I own nothing.
**
Chapter 25: Those Crazy Summer Days
[Unbreak My Heart, by Toni Braxton]
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James stood in front of the plaque that had just been hung in the Great Hall, disgusted with himself. He had forgotten-forgotten!-to put Amy Duncan on the plaque. He surreptitiously took out his wand and looked around the milling hall, before waving his wand and adding Amy's name.
It still felt fake. He should have remembered earlier.
He raised his hands and ran his fingers over the engraved words, almost crying with frustration. They should have graduated today. They had been such a loss…
And Lily kissing him up on that stage because he had made this plaque? He could say-not safely, though-that he would give up that kiss, just to have these three people alive today. It would be a hard choice, but he knew what his decision would be.
"James? Mate, the train's going to leave soon. You've got to come."
James looked up at Remus and nodded. "I'm coming. You say goodbye to Maria, yet?"
Remus shook his head. "We've still got the train ride." He looked slightly sick.
"You'll see each other again."
Remus laughed. "I know. I just…I know, all right? Let's go."
James followed his friend down to the carriages and looked out the window until they reached the station, where they grabbed their trunks and boarded the train. Halfway through the ride, Remus left, presumably to find Maria, and Peter went to the loo. Lily was nowhere to be seen, although James was keeping a sharp eye out for her.
"Do you remember when we first became friends?" Sirius asked.
James laughed. "Oh, yes. I remember."
Sirius grinned. "Strange night, that Halloween. Everything strange happens on Halloween. Maybe we're cursed."
James grinned back. "I can safely say that becoming your best friend was a true curse."
"Thank you," Sirius said, very seriously.
"No," James replied, very quietly. "Thank you."
--
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July 22, 1978
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On the day after his birthday, James woke with a groan and tried to remember his dream, which he knew starred Sirius, Remus, and the Great Hall of Hogwarts. He stretched his aching muscles and blinked, glancing at his clock and cursing. He could have spent half an hour more asleep. He was already sleep deprived: allowed to sleep only from ten until six. Every other moment of his day was put towards training, and occasionally food.
On this particular morning, James got up and walked into the shared bathrooms. He went to the row of sinks and the splashed his face with cold water. He looked over at the showers and cringed. He wasn't in the mood today.
His room was at the top of the palazzo, along with nine other men. The floors were white marble-almost everything was marble or granite or some other sort of stone,
He passed by Jack O'Connell, what one could call his friend, and slapped Jack's hand before going to his own room and changing. He grabbed his identification card and began the terribly long walk to the mess hall, underneath the six-floor palazzo. The top three floors housed trainees, the next two trainers, the ground floor the main office. Underneath the Mess Hall were the catacombs, where all the training took place.
He felt like he was in the army. The Mess Hall, for Merlin's sake.
Jack, whose legs were twice the size of James's, caught up to him just after he had started. They walked in silence for the next ten minutes, the morning sun shining on their faces as they passed by the many windows.. James felt strange this morning-he couldn't place it at all, but he knew something important was going to happen.
The post came in at precisely six thirty, halfway through breakfast, pouring in through the large space in the ceiling that led to the ground floor. James was surprised to see Emily's owl swoop down next to him, ruffling her gray feathers and hooting indignantly.
James frowned. Dove's feathers-which he had always seen neatly preened-were mussed, almost as if she had been-attacked. Even the wind didn't mess up her feathers like that.
Who would want to read his mail?
He took the note from Dove's talons and she began to eat from his plate of bacon. The sealing wax was still intact. He undid the seal and read the note, which wished him love from Emily and Evelyn and bade him happy birthday.
"Hey, Jack. D'you have any idea why an owl would be searched?"
Jack pushed away his plate and shrugged. His huge hands ran through his shortly cropped hair. "If they want to watch you, you'll always be under surveillance. If they think you might leave if given enough incentive-then they'd search your mail and watch you." His explanation done, he turned away, not inquiring further.
Jack was a rather strange person. He was like a rock-rather stoic, but James knew that Jack was good at heart-just…very deep in his heart.
James frowned. This nameless They had been mentioned several times since he had started training. No one knew who they were, but the trainees did know that they controlled everything in this place.
"Well I'm not going back," he said firmly. "England's behind me."
Jack glanced at him with a raised eyebrow and an almost feral grin. "Really? You in trouble with the law? Nah-a girl?"
James shrugged, and Jack dropped it. There were only fifteen minutes left until they had to get to the main training center.
"Ja-ames."
"Ma-ary," James responded automatically, smiling. "Have a good sleep?"
She slid into the chair next to James's and Jack sighed.
"It was fine. How's your morning been?"
James shrugged. "It's been fine."
Mary was the medic on staff. Unfortunately, her services were only available to those who were on the verge of dying.
James had a keen idea that the motto of the trainers was "Make them bleed, let them bandage."
"So you heard anything from home?" Mary asked, glancing at his letter.
James shrugged. "It was my birthday yesterday…so that's all."
"Your eighteenth?" Mary asked. She herself had turned eighteen on the first of the month.
"Yes. You don't-"
"Happy birthday, James," Mary said, smiling at him.
James felt sick, knowing he would never be attracted to this girl. Even though she wasn't officially a member of the Order, she had gone through training to be a medic for the Light. It had given her self-confidence that cancelled out her plain looks.
And yet…James didn't care one whit. All he cared about at the moment was Lily.
He cleared his throat and smiled, excusing himself. Any little bit of happiness he had felt was now gone-gone when the thought of Lily and her hair and smile and how he would probably never see her again, and how he would never really get to know what it was like to have a little baby girl with Lily and name it Maria-
He burst through the doors to the practice courts, breathing heavily and close to-tears? He got himself under control-these people did not understand crying, and then stepped into the court, ready for another day of torture.
--
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August 13, 1978
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A little over three weeks later, James lay in his bed after being inducted into the Order of the Light. He could make out many boxes in the gloom around him-he would be moving out of the palazzo and into a better one-the main one-the next morning.
He felt rather empty, though, and he had the oddest feeling that he was forgetting something.
James rolled over and punched his pillow. Obviously he had to get over Lily, and the only way he could think to do that was to go out and have mind-blowing sex with another girl. Perhaps Mary.
He just…was never in the mood. He felt old, never being in the mood.
He breathed in deeply, trying to calm himself down.
He was forgetting what Lily looked like. She was so far away-no, he was so far away. If he hadn't left-
They would have torn each other apart if he hadn't left, he told himself firmly. It was better this way, much better. They could cool off-forget each other, and then move on.
It just…wasn't working out the way he had thought it would. He couldn't stop think about her and her skin and her eyes-Merlin, her eyes…
James punched his pillow again and went to sleep, not knowing the trouble that was brewing or the plans that were being made hundreds of miles away, and some that were being made on the very marble five floors below him.
He also wasn't aware of the fact that he had forgotten Emily's birthday, and that she was anxiously waiting for any word from him, alone, in America, while Evelyn was out with a man for the first time in nine months; and that Lily, who was a little over three months pregnant, was dreaming of him and his hair, or that someone he respected very much was going to die.
Very soon.
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September 1, 1978
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James stepped on a large spider with a crunch and winced, shaking his shoe to remove little bits of the spider's legs.
Jugson, behind him, made a noise of disgust. "Honestly," he said irritably. "Scouting the area. Scut work."
"Shut up," James hissed, though he was no happier about it than Jugson. "Someone's got to do it. D'you want to do it when you're older and experienced?
Jugson grumbled but shut up. There had been repeated reports of Dark activity in the Himalayan Mountains, and James and Jugson had to travel from Central India up to Nepal, for security purposes and to throw off anyone on their tail.
Paranoid buggers, these Light people were.
James sighed and then tripped over a rock, sprawling over the ground. He groaned and immediately got to his feet in case it was a trap.
They were in some underground tunnel in the godforsaken jungle, avoiding bugs and animals and all a manner of nasty creatures. James shuddered to think about what Indian magical creatures were like if the insects were this bad.
His hand hit something hard; it was a protruding piece of the wall. He looked closer and held his torch near the area, frowning. The protruding bit was smoother and shinier than the rest of the stone.
Jugson had been carefully inspecting the walls this entire trip, and it had been his suggestion that they enter this unknown tunnel in the first place.
James made a quick decision. "Jugson? Can you go ahead a little and leave me here? I want to clean off my shoe."
Jugson sneered, but he eagerly went forward, leaving James to himself.
James didn't trust Jugson one bit. He didn't know if it was true…but he thought that perhaps Jugson was a spy. James thought it entirely possible that a 22-year old man who had been invited to join an Order of the Light could be persuaded to join the Dark and turn spy…
He took out his wand and said "Reducto!" very quietly. Everything around the protrusion exploded into tiny pieces, but the mysterious object, which appeared to be a box made of glass, was still firmly embedded in the wall.
James racked his brains for a spell that would help him remove the box. He peered closer and saw that the wall around the box was sparking, as if it was magically protected.
"Finite Incantatem," he said, and the sparks disappeared. James slid out the box easily and studied it. It appeared to be made of a warm, honey colored stone. Perhaps it was topaz or amber. Smack dab in the center of the box was a scroll.
Home free, James thought. He jogged ahead to catch up with Jugson, shrinking the box and putting it in the pocket of his combat gear.
As soon as he had jogged ahead a hundred feet and had Jugson in sight, the earth began to shake and the walls began to crumble.
Fucking booby traps, James thought. He sprinted to Jugson and prodded him in the back. It was insane, but James had the strangest inclination that the walls were following him-they only crumbled after he passed them.
"GO!" he shouted. Jugson broke into a run and James fervently thanked his trainers, who had worked him relentlessly until he could lap a Quidditch Pitch three times in seven minutes. The crumbling was just behind them. They stumbled when the earth dipped but caught their footing and continued towards the light that shone in front of them. James gasped for air and prodded Jugson, who was lagging slightly. He propelled him forward out of the tunnel and ran out after him.
What he didn't expect was for the tunnel to end on a cliff, or for the water below to be studded with rocks. Not sharp rocks, but rocks that had been smoothed relentlessly by the salty sea.
They still hurt to fall against, even if they were only ten feet below.
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September 14, 1978
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When he heard a sound, albeit a sound in his sleep, two weeks later, his hand immediately went to his wand and he yelled a hex before his eyes were even open. He heard the curse slam into something and disappear and opened his eyes a crack, finding wherever he was mercifully gloomy.
"Mary?" he asked incredulously. "Where am I?"
"Lie down," she whispered. "You're still in India."
"Jugson?" he asked, hating himself for caring at all.
"He's fine. He's back in Italy. He woke up two days ago."
James was furious with himself for being weaker than Jugson. He reached for the water on the table next to his bed.
"But he didn't hit his head. You did."
"What's the date?"
Mary hesitated. "It's the fourteenth."
James dropped the glass of water he had picked up and it smashed all over the floor. Mary repaired it with a flick of her wand.
"I've been out for two weeks?"
Mary sighed. "You've been in a type of coma. Very temporary. You woke up a few times and said some strange things-but then you went to sleep again-and you don't remember any of this, do you?"
James shook his head. "What did I say when I woke up."
Mary shifted. "You always said 'Lily'. You were always talking to her."
James flopped back on the bed. "Merlin. I'm screwed."
"If they find out about this," Mary began, "that you're in love with a girl back in England-they'll be furious. It's an unspoken rule that you forget absolutely everything."
"Who are they?" James asked furiously. "You know-you've met them, haven't you?"
Mary shrugged. "Sorry. I can't tell you that. Drink this."
She forced something slimy down his throat and he gagged but swallowed. His eyelids grew heavier. "Wait-"
But then he was asleep, and nothing really mattered.
--
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September 21, 1978
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Lily had not spoken to her father in two months, exactly.
After she had told him that she was pregnant, he had just stared at her, very blankly, before he left them room and house, presumably for his dinner meeting. Lily had packed her things through a haze of tears and had left her parents'-no, her father's house, and had looked for a place to live.
She had found a flat-which had two rooms-all she could afford on her meager savings, and sighed. She had been living out of her trunk and traveling case because there was no closet space.
She now (temporarily) lived in a five-floor walkup in the slums of London. It was a dingy little place, with walls that had been white but were now gray and with a strange smell emanating from the very material that was used to build the establishment. Lily slept in a sleeping bag on the floor. She would have used magic to fix the place up, but the landlady joined her for tea on random days of the week and let herself in, so Lily couldn't change anything for fear of being caught out.
Mrs. Holland, the landlady, was a wizened woman of unidentifiable age, and if Lily had not seen that she had been married to a man, she would not have known Mrs. Holland from a male. The landlady was, however, the only person Lily had a chance to talk to, and was therefore welcome company.
Lily curved her hand over her belly, which was concealed by her loose shirt, and frowned.
I can't live here if I'm going to have a baby.
Resolutely, Lily got up and left her flat, walking down the steps quickly and heading into a dark alleyway. She pulled out her wand and Disapparated, arriving in another dark alleyway just outside of the Leaky Cauldron.
She stepped out of the alley and a Muggle woman with a small child looked at her strangely, but Lily paid her no heed and stepped into the Leaky Cauldron.
First she needed to find a job; then she needed to find a place to live in the Wizarding world.
Lily asked Tom for a copy of the Daily Prophet, a quill, and some ink, which he handed to her with a wide grin speckled with few teeth.
Honestly, Lily thought. That man loses more teeth every time I see him.
She sat down at a table and opened the paper, spreading it out before her. She took the quill, dipped it in the ink, and began to search the classifieds for a job. There was nothing holding her back. She had gotten her N.E.W.Ts results in mid-August.
She had done surprisingly well-Outstanding in Charms, Care of Magical Creatures, and Defense Against the Dark Arts; Exceeds Expectations in Potions, Herbology (she'd been up all night thinking about James the night before that one), History of Magic, and Astronomy.
She'd gotten a bloody Acceptable in Transfiguration.
They were good results, to be sure. Lily could probably do anything she wanted. She crossed out the jobs that requested desk clerks and anything that included cleaning up after other people.
She bit her lip as she came across the perpetual ad requesting Aurors. She put a shaky circle around it and continued looking for other jobs.
There was nothing else.
She had looked at being an Auror, but she did not know if she could get in. She had met Alastor Moody-the Head of the Auror Department, precisely once, a conversation in which she humiliated herself by telling him what to do about his bloody eyeball, which had been scaring her. He had glared at her and walked off, so she figured she would never get accepted there.
It didn't hurt to try, did it?
She asked Tom for a piece of parchment and wrote out the information it said to write in the advert. Tom watched her closely.
"You applying to be an Auror?" His speech was slightly garbled because of his lack of teeth.
Lily nodded and wrote the address on the front of the parchment after folding it in two.
"I can owl that," Tom said. Lily handed it to him with a smile.
Tom paused as he turned away. "You wouldn't be looking for a temporary job right now, would you be? I need some help around here-"
Lily, about to refuse, hesitated. He looked so earnest.
"-Even when you're training-because I know you'll get in to the program, Miss Evans-you'll need money."
Lily nodded slowly, hating herself for becoming a barmaid. "Alright. When should I start?"
Tom grinned. "Monday's fine."
"Two days from now? Alright. Wait-Tom, do you have any idea where I might find somewhere to live?"
Tom grinned once more. "Come in here at about six today. There's a bloke who'll tell you just where to go."
Lily nodded and looked at her watch. She could shop in Diagon Alley for an hour or so and be back around six to meet this mysterious 'bloke'.
Lily left the pub and went to Flourish and Blotts. She browsed for half an hour and then explored the alley once more, as she had done when she was just a little girl. She went in Eyelop's and Florean Fortescue's and looked at robes in Madame Malkin's. It was a lovely beginning-of-fall day-bright and beautiful.
At six, Lily went back to pub and sat down at her table. Tom gave her a small side and set down a glass of firewhisky in front of her. "You look like you could use it."
Lily smiled and pushed it away. "I'm sorry. Can I just have some water?"
At least people couldn't tell she was pregnant, if they were serving her hard liquor.
Tom nodded and came back a few minutes with a glass of water. Lily sipped it and stared out the window into Diagon Alley, which was so grimy with soot and dust she could hardly see through it. When she started working here, that was the first thing she would clean. Letting some light in would make the place much brighter.
Something familiar caught her eye and she looked up, bewildered. There was nothing eye-catching in the pub. There was a man walking over to the bar, a hag sitting with a goblin drinking a blood-red concoction, a large man with a hood hiding his face. She looked out the window again, and then whirled around.
The man talking to Tom at the bar-his walk-his hair-
"Sirius?"
The man turned and Lily nearly wept with the relief of seeing a friendly face. Sirius broke into a smile and bounded over to her, much like a dog would.
"Lily!" he yelled, grabbing her and hugging her. He kissed her on the check and let her down in her chair. "How've you been? I told you to keep in touch-"
"Oh. That. Sorry. Life has been…crazy."
Sirius sighed and took the chair across from her. He took the glass of firewhisky and downed it, then looked at her sharply. "You didn't drink this, did you?"
Lily smiled slightly and shook her head. "Of course not. So…Maria told Remus? Or did she tell you?"
Sirius gave a bark of laughter. "Merlin, no. She told Remus, who told me and Peter."
Lily perked up. "James…doesn't know, does he?"
Sirius shook his head. "No…" he said slowly. "D'you really think James'd be in Italy if he knew? He'd be back here in ten seconds-"
"And that's why I didn't tell him," Lily said, "because it was too late."
Sirius smiled bitterly. "I think you left it for too long. If you'd said it earlier…"
Lily looked down at the table. "I know that. I know that very well, thank you."
There was an awkward pause, in which Lily finished her water and contemplated going up to Tom to ask who the bloke was who would help her find a place to live.
"So what exactly are you up to?"
Lily tapped the side of her empty cup with her nail. "I'm living in a two-room flat in the slums," she said bluntly.
"How's…is your dad okay?"
There was a desperation in his voice that made Lily look up. "What? No-Sirius, my dad is fine. I just…left the house. He's fine."
Sirius relaxed. "I thought…"
"I know. He…I think he kicked me out."
Sirius frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Well-I told him and he…looked at me and then left. So I left. I packed my things and I left…and I don't think I'm ever going back there. Maybe if he contacts me I'll meet him somewhere, but I don't think I can ever go to that house again."
Sirius paused. "Same with me. I refuse to go to my parents' house-bunch of bloody wankers, my family. I'm never crossing that bloody threshold again."
Lily sighed. "I…I went to America for the first two weeks of July. I was supposed to stay four…but I didn't."
"Why not?"
Lily laughed shortly. "I had the strangest feeling that I should tell my dad I'm pregnant. So I left," she repeated. "My god, I need to stop telling random people I'm carrying James's-"
Sirius set his empty glass down hard and sat up in his chair quickly. "What do you mean, 'random people'?"
"I sort of…told Emily-"
"You what?"
"We were looking at pictures and she asked what happened with James and there was something about her…so I just told her."
"You're fucked," Sirius said. "You are completely fucked. She's going to send off an owl straight away and tell him."
"She promised-"
"James-is everything to Emily. He's…as important to her as he is to you-"
Lily thought of the picture of them after James got his badge and could agree.
"She idolizes him-and if you think for one second she won't tell James you're pregnant then you're stupid-because she will."
Lily felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. "So-on his birthday-she was acting strange, jumpy. Oh, god. You're right. But-wouldn't he be back now if he had found out?"
Sirius shook his head. "Perhaps the people of the Order read his mail-but she knows and that's enough. She'll keep on trying."
Lily put a hand over her belly, almost absently. "Oh," she said dully. "You know…I told my dad on James's birthday. I find that ironic."
"It isn't-"
"I mean-on the day good things should happen, I get kicked out of my house…and he's in Italy and he can't…I mean…" Lily broke off and looked away, breathing raggedly.
"I miss him too, you know," Sirius said gruffly. "I mean-I really miss him. We've got a room in the flat for him that he'll never use-"
Lily shut her eyes and felt a headache begin to build beneath them.
"Remus and I…we-miss James. We fight-you know James used to keep us from fighting? He was always a better friend to Remus in particular…and Remus is fucked up over Maria so I don't have…do you want to come live with us?'
The offer came so calmly that Lily didn't realize what he had said at first. She snapped her head up and looked at him. "What?"
"Live with us? Please?"
"But Remus-"
"Would love to have you, I'm sure. He's refusing to see Maria, actually. I think they got in a fight and I've got no bloody clue what to say."
Lily laughed at him. "Well-"
"Please…" Sirius whined. "I'll love you forever-"
"I don't want your love," Lily said flatly, smiling nonetheless.
"That's okay," Sirius said nonchalantly. "But come live with us. Please. I mean it-we'd love to have you."
Lily thought of her dingy apartment and its horrible smell and of Mrs. Holland and her absent teeth.
"You know what?"
Sirius looked at her hopefully.
"Sure."
"What?"
"Yes, I'll come."
Sirius grinned. "All right then."
Even as Lily smiled at Sirius, her first real smile in a long time, she knew that James had a piece of her, and one day, she would go to him and get it back.
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