I own nothing
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Chapter 29: Only The Best
[Best of Me, by The Starting Line]
…………………………
July 31, 1979
…………………………
Lily looked over at James from the corner of her eyes and smiled. "James?"
"Hmm?" He did not look up from the Crossword Puzzle he was doing and chewed on his quill tip.
"Do you think we should get different plates?
"Hmm," he said mystifyingly.
"And new bed linens and towels?"
"Mmm." He marked something on his paper.
"What about a cat? A Muggle cat?"
"Uh huh, love."
Lily grinned as James dropped his quill and glared at her. The last time they had been in London an ordinary Muggle cat had jumped in front of James, hissing. He had yelled out and almost run away, explaining to her that it reminded him of Mrs. Norris. His troublemaking instincts were still with him.
"You let a blasted cat in my-our house, and I'll divorce you."
"Nonsense," Lily said, waving her hand airily. "You love me too much."
His gaze was unbearably warm as he stared at her. "That I do," he murmured, and then his smile widened. Lily glared more, hoping that whatever was going through his mind was not X-rated.
"Did the post come?" she asked, already going over to the table to check. Her muscles groaned as she left the comfortable armchair by the fire. Lily stepped over the creaking floorboard so as not to disturb James.
"What's a four letter word for 'knockout'?" James asked.
Lily shrugged, rifling through the post. Her eye caught sight of a letter addressed to her and she grabbed it, ripping it open. The parchment was heavy and formal, the ink of good quality. She peered at the writing that looked like slashes of a quill and her jaw dropped. "James-I-I got into Auror Training."
He lifted his head, smiling. "Really? Congratulations. So did I."
Lily frowned and put down her letter. "I didn't know you applied."
James shrugged, already concentrating on his crossword again. "Dumbledore helped me out. He got me anonymous recommendations from the Order of Light…." James trailed off as he saw the discomfort on her face and he shut up about that place, his quill scratching at the paper.
"So how long will you be in training for?" Lily asked offhandedly, going back to her letter.
"Oh, give or take six months," he answered.
Lily's head shot up, her mouth hanging open. "Six-six months?" she squeaked. "I've got to train for-a year-plus field tests!"
He looked up. "I told you, recommendations."
"But I'm better than you!" Lily cried. James raised an eyebrow and she dropped her heated tone. "Well I-I mean...."
James sighed. He finally put down his crossword and put the quill aside. "Look, Lily, when they see that you're better than the other trainees they'll undoubtedly advance you a level or two. I reckon you'll be done around the same time I am."
Lily made a face. "I'm not two years old, James. I just don't like being second best. Let me have my tantrum. We don't fight nearly enough."
James shrugged. "Suit yourself. Can we skip the part where you lock yourself in the room and get straight to the make-up shag?"
Lily shrugged as well and undid her robe, stepping forward and hopping up on the table so she was facing him. He was already pulling her shirt over her head. "Sure. Why not?"
…………………………
August 13, 1979
…………………………
The house was rather small, but it suited their needs perfectly. Lily knew that they had to keep a low profile-all Order members did-and she also knew that she and James needed nothing more until their situation called for more rooms.
They had not discussed children yet, but Lily knew it was bound to come up sometime. However, she did not want to be the one who brought it up. The idea of talking to James about it simply terrified her. It wasn't that she didn't want children-Merlin, she wanted children so badly! She just didn't know whether James wanted to wait or whether he wanted to jump right in and get started. They were still eighteen…but Lily's mother had had Petunia when she was twenty, and James's mother had had him when she was nineteen. Lily had absolutely no clue what, exactly, she could do in order to get this situation out of the way, but something had to be done.
Aside from that.
Lily stirred the soup several more times, splashing some out of the pot and onto the pages of the cookbook. She frowned and tried to wipe them away from the watery brown liquid just smeared. Lily pouted, feeling childish, and stirred some more before taking the pot off the heat and setting it aside. She put on a Heating Charm to keep it warm against James's return. He had gone out earlier with the Prewett twins for some odd reason, not telling her why.
Prat.
Lily sat down with her book and looked up two hours later when James walked in, taking off his cloak and dropping it on the floor. He didn't notice her because the lights were dim. Some time ago she had put down her book and sat in the dying sunlight shining through the window, staring out over the hill of patchy grass lit up red.
"Hey," Lily said softly.
"Shit," James swore, whirling around and rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses. "What are you doing here? What are you doing up?"
"It's only half-past seven," Lily said worriedly, getting up and dropping her book to the floor. Her eyes skimmed over his shadowy figure and she winced as her legs pricked; they had fallen asleep ages ago.
"Oh. It feels later." With that, James turned and went into the kitchen. "When did you make this soup?" he called out to her.
Lily walked stiffly over to the doorway. "A few hours ago." He tried a spoonful and made a face, but she ignored the insult to her cooking. "What did you talk about with Gideon and Fabian?"
James shook his head. "Nothing much." Despite his obvious aversion to the soup, he poured some into a bowl and heated it again. Lily's charm had obviously not done so well because of her distraction.
"Pardon?" Lily asked. "You've been out for hours. You look dead on your-"
"I said it's nothing," James repeated sharply, slamming his bowl down on the counter so hard hot soup splashed over the edge of the bowl and onto his hand. He hissed and snatched it away, and Lily grabbed for it and applied a Cooling Charm with her wand.
"Didn't help," he bit out through gritted teeth, and she summoned a towel soaked in cold water and held it to the burn, bringing her face close to his.
"What-did-they say?"
He shook his head and Lily frowned. "James, we are married. We tell each other things. Like what the Prewett's said to you. That's the kind of stuff we tell each other. Stuff that hacks us off. Stuff that makes us happy. Stuff that makes us snap at each other. Too bad if you don't understand it, because it applies to your life and your situation. So you would you-please just tell me what the hell you heard tonight that's got you like this?"
James snatched his hand away. "I understand all of that. Bloody all of it," he added. "But I'm not in the mood right now. Maybe later."
"Not maybe," Lily told him. "For sure."
James sighed. "Lily-I'm tired…."
"For sure?"
"Fine," he grumbled, sipping some of the soup. "I promise. This is rubbish soup."
"I was distracted," she explained. "Should I make you something else?"
He shook his head. "No. I just need to-I need to think."
"Oh." Lily paused, feeling slightly out of place as he stood, staring into his soup, at the kitchen counter. He sighed once more and then looked up, shaking himself. He took her hand and led her into the living room where he sat down on the sofa and pulled her down with him.
"Mmm. You smell nice."
Lily smiled a little and leaned her back against her chest, nestled nicely in his arms. He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled deeply every so often, exhaling warm air onto her shoulder.
"Oh-shit-it's Emily's birthday today….I forgot-"
"I didn't," Lily said. She pointed to the table. "I wrote a letter. You can add something later."
James smiled down at her. "You're such a good wife, Lily, darling."
"Prat," she answered, flushing. "Don't call me darling."
"I was joking," he told her.
"I haven't forgotten that you're supposed to tell me what's wrong," she said suspiciously, poking him in the chest.
"Ah, yes," he said tiredly, rubbing his eyes. "The Prewetts have got to go off on a…mission, of sorts."
"A mission?"
"I'm not even entirely sure what they're on about," James confided. "All they said was that it was for the Order."
Lily nodded, her brow furrowed. After a moment of silence, she asked, "But what does that have to do with you?"
James glanced around, almost as if someone could be listening. "Well…Molly Weasley is pregnant again. And her husband's a very…distracted man. He's not home often. So they wanted to me to check up on her now and again, since they're so protective of her and all."
"Well…isn't she…how many children does she have?"
"Five. This is her sixth." James shut his eyes and pulled Lily in even tighter, if that was possible.
"Do you think…?" Lily began, hesitating just slightly. James caught her meaning, as he always seemed to do.
"Maybe." He smiled wolfishly. "But…I'd rather do what it takes to make a child rather than actually have one."
Lily's own smiled turned slightly predatory and she hooked one of her legs over his hip so she could rock her pelvis against his. James's eyes fluttered shut and he exhaled, his breath unbearably hot on her neck.
"I love being a newlywed," he gasped, just as she reached for the buttons of his trousers.
……
"James?"
"Mmm?"
"Do you really not want to have children?"
James sighed and splayed his hand over her belly, pressing down lightly so that she shivered from the strange feel of it.
"Why? Are you pregnant?"
"No-oooo…" Lily said, drawing the sound out thoughtfully. "But if I was, would you be very angry?"
"Of course not," James said hurriedly, leaning down to kiss her neck. He began closing and opening his hand under her head, massaging her scalp and relaxing her thoroughly. They were lying side by side on the couch, which was mercifully wide for their strenuous purposes. Lily was spooned up against James, her head resting on his hand on the arm of the sofa, glad for the fire and the warm blanket Lily had had since she was a young child. The bright, colourful wool was scratchy but comforting against her naked skin.
"I'd just like to wait," continued James. "It's not that I don't think we're ready-Merlin, we've been ready for ages-but I don't think it's the right time."
"I'm not sure I understand what you mean," Lily replied.
"What I mean is that we're fighting a war-and like it or not, there's a very real chance we could die. What with all the terrible news we've been getting you could get pregnant, get told someone's dead, and then miscarry and die or something…and I wouldn't be able to live with myself then…"
"I've already…I liked the way it felt," Lily blurted.
"What?" James's breath was tickling her ear.
"I liked having life inside of me. I liked…I liked having a part of you inside me. And what if I don't get a chance again? I was lucky before-there's no telling whether I'll be lucky again."
James shook his head, seeming to suddenly be very decided. "No," he said, his voice low. "I won't let you get pregnant now. Lily-that's not fair to me. Please-just wait. You've got no idea whether it's even safe for you to get pregnant again, considering what happened before."
"Are you forbidding me to have a baby?" Lily asked dangerously, getting up and turning to face him.
James sat up and Lily winced at the sight of the pink scars that ran over his chest and the ones that peeked out around his sides from his back. He had taken those lashes for her-and now when he wanted to protect her, she would not let him. It was ungrateful, childish, rude…and necessary.
"Yes," he said firmly.
Lily got up from the couch and grabbed her clothes, the blanket wrapped around her body, heading for the bedroom. She heard James get up from the couch and by the time he was halfway across the room, she had shut the door and locked it magically. She shoved the dresser in front of the door so he couldn't get it even if he figured out how to open the door. Then, she collapsed, clad only in her favourite blanket, on the bed.
And so occurred their first actual fight as a married couple.
……
James stood staring at the shut door to their bedroom for a long time before turning and going back downstairs to the couch and putting on his clothes. He sat down on the couch and forced himself not to take up his wand and blast his way into the room to apologize.
Merlin damn it all, he was right this time.
Of course he wanted children. He wanted a son of his own so badly he could hardly think sometimes because he was so busy imagining. He wanted a daughter so he could protect her. He licked his lips and sat back on the couch, angry with himself. He should have phrased it better. Now she thought he was controlling husband.
If he lost Lily, he would kill himself. He wouldn't be able to live-and she would not accept that. It was hard for James himself to restrict himself from taking the risks he normally did. It couldn't be harder for Lily. She liked order, of a kind. She didn't feel the need to constantly defy authority, like he did. Getting pregnant would most certainly be defying the authority of their knowledge that it was not the time to bring a child into the world.
He had to get out of there. He grabbed his cloak and his wand and left the house, making sure to seal the door after himself. It would hardly help against a magical attack, but it made James feel a little less worried about whether Lily was okay or not.
He found himself walking the lazy path to the town, but before he reached there he turned and walked back, then repeated the journey, still thinking.
Finally, he returned to the house and let out his routine sigh of relief when he saw that it looked just as he had left it. His nightmare was that one day he would come home and see the house smoldering, then see Lily's body among the ruin. He knew this was unlikely because her training schedule was much like his (except she was several levels below him) and she was rarely home without him unless he went out randomly, but he couldn't help himself from thinking about it. The mind was a terrible thing: it always dreamed up the worst case scenario.
He entered the house and tucked his wand into the special holster he had received in Italy. He was surprised to see Lily sitting at the kitchen table, still in the clothes she had been wearing earlier, although they were slightly more wrinkled now. She looked up when he walked in and gave him an unsure smile.
"I reckoned I should act like an adult and talk to you about this," was her explanation, and James nodded, dreading the coming conversation. He couldn't resist her for long.
She surprised him by sighing. "You're…not right about this," she said slowly, staring down at the table and tracing a design on it with her fingers. "Well, on some levels, you're right."
"Some?" James asked wryly.
Lily sighed once more and lifted her head to meet his eyes. "James-since we both know we don't have that much time left, we should try to live life to its fullest…but then again, this isn't a book or some story or tale. Everything doesn't turn out to be beautiful and honorable and it's sad…but it's very true. I just…we're young. I want to have a baby. I want your baby."
"Well I want you," James said immediately. "And a baby. But I want you more right now because you're here. You're not an unknown. You're a constant."
Lily lifted her chin. "I want to get pregnant," she said slowly.
James considered her, fear growing in his chest. There was no possible way for him to stop her unless he stopped sleeping with her, and there was no way he could do that.
"Well then I guess we'll have to agree to disagree," James said evenly, walking out of the kitchen. Lily stared after him; he could feel her eyes on his back long after he had turned away from her.
…………………………
September 1, 1979
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Their argument, if it was to be called that, eventually faded away until it was nothing but a mere shadow that occasionally darkened their conversation. However, as time passed the tension between them grew until James knew it would reach a breaking point, except he had no clue when that breaking point would be. Normally they avoided the topic completely, naively thinking that if they let it sit for long enough it would go away. Lily still used her contraceptive charm, and James knew she would never stop using it unless he agreed to do so.
Of course it was not to be so, but they were quite good at pretending.
James watched her one morning right after he woke up and observed the way she slept. She always splayed herself over the bed, more often than not lying on top of James or snug against him. The trust she seemed to have in him was so great…it blew James's mind away.
What the hell was she doing with him?
James shook himself out of his contemplative mood and sighed, making sure Lily was covered completely to keep out the cold before he left. He was going early to training because he was going to be supervised out in the field by a Senior Level Auror and he didn't want to be late. He arrived with time to spare and lounged around in the locker room, taking his time to put on his gear. While there, he sighed and tried not to think about Lily and children.
When nine o'clock rolled around, James pushed himself off from the lockers and went out into the main waiting room, where trainees met their trainers. James paused, slightly nervous. He had never done real field work in England before. He had no practical experience with how the system worked. He had only been in training since the first of August, and his advanced levels had apparently piqued the interest of the head of the Auror Department. This practical test was to see whether James really knew what he was doing.
James thought of the some of the horrors he had seen while working for the Order of Light. Yes, he definitely knew what he was doing.
He looked up when he sensed eyes on him, a skill he had picked up when he was in Italy. There was only one other person in the room and he wasn't looking at James; he was reading a magazine. James felt something imperceptible shift behind him and he whirled, drawing his wand and looking quickly from side to side to search out for the mysterious presence.
Suddenly, folds of a shimmering cloak appeared, gathered by a hand. The invisibility cloak fell away to reveal and man in his thirties with a square jaw and an aquiline nose. His piercing blue eyes were cold as he looked James over.
"Good instincts," was all he said, before folding up the invisibility cloak. It vanished from his hands and James had to resist asking where it had gone. James had a feeling this strange man would not appreciate any queries he made.
"Follow me," the man said curtly, and he set off at a brisk pace down the hall. "I know you think you're incredibly special because you're Albus Dumbledore's pet and he gave you recommendations to start at an advanced level, but I'm going to treat you just like any other half-brained rookie who doesn't know his place, which you probably don't. Today we wait for a call to come in, dispatch M.L.Es if they're not already there, and then I take you to the scene, where you try to determine the best path of action. Is all that understood?"
James was seething and his hands were clenched into fists. He gritted his teeth. "Yes, it's understood."
The man seemed to be waiting for something, and James would not give it to him.
"Yes, it's understood, what, Potter?"
James let out a hissing breath and ignored the question. "Do you have a name?"
Ice-blue eyes met James's hazel and they locked in a silent battle of wills for a brief moment. "Wilson," the older man said.
"And how long have you been working for the Ministry, Mr. Wilson?"
"That's none of your business," Wilson snapped, and he threw open a door that led to a relatively small office with an obsessively neat desk and neatly stacked papers all around. Filing cabinets were squashed along one wall and look fit to burst. James stood just inside the door as Wilson sat down at his desk and began writing quickly on a plain sheet of paper. James stood for ten minutes before Wilson said, "Sit down."
James sat in one of the tiny chairs in front of his desk, wincing at the small size. He shifted and tried to get comfortable. He refrained from asking what he was supposed to do.
It turned out he didn't have to wait even five minutes more. A round, glass object on Wilson's desk had just lit up and was emitting a high pitched sound that made James's ears hurt. He winced and Wilson set down his quill and picked up the ball, uttering something James couldn't make out for the life of him. Wilson seemed to be listening carefully to the glass globe as he nodded and stood, placing it back on his desk. He drew his wand and looked up at James, a slightly feral look in his eyes.
"Congratulations, Potter," he said silkily. "you've just been called to your first scene."
……
They Apparated to a street in Hogsmeade and the first thing James saw was a middle-aged woman clawing at the people who were restraining her. She seemed to be determined to attack a man who was just out of reach, staring at her impassively.
Wilson caught the eye of a M.L.E and motioned him over. When the man-who could only be few years older than James-approached, Wilson prodded James in the back.
James cleared his throat and tried to be authoritative. "What's your name?" was the first thing he asked.
"Daniel," the man said confusedly, pushing some thick blond hair off his forehead.
"Right. What's going on here, Daniel?"
"Well, we've got that woman over there who claims that man over there broke into her house and stole her daughter. When she mentioned that he had probably taken the girl so he could run tests with Dark magic on her, we called in the Aurors."
The man's manner suggested that he didn't believe a word the woman was saying, and James instantly disliked him, although he could see why this was so. The woman looked wild and possessed while the man was bewildered and calm. His hair was neatly oiled and his robes were impeccable. As neighbors came out to watch the scene, James felt a sense of foreboding run through him. He did not like this man. Not at all.
"Thanks," James said dismissively, looking at the woman thoughtfully. There was something eerily familiar about her.
"What now, Potter?" Wilson asked coldly from behind him. "Your...experience should have taught you how to deal with such a situation."
James gritted his teeth. "Thank you for the reminder, Mr. Wilson," he replied, before stepping away from the overbearing man, hoping he would never grow to be like him.
James strode over to the woman, who was calming down somewhat. The M.L.Es smirked and James when they saw the training insignia on his chest and looked at each other. One opened his mouth, no doubt to haze James in some manner, but James cut him off.
"I'm James Potter," he said briskly, addressing the woman, whom he had certainly seen before. "What's your name?" It was the third time that day he had asked such a question.
The woman was staring at him as if she had seen a ghost. The she glanced at the man whom she had accused of kidnapping her daughter before turning to James again. "I'm Darleen Meadows," she answered quietly.
James had a fleeting image of Dorcas Meadows, who looked much like this woman except quite a bit younger. He opened his mouth to ask if they were sisters or cousins but shut it in case that compromised the safety of the Order of the Phoenix.
"And your name?" he asked the accused, who smiled charmingly. James disliked him even more.
"Augustus Rookwood. I work for the Ministry as an Unspeakable. Darleen is my wife."
This elicited a sound of rage from Darleen Meadows as she tried to lunge at Rookwood. James held up a hand to stop her as Wilson came over.
"Is this true? Is he your husband?"
"We're separated," Darleen spat, shaking her head of brown curls.
"You realize that as your daughter's parent he's legally able to take her whenever he wants, don't you?" cut in Wilson. James glanced at him and frowned.
"That's not true. The parent in custody-"
"Don't argue with me, Potter," Wilson spat, not taking his contemptuous eyes from Darleen's figure. "I know the law better than you."
James shut his mouth and felt ready to kill his superior. "I'll have to look into that," he settled for saying.
Wilson glanced at him. "No, you don't."
James raised an eyebrow. "One may wonder why you don't want a little girl returned to her mother," he said evenly.
"One may wonder who the one giving the report is going to be. We're finished here. Mr. Rookwood, if you have taken your daughter to stay with you, it would be appreciated if you would inform your wife as to why and give her appropriate contact information, although this is not necessary. You have your rights. Mrs. Rookwood-"
"Miss Meadows," James corrected, but Wilson ignored him.
"-it would be in your best interest if you did not create such mad stories in order to fulfil your need for dramatic substance. Please do not bother your husband again. Good day to all of you."
Wilson grabbed James by the arm and hauled him off, letting go of him for only a moment before Disapparating. James followed, incensed.
"That was completely unfair!" he cried as soon as he walked into Wilson's office.
"Do not try to question me," Wilson said, glaring at James. "Get out, and don't expect a good report. Don't believe everything a finely-figured woman says, Potter. Women lie more often than they do not, and you'd do well to learn that. Now go off and find your prostitute or whatever it is that you do at night-"
"I'm married," James bit out, his eyes narrowed into slits.
Wilson stopped for a moment. "To whom?"
"That's none of your business," James said coldly, and refrained from saying anything else and compromising his future more. He swallowed hard, realizing that his dream of being an Auror had probably just been shattered. He walked out of the office without so much as a goodbye and tried to calm himself down so he didn't splinch himself, and then he Apparated to Darleen Meadows's house.
After he knocked he waited for a full two minutes before the door opened to reveal the woman-Darleen-holding a baby. If she had had her hands free she would have succeeded in slamming the door in James's face, but he managed to keep his foot in the way and shoved himself inside.
Darleen Meadows was cowering, hunched over her baby as if she expected James to hurt her. James imagined how she thought of him, forcing his way into her house, and he felt a twinge of remorse.
"What do you want?" she asked fearfully.
"I want to help you," he said, his voice quiet.
She shook her head. "I don't even know you…."
"I'm here, aren't I? You can trust me to help you. I want to help you."
"You can't," the curly-haired woman said despondently. "He's got her. He's going to keep her. And he knows too much about me. There's nothing you can do."
"So you're just going to give up?" James asked incredulously. "After that huge scene you made out there?"
Darleen shook her head. "You don't understand. If I make him mad enough he'll have me killed, and then where will this little one go? What'll happen to him?"
James looked down at baby in her arms and felt a pang in his chest. "How old?" he managed to say, and he thought of Lily.
"Six months," Darleen said, a touch a pride in her voice.
James cleared his throat. "Wait…how will he have you killed?"
Darleen sighed and sat down. "I'm not sure if you remember me," she began.
"You seem familiar," James told her.
She took a deep breath and looked around the blue kitchen as if someone was watching. She leaned in. "Two years ago," she whispered, "you and Lily Evans were held captive in a cell by You-Know-Who."
James still bore the marks of the experience across his back and chest. He didn't think about it often.
"How do you know that?" he asked, his voice hardly above an octave hers.
She rocked her baby. "I was there," she said after a pregnant pause.
James's mouth dropped open. "What?"
"When you were first taken from your cell and brought into the antechamber. You-Know-Who taunted you in front all of us. I was there."
James stared at her in horror. He hardly even remembered anything that had happened, but he knew where he had seen this woman. He had seen her face under her black hood in the crowd.
"I set you free," she said next, and James felt sicker than he had ever felt in his life. "You and Lily… that was her name, right?"
"You-why?"
"Because I don't believe in what he's doing, but I'm in too deep to get out," Darleen said. "Augustus…he persuaded me to join. I didn't realize…he was there too. Augustus. He was the one who spat on you-I would have…Augustus will tell," she suddenly cried. "If I make him angry enough he'll tell that I'm one of them, and no one will believe me if I rat him out too!"
"Spy," James said softly. "Spy for the good side. I can-"
"No," Darleen said, lifting her chin. "I can't take that risk. I can't spy because I would die. I would cause people pain. I don't want either of those things."
James shook his head incredulously. "That's ridiculous," he said flatly. "You won't take a risk because you're selfish?"
He had trouble breathing as the importance of those words hit him. He was being a hypocrite.
Darleen stood, her face suddenly impassive. She tried to comfort her baby, who had begun to cry. "Yes. That's exactly why. And I don't care what you think of me."
"I'm going to turn you in," he warned, but even he knew it was an empty threat.
"Please. At least we'll be safe then."
James snorted and turned on his heel to leave the house, but she caught his arm. "Please," she repeated, "do you have children?"
James shook his head.
"Are you married?"
"To Lily Evans," he said hoarsely.
She smiled at him slightly and James felt some of his anger leave him. "Then you don't know what it's like. Please try to find my daughter for me," she whispered. "It's…terrible to lose a child."
James nodded shortly and then left the house before returning to his own home, knowing that Lily would be home on her lunch break and would have a little free time before she had to return to her training.
"LILY!" he yelled when he got into the house.
She came rushing into the foyer from the kitchen, wand drawn. She glared at James. "What the hell are you playing at? I nearly had a heart attack!"
He grabbed her and kissed her hotly, forcing her to drop her wand. She brought her hands up and kissed him back, but he could taste her surprise.
"Have you got a contraception charm on right now?" he asked, his breathing labored. Lily shook her head and reached to pick up her wand to perform the charm, but James stopped her.
"Lily…let's make a baby."
……
That evening, right after James and Lily had gotten back from training, James received an owl.
It was from Moody, the slightly scary Head of the Auror department, and it was a summons. James groaned, reluctant to return to the Ministry.
He had been looking forward to tonight.
He explained to Lily where he had to go and left her humming the kitchen as she prepared a salad. He Apparated to the Muggle entrance to the Ministry, entered, and was processed by the night guard. He took the lift down to the Aurors' level and got out, rather nervous. He walked down the length of the hall and knocked on the door at the very end of the corridor.
"Come in!" barked a raspy voice. James pushed opened the door and shut it behind himself. Sitting behind a desk covered in paperwork was the strangest man James had ever seen. Of course, James had seen Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody from a distance, but never this close. His hair was grey and his face looked as if it had had a run in with a set of very sharp knives. James gulped and felt like a six-year-old in trouble.
"What's this?" Moody demanded, throwing a sheaf of parchment at James, who caught it (Moody must have charmed the paper to fly that way) and scanned it. It was a detailed report conveying James's incompetence and his 'utmost lack of respect for his betters'. James winced. There was no way he would be kept in training after this. At the very least, he would be dropped down a few levels, perhaps even below Lily.
"It's a report," James said, his throat tight. "A report about me, by an Auror called Wilson, sir."
"I thought you were smarter than that report suggests," Moody said.
"Pardon?" James asked, confused.
Moody was silent for a long moment, reclining in his chair. He looked shrewdly at James. "I can't keep the Auror Department without corruption," he said gruffly. "There's infiltration. It's just…too dangerous to remove some people without causing the entire department to collapse."
James thought about this. "So…Wilson's a Death Eater?"
"Allegedly. I assumed you would have deduced this when I assigned you to him, which is why I did so. Apparently you're stupid. You shouldn't have argued with him. Now I've got to make that report disappear or you're going to have a black mark on your record for the rest of your damn career."
James didn't say a word. He didn't have any to say.
"I don't like politics," Moody continued. "They're a waste of time. And by the way-Wilson knows you went back to see Miss Meadows and he's going to raise hell in order to get you kicked out of the program. So I'm thinking you're going to do a little internship over in France for a bit and then come back in a couple months or so. You can assist in cases there and whatnot. And you're leaving right now. Since you're going as a trainee you can't have any contact with anyone here. It would compromise security."
James was staring at him in disbelief. "Wait…you're sending me to France? And I…can't talk to anyone here when I go?"
Memories of Italy were rising to the surface. For the briefest moment, James's heart ached for the Palazzo. Then he steeled himself against the hurt. He belonged in England, not Italy, even it was in his blood.
"Afraid so, sonny," Moody said. He paused again. "I understand you've got a wife."
James swallowed hard and nodded. "I…."
"We'll tell her what's happened. A fine woman, your wife is."
James hadn't been aware Moody and Lily had met.
"Go to your locker. You should find suitable clothes there."
James shook his head. "I can't leave. I'd rather be kicked out of training."
Moody stood. "I won't allow that."
"I'm not leaving and not talking to anyone here," James said. "Sir," he added, when he saw the darkening of Moody's face.
"You're going to France, Potter. The question is whether you're going as a civilian or as an Auror trainee…and if you quit this program, you're not allowed back in."
James stared at Moody's scarred face as he thought. He wanted…to have a family with Lily. He wanted to be an Auror. He wanted so many things…but only a few were possible to attain.
"Can I take Lily with me to France?" he asked hesitantly.
"No. She has to complete her own training."
She wanted to be an Auror more than James did. It would be unthinkable to pull her away from that.
James looked up and met Moody's eyes. "Well then I guess you're not my superior anymore."
Moody sighed. "This is the wrong choice, Potter. If you go as an Auror trainee you'll have no contact for two months at the most. It's not so bad. As a civilian…we won't be able to offer you any protection at all. You'll be on your own the whole time. Is that the price you want to pay for the privilege of speaking to your wife? She'll understand."
"We don't do well when separated as such," James said dryly, again remembering Italy. He swallowed hard and his breaths came quicker as he said the words again. "I'm out. I quit the program."
"You'll leave for France tomorrow morning," Moody said angrily. "Out, Potter."
James went.
…………………………
October 31, 1979
…………………………
If this kept up, Lily was eventually going to hate every country in Europe.
Italy? She could never go back there. France? Now it was as ugly as Filch's face.
Lily glanced at the clock. It was only eight in the morning. She had today and the next day off for 'good behavior'. The fact that she was the only woman at her level in the training program set her ahead of all her peers in behavioral matters.
Lily had gotten the shock of her life when James had come back to tell her that he was leaving the next morning for France and that he had quit his training because he 'couldn't stand not talking to her'. Lily had called him and idiot and hadn't spoken to him for an hour, but then he had come to bed and she couldn't possibly resist him then, could she? Of course not.
He owled her every other day to keep her up to date, but he hadn't sent an owl for the past five days. Lily was worried out of her mind, but she stopped thinking about it when the Floo activated and Sirius fell out of the fireplace. She smiled widely and nearly bounded across the room to hug him. He hugged her back tightly.
"I haven't seen you in ages!" she said breathlessly.
Sirius grinned. "Too right. I've missed you, Lily. Ready to leave James and come away with me?"
Lily rolled her eyes. "I just might. I'm bored out of my mind here without him."
Sirius sighed. "Ah, yes. Your sex-drive is out of whack. You're used to shagging like a bunny every day or so."
Lily smacked him playfully on the chest. "Shut up. Have you spoken to Remus lately? I talked to him just yesterday and he sounded terrible."
Sirius's face turned grim. "Yes. I just came from his place, actually. He can't get a job anywhere. Even with his ten N.E.W.Ts. No one wants a werewolf."
Lily bit her lip. There was nothing she could do and it made her feel absolutely useless.
"Well…where've you been?" she asked quietly. "It's been three weeks since I last talked to you."
Sirius hesitated. "I…went to France."
There was a long, silent moment. Then, "I see."
"I know you're mad that Moody won't let you go even though you're off for two days…but I think it's good, you know? This way the Ministry doesn't get angry that their trainees are dropping like flies. They were so angry when James left. He was at the top of his level. They needed him."
"They should have thought about that before they gave him the ultimatum they did," Lily said mercilessly. She had little love for the Ministry.
"True," Sirius conceded. "Anyways, we just talked a lot. I was there for a couple weeks. He's got this great flat overlooking some river or something. It's gorgeous, even though it's so terribly tiny. One day you'll go there."
"I doubt it," Lily snorted. "It's unlikely that I'm going to see him before Christmas, the way things are going! Do you know he hasn't owled me in five days? Normally he sends a letter or something every other day. Not anymore!"
Sirius looked like he was trying to hide a smile. Lily shook her head at him. "Sirius, stop-stop smiling! It's all a game to you! You can be all happy and kind and jovial but it doesn't work that way for me. You don't understand what it's like-"
Sirius quite suddenly wasn't smiling anymore. He stepped away from Lily and walked back a few paces and turned so he was facing the window. His fists were clenched. "Don't tell me that I don't know what it's like to be apart from James," he said quietly, his change of mood so startling that Lily had to catch her breath. "Ever since he…"
Lily bit her lip and sat down.
Sirius turned towards her. "Ever since he married you," he said slowly, "he's been too busy to talk to me. He's been too busy to help Remus during the full moon. Even before he married you-back at school…you broke us apart, Lily…"
Lily opened her mouth to speak, trying to get rid of the painful lump in her throat. She had always felt like she had created a rift, but no one had ever said anything to her about it.
"But it's okay," Sirius said, his voice suspiciously thick for the first time since Lily had known him. She had never once seen Sirius Black cry. "It's okay, Lily, because you and James deserve each other, okay? I've never really liked you that much because…because James is my best friend and I love him like a brother-Merlin, Lily…I'm so sorry-I didn't mean to make you cry-oh, shit…"
Lily shook her head, wiping at her cheeks and staring at the floor.
He was in front of her now, his face chagrined and worried. Lily tried to tell him that it was okay because she deserved it and that he should leave her alone, but the words wouldn't come. Again, she bit down hard on her lip to the point of pain.
"Lily, I love you," Sirius said quietly. "I love you so much and I don't hate you at all. I understand, okay? I get it. You and James are different from most people and I love you both so I…I get it…it's just bloody hard. I'm so used to talking to him about anything at all and now I-well, I can't, can I? He's got you for that. But I-I love you. Both of you…so much."
Lily paused and managed to speak. "I always thought you were like a brother to me. I guess I never knew you disliked me so much."
"Fuck!" Sirius swore vehemently. "Lily-I just said I bloody love you! I've never had a sister and my family's rubbish and I don't hate you. You're like-it's like sometimes I can't breathe if someone tries to hurt you because you're so young and so little and it's as if you're my baby sister. I always wanted a sister and I guess I got one, didn't I? You and James-both of you," he said again. "You're…" He swallowed. "You're family to me."
Lily nodded after a moment. "Okay, Sirius." She tentatively put her arms around him and he tightened his embrace around her.
"Don't worry. I didn't mean to start this now, of all times." He pulled away after a moment and kissed the top of her head, still breathing quickly. As he stood and walked towards the fireplace and threw some floo powder in the grate, he gave her a mystifying little smile, all traces of sorrow gone, although he did look slightly troubled.
"Have a wonderful day, Lily," were his parting words, and then he was engulfed by flames, just as the front door of the house opened and slammed shut. Lily froze and quickly picked up her wand from the side table, lightly getting to her feet. She noiselessly moved across the carpet in her feet (which were covered in thick, woollen socks) and came face to face with James.
She shrieked and threw her wand halfway across the room, jumping on top of him and slamming him against the narrow corridor wall. A strangled laugh came from his mouth before she cut him off with a kiss.
"What" -kiss- "are" -kiss- "you" -kiss- "doing" -kiss- "here?"
He pulled away, still laughing. "I snuck away," he whispered in her ear. "I take it Sirius didn't tell you?"
"He knew?" Lily asked angrily.
"Of course he knew. He helped me."
"He was just here," Lily told James. "We had a…long talk."
James went quiet and met her eyes, and Lily knew that Sirius had already told James what he had been feeling. "Did you, then?"
Lily smiled, pressing her body tighter against his. "Yes," she said, almost shyly. "A long, long talk. It…went alright, I think. James-it's Halloween!"
James laughed yet again. "It's so busy there that no one will notice I'm gone."
Lily cocked her head the side and frowned. "There? Why did you need to sneak away, anyways? If you're just there as a civilian then it shouldn't matter."
James paused. "Lily…"
Lily's shoulders slumped, but not so much. It was hard to be sad when James was right there after so much time. "What now, James?"
"Come on, let's sit," James said. Lily stopped him and shook her head. He sighed. "Alright. Fine. I…went there as a civilian but a week in I got an owl from Moody-and he told me to go to the British Embassy in France. So I went and the ambassador is a wizard, did you know that? Anyways, he is. And he…he gave me an assignment. From Bagnold. She took notice of me, you see. And she sent an assignment for me to have-"
"You've said," Lily prompted him irritably.
She had just noticed that his robes were of very fine quality and that they shouldn't be, considering the amount of money he had taken with him. "Wait-James-are you getting paid? Do you have a job in France now?"
"No!" James cried. "Bagnold sent me an assignment from…from the Department of Mysteries."
Lily's face was so close to his she could kiss him if she pleased, but she didn't. "Oh."
"I've got one more leg of this assignment and then I can come back and I won't have to worry about Wilson or anyone. And it pays well, too! And I'll still have the job when I come back." James, who had his hands on her waist, squeezed slightly and she giggled at the tickling sensation.
"Stop persuading me," she said accusingly. "I'm not angry. Just…surprised."
She watched with interest and James's gaze turned hot. He leaned in and languidly placed an open-mouthed kiss on her neck, dragging his tongue across her pulse point. Lily laced her fingers in his hair and smiled, quite willing to let their almost-argument go for the time being.
"Race you upstairs," James whispered in her ear, before disappearing with a pop. Lily swore and almost tripped over herself to get to her wand and quickly Apparated into the bedroom. She collided with James and they fell on the bed.
They didn't get up for the rest of the day.
……
James shook Lily awake. He was afraid he had knocked her out during their last…coupling…but he needn't have worried, because her eyes blinked open and she turned on her side, groaning.
"Ow-James, I'm not going to be able to walk tomorrow!"
"Good thing you don't have training, then," James said smugly, motioning for her to turn over on her back. He began kneading out the knots and she moaned, hugging a pillow. Her eyes were drifting shut.
"What time is it?" she yawned.
James glanced out the dark window at the moon and then at the clock. "A little after eleven."
He leaned over her boneless body as he worked and swallowed hard.
"Lily?" he whispered.
"Mmm?"
"I have to go."
She sighed wearily and opened her eyes. "Why?"
"My assignment. I should already be packing."
"Packing? It's so late!"
James sighed and stopped massaging her back, lying down next to her. "Yes. I've got to go somewhere and we probably won't be able to talk for a while."
Lily shut her eyes. "Okay, then." Then she opened her eyes once more. "I don't…want you to go."
"I don't want to go either," James said. "But I've got to."
"Can you tell me…?"
"I can't tell you anything."
Lily sighed and rolled over her on her back. She turned her head to look at James. "What time do you have to leave by?"
"Midnight."
"We've got an hour," Lily said slyly. "Once more?"
"Your stamina amazes me," James said, as he eagerly got up and rolled on top of her.
Lily's only answer was to kiss him, and when they were finally satisfied and had said their goodbye, James kissed her sleeping eyes and laid a hand over her stomach. Then he covered her sweaty body with a sheet and then threw on his clothes, looking at her face before he Disapparated to go take a shower, far away in France.
…………………………
December 20, 1979
…………………………
The one thing Lily never knew was that James had occasionally dropped in on Molly Weasley whenever he could. It came as a great shock to her when Molly asked if Lily could watch Molly's children while she and her husband attended some event or the other. Lily, although she was startled, replied in the affirmative and went there five days before Christmas at three o'clock on the dot.
Molly Weasley was literally flying around the house. A brightly-topped red-haired boy let her in and smiled. Lily smiled back at him and looked around the house, shocked. There were so many children!
The boy who had opened the door looked at her curiously. "You're married to James Potter?"
Lily nodded, trying to smile. She didn't like it when people mentioned James because it made her think of him too much, but with this little kid, it was okay.
"I'm Bill," he said, introducing himself. "Your name is Lily, right?"
Lily nodded again, slightly surprised. Just how much time did James spend here?
"That's Charlie," Bill said, pointing to a boy who looked about nine in the corner, playing with a Puffeskein. He pointed to a playpen with two infants he introduced as Fred and George, who were shrieking at the top of their lungs. In the corner reading a book was a three-year old named Percy.
"Oh, goodness!" Molly cried as she caught sight of Lily and skidded to a stop. "Lily! I had no idea you were here!"
Lily laughed. "Well…here I am."
"It's so good to finally meet you!" Molly said, grabbing Lily and hugging her tightly. Lily was so shocked she hardly breathed until Mrs. Weasley let her go, and then she blushed under her scrutiny. "There's food set out on the counter-just Finite it and it'll be ready-Percy will be fine, try to make sure Charlie doesn't get his hand bitten off, and Fred and George may be a little wild. Bill can help you with them. I'll be back by eight. Any questions?"
Lily, stunned, as she had been since she walked in the door, shook her head.
"Good. I'll just be leaving then."
Lily nodded. "That's fine, Mrs. Weasley."
"Oh, no, dear!" Mrs. Weasley said as she opened the door. "Call me Molly!"
The door slammed behind her and Lily turned back towards the living room. All five children were looking at her as if amazed. Lily swallowed hard. "So…um…how old are all of you? I'm Lily, by the way."
"I'm nine," Bill said.
"I'm seven," Charlie added. "Percy's three. Fred and George are turning two in April."
Lily nodded. "I'm…nineteen."
"Do you have any kids?" Bill asked curiously.
Lily paused. "No…"
"Oh…is James cool to live with? James is very cool," Charlie said.
"How often do you see James?" Lily asked, sitting down next to Bill.
"Well…we haven't seen him in a couple of months, actually. We saw him on Halloween and we didn't see him for all of September or October. We saw him every other day in August, though."
"Really?" Lily said. "What about your uncles? How often do you see them?"
Bill winced. "We haven't seen Uncle Gid and Uncle Fab since…the middle of August. Right around when James started visiting. Chrissy's our normal babysitter. She's normally here when James is, but Mum's met him a whole bunch of times and when my dad's been home he talked to him too. Everyone around here likes James."
"I can see why," Lily said seriously. "James is very cool to live with."
"When did you leave Hogwarts?" Bill inquired.
"I left Hogwarts last year. In 1978."
Bill nodded. "I'm going to Hogwarts in three years. Charlie over there will go in five. And-"
Lily cut him off. "And your mum's having another baby? When's she supposed to have it?"
"March," Bill said. Lily checked to make sure Charlie was playing safely and that Percy was still reading his book. The two twins, Fred and George, were laughing in their playpen. "It'll be another boy. There hasn't been a Weasley girl in about three or four generations, I think."
"I have a sister," Lily said conversationally. "She's horrible."
"I'm sorry," Bill answered without missing a beat. "I know all about terrible siblings."
He shot a pointed look towards Fred and George.
Lily laughed. "Are any of you hungry? Do you need snacks or anything?"
Bill shook his head but Charlie looked up. "Pie?"
Lily got up to look in the kitchen. Sure enough, she found a delicious smelling apple pie on the counter. She removed the charm used to preserve it and then served a piece up on a plate and got a fork. She handed it to Charlie and he ate in it five bites. "Can we play Quidditch?" he asked then, and Lily winced.
"I don't think so," she said.
"Aw, come on," said Bill, suddenly animated. "Please?"
"No," Lily said. "I can't come up and watch you on a broom so if something happens I can't help you."
"Flying's not that bad!" Bill cried, standing up. "I'll teach you."
Lily laughed. "Oh-no, I can fly. I was on the Quidditch team as a chaser my seventh year. I just don't feel comfortable letting you up there. Maybe…later."
Just then, the Floo activated with whump! that startled Percy and finally made him drop his book. Fred and George shrieked and Charlie rolled his eyes. Bill calmly looked at the fire as Remus Lupin's head appeared in the flames. His eyes fell on Lily. "Oh, good. Lily-can we come over there?"
"Of-of course," Lily said, astonished. "Why…?"
Yet he was already gone, and ten minutes later Remus and Sirius were in the Weasleys' living room. Their faces were so grim that Lily's heart sank. "Sirius-Remus-"
Sirius held up a hand and then stepped away from Remus, walking over to Bill and Charlie. "Hey-you guys up for some Quidditch?"
Lily was saddened when Charlie paused, narrowing his eyes. "Who are you?"
Seven-year-olds shouldn't be so suspicious.
Sirius took this in stride. "I'm Sirius Black. You know my best friend, James."
Bill nodded. "Alright. You got a broom?"
When Sirius pulled something out of his pocket and enlarged it Lily bit her lip, as she often did. It was almost as if he was...prepared to distract the children.
"Come on, Percy," Sirius said, as he cast a Heating Charm on the playpen and then levitated it outside. "Get your coat on."
Percy sighed, something comical for a three-year-old. He put down his book and went out into the foyer. Sirius, still levitating the playpen, followed, giving Lily an encouraging smile as he went.
Lily turned to Remus as soon as he was gone. "What's going on?" she asked, wincing because her voice was so shrill.
"You should've left a note at your house. We couldn't find you for a while."
"I didn't expect anyone to come looking. Remus, what's wrong?"
"Sit down, Lily."
"No."
"Sit down," Remus growled, and Lily sat. "Listen-Lily, James is…he's missing."
"What do you mean by 'missing'?" Lily cried, jumping up.
"He's missing," Remus repeated. "As in…the Ministry doesn't know where he is. The British Embassy doesn't know where he is."
"For how long?" Lily demanded. "How long has he been missing?"
Remus hesitated.
"How long?"
Remus put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her back into her chair. "Three weeks."
"And no one bloody told me?" Lily shrieked. "They tell you first when they decide to tell anyone? What the fuck is wrong with these people?"
"Look, Lily. James didn't tell anyone in France he was married because he didn't want anyone going after you. So they didn't know to tell you. They sent owls to the Ministry and Sirius and me at the same time. And we all tried to find you-the Ministry's sent out a representative to get you-"
Lily didn't want to hear anymore. She nodded along with whatever Remus was saying until she felt one his hands in hers. "Lily-do you understand what I'm saying?"
She shook her head.
"You can't stay at your house," Remus said slowly, as if he had already gone over this. He probably had.
"Why?" Lily whispered.
"Pay attention," he said gently. "You don't know where's he's gone or if he's…in danger right now. Someone could come after you. I would…I would let you stay with me but the flat's too small. And Sirius…well, I don't think you should stay with him."
"Because of his women," Lily spat, remembering what James had told her of Sirius's escapades after he and Remus had gotten separate flats.
"Shh…" Remus said. "Is there anywhere else you can stay?"
"I'll be fine at the house," Lily told him, still staring at the Christmas tree in the corner.
"No. We'll find somewhere safe for you."
Lily nodded, hugging herself. Remus said something and when she looked up, he was gone. Lily shook off her confusion and went into the kitchen, where she absently began setting the table and taking charms off of food. She dished out vegetables, chicken, sauces, and salads onto plates and set down cutlery next to each place setting. Everything was worn but very clean, and Lily quite suddenly forgot what she was doing.
The forks were on the wrong sides. Lily picked all the silverware up and began to switch the forks with the spoons, then remembered she wasn't supposed to do that. After a moment, she just gave up and went back into the living room, waiting for Sirius to bring the children back. She wondered how he was dealing with all five. Her musings were interrupted when Remus returned and helped her stand.
"Snap out of it," he said. "Wake up."
Lily shook her head, rather liking the fog her mind was encased in. Remus sighed and guided her to the fireplace, where Lily finally spoke.
"Where are we going?"
"I'm taking you to Maria's," Remus said evenly.
Lily, who knew Maria was living with Jonathan Davis, finally came back to the world of the living. "Oh-I can go by myself, Remus."
"No," he said grimly. "I'll come."
"Remus, no. I can go myself. Look! I'm sane…just a little out of it."
"If you're trying to protect me from finding out that Maria's living with Jon Davis, you can stop. I've known for quite a while. I even spoke to him just now."
Lily winced; Remus laughed. "Lily, I'm fine. I'm a big, bad wolf. I can take it."
Lily threw the Floo powder into the fire and coughed. "Maria's flat!" she cried; and then she gave up to the overwhelming dizzy feeling the Floo produced.
Maria must have been waiting for her because she caught Lily the minute she fell from the grate and enveloped her in a huge hug. Lily hugged her back and buried her face in her neck. She felt the rush of warmth as Remus came out just behind her and heard Maria's soft intake of breath. "Remus."
"I talked to Jon-he said it was alright if Lily-"
"It's fine," Maria said quickly as she released Lily. "Um…I guess we should…"
"I should be going. I left Sirius with five Weasleys. You know how that can get." Lily saw the effort it took Remus to smile.
"How is Sirius?"
"He's doing alright," Remus said, and he glanced at Lily. She smiled encouragingly at him and made a little shooing motion with her hands. The last thing she wanted was for Maria or Remus to be sad. Remus came over and hugged Lily and then headed for the fire again. He paused and turned the slightest bit so he could see Maria but Lily could not make out his face. "Jon…he's a good bloke."
Lily did catch the flush that spread over his cheeks and she hid a smile as he quickly threw green powder into the fire.
"Remus?"
He turned towards Lily. "Yes?"
"Don't let Sirius feed them sweets before dinner, please. And…could you explain to Molly for me?"
"Of course," Remus said, and then he left.
There was silence for a while before Maria sat down on the couch next to Lily. "Well, Professor Evans," she said. "'I mean-Professor Potter."
Lily smiled. "Miss Danes," she said in return. She looked around the cozy flat. There was a small Christmas tree near the far wall with several gifts underneath it, as well as two armchairs and an ottoman. "Any chance of that becoming Mrs. Davis anytime soon?"
Maria shrugged. "Perhaps," she said cryptically. "We're eighteen-but his parents actually do approve and wizards marry young more often than not."
"That's only if you ever get over Remus, though," Lily pointed out wryly, because she didn't want to think about herself.
Maria didn't even deny it. "Of course. It's not that easy, though. Even though it's been a long time since we were really together. I mean-it's almost as if we're still together because we never really had that big break up fight, did we? We just went our separate ways. I-I'm still a little angry with him for the stupid train and God only knows how many reasons he has to hate me-"
"He doesn't hate you!"
"He should," Maria said fiercely. "I wouldn't blame him. Even Jon knows that I'm not fully there all the time. And Jon's great, really…but he's-" Maria leaned in, "-he's terrible in bed. I get myself off so much I can hardly-"
"Maria!" Lily scolded.
Maria laughed. "I'm just waiting for a confrontation with Remus. I know it's coming."
"I know," Lily said. "Just wait."
A sound from another room made Lily jump. Maria bit her lip. "That's just Jon."
"I gave your research to James," Lily said suddenly, remembering.
"Did you?" Maria asked, for she knew exactly what Lily was talking about.
"Yes. He said he would take it to a specialist he knows. I don't…I gave them to him before he went to France…so I'm not sure what happened to them. But we'll get them back. I swear."
"Does Remus know?" Maria asked, cocking her head to the side.
"No. I was going to tell him-" Lily began.
"No! Don't tell him."
Lily sighed. "Fine. If that's what you want."
Maria looked like she was about to say something but Jon Davis walked into the living room and smiled at Lily. He brushed some dirty blond hair out of his eyes and smiled at Lily. "Hi, Professor Evans," he said teasingly.
Lily laughed. She had always liked Jon Davis and it had been hard to hate him for being the root of Remus's suffering. "Hello, Jon-athan," she added, unsure what to call him.
"Jon," he said, and she nodded.
It was then that she noticed the sheaf of parchment in his hand. It was a list of some sort.
"What's that?" she asked, and he met her eyes guiltily. His eyes were a cloudy grey and he glanced at Maria before handing the parchments to Lily. It was a messy, scrawled list of positions of Ministry employees. "Where did you get this?" she asked. She shook the list at him and he flinched.
"I…."
"Jon is an assistant in the Minister's office. He's interning," Maria explained. To Jon, she said, "So. How'd you get it?"
"I nicked it," he said, flushing and shrugging.
Lily wasn't listening because she was perusing the list. She saw familiar names but didn't stop until she came to the P's, and there she frantically searched for James's name.
It was right there, between Portman and Prewett.
Andrew Portman-dismissed as of 16/12/79
James Potter-missing as of 27/11/79, presumed dead as of 16/12/79
Fabian Prewett-leave of absence taken on 14/08/79
Gideon Prewett-leave of absence taken on 14/08/79
When Lily looked up, she was smiling. Jon and Maria shared a look to ask whether she was mad, but, Lily just shook her head and handed the list back to Jon.
"He's not dead," she told them empathetically, almost as if she was giving them a gift. "I'd bring him back and kill him again if he had died on me now, of all times."
"Well then," Maria said after a pause, "that's that. Who wants to go get some ice cream?"
……
That night, after Lily had eaten peanut-butter swirl ice cream with strawberry sauce, rainbow sprinkles, and whipped cream, she lay awake in her bed, mostly thinking about Maria, Jon, and Remus.
Maria and Jon had a very strange relationship. They seemed to be extremely good friends, but Lily could see in the way that he looked at her that if they were to ever break up, there was no way they would stay in contact with each other. They were friends out of necessity. He warned her when her ice cream was about to fall into her lap and she made sure he didn't get ice cream all over his face, but either way the disaster was coming. They just didn't see it.
Maria and Remus belonged to each other. Lily had thought the same thing about Sirius and Maria but with Remus-Remus was different. Lily got up and went to the window, staring out at the snow on in the alley below, which was the only view their tiny flat offered. Her room was half the size of the one she had had with Sirius and Remus, and that was saying something.
The moonlight was on her hands now. She stared at them as if she had never seen her thin fingers before in her life. Her chest ached when they thought about the look on Remus's face when he mentioned Maria. Lily wondered whether James was like that about her, wherever he was.
Of course he is, said a hollow voice in her mind, and Lily realized it was her own. She put her hands over her belly and lifted her chin. No more crying, she ordered herself. You can't get all depressed and stop taking care of yourself.
She saw a smile touch her mouth in the mirror the glass of the window offered. For one moment, she was staring at both her reflection and the snow outside, and the double vision made her pleasantly dizzy.
After all, you're taking care of two now.
With that lovely and satisfying thought, Lily went back to her bed and willed herself to sleep, and she dreamed of nothing, so that when she woke up the next morning she was nicely rested for the trials that were to come. The first came when she opened her stupid mouth in the morning at the kitchen table, where she already felt out of place.
"Maria, I wanted to ask Remus whether he…." She trailed off when she noticed the tightening of Jon's mouth and the way Maria bit her lip and looked into her mug, her plump-just-to-the-point-of-being-voluptuous figure slouching the slightest bit. "…would let me go to my house to get some clothes," she finished helplessly.
"He dropped some by," Jon said quietly, lifting his mug and draining it, then Banishing it to the sink. "This morning."
Since it was only nine, Lily wondered just how early Remus had dropped in. She nodded and looked at her tea, biting her tongue. Jon kissed Maria coolly on the cheek before leaving through the Floo for work.
"I'm sorry," Lily said as soon as he had gone. Maria didn't answer and Lily frowned. "What happened?"
"I get up really early," Maria said with a sigh. "I dunno. I always kind of liked the sunrise. It's nice up on the roof, even if it is bloody cold. So I was just going up there when Remus came so I invited him up with me."
"To watch the sunrise," Lily clarified.
"Yes!" Maria cried defensively.
Lily sighed, pressing her fingers to her temples. "Maria, Maria, Maria. Friends do not watch sunrises together. The first time I watched a sunrise with a bloke we ended up snogging!"
"James is special," Maria told Lily sardonically, guessing correctly who the unnamed boy Lily had mentioned was. "I didn't even consider touching Remus. We weren't even that close! But then we came down and Jon was up waiting and it was so awkward. I mean-you've got to understand the Jon's always looked up to Remus and James and Sirius. And on some levels I reckon he envied Peter for being their friend. And I don't know…he feels he has to compete with Remus."
"Because he does have to compete with him," Lily explained patiently. "You once told me you could tell that James and I were going to be together because of your magic, but you can't tell for your own relationships, can you? Jon really likes you, but he knows that you still need Remus because you never broke it off with him. It's exactly what you said last night. You don't have any damn closure with Remus and it's getting between you and Jon, so take some bloody initiative and go talk to Remus and really break up with him."
"No thanks," Maria snapped, "I don't need your views on my love life." She went to her bedroom.
"Bugger," Lily muttered, before getting to her feet. She looked at Maria's closed door before rolling her eyes. She stopped herself when she remembered that Maria was only a year younger than Lily herself was.
She pondered going to talk to Remus and for once decided not to meddle. She frowned, got up and put her mug in the sink, and then quietly let herself out after summoning her cloak from her room. She walked the cold streets of Diagon Alley and stopped at the Leaky Cauldron for a drink of hot chocolate.
She sat at the bar and sipped, carrying on a conversation with Tom, who had lost still more teeth. He expressed how disappointed he was that she wasn't working at the pub anymore and Lily smiled, shrugging.
"I'm married, now," she said, swallowing and savoring the taste of her drink.
"To James Potter," Tom said, his words garbled because of his lack of teeth. Lily marvelled that he could speak at all.
"What's this? My prettiest girl's gone and gotten herself married? Why wasn't I invited?"
Lily whirled around and grinned at Sam Higgins, shoving aside the ache that came from thinking about James or hearing his name.
"You old drunk," she retorted. "You were invited and you came! You got so drunk you almost started dancing on the tables. You would've if your wife hadn't stopped you!"
"Well, I do recall it now that you've reminded me," Sam teased, his old face contorting with a smile. Lily hugged him and he sat down beside her.
"Firewhiskey, Tom! Straight up!"
Tom sent the drink whizzing down the bar and Sam grabbed it, draining it in one gulp. He slammed the glass down on the table and turned to Lily. "So-how's Potter doing?"
Lily forced a little smile. "Oh-James is fine. He's in France for a little while…he'll be back for Christmas."
Sam scowled. "What's he doing leaving you alone at a time like this? I'll have to talk to him sometime."
Lily sighed and shook her head. "Oh, Sam," she said fondly, before draining her mug and standing. She kissed Sam on the cheek. "Say hello to your wife," she ordered, before waving goodbye to Tom and leaving the pub.
She walked around that area of Muggle London until it got dark. Instead of going back to Maria's, where she knew they would be worried, she used the fire in the Leaky Cauldron to Floo to her own house. She looked around but nothing was out of place, and she was startled to realize she had only been gone one night. She sat down in an armchair in the living room and looked out the window, drawing her knees up to her chest and sighing.
When she heard the door open, she rolled her eyes. She could stay in her house by herself-she didn't need Remus or Sirius or Maria checking up on her. She turned to tell either one of them off and got quite a shock.
James stood there, looking frazzled and quite shocked to see her. "I was just here-you weren't-where have you been, Lily?"
"Where have I been?" Lily asked shakily, staring at him as if he were a ghost. "I've been at Maria's-where the hell have you been? You're presumed dead right now by the Ministry!"
James swore. "Damn. Well-I'm alive. I guess I'd better tell them that."
"Oh, nonononono!" Lily said in a rush, darting forward towards him. "First tell me what you've been doing for the past three weeks!"
James gave her a strange look. "See, I don't get this. I sent owls to you and the British Ministry, telling you I was going to Italy. I didn't tell the Embassy in France-but I definitely told you and Sirius and Remus and the Ministry. So my question is-how did four owls go missing?"
Lily was still hung up on the first part of his statement. "You went to Italy?"
"Yes," James said, rubbing his eyes. "My assignment's done. It'll help a lot. I got off a month ago and before I came back I wanted…I wanted to help out Remus. So I took all of Maria's research and brought it to Gabrielle-why are you looking at me like that?"
"Why did you have to go to Italy?"
"Because that's where Gabrielle lives!"
"And you stayed with her for three weeks?" Lily asked, her voice rising in pitch.
"Yes. I didn't sleep with her, if that's what you're asking."
"That's not what I'm asking," Lily snapped. "I just want to know why you left me alone all this time!"
"Because I had no choice! It's so hard to get to her and there's no way I could get back to her so I had to wait until she finished. She was already working on something similar so it didn't take so long. She said to commend Maria because her work was amazing. Gabrielle said to offer a job to her…oh, Lily-why are you so cranky?"
"I missed you, toad," she said affectionately, her anger draining out of at the sight of his confusing, even as she was recalling her reason for having such mood swings.
"I missed you too," James said, seeming incredulous that he had to say it. "Of course I did. Lily-what the fuck do you think this is about? Do you think I want to be away from you like this? I don't-Lily-"
"I'm…sit down."
He sat immediately and Lily sat down next to him. "James-you remember that last time you came home?"
He nodded. "Like I'd forget," he snorted. "I don't know how that bed's still standing-Lily-what's wrong?"
She was shaking with laughter and a few giggles escaped her mouth. "James," she gasped happily, "I'm pregnant."
…………………………
December 24, 1979
…………………………
"To family!"
"To family! everyone chorused, taking their glasses of champagne and sipping. Lily held hers at her side, smiling.
"To peace," she said quietly, and it was echoed solemnly by every person in the room. Lily set her glass down and slid her hand into James's, squeezing tightly. "Well…it's…it's almost a year after many of us joined the Order-and we, James and I, thought we'd make an announcement to celebrate…"
"Lily's going to have a baby," James said to the silent room, and a pin dropping could have been heard. Suddenly, the entire room erupted into sound as people crowded around Lily and James, hugging each with an offer of congratulations. Lily glanced at James and beamed at his grinning face, feeling as if nothing could touch her until she saw Maria's face in the back of the room.
Maria had not attended with Jon, but had come with her friend from school, Grace Seymour. She was currently staring openly at Remus, who had noticed, because when he came near Lily to kiss her on the cheek, she saw the flush that rode high on his cheekbones. She gave him a sympathetic look as Maria began to move towards them with the grace of a panther on the prowl.
"Lily," she murmured, pressing her cool cheek against Lily's and kissing her lightly. "Congratulations…but are you sure you want to do this now?"
Lily struggled not to explode, because it wasn't any of Maria's business, but Remus cut in.
"What do you mean?" he asked harshly.
"There's a war going on, Remus," Maria said dryly. "Lily can't train if she's pregnant, and the Ministry needs all the Aurors it can get."
"I don't-"
Remus cut off Lily's defense. "I think it's worth it. I'd rather have a baby of my own than a license to kill Dark wizards."
"Personally, I think it would have worked out better if they had waited longer," Maria said hotly, in her element. She lifted her chin proudly as Remus's eyes blazed. "It's a little selfish in times like these, isn't it?"
Maria couldn't possibly mean the things that were coming out of her mouth. Lily wouldn't believe that Maria meant what she was saying. "It's not-"
"You ungrateful, unsympathetic, manipulative, ugly little bitch," Remus spat out. "How dare you, Miss Danes? It's not as if you're married and have the desire to have children, let alone the ability to commit yourself to something as time-consuming as a child. You're just a lonely hag and you've got nothing better to do that ruin a perfectly good party."
By now, the people closest to Lily, Remus, and Maria were being to quiet down and listen. Lily watched helplessly.
"I'm lonely?" Maria asked. "Look at you! You can't even manage to secure a job! Your friends don't trust you anymore, they don't care as much as they used to-you're a-"
"None of that's my bleeding fault!" Remus hissed, livid. "If the world weren't so petty and prejudiced I'd have a rather good job, which is more than I can say for you. All you do is cater to the whims on Jon Davis all day when he comes home from his shit job at the ministry that he only got because of his daddy's bleeding connections!"
"Jon's a good, reliable person, Remus," Maria shouted. "We've got a good relationship and you don't want to accept that!"
"That's because you're settling," Remus said, his voice now so quiet it was hardly audible. Lily had to strain to hear. As one, all the people in room leaned forward to hear what was said. "And I never knew you to settle."
His anger was just beneath the surface of his words. Lily took a step backwards.
"He's not anything like me," Remus whispered in Maria's ear, and Maria went white as a ghost. "He's completely different-he doesn't satisfy you-you want a good shag so bad you're panting for it…you're pathetic, Maria."
With careful, controlled movements, Maria pushed Remus away. "I'm not pathetic," she enunciated. "What's pathetic," she continued, "is that it's taken us this long to finally realize what a terrible couple we made."
She had gone too far, of course, but no one really realized it except Lily, who saw the way both of them reacted: anger.
"Aw, damn. They just ruined Christmas," James whispered in Lily's ear as the two quarrellers stalked off furiously in opposite directions.
…….