I own nothing.
**
Chapter 5: Hope
[Only Hope, by Switchfoot, sung by Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember]
September 27, 1977
Ow.
Pain was constant, having been her companion for the past hour and a half. She and Potter had landed in a pile of
rubble and Lily had fallen, twisted her ankle, and was now propped up against the wall watching Potter shiver.
Occasionally he would let out a small sound, something like a whimper that tore at her heart. There was no denying it, Amy Duncan was dead, and if Lily knew the slightest thing about the boy-no, the man, she could hardly call him a boy now-across for her, it was that he would blame himself no matter what.
The cell was old fashioned, like something out of the Medieval era, with crumbling mortar and rusty bars. Had they not also been held captive by magic, Lily was certain they would have escaped in a heartbeat. But upon entering the cell, the first thing Potter had done was lob a rock at the bars.
It lay on the floor.
In a pile of dust.
"Po--James?" She forced herself to say it. It wasn't even that hard.
This time, instead of ignoring her, he looked up, his eyes red with unshed, furious tears. "What?"
"Are you okay?"
Mutely, he shook his head, swallowing hard. "No," he whispered, his voice cracking and making it seem like two syllables.
"Me neither," Lily whispered back.
The screeching of rusty hinges brought their attention to a door, where they saw a hooded, masked figure raising his wand.
"You're to come with me, Potter."
There was something oddly familiar about that voice, Lily thought. Someone she had definitely talked to. She was brought back from her musings by Potter's voice.
"Why?"
"Because the Dark Lord requests your presence."
"Fuck the Dark Lord. Say his name. Volde--"
"Crucio!"
Potter fell to the floor and opened his mouth in a soundless scream, writhing in agony as the pain washed over him. Lily reached out a hand to him, knowing the gesture was futile but not caring.
The Death Eater finally lifted his wand and Potter relaxed, twitching slightly.
"And that's just a little taste of what you'll be getting," he hissed softly, pulling Potter up by the neck of his robes and hauling him out of the cell. Lily looked after them, hardly believing that Potter was just-gone.
I might never see him again, said a detached part of her mind, almost half and hour later. Strangely, this thought didn't register in her mind until she heard footsteps approaching the cell. It hit her in full force that she hadn't said goodbye, and if she ever saw Sirius again she wouldn't be able to tell him what Potter's last words were.
"Ow," said a voice from just inside the cell door, and she looked up to see Potter thrown in, rubbing his arm where he'd fallen on it and wincing.
"You're alive?" she gasped, staring at him in bewilderment.
Potter opened his mouth to say something and closed it again. A soft, soft hissing noise was becoming louder and louder, heading down the corridor to their cell.
"He's coming," Potter whispered, scrambling into the cell and standing in front of her. Lily struggled to her feet behind him, irked that he thought he had to protect her.
"The Potters," said Voldemort's hissing voice. "have always died nobly. You two shall be the exception." He twirled a wand in his hands, almost as if he was bored with the events.
"She's not a Potter," said Potter weakly, as if it was the only thing he could think of to say.
Voldemort just smirked in a way that made Lily feel sick. "Legilimens!"
Potter clutched at his head and dropped to his knees, mumbling phrases that Lily, even though she was right behind him, couldn't make out. She stared at his bent head for what seemed like and age before Potter stiffened and threw his head back, inhaling as if he had never breathed before.
"Impressive," said Voldemort softly. "Very impressive." His eyes snapped to Lily and something akin to dread filled her. "Are you so strong, girl? Legilimens!"
She was in the dark…she was opening her Hogwarts letter…she was listening to Petunia's taunting voice as she called her a freak…she was under the sorting hat, being told she would be famous one day…she was screaming at Potter for attacking Snape… she was watching Potter play Quidditch and wink at her as he caught the Snitch…she was being asked out by Sirius…she was watching as Sirius came closer and closer, whispering words to her she couldn't make out, leaning into her, kissing her, blowing her mind away…she was hearing her sister telling her to get lost…she was falling over the ledge…
"No!" she choked out, reaching in front of her and grabbing Potter's robes, clenching them in her fists as Voldemort lifted the spell.
"I have always regarded Muggles with contempt. They are undoubtedly stupid creatures, and a pitiful waste of humanity. But-may I tell you a secret?"
Lily shuddered. She knew that Voldemort would tell them his "secret" whether they wanted to hear it or not.
"I secretly admire their inherent ease at spreading hate and discord among their kind. They hate their own kind as much as I hate them. But-they do come up with the most ingenious inventions." He flicked his hands and Lily realized with horror that it was not a wand he was holding, but a Muggle whip.
"I had this made especially for this purpose. It is not a mere Muggle whip though." He drew out a dark wand from his robes and waved it over the whip. Immediately, sharp, ridged spikes emerged from the polished leather. If Lily hadn't known what they were, she would have thought them the teeth of some great monster. "Now, normally I would have one of my faithful servants use such a tool, but this punishment is one I have been waiting a long time to give, personally. Incendio Togus," he said, pointing his wand at Potter. Lily shrieked as his shirt and robes began to burn off in green fire, and stared in shock as his skin was not burned.
"Accio," hissed Voldemort, and Potter slid across the room to rest and Voldemort's feet. Lily caught sight of his face and saw that he looked absolutely blank. There was no expression on his face, none whatsoever.
Voldemort raised the whip above his head and Lily shut her eyes, knowing what was coming.
"Imperio," she heard. Open your eyes, Lily Evans.
Why ever would I do that?
Open your eyes, Lily.
No thanks.
OPEN YOUR EYES!
NO!
The rushing sound of a whip and the crack of leather against skin made her eyes fly open of their own accord. She made a small sound of sorrow as Potter screamed.
"Tell me everything you know about Dumbledore's plans," Voldemort hissed.
"Leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone…" Lily chanted softly. Leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone, leave him alone…
"Nothing. I don't know anything!"
"You must know something, you're his favorite. His pet. Tell ME!"
"NO!"
"Then suffer the consequences! Sensitivus!"
There was pause and Lily's eyes flew between the two men. She opened her mouth in horror. The Sensitivity Charm…
"Crucio!"
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily screamed, running towards Voldemort and trying to harm him in any way possible. She slammed against an invisible wall two feet from him and beat her hands helplessly against it. "LEAVE HIM ALONE!"
Voldemort lifted his wand and Potter's cries stopped. The evil wizard regarded Lily with infuriating amusement and a cold smile that made her blood boil.
"How touching," the Dark Lord remarked with a smirk that scared Lily out of her wits. Voldemort sighed. "Although, I had expected no less from the pair of you."
"What do you mean?" said Lily in an unnaturally high voice.
Voldemort was silent for a moment, and if Lily thought it possible, he would have had a slightly surprised look on his face. But his red, catlike eyes and skeletal face did not allow for such a look. Slowly, a smile overtook his face, one that was almost gleeful. "I bid you adieu."
And with that he left them.
As soon as he was out of sight Lily dropped to her knees and looked at Potter. His back was a mass of bloody welts, and somewhere along the line, probably when he had hit his head on the floor; a lump was forming on his forehead. His eyes were glazed and half open, and for all the world he looked dead. Lily would have thought him dead had it not been for the rising and falling of his chest.
"Mum?" he asked softly, his voice hoarse from his screams.
"N-yes," said Lily soothingly. "It-it's me."
"I had the strangest dream that you were dead," he croaked, trying to raise himself into a sitting position.
When she had been a child, Lily had often played house with her older sister, Petunia. Petunia had always been the mother, and Lily had always been the child, and was happy to do so. She had never once had the urge to play mother. Strangely, looking at the boy who had grown up without a mother for almost all of his life, she wanted to comfort him. She wanted to show him what a mother's affection really was.
Now, that was all very nice, but how the hell would she do that?
"Daddy loves you mo--" Potter coughed up some blood and Lily stared in horror. "Daddy loves you more than her."
"Her?" asked Lily, her curiosity getting the better of her.
"Mrs. Potter the second…Evelyn," rasped Potter, as if she was stupid. "Are you sure you aren't a ghost? Because I-I saw him kill you."
To distract him from that rather disconcerting track of conversation, she continued asking questions about Evelyn. "But-but everyone thinks you don't have a mother. So what about Evelyn?"
"She's okay. We're close. She really likes Sirius, too. She invites him over for tea all the time just like you used to-but I can't-he loves you more."
"Why? I thought you said she was a wonderful woman."
"She has a daughter, not dad's, but she wants dad to love Emily as his own. She thinks he can't do that with me around. But he adores Emily, even more than Evelyn. Even-even more than me, because-because he says that the way I act reminds him of-of you…"
Lily had never seen a boy-man-cry until now, and the experience was slightly scary. James wasn't sobbing, but tears were running steadily down his cheeks and onto the floor.
"You're dead," he said. Lily fought down panic. He was delirious. He was carrying on a normal conversation with her as if everything was perfectly fine. "Did you know that Lily Evans has the prettiest red hair? And I seriously thought she was you when I first saw her, aside from the height. I mean she really was a midget back then…."
Lily fought down the urge to slap him for that and hesitantly stroked his hair as his face contorted in pain. He calmed
slightly, but not enough for her liking.
Potter missing his dead mother made her remember her favorite poem, the one she wanted put on her tombstone when she died. She had had it on a sheet of paper, one that was so tattered it was about to fall apart, when one day Petunia had ripped to pieces in a fit of rage. Lily had cried over the chance that she had never gotten to copy it over when she'd realized that she knew the words by heart.
She scooted forward and gently eased his head onto her lap, continuing to stroke his hair. His breathing grew heavy and easy, his eyes closed in the manner of a person about to drift off to sleep.
And slowly, Lily began to sing.
Her voice was not good. In fact, if she had been singing above a whisper she would have hurt her own ears. But it would do.
"Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of the quite birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die."
She stumbled over the words as it wasn't really a song and she'd had to make up the tune as she went along, but the words seemed to calm Potter infinitely. He looked for all the world as if he was asleep.
And something shifted. It was as if a piece had fallen into place in a jigsaw puzzle. She couldn't explain it but he was suddenly James, and rightfully so. She couldn't look at him, prostate on the floor and calling for his mother, and not feel compassion. She couldn't call him Potter in disdain when he looked so…stripped. If Lily had not known better about what else was out in the world, she would have been content to stay in that cell with James Potter, oblivious to anything. But she did not get her chance to finish these musings as footsteps sounded in the hall. It was ridiculous, but she swore the footsteps sounded ominous.
The door to their cell slammed open and Lily jumped up. A split second later she realized that James's head would hit the floor, but when she looked down he was on his hands and knees, glaring at the door, his eyes clear of their previous glaze.
"You!" he spat viciously, prompting Lily to look up.
Lucius Malfoy stood in the doorway, trademark smile firmly in place. "I was in your territory that first day on the train, but now you're in my territory. And I'm going to enjoy it until you die like the pathetic sod that you are."
Lily felt nauseous as the man, almost six years older than herself, stepped into the room. She couldn't believe anyone could be corrupted so quickly, as everything she'd heard told her it took a long time to get into Voldemort's good graces. Every rumor she had heard placed him at the top of Voldemort list of supporters and Death Eaters.
"Your mother was beautiful, Potter," said Malfoy idly as he wrinkled his nose at the grimy cell. "My father could see it, and even I could, for all that she was a Mudblood. Evans resembles her slightly with the hair. I'm sure that's why you're drawn to her."
"You sick bastard," James said, almost shaking with rage. He didn't comment on Malfoy's other remark.
Malfoy sighed. "If my Master had not killed her so soon, I'm sure my father and I would have had our way with her at some point or another."
"I'm going to fucking strangle you with my bare hands!" shouted James, struggling to his feet. As much as Lily wanted to see Malfoy pounded into a pulp, she knew James was in no condition to do the pounding. So she grabbed his arm and, gently, avoiding the bruises, and pulled him to her side.
"Don't."
"But he-"
"Don't!" she whispered, fiercer this time.
"You argue like a bloody married couple," said Malfoy wryly.
This statement shocked them into silence.
"Come, Evans."
"Excuse me?" she said softly.
"The Dark Lord has decided to reward me for my good service."
Lily still didn't understand what Malfoy was getting at. Apparently James did, because he stiffened and put both of his hands on Lily's waist, pulling her tighter against him. "I don't under-"
"I'm sure those robes of yours are covering quite a lovely figure. Now come - with - me!"
Lily recoiled and pressed herself back against James, who slowly backed away.
"Oh this is rich. I was under the impression that you hated each other."
"Are you fucking serious? Do you think that just because I hate her that I'm going to let you rape her?" James repeated.
"Yes," said Malfoy coldly.
"You're a bloody monster! You're mad, crazy! Nutters!"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Just shut up! You aren't taking her!"
"And how are you going to stop me, Potter?"
James opened his mouth to say something, Lily felt his breath on her ear increase, but then he closed it and shook his head. "I can't," he whispered hoarsely. "I can't," he said again, leaning his head against her shoulder. Lily was shocked to feel the heat of his skin against her bare shoulder and she jumped slightly, before realizing that her robes were ripped through to her skin.
Malfoy strode forward and grabbed Lily's arm. She let out a strange sounding whimper as James dug his hands into her waist and held.
But with a mighty wrench, Malfoy pulled her from James's grasp and she stumbled forward, into his arms. He held her so tightly that she felt she was suffocating, and she didn't even want to know where his hand was going.
"I-I'll tell him anything he wants to know," James said desperately. "Anything! Just don't-don't take her!"
"Well, let me think about this for a moment," Malfoy said, mock-thoughtfully. "Do I get the mudblood or do you tell my Master false information?"
"I-"
"Stop arguing with me!" the other man cried. Suddenly, Malfoy smirked. "Yes, I think I'll let you say goodbye…I'll be back after I-prepare. I think that the best way to do this would be in front of Potter."
And with a wave of Malfoy's wand, James flew back against the wall and knocked his head against it, before manacles snapped into place around his hands. Malfoy left the room and Lily all but flew to James's side, dropping on her knees next to him for the second time that day.
"I won't be able to stop him, Lily," James said quietly, dropping his head back, and Lily was struck by how soap-operaish this was.
"I know," she whispered. "I know you tried, I just don't want you to-to have to see."
James shuddered.
The click of the door being unlocked brought their attention to the creaky wood that blocked their escape. To their surprise, it swung open and no one entered.
"Malfoy?" Lily called.
No response. Lily got up and walked hesitantly out into the hall, and saw that there was no one there.
But her wand and another she recognized as James's were in front of the cell door, along with a grimy piece of paper.
You're Welcome.
That was all it said.
"Someone's-someone's letting us escape, James!" She grabbed her wand excitedly and removed James's manacles, before throwing him his wand. He stared at it for a second as if he didn't know what to do with it.
"Seriously?"
"Yes! Come on, let's go!" She rushed over to him and helped him to his feet. He could walk fine, but if he stretched the muscles in his back at all he flinched and let out a nasty sounding hiss.
They crept along the empty corridor, hardly daring to believe their luck.
"Who do you think let us out?" Lily asked James.
"I don't know, Evans," he murmured.
"You could use my first-"
CRASH!
She had walked straight into a suit of armor that had no business being in her way in the first place. But it had been and now the pair of them had to deal with the group of three Death Eaters running towards them.
"Stupefy!" James shouted, hitting one of the Death Eaters square in the chest.
Lily drew out her wand and prepared to cast a disarming charm but she found herself looking straight down the length of a wand. Malfoy leered at her and Lily saw James punch the second Death Eater over the blond man's shoulder. Apparently James favored brute force over spells. Somehow that thought was comforting. "Stupefy!" Malfoy said aloud, just as James turned to look at Lily.
Then everything went black.
**
October 1, 1977
Lily awoke five days later with a scream of terror.
Sirius, Remus, Sunny, and Peter, who surrounded her bed, all jumped, and Sirius swore viciously. Sunny looked at him reproachfully and Sirius blushed. "What? Reflex reaction!"
Sunny shook her head before looking down at her friend. "Are you okay Lily?"
"I'm fine," said Lily impatiently. "Is-is…James okay?"
At this, her five friends exchanged dark looks. "He's fine," said Remus. "But…"
"But Guache won't let any of us near him," continued Sirius.
"She thinks we'll disturb the peace," added in Peter.
"And imagine! McGonagall agrees!" finished Sirius.
Lily looked between them and shook her head before turning to Sunny, who had watched the exchange with amusement. "Is James okay?"
Sunny took a deep breath. "He's…asleep. Basically. Gauche says he'll wake up tomorrow. He has some sort of reaction to blood restorative potions, so he got knocked out. Nothing really harmful. She says…she says that the welts on his back will completely heal except for the one that cuts from his shoulder to his hip. Something like that."
"Which one? There were ten like that," Lily said darkly. Sirius winced at the thought of his friend's bare, bloody back.
"Lily, Gauche was going to come in here and do…an examination on you," said Remus carefully.
"What type of examination?"
"Uh, to see if you had been…violated," said Peter, when no one else offered an answer.
"But we told her to wait until you woke up," said Sunny hastily, seeing the expression on Lily's face.
"Thank you," she said gratefully, falling back against her pillows.
"Well…were you?" asked Sirius impatiently.
Lily sighed, her eyes going out of focus as the thought brought back painful memories. "Malfoy was going to, and James tried to stop him, but…he was too…." She shook herself. "Malfoy didn't. Nobody did."
"And then?" asked Peter eagerly.
"Someone opened the cell door," said Lily simply. "How did we get back here?"
"James was carrying you, and he was so weak he could barely stand himself. He had bruises all over his chest," answered Sunny.
"He must have gotten them after I was stunned," said Lily musingly.
"Probably," said Sirius.
"And…the concert? How many died?"
Sirius sighed and dropped into one of the chairs. Peter dropped into the next, and Sunny pushed Remus down into the last. Lily noticed that Remus did look extremely ragged around the edges, and Sunny was right to let him sit. What she didn't expect was for Sunny to sit in Remus's lap. Apparently they had let their flirting develop into something more.
"Amy Duncan and a girl named Sylvia Dalen. There were also five or six who ran into the dome, but I don't know their names. A lot more, I suppose. And…and the girl Voldemort killed on the platform," offered Sirius.
"You mean the one James and I let die?" asked Lily acidly.
"Hey!" said Sunny. "Stop it! None of it was your fault."
"Tell that to James." Peter said quietly. "He-he's going to blame himself for Amy…dying."
"I know," sighed Sirius. Lily noticed he had been doing a lot of sighing.
"Any students?" asked Lily.
"No," answered Remus. "A lot were in the hospital wing for a day or so, but it's mostly broken bones and nasty cuts. Nothing fatal. I think-I think the attack was just to distract everyone, Voldemort's idea of a sick joke."
"Sick is right," remarked Lily softly.
"James-James did wake up, guys."
Everyone swiveled their heads to look at Sirius.
"Oh? And when did this happen?" asked Remus quietly, in a voice that didn't bode well.
"Last night."
"And you didn't tell us you took the-I mean, that you went out to see him? We all could have gone!" exploded Remus.
Lily opened her mouth to ask what Sirius had taken, but closed it. She knew she would never get a straight answer. Everything was such a mystery, and always had been.
"Well, I just-"
"Leave him alone," said Lily. She's been saying that much too often. "Just-what happened?"
"He said some strange things," answered Sirius. "He-he said something about a dream about his mother, and how he talked to her about the new Mrs. Potter."
"I thought James's mother was dead," said Sunny.
"His father remarried," said Lily, without thinking.
"And how would you know that?" asked Sirius curiously. His eyes widened as he realized.
"He was talking about you! Oh, Lily, that's low! He was half-asleep, and you pried out gossip!"
"I was just trying to keep his mind off the pain," said Lily defensively. "I couldn't help it if he rambled about Evelyn and Emily and all the rest!"
"Evelyn? Emily? I'm lost," said Sunny. No one answered her questions.
"Did you sing to him?" Sirius demanded of Lily.
"That's ridiculous! Lily can't sing!" put in Sunny with a laugh. She stopped when she saw the expression on Lily's face. "Well…she's okay-I mean-"
Lily wasn't placated by this. "I-I sang a poem that I thought was-fitting. I don't even remember what tune I used, something I made up out of my head. I didn't even sing it loudly!"
"What poem?" queried Remus.
Lily sighed and began to recite:
"Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
of the quite birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there. I did not die."
"That's-that's really pretty," said Peter.
"Are-are you gay? Pretty?" said Sirius. "I can see why it would placate James, but I think it's a load of rubbish. Once you're dead, you're dead!"
For once in her life Lily might have actually hit Sirius, if she was strong enough. But she didn't have the physical strength so she settled for a glare instead.
And Sirius didn't notice, because he wasn't looking at her. He was staring at the curtained-off section of the ward, where Lily assumed James was. She wanted to slap Sirius and say, "Hello, remember me, your girlfriend?"
But of course she didn't.
"Listen, I want to get out of here," said Lily urgently.
An hour later, and after much pleading and pouting from Sirius in Poppy Gauche's direction, Lily was released with the warning that she took it easy. Pretending to heed the warning, Lily rushed out and could be found on the Quidditch pitch, flying back and forth furiously.
The next day, surprisingly true to Guache's word, James was awake.
Lily did not go in to see him.
They never spoke of their captivity.
**
October 7, 1977
Hogsmeade visits had, obviously, been cancelled, after a barrage or angry owls had reached the school. Nobody had been pulled out yet, but rumors were flying thick in the air, and nobody was putting a stop to them.
One night, Lily was brushing her hair when she became aware of a sobbing sound. Quickly, thinking it might be someone in trouble, most probably a first year; she hurried out of her dormitory and down the steps.
The sight in the common room caused her to stop. Anabella Figg was sitting on a couch near the fireplace, crying her eyes out. Most surprisingly was her companion, who was patting her back and handing her tissues, wiping away tears.
James Potter.
Lily had never seen him so compassionate towards someone, and she settled down to watch, ignoring the twinge of guilt she felt in her gut.
"It's not fair, James!" Anabella sniffled. Her beautiful black hair was matted and her ice-blue eyes were red-rimmed. Still, she looked gorgeous. She always looked gorgeous. "She-she was my best friend, and now she just-she's just dead!"
"Do you want to talk about it?" James asked, and Lily thought it to be a stupid question.
"I already am talking about it, you sodding git!" Anabella cried.
I like this girl, Lily thought, grinning. She quickly sobered at Anabella's next words.
"I'm not going to be able to go to her funeral," she said with a sob. James looked a little horrorstruck, as if this was not something a girl should be dealing with, but seemed to shake it off.
"I'm sure that the Headmaster will let you go, if we put it to him right. It isn't right for you to lose a friend, when you're seventeen. It wasn't right for Amy's life to be cut short like this. You deserve to be able to say good-bye."
"I'm scared James," Anabella said, lifting her head. "I'm scared that I won't have any friends. I never made friends in my dorm besides Amy. Lily and Sunny are so close, they won't exactly welcome me, and Clara hates me ever since Mundungus Fletcher left her for me, besides the fact that he's back together with her now. . .even though the stars say it won't work out. He is after all, out of school, while she's stuck here. . ."
Lily snorted softly. Anabella Figg and her Divination junk.
"Don't worry, Anabella. If you don't make friends, you can be friends with us. I mean me and Sirius and Remus and Peter," James said. Anabella shook her head.
"But they won't want me to tag along."
"Er…they won't mind. You're a great girl and I'm sure they'd be glad to have you along as a friend."
Idiot. As if that's going to work.
"You aren't trying to sweet talk me and get me into bed, are you, James?" Anabella asked.
"No! I just know that you could be a really good friend. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here," James told her, and Anabella got up.
"Thank you, James. I'll do that. But-call me Bella. Or Belle."
"You have a nice name. Anabella."
Anabella smiled ruefully. "Named after my mother. Her name's Arabella. See you later, James."
Lily realized Anabella would be coming up the steps and scrambled back into the dorm, pondering what she had just seen.
**
That night, she went to the Heads' rooms for a bath. The water was warm and bubbly, and she didn't think there was anything more relaxing. As she sat in the swimming-pool sized tub, she contemplated what she had seen Anabella and James talking about. Biting her lip, she wondered if perhaps she could try to get to know Anabella. From the statement she had made in the common room about James being a sodding git, Lily thought she would like her. It's settled, then, she thought. I'm going to try to be friends with Anabella.
She toweled herself off with the fluffy white towels on the stand and pulled on a nightgown with a dressing robe after she had begun to prune, and walked out into the halls, brushing her wet hair as she went. She stopped to look out the window, seeing that the moon was full tonight. Lily scanned the grounds and her eyes froze when she saw the Whomping Willow abruptly stop moving, and then start moving again. Nothing happened, so she shook it off and continued down the hall to Gryffindor Tower.
Sirius, Remus, and Peter were nowhere to be found, so she assumed James was with them. She had been hoping to "talk" with Sirius, or, as her friends would say, "snog", but she guessed that would have to wait. She entered to dorm to find Sunny sitting on her bed reading a copy of Witch Weekly, and Anabella staring at something, which Lily realized was a picture frame. She saw that all the other girls were dressed for bed, and looked at the clock, startled to see that it was a few hours later than she thought. She must have really taken time in the bath.
Lily strode over to Anabella's bed and sat gently on the side, smiling at her. Anabella looked up and raised an eyebrow, and quickly set the picture frame down. Lily saw it was a Muggle one, a picture of Anabella and Amy eating lunch at some café.
"Look, Anabella. I'm very sorry for your loss…and I know we didn't really know Amy. But-I really thought she was a wonderful person, and I-I don't want you to feel alone, because you-you're really nice…" Lily trailed off, breathing heavily, and saw all the girls looking at her in shock from their beds, especially Anabella. Lily felt color rising in her cheeks, and thought, Maybe this isn't such a great idea after all. . .
But Anabella was smiling sardonically.
"What?" Lily asked.
"I've never-I mean, I always thought what you just said, no one really knew Amy, their mourning is just a ruse. It isn't right, and I-I really would like to be friends now. That is, if you'll have me?" Anabella said, her voice strong. Lily was really starting to like her. She was holding herself up rather well.
"Oh, Anabella," Sunny said, getting up and coming over to sit on the bed. "Of course we don't mind."
"Anabella-" Lily began, but Anabella held up a hand.
"Call me Bella, or Belle, or Ani, even Ana, but do not call me Anabella, I hate the name."
"Sounds like some exotic fruit," Sunny said, and Lily and Anabella laughed.
"Alright," Lily said. "It's settled. So you don't have to hang out with James and Sirius and the rest of the gits." Lily colored as Anabella looked at her shrewdly. "I mean-I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I just…" She trailed off.
Anabella stared at her, and Lily was afraid she would get mad. Suddenly, Bella threw back her head and laughed. "You really don't like him, do you?"
Lily hesitated, and then shook her head. "He's selfish, inconsiderate, probably a player, immature, arrogant, he's got no respect, doesn't even bother to think about how other may feel before he does something-"
"Not really, Lily," Sunny said suddenly, and the other two girls looked at her quizzically. "I mean it, you're wrong."
"What are you talking about, Sunny?" Lily asked, bewildered.
"I mean, he's not as bad as you think. He's grown up a lot since last year. I mean, you have to admit, Snape was never very nice to him either…"
"And--?" Lily asked.
"Have you ever wondered why Peter Pettigrew is a Marauder?" Sunny asked. Bella and Lily looked at each other.
"Well," Bella said slowly, "I have. I mean, he's not at all like the others." The other girls dropped nodded. "Even though he's part of the group he doesn't…fit in…but he's still a bit cowardly, and a little short, doesn't seem to have a mind of his own. And his pointy noise is annoying. Maybe a Hufflepuff would like him, but compared to the others? Nah, he's nothing special."
Lily nodded, but turned to Sunny. "What does this have to do with James?"
"Well," Sunny said, smiling slyly, and getting up to pick up something from her bed table, which Lily recognized as a tape recorder. "I've been meaning to show you this. I found it in my trunk over the summer hols. Remember when I was obsessed with finding a way to make Muggle devices work around Hogwarts? Well, I saved one of my…experiments." She hit a button, and James's voice began to play back to them.
"We're going to live with Peter for seven years. How would you like to be excluded from the lives of you dorm mates, who are all best friends, for seven years? Either he's a Marauder, or I'm not joining," came James's voice.
"Here's the part I don't get," Sunny whispered.
"Will you still be there for the transformations, though?" Sirius asked James.
"Yes. If we ever get up to that level." There was a muffled thump, as if someone had dropped down onto a sofa.
After a while…
"But Prongs…he's whiny and annoying and I don't like him!"
"Deal with it, Sirius," James said firmly, and the girls heard a sigh of defeat.
"I don't see why you're so adamant about this, James."
James gave a short bark of laughter. "I told you already. If you have any heart at all, we won't exclude Peter."
"Then he'll have to start the training for him do we can go with Moony and he can come too. It's three nights, there's no way on earth we'll be able to leave without him for three nights. He'll notice. And do you think he'll even be ready by to start by next year? Or third? I don't think so. I mean, maybe we'll be able to start in second year, but Peter? He's not very good at Transfiguration." There was a sigh. "I guess that we'll just have to wait for him to catch up, then we'll have to go with you Remus," Sirius said grumpily.
"Thank you," Remus said, and the girls were surprised to hear him. He sounded choked up, as if he was trying to hold tears in. "Thank you so much, I couldn't have better friends. The pain you must have to go through…."
Sirius snorted. "Nonsense, Remus old boy, the pain you go through is even worse than anything, so don't even start. We're your friends, and there's no way on earth we're going to let you go through more than one transformation we have to alone."
The sound cut off into static. "When was this?" Bella asked.
"I don't remember, early on though, He says 'the next seven years'," said Sunny. "I forgot about it, but I guess I found it when I was clearing up my trunk."
"What the hell is this thing?" Lily asked, looking at the small Muggle recorder most of the paparazzi used.
"Well, I took out the batteries and charmed it," Sunny said sheepishly.
"Be glad the Head Girl is your friend," Lily said fondly, looking at her friend and shaking her head, a slight smile on her face.
"I am," said Sunny, and she sounded glad too. "But has your opinion of James changed at all?"
"I-I don't know."
"And when you were imprisoned together? What then?" asked Anabella.
Lily's eyes darkened. "Not much happened. It's just-when things get serious, we have to-we have to put petty differences aside, don't you think? That's what happened on the train with the Dementors."
And then she had to explain the entire story to Anabella, who hadn't heard it. By the time she finished, Sunny was asleep and it was half-past eleven. "I'll be right back," she whispered to Ana, who yawned and climbed into bed. The other girl was asleep before Lily reached the door, her pace relaxed and easy.
But inside, her mind was working furiously. She left Bella and Sunny to sleep and walked back into the common room, sitting in front of the fire to think.
Remus Lupin…what type of transformation did he go through that lasted three nights…Lily shook her head, nothing was coming to her. She got up and walked around, banking the fire some more, straightening cushions, dusting off the window and glancing outside at the moon...
She stared at it for a moment, wondering what secrets its surface held. Was there really a man up there? She doubted it.
And she knew she would never find out.
Suddenly and overwhelming feeling of hopelessness invaded Lily's senses. She felt…small, insignificant. What difference could she really make in this world? She knew that the sorting hat had said she would be famous…but really, how much could a hat see. Sometimes…sometimes the world seemed so fake, and Lily felt like she was right at the center of the fakeness.
She didn't know if the feeling would ever stop.
**
The poem is by Mary Frye.