Stop apologizing," she sighed, making circles on his back with her fingertips.
"But I am," he insisted. "It's not as though I'm that interesting to be around."
Lily looked up at him.
"Since when do you have such low self-esteem?" she asked, sounding a bit surprised. "James, you don't have to do anything particularly interesting or clever. That's not what love is. You don't require me to do anything special for you to love me."
"I know that," he said quickly. "But you're better than me."
"Oh, shut up," she said softly. "You're being ridiculous." He didn't say anything else, and for another moment they just stood there, holding each other.
"Come on," she said, giving him another kiss on the cheek. "We have to go do our job now."
"You mean we weren't?" James asked jokingly. He gave her a quick kiss on the lips, and then, taking her hand, resumed walking. There was another long stretch of silence.
"James?" Her voice shook slightly.
"Mm?"
"Do you want to know what the letter for Remus was?"
James felt something uncomfortable stir in his stomach. Though he knew that he didn't want to hear anything about whatever the letter was, he nodded.
"It was from--from You-Know-Who. V-Voldemort. Whatever he's called."
James felt the uncomfortable feeling spread from his stomach to his chest, clenching his heart in an icy grip.
"D'you know what it said?"
"Sirius told me--he read it--he told me that it was actually really nice. Very polite."
"Are you fucking joking?"
She shook her head.
"It was odd. Sirius thinks that it--he said it seemed like he was trying to recruit Remus. To be a Death Eater."
"Why the hell would he do that?"
"If you think about it, it makes sense," she said, her voice lowered to a whisper. "Because--and I feel bad saying this--because he's a werewolf."
"What does that have to do with it?"
"Hasn't Remus been having a hard time finding a job for after he graduates? He's probably smarter than all of us, but he's the one who has to worry about not getting one. He almost didn't get to go to Hogwarts. All of that is because he's a werewolf. If that happened to me, I wouldn't exactly be happy with the Ministry, or with anybody in the wizarding world."
"But Dumbledore let him come to Hogwarts. And he has us!"
Lily looked doubtful.
"I like Remus," she said gently. "I really do. But James, it'll be hard for him. His whole life he'll have to deal with people hating him for something he can't help. And to join Voldemort…Sirius told me he made a lot of promises he could probably keep. It would be so much easier for him to become a Death Eater." She was trembling. James shook his head, the icy hand clutching his heart so tightly that it felt like it would burst.
"But--" he thought hard, desperately trying to think of an excuse for his friend. "He wouldn't have shown the letter to Sirius if he was a Death Eater. Death Eaters don't go showing off those sort of things unless they're Slytherins."
A quivering smile crept to Lily's face that betrayed her urge to cry.
"He didn't show it to Sirius," she said thickly. "He hid it. Sirius snuck in and snatched it when Remus wasn't looking."
"Huh," James had a hard time breathing. Lily stopped walking again and looked up at him, looking desperately unhappy.
"This is one of those terrible things about growing up," she whispered. "I don't know what to think any more."
James didn't either, so he was unable to find any sincere words to comfort her.
***
James hadn't realized that he missed seeing Hestia until he woke up one morning to see her sitting at the end of his bed.
"Hullo," he said groggily, putting on his glasses. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Hello to you too," she snapped, though she smiled. "I'm shocked you remember who I am." James shrugged.
"Your hair's back," he said. Indeed, the hair that had been short and boyish the last time he'd seen her was now long and flowed to midway down her back. She imitated his shrug.
"Charlie likes it better longer."
"Charlie? Marlene's brother?" James quirked an eyebrow. "I thought you hated him now."
Hestia shook her head.
"No," she said, "I don't hate him. I hate that ugly little shit who tried to steal him from me. Meghan McCormack is the most despicable prostitute who ever walked the earth, and Charlie figured that out. Smart boy."
"Oh," he said. "So he doesn't like her anymore?"
Hestia narrowed her eyes.
"He never did like her," she said. "It was a momentary bout of confusion that he'll never suffer again." The barely veiled threat that lingered in her words in the event that he did suffer another such moment was enough to scare even James. He sat up a bit straighter.
"Er--no offense," he said slowly, "but what are you doing here?"
"What, I couldn't just come to say hello?" Seeing James's discomfort and confusion, she rolled her eyes.
"I came to tell you that Dumbledore's going to have another meeting for that group of his soon. In the next few months, I think. But I'm telling you now because he doesn't want the idea to distract you from studying from your NEWTS. As though by telling you far enough ahead of time you won't be distracted." She rolled her eyes again. "That's why they should let the younger ones do it too. We're not distracted by fucking tests that don't get you anywhere."
"So you're still not allowed."
"I sure as hell am not," she said unhappily. "And they let fucking Marlene in even though she's shagging a ratface."
"Here now," James said weakly, feeling as though he should at least try to defend his friend a little. "He's not--" But he didn't know how he could deny such an accusation when even Peter's animagus was a rat, so he closed his mouth. A mischievous smile crept onto Hestia's face.
"Oooh," she said, "I forgot to ask you how it's going with you and your girlfriend."
"Fine," he said, getting a little bit uncomfortable. He didn't like the way she was positively leering at him.
"Have you done anything yet?"
"Yeah. She helped me with my Christmas shopping over the winter hols."
"You know what I mean, Potter."
"I have no idea what you're talking about. I need to get ready for breakfast if you don't mind."
"Oh, so I guess that means you have."
"Hestia, you don't know what the hell you're talking about."
"Yeah I do. I know all about Marlene and ratface."
"You're too young to know about it." James turned red at the thought that she was insinuating that he and Lily were doing the same thing. He wasn't ashamed of the idea, but it was awkward to hear a young teenage girl blatantly talk about it.
"You know what?" Hestia said suddenly, standing up and looking annoyed. "I'm tired of you adults. You think you know the world so much fucking better than we do, and you're all full of hippogriff shit."
James watched with minor concern as she stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
"What the hell," Sirius said blearily from the next bed over. "Fucking PMS."
***
"So what should we do about Remus?"
James lifted his head from the NEWTs workbook that he'd been scribbling in, and beside him, Lily put down her quill. They both stared at Sirius, who was watching them intensely.
"What do you mean?" Lily asked. "There's nothing we can do."
"That's not a very characteristic remark, Little Miss Sunshine."
Lily shrugged.
"It's the truth," she said. "If you say something and he's not with You-Know-Who, then he'll be upset that you went through his things and didn't trust him. And if he is with You-Know-Who, it's not like he'll admit it. Either way, all you'll do is upset him."
"Should we tell Dumbledore?" James asked, knowing, even as he suggested it, that they wouldn't. Lily must have been able to tell from his tone what he was thinking, because she laced her fingers with his and gave him a pained smile.
"We'll just have to continue on as though nothing happened, then?" Sirius asked, dismayed. "We can't just do that!"
"Sirius," Lily sighed, glancing at James exhaustedly, "we don't really have a choice. All we can do is know to watch what we say around him from now on."
"That's sick," Sirius said, shaking his head. "That's probably the sickest thing I've ever heard. We can't fucking trust our best friends now." He let out a barking laugh. James closed his eyes and rubbed them with his thumb and forefinger.
"God," he heard Lily say, and he felt her grip on his hand tighten. "Peter, what's wrong?"
He opened his eyes, and he saw that Peter had sat down in an armchair across from them. His face was ashen, and his expression was what James would have expected to see on the face of one who just watched someone die.
"Damn," Sirius said, "she's right. You look like hell."
"She broke up with me," Peter said, his voice quiet and distant. "Marlene. Says she didn't think we went together well."
"What?" Lily exclaimed. "That's not possible! She adores you!"
Peter shook his head vigorously, shaking his blond hair into his eyes.
"No," he croaked. "You're wrong."
James frowned.
"Something must have happened," he said slowly. "Just yesterday you two were snogging in the Common Room, she can't have just--"
"Are you saying I did something?" Peter asked wildly, looking up. His blue eyes were wide and half-crazed, and James found himself feeling a little nervous. Sirius clapped Peter on the back.
"Women are fickle creatures, Pete," he said wisely. "You win some, you lose some. In the end, she was just a shag anyway."
"What?" Lily cried, her appearance changing from one of pity and concern to indignant rage. "Marlene's not--"
"You're right, Sirius," Peter interrupted, slumping back in his seat. "She's a slag. God, I need a drink."
"You must be joking," she said disgustedly. She turned to look at James. "How can you stand listening to this?"
"Come off it, Lily," James muttered, moving closer to her on the couch. "He's just saying it. Would you rather him call Marlene a slag or kill himself?"
"But I just don't understand," she whispered. "Like you said, just yesterday they were the same as always, and today they've broken up?"
"I guess they…I don't know."
"I suppose it's a good lesson against shagging, isn't it?" Lily asked, a mischievous grin creeping onto her face. "I guess that means we shouldn't make that mistake anytime soon."
James was surprised to hear her talk about it, but he quickly silenced her with a mock-serious shushing sound.
"Don't even joke about that sort of thing," he said severely. "You minx."
"Minx?" Lily asked, raising her eyebrows. "What are you, fifty? I would never use that word, let alone to describe me."
"Oh, you wouldn't, would you?" James asked, "I doubt--"
"Hey, you lovebirds," Sirius said, "sorry to interrupt the beginnings of a snogfest, but this boy needs alcohol. I'd get them, but I think if I left him alone he'd use that quill to gouge his eyes out."
James was almost amused to see that Peter was indeed eyeing the quill on the table with interest.
"I'll get it," he said, hoisting himself up. "Firewhiskey?"
"Among other things. Just tell Rosie our situation, she'll know what to do."