I own nothing.
**
Chapter 20: Doomed
[Flying at Tree Level, by Brand New]
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May 13, 1978
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The arrival of May brought along change. Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup against Ravenclaw on the thirteenth day of May, Friday the thirteenth. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter royally pranked the Slytherins as a victory show, even though they had played Ravenclaw. It was the only excuse they could come up with.
Remus and Maria avoided each other, although Lily was not sure why. Something had happened-Maria and Sirius weren't going out anymore. Lily quite suspected it had something to do with Remus but she couldn't be sure, although she had learned early on to follow her instincts.
There was an explosive party in the Gryffindor common room after they won the Cup and Lily herself talked McGonagall into letting it continue. She sat in a corner and studied for her N.E.W.Ts as the party raged around her, and she looked up every so often to make sure nothing too rowdy was happening.
At one point James grabbed Lily's arms and pulled her into the middle of the room, into the thick of the dancing couples. They swayed from side to side during one song and then Lily begged off, leaving to study her Transfiguration.
She stayed absorbed in her texts until the party finished and James told her firmly to go upstairs and sleep. After an argument that ended with them snogging against a wall, Lily went to bed.
She felt James slip into her bed sometime in the middle of the night, just as she was falling into her slumber. Feeling quite cross, she began pulling at the hem of her nightshirt.
"I'm too tired," James said through a yawn, hooking an arm around her waist and pulling her flush against his body. Lily pressed her face into his chest and reveled in the feel of him-his irresistibility and his strange magnetism-his strange ability to surprise her with everything he did-and didn't-do.
"I love you," she said, and he hugged her tighter.
Something awoke her later, at almost half-past three. She looked around the room and only heard the sounds of James's and Clara's breathing. She slid out of James's arm and slipped out of the curtains, knowing that she wouldn't get back to sleep. She took one of the books she had taken from the library off the table and went down to the common room.
Her lessons with Patel had all but ceased. Patel had taught Lily everything she knew in the past few months, and now Lily only went for periodic lessons to show Patel that she was progressing. Lily knew the same went for James, and was itching to know just what he was learning.
True to her nature, Lily was looking for a way for James to blockade his feelings, something he had trouble doing without holding back too much. There was really no middle ground for him. He either let it all out or blocked it all in. He needed to find a way to use both skills.
Lily cracked open her book and began to read where she had left off.
Many Empaths have all the Empathic magics, but the most common combinations are plain Empathy, along with Linking and Amoratical magic. Traces of Inspiration are found in most Empaths. It is very rare to come across a powerful Empath who doesn't have these three powers…
Lily stopped reading and frowned. James wasn't an Amoris. If he was an Amoris, he could have been able to resist Maria. Lily shook her head and shut the book, staring into the dancing flames. James…an Amoris. She would kill him if he hadn't told her.
Then again, it seemed that the strangest things happened to Lily and James, so maybe it wasn't unusual for him to be the odd one out, the one without Amoratical magic.
"Yes, that's it," Lily spoke aloud, but the words sounded hollow to her own ears.
**
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May 18, 1978
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Maria Danes slammed her pile of books down on the common room table and dropped into the chair beside Lily with a long-suffering sigh.
"Hello, Maria," Lily said amusedly. "Are you all right?"
Maria shook her head. "No. Boot's going to kill me with all this work!"
Lily smiled. "Sixth year Potions final. I remember…I did an advanced study on Protective Potions. What're you doing?"
Maria hesitated. "I'm…I'm actually researching a potion that hasn't been created yet."
Lily straightened in her chair. "Really? What's it do?"
"It's…something I'm working on," Maria said evasively. "I think I'm going to ask for Snape's help."
Lily did a double-take. "Really?" Snape was the last person she would go to.
"Yes. I'm not sure what ingredients I'll need. I have an idea though, and they'll be hard to get. I figure he'll know where I can get them."
Lily shrugged. "As long as I don't have to talk to him."
"No one asked you to," Maria snapped.
Lily stared at her. Maria flushed.
"I'm sorry. I'm a little…stressed. I'm really stressed, actually."
"Why so?" asked Lily, putting down her quill on top of her notes.
"Sirius," Maria answered. "And…Remus."
"Remus?" Lily asked innocently, although she knew that something was happening between the two of them.
Maria looked at her sharply. "Yes, Remus. It's been a month since Sirius…stopped dating me." She made a face. "More like: He talked quietly, I yelled, he yelled, I cried, now he won't talk to either me or Remus and it's stupid because really, Remus is one of his best friends and they shouldn't be fighting over me, right? But they are and I-"
"Maria. Calm down."
Maria took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. Ever since…my parents…" She stopped and shut her eyes, then forced them open. "Ever since my parents died," she continued steadily, "I tend to ramble. I'm not…as controlled anymore."
"I think you'll get better after a time," Lily said wisely. She sighed. "Once when I was out in the woods with my father-it was my birthday…the winter solstice, you know? And it was snowing just a little and the sky was really clear and it was a new moon…and I just…I was only ten or so and I asked him what happened when people died. The old lady down the street who always yelled at me had died the other day and I wanted to know where she went."
She paused. Maria looked at her expectantly. "What did he say?"
"He told me that when a person dies they become a star," Lily whispered, looking at her hands, "and that I shouldn't hate Old Lady Dower because she no longer knew how to hate-when you become a star all you know is complete happiness…oh, I'm such a daddy's girl!" Lily exclaimed with a smile.
Maria nodded. "I am too. I mean I was. I just-love my father so much. Even though he's gone…I still love him. And my mother. I'd rather have them as parents for only a year than have anyone else for fifty."
Lily smiled. "I think I know what you mean."
Maria sighed. "Anyway," she said. "What were we talking about before?"
"Sirius and Remus."
"Ah. Yes," Maria said. She shook her head. "I don't know what to do. I don't want this drama. I just want to run away."
Lily put a hand on her arm. "If you do that," she said urgently, "you'll destroy Remus. And soon enough, you'll destroy Sirius."
Maria smiled thinly. "I wasn't serious. I've still got a year of school left."
"Maria…" Lily started, looking down blankly at her highlighted Transfiguration notes. "I think I've got some advice that'll help you."
"Please tell me," Maria said immediately, scooting her chair closer.
"It's like this," Lily said. "I dated Sirius, all right? You know that. And I'm going to tell you that the only reason he dated me was because he and the rest of the boys had a bet going on. And-he's really not that bad…he does commit to relationships…and he cares about his friends more than anything.
"It wasn't hard for him to give me up to James because he always thought we would end up together, whether that's true or not. It's harder for him with you because he really wants you, but he knows in the long run-Remus and you will be better together.
"I didn't want to cause any problems between the Marauders and I didn't want any drama-but it happened. And if I had avoided the drama and stayed with Sirius-or just stayed away altogether after I broke up with Sirius, then I wouldn't be dating James. He's…intense, you know? He loves life so much…so much more than I did. And he's sort of teaching me to be like him, even though he doesn't know it. I love James…and if I had passed up the chance to be with him? Well, I don't think I'd have a very happy existence. Sometimes getting through the obstacles and the drama is worth it. It's worth it so terribly much. When you're around that person…things just change and nothing matters. Nothing at all because…just because.
"Think about Remus and how much he means to you. And if you don't want Remus think about Sirius, because it's never too late to get him back. Never, not with the way he likes you. But if you want Remus-if you think you can't be happy without him, find a way to be with him while circumstances permit it. He's leaving soon, Maria. We've only got months in this place before we grow up, and then you're here without us.
"So choose wisely. If you want time alone, tell them that so they don't think you're stringing them along. But at the same time, be aware that their friendship will weather a lot of change, but some things are too destructive, too damaging, to prevent."
Maria stared at her, wide eyed. "That," she said with conviction, "was the best piece of advice I've ever gotten. Thank you, Lily. And I'm very sorry for snapping at you." Maria leaned forward and hugged Lily, then gathered her books and left before the redhead could say a word.
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May 22, 1978
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Go on. Ask him. See what he says. You'll know if he's lying.
Lily looked up from the glittering blue waters of the lake and up at James profile. She looked down at her hand tucked in his, their fingers interlaced so complexly it would be impossible to separate them.
She sighed and looked back down at the water, slowing her steps to match his lazy-almost lethargic-walk.
"Are you all right?" she finally asked.
James nodded. "Yeah. I'm just tired. I had a really draining session with Patel last night. She reckons I'm almost done with everything she can teach me. You know, the basics, since she's only here for a year. She says I need to learn the more complex uses by myself."
Was this a sign from God, Lily wondered? From Merlin, perhaps?
And quite suddenly, she felt something shift. Everything was clearer, the sun seemed brighter. It was as if something had been removed from her vision.
"What did you do?" she asked lightly.
"Some Linking exercises-she taught me how to use my Empathy to heal links between people, to clean up misunderstandings. They look like huge clouds-the most amazing thing I've ever seen. And after that-" he cut himself off and darted a glance at her, and Lily's heart sank. He was going to lie to her. "After that I worked with auras. Animal auras, actually, since she wouldn't let me work on her. She said I could do human auras later on."
"And that's why you're so tired?" Lily asked wearily.
James nodded. "Yea."
Lily sighed and glanced at him, then reached deep inside to her magic. She had never look at his soul before, purely because she thought it wrong. Now, however, she had to know.
Her magic was a bright golden color, hovering in a tiny ball within her very body. She drew on some of it with her eyes shut, and then opened them, turning her eyes to James.
His soul was amazing. It was the most amazing thing she had ever seen. It was the most beautiful mixture of color, all bright and vibrant and full of life. She pushed past the outer colors of his soul and stopped when she reached his magic. The Empathy was the yellow, she knew. It blended into a beautiful swirling mass of magic with the Linking, which was silver. Small bits of blue lingered within the fire.
And there, slightly off to the side, was a large mass of cobalt blue magic, cool and soothing and ultimately what she dreaded. It was Amoratical.
She withdrew and stumbled away from him, dropping his hand. He stopped walking and stared at her from underneath hooded eyes, his mouth opening to let out a weary sigh.
"So now you know," he whispered.
Lily pressed her hands over her mouth and shook her head.
"You do," he continued. "You know that I've got Amoratical magic."
"You've got love magic," she rejoined, wiping the corners of her eyes. "You've got love magic." She closed her eyes. "How does it work?"
"It's not active unless I call on it. Sometimes I use it unconsciously when I really need it."
Lily mouthed soundlessly at him. "Unconsciously?"
James shrugged. "So? Is this because I didn't tell you? It was hard to keep a secret from you but I only found out in February."
"It's not about the secret," she said quietly.
"Then why are you so shocked?" he asked angrily. "Why does it matter?"
"Because I slept with you," she spat at him.
James faltered. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Well how do I know whether you used it to get me to sleep with you?"
James's jaw dropped. "You think I'd do that?" he asked.
"Unconsciously?" Lily cried, "Yes!"
"Lily-"
"No! I used to-I used to hate you! How do you know that I don't love you now because you made me?"
James opened his mouth to reply and then shut it. He gaped.
"You don't have an answer," Lily whispered. "Oh, god, you don't know either!"
"Lily," James said, taking her hands, "why are you doing this? Things are wonderful-we've only got a month left! Why do you have to question this?"
"Because! I don't know whether I went through all that heartache and all that bloody drama because I really loved you or because you used your magic!"
"Lily!" James said loudly. "Don't-"
"I'm throwing the towel in James. We're through. This is it."
"Lily-"
"Don't you realize, James? We've been avoiding this for so long-if you can't tell me this and you don't even know if I'm really in love with you-then I don't-" She looked to the side and breathed deeply, choking on the lump in her throat. Her eyes burned and she clenched her fists hard, her nails digging into her palms. She swallowed hard and looked at him, standing there, so confused, so clueless. He really didn't understand.
And before she could change her mind she pushed him hard and fled. She heard the loud splash as his tall body fell into the lake, and pushed past dozens of curious students until she made it to her room and flung herself on her bed, crying herself to sleep.
**
"Lily? Lily, will you at least come out and talk to me?"
"Go away," she mumbled.
"Lily, let me in! Take off the charm!"
"Go away," she said louder.
"Lily?" asked a new voice. "James, get out of the way. Effregio!"
"Lily-"
"James, stay out."
"Fine," he snapped.
The door shut and Lily wiped her eyes, refusing to look up.
"Lily? What happened?"
"I broke up with him."
Maria was silent. "Really?"
Lily nodded, sniffling. "Yes."
"Well, then you're a bloody fool."
Lily sat up and grabbed a tissue, blowing her nose. "Pardon?"
"So all that stuff you said to me-it was all bull?"
Lily shook her head. "No! I-"
"So then what does that make you, Lily? A bleeding hypocrite?"
"No! I meant all of it-"
"Then why the hell are you being such an idiot?"
"I…" Lily said softly, staring into space, "I don't know."
"You're the stupidest person I've ever met. You had James Potter and you just-gave him up. Like a broken toy you don't want anymore!"
"I still want him," Lily whispered, "but I can't have him." She hugged herself, not understanding what had happened. She had been angry as hell-now she felt cold, so cold and empty.
"Lily, you said nothing should get in the way. You said you have to try to get over obstacles-"
"This isn't an obstacle. It can't be removed. It's permanent."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well didn't James tell you?"
"No. He just came in-wet, may I add-and angry enough to spit fire. He said you'd lost your mind-you'd gone mad-"
"Did he, now?" Lily breathed, her hands clenching the pillow. "Mad, am I?"
"Lily-"
"He's an Amoris!" Lily burst out. "And he didn't tell me!"
Maria looked away.
"You knew! Maria-you knew he was an Amoris and you didn't tell me."
"Well-I didn't think it was important."
"You didn't think it was important?" Lily hissed, standing up.
Maria lifted her chin. "No, I didn't."
"Maria-" Lily paused. "I love him. But if he uses his magic unconsciously, then how do I know I really love him?"
Maria was silent.
"You don't know, do you? Neither do I. He doesn't either. No one knows the truth."
"Can't you just talk to him? He's furious with you."
"He doesn't have a right to be," Lily said archly.
"Oh, yes he does," Maria snapped. "You're being stupid. You're trying to create this stupid drama."
"I am not!"
"Yeah. You just won't admit it."
"Get out!" Lilly yelled. "Now!"
Maria sighed and left, slamming the door so hard the walls shook. Lily threw her hairbrush from her night table and it hit the door, making a dent that immediately disappeared.
**
He slipped into her bed later that night.
"I love you," he said immediately.
"I don't care," she whispered, turning her back to him.
He slid an arm around her waist and she seized up, writhing out of his grasp. "Stop," she said softly, glancing at the curtains to make sure Clara wasn't awake. There was no sound.
"Lily. I-"
"I don't want to hear it," she muttered, kicking back with her leg and hitting his shin.
James hissed and grabbed his leg. "Lily!"
"You deserved it," she said back.
"So this is how it ends?"
Lily gave an awkward shrug, hard to do since she was lying on her side.
"Everything we fucking had. You're just throwing it away?"
She didn't say anything.
"Fine," he said coldly. "Give it all up. Don't come running back to me, Lily. We've had nothing but trouble-and you obviously don't care about all the good experiences either, do you?" He rolled off the bed and batted aside the curtains. He shut the door quietly behind him with a final click.
**
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May 24, 1978
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James punched his pillow and looked at his desk again.
The letter just sat there.
He sighed and got up, looking out the window at Hogsmeade. The sun was just rising and an eerie, dim light shone over everything. The tops of the trees swayed and the air in his dormitory hung heavy despite numerous Cooling Charms.
He bet Lily was just fine since she could do any charm she wanted whenever she wanted. Bloody smart girl…
James groaned and snatched the letter of his table, looking around his Head Bedroom for a place to stash it so he could finally sleep. He snorted. It wasn't as if he had been sleeping for the past two days, ever since Lily-
Stop it, he told himself firmly. It would all work itself out in time.
He clenched his fist and the sound of crumpling paper broke the silence of the room. He looked down and opened his fist, staring at the thick parchment in his hand. He lifted it so he could see it closer, his eyes traveling over the words, etched so scratchily in red ink…
The letter scared him.
He wasn't supposed to get offers to go into training for the most secretive organization in the world-an Italian Order made up of only men of Italian ancestry who had shown promise-promise of strength for fighting off evil.
James drew in a deep breath and threw the letter to the side. It bounced off his desk and into his rubbish bin. He wasn't going to Italy, and that was that.
How could he? His entire life was in England. His friends, his lover-
Not anymore.
James kicked his mattress and frowned. If Lily wanted to be stupid, that was her problem, right? She would come to her senses, and then he could forget about the letter that was singing to him from its place amongst the rubbish.
Or else he'd never get any sleep. James decided he wouldn't anyway and sat down in his desk chair with a sigh, putting his head down in his arms.
For the first time in his life, James's confidence was entirely gone. Losing Lily-he couldn't go through something like that and come out of it intact. He would fall apart; rip at the seams-because he didn't know what to do. She ignored him. It hurt worse than her insults-hate he could handle, indifference he could not.
He should have told her. He should have told her as soon as Patel told him.
And why hadn't Patel told him sooner? There was something incredibly strange about that woman. There was something about her that didn't sit well with James, and he was going to find out what it was sooner or later.
He glanced at his clock and realized with a jolt that it was only eleven. Decisively, he pulled his robes on over his pajamas and left his bedroom, heading for the staff wing.
He had been given the password to the staff wing at the beginning of the year, along with Li-
James cut off that train of thought and faced the portrait of the stunning wood nymph. She opened on eye and yawned.
"What do you need, Mr. Potter?" she asked sweetly.
"Is Professor Patel in?" he asked politely.
"She is. Is there something else you want to know?"
"Devil's Snare," he said, and she swung aside reluctantly.
"Don't spend too much time with that pretty professor!" she called after him.
James rolled his eyes and tapped on Patel's door. It swung open a moment later to reveal Patel, her damp hair let down from its usual ponytail and drying into soft waves that ended at her waist. Her dark eyes took him in, standing there impatiently, and she stepped aside. It was then that he noticed her hands were shaking.
It was funny, he thought, how he wasn't attracted to her at all. She was the most beautiful creature in the world, and he didn't care. She was what-a year older than he? And he would rather kiss Sirius than feel attracted to her.
He wished he knew why!
"Why didn't you tell me I was an Amoris before?" The words came out harsher than he had expected and she tucked her hair behind her ears, biting her lip.
She acted so much like Lily did when she was nervous that James ached.
"Why do you ask?" Patel finally said, her calm demeanor returning.
"Because my life is falling to pieces, and I need someone to blame," he said, his voice cracking. Sweet Merlin, he felt like he was going to cry. A lump rose in his throat and he swallowed hard.
"It's…it's very complicated, James. I just didn't think it was the right time to tell you."
"Not the right time?" he burst out. "What do you mean, 'not the right time'? If you'd told me sooner maybe I would have-"
"No, I had to tell you at a certain point in time. James, please trust me. I have my secrets too. I'm not safe here-"
"So there was nothing in the news about you coming here, right? Madhura Patel, going off to teach some ungrateful brats in the middle of Scotland-"
"You aren't ungrateful," Patel said quickly. "There was nothing in the news because no one can know I'm here. If they find out they'll kill me-James, please, pay attention! You got a letter right, from the Order of Light-L'Ordine di Luce? They want you to train, don't they?"
He hadn't heard such a flawless Italian accent since his mother had been alive. "How do you know that?" he asked, his voice breaking. She stayed silent and he shut the door with a shaky hand, leaning against it. "How do you know that?"
"Because they told me-I was sent here to undo something that should have happened two days ago. And our enemies-the Light's enemies, wanted it to happen."
James licked his lips. "They only take men-and they have to have some Italian blood-"
"They made an exception," Patel said after some hesitation.
"You're holding something back," James said, narrowing his eyes at her.
Patel bit her lip. "It's none of your business."
"It is," James said firmly, looking inside himself and finding his magic. He drew it out and opened his eyes, looking at Patel.
All he saw was a brilliant wall of white and gold fire.
"The Light protects me," she said simply.
James sagged against the door. "I don't understand," he said brokenly. "I don't understand any of this. I can't take losing her-not after everything else-everyone else! Why won't she just listen to me?"
Patel sighed and sat down, indicating that he should do the same. He sat on the floor, his back against the door.
"You know, my parents died when I was only four."
He looked at her sharply.
"You see-my…my brother killed them. My older brother. He just-decided to off my mum and dad one day. And then he took me and we went into hiding and he started-he started doing the strangest things to me…and then the Light took me." She looked at him, her cheeks wet with tears. "The Order of the Light took me in and helped me, so I help them in return." She clenched her fists. "It's as simple as that."
"What's it like?" he asked softly, "being a member of the Order?"
She laughed. "It's terrible…but it's amazing. You have a month and a half of the most intense training ever-and then you're turned over to field service. You get magically bound as soon as you sign that invitational letter and send it in, and if you decline you instantly forget all about the Order. It's ingenious, really, and it's a wonderful community." She looked uneasy. "They're a little harsh sometimes. If you betray them they'll kill you-and they don't really care for one individual person. They'll sacrifice you if it's for the good of the Light."
"I'm sorry about your parents," he said after a moment, then added, thoughtfully, "and your brother too."
Patel laughed. "If you only knew. I had…I had a sister too, but she died a few years after she was born."
James looked at his hands. "My mum and dad are dead-my mum was Italian. Purest blood in all of Italy, actually, but the English don't care. If you're not English pureblood you're as bad as a M-Mudblood. My bloody grandparents hated my father because he married her. He was supposed to keep the pure bloodedness flowing, even though we've only been pureblood for twenty generations. Other families've got a hundred generations of pure blood." He looked up. "Why is it so important?"
Patel sighed. "I don't know, James."
"I don't know what to do," he admitted. "I've thought…I've thought about just signing the bloody letter and letting it all go, but a part of me wants to hold out for Lily. I keep on thinking she'll change her mind. I want her to change her mind."
"Some things just aren't meant to be, James," Patel whispered.
"Why not this?" he asked. "Why can't Lily and I be meant to be?"
"Because it isn't for the greater good," Patel replied.
"Fuck the greater good," James said hoarsely. "I want to be a kid again-like I was before this year. I want to be selfish for once. Why can't I just have Lily?"
"Oh…" she said, trailing off, and got up. She put her arms around him slowly and James clung to her, her petite body fitting strangely to his tall form. He wanted to protect her from the people who would kill her-from her silly Order-from the world. And he wanted her to protect him in a way no one ever had. Perhaps she could shed some light on his life; perhaps she could help him into the future.
He couldn't understand it.
The only thing he understood was that it felt strangely right to be holding Patel like this-not romantically, but as if he were comforting her, while in all reality, she was comforting him.
"You need to go back to your room," she said shakily, wiping her eyes and pulling away. She smiled nervously and déjà vu hit James hard.
"I'll see you later," he said. "Two weeks, right? That's our next meeting?"
"That's our last meeting," she corrected. "Actually…Lily will be there as well."
James cringed. "All right," he said. "I'm going now."
Patel opened her door and James stepped into the hallway.
"Professor Patel-"
"Call me-call me Madhura," she interrupted.
"Madhura," he assented, the name sounding horribly wrong for her on his lips, "thank you."
"Thank you, d-James," she said, and then he turned and heard the door shut behind him.
**
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May 28, 1978
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"What…what are you reading?"
Lily looked up so quickly she was dizzy.
"It's…it's this book I found the other day. I think I was reading it that night you startled me in the common room."
He seemed to know what she was talking about even though she didn't know herself.
"Why are you doing this, Lily?" he asked gently.
Don't say my name, she thought. It was wrong, the way he could make it sound so intimate.
"Because it's the right thing to do. It feels…as if it should be done. Even if it hurts."
"But you don't have to do this, Lily. We can still-I don't know," he blurted, running his hands through his hair. "Everything's so messed up. You and me, Maria and Remus and Sirius…this year was supposed to be the best. Nobody told me I would…"
"Fall in love?" Lily suggested.
"Get my heart broken," he corrected.
"You broke mine first," she whispered, but he was shaking his head.
"I didn't. You're making it this way."
"James-how am I supposed to know if you really love me? If I really love you?"
He finally met her eyes, really met them. "You just know it. I do."
Lily took in a deep breath and fought back tears. "But I don't. Does that make me a bad person?"
"Not at all," he said, pushing away from the doorframe he had been leaning against and walking into her bedroom. "It just makes you honest."
"I should know," she said guiltily.
"Honestly? Yes, I think you should. I want you to realize that you really love me. But if you can't-then you can't. And…there's absolutely nothing I can do about it."
"We aren't going to get together again," she said softly. "Not this year. So don't let me hold you back-go out and get yourself a new girlfriend." Bitterness seeped into her voice and her cheeks burned with embarrassment. She sounded like a shrew of a wife, for God's sake!
When she looked up, he was gone.
**
Lily really needed to study for her N.E.W.Ts.
She was going to fail-she knew it. And she couldn't do it without James. She couldn't concentrate on memorization and practice while he hated her.
She supposed it was incredibly cliché, to realize you were carrying a child the week after you break up with its father. It was downright ironic.
She shook her head and picked up her quill, resisting the urge to rest her hand on her belly. The common room was noisy-a sixth year girl was celebrating her birthday with a party and Lily couldn't very well tell James to supervise. He was probably out there dancing with some girl anyway, and she didn't want to see that. She'd fall to pieces.
She bit the end of her quill and bent over her Potions notes. She frowned and looked up when she sensed someone coming.
It was Maria. She settled herself into a chair beside Lily and tucked her legs up. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," Lily said, not looking up from her notes.
"Well, I'm not really," said Maria, and Lily looked up and frowned.
"I don't care, Maria. I'm getting sick of it all. I wished you'd all just leave me alone. You, James-" She broke off.
"If it's hurting you so much," Maria said thoughtfully, "then why do you have to prove this point? You know he loves you. And you love him. Everyone can see it-"
Lily shook her head. "But I can't see it."
"Then I can't help you, Lily," Maria said regretfully. "My love life is screwed up enough as it is."
"Just because I broke up with James doesn't mean I don't believe what I told you. Remus is great-go for him."
Maria shrugged. "Bye, Lily," was all she said, and then she was gone.
Five minutes later, Peter sat down at her table, not saying anything. She sighed and put down her quill, slamming her book and pushing her notes to the side. She sat back and waited, her arms crossed over her chest.
Sure enough, Remus came next, and then Sirius. They sat down on either side of Peter and regarded Lily with rather frosty expressions.
"You bitch," Sirius said quietly, and Lily opened her mouth indignantly, but Remus reached out a hand and smacked Sirius upside the head. Lily was amazed to see that even though they were fighting about Maria, they threw everything to the side to help James.
"Shut up," Remus ordered, then turned to Lily. "Lily, you're going to kill yourself. You're going to kill him!"
"I will not," she said archly.
"That's not what it looks like to me," put in Sirius. "From where I'm standing, he's not eating, sleeping, or paying attention to anything. He's going to fail his N.E.W.Ts."
"That's not my problem," Lily said stiffly, forcing the words out.
"Who are you kidding?" Remus asked incredulously. "We all know that you won't stand to see him in any pain. If he fails you'll blame yourself anyway-"
"There's nothing I can do about it now. The damage is done," Lily said.
"Merlin, don't be stupid," Peter snapped. "This isn't a game. He's got feelings and so do you."
"Peter-" Lily began, exasperated.
"Leave her alone."
They all looked up to see James standing off to the side, swaying slightly and with blazing eyes. He took an unsteady step forward and glanced from his friends to Lily, looking as if he didn't really know what was happening. His eyes hardened. "Stop it. Stop it. All of you. Stop trying to get us back together-and trying to convince her to take me back, because I'm not crawling back with my bloody tail between my legs, all right? I'm not. I'm through-and I don't…I can't…just stop it…" He put his hand against the wall and shut his eyes tight, still swaying.
And it hit Lily that he was drunk.
She got up and put her hand on his shoulder but he jerked away, opening his eyes and looking at her wildly. "And you! Don't touch me! Haven't you done enough damage?"
She recoiled. This was the reason they wouldn't work out again. She couldn't ruin his life like this-she couldn't tell him she was going to have his baby!
People were starting to stare.
"James-please go up to bed-"
"Don't treat me like a two year old!" he bellowed, raising a hand to strike her. Lily stepped back and gasped, and he suddenly went limp. "I'm sorry," he moaned. "I'm sorry…"
And suddenly Sirius was there, grabbing James roughly under the elbow and leading him, protesting, out of the common room and up the stairs. Peter followed but Remus stayed and looked at Lily.
"Yes, Lily," he said, his voice so soft and full of disappointment she wanted to weep. "Haven't you done enough damage?"
With that he left her, amongst the ruins of the long forgotten party with the stares of her fellow housemates trained on her. Lily took a shaky breath and stepped backwards, then fled up the stairs to her dormitory.
**
In the middle of the night James woke and left the Tower.
Fifteen minutes later, a letter had been taken out of the rubbish and signed, and it sat innocently on his desk, tormenting him until he fell onto his bed again, dreading what Sirius would do when he found him gone from the dorm, and wondering whether Lily would come to the Head Rooms to look for him.
He hoped not.
**