Chapter 23: Starshine and Snogging
The first thing Sirius said when he heard that James was going to be engaged was,
"I don't think Yoko's gonna like this."
James sighed in annoyance.
"D'you have to call Lily `Yoko'?"
"What would you prefer? Starshine? Moonbeam? She-Who-Hath-Taken-The-Cigarettes-And-All-Other-Traces-Of-Who-My-Best-Friend-Used-To-Be?"
"Why do you have to use this situation to insult my girlfriend?" James rubbed his temples. He really needed a new best friend.
"Eeeugh," Sirius said, shaking his head. "Girlfriend. It's so…official."
"Look, just because you hate her--"
"I don't hate her. I just don't want your children to have red hair."
"Why are we talking about my children?" James asked, turning a little red.
"No reason. We can talk about Peter and that McKinnon girl if you--"
"No."
"Fine." Sirius leaned back on his bed until he was laying down, imitating the position James was already in.
"D'you want to marry Adele?" Sirius asked after a moment. James looked over at him in disgust.
"That, Padfoot, was one of the stupidest questions you've ever asked."
"Just because you haven't gotten your tobacco fix, no need to bring me down."
James put an arm over his face. Tobacco withdrawal was not one of the things causing his bad mood. Since he'd woken up that morning, he'd had at least four cigarettes, and he predicted that there were many more to follow. He didn't want to go downstairs and have Lily smell it and get upset, so he'd already decided not to go down that day and pretend to do homework.
"If you don't want to marry Adele," Sirius continued, "just have Lily go with you to your mum's Christmas ball. Find all the mistletoe you can and be disgustingly obvious in your devotion."
"You honestly think something so simpleminded would work?"
"Jimmy, look at me." James did, and saw that Sirius had a hand on his heart and an expression on his face that was completely solemn.
"Jimmy," he repeated. "That `simpleminded' trick, as you so callously put it, got me out of three arranged marriages. Three."
James regarded Sirius suspiciously.
"Your first engagement was when you were ten."
"And dear, sweet Alice--formerly of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, currently married to Frank Longbottom--got me out of it. Lovely girl, kissed me no less than fifteen times in the span of half an hour. She hated me, too."
"No wonder they blasted you off the family tree, you womanizing prick."
"Call me what you want, if you don't want to marry Adele, that's the only way to go about it."
"Well, it won't work," James said after a moment's thought, "because Lily isn't going home for Christmas."
"Why?"
"Her family's bonkers, that's why."
"So's your family. I see the problem."
"Yeah. So…any other ideas?"
"I suppose you already struck down the idea of a howler?"
"Sirius, what good would a howler be with my mum?"
"Point taken. Er--I can't think of anything." Sirius shrugged helplessly, and James felt something slip inside him. Sirius was rarely out of ideas, and if he couldn't think of anything now, when James needed him the most…it seemed that he should probably go downstairs and say goodbye to Lily right then.
"Hold on," Sirius said, sitting up. "I could--but--damn, I don't want--"
"What?"
"I've got an idea, but I don't like it. I don't want to--never mind. Forget it."
"Sirius."
"But James--"
"Sirius, d'you want me to be married to Adele?"
"No, but--"
"I'll move to France and name my first born son Gay-Pierre. I swear I will."
"Fine." Sirius let out a sigh then said in a rush, "I'veboughtaflatandifwehavetoshecanstaythereoverChristmasholiday."
"Where'd you get money to get a flat?"
"Uncle Alphard. The good chap who funded our broomsticks, if you'll recall." Sirius spoke reluctantly, and it was clear that he did not want Lily in his flat. James, however, smiled.
"Is your flat far from my house?"
"What does it matter? She can apparate, can't she?"
"Yeah," James said, laughing a little, "yeah, she can. And this works? You're sure snogging Lily in front of my mum'll get rid of the engagement?"
"It worked for me. Three times."
"Yeah, it did." James felt light and wanted to go downstairs and perhaps snog Lily right then, cigarettes on his breath or no. Then something occurred to him, and he frowned.
"Sirius?"
"Yeah?"
"I've never kissed Lily before. How am I supposed to snog her in front of my mum?"
"You're joking."
"Er--no."
James heard a noise that seemed to indicate that Sirius was hitting his head on something hard and wooden, like a headboard.
"Sirius?"
"James, you are the most pathetic creature I've ever had the misfortune to meet. You'll never have redheaded children because you two will be virgins the rest of your long and miserable lives."
"No, I--"
"Do you realize that Peter has gone farther than you?"
James had to stare, slack jawed at Sirius for a whole minute before he could think of a response to that.
"He and Marlene've probably--they've probably been going out longer than--"
"Two weeks longer than you and Lily. And they're shagging like rabbits in broom closets, empty classrooms…everywhere!" There was pain in every syllable, as though Sirius was imagining stumbling upon them while they were at it.
"How the hell do you know this?"
"I talk to Remus when you're busy trying to drown yourself in the shower."
James made a mental note that Remus knew everything and that he really ought to talk to him more often. Of course, now he'd been given the image of Peter and Marlene shagging…it was too much. He shook his head.
"D'you fancy the idea of finding out what she sees in him?" Sirius asked. "I always thought I was just good with women, but if she's with him, it's proof that Hogwarts girls are desperate."
"Look, can you do this later?" James asked, feeling annoyed. "How the hell am I supposed to do this?"
"You could try talking to your bloody girlfriend, for one thing."
James got up and became conscious of his smoky smell. He winced, imagining what sort of snogging Lily would want to be doing with him.
"You know a charm that could get rid of a smell?"
"Not a charm, mate. It's called a shower."
"Thanks," James said sarcastically.
"Hey, listen," Sirius said, sitting up, "I think you owe me, considering all the wonderful advice I give you--"
James snorted. He didn't exactly consider Sirius's advice `wonderful'.
"Shut it, Potter. You owe me for letting your girlfriend stay in my flat, so the least you can do is help me with one prank."
"Now?"
"Yeah. I never pranked Lily properly--haven't really pulled any pranks this year, actually." Sirius paused for a moment, considering this and looking troubled.
"So what d'you propose we do?"
"Well, I was thinking…" Sirius began to explain his plan to James, and James felt that old feeling of excitement before breaking the rules that he'd thought had disappeared.
***
"James, dear," Lily said two hours later, approaching him in the common room. "You wouldn't have any idea about who cursed the girl's toilets, now, would you?"
James looked up from his NEWT exercises innocently.
"What do you mean, love?"
"It would seem that someone--or several someones--" She paused and aimed a pointed glance at Sirius, who was positioned several feet away, "decided that they would curse every toilet in every girl's bathroom in the entire school."
James put on a look of concern.
"Shocking."
"I know," Lily said. "And would you believe that not one boy's toilet is going around telling everyone who used it today? Not even one."
"Terrible."
"And you have no idea who did it?"
"Lily, I'm hurt. Why would you even insinuate such a thing?"
"Silly, I know," Lily said smiling. She bent down and leaned very close to him, and he thought for a brief second that she might give him a kiss on the cheek, but then she whispered in his ear, "You forgot your invisibility cloak in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, love."
James grinned sheepishly, and was hugely relieved to see that Lily didn't look upset. On the contrary, she was grinning widely at him, so he had enough courage to ask,
"Did you get it?"
She opened up her bag, and he could see the silver cloth sparkling within.
"Thank you." James stroked her hair lovingly, and her wide smile faded into a gentle, blissful one.
"You're not going to take off points, then?"
"I have no idea who did it, remember?"
"Seriously," James said. "You're not mad?"
"James, I'm not going to tell you off for some silly prank. It didn't hurt anyone."
"I need to talk to you about something." James didn't want to tell her, as he was enjoying their playful, simple happiness.
"Which is never a good sign," Lily said, her smile disappearing. "So many good things have been ruined with that sentence, you know."
"I don't--well, yeah, it's not good, but--er--I hope it won't be bad, really." James hadn't been nervous around Lily since before they had started dating, and he was instantly reminded at how much he hated it.
"Alright." Lily stood up straight and sat down next to him on the couch. "What is it?"
"Lily, my er--well, I've gotten a letter--several letters really, from my mum, and er--well, it's just--"
"Just say it, really quick," she said gently.
"I'm going to be engaged." For a moment the world seemed to go silent, as his words seemed to echo.
"Wait--what?" Lily's face had gone paler than usual, but she had a tiny smile on her face. "Like engaged to be married?"
"Er--yeah."
"To who? What? How can you--"
"Look, my mum knows this girl, this bitch named Adele, and she and Adele's mum have decided that me and Adele are going to be married, only we've never met and I don't want to be engaged to her because I--" He stopped for a moment, then said hesitantly, "I like you too much. And I only found out yesterday, so it's not like--I haven't been lying to you." Sirius had warned him to include that, in case Lily thought he'd been purposely tricking her.
Lily stared for a full two minutes that seemed to stretch on for eternity before she said,
"And how serious is being engaged in the wizarding world? I mean--once they decide, does it usually--do they usually get married?"
"Most of the time."
Lily looked down at her hands, then up at him. For a moment they just stared at each other, before Lily said, quietly,
"Please don't get married. I know it's terribly selfish, but--please, don't." Slowly she leaned towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face into his chest. He let her stay there a minute before he gently grabbed her forearms and pulled her off of him.
"I talked to Sirius about it, and he has something that--I mean, it might sound really stupid, but--" Suddenly it sounded like the stupidest idea in the world. It sounded like something that some hormonally driven teenage boy would come up with--`snog me so that I don't marry someone else'. He didn't want to tell her now, because he was afraid of what she might think.
"James, you'd better tell me." Her voice had a dangerous tone that brought back the memory of her mother warning him not to curse in her kitchen.
"Alright, this'll sound dumb, but Sirius said it got him out of three engagements." He sighed, then continued,
"He said if I bring you to the Christmas ball with me and--er--if we snog, then it'll convince my mum to break off the engagement."
Lily stared at him.
"He wasn't joking?"
"Er--frighteningly enough, no."
Lily shook her head.
"It figures."
"Hey, does that bother you? Because, I mean--if it does, I can do something else, I can run away or hex Adele so bad that she runs screaming back to France, or…or…" Those ideas, which had wildly crossed his mind before, now seemed brilliant in comparison with this stupid plan. He was terrified that Lily would say no and tell him she didn't want to have anything more to do with him, or worse, that she would say yes and then break up with him because he'd pressured her into it.
"The only problem is that I'm not going home for Christmas."
"Sirius said you could stay in his flat," James said quickly. "And I mean, it's not pervy, Sirius'll be at my house, and I'll visit you every day and if it bothers you, you can go back to Hogwarts early and celebrate Christmas here, or--" James stopped, because he realized he was not only rambling, but his voice was getting increasingly higher with every word.
"James," Lily took his face into her hands and looked up at him seriously. "Do you realize how many worse punishments there are in this world than snogging your boyfriend?"
"Well, I didn't--"
"You didn't want to go too fast. You know you're the sweetest person I know, right?"
James felt guilty for some reason, as though he had deceived her into thinking that he was sweet. To relieve his conscience, he said,
"I smoked four cigarettes today."
Lily frowned a little.
"Oh. You do know that it's terrible, and--" She stopped when she saw how guilty he looked. She sighed and slid her hands down from his face and to his hands.
"I just don't want you to hurt yourself. You mean more to me than anyone."
"I'm sorry."
"I don't want to say it's alright, but it is. If I smoked, I'd probably have smoked today, too."
"Does this mean I don't get a kiss now?"
"Will it sound ridiculous if I ask for just a little more time?"
"No." And it didn't, somehow. He found that just the promise of knowing that she would someday, that she was willing to, was good enough for the time being. He didn't know if he was supposed to be frustrated, but the smile she gave him made him glad that he wasn't.
"Did you know that Marlene and Peter are shagging?" James asked suddenly. Lily gave him a disgusted look.
"Was that really necessary, James?"
"Thought it might be something you didn't know. A real conversation starter."
"It can't be true. They haven't been dating long enough."
"Ho ho. So you did know about them!"
Lily rolled her eyes.
"Marlene made me promise not to tell, and I'm not going to go about discussing such matters Peter's dorm-mates."
"Who he neglected to tell any of this to."
"So how in the world did you hear they were shagging?"
"Remus."
Lily groaned, which told James that she believed it if it came from him. He really did need to talk to him more often.
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