I own nothing.
**
Chapter 8: Letters
Death is terrifying, but it would be even more terrifying to find out that you are going to live forever and never die.
--Anton Pavlovich Chekhov
November 6, 1977
Almost a week later, Lily sat lazily at her seat in the Great Hall during breakfast, stirring her oatmeal absently. She didn't look up as the Owl Post came in, only scooped up some of the mush and let it fall back into her bowl with an audible plop! Just then, there was strange choking noise from somewhere down the table, and Lily saw James spit out a mouthful of orange juice, spraying some on the unfortunate Remus, who was sitting across from him.
"Hey, James, watch with the waterworks, will you?" Lily called down to him. They were all bitter since Halloween night. Strangely, he said nothing, only stared at his letter. Lily watched his lips move and saw that his three friends had heard it. Their ears literally perked up.
Lily watched as Sirius, Remus, and Peter quickly turned to James, one of them (Lily couldn't tell which) spilling his pumpkin juice all over the tablecloth.
"What?" Sirius yelled. "How the bloody hell-"
"Mr. Black!" Professor McGonagall cried from the Head table. "Watch your language!"
"Sorry professor," said Sirius meekly, before turning back to James. He placed a hand on James's shoulder.
Lily never wanted to see that expression on James's face again. It was empty, completely and totally empty. He was clenching his fist hard and he held it out to Sirius, opening his fist so he could read the crumpled piece of paper it had enclosed.
Sirius quickly scanned the letter, passed it to Remus and Peter, and looked at the Head table. Lily followed his gaze. Dumbledore was staring at James, his eyes concerned. He gave a barely perceptible nod to Sirius, who helped James up from the table and led him out of the hall. Remus and Peter followed at a run.
Halfway through their third period, Herbology, Sirius, Remus, and Peter walked into the greenhouse with a pensive expressions on their faces. Sirius took a place next to Lily, absently kissing her softly on the mouth.
"What's wrong?" she asked out of the corner of her mouth. Sirius shook his head.
"Can't tell you," he whispered back.
"And why not?" Lily whispered furiously.
He looked at her mournfully. "It isn't something I can tell you Lily. Only James can do that."
Lily snorted. "Yea, like I'd do that! He'd probably bite my head off!"
Sirius didn't reply and returned to pruning the Gerlit Shrub. Was it her imagination, or did he look guilty all of a sudden?
"Look, Sirius. I'm sorry. It's just-James doesn't like me. It's hard for me to understand why he changed when he stopped asking me out, how he isn't nearly as arrogant anymore, but now-I just can't help it. Insulting him is all I can do to keep my pride." Lily blushed and looked down.
Sirius opened his mouth to say something but he seemed to think better of it. "I don't know what to say, Lily," he said softly to her.
**
James looked at the letter in the hand and crumpled it into a ball before throwing it down to the ground. He stared at it for a moment before biting his lip and picking it up again. He smoothed it out and traced the many creases in the paper, again reading the words he had memorized.
Dear James Godric Potter,
It is with great sorrow that we inform you of the death of you father, Henrich Potter. His contributions and service to the Ministry have been greatly appreciated. Your father will be remembered as one of the most outstanding Aurors of the century, and he was killed fighting. During an attack in a Muggle section of London he intercepted a killing curse that was about to hit a Muggle woman. His name will be remembered throughout time, and his memorial service will be held in two weeks' time.
Enclosed is a letter sent by your stepmother.
With our deepest regrets,
The Ministry of Magic
Auror Division
Minister of Magic
Millicent Bagnold
James took a deep breath and looked at the envelope, which still remained intact. He had not looked at Evelyn's letter yet.
Deciding that he might as well get it over with, he pulled the parchment out of the envelope and began to read.
Dear James,
I am sure by now that you have been informed by the Ministry. If you have not, I shall have to tell you myself. Your father was killed after he intercepted a killing curse about to hit a Muggle. He died valiantly and I hope this is of some comfort to you.
This letter sounds ridiculously formal. This is partly my fault. I have known you for ten years and been your stepmother for seven. In that time I never once tried to talk to you or understand you. This was mostly because I felt the competition between your dead mother and I and I thought you would too. I thought you hated me. Bloody hell, I still think you hate me.
I also wanted Emily to have a father. She was only just born when Antonin left me and I did not want her to remember a Death Eater as a father. So I worked as hard as I could to fill Harry's time with Emily and pushed you out of the picture. I am sure that this has caused you emotional damage and I am eternally sorry.
And yet a part of me has always wished I could replace Aurelia as your mother. You did always seem to need it so much. I wished I could do for you what Harry did for Emily. It is hard for me to write this, but I was proud of you. I was proud of you when you became the house seeker, and I was proud that you were a Gryffindor, just like your father. I wanted to give you something I couldn't, and I still wish I could.
And it seems it will never be. James, after you father's memorial service I will be taking Emily and leaving for America. You are welcome to join me once you have finished your schooling. It is entirely your choice.
Until we see each other at Harry's service,
Sincerely,
Evelyn Revenslew Dolohov Potter
James set down the letter carefully. Like hell she wants me to come with her, he thought dismissively. He let out a sigh and lay down on the cushions of the comfortable couch. He was in the Heads' common room and he was going to stay there until he absolutely had to leave…
"Mr. Potter!"
James stopped his brisk strides and wiped at his eyes before looking at Professor Dumbledore. "Yea?" he asked gruffly.
"I assume you have read the letter the Ministry sent you?"
James nodded. "Did you know?"
"I was informed early this morning. Would you like to meet them?"
James stared at him blankly. "Who?"
"The Muggles your father saved."
"They said he only saved one!"
"It was a couple," said Dumbledore, beginning to walk. James unconsciously followed. "Both were brought here although only one was attacked. Ah, here they are."
James looked uneasily at the two people in front of him. The woman was short and slightly plump, with ginger colored hair much lighter than his mother's dark red. The man was rather tall with a distinguished air about him, although his face was unshaven and his brown hair speckled with gray was unkempt.
"This is James Potter," said Dumbledore quietly. "It was his father that-"
He cut himself off as the woman stepped forward and hugged James. "I'm so sorry," she said. "If we hadn't…"
James was feeling slightly uncomfortable in this stranger's embrace and he awkwardly hugged her back.
"We'd like to thank you," said the man in a deep, gravelly voice.
"Don't," said James. "Thank my dad. I don't-I don't blame you or anything."
He'd lied. He blamed them for existing, blamed them for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. He blamed them for everything. His father was dead and these people were alive.
And he never said it out loud…
**
My Dearest Remus,
If you receive this letter, I will be dead.
Accept it and move on. Don't mourn forever. Had our places been switched I probably wouldn't have taken this advice, but I must try to make you understand. My death is inevitable. Have you ever wondered why I hate my parents so much? They are Chinese Muggles. The Chinese are very conservative people, and when I got me letter my parents did not take well to the idea that I was a witch. I could be healed by magic in a second, but my parents forbid the use of magic on my heart, which is rapidly deteriorating.
I have to obey them.
Tradition and respect are not taken lightly where I come from. Hogwarts is my home. A place where I can be myself, where I can talk freely without being scolded.
In the two years we have been together, I never suspected you were a werewolf. I believed you when you said you were sick and I listened to every excuse. I loved my sister very much, and the fact that she was killed by a werewolf does not mean I must hate you because you are one.
But I still told you I hated you.
Oh, Remus. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You are just a man who was unlucky enough to get bitten. You are the kindest person I know and the fact that you turn into a werewolf every month doesn't change that.
If I should die before I can work up the courage to tell you this, let me say it now.
I don't know if you feel the same, Remus, but let me tell you that at this very moment I think I may just love you. It physically hurts me how much I care for you. Who knows? Maybe we'll grow up and get married and have little children running around a cottage with a white picket fence, no matter how disgustingly cliché that sounds.
Or maybe I'll be gone.
Give me the gift of love Remus. Love me, please, but don't emotionally destroy yourself because I'm gone. Don't distance yourself, Remus. Don't avoid other women. Love as freely as you can, and try to give your heart. Don't make me hold you back, I don't want that.
Don't dwell on me. You will have other loves. Don't be mad at yourself if you forget for me for a moment and smile. Let yourself smile. And...I'll be watching. I'll never forget you, love.
But if you're ever alone at night with nobody to think of, nobody to hold, then you can remember me, if only for the briefest fleeting second, like the shooting stars that you will see. When you are wild with rage because of your inner wolf, be calmed by my presence…and love, Remus. Love passionately and don't hold back.
Ever.
RemembermewhenIamgoneaway,
Gonefarawayintothesilentland;
Whenyoucannomoreholdmebythehand,
NorIhalfturntogoyetturningstay.
Remembermewhennomoredaybyday
Youtellmeofourfuturethatyouplann'd:
Onlyrememberme;youunderstand
Itwillbelatetocounselthenorpray.
Yetifyoushouldforgetmeforawhile
Andafterwardsremember,donotgrieve:
Forifthedarknessandcorruptionleave
AvestigeofthethoughtsthatonceIhad,
Betterbyfaryoushouldforgetandsmile
Thanthatyoushouldrememberandbesad.
With all the love I will ever posses,
Sunny.
Remus stared at the letter for a full minute before he let the tears brimming in his eyes fall. He had received it by owl post at lunch, and his curiosity had been piqued as post didn't come at lunch. He had instantly recognized the handwriting. Instead of opening it at the table, he had waited until Charms had started.
He was skiving class for the first time that year.
And he didn't care.
Not a bit.
Sunny was dead. She wasn't coming back, it was no joke. She was really dead. But…when he had seen that owl, a part of him had hoped, had ached for her so badly it became constant. He wanted to see her, touch her, kiss her, and make love to her like he never had before. Where she used to be there was this deep, dark ache in his soul.
Accept it? How could he accept that he would never see her again? There wasn't any way he could accept it. And how could Sunny have not told him that she knew she was going to die. She knew. Had she told Lily?
And how could Sunny doubt that he loved her? How could she have been scared to tell him that she loved him? And how could she tell him to move on, not to dwell on her, to love another woman? It simply wouldn't be possible.
With great care, Remus folded up the letter and slipped it into the pocket of his robes. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and ordered himself not to cry. Lily hadn't cried, although she had sat and stared blankly at the wall every so often.
Remus smiled slightly as he remembered how Lily hadn't berated James for hexing Snape.
"Is the mudblood going to cry because her best friends are dead?"
James and Sirius pulled out their wands and both hexed Snape, James with the Pickled Tongue hex, and Sirius with the Furnunculus hex.
Snape tried to yell something at the two boys but his tongue would not allow it. Lily only looked on, a slight smiled touching her pretty face, although she did grab Remus's robes to prevent him from killing the Slytherin.
Remus stopped smiling as he remembered what had happened a few minutes after that episode.
"Sunny and Ana will love hearing about this…" Lily said excitedly, trailing off as she realized Sunny wouldn't be able to enjoy the anecdote. All of them had been doing this lately, talking as if Ana and Sunny were still alive.
It was absurd. They were seventeen. How could they be dead? They hadn't even experienced life. Not really, and now they would never be able to.
Oh, the irony.
He hated this. He hated it all. Life was bloody unfair and he couldn't do anything about it. There was one thing, one thought that made sense to Remus. One thing he knew.
Her killer would pay. Not Ana, but her real killer. Remus was almost certain he knew exactly who, indirectly, was behind this.
Voldemort.
**
Lily was sitting with her back to a couch staring into the common room fire. She was hidden from general view and didn't bother to move when she heard the portrait hole open and close.
"You know," she heard Sirius whisper, "I think we've ruined a friendship, guys. And, it's mostly my fault! If I hadn't accepted the wager, I mean, I knew how James felt, but I thought he was over it so I took the bet anyways, and then it all went to hell!"
"It isn't your fault," Remus said, almost mechanically.
"It isn't," Peter backed. "It never really can be. If anything, it was mine-I-I shouldn't have-but I didn't know how he felt! He didn't tell me!"
"Yea, we know Peter," said Sirius. "He only told me, because I asked him about it. Although in the beginning he was bloody obvious about it! It isn't any of our faults. We just didn't realize what we were saying. You were only joking around, but the Betting Charm…"
"So why does he act like he hates Lily?" said Remus suddenly.
"I don't know. And the way it is, she doesn't even hate him, guys. Not anymore. She might have once, but now I can tell that she doesn't. She's just defensive," Sirius explained. He sounded like he was going to cry. "They could have been such good friends!" Lily knew she shouldn't be listening, but it was too tempting. She didn't know what they had been talking about before, but now they were talking about her!
"How is James anyway?" Peter asked. Sirius drew a shuddering breath.
"It hurts, guys. We've known each other…you know? Even though my parent's didn't approve. Evelyn…really loves Mr. Potter."
Their voices gradually faded as they made their way to their dormitory, and Lily popped her head up from behind the couch. What on earth did I just hear? she wondered. She hadn't even understood half of it. Slowly, she stood and sat on the couch.
Something has happened to James. Something bad. And-there's something about a bet, a wager, a dare that ruined James's and mine friendship. Oh, I bet anything that James has been dared to insult me because he used to fancy me. But…does that mean he still fancies me?
"Miss Evans!"
Lily snapped to attention and looked up, blushing. "Sorry, Professor."
"It would behoove you to pay more attention," said McGonagall. "You are to go to Dumbledore's office. The password is 'sugar quill.'"
"Why does he want me?"
McGonagall hesitated. "Your…your parents are here."
Lily's mouth dropped open. "My-"
"It will all be explained in the Headmaster's office. Hurry along now."
Lily opened her mouth to argue but didn't see the point. "Alright," she sighed. "Let me just tell Sunny and Ana where I'm…" she trailed off and looked down. "I'm coming," she said after a moment.
My parents? Lily thought as she walked through the halls to the headmaster's office. How can they even see Hogwarts?
Lily gave the password at the gargoyle and entered, still pondering as she walked through the wooden office door.
"Lily!" her mother said, rushing forward and enveloping Lily in her arms.
"Mum? What are you doing here?"
"Lily," said her father, stepping forward to hug her, his unshaven cheek scraping against her soft one.
"How can you see this place?"
"They were shown a picture and since they knew Hogwarts was without a doubt there, they are able to see it," explained professor Dumbledore from behind his desk. "There are loopholes to almost all illusionary charms."
"How are you, Lily?" asked her mother quietly. "Are you alright?"
Lily nodded her head, and then shook it. Tears welled in her eyes and she shakily hugged her mother around the neck. "No," she sobbed. "I'm not okay." In small pieces, Sunny and Ana's story came out.
"Oh, Lily," sighed her mother, sharing a glance with her husband over Lily's head. "It will be okay."
"No it won't be!" cried Lily. "They aren't coming back! I could've stopped it from happening! If I had just-" she cut herself off as she realized what she had said. She hadn't told anyone that she was blaming herself.
"This is not your fault, Lily," said her father firmly. "Nothing is your fault. We don't blame you."
"Petunia does," she sniffled softly, accepting a handkerchief from the headmaster.
"No she doesn't," lied her mother. Now they were talking about something entirely different, and they wouldn't acknowledge it.
"Now I think we should leave, your father and I have to have a long talk."
Lily smiled sadly at them. "Alright."
**
After her parents left Lily ran to the third floor; she was incredibly late for Ancient Magic. She clattered noisily down the steps and ignored that stares as she mounted the steps of the platform. Patel looked at her with interest.
"Do you have an excuse?"
Lily bit her lip. "I was at the headmaster's office," she said.
"Take a seat. You haven't missed anything you can't learn in the library. Ask a peer for notes."
Lily sat down behind Maria Danes and watched as Patel wrote branches of magic on the board. She felt sleepy, drugged. There was something about the way Patel moved, something about the way she smiled, something so familiar. She knew this woman from somewhere. She just couldn't remember who she was.
"Lily?"
Lily jumped and let out a small yelp. "Sirius! You scared me!" He must have walked down to get her.
"Come on," he said. "Let's get out of this dump."
Lily glared at him, highly affronted. "I like this class," she said, standing up and reaching for her bag. She grabbed for empty air and realized she hadn't brought it with her.
"It didn't seem as if you liked it very much when you were daydreaming," Sirius snorted.
Lily rolled her eyes. "I was just…tired. My parents were here."
"But they're Muggles!" said Sirius.
Lily shrugged. "Yea, some loophole in the illusionary charms. They know it's here and they were shown a picture. Therefore they can see it."
"Have you seen…" Sirius looked around to make sure no one was there. "Have you seen James?"
Lily shook her head. "He wasn't here?"
Sirius sighed. "No, he wasn't. I think he's in the Heads' room." He was looking at her expectantly.
"What's wrong with him?" Lily asked, beginning to walk out of the amphitheater. "Why didn't he come? He loves the class."
Sirius looked uneasy. "I…he's just sad. He won't come out."
"Why?"
"Just because," Sirius snapped.
"Okay," Lily said softly.
"I didn't mean to be harsh," Sirius said, taking her hand and intertwining his fingers with hers. "I'm sorry."
"It's alright," said Lily. "Do you want me to…do you want me to let you into the Heads' room."
"Can you go?" asked Sirius abruptly.
"What? No!"
"Well why not?"
"Just because!"
"Please Lily! He won't talk to any of us!"
"But he'll talk to me?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE!" he bellowed suddenly.
"What?" asked Lily. "I know what what's like?"
"Just please go in there, Lily. Please."
Lily looked down and sighed. "Alright. I'll talk to him."
Sirius smiled. "Good," he murmured, kissing her lightly on the mouth.
"Well, I'm going now," said Lily irritably.
"Why now?"
"Because I feel like," she shrugged, squeezing his hand and letting go. He met her eyes and something passed between them, some understanding that things were never going to be the same.
"Right," he muttered, licking his lips and walking away.
Lily sighed. She was dreading talking to James.
**
"James?" She gingerly shut the portrait hole and scanned the room. He was asleep on the sofa. "James?" she repeated, louder this time. He stirred slightly and opened his eyes. Blearily, he looked around the room and stared at her for a moment before finally realizing she was there.
"Hey, Evans," he said softly and slowly. Lily frowned. He hadn't called her Evans in a while.
"No cutting remarks?" she asked. "Just…'hey, Evans'?"
James shrugged. "I guess so."
"What's wrong with you?"
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Tear tracks all over your face. Red eyes. You have-bloody hell, Potter! What happened to your arm?"
James looked down at the perfectly shaped crescent moons in her arms and frowned. "I dug my nails into my skin too hard, I guess," he said carelessly.
"And why's that?" Lily demanded, grabbing his arm and dabbing at it wither her handkerchief. Realizing that wasn't going to help, she pulled out her wand and did a quick healing charm.
James just shook his head and handed a crumpled piece of paper to it. Lily heaved a sigh of frustration and took it from him. How is a stupid piece of paper going to…oh, damn!
The paper fell from her fingers and she looked up at James. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.
James sighed. "I know. It's hard to-"
"-lose someone close to you? Yea, I know," said Lily quietly.
"This is crazy. I just gave my arch nemesis information that is likely to make me cry. I've gone mad."
Lily shook her head. "Snape."
"I see your point," said James. "Although you never liked me."
Lily shrugged. "You've changed," she told him.
James sighed and flopped back on the couch. Lily lay back on the other side so her feet were near his chest. "I can't believe I'm sitting on a couch with you and you haven't pushed me off."
"You just jinxed yourself, Potter," Lily smirked. "But I'll take pity."
"Thanks," James said quietly, and Lily knew he was thanking her for more that her mercy.
"Not a problem."
"Did Sirius send you here?" asked James abruptly.
"I-"
"Of course he did," said James. "He always loves to meddle. I met them."
"Huh?" Lily asked stupidly. "What are you talking-"
"The Muggles my father saved. I met them."
"And they could see Hogwarts?" asked Lily dubiously.
James shrugged. "Never thought of it."
Lily froze and she almost stopped breathing. "James…" she whispered. "…what did the Muggles look like?"
"Woman had orange hair, lighter than yours. Man was tall, brownish gray hair-"
"James!"
"What?"
"They're-they're my parents."
James went motionless and stared at her. "Right…"
"I'm-I'm sorry…"
"Don't be."
"Is there anything I can-"
"Can I be alone?"
Lily looked down at her hands. "Of course…James. I'll tell Sirius and the rest you're alright."
"Thanks, Evans."
"Goodnight, James," Lily said politely, exiting the room as fast as she could.
**
November 8, 1977
Dear Lily,
This has been one of the hardest decisions we have ever had to make in our lives, but your father and I have decided to pull you out of Hogwarts. We had already been considering this and hearing about your friends' deaths only cemented the idea. We know that you don't want to leave your friends, but perhaps in a few years, after everything has calmed down, you can complete your education. We will be informing Dumbledore of our decision shortly, and we will give you a week to spend with your friends.
Love,
Mum and Dad.
"They can't do this!" cried Lily.
"Do what, Evans?" asked James tiredly, his head resting on his hand and his elbow resting on the table near the eggs.
"They're going to take me out of Hogwarts!" said Lily, tears coming to her eyes.
James's elbow slipped off the table and his head hit the wood. The platter of eggs jumped into the air and came down with a clatter. James looked up, his glasses askew and pieces of egg in his hair. "They can't do that!" he said loudly.
"Why do you care?" asked Peter, stuffing his mouth with some toast.
"Because-because-" sputtered James, "Because the next candidate for head girl is Bellatrix!"
"Bella-Sirius's cousin!"
"That girl is pure evil!" James said, shaking his head.
"She's a bitch, too," said Sirius, sitting down across from James. "Lily-why are you crying?"
Lily handed him the letter and he scanned it, his eyes widening.
"They can't do that!"
"It's been said," remarked Remus quietly, stirring a bowl of cereal with his spoon.
"Well, what are we going to do?" asked Sirius.
"We?" said Remus.
"We," confirmed James. "It's time to plan the mother of all pranks."
"Would helping Lily stay really be considered a prank?" Sirius asked.
James simply rolled his eyes.
"I know what we can do," Peter said suddenly. "James and Remus, you're going to be preofessors. Sirius, you're Lily's boyfriend."
"No shit?"
Peter laughed nervously. "Yea."
"I'm going to take that as an insult," said James.
"Do you think…glamour spells?" asked Remus, getting into the spirit of things.
"Yea," said Sirius.
"I don't get it," Lily finally said. "What are you going to do?"
"We're going to pay a little visit to your parents, Lily," said Sirius. "James and Remus here are going to be Dumbledore and McGonagall. And I get to be…"
"The poor boyfriend…" continued Sirius.
"Who just lost his father…" added Remus.
"And needs your support," finished Peter.
"How are we going to get out of Hogwarts?" Lily asked.
"You're coming to my father's funeral," said James softly.