I own nothing.
**
Chapter 11: The Ball
My love is like to ice, and I to fire:
How comes it then that this her cold is so great
Is not dissolved through my so hot desire,
But harder grows the more I her entreat?
--Sonnet 30, Edmund Spenser
December 9, 1977
Snow covered the grounds of Hogwarts, a thick coverlet that caught the sunlight and blindingly reflected it back into the eyes of passing students. It was the second snowfall of the season, and the expanse was ruined by the hundreds of feet that trampled over the ground, heading down to the Quidditch Pitch.
James stood next to Alex Fera and behind Lily, who went out onto the pitch first. One quarter was covered in deep green, and the rest was a mass of scarlet. James adjusted his heavy robes and watched closely as Lily shook hands with Alex Avery, the captain and seeker of the Slytherin team.
James scowled at the ground as Hooch told everyone to play nicely, her voice dripping with patronization. We're obviously two-year-olds.
Then he had no time to think, because he was in the air, inhaling the scents of wood smoke drifting over from Hagrid's cabin and of snow. It was something clean, something new, something incredibly and delightfully fresh.
"DIONE PASSES TO MALFOY WHO SHOOTS-BRILLIANT SAVE BY LORDEN, WHO IS FILLING IN FOR MATTHEWS TODAY-AND EVANS IS OFF WITH THE QUAFFLE. SHE DODGES A BLUDGER HIT BY VOLE AND-IS THAT A SMIRK, LILY?-AND PUTS IT THROUGH THE HOOPS. 10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR!" Sirius gave a whoop of joy.
The match continued rather uneventfully until the score was 60-80 to Slytherin.
Then the snitch came out.
James dived after it immediately, and Avery sped after him. Avery was getting closer, his superior broom outstripping James's Cleansweep (James never had the heart to get rid of it). James urged his broom to go even faster, leaning forward until he was almost horizontal against the handle. Avery glanced at him quickly, his eyes wild, but James continued to dive even though he was at a ninety degree angle from the ground. He didn't pull up until he was about two feet away from the snow on the pitch. Avery couldn't stop his momentum and his better-quality broom nosedived right into the grass of the Pitch.
James gave a triumphant shout and closed his fingers around the snitch. He dimly heard Sirius announce that Gryffindor had won before six people in scarlet crashed into him, hugging him and patting him on the back. Even Lily grinned at him.
The Gryffindors traveled in a large mass up to the castle, heading straight to their common room to have a party. James excused himself from the festivities and went up to his dormitory. Lily stopped him at the foot of the stairs, a bottle of butterbeer in her hand.
"Not joining us?" she asked, an eyebrow raised, before she took a swig of her drink.
"Nope," said James. "Oh, thanks for taking over, for captain and all."
Lily nodded slowly. "Don't worry about it." She cocked her head to the side. "You are a strange person."
James frowned. "Am I?"
"Very. You ask me to take over a job that you abso-bleeding-lutely love, then complain when I make you run ten laps and do fifty sit-ups and fifty push-ups, but then you thank me." She shook her head in wonder. "Very strange."
"Thank you," James said, giving her a mocking bow. He grabbed the butterbeer she was holding in her hand and ran up the stairs to his dormitory.
"Hey! That's mine!"
But of course, she didn't follow him.
James shut the door to his room and drained the butterbeer in a few gulps. He let the bottle fall to the floor and curled up on his bed, staring into space. A strange memory hit him, one he had never put much stock in…
Of course, the four of them had visited every student in their year (and house) except Lily Evans, because she was the only Muggle-born in their year and house. The girls in the soon to be sixth year of Gryffindors far outnumbered the boys, tallying a number of eight, while there were only four boys.
James was very reluctant to go on this little excursion, because the last time he had talked to Lily Evans she had hexed him. He still had boils on his legs, not that he would let anyone know.
Remus, the best at charms, removed the Disillusionment charms from them as soon as they landed. They were reckless and didn't really know the consequences of Muggles seeing them. They had long realized a way around the detection the Ministry used to pinpoint underage magic.
They walked around the back and Sirius, who had scouted ahead, pointed to the window that was Lily's. They climbed the rickety trellis outside her house and James was the first to go through her window. Peter, Sirius, and Remus stayed outside while he set up the elaborate prank he had planned just for Evans. He had only just begun to assemble it when the door banged open and Lily stomped through, her body almost obscured by the pile of clothes she held.
She froze when she saw him crouching in the middle of the floor, dropping the pile of laundry she was holding, revealing a simple green t-shirt that matched her eyes and a pair of white shorts.
"Potter, there had better be a good reason you are in my room or I'm going to-"
"Are you moving?" He said it smoothly, and despite herself Lily was distracted.
"What?"
"The boxes. There's no stuff on the shelves. Are you moving?" Lily glowered at him and bent to pick up the laundry. James quickly waved his wand at the materials for the prank and they flew out the window. James could hear the muffled curses Remus, Peter, and Sirius let out as the objects fell to the grass.
Lily's head shot up. "What was that?"
"Nothing. Are you moving?" James repeated.
"Yes, I am. Now, why are you within two meters of me? Move away. There must be three meters between you and me at all times."
James immediately moved back. "Um, I got an owl earlier, Evans, and I was just going around asking if anyone had sent it. It wasn't signed, see."
"No, I don't see. And I didn't send you anything. Why would I send you anything?"
"Because you love me?"
"Screw you."
"Please-"
"Oh, shut up."
"Fine."
Lily sighed after a moment. "What was your bloody letter about?"
James said the first thing that came to mind. "Dementors."
Lily's brow wrinkled. "What's a-"
"You don't know what a dementor is?"
"No. I've heard of one, I suppose. But I don't really know what it's about."
"Dementors guard Azkaban, the wizard prison." James thought he heard a sound but dismissed it as his friends outside.
Lily sucked in a breath. "Oh."
"They have-they have hoods. Black hoods and they glide. When they appear all the light goes out and--and you feel so bloody cold. You remember things you never want to remember. They suck the happiness out of you and when they pull back their hood…they have this scabbed expanse for a face and this gaping hole for a mouth. If they Kiss you your soul is sucked out…and they breathe so loudly, like you've never heard before."
"How do you get rid of them?" Lily asked, wide-eyed, her voice higher than normal.
"There's no way to kill them. You can use a Patronus, though."
"What's a Patronus?"
James was struck by an idea. "I'll tell you if you'll go out with me."
The almost hopeful look on Lily's face went out like a candle in the wind and she turned away. "Get out of my house Potter."
James squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe if he had acted just a little more mature things would be different. Perhaps he and Lily would be…instead of Sirius and Lily…
Shut up, bloody mind! Shut up, shut up, shut up!
--
"A ball?"
"This is amazing."
"Oh, yeah, sure. Amazing. I'd rather die!"
"Oh, don't. I was going to ask you."
"Like I'd go with you."
The whispers surrounded James as he headed for his table and he rolled his eyes. He was going alone, no doubt about it.
He spotted Sirius and Lily sitting at the edge of the Gryffindor table, both looking rather glum. He dropped into a seat next to Sirius and grabbed a ham sandwich from a platter. "What's wrong, Padfoot?"
"I can't go," said Sirius.
James looked at him quizzically. "Why can't you-oh. I see. Well, it's your own fault."
Sirius opened his mouth to say something but Lily shook her head. "It really is, Sirius."
"I don't see why everyone's so bloody excited. It's not like they haven't known it was coming."
"James, Hogwarts hardly ever has these Balls. Only once in a while."
"Evans," James mimicked, "this is just an excuse to run after the girl or boy of your choice and to instill drama in our otherwise pointless lives."
Lily rolled her eyes and bit into a sandwich. She swallowed and said, "You're too negative."
Peter sat down next to Lily and she jumped. He smiled apologetically at her. "Stupid ball," he said. "Does this mean I have to ask someone?"
"Unless a girl asks you first," James pointed out.
"As if that would happen," Sirius snorted. James smacked him in the belly and Sirius clutched at his stomach. "You big-"
"Oh, shut up, Padfoot," James said. "Your voice is too squeaky and it's giving me a headache."
"Where's Remus?" asked Lily.
James looked at Peter and Sirius avoided everyone's eyes. "He probably doesn't want to come down," Peter said.
"Why's that?"
"Because he's angry with me," said Sirius suddenly. "He's very angry with me."
"Oh."
Lily glanced at James and he shrugged. She thoughtfully chewed on her second sandwich and stared at Sirius, a glint in her eyes that James didn't like very much.
--
December 23, 1977
The Gryffindor common room was filled with anxiously waiting boys, most of them looking up at the girls' staircases. Sirius glumly looked at James, Remus, and Peter.
"I can't believe I have to stay here with the first, second, and third years!"
"Grow up, Sirius," Peter suddenly snapped. "You've been saying that for a week."
"Why don't you shut up, rat boy? It's not like you-"
"Oh, just stop. I'm going down now. Come on." Remus glared at all three of them before turning and exiting the portrait hole.
"Er, I'm going to follow him," said James. Peter got up and followed him down to the entrance hall, where many students were milling about. James caught sight of Dean Rosier in black, with Maria Danes on his arm in a blue color that matched her eyes. They made quite a formidable couple, and Maria caught James's eye and winked. The pair moved aside and revealed John Foibles, a Ravenclaw, with Clara Danes, Maria's sister.
Alex Avery, Severus Snape, Jeremy Vole, and Salmand Malfoy all wore robes of the darkest black, and Vole was the only one with a date, a sixth year Slytherin.
"James?"
James turned and saw Lily standing behind him. His breath hitched.
She was wearing a dark green, old-fashioned dress with a modest neckline and a full skirt. She had light white robes that went down to where her knees would be, but the dress could be plainly seen.
"Do you know where we're supposed to be?"
James instantly stopped staring at her. "We're just supposed to wait with the rest of the students."
Lily nodded slowly. "Did you come alone?"
"Yes."
Lily looked as if she was trying not to laugh. James ignored her.
It was much easier that way.
The doors to the Great Hall opened of their own accord and the students rushed through. The room was decorated spectacularly, and James smiled. He had been a part of the decorating team.
After almost twenty minutes of loud chatter, the room finally quieted. James had taken a seat in between Peter and Remus, and their table also included Alex Fera and Jennifer Hart, who had come together. Rebecca Hause also sat with her date from Ravenclaw.
James didn't really listen as Patel made her speech, but he snapped to attention as she announced that the Head Boy and Girl were to share the first dance. He glanced at Lily but she didn't look at him. She just made her way to the middle of the dance floor. James met her there.
He took her hand and bowed stiffly to her. She curtsied slightly, and the only sound in the room was the gentle swish of her robes falling to her feet, as the students and faculty watched with rapt attention to see if they would kill each other.
The first strains of the song began to play and they moved together to the music, counting the beats in their minds. When the flute began to play, James whirled Lily out and then back in grinning. It broke the tension slightly and she smiled back at him widely, her eyes glittering.
Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Damn damn damn. Sirius is with Lily…
"You know," she said suddenly, "you're much more boyish when you smile like that." The look in her eyes as she gazed at him was unmistakable, and James sucked in a shaky breath. He immediately arranged his face into a mask of indifference as she began to chatter softly.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked abruptly, cutting herself off in mid-sentence. She was biting her lip.
James was tempted to answer that he was absolutely fine, but then Lily would barrage him with questions. She always could tell when he was lying. "I'm just tired," James sighed.
"Poor James Potter," she snapped at him suddenly, her hand tightening on his shoulder. "Always has to sacrifice everything. Always the noble one. Never can be a boy, always has to be a man."
Uh oh, James thought. Explosion time.
But she didn't explode. Instead, she took two steadying breaths and stopped dancing. They stood there in the middle of the floor, staring each other down, not realizing that other couples were swirling around them.
"I don't understand you, James Potter. And I don't think that I want to anymore."
James forced his face into a neutral mask and glared at her. "Good, Evans. Better for the both of us." They started dancing again, involuntarily adjusting to the beat of the new song, which was faster.
"Fine," she muttered, looking away. Her face fell slightly as she looked over his shoulder and he turned to see Dean Rosier heading towards them. James grinned wickedly at Lily as she pleaded him with her eyes not to give her up to the Ravenclaw.
"Oh, don't worry, Lily, we'll see how lucky Rosier gets tonight." She glared at him and he smiled back innocently. Carefully, he placed his hand in his pocket and pressed an ItchyPad (Marauder invention) into her hand. She looked puzzled for a moment but when he whispered in her ear what it was and she grinned mischievously.
"May I cut in?" Rosier asked, tapping James's shoulder and smirking. James let Lily go with a smile.
"She's all yours, Rosier," James said in a sickeningly sweet voice. Rosier looked at him suspiciously.
Ten minutes later, James and Lily shared a silent look as Rosier began to hop around the floor, knocking over the bowl of punch and soaking his new dress robes. They burst into laughter and got strange looks from the people around them.
An hour passed uneventfully and James began to become rather bored. He had watched countless amounts of girls walk past to the loo, and even more had asked him to dance. He did so rather reluctantly, but only because he had been raised to be polite.
James found his gaze inevitably drawn to Lily, who had removed her white robe earlier. She looked amazing tonight. That one dance with her had been nice; it was a pity Peter had chosen her for Sirius. His mood instantly darkened. The last thing he ever needed was to think about that!
Frowning, he watched as two Slytherin sixth year boys began pointing at Lily, laughing. She didn't seem to notice. Curious, James moved towards the dance floor, behind the two Slytherins, who had grown into six people, both boys and girls.
James's jaw dropped as he saw that the zipper on the back of Lily's robes had undone itself, leaving a large portion of her bare back exposed. The Ravenclaw seventh year, John Foibles, dancing with her didn't seem to mind. He was grinning.
The song ended and James watched with disgust and a slight amount of sadistic curiosity as another Ravenclaw moved over to Lily, about to ask her to dance. James hurriedly moved across the floor, bumping the Ravenclaw out of the way. He scowled at him, but James didn't care.
He grabbed Lily and tried to think of a tactful way to tell her about her dress when the song started up. They began to sway to the music, but James could tell that Lily was furious.
"What did you do that for?" she hissed, narrowing her eyes at him. James winced as he carefully placed his hands on her lower back. He began to tug upwards with the zipper and Lily's mouth dropped open. "Oh," she gasped, flushing a dull red. He finished zipping the dress and she turned, staring at the wall of disappointed boys behind her.
"Thanks," she muttered, looking down at the floor.
James scowled. "Yea, well, I didn't want to be traumatized." She was a nice height, just tall enough for her head to rest on his shoulder, but she didn't, she just stayed in his arms, stiff. Even though they had shared that laugh over Rosier, she still seemed angry at him for their conversation during the first dance.
"I was thinking about what you said, Evans."
"What was that?"
"About me always having to be so noble."
"And your conclusion?" Lily asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I think you're wrong."
"How's that?"
"I don't choose to be like this. I just am."
"Well, you weren't like this last year!" Lily snapped at him.
"A lot of things happened over the summer, Evans," James responded quietly. He glanced at the clock and realized that there would only be time for one or two more dances after this song.
"Oh yea, James? Like what?"
"Sirius coming to live with me, for one," James pointed out. "He ran away from home, Evans. He got in a row with his parents and he just left. His parents didn't even-they didn't even look for him. Imagine hating your child so much. Imagine hating Muggle-borns so much. That's sad. I never really realized how bad the situation in the Wizarding world was, that image is more important than the child you give birth to."
Lily just stared at him, mouth agape, and he shrugged. The song ended and he pushed her away. "I'll see you for the last dance," he said, inclining his head to her. She nodded dazedly and backed off the floor.
He waited anxiously for the next song to finish, watching Lily dancing with Remus and trying to cheer him up. His hands were sweating as Dumbledore asked from the Head Boy and Girl to come to the floor. He announced that he himself would be playing a tango and that the rest of the school could gradually join in.
Lily's gaze was fixed on him as she put in her song request to Dumbledore, and James cocked an eyebrow at her. He met her in the center of the floor and smirked.
"You know how to tango?" James asked, not sure whether he should mock her or not.
"You know how to tango?" Lily shot back. She shook her head. "It's a Muggle thing."
"It's a wizarding thing," James corrected. "The tango was adapted from Spanish and Italian dances by one of the women who was Headmistress here, years back. Besides, my parents used to tango all the time. My mum tried to teach me, but I was much to short. It was easier for me to learn later though."
James was in good spirits but as soon as the first strains of the tango-a very familiar one-began to play, he froze and went pale. Lily grabbed his hands and readied herself as he began to remember things he had always wanted to forget…
The room was been bright and airy, and the seductive, sultry, tango music was bouncing off the walls as Aurelia Potter whirled with a little James in her arms. She threw back her head and laughed as he gurgled and clapped his hands.
Their happiness was short lived. In a moment to quick to measure, the windows of the sunroom were blasted in, and Aurelia froze. Framed in the doorway was a man with a blazing white halo of hair, his face grave. He threw Aurelia a little ironic smile, and then stepped aside, revealing the tallest and strangest looking man ever to walk the planet.
It only took her a second to spring into action, screaming for James and telling him to hide…and all the time, the song was playing, the tango, thrumming deeply through his veins, drowning out Aurelia Potter's screams. The banging on the door was Hagrid, who had heard the ruckus and come running. He had been visiting Aurelia and had been down at the lake, fishing. Whenever he visited he loved to cook dinner, and the Potters didn't have the heart to tell him no…
He forced his eyes open and was horrified to realize that tears were gathering in his eyes as he swung Lily around, making sure not to collide with the other dancers courageous enough to join them. Lily was staring at him with concern, but she didn't ask, and they continued the set steps of the tango.
James forgot one part and had to improvise, and Lily looked at him disapprovingly. He drew a shaky breath, trying to forget, forget, and forget. Lily's smiled faltered and he spun her around so quickly that he was dizzy. Other couples began to leave the floor until James and Lily were the only pair left.
The song tapered off and James bent Lily over, supporting her by one arm like they did in Muggle films. They were breathing heavily, and she stared at him uncertainly. James realized that the roaring in his ears was the cheer of the crowd.
As the very last note of the song played, a bang on the cymbals, James found that his legs were too weak to support him but he stood shakily. James pulled Lily up and stood there for a moment, breathing deeply, inching forward, his focus on her lips. Her mouth was slightly open and she was staring at him in disbelief as he leaned into her.
Horrified, he realized he could taste the cinnamon on her breath and instantly backed away, averting his eyes. Lily stepped away from him and he dimly hear voices, hers asking if he was okay, Patel's thanking them for attending in her honor, Dumbledore's dismissing the ball.
He felt a hand in his, soft and warm, dragging him off the floor. Strong hands grabbed him forearms and he didn't realize they were outside until cool air rushed around him. A brisk wind and started up and he shivered, although his robes kept most of the cold out.
"What happened?"
"I don't know! It was the music…it was something about the music, Remus…look at him…"
"He's almost crying! Did you say anything to him, Lily?"
"No, Peter! Of course I didn't!" Lily put a hand on James's shoulder and squeezed it, her nails digging into his robe.
"You're going to rip my robes," James said quietly. Lily jumped at the sound of his voice and everything came into sharp focus before his eyes. Remus was standing to his right, Peter to his left, and Lily was right in front of him.
"Is that all you can say, James?"
"Put something on, Evans," James snapped. "You're going to catch your death in that dress." He could see the goose bumps on her bare arms; she had forgotten her outer robes in the Great Hall.
Lily waved off the suggestion irritably. "It doesn't matter. What happened?"
"It's none of your business, is it, Evans?" James pushed her hand off his shoulder and she glared at him. James saw Peter and Remus back away out of the corners of his eyes.
"It bloody well is when you cry all over me."
"I didn't cry."
"Close enough."
"That's it. I'm sick of this. I'm leaving."
"Where are you going? There's nowhere you can go." Lily grabbed his arm. "Don't sneak out to Hogsmeade and get pissed and shag some random girl, James. You'll just feel awful in the morning."
"What I do is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" James shouted. "Why can't you just leave me the hell alone?"
"Fine!" She snatched her hand from his arm gestured towards the grounds. "GO! See if I CARE!"
"FINE!" James turned and swiftly walked down the steps of the castle. He distinctly heard Lily's voice.
"Go after him, dammit! He needs you!"
"Sirius-"
"I'll get him. Follow him or I'll just feel guilty! He isn't worth feeling guilty over!"
Lily had shouted the words in his direction, and although James knew they were simply meant to needle him, it didn't dull the pain.
--
Two hours and five shots of firewhiskey later, Sirius, Remus, and Peter caught up with him.
He was pissed, as Lily had said, but he hadn't shagged a random girl. He was looking forward to the unexpected though. His body was sprawled on the grass in the outskirts of the village and he was just as drunk off the stars and the night as he was off the alcohol.
The toe of a boot dug into his side and James groaned, rolling over and shutting his eyes.
"James Potter, you are royally pissed."
"Thanks for the update, Sirius," James rasped, "now get your boot out of my back and shut the hell up."
"Must I?" asked Sirius. "You're coming back." His voice tuned steely. "Now."
"Sirius!" Remus cried sharply, his voice laced with anger. They were still on the outs with each other.
"Ever the cautious one, Remus," Sirius sighed. "I don't care if he's hurting, my best friend will not lay sprawled on the grass like a common drunkard."
"Take up a career in motivational speaking and leave me alone, Sirius. You're giving me a headache."
"As opposed to when?" his friend asked cheerfully. "Hacking you off is my goal in life."
"Thanks for that update," James said. "Now go away."
"Pardon, did someone just say that they don't give a damn what you think? Why, yes. It was me."
James ripped some grass up. "Sirius, I'm fu-"
"Prongs."
James sighed. "Padfoot."
"Please? You've got Lily worried too."
"Who cares," grumbled James. "As long as she doesn't pry into my life I sure don't."
"You don't mean that," muttered Peter. James chose not to reply.
"Fine," said Sirius angrily, reminding James of Lily. "Fine then. You can stay Remus and Peter. I'm going back." There was the sound of footsteps marching away and then two identical sighs. Peter and Remus dropped onto the grass next to James.
"Hello."
"Hello," they chorused.
"I'm so bloody tired of it all," James muttered. "So tired."
"Just don't kill or maim yourself and I'll be happy." Remus sat up and squinted into the night. "Hey, I'll be right back."
"Nothing's fair, Wormtail. Especially with Lily. Why were we so stupid? We should have realized what we were saying and about the charm." James sighed and opened his eyes. Peter's shocked face hung above him.
"What?"
"You heard me. Sirius doesn't deserve her." A part of James knew he shouldn't be saying these things, but another part of him loved the thrill of it all.
"I suppose because life is crazy and it hates you," said Peter thoughtfully. "Remus is coming back."
He came at a run. "Hurry. Aurors. All over. It must be a surprise inspection for safety or something. We have to go. Now."
James struggled to his feet and Remus and Peter helped to support them. Fifteen minutes later they reached the Shrieking Shack, and quickly dropped into the passage. Sirius was waiting for them at the end and he glared at James.
"Decided to come back now?"
"There were Aurors," said Remus. "Tons of them. Help me get James up to the castle."
Sirius looked rather surprised that Remus was talking to him and he slung one of James's arms over his shoulder.
The used a secret passage to get to Gryffindor tower and very nearly got caught by Filch twice. They finally entered through the portrait hole and dropped into couches with simultaneous sighs. James jerked his head towards Lily, who was sleeping in an armchair by the fire.
"Put her to bed, Sirius."
"Nah, I'll just wake her up."
James was about to tell him not to, but he decided he didn't really care if Lily lost sleep.
Sirius shook her awake and she opened her eyes slowly, looking around groggily. "Where…oh, are you back now?" she directed this comment at James and said it with the utmost derision.
"Looks like it," James muttered. Peter was giving him strange looks.
"Well, as long as you aren't dead. Rosier's next in line for Head Boy."
"The school would go to ruin," James spat.
"My point," Lily said. "At least with you in the position the damage is minimal."
"Right." James was satisfied for a beat. "Hey!"
She was already gone up the stairs.
"I hate her."
Nobody said anything and James stared hard at the wall. "Is that a snitch?"
Peter looked quickly and sighed in relief. He then frowned. "There's nothing there."
"But I could swear I saw-"
James went out cold.