Chapter 21: Dating and Rosmerta
James and Lily were walking side by side, going to meeting in Dumbledore's office early. It had been James's idea, to Lily's delight; it was another chance to prove, to her and to himself, that he was trying to take the job seriously. It had caused all of his friends, especially Sirius, to call him a prat, but the way Lily had beamed at him had been worth it.
"I'm nervous." James didn't expect it from Lily, and he couldn't help gaping at her.
"What?"
"I don't know what's going to happen. I'm nervous."
James put a hand on her back, and she turned to look at him.
"It's just a meeting."
"I know that," she said, half laughing. "But it's important. It's V- You-Know-Who." Her face went solemn at that.
"Is that what you're calling him, then? You-Know-Who?" James asked. He had wondered for years what the right thing to call Voldemort was. When he was a kid, barely anyone had heard of Voldemort. Now everyone was afraid of saying his name, and, even after having seen him himself, using either one made him feel inadequate. He had taken to not even mentioning him.
It seemed as though Lily understood this, because she let out a heavy sigh.
"It's rediculous, I know. The right thing, obviously, is to call him Voldemort, but I used to be friends with Severus, and I didn't like it when his friends hexed me--"
"They hexed you?" James interrupted angrily. "What'd they do? D'you want me to--"
Lily shook her head.
"It's not important," she said. "It's strange to see you get so worked up about it."
"Who do those bastards think they are, hexing you?"
"It was a long time ago."
"I'll kick their arses. Snivellus too, dirty bastard. Why didn't he do anything?"
"James, we're not friends anymore, remember?"
James went quiet, feeling cross. The more he knew Lily, the more he felt the overwhelming need to protect her, whether she thought she needed it or not. Lily continued talking as though nothing had happened.
"Now it's the same sort of thing, except they don't hex me, they just sort of…look at me funny. Like they don't get why a muggleborn would-- why I would do something so stupid, you know? But I've made it all about myself, sorry."
"It's fine," James said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "I should call him that too. Vol- Voldemort."
"Why don't you?"
"Because…" He had to think of something that didn't sound pathetic, because any of the reasons he had made him sound as though he was too cowardly.
"I won't think any less of you, James. It's just a question." He hesitated another moment.
"It's just easier not to say it His name, I mean," he said quickly, getting it out in a rush. Lily nodded and took his hand from his pocket. Wordlessly, she laced her fingers with his.
"I`m a bloody rotten Gryffindor, eh?" James sighed, and it was something that had bothered him for a long time. He was bold, but not brave. He didn't want to be an auror, he didn't want to say Voldemort's name. He wanted Voldemort to go away and leave him to live a peaceful life where he didn't have to have the worry, in the back of his head, that one day Voldemort would kill his parents. Or Lily's parents. Or Lily, for that matter. He hadn't thought of it before, but being muggleborn she was more at risk than he was of getting hurt, and he felt, suddenly, like demanding that she turn around and not go to this meeting that would risk her life that much more.
"You're a wonderful Gryffindor," Lily said, squeezing his hand. "Most people wouldn't admit that. Bravery's not about jumping in front of a dangerous situation and hoping that you live through it, you know."
"It's part of it."
"It can be. But I think that you're brave to be Head Boy when you probably didn't know if you could, and you're even braver to fancy me when Sirius hates me. Made it about me again, shoot." Lily turned red.
"Sirius doesn't hate you." His heart gave a loud thump of nervousness at the mention of fancying before he relaxed. It was hard to remember that Lily was allowed to know what he felt for her.
"He's hated me since this summer, and before that he didn't know I existed."
"See, that's funny," James said, frowning. "Because none of us ever knew who you were, and now--" He stopped, seeing that they had arrived at Dumbledore's office.
"Now what?" Lily asked, ignoring the door and looking up at him. He forgot, for a moment, what he was saying; her eyes looked particularly bright and he found himself staring at them.
"Now what?"
"Oh, right," James said, shaking his head. "Er, well--what I was saying was none of us knew about you until this summer, and now I don't see how we didn't."
"That confused me for awhile as well. But I know the answer to that now," Lily said, turning away toward the gargoyle. "It's because you don't pay attention to girls."
"What are you saying?" James asked, feeling slightly hurt. Of course he paid attention to girls--he was a normal member of the male species, after all.
"Well, you see them, but you don't see them. You're too busy with your friends and Quidditch to really notice."
"I do notice," James began heatedly. "There's Celestina and Alice and Emmeline--"
"Toffee," Lily said to the gargoyle. Turning back to James she said, "I promise, we can talk about this later." She gave him a pat on the arm and released his hand. James stared at his hand awkwardly, feeling how empty it was now, before stuffing it back in his pocket.
As Lily went into Dumbledore's office, James was thinking hard. He knew that he hadn't dated many girls, but he had always thought that it was because there were none that were interesting. He didn't want to admit that what Lily had said was the truth--the problem was not them, but the fact that he had not seen them. He wanted to think that it wasn't true, but Lily was evidence of it. He shook his head moodily and followed her.
***
"What d'you think?" James asked Lily an hour later. She looked up at him, and they laughed, from both nervousness and excitement. The meeting, as far as James could see, had been a success. He had to hand it to Dumbledore; his passion was infectious.
There hadn't been too much said; they wouldn't be able to join the order until they had graduated from Hogwarts, as Dumbledore wasn't able to actually enlist his students. But he had talked in detail about the roles they could play in defeating Voldemort. Dumbledore had described how they could help through spying, paperwork, planning, or cover-ups and bases of operations. James had felt shivers run down his spine numerous times, feeling that finally he'd be able to help somehow, even without being an auror. He was emotionally charged, even after having left the energetic atmosphere the room held. Before he had felt like he needed to protect Lily from it; now he hoped she would do it too, because he could see everything he felt reflected in her expression.
"To be honest, I've never been more excited."
"Me either." They walked in silence, words insufficient in describing the excitement they felt.
"What I said doesn't still bother you, does it?" Lily asked it so suddenly that James was taken aback. She was quicker than he was; the thought of what she had said earlier, about him not noticing girls, had not even reentered his head yet. It was a nagging little thing that marred his excitement, and he could help feeling a bit annoyed that she had brought it up. It was for that reason that he chose to retort irritably,
"I don't need you thinking I'm a bloody poof."
Lily shook her head, calm and placating.
"Of course I don't think that."
"Well it sounds like it."
"James," Lily said, giving him a knowing look, "if I thought that, would I be dating you?"
It was the first mention of the word dating. They had used the word `fancy', but a day had passed and the subject of actually dating had not yet been broached. But Lily said it quickly and easily, as though the fact that they would was obvious. Of course, James had assumed that it would eventually be the case, but he had assumed that it would be another hard transition, another thing to deliberate and whine to Sirius over. Things had happened so quickly that he hadn't really had time to think about it, but now he was glad that it was over before it was begun. This caused his annoyance to evaporate, replaced by a calmer, warmer sort of excitement than the one he had experienced before.
"No, I guess not," James said, pleased and embarrassed at the same time.
"And besides," Lily said, putting an arm through his, "it makes you better. Less jaded as far as girls go."
"And you are as far as boys go?" James raised his eyebrows, and Lily shook her head.
"No. But I think you thought you were, and it's nice to know you're not."
"Hello, James, Lily," Sirius said, coming up behind them and causing them to break the link that their arms had formed. "Oh, don't mind me," he added, seeing that they already had. "Just passing through. Wouldn't want to ruin the moment and all that."
"Too late, as usual," Remus added, coming up behind Sirius and crossing his arms. "You wanker, just move already."
Sirius turned to Remus in mock hurt.
"Did you just call me a wanker?"
Remus rolled his eyes.
"Like you don't call me one five times a day."
"I've moved it up to six. You obviously aren't counting."
"The fact that you are disgusts me, just a bit," James said over his shoulder.
"Shouldn't you be sucking Lily's face off, Potter?"
James went red and glanced at Lily to see how she would react. She was conveniently studying a suit of armor, though her cheeks were tinged pink.
"No," James said through his teeth, "as we have been dating for one day." It was now the first time that he had mentioned the word `dating', and it sounded very serious, very committed. It didn't seem to have the same effect on Sirius, who rolled his eyes.
"Please, Potter. We're not all bloody fucking prudes."
"Sirius, let's go look for Peter," Remus said loudly, giving Lily an apologetic look. "And meanwhile we can learn about manners."
"As long as you teach me how to knit a tea cozy, mother."
Sirius and Remus began bickering, and James rubbed his hand over his eyes, wondering if all the embarrassment would stop after he and Lily had been dating for more than a day. He found himself seriously doubting it.
***
Two weeks and a few days later was a Hogsmeade weekend. Lily had informed James that she still had to go with him to get a proper birthday present, and, in spite of his protests, they were now going from shop to shop trying to find something he liked.
"How about this?" Lily asked, holding up an owl collar. James rarely used his owl (it was so bad that in the past three years he had gained twenty pounds), so he didn't see the point in giving it an embarrassing collar that flashed `My owner loves me' in color-changing neon letters. It seemed unfair and slightly inhumane.
"Er--no, I don't think so."
Lily threw her hands up in frustration.
"I should have stuck with the wishes thing for your present. There is simply nothing to buy for someone who has everything."
"Forget it. I don't need one."
Lily sighed and looked up at him.
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
Lily sighed again, this time in relief.
"I knew I liked you." She gave him a quick hug, but before he could properly enjoy it or return it she had pulled away again.
"I have to look for your Christmas present now."
"You can't be serious."
"Yes, I am. Have you done it yet?"
James shook his head. He and Sirius didn't usually shop for presents. For his friends, normally he would find something his parents had given him that he'd never used, rewrapped it, and sent it off. It was a process that had served him well for six years, but when he explained this to Lily, she did not look impressed.
"You're joking."
"Why?" He honestly didn't see the problem; it wasn't as though what he gave his friends was bad. Perfect astronomical models, omniculars, and a set of mother of pearl gobstones were nothing to scoff at.
"James, you have to pick it. That's the best part!"
"I hate shopping," he grumbled. Lily grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the store, ignoring how the snow whipped at them mercilessly. It was not the best weekend to be out in Hogsmeade; it was snowing rather hard, and the wind blew it everywhere. James shivered and pulled his scarf around his nose, though he noticed Lily did not even bother with hers. They weaved through the large amounts of people until they entered into the pleasant warmth of the Three Broomsticks. Lily dragged him over to a small table in the corner that had miraculously not been taken and sat down. James assumed that she expected him to do the same, and therefore did so.
"What are we doing here?" James hissed.
"We're going to help you figure out what to give your friends," Lily whispered back. "Don't argue, it'll be wonderful."
"What happened to not wanting to change me?"
Lily sat back in her chair and gave him a hard look, as though trying to figure out whether he was being sincere in his question and if she should take its meaning to heart.
"I'm not trying to change you," she said after a moment, relaxing. "I'm teaching you what proper Christmas shopping is about."
"My way works fine. Peter doesn't even give Christmas presents."
"Maybe not to you," Lily retorted. "But I know for a fact that he--" She stopped, then turned red. James watched this happen, feeling inexplicable jealousy.
"He what?" he asked suspiciously. "Did he give you a present?"
"Don't be ridiculous, of course he didn't."
"But he did…something."
"It has to do with what I can't tell you."
"Can finding out be my Christmas present?"
"I'll think about it. Now stop changing the subject, we have to help you pick out what to get for your friends. I'll make a list."
"Hi James!" The bar owner's pretty, curly haired daughter Rosmerta had walked up to their table and was smiling expectantly at him.
"Hey Rosie," James said, smiling. Rosmerta was one of the few girls besides Lily that he felt comfortable talking to, and probably the only girl who hadn't been on a Quidditch team but still knew every possible play.
"Where's Sirius?"
"No idea. Probably trying to woo Dorcas, if I had to guess."
Rosmerta put her hands on her hips.
"Dorcas Meadowes?"
"Yeah."
"She's fifteen!"
"It's sick, I know."
"Wow. I never would have thought--but who are you?" She seemed to notice Lily for the first time and was now eyeing her with interest. James turned to look at Lily as well, and saw that she had pulled some parchment and a Muggle pen from her pocket. Seeing James's stare, she explained,
"I don't like carrying pots of ink around."
James continued to look at the pen. He had taken Muggle Studies, so he knew what they were, but he still found them very interesting. Meanwhile, Lily looked up and smiled at Rosmerta.
"I'm Lily."
"I'm Rosmerta, even though this bloke and Sirius insist on calling me Rosie." She shook her head darkly.
"You like the name," James said, looking up from the pen. "At least you like it when Sirius says it." He smiled when she turned red. Rosmerta had a bit of a crush on Sirius.
"D'you want something to drink?" Rosmerta asked primly. "I have other customers to attend to."
"A firewhiskey would be great." James sighed, imagining the long and grueling day Lily would put him through.
"Oh no it wouldn't," Lily said sharply.
"Oh, come on," James said, exasperated. "I haven't had a ciggie in a week."
"Really?" Rosmerta broke in, surprised. "James, the last I saw you were a bit of a chain-smoker."
"That was before Lily turned me into a chicken." Rosmerta's mouth dropped, and she looked at Lily incredulously.
"You turned him into a chicken? For smoking?"
"Er." It was clear that Lily was embarrassed. "I felt sort of bad about it afterwards, but it was sort of ridiculous, I mean he just smoked all the time, and it's terrible for you, it really is…" Lily trailed off when Rosmerta began to laugh heartily.
"That is bloody brilliant!" she laughed. "Who would have thought that's what it took to attract James Potter?"
"I was not attracted to being turned into a chicken," James said firmly, but Rosmerta ignored him.
"I suppose I'll just bring him a water, then. I'd hate to see what you'll do to him if he drinks a firewhiskey." She chuckled again.
"It's not funny," James said. "And I'll have a butterbeer, thanks."
"Is that alright with her?" Rosmerta asked, nodding at Lily. Lily's face was quickly turning the color of her hair.
"He can have what he wants," she said weakly. "I don't--I don't decide what he gets, he's perfectly free to--"
"Oh, no, I don't know. We don't like animals in our pub…"
"A butterbeer's fine," James said. "Make it two." He gave Rosmerta a glare. He could see that Lily was practically dying of embarrassment, and he couldn't help hating Rosmerta at that moment for being so insensitive. Rosmerta seemed to get wind of James's annoyance, because she left in a hurry.
"Are you okay?" James asked Lily, reaching out to put a hand on hers.
"I'm so sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have tried to control any of it, you were right, and if you want a firewhiskey you can have it…"
"It's fine," James said soothingly. "I don't feel like having firewhiskey. Butterbeer's better."
"And you do your presents how you like, I'm sorry about that too."
James sighed.
"Look, it was stupid of me to bring up the whole chicken thing--"
"But it actually happened, didn't it? I actually did that, and--"
"It's fine. Rosie's a bitch, anyway."
"I doubt it," Lily said. "But thank you for trying, anyway." Rosmerta came back with the butterbeers, and neither of them said a word until their bottles were almost finished. Then James said, hesitantly,
"Listen, I'll pick your and Sirius's presents out myself, alright?"
"Yeah. That sounds good." Lily smiled and reached for his hand. Giving it to her, he smiled back. He had noticed that every time they were together, one of them reached out to touch the other. He liked that; they were always connected, always wanting to be a part of one another.
"Are you going to pick something out for your parents?" she asked him.
"My dad doesn't like presents. I don't bother getting them for him anymore."
"And…your mum?" It sounded like it hurt Lily to say, perhaps, James thought, because she was remembering Christmas shopping for her own mother.
"Maybe."
"You should. Even if you don't buy something, you should give her something. She's the one who brought you into the world, after all."
James didn't know how willingly she had done that, but he nodded at what Lily said. Then they fell into silence once more, both of them lost in thought and miles away from their little table in a crowded pub.
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